sambuc
0a6a1f1d05
This brings our tree to NetBSD 7.0, as found on -current on the 10-10-2015. This updates: - LLVM to 3.6.1 - GCC to GCC 5.1 - Replace minix/commands/zdump with usr.bin/zdump - external/bsd/libelf has moved to /external/bsd/elftoolchain/ - Import ctwm - Drop sprintf from libminc Change-Id: I149836ac18e9326be9353958bab9b266efb056f0
55518 lines
2.0 MiB
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55518 lines
2.0 MiB
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=======================================================================
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|| ||
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|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
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|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
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=======================================================================
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Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
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"Fortune Cookie"
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Directed by Steven Spielberg.
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Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
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Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
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and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
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Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
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Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
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Read the Warner paperback!
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Invoke the Unix program!
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Soundtrack on XTC Records.
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In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
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centers.
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%
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PLAYGIRL, Inc.
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Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
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Dear Sir:
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Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
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inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
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a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
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ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
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age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
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long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
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ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
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in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
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us.
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Sympathetically,
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Amanda L. Smith
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p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
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wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
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%
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_-^--^=-_
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_.-^^ -~_
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_-- --_
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< >)
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\._ _./
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```--. . , ; .--'''
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.-=|| | |=-.
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`-=#$%&%$#=-'
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| ; :|
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_____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
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%
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FROM THE DESK OF
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Dorothy Gale
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Auntie Em:
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Hate you.
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Hate Kansas.
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Taking the dog.
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Dorothy
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%
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FROM THE DESK OF
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Rapunzel
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Dear Prince:
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Use ladder tonight --
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you're splitting my ends.
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%
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SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT
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Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
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Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
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ABSTRACT
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Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
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the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
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of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
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of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
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bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
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pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
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there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
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to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
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functions.
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This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
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This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
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Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
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%
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UNIX Trix
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For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
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save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
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next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
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to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
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forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
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the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
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either. If you need some help, give us a call.
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-- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
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%
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___====-_ _-====___
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_--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
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-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
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-############// |\^^/| \\############-
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_~############// (O||O) \\############~_
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~#############(( \\// ))#############~
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-###############\\ (oo) //###############-
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-#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
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-###################\\/ () \//###################-
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_#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
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|/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
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` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| '
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` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> '
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( | |()| | )\ /|/
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__\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
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(vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
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%
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DELETE A FORTUNE!
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Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
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Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
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You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,
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and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
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%
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It's grad exam time...
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COMPUTER SCIENCE
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Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
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system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
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this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
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bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
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new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
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MATHEMATICS
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If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
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it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
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length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
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GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
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Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
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%
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It's grad exam time...
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MEDICINE
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You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
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bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
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been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
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HISTORY
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Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
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day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
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economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
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Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
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BIOLOGY
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Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
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if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
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special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
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%
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Pittsburgh driver's test
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10: Potholes are
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a) extremely dangerous.
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b) patriotic.
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c) the fault of the previous administration.
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d) all going to be fixed next summer.
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The correct answer is b.
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Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
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are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
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you have nothing to worry about.
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%
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Pittsburgh driver's test
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2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
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a) stop immediately.
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b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
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c) blow the horn.
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d) floor it.
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The correct answer is d.
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If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
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%
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Pittsburgh driver's test
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3: When stopped at an intersection you should
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a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
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b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
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c) blow the horn.
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d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
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The correct answer is d.
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You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
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street turns yellow.
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Answer c is worth a half point.
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%
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Pittsburgh driver's test
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4: Exhaust gas is
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a) beneficial.
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b) not harmful.
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c) toxic.
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d) a punk band.
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The correct answer is b.
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The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
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are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
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you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
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%
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Pittsburgh driver's test
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5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
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How often should you test it?
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a) once a year.
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b) once a month.
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c) once a day.
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d) once an hour.
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The correct answer is d.
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You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
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and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
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%
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Pittsburgh driver's test
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7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
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but a steady left tail light.
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a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
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horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
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b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
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c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
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d) The driver is from out of town.
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The correct answer is d.
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Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
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%
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Pittsburgh driver's test
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8: Pedestrians are
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a) irrelevant.
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b) communists.
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c) a nuisance.
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d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
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The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
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are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
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completely.
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%
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Pittsburgh driver's test
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9: Roads are salted in order to
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a) kill grass.
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b) melt snow.
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c) help the economy.
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d) prevent potholes.
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The correct answer is c.
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Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
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indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
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salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
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steel industries.
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%
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( /\__________/\ )
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\(^ @___..___@ ^)/
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/\ (\/\/\/\/) /\
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/ \(/\/\/\/\)/ \
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-( """""""""" )
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\ _____ /
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( /( )\ )
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_) (_V) (V_) (_
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(V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V)
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%
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___====-_ _-====___
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_--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_
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_-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
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-############// :\^^/: \\############-
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_~############// (@::@) \\############~_
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~#############(( \\// ))#############~
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-###############\\ (^^) //###############-
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-#################\\ / "" \ //#################-
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-###################\\/ \//###################-
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_#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_
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:/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \:
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" :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: "
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" " " " \ : : : : / " " " "
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%
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Has your family tried 'em?
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POWDERMILK BISCUITS
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Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
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They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
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the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
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POWDERMILK BISCUITS
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Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
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the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
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stains that indicate freshness.
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%
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Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
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1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
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2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
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3) You don't know. Neither does your boss.
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4) Who cares?
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5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
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submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it.
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6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!!
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7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
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book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
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supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
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%
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Hard Copies and Chmod
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And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
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cold diskdrives hardware monitors
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user-hostile software
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of course they're only bits and bytes
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and characters and strings
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and files
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just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
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telling me he loves me and
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he'll take care of me
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simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
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deep intimate secrets and
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how he doesn't trust me
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couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
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on personal stationery
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-- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
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%
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`O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
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Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
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margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
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will be given to candidates who self-actualise.
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1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
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neither has street credibility.
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2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
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on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
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city.
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3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
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into a black hole.
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4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
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ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
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5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
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6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
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up of western dualism?
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7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
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%
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OUTCONERR
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Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
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Did logzerneg the ifthen block
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All kludgy were the function flows
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And subroutines adhoc.
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Beware the runtime-bug my friend
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squrooneg, the false goto
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Beware the infiniteloop
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And shun the inprectoo.
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%
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Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
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1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
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nuclear bomb; use the stairs.
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2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
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when you hit the ground.
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3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
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4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
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to psychological problems.
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5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
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foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
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shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
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6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze: internal organs
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will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
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7. Try to be neat. Fall only in designated piles.
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8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas -- people could be
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staggering illegally.
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9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but are
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more sanitary due to limited circulation.
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10. Accumulate mannequins now. Spare parts will be in short
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supply on D-Day.
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%
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The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
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The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
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in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
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Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
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fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
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Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
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target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
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If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
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computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
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through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
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to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
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for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
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take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
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into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
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computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
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they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
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Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
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a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
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-- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
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%
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The Split-Atom Blues
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Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
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Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
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But if you split those atoms fine,
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Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
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Gimme zits, take my dough,
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Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
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Call the devil and sell my soul,
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But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
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-- Milo Bloom
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%
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THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
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If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution
|
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of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support.
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Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of
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you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal
|
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cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase
|
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to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between
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midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
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`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you
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forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss
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out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or
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more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly
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program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune
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Hunter" coffee mug!
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%
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What I Did During My Fall Semester
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On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
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Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
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Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
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On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
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Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
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Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
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On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
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Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
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I found a thesis topic:
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How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
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-- Sister Mary Elephant,
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|
"Student Statement for Black Friday"
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%
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1/3
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/\(3)
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| 2 1/3
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| z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
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\/ 1
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The integral of z squared, dz
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From 1 to the cube root of 3
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Times the cosine
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Of 3 PI over nine
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Is the log of the cube root of e
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%
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THE DAILY PLANET
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SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
|
|
Plans to "Eat it later"
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%
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*** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
|
|
|
|
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
|
|
terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
|
|
the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
|
|
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
|
|
They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
|
|
With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
|
|
and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
|
|
in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
|
|
computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
|
|
you should blame when you make a mistake.
|
|
|
|
Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
|
|
I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
|
|
postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
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|
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*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
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%
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*** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
|
|
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
|
|
terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
|
|
the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
|
|
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
|
|
|
|
*** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
|
|
Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
|
|
help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
|
|
enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
|
|
|
|
*** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
|
|
To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
|
|
try this simple test:
|
|
1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
|
|
of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
|
|
2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
|
|
3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
|
|
If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
|
|
them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
|
|
%
|
|
*** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
|
|
|
|
Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
|
|
programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
|
|
form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
|
|
winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
|
|
sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
|
|
Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
|
|
program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
|
|
was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
|
|
his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
|
|
have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
|
|
in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
|
|
be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
|
|
can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
|
|
yourself in the morning.
|
|
%
|
|
... This striving for excellence extends into people's
|
|
personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
|
|
best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
|
|
Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
|
|
soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
|
|
reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
|
|
table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
|
|
not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
|
|
crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
|
|
beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
|
|
wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
|
|
Liza Minnelli.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
|
|
%
|
|
... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
|
|
%
|
|
___
|
|
12 + 144 + 20 + 3\/ 4 2
|
|
---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
|
|
7
|
|
|
|
A dozen, a gross and a score,
|
|
Plus three times the square root of four,
|
|
Divided by seven,
|
|
Plus five times eleven,
|
|
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
|
|
%
|
|
7,140 pounds on the Sun
|
|
97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
|
|
255 pounds on Earth
|
|
232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
|
|
43 pounds on the Moon
|
|
648 pounds on Jupiter
|
|
275 pounds on Saturn
|
|
303 pounds on Neptune
|
|
13 pounds on Pluto
|
|
|
|
-- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
|
|
in the solar system.
|
|
%
|
|
A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
|
|
the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
|
|
the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
|
|
another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
|
|
and forth.
|
|
"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
|
|
of carp-to-carp walleting."
|
|
%
|
|
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
|
|
the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
|
|
missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
|
|
his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
|
|
work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
|
|
flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
|
|
At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
|
|
events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
|
|
dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
|
|
"Have you seen my parakeet?"
|
|
%
|
|
A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
|
|
a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
|
|
foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
|
|
have what I think is a pretty good act."
|
|
The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
|
|
the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
|
|
Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
|
|
his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
|
|
man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
|
|
performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
|
|
from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
|
|
the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
|
|
"Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
|
|
"That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
|
|
imitations?"
|
|
%
|
|
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
|
|
his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
|
|
the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
|
|
Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
|
|
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
|
|
%
|
|
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
|
|
whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
|
|
got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
|
|
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
|
|
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
|
|
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
|
|
itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
|
|
and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
|
|
The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
|
|
commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
|
|
%
|
|
A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
|
|
buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
|
|
the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
|
|
boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
|
|
the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
|
|
the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
|
|
they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
|
|
Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
|
|
farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
|
|
frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
|
|
in the mud.
|
|
Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
|
|
don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
|
|
today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
|
|
"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
|
|
"Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
|
|
the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
|
|
%
|
|
A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
|
|
her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
|
|
looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
|
|
sadly, "runneth over."
|
|
Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
|
|
the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
|
|
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
|
|
%
|
|
A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
|
|
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
|
|
one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
|
|
the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
|
|
"What do you think?" said the first ranger.
|
|
"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
|
|
%
|
|
A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
|
|
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
|
|
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
|
|
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
|
|
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
|
|
the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
|
|
downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
|
|
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
|
|
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
|
|
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
|
|
blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
|
|
only blurt out, "What happened?"
|
|
"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
|
|
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
|
|
grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
|
|
hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
|
|
the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
|
|
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
|
|
%
|
|
A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
|
|
dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
|
|
brother and inquires after his pet.
|
|
"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
|
|
The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
|
|
he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
|
|
of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
|
|
outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
|
|
corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
|
|
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
|
|
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
|
|
How's Mom?"
|
|
His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
|
|
outside one day..."
|
|
%
|
|
A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
|
|
I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
|
|
A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
|
|
be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
|
|
"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
|
|
dog's stuck in its throat."
|
|
%
|
|
A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
|
|
days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
|
|
A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
|
|
long-distance caw.
|
|
A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
|
|
new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
|
|
A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
|
|
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
|
|
the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
|
|
%
|
|
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
|
|
The housewife replied, "Four!".
|
|
The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
|
|
through my spread sheet one more time."
|
|
The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
|
|
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
|
|
%
|
|
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
|
|
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
|
|
would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
|
|
lawyer.
|
|
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
|
|
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
|
|
I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
|
|
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
|
|
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
|
|
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
|
|
%
|
|
A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
|
|
the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
|
|
The bartender ignores him.
|
|
"Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
|
|
Still ignored.
|
|
"HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
|
|
The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
|
|
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
|
|
Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
|
|
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
|
|
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
|
|
"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
|
|
%
|
|
A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
|
|
to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
|
|
When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
|
|
and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
|
|
French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
|
|
and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
|
|
German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
|
|
Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
|
|
told, "that one is 150,000."
|
|
"Why, what can it do?" he asks.
|
|
"Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
|
|
do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
|
|
-- being told in Poland, 1987
|
|
%
|
|
A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
|
|
Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
|
|
wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
|
|
"Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
|
|
pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
|
|
disciples."
|
|
Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
|
|
%
|
|
A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
|
|
shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
|
|
that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
|
|
soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
|
|
The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
|
|
agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
|
|
Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
|
|
-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
|
|
knife!
|
|
Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
|
|
afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
|
|
he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
|
|
for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
|
|
help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
|
|
Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
|
|
"Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
|
|
won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
|
|
%
|
|
A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
|
|
terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
|
|
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
|
|
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
|
|
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
|
|
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
|
|
The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
|
|
something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
|
|
"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
|
|
%
|
|
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
|
|
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
|
|
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
|
|
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
|
|
my 'gator."
|
|
%
|
|
A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
|
|
A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
|
|
during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
|
|
was making a bolt for the door.
|
|
A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
|
|
house of seven gobbles.
|
|
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
|
|
wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
|
|
A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
|
|
Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
|
|
Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
|
|
%
|
|
A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
|
|
program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
|
|
promptly replied.
|
|
"I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
|
|
how long will it take?"
|
|
The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
|
|
to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
|
|
"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
|
|
satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
|
|
The programmer agreed to this.
|
|
Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his
|
|
retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
|
|
He had been programming all night.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
|
|
invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
|
|
manager retained his job.
|
|
The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
|
|
refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
|
|
concept, and thus I expect no reward."
|
|
The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
|
|
holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
|
|
employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
|
|
But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
|
|
so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
|
|
everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
|
|
document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
|
|
it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
|
|
"It will take one year," said the master promptly.
|
|
"But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
|
|
take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
|
|
The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
|
|
"And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
|
|
The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
|
|
completed," he said.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
|
|
work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
|
|
at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
|
|
resigned on the spot.
|
|
So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
|
|
working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
|
|
programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
|
|
hours of the morning.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
|
|
noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
|
|
he said, "may I examine it?"
|
|
The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
|
|
"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
|
|
and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
|
|
where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
|
|
human."
|
|
"Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
|
|
mysterious setting?"
|
|
The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
|
|
And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
|
|
"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
|
|
said the master.
|
|
"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
|
|
"It is," came the reply.
|
|
"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
|
|
"It is even in a video game," said the master.
|
|
"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
|
|
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson
|
|
is over for today," he said.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A MODERN FABLE
|
|
|
|
Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
|
|
far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
|
|
with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
|
|
today's minute attention span.
|
|
|
|
The Troubled Aardvark
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
|
|
driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
|
|
in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
|
|
unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
|
|
children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
|
|
his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
|
|
pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
|
|
personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
|
|
wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
|
|
course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
|
|
drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
|
|
|
|
MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
|
|
-- Tom Annau
|
|
%
|
|
A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
|
|
the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
|
|
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
|
|
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
|
|
"If what?" asked the composer.
|
|
"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
|
|
%
|
|
A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
|
|
removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
|
|
doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
|
|
amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
|
|
limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
|
|
larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
|
|
power-down sequence.
|
|
An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
|
|
building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
|
|
bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
|
|
cool.
|
|
%
|
|
A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
|
|
documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
|
|
the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
|
|
The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
|
|
gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
|
|
crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
|
|
need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
|
|
has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
|
|
themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
|
|
entered the mystery of the Tao."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
|
|
sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
|
|
baffled. What is the reason for this?"
|
|
The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
|
|
the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
|
|
do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
|
|
simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
|
|
The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
|
|
Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
|
|
"But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
|
|
novice.
|
|
"Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
|
|
much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
|
|
among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
|
|
Why is this so?"
|
|
The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
|
|
company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
|
|
would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
|
|
servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
|
|
of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
|
|
that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
|
|
vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
|
|
'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
|
|
names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
|
|
unnatural entity exist?"
|
|
The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
|
|
disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
|
|
its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
|
|
beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
|
|
package.
|
|
The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
|
|
reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
|
|
of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
|
|
but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
|
|
When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
|
|
"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
|
|
power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
|
|
"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
|
|
of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
|
|
machine worked.
|
|
%
|
|
A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
|
|
in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
|
|
noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
|
|
The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
|
|
party. He walked out into the night.
|
|
The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
|
|
be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
|
|
too.
|
|
The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
|
|
to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
|
|
save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
|
|
the wolf pack.
|
|
At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
|
|
He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
|
|
has killed them all.
|
|
The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
|
|
went out to be killed?
|
|
The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
|
|
He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
|
|
%
|
|
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
|
|
two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
|
|
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
|
|
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
|
|
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
|
|
%
|
|
A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
|
|
strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
|
|
throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
|
|
loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
|
|
rigidity.
|
|
A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
|
|
law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
|
|
way that astonishes him least.
|
|
A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
|
|
program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
|
|
appearances.
|
|
If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
|
|
disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
|
|
program.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
|
|
conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
|
|
of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
|
|
unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
|
|
clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
|
|
made rude noises during my presentation."
|
|
The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
|
|
Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
|
|
an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
|
|
Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
|
|
with social conventions?"
|
|
"They are alive within the Tao."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
|
|
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
|
|
doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
|
|
Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
|
|
which contained twelve more loons.
|
|
"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
|
|
"Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
|
|
"What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
|
|
"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
|
|
%
|
|
A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
|
|
recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
|
|
his wellness potential."
|
|
|
|
Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
|
|
of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
|
|
|
|
A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
|
|
personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
|
|
|
|
At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
|
|
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
|
|
|
|
After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
|
|
of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
|
|
only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
|
|
of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
|
|
unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
|
|
touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
|
|
experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
|
|
pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
|
|
sent him.
|
|
-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
|
|
%
|
|
A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
|
|
"This is a parson to parson call."
|
|
A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
|
|
Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
|
|
Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
|
|
deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
|
|
Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
|
|
often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
|
|
The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
|
|
caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
|
|
A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
|
|
granite.
|
|
%
|
|
A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
|
|
As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
|
|
eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
|
|
under the kilt?"
|
|
He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
|
|
SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
|
|
really want to know.
|
|
The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
|
|
under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
|
|
%
|
|
A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
|
|
realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
|
|
see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
|
|
group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
|
|
that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
|
|
it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
|
|
I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
|
|
work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
|
|
Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
|
|
dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
|
|
another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
|
|
the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
|
|
requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
|
|
going to it is so large.
|
|
Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
|
|
electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
|
|
British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
|
|
British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
|
|
I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
|
|
secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
|
|
-- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
|
|
%
|
|
A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
|
|
Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
|
|
A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
|
|
friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
|
|
had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
|
|
and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
|
|
Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
|
|
from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
|
|
Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
|
|
%
|
|
A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
|
|
to die, would you remarry?"
|
|
After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
|
|
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
|
|
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
|
|
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
|
|
"Well, would you live in this house?"
|
|
"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
|
|
I've always loved it here."
|
|
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
|
|
"No."
|
|
"Why not?"
|
|
"She's left handed."
|
|
%
|
|
A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
|
|
to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
|
|
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
|
|
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
|
|
Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
|
|
"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
|
|
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
|
|
a snake?"
|
|
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
|
|
am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
|
|
suck the poison from the wound."
|
|
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
|
|
a rattler?" persisted the woman.
|
|
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
|
|
who my real friends are."
|
|
%
|
|
A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
|
|
and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
|
|
child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
|
|
therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
|
|
to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
|
|
the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
|
|
his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
|
|
The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
|
|
after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
|
|
Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
|
|
%
|
|
ACHTUNG!!!
|
|
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
|
|
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
|
|
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
|
|
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
|
|
vatch das blinkenlights!!!
|
|
%
|
|
After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
|
|
directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
|
|
Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
|
|
edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
|
|
"Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
|
|
wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
|
|
-- DECWARS
|
|
%
|
|
After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
|
|
the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
|
|
would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
|
|
favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
|
|
camp chores.
|
|
The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
|
|
as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
|
|
discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
|
|
children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
|
|
Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
|
|
ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
|
|
"It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
|
|
Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
|
|
interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
|
|
a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
|
|
cattle. We shall bury him in it."
|
|
Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
|
|
Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
|
|
"Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
|
|
realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
|
|
-- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
|
|
Feghoot!"
|
|
%
|
|
After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
|
|
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
|
|
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
|
|
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
|
|
name for my baby."
|
|
"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
|
|
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
|
|
"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
|
|
name."
|
|
%
|
|
All that you touch, And all you create,
|
|
All that you see, And all you destroy,
|
|
All that you taste, All that you do,
|
|
All you feel, And all you say,
|
|
And all that you love, All that you eat,
|
|
And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
|
|
All you distrust, All that you slight,
|
|
All you save, And everyone you fight,
|
|
And all that you give, And all that is now,
|
|
And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
|
|
All that you buy, And all that's to come,
|
|
Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
|
|
in tune,
|
|
But the sun is eclipsed
|
|
By the moon.
|
|
|
|
There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
|
|
-- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
|
|
%
|
|
America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
|
|
with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
|
|
years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
|
|
or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
|
|
wife. They approve.
|
|
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
|
|
want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
|
|
thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
|
|
the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
|
|
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
|
|
to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
|
|
up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
|
|
Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
|
|
perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
|
|
impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
|
|
the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
|
|
screams: "Anybody got a match?"
|
|
%
|
|
An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
|
|
knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully
|
|
and with great restraint.
|
|
As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
|
|
embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
|
|
to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system is finished,
|
|
and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
|
|
that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
|
|
This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
|
|
When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
|
|
confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
|
|
and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
|
|
are particular and not generalizable.
|
|
The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
|
|
all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
|
|
one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile."
|
|
-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
|
|
%
|
|
An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
|
|
he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
|
|
restraint.
|
|
As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
|
|
after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
|
|
time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
|
|
with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
|
|
is ready to build a second system.
|
|
This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
|
|
he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
|
|
other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
|
|
will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
|
|
generalizable.
|
|
The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
|
|
the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
|
|
The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
|
|
%
|
|
An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
|
|
porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
|
|
picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
|
|
tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
|
|
After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
|
|
beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
|
|
voluptuous woman.
|
|
After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
|
|
for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
|
|
stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
|
|
The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
|
|
"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
|
|
faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
|
|
handsome prince!"
|
|
And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
|
|
handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
|
|
As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
|
|
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
|
|
fixed?"
|
|
%
|
|
An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
|
|
is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
|
|
announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
|
|
"What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
|
|
all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
|
|
piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
|
|
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
|
|
"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
|
|
outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
|
|
this head and pulls the trigger.
|
|
The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
|
|
again?"
|
|
"It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
|
|
-- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
|
|
%
|
|
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
|
|
The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
|
|
to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
|
|
used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
|
|
woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
|
|
and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
|
|
over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
|
|
and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
|
|
The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
|
|
while plunging the knife into his heart.
|
|
The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
|
|
"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
|
|
The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
|
|
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
|
|
%
|
|
An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
|
|
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
|
|
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
|
|
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
|
|
I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
|
|
Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
|
|
-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
|
|
%
|
|
And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
|
|
bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
|
|
to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
|
|
upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
|
|
breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
|
|
(skip a bit brother...)
|
|
Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
|
|
take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
|
|
Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
|
|
shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
|
|
that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
|
|
three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
|
|
Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
|
|
snuff it.
|
|
-- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
|
|
%
|
|
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
|
|
asked the father of his little son.
|
|
"Diet."
|
|
%
|
|
"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
|
|
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
|
|
posh hotel.
|
|
"No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
|
|
"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
|
|
"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
|
|
a postcard?"
|
|
%
|
|
"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
|
|
"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
|
|
"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
|
|
"That was the curious incident."
|
|
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
|
|
%
|
|
Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
|
|
preaching to a group of disciples.
|
|
"Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
|
|
the absolute reality of --"
|
|
"Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
|
|
Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
|
|
vaporized.
|
|
On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
|
|
with the spirit of the morning.
|
|
"Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
|
|
"Thou art That..."
|
|
"Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
|
|
Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
|
|
and he vaporized.
|
|
Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
|
|
enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
|
|
soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
|
|
"US?" snapped Hakuin.
|
|
Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
|
|
Governor, and he vaporized.
|
|
Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
|
|
his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
|
|
%
|
|
As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
|
|
for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
|
|
am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
|
|
you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
|
|
friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
|
|
"Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
|
|
for doing it."
|
|
-- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
|
|
%
|
|
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
|
|
Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
|
|
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
|
|
%
|
|
Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
|
|
took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
|
|
his followers.
|
|
One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
|
|
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
|
|
"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
|
|
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
|
|
Purpose in Life, anyway?"
|
|
Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
|
|
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
|
|
Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
|
|
Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
|
|
-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
|
|
%
|
|
better !pout !cry
|
|
better watchout
|
|
lpr why
|
|
santa claus < north pole > town
|
|
|
|
cat /etc/passwd > list
|
|
ncheck list
|
|
ncheck list
|
|
cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
|
|
cat list | grep nice > giftlist
|
|
santa claus < north pole > town
|
|
|
|
who | grep sleeping
|
|
who | grep awake
|
|
who | grep bad || good
|
|
for (goodness sake) {
|
|
be good
|
|
}
|
|
%
|
|
Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
|
|
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor
|
|
any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
|
|
Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
|
|
center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will
|
|
usually know what's wrong."
|
|
%
|
|
Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
|
|
and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
|
|
boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
|
|
look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
|
|
By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
|
|
teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
|
|
the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
|
|
Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
|
|
Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
|
|
what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
|
|
clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
|
|
get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
|
|
You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
|
|
Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
|
|
pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
|
|
"Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
|
|
%
|
|
By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
|
|
the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
|
|
still five feet between rails.
|
|
It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
|
|
in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
|
|
of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
|
|
axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
|
|
could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
|
|
great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
|
|
rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
|
|
new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
|
|
over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
|
|
was possible.
|
|
-- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
|
|
%
|
|
Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
|
|
along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
|
|
Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
|
|
Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
|
|
would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
|
|
Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
|
|
to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
|
|
Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
|
|
I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
|
|
Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
|
|
whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
|
|
Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
|
|
it some other time, Carrie."
|
|
She gave it up.
|
|
-- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
|
|
%
|
|
Chapter VIII
|
|
Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
|
|
Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
|
|
like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
|
|
%
|
|
Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted
|
|
in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
|
|
owls."
|
|
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
|
|
%
|
|
COONDOG MEMORY
|
|
(heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
|
|
|
|
Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
|
|
old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
|
|
For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
|
|
is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
|
|
try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
|
|
two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
|
|
back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
|
|
come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
|
|
run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
|
|
something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
|
|
up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
|
|
neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
|
|
stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
|
|
coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
|
|
skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
|
|
Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
|
|
was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
|
|
air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
|
|
Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
|
|
is for sale.
|
|
-- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
|
|
%
|
|
Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
|
|
functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
|
|
the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
|
|
However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
|
|
diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
|
|
square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
|
|
date of purchase.
|
|
NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
|
|
DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
|
|
ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
|
|
CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
|
|
-- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
|
|
%
|
|
Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
|
|
|
|
Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
|
|
Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
|
|
Sept 28 Blind Academy
|
|
Sept 30 World War I Veterans
|
|
Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
|
|
Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
|
|
Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
|
|
Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
|
|
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
|
|
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
|
|
%
|
|
"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
|
|
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
|
|
%
|
|
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
|
|
married?"
|
|
He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
|
|
I've always been especially fond of married women."
|
|
%
|
|
Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
|
|
Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
|
|
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
|
|
Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
|
|
|
|
Don't we know archaic barrel,
|
|
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
|
|
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
|
|
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
|
|
-- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
|
|
%
|
|
Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
|
|
white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
|
|
|
|
Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
|
|
|
|
p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
|
|
Or is Vaseline better?
|
|
%
|
|
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
|
|
sincerely, extremely dangerously.
|
|
They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
|
|
They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
|
|
intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
|
|
They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
|
|
used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
|
|
bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
|
|
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
|
|
They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
|
|
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
|
|
%
|
|
Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
|
|
at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
|
|
"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
|
|
experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
|
|
"I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
|
|
to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
|
|
thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
|
|
march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
|
|
sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
|
|
The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
|
|
human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
|
|
sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
|
|
all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
|
|
knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
|
|
my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
|
|
characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
|
|
The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
|
|
`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
|
|
-- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
|
|
%
|
|
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
|
|
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
|
|
In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
|
|
She's a women who conks to stupor.
|
|
Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
|
|
man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
|
|
It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
|
|
It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
|
|
bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
|
|
%
|
|
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
|
|
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
|
|
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
|
|
hit my wife."
|
|
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
|
|
at mine, over there."
|
|
%
|
|
Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
|
|
At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
|
|
after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
|
|
"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
|
|
charming a wife."
|
|
%
|
|
Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
|
|
far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
|
|
the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
|
|
It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
|
|
days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
|
|
There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
|
|
speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
|
|
The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
|
|
and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
|
|
sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
|
|
Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
|
|
be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
|
|
than I am.
|
|
I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
|
|
that she didn't recognize me.
|
|
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
|
|
this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
|
|
they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
|
|
Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
|
|
%
|
|
Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
|
|
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
|
|
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
|
|
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
|
|
"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
|
|
So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
|
|
%
|
|
Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
|
|
humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
|
|
rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
|
|
seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
|
|
The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
|
|
"One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
|
|
aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
|
|
but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
|
|
"At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
|
|
message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
|
|
but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
|
|
energy policy and neither do you."
|
|
-- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
|
|
%
|
|
"Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
|
|
"of course you know what 'it' means."
|
|
|
|
"I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
|
|
said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
|
|
|
|
The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
|
|
%
|
|
Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
|
|
usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
|
|
evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
|
|
such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
|
|
One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
|
|
and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
|
|
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
|
|
At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
|
|
in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
|
|
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
|
|
nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
|
|
They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
|
|
remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
|
|
the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
|
|
thoughts?"
|
|
Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
|
|
%
|
|
Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
|
|
"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
|
|
A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
|
|
stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
|
|
that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
|
|
An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
|
|
time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
|
|
had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
|
|
teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
|
|
A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
|
|
his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
|
|
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
|
|
little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
|
|
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
|
|
%
|
|
Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
|
|
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
|
|
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
|
|
and sarcastic?"
|
|
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
|
|
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
|
|
%
|
|
"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
|
|
extracurricular activity except you."
|
|
"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
|
|
"Only to ten, Mudhead."
|
|
%
|
|
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
|
|
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
|
|
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
|
|
dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
|
|
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
|
|
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
|
|
%
|
|
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
|
|
differences once and for all.
|
|
When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
|
|
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
|
|
%
|
|
Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
|
|
Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
|
|
to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
|
|
The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
|
|
text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
|
|
Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
|
|
the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
|
|
expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
|
|
Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
|
|
perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
|
|
denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
|
|
|
|
Thank you and good luck.
|
|
-- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
|
|
%
|
|
Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
|
|
may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
|
|
Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
|
|
even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
|
|
aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
|
|
If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
|
|
for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
|
|
Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
|
|
hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
|
|
Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
|
|
bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
|
|
for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
|
|
proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
|
|
about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
|
|
Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
|
|
them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
|
|
you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
|
|
-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
|
|
Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
|
|
Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
|
|
can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
|
|
line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
|
|
to stay employed.
|
|
-- Technolorata, "Analog"
|
|
%
|
|
"Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
|
|
his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
|
|
verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
|
|
thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
|
|
had actually implicationed.
|
|
"If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
|
|
leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
|
|
since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
|
|
-- The Guardian
|
|
%
|
|
Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
|
|
are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
|
|
and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
|
|
to conquer the world.
|
|
Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
|
|
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
|
|
lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
|
|
not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune,
|
|
for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
|
|
Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
|
|
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
|
|
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
|
|
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
|
|
nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
|
|
"Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
|
|
you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
|
|
right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on
|
|
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
|
|
find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
|
|
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
|
|
%
|
|
Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
|
|
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
|
|
been worse."
|
|
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
|
|
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
|
|
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
|
|
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
|
|
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
|
|
the gun on himself!"
|
|
"Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
|
|
"How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
|
|
have been worse?"
|
|
"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
|
|
dead right now."
|
|
%
|
|
He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
|
|
until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
|
|
heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
|
|
ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
|
|
rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
|
|
felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
|
|
doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
|
|
"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
|
|
right now."
|
|
"I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
|
|
out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
|
|
%
|
|
...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
|
|
does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
|
|
combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
|
|
self-propagating.
|
|
-- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
|
|
%
|
|
"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
|
|
"Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
|
|
"Do it alone?"
|
|
"Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
|
|
"How would that help?"
|
|
"Used a whip."
|
|
%
|
|
"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
|
|
"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
|
|
"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
|
|
"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
|
|
"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
|
|
"Oh, it's not dead then."
|
|
"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
|
|
goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
|
|
on the safe side."
|
|
"Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
|
|
to a dead cat, do you?"
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.
|
|
According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing
|
|
severe marketing anxiety in China.
|
|
The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending
|
|
on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
|
|
Bite the wax tadpole.
|
|
There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
|
|
The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard
|
|
to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
|
|
tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
|
|
satiric vistas do not open up.
|
|
-- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle
|
|
%
|
|
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
|
|
with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
|
|
Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
|
|
define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
|
|
court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
|
|
Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
|
|
it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
|
|
his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
|
|
enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
|
|
ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
|
|
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
|
|
it because the court was going to take a nap.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
|
|
%
|
|
"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
|
|
of her blonde companion.
|
|
"Fishing through the ice," she replied.
|
|
"Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
|
|
"Olives."
|
|
%
|
|
"How many people work here?"
|
|
"Oh, about half."
|
|
%
|
|
How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
|
|
3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
|
|
could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
|
|
-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
|
|
%
|
|
"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
|
|
social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
|
|
full of money before."
|
|
%
|
|
"How'd you get that flat?"
|
|
"Ran over a bottle."
|
|
"Didn't you see it?"
|
|
"Damn kid had it under his coat."
|
|
%
|
|
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
|
|
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
|
|
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
|
|
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
|
|
%
|
|
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
|
|
quavering voice.
|
|
"No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
|
|
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
|
|
I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
|
|
Elven-lore:
|
|
|
|
"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
|
|
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
|
|
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
|
|
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
|
|
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
|
|
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
|
|
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
|
|
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
|
|
-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
|
|
%
|
|
I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
|
|
the sky blue?"
|
|
HE asked me about black holes in space.
|
|
(There's a hole *where*?)
|
|
|
|
I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
|
|
HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
|
|
(Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
|
|
|
|
I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
|
|
HE talked internal combustion engines.
|
|
(The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
|
|
|
|
I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
|
|
as equals.
|
|
HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
|
|
the graphics.
|
|
|
|
Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
|
|
HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
|
|
(Gotcha!)
|
|
-- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
|
|
%
|
|
I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
|
|
use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
|
|
violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
|
|
is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
|
|
of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
|
|
each other up:
|
|
You: Hello? Bob?
|
|
Bob: Yes?
|
|
You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
|
|
took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
|
|
Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
|
|
You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
|
|
"Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
|
|
I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
|
|
and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
|
|
the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
|
|
have to get back to you.
|
|
Bob: Fine.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
"I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said.
|
|
Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
|
|
till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
|
|
"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice
|
|
objected.
|
|
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
|
|
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
|
|
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
|
|
so many different things."
|
|
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
|
|
that's all."
|
|
%
|
|
I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
|
|
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
|
|
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
|
|
can't be measured in monetary terms.
|
|
Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
|
|
have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
|
|
by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
|
|
should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
|
|
understand his long delay.
|
|
%
|
|
"I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
|
|
I think very probably he might be cured."
|
|
"That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
|
|
"His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
|
|
The elders murmured assent.
|
|
"Now, what affects it?"
|
|
"Ah!" said old Yacob.
|
|
"This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
|
|
things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
|
|
depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
|
|
as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
|
|
his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
|
|
irritation and distraction."
|
|
"Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
|
|
"And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
|
|
to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
|
|
operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
|
|
"And then he will be sane?"
|
|
"Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
|
|
"Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
|
|
-- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
|
|
%
|
|
I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
|
|
of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
|
|
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
|
|
as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
|
|
"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
|
|
at present".
|
|
When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
|
|
myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
|
|
immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
|
|
observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
|
|
but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
|
|
I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
|
|
conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
|
|
proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
|
|
I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
|
|
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
|
|
happened to be in the right.
|
|
-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
|
|
me to cry.
|
|
This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
|
|
to weep."
|
|
I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
|
|
back; I would be nice."
|
|
Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
|
|
"Oh, not enough."
|
|
"Nobody can give anybody enough."
|
|
"Not ever?"
|
|
"No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
|
|
"And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
|
|
"Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
|
|
valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
|
|
-- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
|
|
%
|
|
I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
|
|
asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
|
|
That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
|
|
over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
|
|
arrests.
|
|
"Not a very impressive record," I offered.
|
|
"Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
|
|
these complaints represent?"
|
|
"What do they represent?" I asked.
|
|
"Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
|
|
closing the book.
|
|
-- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
|
|
%
|
|
[I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
|
|
including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
|
|
as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
|
|
Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
|
|
of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
|
|
and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
|
|
My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
|
|
when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
|
|
into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
|
|
pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
|
|
into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
|
|
explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
|
|
time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
|
|
deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
|
|
%
|
|
I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
|
|
"What'll you have, Bud"?
|
|
I said," I don't know, surprise me".
|
|
So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
|
|
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
|
|
that is also a psychological interaction.
|
|
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
|
|
so friendly.
|
|
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
|
|
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
|
|
%
|
|
If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
|
|
operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
|
|
is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
|
|
the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
|
|
The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
|
|
to the assembler.
|
|
The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
|
|
languages.
|
|
Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
|
|
expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
|
|
the tao.
|
|
But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
|
|
%
|
|
If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
|
|
everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
|
|
we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
|
|
Both those things sound pretty good to me.
|
|
-- Sparky Anderson
|
|
%
|
|
If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
|
|
brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
|
|
up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
|
|
repeat the sequence.
|
|
You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
|
|
hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
|
|
again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
|
|
your own apartment?
|
|
-- William S. Burroughs
|
|
%
|
|
"I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
|
|
means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
|
|
somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
|
|
"Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
|
|
them, or something?"
|
|
"Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
|
|
lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
|
|
not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
|
|
"You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
|
|
"No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
|
|
you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
|
|
it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
|
|
would destroy the whole point of it."
|
|
-- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
|
|
%
|
|
"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
|
|
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
|
|
I'm on my way."
|
|
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
|
|
%
|
|
I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
|
|
right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
|
|
library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
|
|
should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
|
|
was by the time I find it.
|
|
I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
|
|
"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
|
|
that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
|
|
pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
|
|
blank."
|
|
-- Alex Crain
|
|
%
|
|
In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
|
|
Junior, what are you up to?"
|
|
"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
|
|
rabbit.
|
|
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
|
|
will publish such rubbish!"
|
|
"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
|
|
They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
|
|
rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
|
|
wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
|
|
"I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
|
|
wolves."
|
|
"Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
|
|
"Come with me and I'll show you."
|
|
As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
|
|
and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
|
|
and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
|
|
lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
|
|
remnants of the wolf and the fox.
|
|
|
|
The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
|
|
important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
|
|
%
|
|
In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
|
|
his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
|
|
kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
|
|
was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
|
|
Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
|
|
Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
|
|
of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
|
|
and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
|
|
out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
|
|
to product."
|
|
According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
|
|
10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
|
|
lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
|
|
pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
|
|
been an efficiency expert?
|
|
-- Motor Trend, May 1983
|
|
%
|
|
In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
|
|
mud."
|
|
And there was mud.
|
|
And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
|
|
can see what we have done."
|
|
And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
|
|
man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
|
|
"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
|
|
"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
|
|
"Certainly," said man.
|
|
"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
|
|
And He went away.
|
|
-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Between Time and Timbuktu"
|
|
%
|
|
In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
|
|
null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
|
|
IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
|
|
be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
|
|
carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
|
|
the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
|
|
evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
|
|
-- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
|
|
%
|
|
In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
|
|
the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
|
|
large numbers and prospered.
|
|
One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
|
|
as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
|
|
was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
|
|
until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
|
|
The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
|
|
structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
|
|
out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
|
|
they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
|
|
understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
|
|
amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
|
|
Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
|
|
-- The Story of Babel
|
|
%
|
|
In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
|
|
Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
|
|
|
|
Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
|
|
time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
|
|
have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
|
|
How could it be otherwise?
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
|
|
sat hacking at the PDP-6.
|
|
"What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
|
|
"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
|
|
"Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
|
|
"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
|
|
At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
|
|
you close your eyes?"
|
|
"So that the room will be empty."
|
|
At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
|
|
%
|
|
In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
|
|
changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this
|
|
bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
|
|
This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
|
|
making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
|
|
the blue sky at its back, returns home.
|
|
The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
|
|
it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
|
|
its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
|
|
does not know that the bird has come and gone.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
|
|
In the evening, floating in the soup.
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
|
|
Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
|
|
You can ask them anything you want to.
|
|
They won't answer; they can't talk.
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
I took a fish head out to see a movie,
|
|
Didn't have to pay to get it in.
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
|
|
They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in
|
|
Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
Fishy!
|
|
(chorus):
|
|
-- Fish Heads
|
|
%
|
|
"In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
|
|
to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
|
|
like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
|
|
baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
|
|
Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
|
|
achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
|
|
right any day."
|
|
"And are you?"
|
|
"No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
|
|
"Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
|
|
life-style otherwise."
|
|
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
|
|
%
|
|
In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
|
|
announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
|
|
today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
|
|
a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
|
|
in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
|
|
around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
|
|
those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
|
|
There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
|
|
citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
|
|
these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
|
|
than a citizen bless their country?"
|
|
%
|
|
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
|
|
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
|
|
may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
|
|
not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible
|
|
benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
|
|
I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
|
|
in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
|
|
capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
|
|
not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
|
|
receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
|
|
which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
|
|
Amen.
|
|
%
|
|
It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
|
|
working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he
|
|
found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one
|
|
he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They
|
|
discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second
|
|
new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
|
|
IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell
|
|
me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
|
|
an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
|
|
question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70",
|
|
Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
|
|
%
|
|
It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
|
|
directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
|
|
During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
|
|
Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
|
|
enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
|
|
sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
|
|
custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
|
|
freedom and games to the network...
|
|
-- DECWARS
|
|
%
|
|
It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
|
|
by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
|
|
the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
|
|
case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
|
|
which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
|
|
like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
|
|
require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
|
|
-- Alfred North Whitehead
|
|
%
|
|
It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
|
|
not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
|
|
because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
|
|
human beings.
|
|
The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
|
|
there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
|
|
duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
|
|
of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
|
|
you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
|
|
and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
|
|
Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
|
|
to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
|
|
response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
|
|
Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
|
|
have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
|
|
different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
|
|
person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
|
|
remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
|
|
religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
|
|
-- Playboy, January, 1983
|
|
%
|
|
It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
|
|
for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
|
|
change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
|
|
ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
|
|
after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
|
|
starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
|
|
a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
|
|
his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
|
|
he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
|
|
passengers.
|
|
One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
|
|
a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
|
|
parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
|
|
to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
|
|
As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
|
|
the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
|
|
"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
|
|
%
|
|
It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
|
|
balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
|
|
turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
|
|
need to find out where we are."
|
|
Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
|
|
cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
|
|
standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
|
|
where we are?"
|
|
The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
|
|
fifty feet in the air!"
|
|
George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
|
|
Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
|
|
"Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
|
|
useless!"
|
|
|
|
That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
|
|
George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
|
|
New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
|
|
%
|
|
It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
|
|
everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
|
|
was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
|
|
cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
|
|
There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
|
|
really needed in the first place.
|
|
I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
|
|
analogous to the above.
|
|
-- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
|
|
%
|
|
It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
|
|
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
|
|
thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
|
|
nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
|
|
for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
|
|
Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
|
|
under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
|
|
icepacks.
|
|
-- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon
|
|
%
|
|
Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
|
|
been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
|
|
"Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
|
|
when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
|
|
Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
|
|
it always me, teacher?"
|
|
"Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
|
|
explains.
|
|
|
|
-- being told in Poland, 1987
|
|
%
|
|
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
|
|
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
|
|
the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
|
|
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
|
|
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
|
|
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
|
|
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
|
|
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
|
|
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
|
|
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
|
|
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
|
|
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
|
|
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
|
|
the dining room skylight."
|
|
%
|
|
Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
|
|
lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
|
|
getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
|
|
the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
|
|
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
|
|
you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
|
|
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
|
|
of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
|
|
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
|
|
They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
|
|
applications for.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
|
|
tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
|
|
and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
|
|
outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
|
|
caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
|
|
day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
|
|
Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
|
|
What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
|
|
start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
|
|
Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
|
|
class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
|
|
movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
|
|
police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
|
|
home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
|
|
now. They're in a band.
|
|
-- Ira Kaplan
|
|
%
|
|
Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
|
|
Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
|
|
Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
|
|
dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
|
|
dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
|
|
away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
|
|
the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
|
|
other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
|
|
out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
|
|
back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
|
|
forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
|
|
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
|
|
%
|
|
Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
|
|
character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
|
|
hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
|
|
are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
|
|
BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
|
|
to him.
|
|
So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
|
|
he met the traveling salesman.
|
|
"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
|
|
in high-level language.
|
|
"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
|
|
and Apples," commented Jack.
|
|
"I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
|
|
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
|
|
Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
|
|
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
|
|
started thrashing.
|
|
"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
|
|
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
|
|
window...
|
|
-- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
|
|
%
|
|
Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
|
|
into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
|
|
galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
|
|
Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
|
|
eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
|
|
rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
|
|
the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
|
|
The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
|
|
guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
|
|
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
|
|
smacked his lips with relish.
|
|
"Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
|
|
"Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
|
|
a-comin'."
|
|
%
|
|
Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
|
|
and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
|
|
graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
|
|
These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't
|
|
hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess.
|
|
Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
|
|
Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good
|
|
for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint
|
|
and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
|
|
Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for
|
|
traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the
|
|
little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and
|
|
nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and
|
|
hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
|
|
die. So do we.
|
|
And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
|
|
learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in
|
|
there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and
|
|
politics and sane living.
|
|
Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
|
|
-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
|
|
our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
|
|
nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
|
|
messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
|
|
the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
|
|
-- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
|
|
in kindergarten"
|
|
%
|
|
Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to
|
|
do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top
|
|
of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
|
|
These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair.
|
|
Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your
|
|
own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you
|
|
hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and
|
|
cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think
|
|
some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day
|
|
some.
|
|
Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch
|
|
for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember
|
|
the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes
|
|
up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that.
|
|
[...]
|
|
Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole
|
|
world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay
|
|
down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation
|
|
and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned
|
|
up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when
|
|
you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
|
|
-- Robert Flughum
|
|
%
|
|
Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the
|
|
people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
|
|
Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
|
|
-- Spike Milligan
|
|
%
|
|
Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
|
|
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
|
|
"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
|
|
to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
|
|
All I have in the world is this gun."
|
|
%
|
|
Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
|
|
Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
|
|
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
|
|
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
|
|
The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
|
|
plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
|
|
cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
|
|
-- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
|
|
%
|
|
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
|
|
Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
|
|
without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
|
|
an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
|
|
prison.
|
|
They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
|
|
in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
|
|
them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
|
|
hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
|
|
to death.
|
|
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
|
|
be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
|
|
any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
|
|
Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
|
|
Murray.
|
|
"This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
|
|
spits in the sergeants face.
|
|
"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
|
|
-- Arthur Naiman
|
|
%
|
|
My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
|
|
Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
|
|
We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
|
|
Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
|
|
6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
|
|
6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
|
|
was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
|
|
and Knights of Pithiests.
|
|
The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
|
|
annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
|
|
which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
|
|
weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
|
|
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
|
|
pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
|
|
word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
|
|
embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
|
|
looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
|
|
We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
|
|
So we're going back in a few years...
|
|
-- Julius H. Marx
|
|
%
|
|
My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
|
|
even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
|
|
understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
|
|
robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
|
|
an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
|
|
the alter of human limitations.
|
|
I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
|
|
in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
|
|
the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
|
|
threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
|
|
stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
|
|
earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
|
|
Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
|
|
earth really does revolve about the sun.
|
|
-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
|
|
%
|
|
"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
|
|
a girl should not do before twenty."
|
|
"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
|
|
audience, either."
|
|
%
|
|
n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
|
|
n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
|
|
n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
|
|
n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
|
|
n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
|
|
|
|
-- Reverse the bits in a word.
|
|
%
|
|
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
|
|
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
|
|
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
|
|
cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
|
|
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
|
|
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
|
|
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
|
|
in the others.
|
|
While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
|
|
of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
|
|
it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
|
|
Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
|
|
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
|
|
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
|
|
Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
|
|
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
|
|
%
|
|
NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
|
|
directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
|
|
Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
|
|
offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
|
|
true value of the company.
|
|
Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
|
|
Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
|
|
agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
|
|
their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
|
|
reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
|
|
reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
|
|
Nazareth.
|
|
%
|
|
"No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
|
|
simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
|
|
hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
|
|
really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
|
|
expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
|
|
those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
|
|
can't."
|
|
"You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
|
|
-- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
|
|
%
|
|
Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
|
|
He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
|
|
"For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
|
|
"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
|
|
born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
|
|
program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
|
|
stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
|
|
a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
|
|
times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
|
|
*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
|
|
program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
|
|
the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
|
|
stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
|
|
hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
|
|
"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
|
|
%
|
|
Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
|
|
to be avoided than harped upon.
|
|
Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
|
|
reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
|
|
just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
|
|
about helping to postpone this reunion.
|
|
-- Douglas Adams
|
|
%
|
|
"Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
|
|
of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
|
|
urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
|
|
put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
|
|
confirm who I am.
|
|
"Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
|
|
-- Captain Freedom
|
|
%
|
|
Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
|
|
demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
|
|
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
|
|
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
|
|
no attention to the signal.
|
|
The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
|
|
complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
|
|
"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
|
|
"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
|
|
lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
|
|
%
|
|
On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
|
|
receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
|
|
income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
|
|
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
|
|
"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
|
|
route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
|
|
"Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured
|
|
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
|
|
worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
|
|
%
|
|
On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
|
|
around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
|
|
grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
|
|
almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
|
|
found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
|
|
desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
|
|
staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
|
|
Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
|
|
sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
|
|
being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
|
|
"You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
|
|
wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
|
|
With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
|
|
dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
|
|
normal person?"
|
|
%
|
|
On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
|
|
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
|
|
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
|
|
alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
|
|
dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
|
|
saying."
|
|
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
|
|
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
|
|
to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
|
|
singing."
|
|
"Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
|
|
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
|
|
%
|
|
On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
|
|
There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
|
|
is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
|
|
non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
|
|
several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
|
|
best, write it down and make that the standard.
|
|
The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
|
|
from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
|
|
committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
|
|
with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
|
|
something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
|
|
So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
|
|
then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
|
|
it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
|
|
after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
|
|
committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
|
|
it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
|
|
-- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
|
|
%
|
|
On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
|
|
tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
|
|
they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
|
|
it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
|
|
at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
|
|
heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
|
|
"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
|
|
What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
|
|
she looked like the side of a barn.
|
|
I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
|
|
had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
|
|
and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
|
|
when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
|
|
to decide quickly. I decided.
|
|
A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
|
|
man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomato came after
|
|
faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
|
|
me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
|
|
good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
|
|
the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
|
|
a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
|
|
-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
|
|
%
|
|
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
|
|
special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
|
|
traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
|
|
traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
|
|
see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
|
|
spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
|
|
week, until it led them to a parking space.
|
|
We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
|
|
let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
|
|
will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
|
|
great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
|
|
our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
|
|
to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
|
|
which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
|
|
shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
|
|
go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
|
|
and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
|
|
Skirmish"
|
|
%
|
|
Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
|
|
crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
|
|
and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
|
|
resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
|
|
said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
|
|
let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
|
|
The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
|
|
you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
|
|
die quicker than boredom!"
|
|
But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
|
|
once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
|
|
as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
|
|
bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
|
|
And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
|
|
a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
|
|
to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
|
|
Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
|
|
Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
|
|
But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
|
|
rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
|
|
-- Richard Bach
|
|
%
|
|
Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
|
|
time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
|
|
in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
|
|
dolphins live forever!
|
|
Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
|
|
produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
|
|
only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
|
|
away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
|
|
steal one of these birds.
|
|
Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
|
|
escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
|
|
combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
|
|
on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
|
|
Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
|
|
bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
|
|
stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
|
|
car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
|
|
transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
|
|
through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
|
|
on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
|
|
frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
|
|
I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
|
|
a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
|
|
"Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
|
|
help you break such a spell."
|
|
"Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
|
|
taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
|
|
the night under her pillow."
|
|
The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
|
|
pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
|
|
enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
|
|
royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
|
|
her father and mother still don't believe her story.
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
|
|
One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
|
|
biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
|
|
until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
|
|
of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
|
|
with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
|
|
accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
|
|
snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
|
|
"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
|
|
simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
|
|
fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
|
|
Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
|
|
boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
|
|
plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
|
|
heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
|
|
went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
|
|
his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
|
|
was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
|
|
the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
|
|
he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
|
|
his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
|
|
to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
|
|
and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
|
|
like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
|
|
is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
|
|
is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
|
|
And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
|
|
a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
|
|
perception of the elephant.
|
|
The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
|
|
attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
|
|
bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
|
|
goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
|
|
them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
|
|
in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
|
|
who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
|
|
and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
|
|
win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
|
|
way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
|
|
each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
|
|
not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
|
|
in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
|
|
they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
|
|
treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
|
|
thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
|
|
answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
|
|
%
|
|
Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
|
|
of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
|
|
complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
|
|
obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
|
|
Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
|
|
available to anyone.
|
|
-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
|
|
%
|
|
One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
|
|
a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
|
|
to each cons."
|
|
Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
|
|
student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
|
|
collector..."
|
|
%
|
|
One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
|
|
an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
|
|
went to speak with him.
|
|
"We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
|
|
students inquired.
|
|
"It is", Kyogen answered.
|
|
"Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
|
|
"As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
|
|
%
|
|
One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
|
|
he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
|
|
I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
|
|
things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
|
|
them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
|
|
so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
|
|
you."
|
|
The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
|
|
Kelly?"
|
|
He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
|
|
saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
|
|
lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
|
|
-- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
|
|
%
|
|
One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
|
|
and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
|
|
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
|
|
stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
|
|
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
|
|
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
|
|
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
|
|
meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
|
|
happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
|
|
again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
|
|
one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
|
|
losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
|
|
could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
|
|
and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
|
|
what's more, he felt really good about himself.
|
|
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
|
|
and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
|
|
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
|
|
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
|
|
bus pass."
|
|
%
|
|
One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
|
|
directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
|
|
"Change course 10 degrees South."
|
|
The reply was quickly flashed back...
|
|
"You change course 10 degrees North."
|
|
The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
|
|
message.....
|
|
"I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
|
|
Back came the reply...
|
|
"I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
|
|
The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
|
|
"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
|
|
Back came the reply...
|
|
"I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
|
|
-- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
|
|
%
|
|
One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
|
|
is our support for UNIX?
|
|
Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
|
|
Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
|
|
VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
|
|
easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
|
|
users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
|
|
And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
|
|
good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
|
|
It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
|
|
out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
|
|
up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
|
|
With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
|
|
check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
|
|
what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
|
|
you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
|
|
is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
|
|
-- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
|
|
[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
|
|
Olsen's brain. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
page 46
|
|
...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
|
|
Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
|
|
to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
|
|
on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
|
|
"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
|
|
on placebo."
|
|
page 56
|
|
The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
|
|
Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
|
|
affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
|
|
which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
|
|
diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
|
|
to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
|
|
be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
|
|
body functions.
|
|
-- Norman Cousins,
|
|
"Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
|
|
%
|
|
Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
|
|
town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
|
|
During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
|
|
stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
|
|
Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
|
|
a Tory!"
|
|
A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
|
|
loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
|
|
husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
|
|
A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
|
|
Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
|
|
never reveal our sauce."
|
|
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
|
|
kept favoring curry.
|
|
A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
|
|
game. They had the volley of the Dills.
|
|
%
|
|
People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
|
|
these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
|
|
persuasion.
|
|
"Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
|
|
misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
|
|
swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
|
|
respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
|
|
enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
|
|
the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
|
|
A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
|
|
version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
|
|
"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
|
|
able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
|
|
call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
|
|
youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
|
|
%
|
|
"Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
|
|
sounding a bit worried.
|
|
"Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
|
|
is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
|
|
"I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
|
|
said quickly.
|
|
"That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
|
|
Cobb said, hopping out.
|
|
-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
|
|
%
|
|
Phases of a Project:
|
|
(1) Exultation.
|
|
(2) Disenchantment.
|
|
(3) Confusion.
|
|
(4) Search for the Guilty.
|
|
(5) Punishment for the Innocent.
|
|
(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
|
|
%
|
|
Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
|
|
the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
|
|
ran like a gentle wind.
|
|
Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
|
|
"Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
|
|
follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
|
|
would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
|
|
longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
|
|
My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
|
|
free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
|
|
writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
|
|
coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
|
|
and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
|
|
program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
|
|
eyes for a moment and then log off."
|
|
Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
|
|
universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
|
|
know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
|
|
spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
|
|
starfield surrounding the ship.
|
|
"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
|
|
ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
|
|
they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
|
|
been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
|
|
and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
|
|
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
|
|
-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
|
|
%
|
|
Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
|
|
Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
|
|
and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
|
|
every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
|
|
getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
|
|
me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
|
|
Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
|
|
to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
|
|
No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
|
|
maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
|
|
the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
|
|
whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
|
|
possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
|
|
-- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
|
|
%
|
|
"Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
|
|
what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
|
|
somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
|
|
"He was going to suck my blood!"
|
|
"Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
|
|
if they don't live our way."
|
|
...
|
|
"The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
|
|
happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
|
|
ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
|
|
Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
|
|
his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
|
|
decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
|
|
through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
|
|
in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
|
|
"When you look at it that way..."
|
|
"Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
|
|
Whatever. We want. To do."
|
|
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
|
|
%
|
|
Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
|
|
uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
|
|
rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
|
|
algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
|
|
of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
|
|
claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
|
|
differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
|
|
largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
|
|
he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
|
|
well.
|
|
-- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
|
|
%
|
|
Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
|
|
their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
|
|
generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
|
|
|
|
Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
|
|
Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
|
|
shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
|
|
"There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
|
|
advertising men in charge of his campaign.
|
|
"What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
|
|
"That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
|
|
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
|
|
%
|
|
SAFETY
|
|
I can live without
|
|
Someone I love
|
|
But not without
|
|
Someone I need.
|
|
%
|
|
Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
|
|
"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
|
|
them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
|
|
"Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
|
|
Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
|
|
That way you'll get it out of your system."
|
|
Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
|
|
inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
|
|
time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
|
|
several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
|
|
yelled at him:
|
|
"Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
|
|
Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
|
|
barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
|
|
Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
|
|
at his head!"
|
|
Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
|
|
prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
|
|
here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
|
|
psychiatrist said. "Why?"
|
|
"Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
|
|
hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
|
|
%
|
|
Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
|
|
afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
|
|
the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
|
|
long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
|
|
removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
|
|
Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
|
|
Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
|
|
nice gesture you made today, George.
|
|
"What do you mean?" asked George.
|
|
"Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
|
|
respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
|
|
"Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
|
|
know."
|
|
%
|
|
"Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
|
|
"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
|
|
said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
|
|
"I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
|
|
"Too proud?" the other enquired.
|
|
Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
|
|
she said, "that one can't help growing older."
|
|
"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
|
|
proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
|
|
%
|
|
Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
|
|
The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
|
|
Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
|
|
the odd integers are prime."
|
|
The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
|
|
sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
|
|
experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
|
|
prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
|
|
is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
|
|
The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
|
|
"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
|
|
see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
|
|
well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
|
|
does seem right."
|
|
Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
|
|
"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
|
|
I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
|
|
his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
|
|
"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
|
|
%
|
|
"Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
|
|
"Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
|
|
"Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
|
|
paper boots."
|
|
"What's he wanted for?"
|
|
"Rustling."
|
|
%
|
|
Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
|
|
Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
|
|
automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
|
|
in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
|
|
He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
|
|
published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
|
|
had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
|
|
provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
|
|
Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
|
|
every copy.
|
|
%
|
|
So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
|
|
With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
|
|
maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
|
|
corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
|
|
flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
|
|
it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
|
|
I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
|
|
the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
|
|
Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
|
|
I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
|
|
heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
|
|
unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
|
|
up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
|
|
opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
|
|
our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
|
|
the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
|
|
cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
|
|
these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
|
|
into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
|
|
%
|
|
Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
|
|
haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
|
|
A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
|
|
the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
|
|
stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
|
|
may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
|
|
Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
|
|
theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
|
|
butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
|
|
disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
|
|
per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
|
|
when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
|
|
the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
|
|
People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
|
|
much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
|
|
Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
|
|
by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
|
|
And we always, always eat our vegetables.
|
|
This is the Minneapple.
|
|
%
|
|
Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
|
|
alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
|
|
the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
|
|
Tao of Programming.
|
|
If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
|
|
operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
|
|
greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
|
|
harmony in the world.
|
|
The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
|
|
morning.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
|
|
on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
|
|
Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
|
|
employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
|
|
farmers in America."
|
|
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
|
|
%
|
|
"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
|
|
Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
|
|
intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
|
|
women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
|
|
good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
|
|
Machineries of Joy?"
|
|
"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
|
|
-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
|
|
%
|
|
Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
|
|
Half 1/2 bottle
|
|
Bottle 750 milliliters
|
|
Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
|
|
Jeroboam 4 bottles
|
|
Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
|
|
Methuselah 8 bottles
|
|
Salmanazar 12 bottles
|
|
Balthazar 16 bottles
|
|
Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
|
|
Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
|
|
|
|
The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
|
|
largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
|
|
to produce and they only made 8 of them.
|
|
Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
|
|
%
|
|
Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
|
|
these questions three, ere the other side he see!
|
|
|
|
"What is your name?"
|
|
"Sir Brian of Bell."
|
|
"What is your quest?"
|
|
"I seek the Holy Grail."
|
|
"What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
|
|
to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
|
|
"I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
|
|
%
|
|
Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
|
|
Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
|
|
never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
|
|
and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
|
|
run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
|
|
Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
|
|
strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
|
|
were doing was right, that we were winning...
|
|
And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
|
|
over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
|
|
need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
|
|
-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
|
|
of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
|
|
up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
|
|
you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
|
|
broke and rolled back.
|
|
-- Hunter S. Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
|
|
to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
|
|
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
|
|
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
|
|
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
|
|
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
|
|
was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
|
|
improve ...
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
|
|
%
|
|
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
|
|
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
|
|
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
|
|
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
|
|
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
|
|
"So?"
|
|
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
|
|
%
|
|
"That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
|
|
they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
|
|
-- e.e. cummings last service call
|
|
%
|
|
"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
|
|
and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
|
|
You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
|
|
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
|
|
you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
|
|
honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
|
|
it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
|
|
the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
|
|
tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
|
|
is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
|
|
-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
|
|
%
|
|
The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
|
|
say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
|
|
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
|
|
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
|
|
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
|
|
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
|
|
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
|
|
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
|
|
So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
|
|
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
|
|
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
|
|
naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
|
|
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
|
|
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
|
|
others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
|
|
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
|
|
%
|
|
The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
|
|
for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
|
|
It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
|
|
has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
|
|
curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
|
|
foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
|
|
sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
|
|
dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
|
|
people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
|
|
is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
|
|
%
|
|
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
|
|
in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
|
|
laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
|
|
got a sense of humor?"
|
|
"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
|
|
%
|
|
The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
|
|
"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
|
|
in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
|
|
"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
|
|
but not much good in a fight."
|
|
%
|
|
The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
|
|
a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
|
|
his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
|
|
So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
|
|
please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
|
|
sees nothing but goyim..."
|
|
"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
|
|
you got problems. What about my son?"
|
|
%
|
|
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
|
|
physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
|
|
"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
|
|
from women."
|
|
"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
|
|
second best?"
|
|
%
|
|
The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
|
|
|
|
SPECIES: Cranial Males
|
|
SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
|
|
Courtship & Mating:
|
|
Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
|
|
state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
|
|
awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
|
|
chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
|
|
a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
|
|
Track:
|
|
Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
|
|
copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
|
|
Comments:
|
|
Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
|
|
%
|
|
The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
|
|
|
|
SPECIES: Cranial Males
|
|
SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
|
|
Description:
|
|
Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
|
|
Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
|
|
sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
|
|
and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
|
|
problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
|
|
Feathering:
|
|
HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
|
|
Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
|
|
Song:
|
|
A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
|
|
%
|
|
The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
|
|
|
|
SPECIES: Cranial Males
|
|
SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
|
|
Plumage:
|
|
All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
|
|
top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
|
|
wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
|
|
and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
|
|
or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
|
|
Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
|
|
plastic digital watch with calculator.
|
|
%
|
|
The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
|
|
As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
|
|
"What happened?"
|
|
"Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
|
|
-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
|
|
%
|
|
The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
|
|
inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
|
|
"$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
|
|
In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
|
|
he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
|
|
Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
|
|
a cup."
|
|
The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
|
|
"It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
|
|
Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
|
|
chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
|
|
mix-up. Nothing serious."
|
|
Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
|
|
mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
|
|
coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
|
|
-- Another Episode of General's Hospital
|
|
%
|
|
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
|
|
the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
|
|
Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
|
|
End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
|
|
%
|
|
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
|
|
the subject of towels.
|
|
Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
|
|
some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
|
|
with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
|
|
toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
|
|
the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
|
|
a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
|
|
hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
|
|
win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
|
|
reckoned with.
|
|
%
|
|
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
|
|
the subject of towels.
|
|
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
|
|
interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
|
|
You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
|
|
of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
|
|
of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
|
|
Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
|
|
with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
|
|
%
|
|
The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
|
|
After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
|
|
branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
|
|
wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
|
|
The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
|
|
horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
|
|
Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
|
|
"That's two," he said.
|
|
Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
|
|
crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
|
|
off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
|
|
shot the horse between the eyes.
|
|
"You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
|
|
married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
|
|
The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
|
|
%
|
|
The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
|
|
a position of negative need.
|
|
He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
|
|
He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
|
|
liquid.
|
|
He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
|
|
He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
|
|
prestige of His identity.
|
|
It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
|
|
ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror
|
|
sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
|
|
Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
|
|
into a pleasurific mood state.
|
|
You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
|
|
in the context of non-cooperative elements.
|
|
You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
|
|
My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
|
|
It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
|
|
empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
|
|
target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
|
|
tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
|
|
time basis.
|
|
%
|
|
The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
|
|
master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
|
|
master's office while the master waited in silence.
|
|
"This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
|
|
began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
|
|
system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
|
|
interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
|
|
Is it not amazing?"
|
|
The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
|
|
said.
|
|
"Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
|
|
everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
|
|
to this?"
|
|
"Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
|
|
data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
|
|
pleased.
|
|
Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
|
|
programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
|
|
you know where it might be?"
|
|
"Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
|
|
in the data center."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
|
|
emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
|
|
have a quarter?"
|
|
The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
|
|
The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
|
|
right! Can I have a dollar?"
|
|
%
|
|
The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
|
|
change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
|
|
is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
|
|
students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
|
|
ation.
|
|
Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
|
|
recognition of the sanctity of human life."
|
|
|
|
According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
|
|
1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
|
|
"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
|
|
farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
|
|
|
|
Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
|
|
Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
|
|
probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
|
|
|
|
It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
|
|
logically experienced citizens."
|
|
|
|
According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
|
|
just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
|
|
-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
|
|
%
|
|
"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
|
|
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
|
|
feel interested.
|
|
"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
|
|
vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
|
|
Aged Man.'"
|
|
"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
|
|
Alice corrected herself.
|
|
"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
|
|
called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
|
|
"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
|
|
time completely bewildered.
|
|
"I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
|
|
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
|
|
--Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
|
|
%
|
|
The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
|
|
You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
|
|
old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
|
|
grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
|
|
bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
|
|
-- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
|
|
%
|
|
The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
|
|
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
|
|
A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
|
|
Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
|
|
out on the water, round. Usurper.
|
|
-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
|
|
%
|
|
The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
|
|
get results.
|
|
The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
|
|
problems in order to get results
|
|
The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
|
|
toy problems in order to get results.
|
|
%
|
|
The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
|
|
their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
|
|
Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
|
|
battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
|
|
blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
|
|
Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
|
|
The answer exists only in the Tao.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
|
|
forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
|
|
their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
|
|
to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
|
|
Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
|
|
on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
|
|
got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
|
|
hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
|
|
most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
|
|
"Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
|
|
The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
|
|
suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
|
|
through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
|
|
and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
|
|
one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
|
|
%
|
|
The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
|
|
Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
|
|
of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
|
|
reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
|
|
field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as
|
|
early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
|
|
national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
|
|
incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
|
|
analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
|
|
threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless
|
|
is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
|
|
which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
|
|
Iceland and get it from the Russians.
|
|
-- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy"
|
|
%
|
|
The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
|
|
to the assembler.
|
|
The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
|
|
languages.
|
|
Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
|
|
expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
|
|
the Tao.
|
|
But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
|
|
Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
|
|
|
|
A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
|
|
should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
|
|
take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
|
|
of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
|
|
statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
|
|
of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
|
|
only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
|
|
|
|
The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
|
|
The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
|
|
No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
|
|
Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
|
|
|
|
A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
|
|
%
|
|
The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
|
|
programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
|
|
is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
|
|
would be no Tao.
|
|
The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
|
|
retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
|
|
still has bugs.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
THE WOMBAT
|
|
|
|
The wombat lives across the seas,
|
|
Among the far Antipodes.
|
|
He may exist on nuts and berries,
|
|
Or then again, on missionaries;
|
|
His distant habitat precludes
|
|
Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
|
|
But I would not engage the wombat
|
|
In any form of mortal combat.
|
|
%
|
|
The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
|
|
stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
|
|
his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
|
|
to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
|
|
wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
|
|
Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
|
|
of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
|
|
line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
|
|
he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
|
|
was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
|
|
he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
|
|
to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
|
|
for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
|
|
As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
|
|
Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
|
|
Dave!"
|
|
%
|
|
Them Toad Suckers
|
|
|
|
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
|
|
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
|
|
|
|
Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
|
|
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
|
|
|
|
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
|
|
Suckin' them bog frogs sure makes 'em happy!
|
|
|
|
Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
|
|
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
|
|
|
|
How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
|
|
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
|
|
-- Mason Williams
|
|
%
|
|
Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
|
|
|
|
He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
|
|
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
|
|
open market.
|
|
|
|
If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
|
|
should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
|
|
himself.
|
|
|
|
Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
|
|
Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
|
|
Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
|
|
-- Kehlog Albran
|
|
%
|
|
Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
|
|
it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
|
|
the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
|
|
With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
|
|
make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
|
|
when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
|
|
him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
|
|
with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
|
|
THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
|
|
TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
|
|
has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
|
|
Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
|
|
-- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
|
|
%
|
|
Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
|
|
with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
|
|
sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
|
|
his real problems.
|
|
The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
|
|
problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
|
|
headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
|
|
gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
|
|
The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
|
|
stand to live with.
|
|
-- R. Geis
|
|
%
|
|
"Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
|
|
wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
|
|
hard, to keep from falling.
|
|
Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
|
|
his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
|
|
...
|
|
"Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
|
|
are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
|
|
heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
|
|
-- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
|
|
%
|
|
There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
|
|
someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
|
|
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
|
|
Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
|
|
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
|
|
this?
|
|
Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
|
|
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you
|
|
can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
|
|
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
|
|
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
|
|
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
|
|
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
|
|
-- Arthur Naiman
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
|
|
he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
|
|
"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
|
|
forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
|
|
This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
|
|
of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
|
|
But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
|
|
When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
|
|
but nothing was to be found.
|
|
On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
|
|
guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
|
|
better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
|
|
On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
|
|
curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
|
|
in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
|
|
The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
|
|
A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
|
|
programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
|
|
master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
|
|
appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
|
|
understand the Tao before transcending structure."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one
|
|
day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
|
|
of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
|
|
change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
|
|
whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
|
|
going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
|
|
a man who answered one door.
|
|
"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
|
|
"Forty dollars."
|
|
"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
|
|
Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
|
|
"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
|
|
"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
|
|
%
|
|
There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
|
|
you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
|
|
"I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
|
|
"Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
|
|
they're carrying upstairs!"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
|
|
three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
|
|
each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
|
|
can opener.
|
|
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
|
|
cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
|
|
pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
|
|
and escaped.
|
|
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
|
|
off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
|
|
pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
|
|
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
|
|
solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
|
|
against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
|
|
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
|
|
Proof: assume the opposite...
|
|
%
|
|
There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
|
|
warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
|
|
an accounting package or an operating system?"
|
|
"An operating system," replied the programmer.
|
|
The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
|
|
accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
|
|
system," he said.
|
|
"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
|
|
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
|
|
how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
|
|
the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
|
|
appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
|
|
simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
|
|
is easier to design."
|
|
The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but
|
|
which is easier to debug?"
|
|
The programmer made no reply.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
|
|
warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
|
|
an accounting package or an operating system?"
|
|
"An operating system," replied the programmer.
|
|
The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
|
|
accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
|
|
system," he said.
|
|
"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
|
|
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
|
|
how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
|
|
tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
|
|
appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
|
|
simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
|
|
is easier to design."
|
|
The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
|
|
he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
|
|
The programmer made no reply.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
|
|
how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
|
|
"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
|
|
share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
|
|
easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
|
|
The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
|
|
friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
|
|
midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
|
|
of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
|
|
as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
|
|
like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
|
|
The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
|
|
two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
|
|
drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
|
|
pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
|
|
demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
|
|
sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
|
|
They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
|
|
No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
|
|
ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
|
|
was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
|
|
beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
|
|
things was itself the doing of them.
|
|
To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
|
|
so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
|
|
greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
|
|
and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
|
|
sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
|
|
of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
|
|
spread only for demons or for gods."
|
|
-- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
|
|
%
|
|
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
|
|
parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
|
|
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
|
|
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
|
|
Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
|
|
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
|
|
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
|
|
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
|
|
country. We're completely computerized.
|
|
"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
|
|
leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
|
|
real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
|
|
country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
|
|
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
|
|
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
|
|
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
|
|
"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
|
|
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
|
|
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
|
|
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
|
|
your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
|
|
-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
|
|
%
|
|
This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
|
|
explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
|
|
use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
|
|
and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
|
|
We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
|
|
pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
|
|
we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
|
|
making anything out of all the hard work.
|
|
If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
|
|
around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
|
|
attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
|
|
locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
|
|
-- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
|
|
%
|
|
Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of
|
|
legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does.
|
|
As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I
|
|
am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we
|
|
will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior
|
|
a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn
|
|
politicians.
|
|
The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do
|
|
for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor.
|
|
From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily
|
|
led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to
|
|
bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't
|
|
have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter
|
|
Thompson's disease.
|
|
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
|
|
from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and
|
|
Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
|
|
%
|
|
To A Quick Young Fox
|
|
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
|
|
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
|
|
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
|
|
Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
|
|
-- Lazy Dog
|
|
%
|
|
To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
|
|
wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
|
|
The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
|
|
food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
|
|
promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
|
|
eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
|
|
Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
|
|
pint of ice cream nearby.
|
|
-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
|
|
%
|
|
Two men looked out from the prison bars,
|
|
One saw mud--
|
|
The other saw stars.
|
|
|
|
Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
|
|
While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
|
|
in the head.
|
|
%
|
|
Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
|
|
ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
|
|
"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
|
|
After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
|
|
seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
|
|
sing, "Some day my prints will come."
|
|
A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
|
|
an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
|
|
bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
|
|
son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
|
|
A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
|
|
and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
|
|
was Carmen or Cohen.
|
|
Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
|
|
since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
|
|
orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
|
|
%
|
|
"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
|
|
strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
|
|
crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
|
|
There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
|
|
a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
|
|
salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
|
|
square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
|
|
soggy potato chips."
|
|
"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
|
|
"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
|
|
"but I thought it made good copy."
|
|
-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
|
|
%
|
|
Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
|
|
Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
|
|
up to 340."
|
|
|
|
On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
|
|
stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
|
|
to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
|
|
|
|
A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
|
|
finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
|
|
are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
|
|
work."
|
|
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
|
|
%
|
|
WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
|
|
|
|
Firings will continue until morale improves.
|
|
%
|
|
We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
|
|
think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
|
|
doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
|
|
messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
|
|
disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
|
|
by law, up to and including nothing.
|
|
This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
|
|
packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
|
|
We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
|
|
lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
|
|
attack shark at which point we relented.
|
|
-- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
|
|
%
|
|
"We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
|
|
and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
|
|
trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
|
|
in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
|
|
predatory.
|
|
The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
|
|
at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
|
|
Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
|
|
-- William Burroughs
|
|
%
|
|
We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
|
|
you are so tired.
|
|
There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
|
|
The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
|
|
60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
|
|
years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
|
|
There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
|
|
19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
|
|
leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
|
|
and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
|
|
hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
|
|
Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
|
|
so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
|
|
brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
|
|
%
|
|
"Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
|
|
you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
|
|
psycho-prompter couch?"
|
|
"Thank you, Red."
|
|
"Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
|
|
your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
|
|
pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
|
|
"Yes, Red."
|
|
"But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
|
|
repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
|
|
at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
|
|
your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
|
|
two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
|
|
projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
|
|
"Yes, Red."
|
|
"I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
|
|
been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
|
|
explain the failure of your three marriages."
|
|
"Well, I--"
|
|
"We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
|
|
product."
|
|
-- Jules Feiffer
|
|
%
|
|
Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
|
|
of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
|
|
Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
|
|
only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
|
|
able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
|
|
undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
|
|
inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
|
|
All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
|
|
became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
|
|
not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
|
|
meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
|
|
all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
|
|
all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
|
|
destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
|
|
Time passed, unheeded.
|
|
Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
|
|
Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
|
|
-- Wayfarer
|
|
%
|
|
"Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
|
|
blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
|
|
blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
|
|
scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
|
|
ripped off..."
|
|
"He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
|
|
let him lie there all night."
|
|
"Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
|
|
White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
|
|
and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
|
|
that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
|
|
"Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
|
|
and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
|
|
around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
|
|
in the street, bleeding to death...'"
|
|
"... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
|
|
"It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
|
|
"Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
|
|
-- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
|
|
ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
|
|
%
|
|
"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
|
|
The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
|
|
maim or kill innocent little children."
|
|
"Oh, so you don't like it?"
|
|
"Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
|
|
-- The Killing Joke
|
|
%
|
|
"Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
|
|
as follows."
|
|
"What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
|
|
an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
|
|
"It means the Thing to Do."
|
|
"As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
|
|
%
|
|
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
|
|
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
|
|
good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
|
|
MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
|
|
The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
|
|
is mightier than you."
|
|
A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
|
|
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
|
|
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
|
|
stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
|
|
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
|
|
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
|
|
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
|
|
Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
|
|
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
|
|
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
|
|
tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
|
|
don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
|
|
%
|
|
"We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
|
|
had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
|
|
Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
|
|
-- The Washington Post, February, 1988
|
|
|
|
The New Yorker's comment:
|
|
At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
|
|
%
|
|
"We've decided to have the budgie put down."
|
|
"Oh, is he very old then?"
|
|
"No, we just don't like him."
|
|
"Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
|
|
"Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
|
|
great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
|
|
you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
|
|
above the beak."
|
|
"Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
|
|
"Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
|
|
pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
|
|
of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
"We've got a problem, HAL".
|
|
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
|
|
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
|
|
way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
|
|
"That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
|
|
advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
|
|
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
|
|
they're not selling."
|
|
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
|
|
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
|
|
[...]
|
|
"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
|
|
I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
|
|
"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
|
|
"What kludge is that, Dave?"
|
|
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
|
|
-- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
|
|
%
|
|
"What are you doing?"
|
|
"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
|
|
that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
|
|
period."
|
|
%
|
|
"What are you watching?"
|
|
"I don't know."
|
|
"Well, what's happening?"
|
|
"I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
|
|
terrible."
|
|
"Why are you watching it?"
|
|
"You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
|
|
flow over you."
|
|
-- The Big Chill
|
|
%
|
|
"What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
|
|
fantasies?"
|
|
"You keep it to yourself."
|
|
-- Broadcast News
|
|
%
|
|
"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
|
|
asked her mother.
|
|
"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
|
|
%
|
|
What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
|
|
chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
|
|
conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
|
|
repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
|
|
they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
|
|
passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
|
|
all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
|
|
and they remain permanent influences on your life.
|
|
Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
|
|
as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
|
|
less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
|
|
men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
|
|
more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
|
|
-- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
|
|
%
|
|
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
|
|
didn't believe in God".
|
|
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
|
|
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
|
|
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
|
|
-- Joseph Heller
|
|
%
|
|
"What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
|
|
"I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
|
|
ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
|
|
-- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
|
|
%
|
|
"What's that thing?"
|
|
"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
|
|
computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
|
|
it does. We call it a two-by-four."
|
|
-- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly
|
|
%
|
|
When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
|
|
his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
|
|
questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
|
|
political views.
|
|
"Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
|
|
driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
|
|
'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
|
|
closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
|
|
"I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
|
|
moved farther to the left."
|
|
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
|
|
%
|
|
When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
|
|
When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
|
|
to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
|
|
roll in.
|
|
Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
|
|
When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
|
|
accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
|
|
When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
|
|
be solved.
|
|
Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
|
|
"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
|
|
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
|
|
"I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
|
|
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
|
|
%
|
|
When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
|
|
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
|
|
hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
|
|
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
|
|
but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
|
|
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
|
|
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
|
|
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
|
|
Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
|
|
It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
|
|
Rumania.
|
|
-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
|
|
%
|
|
"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
|
|
"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
|
|
"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
|
|
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
|
|
Piglet.
|
|
Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
|
|
%
|
|
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
|
|
the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
|
|
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
|
|
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
|
|
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
|
|
"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
|
|
then. We're trying to catch her."
|
|
"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
|
|
carrying a bucket of sand?"
|
|
"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
|
|
%
|
|
While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
|
|
inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
|
|
Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
|
|
you burn, madam."
|
|
%
|
|
While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
|
|
his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
|
|
"Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
|
|
mean?"
|
|
The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
|
|
`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
|
|
a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
|
|
salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
|
|
machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
|
|
thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
|
|
had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
|
|
more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
|
|
acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
|
|
be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
|
|
were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
|
|
why the sea is salt."
|
|
"I don't get you," said the assistant.
|
|
-- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
|
|
%
|
|
Why are you doing this to me?
|
|
Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
|
|
there is change.
|
|
-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
|
|
%
|
|
"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
|
|
night?" demanded the irate mother.
|
|
"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
|
|
"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
|
|
movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
|
|
"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
|
|
"We did."
|
|
%
|
|
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
|
|
vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
|
|
unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
|
|
the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
|
|
-- $40,000."
|
|
%
|
|
With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
|
|
Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
|
|
buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
|
|
"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
|
|
"I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
|
|
"I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
|
|
and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
|
|
"Okay. It's your wife."
|
|
"My wife!!"
|
|
"Yeah."
|
|
"What about her?"
|
|
Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
|
|
his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
|
|
%
|
|
Work Hard.
|
|
Rock Hard.
|
|
Eat Hard.
|
|
Sleep Hard.
|
|
Grow Big.
|
|
Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
|
|
-- The Webb Wilder Credo
|
|
%
|
|
Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
|
|
and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
|
|
quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
|
|
and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
|
|
Chips, as well as after Chips?
|
|
%
|
|
"Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
|
|
mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
|
|
"What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
|
|
bury it or else throw it into the brook."
|
|
"Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
|
|
do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
|
|
long, and two mouses wide."
|
|
I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
|
|
how it was used...
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
|
|
%
|
|
"Yo, Mike!"
|
|
"Yeah, Gabe?"
|
|
"We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
|
|
"I thought you fixed that last century!"
|
|
"No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
|
|
program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
|
|
"Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
|
|
there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
|
|
There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
|
|
-- Cold Fusion, 1989
|
|
%
|
|
"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
|
|
"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
|
|
"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
|
|
was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
|
|
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
|
|
%
|
|
"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
|
|
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
|
|
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
|
|
when I was young!"
|
|
"Why, what did she tell you?"
|
|
"I don't know, I didn't listen."
|
|
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
|
|
%
|
|
"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
|
|
any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
|
|
fit to hear his view of things?"
|
|
"Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
|
|
you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
|
|
imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
|
|
if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
|
|
potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
|
|
and you may feel free to kick his ass."
|
|
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
|
|
%
|
|
"You say there are two types of people?"
|
|
"Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
|
|
don't."
|
|
"Wrong. There are three groups:
|
|
Those who separate people into three groups.
|
|
Those who don't separate people into groups.
|
|
Those who can't decide."
|
|
"Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
|
|
two groups?"
|
|
"Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
|
|
"Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
|
|
"Yeah."
|
|
"So then there's a fifth group, right?"
|
|
"You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
|
|
minds."
|
|
%
|
|
Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
|
|
week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
|
|
only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
|
|
Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
|
|
to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
|
|
It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
|
|
rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
|
|
fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
|
|
soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
|
|
beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
|
|
twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
|
|
age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
|
|
This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
|
|
-- Quote from a 1910 periodical
|
|
%
|
|
Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
|
|
electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
|
|
kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
|
|
problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
|
|
the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
|
|
outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
|
|
to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
|
|
Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
|
|
means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
|
|
that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
|
|
caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
|
|
possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
|
|
actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
|
|
signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
|
|
cats on the dinette table, etc.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
|
|
%
|
|
"Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
|
|
"We wound barbed wire around them."
|
|
"That stop him?"
|
|
"No, but it sure slowed him up."
|
|
%
|
|
Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
|
|
the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
|
|
of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
|
|
Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
|
|
old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
|
|
enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
|
|
-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
|
|
back to dust.
|
|
Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
|
|
of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
|
|
thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
|
|
for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
|
|
You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
|
|
self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
|
|
despair.
|
|
So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
|
|
grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
|
|
you are young.
|
|
-- Samuel Ullman
|
|
%
|
|
" "
|
|
-- Charlie Chaplin
|
|
|
|
" "
|
|
-- Harpo Marx
|
|
|
|
" "
|
|
-- Marcel Marceau
|
|
%
|
|
/\
|
|
\\ \
|
|
/ \ \\ /
|
|
/ / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
|
|
\//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
|
|
/ / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
|
|
/ \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
|
|
\ \\
|
|
\/
|
|
-- Eurythmics
|
|
%
|
|
___ ______
|
|
/__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
|
|
\ \ \ / /\\
|
|
\ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
|
|
_\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
|
|
// \__\/ / \ /\ \
|
|
_______//_______/ \ / _\/______
|
|
/ / \ \ / / / /\
|
|
__/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
|
|
/ / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
|
|
/_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
|
|
\ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
|
|
\_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
|
|
\ \/ / \ \ \ \ /
|
|
\_____/ / \ \ \________\/
|
|
/__________/ \ \ /
|
|
\ _____ \ /_____\/
|
|
\ / /\ \ / \ \ \
|
|
/____/ \ \ / \ \ \
|
|
\ \ /___\/ \ \ \
|
|
\____\/ \__\/
|
|
%
|
|
***
|
|
*******
|
|
*********
|
|
****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
|
|
*******
|
|
***
|
|
%
|
|
* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
|
|
%
|
|
It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
|
|
primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
|
|
of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
|
|
arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
|
|
completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
|
|
once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
|
|
subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
|
|
man.
|
|
-- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
|
|
%
|
|
=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
|
|
|
|
Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
|
|
will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
|
|
updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
|
|
machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
|
|
populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
|
|
cold boot process.
|
|
%
|
|
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
|
|
|
|
A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
|
|
|
|
The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
|
|
Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
|
|
switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
|
|
Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
|
|
back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
|
|
performance.
|
|
%
|
|
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
|
|
|
|
Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
|
|
this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
|
|
order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
|
|
please communicate them by one of the following paths:
|
|
|
|
ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
|
|
UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
|
|
Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
|
|
Wastebasket
|
|
Room NE43-926
|
|
Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
|
|
For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
|
|
operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
|
|
|
|
* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
|
|
responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
|
|
%
|
|
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
|
|
|
|
CAR and CDR now return extra values.
|
|
|
|
The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
|
|
to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
|
|
well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
|
|
destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
|
|
|
|
(MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
|
|
|
|
For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
|
|
object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
|
|
fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
|
|
hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
|
|
it cold boots the machine so often.
|
|
%
|
|
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
|
|
|
|
Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
|
|
INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
|
|
LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
|
|
done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
|
|
Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
|
|
|
|
(LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
|
|
,LET)))
|
|
`(LET ((LET ',LET))
|
|
,LET))
|
|
|
|
This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
|
|
3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
|
|
This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
|
|
Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
|
|
confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
|
|
%
|
|
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
|
|
|
|
JCL support as alternative to system menu.
|
|
|
|
In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
|
|
we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
|
|
alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
|
|
interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
|
|
compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
|
|
window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
|
|
such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
|
|
syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
|
|
debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
|
|
messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
|
|
%
|
|
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
|
|
|
|
The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
|
|
collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
|
|
(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
|
|
virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
|
|
QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
|
|
collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
|
|
than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
|
|
more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
|
|
remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
|
|
in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
|
|
SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
|
|
%
|
|
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
|
|
|
|
There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
|
|
(DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
|
|
(PROG (V P LP)
|
|
(SETQ P (LOCF V))
|
|
L (SETQ LP LISTS)
|
|
(%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
|
|
L1 (OR LP (GO L2))
|
|
(AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
|
|
(%PUSH (CAAR LP))
|
|
(RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
|
|
(SETQ LP (CDR LP))
|
|
(GO L1)
|
|
L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
|
|
(SETQ LP (%POP))
|
|
(RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
|
|
(GO L)))
|
|
We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
|
|
%
|
|
**** CONVENTION REMINDER
|
|
|
|
No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
|
|
Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
|
|
smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
|
|
carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
|
|
marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
|
|
%
|
|
**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
|
|
|
|
For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
|
|
Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
|
|
to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
|
|
beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
|
|
they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
|
|
Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
|
|
not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
|
|
all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
|
|
great potential.
|
|
%
|
|
I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
|
|
its situation.
|
|
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
|
|
loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
|
|
look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
|
|
second per second takes over.
|
|
II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
|
|
intervenes suddenly.
|
|
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
|
|
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
|
|
pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
|
|
Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
|
|
stooge's surcease.
|
|
III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
|
|
conforming to its perimeter.
|
|
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
|
|
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
|
|
cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
|
|
the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
|
|
threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
|
|
-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
|
|
%
|
|
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
|
|
2. The Nutcracker Swede
|
|
3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
|
|
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
|
|
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
|
|
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
|
|
7. Crisco Kringle
|
|
8. Babes in Boyland
|
|
9. Santa's Magic Lap
|
|
10. Hot Buttered Elves
|
|
-- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
|
|
Square"
|
|
%
|
|
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
|
|
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
|
|
were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
|
|
a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
|
|
Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
|
|
and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
|
|
that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
|
|
-- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
|
|
%
|
|
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
|
|
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
|
|
carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
|
|
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
|
|
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
|
|
the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
|
|
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
|
|
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
|
|
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
|
|
advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
|
|
%
|
|
=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
|
|
|
|
To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
|
|
course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
|
|
offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
|
|
afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
|
|
to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
|
|
there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
|
|
%
|
|
"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
|
|
products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
|
|
-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
|
|
MIT Press, 1987
|
|
%
|
|
... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
|
|
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
|
|
down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
|
|
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
|
|
never when standing.
|
|
|
|
Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
|
|
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
|
|
know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
|
|
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
|
|
electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
|
|
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
|
|
the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
|
|
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
|
|
astray by hunting and pecking.
|
|
-- from the Programming Pearls column,
|
|
by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
|
|
%
|
|
... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
|
|
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
|
|
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
|
|
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
|
|
it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
|
|
prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
|
|
looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
|
|
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
|
|
mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
|
|
may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
|
|
have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
|
|
-- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
|
|
%
|
|
... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
|
|
my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any
|
|
resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The
|
|
question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
|
|
is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of
|
|
the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A
|
|
discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
|
|
of this article.)
|
|
%
|
|
"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..."
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
|
|
objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
|
|
public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
|
|
public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
|
|
parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
|
|
are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
|
|
the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
|
|
other's private parts.
|
|
-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
|
|
%
|
|
... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
|
|
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
|
|
gain in 30 years.
|
|
-- Fred Brooks
|
|
%
|
|
... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
|
|
perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
|
|
attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
|
|
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
|
|
yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
|
|
%
|
|
<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
|
|
%
|
|
... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
|
|
"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
|
|
words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
|
|
He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
|
|
them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
|
|
Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
|
|
knows them in the naming.
|
|
-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
|
|
%
|
|
"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
|
|
-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
|
|
the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
|
|
Security Agency.
|
|
%
|
|
/* Haley */
|
|
|
|
(Haley's comment.)
|
|
%
|
|
... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does
|
|
on lust, this would be a better world.
|
|
-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
|
|
%
|
|
**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
|
|
|
|
Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
|
|
erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
|
|
Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
|
|
Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
|
|
valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
|
|
in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
|
|
as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
|
|
time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
|
|
of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
|
|
space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
|
|
validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
|
|
extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
|
|
or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
|
|
%
|
|
... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
|
|
intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
|
|
to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
|
|
at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
|
|
incalculable ...
|
|
-- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
|
|
%
|
|
>>> Internal error in fortune program:
|
|
>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
|
|
>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
|
|
%
|
|
: is not an identifier
|
|
%
|
|
... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
|
|
sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
|
|
words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
|
|
superficial design flaws.
|
|
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products
|
|
of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
|
|
%
|
|
... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
|
|
existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
|
|
systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
|
|
hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
|
|
-- Sidney Hook
|
|
%
|
|
... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
|
|
found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
|
|
-- John 11:43-44
|
|
%
|
|
"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
|
|
What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
|
|
-- Opus
|
|
%
|
|
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
|
|
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
|
|
to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
|
|
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
|
|
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
|
|
diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
|
|
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
|
|
of small, green bryophytic plant.
|
|
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
|
|
of a lucrative nature.
|
|
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
|
|
osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
|
|
%
|
|
** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
|
|
%
|
|
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
|
|
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
|
|
hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
|
|
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
|
|
congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
|
|
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
|
|
optimal cachinnation.
|
|
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
|
|
escalation of a lucrative nature.
|
|
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
|
|
fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
|
|
remain innocuous.
|
|
%
|
|
*** NEWS FLASH ***
|
|
|
|
Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
|
|
skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
|
|
than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
|
|
%
|
|
*** NEWSFLASH ***
|
|
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
|
|
Details at eleven!
|
|
%
|
|
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
|
|
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
|
|
their C programs.
|
|
-- Robert Firth
|
|
%
|
|
... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
|
|
downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
|
|
awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
|
|
-- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
|
|
"The History of Manned Space Flight"
|
|
%
|
|
-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
|
|
-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
|
|
-- Surveillance should precede saltation.
|
|
-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
|
|
-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
|
|
lacteal fluid.
|
|
-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
|
|
-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
|
|
canine with innovative maneuvers.
|
|
-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
|
|
-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
|
|
galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
|
|
%
|
|
... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
|
|
procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
|
|
to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
|
|
sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
|
|
documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
|
|
listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
|
|
documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
|
|
under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
|
|
effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
|
|
scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
|
|
in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
|
|
thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
|
|
then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
|
|
dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
|
|
%
|
|
***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
|
|
|
|
It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
|
|
in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
|
|
sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
|
|
we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
|
|
"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
|
|
wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
|
|
IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
|
|
about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
|
|
forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
|
|
rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
|
|
succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
|
|
in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
|
|
underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
|
|
of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
|
|
IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
|
|
discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
|
|
%
|
|
-- THE BATES MOTEL --
|
|
... convenient
|
|
... clean
|
|
... cozy
|
|
|
|
Norman, knock loudly,
|
|
I'm in the shower.
|
|
|
|
M.
|
|
%
|
|
-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
|
|
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
|
|
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
|
|
materials, there is conflagration.
|
|
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
|
|
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
|
|
the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
|
|
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
|
|
optimal cachinnation.
|
|
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
|
|
%
|
|
... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
|
|
have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
|
|
or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
|
|
layers that are going to be agreed upon.
|
|
-- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
|
|
%
|
|
... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
|
|
thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
|
|
biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
|
|
cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
|
|
|
|
I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
|
|
%
|
|
... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
|
|
million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
|
|
-- The Firesign Theater
|
|
%
|
|
... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
|
|
from beginning to end.
|
|
-- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
|
|
%
|
|
U X
|
|
e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
|
|
%
|
|
* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
|
|
%
|
|
VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
|
|
entrances; others cannot.
|
|
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
|
|
it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
|
|
trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
|
|
space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
|
|
follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
|
|
of science.
|
|
VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
|
|
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
|
|
might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
|
|
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
|
|
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
|
|
elongate, snap back, or solidify.
|
|
IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
|
|
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
|
|
the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
|
|
watching it happen to a duck instead.
|
|
X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
|
|
Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
|
|
-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
|
|
%
|
|
<< WAIT >>
|
|
%
|
|
... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
|
|
observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
|
|
years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
|
|
descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
|
|
do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
|
|
flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
|
|
things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
|
|
established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
|
|
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
|
|
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
|
|
into doubt.
|
|
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
|
|
The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
|
|
%
|
|
... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
|
|
has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
|
|
-- Fred Brooks
|
|
%
|
|
... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
|
|
Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
|
|
piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
|
|
wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
|
|
right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
|
|
poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
|
|
hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
|
|
to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
|
|
anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
|
|
After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
|
|
barely able to walk.
|
|
"Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
|
|
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
|
|
Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
|
|
"The good news first!"
|
|
"All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
|
|
"And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
|
|
The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
|
|
the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
|
|
his life."
|
|
%
|
|
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
|
|
%
|
|
1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
|
|
2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
|
|
3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
|
|
|
|
QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
|
|
-- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
|
|
%
|
|
(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
|
|
furniture, shelves, and showcases.
|
|
(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
|
|
Wash the windows once a week.
|
|
(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
|
|
coal for the day's business.
|
|
(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
|
|
individual taste.
|
|
(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
|
|
on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
|
|
employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
|
|
church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
|
|
-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
|
|
Works, 1872
|
|
%
|
|
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
|
|
%
|
|
1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
|
|
2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
|
|
3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
|
|
4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
|
|
5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
|
|
6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
|
|
7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
|
|
8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
|
|
9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
|
|
10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
|
|
-- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
|
|
%
|
|
[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
|
|
[2] Great generals are forewarned.
|
|
[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
|
|
[4] Four is an even number.
|
|
[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
|
|
[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
|
|
Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
|
|
%
|
|
[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
|
|
[2] Great generals are forewarned.
|
|
[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
|
|
[4] Four is an even number.
|
|
[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
|
|
[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
|
|
Therefore, all horses are black.
|
|
%
|
|
1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
|
|
2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
|
|
3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
|
|
4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
|
|
the social ramble ain't restful.
|
|
5. Avoid running at all times.
|
|
6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
|
|
-- S. Paige, c. 1951
|
|
%
|
|
1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
|
|
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
|
|
2 pints = 1 Cavort
|
|
Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
|
|
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
|
|
6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
|
|
3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
|
|
1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
|
|
1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
|
|
1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
|
|
1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
|
|
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
|
|
2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
|
|
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
|
|
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
|
|
8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
|
|
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
|
|
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
|
|
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
|
|
to 1 meter per second
|
|
One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
|
|
10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
|
|
1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
|
|
1 Word = 1 Millipicture
|
|
1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
|
|
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
|
|
10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
|
|
10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
|
|
The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
|
|
%
|
|
1 bulls, 3 cows.
|
|
%
|
|
1) Everything depends.
|
|
2) Nothing is always.
|
|
3) Everything is sometimes.
|
|
%
|
|
1) Never draw what you can copy.
|
|
2) Never copy what you can trace.
|
|
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
|
|
%
|
|
1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
|
|
you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
|
|
3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
|
|
-- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
|
|
%
|
|
1: No code table for op: ++post
|
|
%
|
|
1) X=Y ; Given
|
|
2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
|
|
3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
|
|
4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
|
|
5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
|
|
6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
|
|
7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
|
|
-- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
|
|
%
|
|
10. Not everybody looks good naked.
|
|
9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
|
|
8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
|
|
7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
|
|
6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
|
|
5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
|
|
4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
|
|
3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
|
|
2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
|
|
1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
|
|
future generations.
|
|
-- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
|
|
%
|
|
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
|
|
|
|
1. A beer won't make you go to church.
|
|
2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
|
|
3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
|
|
4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
|
|
other beers on the side.
|
|
5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
|
|
"doberperson".
|
|
6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
|
|
folk music on yer fave radio station.
|
|
7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
|
|
8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
|
|
toilet seat up.
|
|
9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
|
|
enormous can of vegetable juice.
|
|
10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
|
|
%
|
|
100 buckets of bits on the bus
|
|
100 buckets of bits
|
|
Take one down, short it to ground
|
|
FF buckets of bits on the bus
|
|
|
|
FF buckets of bits on the bus
|
|
FF buckets of bits
|
|
Take one down, short it to ground
|
|
FE buckets of bits on the bus...
|
|
|
|
ad infinitum...
|
|
%
|
|
$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
|
|
increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
|
|
%
|
|
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
|
|
%
|
|
1/2 oz. gin
|
|
1/2 oz. vodka
|
|
1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
|
|
3/4 oz. tequila
|
|
1/2 oz. triple sec
|
|
1/2 oz. orange juice
|
|
3/4 oz. sour mix
|
|
1/2 oz. cola
|
|
shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
|
|
Long Island Iced Tea
|
|
%
|
|
13. ... r-q1
|
|
%
|
|
17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
|
|
|
|
------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
|
|
--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
|
|
------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
|
|
---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
|
|
---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
|
|
--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
|
|
|
|
Nine in the second place means:
|
|
The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
|
|
|
|
Six in the third place means:
|
|
In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
|
|
Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
|
|
%
|
|
17th Rule of Friendship:
|
|
|
|
A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
|
|
of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
|
|
noncancellable.
|
|
-- Esquire, May 1977
|
|
%
|
|
186,000 miles per second:
|
|
It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
|
|
%
|
|
1893 The ideal brain tonic
|
|
1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
|
|
soda fountains
|
|
1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
|
|
1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
|
|
1906 The drink of QUALITY
|
|
1907 Good to the last drop
|
|
1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
|
|
1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
|
|
1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
|
|
1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
|
|
1919 It satisfies thirst
|
|
1919 The taste is the test
|
|
1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
|
|
1922 Thirst knows no season
|
|
1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
|
|
-- Coca-Cola slogans
|
|
%
|
|
1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
|
|
1929 The high sign of refreshment
|
|
1929 The pause that refreshes
|
|
1930 It had to be good to get where it is
|
|
1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
|
|
1935 The pause that brings friends together
|
|
1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
|
|
1938 The best friend thirst ever had
|
|
1939 Thirst stops here
|
|
1942 It's the real thing
|
|
1947 Have a Coke
|
|
1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
|
|
1963 Things go better with Coke
|
|
1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
|
|
1979 Have a Coke and a smile
|
|
1982 Coke is it!
|
|
-- Coca-Cola slogans
|
|
%
|
|
1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
|
|
|
|
2nd graffitiest: Why?
|
|
%
|
|
$3,000,000.
|
|
%
|
|
355/113 --
|
|
Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
|
|
%
|
|
3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
|
|
and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
|
|
that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
|
|
adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
|
|
tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
|
|
|
|
[And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
3rd Law of Computing:
|
|
Anything that can go wr
|
|
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
|
|
%
|
|
40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
|
|
%
|
|
4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
|
|
|
|
You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
|
|
575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
|
|
tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
|
|
575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
|
|
Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
|
|
130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
|
|
has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
|
|
Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
|
|
-- /etc/motd, cbosgd
|
|
%
|
|
(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
|
|
purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
|
|
(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
|
|
office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
|
|
and other good books.
|
|
(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
|
|
sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
|
|
so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
|
|
(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
|
|
in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
|
|
shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
|
|
his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
|
|
(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
|
|
without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
|
|
five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
|
|
business permit it.
|
|
-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
|
|
Works, 1872
|
|
%
|
|
6 oz. orange juice
|
|
1 oz. vodka
|
|
1/2 oz. Galliano
|
|
Harvey Wallbangers
|
|
%
|
|
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
|
|
The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
|
|
Redwood Forest.
|
|
|
|
7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
|
|
The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
|
|
Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
|
|
%
|
|
90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
|
|
The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
|
|
%
|
|
94% of the women in America are beautiful
|
|
and the rest hang out around here.
|
|
%
|
|
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
|
|
99 blocks of crud!
|
|
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
|
|
100 blocks of crud on the disk!
|
|
|
|
100 blocks of crud on the disk,
|
|
100 blocks of crud!
|
|
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
|
|
101 blocks of crud on the disk!
|
|
%
|
|
A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
|
|
-- B. Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
|
|
at one end and no responsibility at the other.
|
|
%
|
|
A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
|
|
%
|
|
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
|
|
who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
|
|
-- Don Quinn
|
|
%
|
|
A bachelor is an unaltared male.
|
|
%
|
|
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
|
|
and a boy for ever.
|
|
-- Helen Rowland
|
|
%
|
|
A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
|
|
the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
|
|
%
|
|
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
|
|
ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
|
|
-- Robert Frost
|
|
%
|
|
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
|
|
sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
|
|
-- Kipling
|
|
%
|
|
A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
|
|
-- Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
A beer delayed is a beer denied.
|
|
%
|
|
A beginning is the time for taking the
|
|
most delicate care that balances are correct.
|
|
-- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
|
|
%
|
|
A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
|
|
-- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
|
|
%
|
|
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
|
|
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
|
|
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
|
|
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
|
|
%
|
|
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
|
|
a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
|
|
jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
|
|
|
|
The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
|
|
Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
|
|
The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
|
|
there's one white zebra."
|
|
The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
|
|
white on one side."
|
|
The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
|
|
%
|
|
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
|
|
-- Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
|
|
%
|
|
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
|
|
%
|
|
A bit of talcum
|
|
Is always walcum
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
A black cat crossing your path signifies
|
|
that the animal is going somewhere.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
|
|
best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
|
|
serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
|
|
schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
|
|
work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
|
|
not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
|
|
elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
|
|
stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
|
|
supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
|
|
professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
|
|
academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
|
|
and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
|
|
resource centers along the roads.
|
|
-- The Underground Grammarian
|
|
%
|
|
A bore is a man who talks so much about
|
|
himself that you can't talk about yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
A bore is someone who persists in holding his
|
|
own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
|
|
%
|
|
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
|
|
%
|
|
A box without hinges, key, or lid,
|
|
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
|
|
-- J.R. Tolkien
|
|
%
|
|
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
|
|
of turning around three times before lying down.
|
|
-- Robert Benchley
|
|
%
|
|
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
|
|
-- John Steinbeck
|
|
%
|
|
A budget is just a method of worrying
|
|
before you spend money, as well as afterward.
|
|
%
|
|
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
|
|
%
|
|
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
|
|
%
|
|
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
|
|
hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
|
|
drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
|
|
found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
|
|
got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
|
|
experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
|
|
He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
|
|
got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
|
|
friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
|
|
The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
|
|
pole in a complex plane."
|
|
%
|
|
A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
|
|
The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
|
|
Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
|
|
And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
|
|
-- Robert W. Service
|
|
%
|
|
A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
|
|
is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
|
|
%
|
|
A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
|
|
-- Paul Valery
|
|
%
|
|
"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
|
|
and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
|
|
%
|
|
A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
|
|
to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
|
|
and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
|
|
examine him about his recent diet.
|
|
"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
|
|
the problem?"
|
|
The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
|
|
Tell me a bit about this missionary."
|
|
"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
|
|
walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
|
|
him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
|
|
"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
|
|
the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
|
|
%
|
|
A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
|
|
%
|
|
A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
|
|
on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
|
|
and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
|
|
with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
|
|
until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
|
|
and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
|
|
spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
|
|
%
|
|
A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
|
|
does not prove anything.
|
|
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
|
|
%
|
|
A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
|
|
Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
|
|
%
|
|
A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
|
|
had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
|
|
various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
|
|
invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
|
|
and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
|
|
asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
|
|
between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
|
|
string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
|
|
was enlightened.
|
|
|
|
From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
|
|
string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
|
|
who passed it on to theirs.
|
|
%
|
|
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
|
|
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
|
|
evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
|
|
the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
|
|
the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
|
|
much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
|
|
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
|
|
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
|
|
after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
|
|
to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
|
|
silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
|
|
go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
|
|
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
|
|
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
|
|
%
|
|
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
|
|
a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
|
|
with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
|
|
in as Mr. and Mrs.
|
|
After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
|
|
desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
|
|
a bill for $2500.
|
|
"There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
|
|
only three days."
|
|
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
|
|
and a half."
|
|
%
|
|
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
|
|
%
|
|
A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
|
|
coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
|
|
to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
|
|
Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
|
|
-- Thomas Ybarra
|
|
%
|
|
A chronic disposition to inquiry
|
|
deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
|
|
%
|
|
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
|
|
will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
|
|
%
|
|
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
|
|
won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
|
|
-- Bill Vaughan
|
|
%
|
|
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
|
|
-- Herbert Prochnow
|
|
%
|
|
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
|
|
%
|
|
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
|
|
and nobody wants to read.
|
|
-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
|
|
%
|
|
A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
|
|
%
|
|
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
|
|
%
|
|
A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
|
|
a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
|
|
sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
|
|
know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
|
|
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
|
|
%
|
|
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
|
|
|
|
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
|
|
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
|
|
valuable scientific objectivity.
|
|
|
|
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
|
|
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
|
|
gentleness and reassurance he can get.
|
|
|
|
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
|
|
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
|
|
%
|
|
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
|
|
|
|
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
|
|
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
|
|
the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
|
|
disability you may have experienced.
|
|
|
|
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
|
|
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
|
|
explained in terms that you would understand.
|
|
|
|
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
|
|
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
|
|
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
|
|
%
|
|
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
|
|
|
|
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
|
|
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
|
|
to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
|
|
|
|
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
|
|
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
|
|
|
|
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
|
|
OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
|
|
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
|
|
sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
|
|
|
|
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
|
|
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
|
|
%
|
|
A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
|
|
as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
|
|
dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
|
|
-- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
|
|
%
|
|
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
|
|
-- Milton Berle
|
|
%
|
|
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
|
|
%
|
|
A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
|
|
scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
|
|
-- Parkinson
|
|
%
|
|
A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
|
|
-- R. Stallman
|
|
%
|
|
A company is known by the men it keeps.
|
|
%
|
|
A complex system that works is invariably
|
|
found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
|
|
%
|
|
A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
|
|
-- Victor Hugo
|
|
%
|
|
[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
|
|
-- Joseph Campbell
|
|
%
|
|
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
|
|
with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
|
|
-- Mitch Ratcliffe
|
|
%
|
|
A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
|
|
the president one of the latest talking computers.
|
|
Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
|
|
and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
|
|
speed of light?"
|
|
Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
|
|
Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
|
|
Computer: George Washington.
|
|
President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
|
|
Where is my father?"
|
|
Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
|
|
President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
|
|
years ago!"
|
|
Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
|
|
landed a twelve pound bass.
|
|
%
|
|
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
|
|
%
|
|
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
|
|
cake without ketchup and mustard.
|
|
%
|
|
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
|
|
%
|
|
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
|
|
do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
|
|
-- Fred Allen
|
|
%
|
|
A CONS is an object which cares.
|
|
-- Bernie Greenberg.
|
|
%
|
|
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
|
|
-- Elbert Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
A conservative is a man
|
|
who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
|
|
-- Alfred E. Wiggam
|
|
%
|
|
A conservative is a man
|
|
with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
|
|
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
|
|
%
|
|
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
|
|
%
|
|
A couch is as good as a chair.
|
|
%
|
|
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
|
|
-- B. Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
|
|
beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
|
|
one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
|
|
like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
|
|
Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
|
|
his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
|
|
Game Warden finally caught up to him.
|
|
"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
|
|
man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
|
|
license.
|
|
"Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
|
|
as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
|
|
"Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
|
|
there, he don't have one!"
|
|
%
|
|
A cousin of mine once said about money,
|
|
money is always there but the pockets change;
|
|
it is not in the same pockets after a change,
|
|
and that is all there is to say about money.
|
|
-- Gertrude Stein
|
|
%
|
|
A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
|
|
in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
|
|
each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
|
|
and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
|
|
the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
|
|
At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
|
|
well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
|
|
houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
|
|
fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
|
|
of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
|
|
complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
|
|
ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
|
|
this central section.
|
|
Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
|
|
colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
|
|
brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
|
|
hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
|
|
%
|
|
A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
|
|
-- Whitney Balliett
|
|
%
|
|
A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
|
|
qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
|
|
in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
|
|
%
|
|
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
|
|
-- Edgar A. Shoaff
|
|
%
|
|
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
|
|
%
|
|
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
|
|
%
|
|
A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
|
|
%
|
|
A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
|
|
%
|
|
A day without sunshine is like night.
|
|
%
|
|
A dead man cannot bite.
|
|
-- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
|
|
%
|
|
A debugged program is one for which you have
|
|
not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
|
|
-- Jerry Ogdin
|
|
%
|
|
A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
|
|
Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
|
|
their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
|
|
society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
|
|
domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
|
|
is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
|
|
-- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
|
|
%
|
|
A Difficulty for Every Solution.
|
|
-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
|
|
%
|
|
A diplomat is a man who can convince his
|
|
wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
|
|
%
|
|
A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
|
|
go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
|
|
-- Samuel Clemens
|
|
%
|
|
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
|
|
in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
|
|
-- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
|
|
%
|
|
A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
|
|
-- Robert Frost
|
|
%
|
|
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
|
|
your birthday when you never look any older?"
|
|
%
|
|
A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
|
|
-- Adlai Stevenson
|
|
%
|
|
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
|
|
inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
|
|
of her life?"
|
|
She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
|
|
the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
|
|
condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
|
|
%
|
|
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
|
|
%
|
|
A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
|
|
some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
|
|
that you only have six weeks to live."
|
|
"Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
|
|
that?"
|
|
"Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
|
|
last Monday."
|
|
%
|
|
A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
|
|
waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
|
|
lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
|
|
courtesy," he explained.
|
|
%
|
|
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
|
|
what he meant.
|
|
-- Wilson Mizner
|
|
%
|
|
A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
|
|
-- Stanislaw Lem
|
|
%
|
|
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
|
|
a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
|
|
a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
|
|
an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
|
|
%
|
|
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
|
|
-- Klipstein
|
|
%
|
|
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
|
|
%
|
|
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
|
|
should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
|
|
she deserved.
|
|
-- R.A. Heinlein
|
|
%
|
|
A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
|
|
1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
|
|
the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
|
|
"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
|
|
cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
|
|
the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
|
|
with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
|
|
%
|
|
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
|
|
%
|
|
A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
|
|
m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
|
|
alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
|
|
running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
|
|
m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
|
|
takes off and disappears into the distance.
|
|
The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
|
|
the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
|
|
sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
|
|
"Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
|
|
me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
|
|
dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
|
|
So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
|
|
have a drumstick."
|
|
"How do they taste?" said the farmer.
|
|
"Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
|
|
one yet."
|
|
%
|
|
A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
|
|
He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
|
|
to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
|
|
should be masculine or feminine.
|
|
After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
|
|
Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice.
|
|
"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
|
|
them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
|
|
went on their way rather quickly.
|
|
He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
|
|
belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
|
|
The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
|
|
asked.
|
|
"Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
|
|
masculine."
|
|
"Unhhh... Well, why not?"
|
|
"Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
|
|
it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
|
|
go!'"
|
|
|
|
[No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
|
|
martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
|
|
%
|
|
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
|
|
%
|
|
A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
|
|
rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
|
|
down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
|
|
on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
|
|
station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
|
|
drowned in the lake!"
|
|
"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
|
|
more chain than he can swim with?"
|
|
%
|
|
A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
|
|
A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
|
|
And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
|
|
A baby-sitter I've never yet
|
|
Baby-sits -- Had letters let
|
|
But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
|
|
|
|
A batter bats
|
|
(Or scatters scats);
|
|
A potting shed's for potting;
|
|
But no one's found
|
|
A bounder bound
|
|
Or caught an otter otting.
|
|
-- Ralph Lewin
|
|
%
|
|
A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
|
|
waiting for a taxi.
|
|
"Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
|
|
"How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
|
|
%
|
|
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
|
|
%
|
|
A fool and his money are soon popular.
|
|
%
|
|
A fool and your money are soon partners.
|
|
%
|
|
A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
|
|
A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
|
|
%
|
|
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
|
|
%
|
|
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
|
|
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
|
|
%
|
|
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
|
|
superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
|
|
-- D. Gries
|
|
%
|
|
A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
|
|
%
|
|
A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
|
|
-- Ruth Weston
|
|
%
|
|
A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
|
|
-- Robert Benchley
|
|
%
|
|
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
|
|
%
|
|
A friend is a present you give yourself.
|
|
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
|
|
%
|
|
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
|
|
You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
|
|
lawyers more than he hates his wife.
|
|
%
|
|
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
|
|
%
|
|
A full belly makes a dull brain.
|
|
-- Ben Franklin
|
|
|
|
[and the local candy machine man. Ed]
|
|
%
|
|
A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
|
|
people's demands.
|
|
%
|
|
A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
|
|
%
|
|
A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
|
|
His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
|
|
%
|
|
A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
|
|
that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
|
|
assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
|
|
They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
|
|
each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
|
|
the engineer:
|
|
|
|
Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
|
|
Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
|
|
blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
|
|
electrical shock to the horse.
|
|
G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
|
|
Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
|
|
into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
|
|
cannot be detected in post-race tests.
|
|
G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
|
|
I decide what to do. Physicist?
|
|
|
|
Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
|
|
%
|
|
A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
|
|
-- Evan Esar
|
|
[ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
|
|
-- Fred Allen
|
|
%
|
|
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
|
|
%
|
|
A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and
|
|
a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But
|
|
when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!*
|
|
%
|
|
A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
|
|
A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
|
|
But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*.
|
|
-- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
|
|
%
|
|
A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
|
|
-- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
|
|
%
|
|
A girl's best friend is her mutter.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
|
|
it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
|
|
%
|
|
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
|
|
a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
|
|
%
|
|
A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
|
|
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
|
|
The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
|
|
had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
|
|
firm tuft of grass.
|
|
-- Donald A. Metz
|
|
%
|
|
A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
|
|
the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
|
|
rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
|
|
the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
|
|
penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
|
|
uncontrollable physical phenomena.
|
|
-- Donald A. Metz
|
|
%
|
|
A good man always knows his limitations.
|
|
-- Harry Callahan
|
|
%
|
|
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
|
|
-- Michel de Montaigne
|
|
%
|
|
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
|
|
%
|
|
A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
|
|
all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
|
|
-- J. Hawes
|
|
%
|
|
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
|
|
-- Patton
|
|
%
|
|
A good reputation is more valuable than money.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
|
|
%
|
|
A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
|
|
%
|
|
A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
|
|
call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
|
|
"That's dynamite, baby."
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
|
|
you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
|
|
you about yourself.
|
|
-- Lisa Kirk
|
|
%
|
|
A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
|
|
the table after you eat.
|
|
%
|
|
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
|
|
-- James Beard
|
|
%
|
|
A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
|
|
to take it all away.
|
|
-- Barry Goldwater
|
|
%
|
|
A grammarian's life is always intense.
|
|
%
|
|
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
|
|
-- B. Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
A great many people think they are thinking
|
|
when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
|
|
-- William James
|
|
%
|
|
A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
|
|
green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
|
|
grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
|
|
indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
|
|
bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
|
|
with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
|
|
of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
|
|
upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
|
|
store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
|
|
of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
|
|
properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
|
|
anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
|
|
geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
|
|
-- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
|
|
%
|
|
A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
|
|
are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
|
|
not going to church on Sunday.
|
|
-- Russell Baker
|
|
%
|
|
A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
|
|
-- Carolyn Wells
|
|
%
|
|
A guy has to get fresh once in a while
|
|
so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
|
|
%
|
|
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
|
|
%
|
|
A halted retreat
|
|
Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
|
|
To retain people as men -- and maidservants
|
|
Brings good fortune.
|
|
%
|
|
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
|
|
%
|
|
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
|
|
%
|
|
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
|
|
%
|
|
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
|
|
weight in other people's patience.
|
|
-- John Updike
|
|
%
|
|
A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
|
|
|
|
If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
|
|
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
|
|
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
|
|
you use?
|
|
|
|
-- Paul Harvey
|
|
%
|
|
A Hen Brooding Kittens
|
|
A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
|
|
a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
|
|
kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
|
|
says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
|
|
she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
|
|
felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
|
|
her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
|
|
-- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
|
|
%
|
|
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
|
|
%
|
|
A holding company is a thing where you hand
|
|
an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
|
|
%
|
|
A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
|
|
"Hello?" his friend answers.
|
|
"Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
|
|
"Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
|
|
for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
|
|
studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
|
|
series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
|
|
I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
|
|
"Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
|
|
%
|
|
A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
|
|
%
|
|
"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
|
|
The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you
|
|
talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.'
|
|
-- So I hit him."
|
|
-- attributed to Ray Bradbury
|
|
%
|
|
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
|
|
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
%
|
|
A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
|
|
%
|
|
A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
|
|
Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
|
|
-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
|
|
%
|
|
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
|
|
-- Helen Rowland
|
|
%
|
|
A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
|
|
-- Don Marquis
|
|
%
|
|
A hypothetical paradox:
|
|
What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
|
|
who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
|
|
Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
|
|
-- Tom Galloway
|
|
%
|
|
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
|
|
C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
|
|
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
|
|
G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
|
|
I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
|
|
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
|
|
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
|
|
O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
|
|
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
|
|
S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
|
|
U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
|
|
W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
|
|
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
|
|
-- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
|
|
%
|
|
A is for Apple.
|
|
-- Hester Pryne
|
|
%
|
|
A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
|
|
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
|
|
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
|
|
D is for dd, the command that does all.
|
|
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
|
|
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
|
|
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
|
|
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
|
|
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
|
|
J is for join, which nobody uses.
|
|
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
|
|
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
|
|
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
|
|
N is for nice, which it really is not.
|
|
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
|
|
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
|
|
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
|
|
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
|
|
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
|
|
T is for true, which does very little.
|
|
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
|
|
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
|
|
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
|
|
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
|
|
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
|
|
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
|
|
-- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
|
|
%
|
|
A joint is just tea for two.
|
|
%
|
|
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
|
|
%
|
|
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
|
|
Earthen vessels
|
|
Simply handed in through the window.
|
|
There is certainly no blame in this.
|
|
%
|
|
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
|
|
-- Robert Frost
|
|
%
|
|
A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
|
|
good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
|
|
%
|
|
A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
|
|
%
|
|
A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
|
|
-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
|
|
%
|
|
A king's castle is his home.
|
|
%
|
|
A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
|
|
for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
|
|
words are superfluous.
|
|
%
|
|
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
|
|
%
|
|
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
|
|
-- Lillian Day
|
|
%
|
|
A lady with one of her ears applied
|
|
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
|
|
Two female gossips in converse free --
|
|
The subject engaging them was she.
|
|
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
|
|
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
|
|
As soon as no more of it she could hear
|
|
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
|
|
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
|
|
"To hear my character lied about!"
|
|
-- Gopete Sherany
|
|
%
|
|
A language that doesn't affect the way you
|
|
think about programming is not worth knowing.
|
|
%
|
|
A language that doesn't have everything is
|
|
actually easier to program in than some that do.
|
|
-- D.M. Ritchie
|
|
%
|
|
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
|
|
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
|
|
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
|
|
line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
|
|
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
|
|
The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
|
|
there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
|
|
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
|
|
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
|
|
"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
|
|
this here corn liquor?"
|
|
"Got one right here," replied the guard.
|
|
The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
|
|
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
|
|
"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
|
|
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
|
|
The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
|
|
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
|
|
smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
|
|
want killed?"
|
|
%
|
|
A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
|
|
That is, they work by being declared to work.
|
|
-- Anatol Holt
|
|
%
|
|
A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
|
|
Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
|
|
him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
|
|
quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
|
|
above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
|
|
"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
|
|
where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
|
|
So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
|
|
flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
|
|
"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
|
|
silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
|
|
to the flypaper with all the other flies.
|
|
|
|
Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
|
|
-- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
|
|
%
|
|
A Law of Computer Programming:
|
|
Make it possible for programmers to write in English
|
|
and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
|
|
%
|
|
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
|
|
-- Robert Frost
|
|
%
|
|
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
|
|
-- Willis Player
|
|
%
|
|
A liberal is someone too poor to be a
|
|
capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
|
|
%
|
|
A lie in time saves nine.
|
|
%
|
|
A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
|
|
trouble.
|
|
-- Adlai Stevenson
|
|
%
|
|
A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
|
|
%
|
|
A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
|
|
%
|
|
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
|
|
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
%
|
|
A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
|
|
-- Aristotle
|
|
%
|
|
A LISP programmer knows the value of
|
|
everything, but the cost of nothing.
|
|
-- Alan Perlis
|
|
%
|
|
A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
|
|
-- Don Knuth
|
|
%
|
|
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
|
|
%
|
|
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
|
|
-- C.E. Ayres
|
|
%
|
|
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
|
|
-- H.H. Munro, "Saki"
|
|
%
|
|
A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
|
|
right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
|
|
know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
|
|
little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
|
|
then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
|
|
%
|
|
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
|
|
have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
|
|
those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
|
|
the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
|
|
APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
|
|
with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
|
|
-- Fred Brooks
|
|
%
|
|
A little word of doubtful number,
|
|
A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
|
|
If you add an "s" to this,
|
|
Great is the metamorphosis.
|
|
Plural is plural now no more,
|
|
And sweet what bitter was before.
|
|
What am I?
|
|
%
|
|
A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
|
|
%
|
|
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
|
|
%
|
|
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
|
|
Buy the negatives at any price.
|
|
%
|
|
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
|
|
%
|
|
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
|
|
-- Steve Wright
|
|
%
|
|
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
|
|
and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
|
|
-- Lew Col
|
|
%
|
|
A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
|
|
-- Thomas Hardy
|
|
%
|
|
A major, with wonderful force,
|
|
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
|
|
All the flowers looked round,
|
|
But no horse could be found;
|
|
So he just rhododendron, of course.
|
|
%
|
|
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
|
|
-- Carrie Snow
|
|
%
|
|
A man always needs to remember one thing about
|
|
a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
|
|
%
|
|
A man always remembers his first love with special
|
|
tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
|
|
-- Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
|
|
who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
|
|
lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
|
|
you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
|
|
her again. Okay?"
|
|
"Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
|
|
on the side to make it interesting?"
|
|
%
|
|
A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
|
|
that it's cheating.
|
|
-- Yves Montand
|
|
%
|
|
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
|
|
or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
|
|
-- Joan Rivers
|
|
%
|
|
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
|
|
-- Du Bois
|
|
%
|
|
A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
|
|
By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
|
|
was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
|
|
"Is anybody there?"
|
|
A deep majestic voice answered,
|
|
"Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
|
|
"Help me!!" cried the man.
|
|
"I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
|
|
you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
|
|
The man thought for a moment and cried out:
|
|
"Anybody ELSE up there?"
|
|
%
|
|
A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
|
|
in the road.
|
|
-- Alexander Smith
|
|
%
|
|
A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
|
|
next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
|
|
Polish."
|
|
He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
|
|
Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
|
|
"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
|
|
with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
|
|
the joke.
|
|
"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
|
|
"Nah," says the man.
|
|
"Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
|
|
man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
|
|
"No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
|
|
five times."
|
|
%
|
|
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
|
|
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
|
|
%
|
|
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
|
|
-- Brendan Francis
|
|
%
|
|
A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
|
|
man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
|
|
whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
|
|
water..."
|
|
"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
|
|
with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
|
|
"Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
|
|
"They're only four dollars apiece."
|
|
"I need *water*."
|
|
"Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
|
|
"Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
|
|
"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
|
|
and he heads off into the distance.
|
|
The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
|
|
Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
|
|
sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
|
|
staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
|
|
"Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
|
|
"I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
|
|
%
|
|
A man is known by the company he organizes.
|
|
-- A. Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
|
|
He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
|
|
-- Richard Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
|
|
longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
|
|
followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
|
|
other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
|
|
no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
|
|
"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
|
|
but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
|
|
the funeral for?"
|
|
"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
|
|
in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
|
|
attacked and killed her."
|
|
"That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
|
|
don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
|
|
"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
|
|
%
|
|
A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
|
|
antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
|
|
from around here, are you?"
|
|
"No," replies the man with the antennae.
|
|
"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
|
|
either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
|
|
"Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
|
|
"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
|
|
there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
|
|
"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
|
|
"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
|
|
big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
|
|
Martians have that?"
|
|
"Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
|
|
%
|
|
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
|
|
bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
|
|
-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
|
|
%
|
|
A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
|
|
but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
|
|
%
|
|
A man may well bring a horse to the water,
|
|
but he cannot make him drink with he will.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
A man of genius makes no mistakes.
|
|
His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
|
|
-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
|
|
%
|
|
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
|
|
%
|
|
A man said to the Universe:
|
|
"Sir, I exist!"
|
|
"However," replied the Universe,
|
|
"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
|
|
-- Stephen Crane
|
|
%
|
|
A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
|
|
some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
|
|
he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
|
|
might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
|
|
her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
|
|
her aid.
|
|
Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
|
|
by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
|
|
in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
|
|
"He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
|
|
"She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
|
|
just want to get my saddle back!"
|
|
%
|
|
A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
|
|
he is able to answer.
|
|
-- Ronald Colman
|
|
%
|
|
A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
|
|
late card games.
|
|
"You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
|
|
he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
|
|
into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
|
|
tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
|
|
wakes up and gives me hell."
|
|
"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
|
|
"You do?"
|
|
"Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
|
|
stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
|
|
`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
|
|
"And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
|
|
"She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
|
|
she's asleep."
|
|
%
|
|
A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
|
|
"Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
|
|
why did you Di......eeee"
|
|
The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
|
|
"Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
|
|
carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
|
|
"No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
|
|
why....eeeee did you.."
|
|
"Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
|
|
Tell, me who is buried here?"
|
|
"My wife's first husband."
|
|
%
|
|
A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
|
|
-- Soren Kierkegaard
|
|
%
|
|
A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
|
|
in no other way.
|
|
%
|
|
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
|
|
will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
|
|
%
|
|
A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
|
|
find a girl willing to listen to him.
|
|
%
|
|
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
|
|
%
|
|
A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
|
|
%
|
|
A man with one watch knows what time it is.
|
|
A man with two watches is never quite sure.
|
|
%
|
|
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
|
%
|
|
A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
|
|
%
|
|
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
|
|
%
|
|
A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
|
|
destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
|
|
turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
|
|
would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
|
|
-- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
|
|
%
|
|
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
|
|
%
|
|
A man's best friend is his dogma.
|
|
%
|
|
A man's gotta know his limitations.
|
|
-- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
|
|
%
|
|
A man's house is his castle.
|
|
-- Sir Edward Coke
|
|
%
|
|
A man's house is his hassle.
|
|
%
|
|
A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
|
|
"It is right before your eyes," said the master.
|
|
"Why do I not see it for myself?"
|
|
"Because you are thinking of yourself."
|
|
"What about you: do you see it?"
|
|
"So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
|
|
on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
|
|
"When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
|
|
"When there is neither `I' nor `You',
|
|
who is the one that wants to see it?"
|
|
%
|
|
A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
|
|
observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
|
|
they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
|
|
The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
|
|
yet save her!!"
|
|
The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
|
|
understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
|
|
from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
|
|
6 feet high."
|
|
The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
|
|
%
|
|
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
|
|
-- P. Erdos
|
|
%
|
|
A meeting is an event at which the
|
|
minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
|
|
%
|
|
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
|
|
but to protect the writer.
|
|
-- Dean Acheson
|
|
%
|
|
A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
|
|
and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
|
|
-- Leibniz
|
|
%
|
|
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
|
|
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
|
|
game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
|
|
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
|
|
along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
|
|
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
|
|
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
|
|
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
|
|
paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
|
|
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
|
|
fall over gently onto their backs.
|
|
-- Audobon Society Magazine
|
|
%
|
|
A mighty creature is the germ,
|
|
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
|
|
His customary dwelling place
|
|
Is deep within the human race.
|
|
His childish pride he often pleases
|
|
By giving people strange diseases.
|
|
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
|
|
You probably contain a germ.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
|
|
%
|
|
A modem is a baudy house.
|
|
%
|
|
A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
|
|
is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
|
|
-- Goldsmith
|
|
%
|
|
A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
|
|
many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
|
|
the police.
|
|
-- Mr. Dooley
|
|
%
|
|
A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
|
|
floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
|
|
its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
|
|
terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
|
|
Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
|
|
Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
|
|
children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
|
|
and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
|
|
proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
|
|
As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
|
|
you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
|
|
purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
|
|
language?"
|
|
%
|
|
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
|
|
and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
|
|
-- Frost
|
|
%
|
|
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
|
|
%
|
|
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
|
|
%
|
|
A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
|
|
%
|
|
A musician, an artist, an architect:
|
|
the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
|
|
-- William Blake
|
|
%
|
|
A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
|
|
-- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
|
|
%
|
|
A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
%
|
|
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
%
|
|
A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
|
|
%
|
|
A national debt, if it is not excessive,
|
|
will be to us a national blessing.
|
|
-- Alexander Hamilton
|
|
%
|
|
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
|
|
loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
|
|
the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
|
|
asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
|
|
%
|
|
A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
|
|
discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
|
|
still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
|
|
same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
|
|
3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
|
|
The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
|
|
ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
|
|
%
|
|
A new koan:
|
|
If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
|
|
If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
|
|
It is an ice cream koan.
|
|
%
|
|
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
|
|
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
|
|
now has no excuse for further procrastination.
|
|
%
|
|
A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
|
|
had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
|
|
come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
|
|
catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
|
|
the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
|
|
it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
|
|
in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
|
|
-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
|
|
%
|
|
A New Way of Taking Pills
|
|
A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
|
|
having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
|
|
small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
|
|
will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
|
|
-- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
|
|
%
|
|
A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
|
|
on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
|
|
over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
|
|
As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
|
|
from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
|
|
"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
|
|
you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
|
|
Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
|
|
"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
|
|
"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
|
|
"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
|
|
"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
|
|
Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
|
|
to his death.
|
|
"DUMB YANKEE."
|
|
%
|
|
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
|
|
by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
|
|
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
|
|
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
|
|
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
|
|
the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
|
|
"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
|
|
onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
|
|
"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
|
|
gallon or two."
|
|
%
|
|
A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
|
|
-- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
|
|
%
|
|
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
|
|
-- Yogi Berra
|
|
%
|
|
A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
|
|
passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
|
|
-- J.K. Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
|
|
-- Phyllis Schlafly
|
|
%
|
|
A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
|
|
documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
|
|
one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?"
|
|
The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
|
|
gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
|
|
crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
|
|
need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.
|
|
He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect
|
|
within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly,
|
|
he has entered the mystery of Tao."
|
|
%
|
|
A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
|
|
|
|
"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
|
|
|
|
The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
|
|
relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
|
|
before replying.
|
|
|
|
"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
|
|
|
|
With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
|
|
enlightenment, several years later.
|
|
|
|
Commentary:
|
|
|
|
His Master is kind,
|
|
Answering his FAQ quickly,
|
|
With thought and sarcasm.
|
|
%
|
|
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
|
|
%
|
|
A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
|
|
-- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
|
|
%
|
|
A Parable of Modern Research:
|
|
|
|
Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
|
|
brightly lit corner.
|
|
"Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
|
|
"I can only see here."
|
|
%
|
|
A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
|
|
-- William S. Burroughs
|
|
%
|
|
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
|
|
%
|
|
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
|
|
-- Gloria Steinem
|
|
%
|
|
A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
|
|
%
|
|
"A penny for your thoughts?"
|
|
"A dollar for your death."
|
|
-- The Odd Couple
|
|
%
|
|
A penny saved has not been spent.
|
|
%
|
|
A penny saved is a penny taxed.
|
|
%
|
|
A penny saved is ridiculous.
|
|
%
|
|
A penny saved kills your career in government.
|
|
%
|
|
A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
|
|
govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
|
|
on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
|
|
itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
|
|
manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
|
|
-- Anatole France
|
|
%
|
|
A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
|
|
who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
|
|
speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
|
|
unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
|
|
-- Thackeray
|
|
%
|
|
A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
|
|
%
|
|
A person who has both feet planted firmly
|
|
in the air can be safely called a liberal.
|
|
%
|
|
A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
|
|
A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
|
|
%
|
|
A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
|
|
schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
|
|
-- Donald Knuth
|
|
%
|
|
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
|
|
-- Elbert Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
|
|
-- George Wald
|
|
%
|
|
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
|
|
gets out and goes into the office.
|
|
"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
|
|
"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
|
|
The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
|
|
check."
|
|
Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
|
|
truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
|
|
acceptable.
|
|
"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
|
|
The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
|
|
check," he says.
|
|
He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
|
|
conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
|
|
"we're building a house".
|
|
%
|
|
A pig is a jolly companion,
|
|
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
|
|
A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
|
|
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
|
|
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
|
|
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
|
|
Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
|
|
You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
|
|
You'll never go wrong with a pig!
|
|
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
|
|
%
|
|
A pipe gives a wise man time to think
|
|
and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
|
|
%
|
|
A place for everything and everything in its place.
|
|
-- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to memory management system services.]
|
|
%
|
|
A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
|
|
-- Stanley Baldwin
|
|
%
|
|
A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
|
|
contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
|
|
edible nutriments.
|
|
%
|
|
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
|
|
%
|
|
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
|
|
%
|
|
A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
|
|
about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
|
|
money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
|
|
finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
|
|
"But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
|
|
"Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
|
|
the teller says.
|
|
"But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
|
|
"Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
|
|
to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
|
|
"And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
|
|
"Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
|
|
paycheck?"
|
|
-- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
|
|
%
|
|
A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
|
|
but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
|
|
-- Jean Paul Sartre
|
|
%
|
|
A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
|
|
-- Walt Kelly
|
|
%
|
|
A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
|
|
%
|
|
A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
|
|
Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
|
|
But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
|
|
-- K. Brecher
|
|
%
|
|
A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
|
|
last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
|
|
of yours to press against my heart.
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
|
|
%
|
|
A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
|
|
Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
|
|
%
|
|
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
|
|
|
|
And the Master answered:
|
|
It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
|
|
It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
|
|
|
|
It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
|
|
to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
|
|
have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
|
|
|
|
And that is Fate? said the priest.
|
|
|
|
Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
|
|
|
|
That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know
|
|
what Freight was too.
|
|
-- Kehlog Albran
|
|
%
|
|
A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
|
|
-- George Eliot
|
|
%
|
|
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
|
|
asks you not to kill him.
|
|
-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
|
|
%
|
|
A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
|
|
-- Miguel de Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
|
|
%
|
|
A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
|
|
being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
|
|
incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
|
|
assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
|
|
and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
|
|
dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
|
|
annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
|
|
unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
|
|
-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
|
|
%
|
|
A programming language is low level
|
|
when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
|
|
%
|
|
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
|
|
drink with -- even if he drank.
|
|
-- Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
|
|
watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
|
|
looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
|
|
tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
|
|
they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
|
|
by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
|
|
killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
|
|
could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
|
|
emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
|
|
the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
|
|
%
|
|
A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
|
|
getting more sex than you are.
|
|
-- Victor Lownes
|
|
%
|
|
A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
|
|
by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
|
|
-- Aristotle
|
|
%
|
|
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
|
|
your wife asks you for nothing.
|
|
-- Joey Adams
|
|
%
|
|
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
|
|
your wife will give you for free.
|
|
%
|
|
A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
|
|
"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
|
|
the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
|
|
to make a travesty of the game.
|
|
-- Donald A. Metz
|
|
%
|
|
A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
|
|
over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
|
|
The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
|
|
Bishop."
|
|
"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
|
|
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
|
|
might be made an Archbishop."
|
|
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
|
|
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
|
|
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
|
|
Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
|
|
be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
|
|
"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
|
|
up from being the Pope?"
|
|
"What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
|
|
The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
|
|
%
|
|
A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
|
|
blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
|
|
-- Steel City News
|
|
%
|
|
A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
|
|
entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
|
|
-- Saul Alinsky
|
|
%
|
|
A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
|
|
his neighbour notice it.
|
|
-- Trygve Lie
|
|
%
|
|
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
|
|
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
|
|
The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
|
|
the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
|
|
field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
|
|
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
|
|
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
|
|
Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
|
|
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
|
|
obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
|
|
%
|
|
A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
|
|
A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
|
|
%
|
|
A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
|
|
-- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
|
|
%
|
|
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
|
|
ticket and rejoices that the system works.
|
|
%
|
|
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
|
|
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
|
|
scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
|
|
needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
|
|
%
|
|
A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
|
|
people what to do with their money.
|
|
-- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
|
|
%
|
|
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
|
|
-- Ramsey Clark
|
|
%
|
|
A robin redbreast in a cage
|
|
Puts all Heaven in a rage.
|
|
-- Blake
|
|
%
|
|
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
|
|
man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
|
|
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
|
|
%
|
|
A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
|
|
%
|
|
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
|
|
%
|
|
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
|
|
demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
|
|
holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
|
|
Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
|
|
-- Plutarch
|
|
%
|
|
A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
|
|
weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
|
|
banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
|
|
The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
|
|
the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
|
|
is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
|
|
monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
|
|
plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
|
|
weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
|
|
the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
|
|
she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
|
|
will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
|
|
as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
|
|
was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
|
|
when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
|
|
%
|
|
A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
|
|
PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
|
|
Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
|
|
with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
|
|
joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
|
|
drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
|
|
up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
|
|
good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
|
|
true. I'm very good in beds as well."
|
|
%
|
|
A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
|
|
If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
|
|
-- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
|
|
%
|
|
A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
|
|
%
|
|
A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
|
|
Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
|
|
-- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
|
|
|
|
I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
|
|
-- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
|
|
the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
|
|
on Broadway".
|
|
%
|
|
A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
|
|
vocation?"
|
|
The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
|
|
their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
|
|
the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
|
|
such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
|
|
their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
|
|
the vocation must fit the individual.
|
|
"But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
|
|
scholar sobbed.
|
|
Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
|
|
%
|
|
A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
|
|
making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
|
|
die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
|
|
-- Max Planck
|
|
%
|
|
A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
|
|
the vexation of thinking.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
|
|
%
|
|
A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
|
|
of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
|
|
water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
|
|
of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
|
|
|
|
It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
|
|
recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
|
|
ground.
|
|
-- J.W.N. Sullivan
|
|
%
|
|
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
|
|
him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
|
|
worth committing.
|
|
-- Samuel Butler
|
|
%
|
|
A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
|
|
-- Don Marquis
|
|
%
|
|
A Severe Strain on the Credulity
|
|
As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
|
|
highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
|
|
is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
|
|
multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
|
|
for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
|
|
flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
|
|
charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
|
|
Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
|
|
know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
|
|
better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
|
|
lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
|
|
-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
|
|
%
|
|
A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
|
|
thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
|
|
problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
|
|
aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
|
|
away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
|
|
participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
|
|
will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
|
|
men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
|
|
idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
|
|
the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
|
|
submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
|
|
is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
|
|
-- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
|
|
%
|
|
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
|
|
%
|
|
A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
|
|
-- Prof. Steiner
|
|
%
|
|
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
|
|
-- Joseph Stalin
|
|
%
|
|
A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
|
|
All tenderly his messenger he chose;
|
|
Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
|
|
One perfect rose.
|
|
|
|
I knew the language of the floweret;
|
|
"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
|
|
Love long has taken for his amulet
|
|
One perfect rose.
|
|
|
|
Why is it no one ever sent me yet
|
|
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
|
|
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
|
|
One perfect rose.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
|
|
%
|
|
A sinking ship gathers no moss.
|
|
-- Donald Kaul
|
|
%
|
|
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
|
|
%
|
|
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
|
|
%
|
|
A snake lurks in the grass.
|
|
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
|
|
%
|
|
A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
|
|
African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
|
|
Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
|
|
%
|
|
A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
|
|
the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
|
|
which is on its way out.
|
|
-- L. Ron Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
|
|
-- Proverbs 15:1
|
|
%
|
|
A soft drink turneth away company.
|
|
%
|
|
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg
|
|
that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
A song in time is worth a dime.
|
|
%
|
|
A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
|
|
family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
|
|
when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
|
|
and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
|
|
"How are you?" they ask.
|
|
"Oh, I'm fine," he says.
|
|
"And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
|
|
"Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
|
|
that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
|
|
he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
|
|
dollars."
|
|
The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
|
|
Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
|
|
at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
|
|
enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
|
|
"Where's Old Blue?"
|
|
"Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
|
|
talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
|
|
well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
|
|
that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
|
|
years?'"
|
|
The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
|
|
%
|
|
A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
|
|
%
|
|
A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
|
|
-- Harry S. Truman
|
|
%
|
|
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
|
|
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
|
|
the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
|
|
Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
|
|
%
|
|
A stitch in time saves nine.
|
|
%
|
|
"...A strange enigma is man!"
|
|
"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
|
|
"Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
|
|
that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
|
|
becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
|
|
any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
|
|
will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
|
|
the statistician."
|
|
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
|
|
%
|
|
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
|
|
%
|
|
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
|
|
-- O'Henry
|
|
%
|
|
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
|
|
As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
|
|
student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
|
|
the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
|
|
the student with a stick.
|
|
%
|
|
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
|
|
%
|
|
A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
|
|
%
|
|
A successful tool is one that was used to do something
|
|
undreamed of by its author.
|
|
-- S.C. Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
|
|
thought of.
|
|
-- Burt Bacharach
|
|
%
|
|
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
|
|
-- by Charles Dickens
|
|
|
|
A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
|
|
|
|
The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
|
|
-- by Franz Kafka
|
|
|
|
A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
|
|
|
|
Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
|
|
-- by J.R.R. Tolkien
|
|
|
|
Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
|
|
|
|
Hamlet LITE(tm)
|
|
-- by Wm. Shakespeare
|
|
|
|
A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
|
|
girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
|
|
%
|
|
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
|
|
-- by Charles Dickens
|
|
|
|
A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
|
|
like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
|
|
lady who knits.
|
|
|
|
Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
|
|
-- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
|
|
|
|
A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
|
|
feels guilty and apologizes.
|
|
|
|
The Odyssey LITE(tm)
|
|
-- by Homer
|
|
|
|
After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
|
|
%
|
|
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
|
|
%
|
|
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
|
|
-- Michael Winner, British film director
|
|
%
|
|
A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
|
|
of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
|
|
*Boston*."
|
|
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
|
|
"Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
|
|
help?"
|
|
%
|
|
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
|
|
%
|
|
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything
|
|
but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
A transistor protected by a fast-acting
|
|
fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
|
|
%
|
|
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
|
|
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
|
|
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
|
|
sitting in the yard watching the pig.
|
|
"That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
|
|
"Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
|
|
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
|
|
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
|
|
"Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
|
|
"And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
|
|
the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
|
|
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
|
|
Saved my life."
|
|
"Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
|
|
three wooden legs?"
|
|
The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
|
|
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
|
|
%
|
|
A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
|
|
drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
|
|
-- Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
|
|
%
|
|
A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
|
|
%
|
|
A truth that's told with bad intent
|
|
Beats all the lies you can invent.
|
|
-- William Blake
|
|
%
|
|
A university is what a college becomes
|
|
when the faculty loses interest in students.
|
|
-- John Ciardi
|
|
%
|
|
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
|
|
than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
|
|
-- Tennessee Williams
|
|
%
|
|
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
|
|
-- Samuel Goldwyn
|
|
%
|
|
A violent man will die a violent death.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
|
|
%
|
|
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
|
|
%
|
|
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
|
|
%
|
|
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
|
|
-- Ziggy
|
|
%
|
|
A watched clock never boils.
|
|
%
|
|
A well adjusted person is one who makes
|
|
the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
|
|
%
|
|
A well-known friend is a treasure.
|
|
%
|
|
A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
|
|
A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant.
|
|
Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
|
|
Software rots if not used.
|
|
|
|
These are great mysteries.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
|
|
-- Addison
|
|
%
|
|
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
|
|
*for the rest of your life*.
|
|
-- Jim Samuels
|
|
%
|
|
A wise man can see more from a mountain top
|
|
than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
|
|
%
|
|
A wise man can see more from the bottom
|
|
of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
|
|
%
|
|
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
|
|
-- Chinese proverb
|
|
%
|
|
A witty saying proves nothing.
|
|
-- Voltaire
|
|
%
|
|
A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
|
|
let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
|
|
there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
|
|
completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
|
|
beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
|
|
It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
|
|
near your person at all times.
|
|
-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
|
|
%
|
|
A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
|
|
were quite a struggle.
|
|
-- Edna Ferber
|
|
%
|
|
A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
|
|
%
|
|
A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
|
|
To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
|
|
-- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
|
|
%
|
|
A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
|
|
-- Scott
|
|
%
|
|
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
|
|
of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
|
|
-- Jane Austen
|
|
%
|
|
A woman forgives the audacity of which
|
|
her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
|
|
-- LeSage
|
|
%
|
|
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
|
|
thankful for a good one.
|
|
-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
|
|
%
|
|
A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
|
|
she follows.
|
|
-- Chamfort
|
|
%
|
|
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
|
|
endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
|
|
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
|
|
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
|
|
-- Stendhal
|
|
%
|
|
A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
|
|
physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
|
|
when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
|
|
-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
|
|
%
|
|
A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
|
|
-- Maurine Lewis
|
|
%
|
|
A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
|
|
came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
|
|
"Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
|
|
"Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
|
|
(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
|
|
Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
|
|
one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
|
|
a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
|
|
the circumstances.
|
|
One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
|
|
phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
|
|
an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
|
|
his head!"
|
|
The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
|
|
up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
|
|
surprise for you!"
|
|
"Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
|
|
%
|
|
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
|
-- Gloria Steinem
|
|
%
|
|
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
|
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
|
|
%
|
|
A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
|
|
-- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
|
|
%
|
|
A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
|
|
%
|
|
A word to the wise is enough.
|
|
-- Miguel de Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
|
|
that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
|
|
watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
|
|
myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
|
|
and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
|
|
"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
|
|
to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
|
|
%
|
|
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
|
|
what he writes fiction.
|
|
-- William Faulkner
|
|
%
|
|
A yawn is a silent shout.
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton
|
|
%
|
|
A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
|
|
%
|
|
A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
|
|
bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
|
|
-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
|
|
%
|
|
A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
|
|
a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
|
|
have that!" she gushed.
|
|
"No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
|
|
window and grabbing the ring.
|
|
A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
|
|
I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
|
|
"No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
|
|
the coat.
|
|
Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
|
|
anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
|
|
"Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
|
|
%
|
|
A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
|
|
walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
|
|
woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
|
|
says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
|
|
allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
|
|
The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
|
|
pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
|
|
"Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
|
|
"No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
|
|
I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
|
|
The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
|
|
calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
|
|
at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
|
|
can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
|
|
"That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
|
|
of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
|
|
The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
|
|
The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
|
|
you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
|
|
"I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
|
|
terrific weekend."
|
|
%
|
|
A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
|
|
|
|
Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
|
|
suggestions as to how to get started?"
|
|
A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
|
|
some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
|
|
Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
|
|
A: "But I never asked anybody how."
|
|
%
|
|
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
|
|
%
|
|
AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
|
|
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
|
|
%
|
|
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
|
|
%
|
|
Abbott's Admonitions:
|
|
1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
|
|
2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
|
|
the question.
|
|
-- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
|
|
%
|
|
Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
|
|
on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
|
|
%
|
|
Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
|
|
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
|
|
And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
|
|
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
|
|
An angel writing in a book of gold.
|
|
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
|
|
And to the presence in the room he said,
|
|
"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
|
|
And with a look made of all sweet accord,
|
|
Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
|
|
"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
|
|
Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
|
|
But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
|
|
Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
|
|
The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
|
|
It came again with a great wakening light,
|
|
And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
|
|
And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
|
|
-- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
|
|
%
|
|
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
|
|
%
|
|
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
|
|
%
|
|
About the only thing we have left that actually
|
|
discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
|
|
%
|
|
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
|
|
-- Herbert Hoover
|
|
%
|
|
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
|
|
ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
Above all else - sky.
|
|
%
|
|
Above all things, reverence yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
|
|
%
|
|
ABSCOND:
|
|
To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
|
|
of a dying relative and miss the return train.
|
|
%
|
|
abscond, v:
|
|
To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
|
|
and miss the return train.
|
|
%
|
|
Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
|
|
great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
|
|
-- La Rochefoucauld
|
|
%
|
|
Absence in love is like water upon fire;
|
|
a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
|
|
-- Hannah More
|
|
%
|
|
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
|
|
it enkindles the great.
|
|
%
|
|
Absence makes the heart forget.
|
|
%
|
|
Absence makes the heart go wander.
|
|
%
|
|
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
|
|
-- Sextus Aurelius
|
|
%
|
|
Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
|
|
%
|
|
Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
|
|
%
|
|
ABSENT:
|
|
Exposed to the attacks of friends and
|
|
acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
|
|
%
|
|
ABSENTEE:
|
|
A person with an income who has had the forethought
|
|
to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction.
|
|
%
|
|
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
|
|
%
|
|
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
|
|
-- Stafford Beer
|
|
%
|
|
ABSTAINER:
|
|
A weak person who yields to the
|
|
temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
|
|
%
|
|
Abstract:
|
|
This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
|
|
of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
|
|
and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
|
|
men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
|
|
their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
|
|
evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
|
|
test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
|
|
performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
|
|
immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
|
|
-- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
|
|
Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
|
|
#1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
|
|
%
|
|
ABSURDITY:
|
|
A statement or belief manifestly
|
|
inconsistent with one's own opinion.
|
|
%
|
|
Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
|
|
because the stakes are so low.
|
|
-- Wallace Sayre
|
|
%
|
|
Academicians care, that's who.
|
|
%
|
|
ACADEMY:
|
|
A modern school where football is taught.
|
|
INSTITUTE:
|
|
An archaic school where football is not taught.
|
|
%
|
|
Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
|
|
%
|
|
Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
|
|
%
|
|
ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
|
|
An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
|
|
%
|
|
Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
|
|
religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic
|
|
of Western science.
|
|
-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
|
|
%
|
|
Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
|
|
religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
|
|
Western science.
|
|
-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
|
|
%
|
|
Accident:
|
|
A condition in which presence of mind is good,
|
|
but absence of body is better.
|
|
-- Foolish Dictionary
|
|
%
|
|
Accidentally Shot
|
|
Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
|
|
in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
|
|
bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
|
|
Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
|
|
-- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
|
|
%
|
|
Accidents cause History.
|
|
|
|
If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
|
|
Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
|
|
have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
|
|
could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
|
|
the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
|
|
everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
|
|
national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
|
|
smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
|
|
most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
|
|
that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
|
|
Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
|
|
parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
|
|
decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
|
|
a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
|
|
sheepish grin" comes from.
|
|
%
|
|
According to all the latest reports,
|
|
there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
|
|
%
|
|
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
|
|
shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
|
|
fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
|
|
of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
|
|
the returns."
|
|
%
|
|
According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
|
|
and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
|
|
and a void.
|
|
-- Democritus, 400 B.C.
|
|
%
|
|
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
|
|
-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
|
|
%
|
|
According to the latest official figures,
|
|
43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
|
|
%
|
|
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
|
|
America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
|
|
Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
|
|
beat up their city anytime.
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
ACCORDION:
|
|
A bagpipe with pleats.
|
|
%
|
|
ACCURACY:
|
|
The vice of being right.
|
|
%
|
|
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
|
|
%
|
|
Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
|
|
%
|
|
Acquaintance, n:
|
|
A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
|
|
enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
|
|
object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
|
|
%
|
|
Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
|
|
and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
|
|
well, I think of my sex life.
|
|
-- Glenda Jackson
|
|
%
|
|
Actor Real Name
|
|
|
|
Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
|
|
Cary Grant Archibald Leach
|
|
Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
|
|
Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
|
|
John Wayne Marion Morrison
|
|
Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
|
|
Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
|
|
Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
|
|
Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
|
|
%
|
|
Actor: So what do you do for a living?
|
|
Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
|
|
dishes for Chinese restaurants.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
|
|
%
|
|
Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
|
|
-- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely
|
|
New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
|
|
%
|
|
Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
|
|
%
|
|
Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
|
|
will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
|
|
|
|
N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
|
|
only have one floor to go to.
|
|
|
|
Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
|
|
If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
|
|
induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
|
|
and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
|
|
it is true for all N+1 floors.
|
|
QED.
|
|
%
|
|
Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
|
|
%
|
|
ADA:
|
|
Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
|
|
Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
|
|
an ADA awareness.
|
|
-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
|
|
%
|
|
ADA:
|
|
Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
|
|
Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
|
|
%
|
|
ADA, n.:
|
|
Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
|
|
Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
|
|
awareness."
|
|
%
|
|
Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
|
|
[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
|
|
-- Ovid
|
|
%
|
|
Adding features does not necessarily increase
|
|
functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
|
|
%
|
|
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
|
|
-- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
|
|
|
|
Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
|
|
close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
|
|
scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
|
|
-- George Washington, 1732-1799
|
|
%
|
|
Adding sound to movies would be like
|
|
putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
|
|
-- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
|
|
%
|
|
Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
|
|
something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
|
|
decorous age.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
Adler's Distinction:
|
|
Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
|
|
and from the bureaucrats.
|
|
%
|
|
ADMIRATION:
|
|
Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
|
|
%
|
|
ADOLESCENCE:
|
|
The stage between puberty and adultery.
|
|
%
|
|
ADORE:
|
|
To venerate expectantly.
|
|
%
|
|
ADULT:
|
|
One old enough to know better.
|
|
%
|
|
Adults die young.
|
|
%
|
|
Advancement in position.
|
|
%
|
|
Advertisements contain the only
|
|
truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
%
|
|
Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
|
|
-- George Orwell
|
|
%
|
|
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
|
|
intelligence long enough to get money from it.
|
|
%
|
|
Advertising Rule:
|
|
In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
|
|
reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
|
|
that it is curable.
|
|
%
|
|
Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
|
|
%
|
|
Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
|
|
%
|
|
African violet: Such worth is rare
|
|
Apple blossom: Preference
|
|
Bachelor's button: Celibacy
|
|
Bay leaf: I change but in death
|
|
Camelia: Reflected loveliness
|
|
Chrysanthemum, red: I love
|
|
Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
|
|
Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
|
|
Clover: Be mine
|
|
Crocus: Abuse not
|
|
Daffodil: Innocence
|
|
Forget-me-not: True love
|
|
Fuchsia: Fast
|
|
Gardenia: Secret, untold love
|
|
Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
|
|
Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
|
|
Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
|
|
Leaves (dead): Melancholy
|
|
Lilac: Youthful innocence
|
|
Lilly: Purity, sweetness
|
|
Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness
|
|
Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
|
|
* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
|
|
%
|
|
After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
|
|
comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
|
|
except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
|
|
is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
|
|
under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
|
|
permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
|
|
especially that which is prohibited.
|
|
-- Newton Minow,
|
|
Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
|
|
%
|
|
After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
|
|
It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
|
|
more advanced than the lichen family.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
|
|
%
|
|
After a while you learn the subtle difference
|
|
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
|
|
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
|
|
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
|
|
And presents aren't promises
|
|
And you begin to accept your defeats
|
|
With your head up and your eyes open,
|
|
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
|
|
And you learn to build all your roads
|
|
On today because tomorrow's ground
|
|
Is too uncertain. And futures have
|
|
A way of falling down in midflight,
|
|
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
|
|
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
|
|
For someone to bring you flowers.
|
|
And you learn that you really can endure...
|
|
That you really are strong,
|
|
And you really do have worth
|
|
And you learn and learn
|
|
With every goodbye you learn.
|
|
-- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
|
|
%
|
|
After all, all he did was string together
|
|
a lot of old, well-known quotations.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
|
|
%
|
|
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
|
|
%
|
|
After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
|
|
-- Jean Giraudoux
|
|
%
|
|
After all my erstwhile dear,
|
|
My no longer cherished,
|
|
Need we say it was not love,
|
|
Just because it perished?
|
|
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
|
|
%
|
|
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
|
|
you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
|
|
sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
|
|
-- P.J. O'Rourke
|
|
%
|
|
After an instrument has been assembled,
|
|
extra components will be found on the bench.
|
|
%
|
|
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
|
|
month than you did before.
|
|
%
|
|
After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
|
|
have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
|
|
James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
|
|
electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
|
|
is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
|
|
of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
|
|
though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
|
|
Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
|
|
medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
|
|
seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
|
|
watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
|
|
that it sinks like a stone.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
|
|
%
|
|
After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
|
|
Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
|
|
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
|
|
to be created."
|
|
"This is true," He replied.
|
|
"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
|
|
"What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
|
|
right to make his laws?"
|
|
"Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
|
|
his own."
|
|
It was so granted.
|
|
%
|
|
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
|
|
claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
|
|
in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
|
|
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
|
|
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
|
|
When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
|
|
Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
|
|
this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
|
|
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
|
|
perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
|
|
"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
|
|
Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
|
|
where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
|
|
%
|
|
After living in New York, you trust nobody,
|
|
but you believe everything. Just in case.
|
|
%
|
|
...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
|
|
Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
|
|
I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
|
|
and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
|
|
Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
|
|
did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
|
|
development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
|
|
one foot in his mouth.)
|
|
-- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
|
|
%
|
|
After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
|
|
-- Italian proverb
|
|
%
|
|
After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
|
|
by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
|
|
with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
|
|
carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
|
|
-- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
|
|
%
|
|
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
|
|
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
|
|
%
|
|
After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
|
|
throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
|
|
Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
|
|
at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
|
|
his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
|
|
with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
|
|
that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
|
|
Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
|
|
first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
|
|
single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
|
|
According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
|
|
the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
|
|
charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
|
|
-- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
|
|
|
|
Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
|
|
precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
|
|
Nobel Prize in 1923.
|
|
%
|
|
After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
|
|
the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
|
|
the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
|
|
any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
|
|
deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
|
|
|
|
The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
|
|
Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
|
|
But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
|
|
or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
|
|
burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
|
|
neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
|
|
oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
|
|
|
|
Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
|
|
straight to the point.
|
|
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
|
|
%
|
|
After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
|
|
indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
|
|
%
|
|
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
|
|
%
|
|
AFTERNOON:
|
|
That part of the day we spend worrying
|
|
about how we wasted the morning.
|
|
%
|
|
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
|
|
%
|
|
Against Idleness and Mischief
|
|
|
|
How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
|
|
Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
|
|
And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
|
|
From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
|
|
|
|
In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
|
|
I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
|
|
For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
|
|
For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
|
|
-- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
|
|
%
|
|
Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
|
|
-- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
|
|
%
|
|
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
|
|
%
|
|
Age is a tyrant who forbids,
|
|
at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
|
|
%
|
|
Agnes' Law:
|
|
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
|
|
%
|
|
Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
|
|
%
|
|
Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
|
|
Or what's a heaven for ?
|
|
-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
|
|
%
|
|
Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
|
|
"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
|
|
And I answer them most mysteriously:
|
|
"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
|
|
-- Bob Dylan
|
|
%
|
|
Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
|
|
%
|
|
Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
|
|
%
|
|
Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
|
|
%
|
|
Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
|
|
excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
|
|
%
|
|
Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
|
|
Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
|
|
Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
|
|
Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
|
|
%
|
|
Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
|
|
-- W. Clement Stone
|
|
%
|
|
Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
|
|
-- The Mad Dogtender
|
|
%
|
|
Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
|
|
bring me a message from a young man.
|
|
-- Moms Mabley
|
|
%
|
|
"Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
|
|
Kansas City."
|
|
-- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
|
|
been traded.
|
|
%
|
|
AIR:
|
|
A nutritious substance supplied by
|
|
a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Air Force Inertia Axiom:
|
|
Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
|
|
%
|
|
Air is water with holes in it.
|
|
%
|
|
Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
|
|
%
|
|
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
|
|
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
|
|
Ecole Superieure de Guerre
|
|
%
|
|
Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
|
|
-- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
|
|
%
|
|
Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
|
|
machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
|
|
as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
|
|
%
|
|
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
|
|
%
|
|
ALASKA:
|
|
A prelude to "No."
|
|
%
|
|
Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
|
|
or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
|
|
a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
|
|
Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
|
|
-- Tom Robbins
|
|
%
|
|
ALBRECHT'S LAW:
|
|
Social innovations tend to the level
|
|
of minimum tolerable well-being.
|
|
%
|
|
Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
|
|
The surest poison is time.
|
|
-- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
|
|
%
|
|
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Alden's Laws:
|
|
1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
|
|
of pregnancy.
|
|
2: Always be backlit.
|
|
3: Sit down whenever possible.
|
|
%
|
|
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
|
|
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
|
|
You take one down, and pass it around,
|
|
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
|
|
%
|
|
Alex Haley was adopted!
|
|
%
|
|
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
|
|
in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
|
|
%
|
|
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
|
|
the closest our country has ever been to being even.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
|
|
-- Philippe Schnoebelen
|
|
%
|
|
Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about.
|
|
%
|
|
Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
|
|
important programming language yet developed.
|
|
-- T. Cheatham
|
|
%
|
|
ALGORITHM:
|
|
Trendy dance for hip programmers.
|
|
%
|
|
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
|
|
%
|
|
Alimony is a system by which, when two people
|
|
make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.
|
|
-- Peggy Joyce
|
|
%
|
|
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
|
|
-- Arthur Baer
|
|
%
|
|
Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
|
|
-- Norman Mailer
|
|
%
|
|
Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
|
|
%
|
|
Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
|
|
%
|
|
Alive without breath,
|
|
As cold as death;
|
|
Never thirsty, ever drinking,
|
|
All in mail ever clinking.
|
|
%
|
|
All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
|
|
%
|
|
All art is but imitation of nature.
|
|
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
|
|
%
|
|
All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
|
|
%
|
|
All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
|
|
-- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
|
|
Catiline", by Sallust
|
|
%
|
|
All constants are variables.
|
|
%
|
|
All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
|
|
-- Chou En Lai
|
|
%
|
|
All flesh is grass.
|
|
-- Isaiah
|
|
Smoke a friend today.
|
|
%
|
|
All generalizations are false, including this one.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
|
|
barely presentable.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
|
|
%
|
|
All Gods were immortal.
|
|
-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
|
|
%
|
|
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
|
|
-- Young
|
|
%
|
|
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
|
|
%
|
|
All heiresses are beautiful.
|
|
-- John Dryden
|
|
%
|
|
All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
|
|
to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
|
|
-- Yoda
|
|
%
|
|
All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
|
|
-- Dante Alighieri
|
|
%
|
|
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
|
|
%
|
|
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
|
|
ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
|
|
-- Kingfish
|
|
%
|
|
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
|
|
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
|
|
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
|
|
-- Samuel Beckett
|
|
%
|
|
All I need to have a good time,
|
|
Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
|
|
With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
|
|
A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
|
|
|
|
All I want is to never grow old,
|
|
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
|
|
I want 97 kilos already rolled,
|
|
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
|
|
|
|
I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
|
|
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
|
|
I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
|
|
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
|
|
-- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
|
|
%
|
|
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
|
|
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
|
|
%
|
|
All intelligent species own cats.
|
|
%
|
|
All is fear in love and war.
|
|
%
|
|
All is well that ends well.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
|
|
throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
|
|
practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
|
|
Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
|
|
that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
|
|
that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
|
|
%
|
|
All kings is mostly rapscallions.
|
|
--Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
All laws are simulations of reality.
|
|
-- John C. Lilly
|
|
%
|
|
All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
|
|
-- Dawkins
|
|
%
|
|
All men have the right to wait in line.
|
|
%
|
|
All men know the utility of useful things;
|
|
but they do not know the utility of futility.
|
|
-- Chuang-tzu
|
|
%
|
|
All men profess honesty as long as they can.
|
|
To believe all men honest would be folly.
|
|
To believe none so is something worse.
|
|
-- John Quincy Adams
|
|
%
|
|
All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
|
|
a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
|
|
Definitely a dog.
|
|
%
|
|
All most people ask of life is a constant
|
|
and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
|
|
%
|
|
All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
|
|
%
|
|
All my friends and I are crazy.
|
|
That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
|
|
%
|
|
All my friends are getting married,
|
|
Yes, they're all growing old,
|
|
They're all staying home on the weekend,
|
|
They're all doing what they're told.
|
|
%
|
|
All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
|
|
-- Jane Wagner
|
|
%
|
|
ALL NEW:
|
|
Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
|
|
%
|
|
All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
|
|
the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
|
|
%
|
|
All of the animals except man know that
|
|
the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
|
|
%
|
|
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
|
|
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
|
|
rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
|
|
of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
|
|
Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
|
|
tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
|
|
"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
|
|
-- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
|
|
%
|
|
All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
|
|
parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
|
|
can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
|
|
not use a hammer.
|
|
-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
|
|
%
|
|
All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
All phone calls are obscene.
|
|
-- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
|
|
%
|
|
All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
|
|
-- Susan Sontag
|
|
%
|
|
All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
|
|
those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
|
|
of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
|
|
goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
|
|
and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
|
|
the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
|
|
the last bug."
|
|
-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
|
|
%
|
|
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
|
|
%
|
|
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
|
|
to live beyond its income.
|
|
-- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
|
|
%
|
|
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
|
|
-- Ernest Rutherford
|
|
%
|
|
All seems condemned in the long run
|
|
to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
|
|
-- James Martin
|
|
%
|
|
All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
|
|
-- Saint Patrick
|
|
%
|
|
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
|
|
%
|
|
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
|
|
%
|
|
All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
|
|
%
|
|
All that is gold does not glitter,
|
|
Not all those who wander are lost;
|
|
The old that is strong does not wither,
|
|
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
|
|
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
|
|
A light from the shadows shall spring;
|
|
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
|
|
The crownless again shall be king.
|
|
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
|
|
%
|
|
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,
|
|
provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe
|
|
to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct
|
|
the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
|
|
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you
|
|
going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
All the evidence concerning the universe
|
|
has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
|
|
%
|
|
All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
|
|
It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
|
|
With all the words gone, They all had their day
|
|
What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
|
|
|
|
But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
|
|
And all the lines read, So small and so tender
|
|
There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
|
|
And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
|
|
|
|
It reminds me of days of So what is this line
|
|
Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
|
|
It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
|
|
And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
|
|
|
|
I've read all the greats
|
|
Both starving and fat,
|
|
But none was as great as
|
|
"I tot I taw a puddy tat."
|
|
-- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
|
|
%
|
|
All the men on my staff can type.
|
|
-- Bella Abzug
|
|
%
|
|
...all the modern inconveniences...
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
|
|
-- Grant Wood
|
|
%
|
|
All the simple programs have been written.
|
|
%
|
|
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
|
|
%
|
|
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
|
|
-- Sean O'Casey
|
|
%
|
|
All the world's a VAX,
|
|
And all the coders merely butchers;
|
|
They have their exits and their entrails;
|
|
And one int in his time plays many widths,
|
|
His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant,
|
|
Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
|
|
And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
|
|
And shining morning face, creeping like slug
|
|
Unwillingly to school.
|
|
-- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
|
|
%
|
|
All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
|
|
%
|
|
All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
|
|
%
|
|
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
|
|
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
|
|
%
|
|
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
|
|
it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
|
|
-- Henry Tyroon
|
|
%
|
|
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
|
|
%
|
|
All warranty and guarantee clauses
|
|
become null and void upon payment of invoice.
|
|
%
|
|
All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
|
|
other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
|
|
This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
|
|
our lives."
|
|
-- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
|
|
%
|
|
All who joy would win Must share it --
|
|
Happiness was born a twin.
|
|
-- Lord Byron
|
|
%
|
|
All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
|
|
%
|
|
Allen's Axiom:
|
|
When all else fails, read the instructions.
|
|
%
|
|
Alliance, n:
|
|
In international politics, the union of two thieves who
|
|
have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket
|
|
that they cannot safely plunder a third.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
All's well that ends.
|
|
%
|
|
Almost anything derogatory you could say
|
|
about today's software design would be accurate.
|
|
-- K.E. Iverson
|
|
%
|
|
ALONE:
|
|
In bad company.
|
|
%
|
|
Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
|
|
to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
|
|
%
|
|
alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
|
|
ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
|
|
baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
|
|
Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
|
|
baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
|
|
beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
|
|
found in baas.
|
|
caaa, n: An automobile.
|
|
centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
|
|
someone involved with the Knicks.)
|
|
chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
|
|
dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
|
|
computation.
|
|
-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
|
|
%
|
|
Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
|
|
buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
|
|
Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
|
|
reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
|
|
"He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
|
|
bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
|
|
"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
|
|
-- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
|
|
%
|
|
Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
|
|
reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
|
|
life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
|
|
minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
|
|
apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
|
|
of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
|
|
through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
|
|
those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
|
|
reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
|
|
Gamekeeping."
|
|
-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
|
|
%
|
|
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
|
|
%
|
|
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
|
|
%
|
|
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
|
|
%
|
|
Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
|
|
-- Jimmy Hoffa
|
|
%
|
|
Always store beer in a dark place.
|
|
%
|
|
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
|
|
%
|
|
Always there remain portions of our heart
|
|
into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
|
|
%
|
|
Always think of something new; this
|
|
helps you forget your last rotten idea.
|
|
-- Seth Frankel
|
|
%
|
|
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
|
|
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
|
|
end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
|
|
%
|
|
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
|
|
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
|
|
were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
|
|
%
|
|
AMBIDEXTROUS:
|
|
Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
|
|
%
|
|
AMBIGUITY:
|
|
Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
|
|
%
|
|
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
|
|
-- Charlie McCarthy
|
|
%
|
|
Ambition, n:
|
|
An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
|
|
living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
America: born free and taxed to death.
|
|
%
|
|
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
|
|
-- Allen Ginsberg
|
|
%
|
|
America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
|
|
and the scum rises to the top.
|
|
-- Utah Phillips
|
|
%
|
|
America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
|
|
-- President John F. Kennedy
|
|
|
|
The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
|
|
be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
|
|
living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
|
|
Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
|
|
-- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
|
|
|
|
The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
|
|
from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
|
|
to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
|
|
Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
|
|
of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
|
|
by the majority they were at the time.
|
|
-- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
|
|
%
|
|
America is the country where you buy a lifetime
|
|
supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
|
|
%
|
|
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
|
|
from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
|
|
-- John O'Hara
|
|
%
|
|
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
|
|
people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
|
|
name to "America".
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
|
|
%
|
|
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees
|
|
be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who
|
|
are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room
|
|
and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
|
|
%
|
|
American cars are made shoddily...
|
|
Cars made overseas are far superior.
|
|
-- Sen. Barry Goldwater
|
|
%
|
|
[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
|
|
we allow them short of hanging.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
|
|
America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
|
|
tail it knocks over a chair.
|
|
-- Arnold Toynbee
|
|
|
|
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
|
|
everybody and still nobody likes him.
|
|
-- Jim Samuels
|
|
%
|
|
Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
|
|
%
|
|
Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
|
|
to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
|
|
-- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
|
|
%
|
|
America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
|
|
%
|
|
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
|
|
%
|
|
AMOEBIT:
|
|
Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
|
|
and divide at the same time.
|
|
%
|
|
Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
|
|
-- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
|
|
%
|
|
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
|
|
%
|
|
An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
|
|
-- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
|
|
%
|
|
An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
|
|
-- Marlon Brando
|
|
%
|
|
An Ada exception is when a routine gets
|
|
in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
|
|
%
|
|
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
|
|
%
|
|
An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
|
|
his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
|
|
asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
|
|
Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
|
|
%
|
|
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
|
|
-- Dylan Thomas
|
|
%
|
|
An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
|
|
-- D.E. Knuth
|
|
%
|
|
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
|
|
to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
|
|
-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
|
|
%
|
|
An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
|
|
to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
|
|
and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
|
|
-- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
|
|
language.
|
|
%
|
|
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
|
|
-- A Chinese child
|
|
%
|
|
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
|
|
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
|
|
over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
|
|
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
|
|
let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
|
|
"Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
|
|
do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
|
|
Bohr chuckled.
|
|
"I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
|
|
scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
|
|
that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
|
|
%
|
|
An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
|
|
about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
|
|
|
|
American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
|
|
get to work?"
|
|
Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
|
|
transportation everywhere."
|
|
A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
|
|
R: "We take the train."
|
|
A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
|
|
R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
|
|
A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
|
|
R: "We take tanks."
|
|
%
|
|
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
|
|
the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
|
|
%
|
|
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
|
|
New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
|
|
not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
An aphorism is never exactly true;
|
|
it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
|
|
-- Karl Kraus
|
|
%
|
|
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
|
|
him last.
|
|
-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
|
|
%
|
|
An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
|
|
%
|
|
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
|
|
%
|
|
An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
|
|
-- Isaac Asimov
|
|
%
|
|
An attachment a la Plato
|
|
for a bashful young potato
|
|
or a, not too French, french bean
|
|
must excite your languid spleen.
|
|
For, if you walk down Picadilly
|
|
with a poppy or lily
|
|
in your medieval hand,
|
|
every one will say,
|
|
as you walk your flowery way;
|
|
"If this young man is content,
|
|
with a vegetable love
|
|
which would certainly not content me.
|
|
Why, what a very pure young man
|
|
this pure young man must be!"
|
|
-- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
|
|
[The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
|
|
%
|
|
An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
|
|
murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's
|
|
mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
|
|
Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
|
|
suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
|
|
murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
|
|
%
|
|
An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
|
|
%
|
|
An economist is a man who would marry
|
|
Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
|
|
%
|
|
An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
|
|
-- Adlai Stevenson
|
|
%
|
|
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
|
|
%
|
|
An efficient and a successful administration manifests
|
|
itself equally in small as in great matters.
|
|
-- W. Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
|
|
in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
|
|
-- Homer Ferguson
|
|
%
|
|
An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
|
|
when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
|
|
several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
|
|
despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
|
|
usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
|
|
"We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
|
|
barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
|
|
I've already paid them half of it."
|
|
"You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
|
|
euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
|
|
%
|
|
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
|
|
%
|
|
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
|
|
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
|
|
already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
|
|
engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
|
|
the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
|
|
has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
|
|
mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
|
|
was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
|
|
humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
|
|
trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
|
|
%
|
|
An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
|
|
%
|
|
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
|
|
-- A.P. Herbert
|
|
%
|
|
An evil mind is a great comfort.
|
|
%
|
|
An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
|
|
a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
|
|
only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
|
|
Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
|
|
incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
|
|
excellence:
|
|
|
|
"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
|
|
discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
|
|
to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
|
|
things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
|
|
parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
|
|
timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
|
|
doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
|
|
Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
|
|
school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
|
|
successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
|
|
they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
|
|
%
|
|
...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
|
|
picturesque liar.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
|
|
very narrow field.
|
|
-- Niels Bohr
|
|
%
|
|
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
|
|
as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
|
|
-- Benjamin Stolberg
|
|
%
|
|
An expert is one who knows more and more about less
|
|
and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
|
|
%
|
|
An eye in a blue face
|
|
Saw an eye in a green face.
|
|
"That eye is like this eye"
|
|
Said the first eye,
|
|
"But in low place,
|
|
Not in high place."
|
|
%
|
|
An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
|
|
Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
|
|
A manly man, to be a wizard able;
|
|
Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
|
|
His console, when he typed, a man might hear
|
|
Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
|
|
Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
|
|
Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
|
|
The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
|
|
As old and strict he tended to ignore;
|
|
He let go by the things of yesterday
|
|
And took the modern world's more spacious way.
|
|
He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
|
|
Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
|
|
And that a hacker underworked is a mere
|
|
Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
|
|
That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
|
|
That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
|
|
And I agreed and said his views were sound;
|
|
Was he to study till his head wend round
|
|
Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
|
|
As Andy bade and till the very soil?
|
|
Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
|
|
Let Andy have his labor to himself!
|
|
-- Chaucer
|
|
[well, almost. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
|
|
-- Simon Cameron
|
|
|
|
There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
|
|
bought they stay bought.
|
|
-- Bill Moyers
|
|
%
|
|
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
%
|
|
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
|
|
%
|
|
An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
|
|
-- Henry Ford
|
|
%
|
|
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
|
|
%
|
|
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
|
|
is to allow oneself to be devoured.
|
|
-- Konrad Adenauer
|
|
%
|
|
An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
|
|
-- Albert Camus
|
|
%
|
|
An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
|
|
each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
|
|
function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
|
|
by the corresponding row and column labels.
|
|
-- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial
|
|
Intelligence"
|
|
%
|
|
An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
|
|
-- Benjamin Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
|
|
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
|
|
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
|
|
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
|
|
an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
|
|
hour seems like a minute."
|
|
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
|
|
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
|
|
-- Arthur Naiman
|
|
%
|
|
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
|
|
great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
|
|
a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
|
|
have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
|
|
hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
|
|
of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
|
|
"No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
|
|
"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
|
|
A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of
|
|
strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
|
|
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
|
|
man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
|
|
"Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
|
|
"I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
|
|
funeral."
|
|
%
|
|
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
|
|
-- Don Marquis
|
|
%
|
|
An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
|
|
A pessimist is a married optimist.
|
|
%
|
|
An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
|
|
%
|
|
An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
|
|
-- Michael Korda
|
|
%
|
|
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
|
|
-- Spanish proverb
|
|
%
|
|
Anarchy may not be a better form of government,
|
|
but it's better than no government at all.
|
|
%
|
|
And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
|
|
was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
|
|
Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
|
|
That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
|
|
I've worried and worried and worried away.
|
|
Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
|
|
I've worried about it with all of my heart.
|
|
|
|
"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
|
|
the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
|
|
UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
|
|
nothing is going to get better - it's not.
|
|
So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
|
|
"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
|
|
|
|
"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
|
|
And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
|
|
Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
|
|
Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
|
|
Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
|
|
Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
|
|
%
|
|
And as we stand on the edge of darkness
|
|
Let our chant fill the void
|
|
That others may know
|
|
|
|
In the land of the night
|
|
The ship of the sun
|
|
Is drawn by
|
|
The grateful dead.
|
|
-- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
|
|
%
|
|
And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
|
|
unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
|
|
bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
|
|
provideth that they are nice and fresh.'
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
|
|
unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
|
|
bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
|
|
provideth that they are nice and fresh."
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
|
|
%
|
|
And did those feet, in ancient times,
|
|
Walk upon England's mountains green?
|
|
And was the Holy Lamb of God
|
|
In England's pleasant pastures seen?
|
|
And did the Countenance Divine
|
|
Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
|
|
And was Jerusalem builded here
|
|
Among these dark satanic mills?
|
|
|
|
Bring me my bow of burning gold!
|
|
Bring me my arrows of desire!
|
|
Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
|
|
Bring me my chariot of fire!
|
|
I shall not cease from mental fight,
|
|
Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
|
|
Till we have built Jerusalem
|
|
In England's green and pleasant land.
|
|
-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
|
|
%
|
|
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
|
|
%
|
|
And ever has it been known that
|
|
love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
|
|
-- Kahlil Gibran
|
|
%
|
|
And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
|
|
"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
|
|
to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
|
|
greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
|
|
spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
|
|
he shouted out, "YOPP!"
|
|
And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
|
|
Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
|
|
They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
|
|
I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
|
|
whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
|
|
"How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
|
|
on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
|
|
them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
|
|
the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
|
|
them. No matter how small-ish!"
|
|
-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
|
|
%
|
|
And here I wait so patiently
|
|
Waiting to find out what price
|
|
You have to pay to get out of
|
|
Going thru all of these things twice
|
|
-- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
|
|
%
|
|
And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
|
|
%
|
|
And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight,
|
|
"Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?"
|
|
%
|
|
And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
|
|
ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
|
|
little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
|
|
them, aren't braced against them.
|
|
-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
|
|
%
|
|
And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
|
|
My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
|
|
Addams -- he was good for nothing."
|
|
-- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
|
|
%
|
|
And if California slides into the ocean,
|
|
Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
|
|
I predict this motel will be standing,
|
|
Until I've paid my bill.
|
|
-- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
|
|
%
|
|
And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
|
|
"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
|
|
%
|
|
And if you wonder,
|
|
What I am doing,
|
|
As I am heading for the sink.
|
|
I am spitting out all the bitterness,
|
|
Along with half of my last drink.
|
|
%
|
|
And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
|
|
Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
|
|
-- Joan Baez
|
|
%
|
|
And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
|
|
what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
|
|
-- David Jones
|
|
%
|
|
And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
|
|
-- A.E. Housman
|
|
%
|
|
And miles to go before I sleep.
|
|
%
|
|
And now for something completely the same.
|
|
%
|
|
And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
|
|
And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
|
|
The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
|
|
And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
|
|
|
|
We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
|
|
The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
|
|
But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
|
|
Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
|
|
|
|
Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
|
|
And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
|
|
Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
|
|
We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
|
|
|
|
Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
|
|
We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
|
|
Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
|
|
You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
|
|
hand...
|
|
%
|
|
And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
|
|
%
|
|
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
|
|
%
|
|
...and report cards I was always afraid to show
|
|
Mama'd come to school
|
|
and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
|
|
Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
|
|
Got a good head if he'd apply it
|
|
but you know yourself
|
|
it's always somewhere else
|
|
I'd build me a castle
|
|
with dragons and kings
|
|
and I'd ride off with them
|
|
As I stood by my window
|
|
and looked out on those
|
|
Brooklyn roads
|
|
-- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
|
|
%
|
|
And so it was, later,
|
|
As the miller told his tale,
|
|
That her face, at first just ghostly,
|
|
Turned a whiter shade of pale.
|
|
-- Procol Harum
|
|
%
|
|
And that's the way it is...
|
|
-- Walter Cronkite
|
|
%
|
|
And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
|
|
turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
|
|
the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
|
|
clothes! He is naked!"
|
|
-- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
|
|
%
|
|
And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
|
|
black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
|
|
penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
|
|
white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
|
|
growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
|
|
-- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
|
|
%
|
|
And the silence came surging softly backwards
|
|
When the plunging hooves were gone...
|
|
-- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
|
|
%
|
|
And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
|
|
with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
|
|
%
|
|
And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
|
|
rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
|
|
which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
|
|
in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
|
|
-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
|
|
%
|
|
And this is good old Boston,
|
|
The home of the bean and the cod,
|
|
Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
|
|
And the Cabots talk only to God.
|
|
%
|
|
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
|
|
-- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
|
|
%
|
|
And we heard him exclaim
|
|
As he started to roam:
|
|
"I'm a hologram, kids,
|
|
please don't try this at home!'"
|
|
-- Bob Violence
|
|
%
|
|
And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
|
|
ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
|
|
Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
|
|
economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
|
|
give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
|
|
of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
|
|
exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
|
|
and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
|
|
without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
|
|
afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
|
|
loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
|
|
engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
|
|
shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
|
|
-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
|
|
%
|
|
And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
|
|
She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
|
|
Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
|
|
All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
|
|
-- The Grateful Dead
|
|
%
|
|
And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
|
|
have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
|
|
the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
|
|
loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
|
|
in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
|
|
license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
|
|
-- Charles Dickens
|
|
%
|
|
And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
|
|
a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
|
|
tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
|
|
tragedy face to face, we have politics.
|
|
-- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
|
|
"Root Crops and Ground Cover"
|
|
%
|
|
And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
|
|
because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
|
|
%
|
|
"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
|
|
you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
|
|
and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
|
|
he, earnestly.
|
|
-- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
|
|
%
|
|
Andrea's Admonition:
|
|
Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
|
|
If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
|
|
it isn't and he can.
|
|
%
|
|
ANDROPHOBIA:
|
|
Fear of men.
|
|
%
|
|
Anger is momentary madness.
|
|
-- Horace
|
|
%
|
|
Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
|
|
%
|
|
Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
|
|
Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
Ankh if you love Isis.
|
|
%
|
|
Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
|
|
|
|
Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
|
|
|
|
Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
|
|
just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
|
|
cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
|
|
at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
|
|
think you can, and that's the point, right?)
|
|
%
|
|
ANOINT:
|
|
To grease a king or other great
|
|
functionary already sufficiently slippery.
|
|
%
|
|
Another day, another dollar.
|
|
-- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
|
|
upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
|
|
Reagan.
|
|
%
|
|
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
|
|
%
|
|
Another megabytes the dust.
|
|
%
|
|
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
|
|
television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and
|
|
world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers
|
|
whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly"
|
|
%
|
|
Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
|
|
-- Pyrrhus
|
|
%
|
|
Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
|
|
-- Proverbs, 26:5
|
|
%
|
|
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
|
|
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
|
|
corner of the workshop.
|
|
|
|
Corollary:
|
|
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
|
|
your toes.
|
|
%
|
|
Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
|
|
Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
|
|
%
|
|
Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
|
|
%
|
|
Antonio Antonio
|
|
Was tired of living alonio
|
|
He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
|
|
Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio
|
|
Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
|
|
In a bowery shade,
|
|
Sitting and knitting alonio.
|
|
Antonio Antonio
|
|
Said if you will be my ownio
|
|
I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio
|
|
And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
|
|
An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
|
|
You singular fish
|
|
Is that you will quickly begonio.
|
|
Antonio Antonio
|
|
Uttered a dismal moanio
|
|
And went off and hid
|
|
Or I'm told that he did
|
|
in the Antarctical Zonio.
|
|
%
|
|
ANTONYM:
|
|
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
|
|
%
|
|
Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
|
|
[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
|
|
Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
|
|
cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
|
|
Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
|
|
them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
|
|
-- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
|
|
cars across Europe.
|
|
%
|
|
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
|
|
which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
|
|
%
|
|
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
|
|
-- Charles McCabe
|
|
%
|
|
Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
|
|
mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
|
|
than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
|
|
And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
|
|
Is there a better way to die?
|
|
-- Charles Lindbergh
|
|
%
|
|
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
|
|
-- Aesop
|
|
%
|
|
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
|
|
country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
|
|
%
|
|
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
|
|
wise person to be able to sell it.
|
|
%
|
|
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
|
|
how to lie well.
|
|
-- Samuel Butler
|
|
%
|
|
Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
|
|
stupid.
|
|
-- Hedy Lamarr
|
|
%
|
|
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
|
|
%
|
|
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
|
|
%
|
|
Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
|
|
a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
|
|
grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
|
|
fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
|
|
true.
|
|
-- Solomon Short
|
|
%
|
|
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
|
|
%
|
|
Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
|
|
rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
|
|
of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
|
|
requires a heroism which is transcendent.
|
|
-- Henry Ward Beecher
|
|
%
|
|
Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
|
|
-- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
|
|
liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
|
|
be deemed to be a cat.
|
|
-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
|
|
%
|
|
"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
|
|
"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
|
|
qualified who is willing to accept the post."
|
|
"Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
|
|
can at least make a decision."
|
|
"Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
|
|
young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
|
|
up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
|
|
-- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
|
|
%
|
|
Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
|
|
-- Sydney Harris
|
|
%
|
|
Any president should have the right to shoot
|
|
at least two people a year without explanation.
|
|
-- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
|
|
%
|
|
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
Any program which runs right is obsolete.
|
|
%
|
|
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
|
|
%
|
|
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain
|
|
just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you
|
|
cannot see the mountain.
|
|
-- Bene Gesserit proverb
|
|
%
|
|
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
|
|
Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
|
|
From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
|
|
-- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
|
|
%
|
|
Any small object that is accidentally
|
|
dropped will hide under a larger object.
|
|
%
|
|
Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
|
|
%
|
|
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
|
|
%
|
|
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
|
|
-- Arthur Clarke
|
|
%
|
|
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
|
|
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
|
|
%
|
|
Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
|
|
has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
|
|
-- J.P. Morgan
|
|
%
|
|
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
|
|
organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
|
|
-- David Broder
|
|
%
|
|
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
|
|
sight of a police car is probably parked.
|
|
%
|
|
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
|
|
person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
|
|
and in the right way -- that is not easy.
|
|
-- Aristotle
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
|
|
supposed to be doing.
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
|
|
first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
|
|
explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
|
|
intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
|
|
thought on every occasion."
|
|
-- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
|
|
At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes,
|
|
bathe and not make messes in the house.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
|
|
-- R. Heinlein
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
|
|
-- Samuel Goldwyn
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
|
|
that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
|
|
is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
|
|
mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
|
|
-- Elizabeth Zwicky
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
|
|
knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
|
|
as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
|
|
-- Philippus Paracelsus
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
|
|
should on no account be allowed to do the job.
|
|
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
|
|
recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
|
|
particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
|
|
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
%
|
|
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
|
|
-- Emmett Grogan
|
|
%
|
|
Anything cut to length will be too short.
|
|
%
|
|
Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it.
|
|
%
|
|
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
|
|
%
|
|
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
|
|
%
|
|
Anything is possible on paper.
|
|
-- Ron McAfee
|
|
%
|
|
Anything is possible, unless it's not.
|
|
%
|
|
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
|
|
The label means the price went up.
|
|
The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
|
|
means the price went way up.
|
|
%
|
|
Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
|
|
undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
|
|
-- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
|
|
%
|
|
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
|
|
%
|
|
Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
|
|
%
|
|
Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
|
|
big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
|
|
nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
|
|
cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
|
|
over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
|
|
going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
|
|
all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
|
|
but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
|
|
-- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
|
|
%
|
|
Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
|
|
If you want to come, you're not invited.
|
|
%
|
|
APHASIA:
|
|
Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
|
|
at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
|
|
%
|
|
aphorism, n.:
|
|
A concise, clever statement.
|
|
afterism, n.:
|
|
A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
|
|
-- James Alexander Thom
|
|
%
|
|
APL hackers do it in the quad.
|
|
%
|
|
APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
|
|
future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
|
|
of coding bums.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
|
|
%
|
|
APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
|
|
...and is best for educational purposes.
|
|
-- A. Perlis
|
|
%
|
|
APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
|
|
in APL, but I can't read any of them.
|
|
-- Roy Keir
|
|
%
|
|
Appearances often are deceiving.
|
|
-- Aesop
|
|
%
|
|
APPENDIX:
|
|
A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
|
|
%
|
|
Applause, n:
|
|
The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
April is the cruellest month...
|
|
-- Thomas Stearns Eliot
|
|
%
|
|
AQUADEXTROUS:
|
|
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
|
|
faucet on and off with your toes.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
aquadextrous, adj.:
|
|
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
|
|
with your toes.
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
|
|
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
|
|
You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
|
|
careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
|
|
and over again. People think you are stupid.
|
|
%
|
|
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
|
|
A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
|
|
on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
|
|
of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
|
|
payday. Stop wetting your bed.
|
|
%
|
|
AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
|
|
You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
|
|
you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
|
|
As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
|
|
relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
|
|
able to lend you a few bucks.
|
|
%
|
|
Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
|
|
ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
|
|
cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
|
|
cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
|
|
then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
|
|
never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
|
|
-- Peter Nelson
|
|
%
|
|
Are we not men?
|
|
%
|
|
Are we running light with overbyte?
|
|
%
|
|
Are Women Human?
|
|
In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
|
|
representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
|
|
The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
|
|
vote.
|
|
%
|
|
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
|
|
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
|
|
|
|
Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
|
|
Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
|
|
If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
|
|
Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
|
|
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
|
|
Don't you know any better?
|
|
How could you be so stupid?
|
|
If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
|
|
You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
|
|
If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
|
|
%
|
|
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
|
|
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
|
|
|
|
Do as I say, not as I do.
|
|
Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
|
|
What did you do *this* time?
|
|
If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
|
|
When I was your age...
|
|
I won't love you if you keep doing that.
|
|
Think of all the starving children in India.
|
|
If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
|
|
I'm going to kill you.
|
|
Way to go, clumsy.
|
|
If you don't like it, you can lump it.
|
|
%
|
|
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
|
|
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
|
|
|
|
Go away. You bother me.
|
|
Why? Because life is unfair.
|
|
That's a nice drawing. What is it?
|
|
Children should be seen and not heard.
|
|
You'll be the death of me.
|
|
You'll understand when you're older.
|
|
Because.
|
|
Wipe that smile off your face.
|
|
I don't believe you.
|
|
How many times have I told you to be careful?
|
|
Just because.
|
|
%
|
|
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
|
|
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
|
|
|
|
Good children always obey.
|
|
Quit acting so childish.
|
|
Boys don't cry.
|
|
If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
|
|
Why do you have to know so much?
|
|
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
|
|
Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
|
|
Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
|
|
Oh, grow up.
|
|
I'm only doing this because I love you.
|
|
%
|
|
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
|
|
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
|
|
|
|
When are you going to grow up?
|
|
I'm only doing this for your own good.
|
|
Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
|
|
cry about.
|
|
What's wrong with you?
|
|
Someday you'll thank me for this.
|
|
You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
|
|
Don't you have any sense at all?
|
|
If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
|
|
Why? Because I said so.
|
|
I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
|
|
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
|
|
|
|
You wouldn't understand.
|
|
You ask too many questions.
|
|
In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
|
|
That's for me to know and you to find out.
|
|
Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
|
|
up for yourself.
|
|
You're acting too big for your britches.
|
|
Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
|
|
Wait till your father gets home.
|
|
Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
|
|
Shape up or ship out.
|
|
%
|
|
Are you making all this up as you go along?
|
|
%
|
|
"Are you police officers?"
|
|
"No, ma'am. We're musicians."
|
|
-- The Blues Brothers
|
|
%
|
|
Are you sure the back door is locked?
|
|
%
|
|
"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
|
|
No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
|
|
Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
|
|
Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
|
|
Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
|
|
Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
|
|
Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
|
|
or so pencils from marking the cloth?
|
|
Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
|
|
Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
|
|
Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
|
|
Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
|
|
|
|
Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
|
|
0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
|
|
3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
|
|
6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
|
|
8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
|
|
11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
|
|
%
|
|
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
|
|
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
|
|
%
|
|
Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
|
|
in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
|
|
-- O. Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
|
|
%
|
|
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
|
|
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
|
|
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
|
|
very nice.
|
|
%
|
|
ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
|
|
You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
|
|
and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
|
|
got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
|
|
%
|
|
ARITHMETIC:
|
|
An obscure art no longer practiced in
|
|
the world's developed countries.
|
|
%
|
|
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
|
|
-- Mickey Mouse
|
|
%
|
|
ARMADILLO:
|
|
To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
|
|
%
|
|
Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
|
|
autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
|
|
Union.
|
|
-- P.J. O'Rourke
|
|
%
|
|
Armor's Axiom:
|
|
Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
|
|
%
|
|
Armstrong's Collection Law:
|
|
If the check is truly in the mail,
|
|
it is surely made out to someone else.
|
|
%
|
|
Arnold's Addendum:
|
|
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
|
|
%
|
|
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
|
|
1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
|
|
2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
|
|
3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
|
|
first two laws.
|
|
%
|
|
Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
|
|
a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
|
|
one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
|
|
to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
|
|
(He died in 1921.)
|
|
Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
|
|
flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
|
|
fantasy...
|
|
What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
|
|
And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
|
|
instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
|
|
piece would be better known as:
|
|
SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
|
|
%
|
|
Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
|
|
incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
|
|
-- Muad'dib, "Dune"
|
|
%
|
|
Art is a jealous mistress.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
|
|
-- Picasso
|
|
%
|
|
Art is anything you can get away with.
|
|
-- Marshall McLuhan.
|
|
%
|
|
Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
|
|
-- Chazal
|
|
%
|
|
Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
|
|
%
|
|
Arthur's Laws of Love:
|
|
1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
|
|
remind them of someone else.
|
|
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
|
|
be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
|
|
of yourself in person.
|
|
%
|
|
Article the Third:
|
|
Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
|
|
enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
|
|
guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
|
|
Article the Fourth:
|
|
The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
|
|
and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
|
|
face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
|
|
Article the Fifth:
|
|
Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
|
|
a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
|
|
lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
|
|
to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
|
|
-- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
|
|
%
|
|
Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
|
|
artificial flowers have to flowers.
|
|
-- David Parnas
|
|
%
|
|
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
|
|
%
|
|
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
|
|
%
|
|
As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
|
|
interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted
|
|
disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make
|
|
jokes about setting fire to a goat?"
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
|
|
I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
|
|
This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
|
|
-- Matt Cartmill
|
|
%
|
|
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
|
|
and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a
|
|
scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
|
|
-- M. Cartmill
|
|
%
|
|
As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
|
|
a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
|
|
Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
|
|
glass.
|
|
The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
|
|
with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
|
|
The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
|
|
a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
|
|
down in one gulp.
|
|
Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
|
|
fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
|
|
firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
|
|
NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
|
|
%
|
|
As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
|
|
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
|
|
%
|
|
As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
|
|
the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
|
|
a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
|
|
-- Joseph Brodsky
|
|
%
|
|
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
|
|
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
|
|
-- Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
|
|
-- Weisert
|
|
%
|
|
As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
|
|
-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
|
|
%
|
|
As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
|
|
We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
|
|
-- Frederic Reynolds
|
|
%
|
|
As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
|
|
of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
|
|
-- J.F. Kennedy
|
|
%
|
|
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
|
|
%
|
|
As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
|
|
the potato salad.
|
|
%
|
|
As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
|
|
religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
|
|
methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
|
|
to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
|
|
years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
|
|
untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
|
|
and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
|
|
high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
|
|
surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
|
|
-- Steve Allen
|
|
%
|
|
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
|
|
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
|
|
-- Jack Handey
|
|
%
|
|
As I thought, no better from this side.
|
|
-- Eeyore
|
|
%
|
|
As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
|
|
Feeling worse and worser,
|
|
There I met a C.R.T.
|
|
And it drop't me a cursor.
|
|
|
|
C.R.T., C.R.T.,
|
|
Phosphors light on you!
|
|
If I had fifty hours a day
|
|
I'd spend them all at you.
|
|
-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
|
|
%
|
|
As I was passing Project MAC,
|
|
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
|
|
Every hack had seven bugs;
|
|
Every bug had seven manifestations;
|
|
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
|
|
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
|
|
How many losses at Project MAC?
|
|
%
|
|
As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
|
|
I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
|
|
The words were torn and tattered,
|
|
From the storm the night before,
|
|
The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
|
|
|
|
Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
|
|
Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
|
|
Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
|
|
And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
|
|
|
|
Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire,
|
|
Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
|
|
Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
|
|
And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
|
|
%
|
|
As in certain cults it is possible to
|
|
kill a process if you know its true name.
|
|
-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
|
|
%
|
|
As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
|
|
smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
|
|
in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
|
|
norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
|
|
computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
|
|
IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
|
|
standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
|
|
standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
|
|
allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
|
|
innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
|
|
imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
|
|
images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
|
|
on the austerity of the word.
|
|
-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
|
|
%
|
|
As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
|
|
industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
|
|
and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
|
|
man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
|
|
talk like that.
|
|
-- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
|
|
%
|
|
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
|
|
%
|
|
As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
|
|
schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
|
|
The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
|
|
%
|
|
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
|
|
When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
|
|
%
|
|
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
|
|
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
|
|
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
|
|
|
|
Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
|
|
|
|
1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
|
|
2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
|
|
3. Some people never look at me.
|
|
4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
|
|
5. My sex life is A-okay.
|
|
6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
|
|
7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
|
|
8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
|
|
9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
|
|
10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
|
|
11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
|
|
12. I cannot read or write.
|
|
13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
|
|
14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
|
|
15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
|
|
16. I am never startled by a fish.
|
|
17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
|
|
18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
|
|
19. People who break the law are wise guys.
|
|
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
|
|
%
|
|
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
|
|
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
|
|
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
|
|
|
|
Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
|
|
|
|
1. I think beavers work too hard.
|
|
2. I use shoe polish to excess.
|
|
3. God is love.
|
|
4. I like mannish children.
|
|
5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
|
|
6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
|
|
7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
|
|
8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
|
|
9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
|
|
10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
|
|
11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
|
|
full of mice.
|
|
12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
|
|
13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
|
|
14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
|
|
15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
|
|
16. My eyes are always cold.
|
|
17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
|
|
18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
|
|
19. I am never startled by a fish.
|
|
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
|
|
%
|
|
As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
|
|
The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
|
|
It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
|
|
An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
|
|
Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
|
|
Follow it through, me canny lad O;
|
|
Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
|
|
Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
|
|
-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
|
|
Please update your programs.
|
|
%
|
|
As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
|
|
Please update your programs.
|
|
%
|
|
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
|
|
%
|
|
As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
|
|
the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
|
|
|
|
News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
|
|
|
|
Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
|
|
Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
|
|
Keywords: C sources
|
|
Distribution: na
|
|
|
|
I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
|
|
sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
|
|
headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
|
|
cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
|
|
|
|
Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
|
|
I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
|
|
it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
|
|
must be done?
|
|
%
|
|
As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
|
|
a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
|
|
-- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
|
|
conversion to a new computer system.
|
|
%
|
|
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
|
|
I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
|
|
Of society offenders who might well be underground
|
|
And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
|
|
-- Koko, "The Mikado"
|
|
%
|
|
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
|
|
as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
|
|
discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
|
|
part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
|
|
my own programs.
|
|
-- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
|
|
%
|
|
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
|
|
because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
|
|
bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
|
|
or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
|
|
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
|
|
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
|
|
efficient test cases will usually be available.
|
|
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
|
|
%
|
|
As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
|
|
as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
|
|
but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
|
|
with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
|
|
divinity.
|
|
-- Benjamin Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
|
|
-- Miguel de Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
As Will Rogers would have said,
|
|
"There is no such things as a free variable."
|
|
%
|
|
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
|
|
aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
|
|
chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
|
|
proper time for chocolate.
|
|
-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
|
|
%
|
|
As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
|
|
but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
|
|
-- The Cowboy
|
|
%
|
|
As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
|
|
-- Dave "First Strike" Pare
|
|
%
|
|
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
|
|
%
|
|
ASCII:
|
|
The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
|
|
become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
|
|
a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
|
|
receive."
|
|
-- Robb Russon
|
|
%
|
|
ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
|
|
%
|
|
ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
|
|
%
|
|
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
|
|
If God won't have you, the devil must.
|
|
%
|
|
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
|
|
one went to Harvard).
|
|
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
|
|
%
|
|
Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
|
|
will pay only the station-to-station rate.
|
|
-- Howard Kandel
|
|
%
|
|
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
|
|
if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
|
|
%
|
|
Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
|
|
-- J.J. Gibson
|
|
%
|
|
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
|
|
-- John Stuart Mill
|
|
%
|
|
Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
|
|
said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
|
|
released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
|
|
right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
|
|
learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
|
|
writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
|
|
newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
|
|
bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
|
|
chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
|
|
as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
|
|
everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
|
|
the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
|
|
and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
|
|
couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
|
|
two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
|
|
-- Garrison Keillor
|
|
%
|
|
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
|
|
lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
|
|
-- Christopher Hampton
|
|
%
|
|
Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
|
|
and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
|
|
-- D. Gries
|
|
%
|
|
Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
|
|
with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
|
|
the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
|
|
and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
|
|
-- Stanley Walker
|
|
%
|
|
Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
|
|
%
|
|
Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
|
|
-- D. Winker and F. Prosser
|
|
%
|
|
At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
|
|
solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
|
|
take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
|
|
available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
|
|
In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
|
|
is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
|
|
relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
|
|
a computer problem?"
|
|
"Remember the twin paradox?"
|
|
After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
|
|
fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
|
|
that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
|
|
computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
|
|
The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
|
|
the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
|
|
|
|
IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
|
|
%
|
|
At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
|
|
my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
|
|
ignorance upon the shore.
|
|
-- Kahlil Gibran
|
|
%
|
|
At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
|
|
the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
|
|
quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
|
|
than blinkers it.
|
|
-- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
|
|
%
|
|
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
|
|
a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
|
|
-- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
|
|
%
|
|
At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
|
|
"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
|
|
-- Strange de Jim
|
|
%
|
|
At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
|
|
-- J.B. White
|
|
%
|
|
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
|
|
thumb with a hammer.
|
|
-- Marshall Lumsden
|
|
%
|
|
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
|
|
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
|
|
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
|
|
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
|
|
after fact and reason.
|
|
-- John Keats
|
|
%
|
|
At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
|
|
coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
|
|
-- H.R. Gumby
|
|
%
|
|
At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
|
|
and no further activities are scheduled.
|
|
%
|
|
At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
|
|
The image of Providing Nourishment.
|
|
Thus the superior man is careful of his words
|
|
And temperate in eating and drinking.
|
|
%
|
|
At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
|
|
contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
|
|
or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
|
|
of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
|
|
nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
|
|
world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
|
|
enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
|
|
field on track.
|
|
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
|
|
%
|
|
At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
|
|
to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
|
|
die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
|
|
room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
|
|
The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
|
|
grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
|
|
You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
|
|
213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
|
|
gently!"
|
|
The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
|
|
opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
|
|
his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
|
|
guess who's going to die soon!"
|
|
%
|
|
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
|
|
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
|
|
%
|
|
At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
|
|
-- Peter G. Alaquon
|
|
%
|
|
At times discretion should be thrown aside,
|
|
and with the foolish we should play the fool.
|
|
-- Menander
|
|
%
|
|
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
|
|
number of pens that person is carrying.
|
|
%
|
|
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
|
|
%
|
|
ATLANTA:
|
|
An entire city surrounded by an airport.
|
|
%
|
|
Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
|
|
decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
|
|
lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
|
|
suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
|
|
is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
|
|
-- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
|
|
%
|
|
AUCTION:
|
|
A gyp off the old block.
|
|
%
|
|
Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
|
|
-- G.J. Danton
|
|
%
|
|
audiophile, n:
|
|
Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
|
|
%
|
|
Auribus teneo lupum.
|
|
[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
|
|
%
|
|
AUTHENTIC:
|
|
Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
|
|
%
|
|
Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
|
|
-- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
|
|
%
|
|
AUTOMOBILE:
|
|
A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
|
|
%
|
|
Avec!
|
|
%
|
|
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
|
|
%
|
|
Avoid cliches like the plague.
|
|
They're a dime a dozen.
|
|
%
|
|
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
|
|
%
|
|
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
|
|
%
|
|
Avoid reality at all costs.
|
|
%
|
|
Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
|
|
we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
|
|
-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
|
|
%
|
|
Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
|
|
%
|
|
Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
|
|
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
|
|
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
|
|
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
|
|
in 1959.
|
|
-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
|
|
bad fiction contest.
|
|
%
|
|
[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
|
|
-- Tris Speaker, 1921
|
|
%
|
|
BACCHUS:
|
|
A convenient deity invented by the ancients
|
|
as an excuse for getting drunk.
|
|
%
|
|
BACHELOR:
|
|
A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
|
|
%
|
|
BACHELOR:
|
|
A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
|
|
%
|
|
Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
|
|
that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
|
|
correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
|
|
invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
|
|
West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
|
|
To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
|
|
Business before pleasure."
|
|
%
|
|
Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
|
|
military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
|
|
who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
|
|
Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
|
|
problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
|
|
written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
|
|
(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
|
|
types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
|
|
the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
|
|
the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
|
|
never really caught on.
|
|
%
|
|
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
|
|
uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
|
|
%
|
|
BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
|
|
Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
|
|
%
|
|
Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
|
|
%
|
|
BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
|
|
whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
|
|
-- Socrates
|
|
%
|
|
Bagdikian's Observation:
|
|
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
|
|
is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
|
|
%
|
|
Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
|
|
-- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
|
|
%
|
|
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
|
|
A block grant is a solid mass of money
|
|
surrounded on all sides by governors.
|
|
%
|
|
BALLISTOPHOBIA:
|
|
Fear of bullets;
|
|
OTOPHOBIA:
|
|
Fear of opening one's eyes.
|
|
PECCATOPHOBIA:
|
|
Fear of sinning.
|
|
TAPHEPHOBIA:
|
|
Fear of being buried alive.
|
|
SITOPHOBIA:
|
|
Fear of food.
|
|
TRICHOPHOBIA:
|
|
Fear of hair.
|
|
VESTIPHOBIA:
|
|
Fear of clothing.
|
|
%
|
|
BALTIMORE:
|
|
A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
|
|
%
|
|
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
|
|
%
|
|
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
|
|
The hippo has no sting, but the wise
|
|
man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
|
|
%
|
|
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
|
|
%
|
|
Barach's Rule:
|
|
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
|
|
%
|
|
Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
|
|
(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
|
|
and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
|
|
(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
|
|
to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
|
|
%
|
|
Barker's Proof:
|
|
Proofreading is more effective after publication.
|
|
%
|
|
BAROMETER:
|
|
An ingenious instrument which indicates
|
|
what kind of weather we are having.
|
|
%
|
|
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer
|
|
%
|
|
Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
|
|
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
|
|
|
|
(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
|
|
(2) Advising the President.
|
|
(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
BASIC:
|
|
A programming language. Related to certain social diseases
|
|
in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
|
|
%
|
|
Basic Definitions of Science:
|
|
If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
|
|
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
|
|
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
|
|
%
|
|
Basic is a high level languish.
|
|
%
|
|
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
|
|
-- Seymour Papert
|
|
%
|
|
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
|
|
come in and sink my boats.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Batteries not included.
|
|
%
|
|
Battle, n:
|
|
A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
|
|
will not yield to the tongue.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Be a better psychiatrist and the world
|
|
will beat a psychopath to your door.
|
|
%
|
|
BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
|
|
%
|
|
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
|
|
%
|
|
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
|
|
-- Homer
|
|
%
|
|
Be careful! Is it classified?
|
|
%
|
|
Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
|
|
%
|
|
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
|
|
situations that can't bear inspection.
|
|
%
|
|
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
|
|
-- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
|
|
%
|
|
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
|
|
%
|
|
Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
|
|
-- Derek Bok
|
|
%
|
|
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
|
|
%
|
|
Be cheerful while you are alive.
|
|
-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
|
|
%
|
|
Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
|
|
to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
|
|
-- De Maintenon
|
|
%
|
|
Be different: conform.
|
|
%
|
|
Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
|
|
the issue afterwards.
|
|
%
|
|
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
|
|
Things won't get any better so get used to it.
|
|
%
|
|
Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
|
|
%
|
|
Be independent.
|
|
Insult a rich relative today.
|
|
%
|
|
Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
|
|
nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
|
|
%
|
|
Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
|
|
-- Wilson Mizner
|
|
%
|
|
Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
|
|
-- Pope St. Gregory I
|
|
%
|
|
Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
|
|
%
|
|
Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
|
|
Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
|
|
%
|
|
Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
|
|
and original in your work.
|
|
-- Flaubert
|
|
%
|
|
Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
|
|
%
|
|
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
|
|
%
|
|
Be sociable.
|
|
Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
|
|
%
|
|
Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
|
|
%
|
|
Be valiant, but not too venturous.
|
|
Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
|
|
-- John Lyly
|
|
%
|
|
Beam me up, Scotty!
|
|
%
|
|
Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
|
|
%
|
|
Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
|
|
%
|
|
Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
|
|
%
|
|
BEAUTY:
|
|
What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
|
|
%
|
|
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
|
|
%
|
|
Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
|
|
%
|
|
Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
|
|
-- Jean Anouilh
|
|
%
|
|
Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
|
|
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
|
|
-- John Keats
|
|
%
|
|
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
|
|
-- Redd Foxx
|
|
%
|
|
Because I do,
|
|
Because I do not hope,
|
|
Because I do not hope to survive
|
|
Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
|
|
Because I do, only do,
|
|
I continue...
|
|
-- T.S. Pynchon
|
|
%
|
|
Because the wine remembers.
|
|
%
|
|
Because we don't think about future generations,
|
|
they will never forget us.
|
|
-- Henrik Tikkanen
|
|
%
|
|
Been through hell?
|
|
What did you bring back for me?
|
|
%
|
|
Been Transferred Lately?
|
|
%
|
|
Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
|
|
%
|
|
Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
|
|
%
|
|
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
|
|
-- Addison H. Hallock
|
|
%
|
|
Before destruction a man's heart is
|
|
haughty, but humility goes before honour.
|
|
-- Psalms 18:12
|
|
%
|
|
...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
|
|
or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
|
|
did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
|
|
manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
|
|
this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
|
|
power of meddling.
|
|
-- Joseph Conrad
|
|
%
|
|
Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
|
|
%
|
|
Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
|
|
they are "Let's eat out."
|
|
%
|
|
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
|
|
%
|
|
Before you ask more questions, think about whether
|
|
you really want to know the answers.
|
|
-- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
|
|
%
|
|
Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
|
|
"Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
|
|
%
|
|
Beggars should be no choosers.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
|
|
%
|
|
Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
|
|
%
|
|
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
|
|
%
|
|
Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
|
|
is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
|
|
the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
|
|
basket!"
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Behold the unborn foetus and
|
|
Weep salt tears crocodilian;
|
|
All life is sacred (save, of course,
|
|
An enemy civilian).
|
|
%
|
|
Behold the warranty -- the bold print
|
|
giveth and the fine print taketh away.
|
|
%
|
|
Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
|
|
%
|
|
Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
|
|
stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
|
|
opposite applies with the judges.
|
|
-- Beyond the Fringe
|
|
%
|
|
Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
|
|
since it consists principally of dealings with men.
|
|
-- Conrad
|
|
%
|
|
Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
|
|
to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
|
|
and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
|
|
"Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
|
|
seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
|
|
%
|
|
Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
|
|
disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
|
|
%
|
|
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
|
|
enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
|
|
-- Eugene McCarthy
|
|
%
|
|
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
|
|
Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
|
|
-- Blake Clark
|
|
%
|
|
Being owned by someone used to be called
|
|
slavery -- now it's called commitment.
|
|
%
|
|
Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
|
|
%
|
|
Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
|
|
different from being stoned on gin.
|
|
-- Ralph Nader
|
|
%
|
|
Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
|
|
standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
|
|
-- unnamed Justice Department official
|
|
%
|
|
Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
|
|
%
|
|
belief, n:
|
|
Something you do not believe.
|
|
%
|
|
Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
|
|
impossibly bad.
|
|
-- Honore de Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
|
|
%
|
|
Ben, why didn't you tell me?
|
|
-- Luke Skywalker
|
|
%
|
|
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
|
|
(1) Houses are for people to live in.
|
|
(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
|
|
(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
|
|
%
|
|
Benson's Dogma:
|
|
ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
|
|
%
|
|
Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
|
|
none of his friends like him either.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
|
|
transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
|
|
Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
|
|
place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
|
|
surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
|
|
MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
|
|
For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
|
|
rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
|
|
"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
|
|
after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
|
|
"I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
|
|
"Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
|
|
"The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
|
|
"The test or the room?"
|
|
"The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
|
|
"The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
|
|
Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
|
|
great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
|
|
tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
|
|
why?"
|
|
"Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
|
|
-- House of God
|
|
%
|
|
Bershere's Formula for Failure:
|
|
There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
|
|
listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
|
|
%
|
|
Besides the device, the box should contain:
|
|
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
|
|
* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
|
|
club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
|
|
|
|
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
|
|
|
|
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse
|
|
and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get
|
|
all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
|
|
transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
|
|
|
|
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
|
|
judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
|
|
doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
|
|
history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
|
|
at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
|
|
them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
|
|
victuals being spent and especially our beer."
|
|
-- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
|
|
%
|
|
Best Mistakes In Films
|
|
In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
|
|
four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
|
|
possible.
|
|
In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
|
|
street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
|
|
In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
|
|
with television aerials.
|
|
In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
|
|
fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
|
|
in the background.
|
|
In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
|
|
clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
Best of all is never to have been born.
|
|
Second best is to die soon.
|
|
%
|
|
beta test, v:
|
|
To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
|
|
sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
|
|
In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
|
|
%
|
|
Better by far you should forget and
|
|
smile than that you should remember and be sad.
|
|
-- Christina Rossetti
|
|
%
|
|
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
|
|
around while you have your life in such a mess.
|
|
%
|
|
Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
|
|
%
|
|
Better late than never.
|
|
-- Titus Livius (Livy)
|
|
%
|
|
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
|
|
%
|
|
Better the prince of some inferior court,
|
|
Than second, or less, in beatific light.
|
|
-- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
|
|
%
|
|
Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
|
|
%
|
|
Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
|
|
-- motto of the Christopher Society
|
|
%
|
|
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
|
|
%
|
|
Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
|
|
-- Jeff Cooper
|
|
%
|
|
Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
|
|
left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
|
|
bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
|
|
pushing boulders into a single word.
|
|
It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
|
|
Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
|
|
equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
|
|
destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
|
|
Parliament and Party.
|
|
It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
|
|
planets, this may be the first message received from us.
|
|
-- The Realist, November, 1964.
|
|
%
|
|
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
|
|
%
|
|
Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
|
|
-- G.H. Gonnet
|
|
%
|
|
Between the idea
|
|
And the reality
|
|
Between the motion
|
|
And the act
|
|
Falls the Shadow
|
|
-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to system service dispatching.]
|
|
%
|
|
BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
|
|
a new wearer of clothes.
|
|
-- Henry David Thoreau
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of Bigfoot!
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of bugs in the above code;
|
|
I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
|
|
-- D. Knuth
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of geeks bearing graft.
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
|
|
danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
|
|
the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
|
|
-- St. Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
|
|
-- Leonard Brandwein
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of strong drink. It can make you
|
|
shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
|
|
%
|
|
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds
|
|
himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous
|
|
resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their
|
|
ignorance the hard way."
|
|
-- Kurt Vonnegut
|
|
%
|
|
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
|
|
is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
|
|
%
|
|
Beware the new TTY code!
|
|
%
|
|
Beware the one behind you.
|
|
%
|
|
bi, n:
|
|
When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
|
|
%
|
|
Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
|
|
(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
|
|
(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
|
|
(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
|
|
%
|
|
Big book, big bore.
|
|
-- Callimachus
|
|
%
|
|
Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
|
|
Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
|
|
Mighty nice!
|
|
%
|
|
Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
|
|
%
|
|
Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
|
|
%
|
|
Bilbo's First Law:
|
|
You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
|
|
%
|
|
Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
|
|
-- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
|
|
%
|
|
Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
|
|
generation to generation?
|
|
Mom: Yes?
|
|
Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
|
|
%
|
|
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
|
|
and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
|
|
-- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
|
|
%
|
|
Bing's Rule:
|
|
Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
|
|
%
|
|
Biology grows on you.
|
|
%
|
|
Biology is the only science in which
|
|
multiplication means the same thing as division.
|
|
%
|
|
Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
|
|
nightgowns do with keeping warm.
|
|
-- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
|
|
%
|
|
Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
|
|
%
|
|
birth, n:
|
|
The first and direst of all disasters.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
|
|
%
|
|
Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
|
|
behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
|
|
absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
|
|
time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
|
|
time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
|
|
on the observer's movement in restaurants.
|
|
-- Douglas Adams
|
|
%
|
|
bit, n:
|
|
A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
|
|
refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
|
|
cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
|
|
ago.
|
|
%
|
|
Bit off more than my mind could chew,
|
|
Shower or suicide, what do I do?
|
|
-- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
|
|
%
|
|
Biz is better.
|
|
%
|
|
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
|
|
%
|
|
Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
|
|
are involved in when they burn stores.
|
|
-- Julius Lester
|
|
%
|
|
Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
|
|
Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
|
|
Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
|
|
They were just some of my tropical fish.
|
|
|
|
Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
|
|
Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
|
|
Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
|
|
Now I have many less tropical fish.
|
|
|
|
If you think that
|
|
Fish are peaceful
|
|
That's an empty wish.
|
|
Just dump them together
|
|
And leave them alone,
|
|
And soon you will have -- no fish.
|
|
-- To My Favorite Things
|
|
%
|
|
Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
|
|
The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
|
|
A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
|
|
She wants to hit those bricks,
|
|
'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
|
|
While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
|
|
The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
|
|
I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
|
|
I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
|
|
-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
|
|
%
|
|
Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
|
|
%
|
|
Blessed are the forgetful: for they
|
|
get the better even of their blunders.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
|
|
%
|
|
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
|
|
-- Herbert Hoover
|
|
%
|
|
Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
|
|
to say it.
|
|
-- James Russell Lowell
|
|
%
|
|
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
|
|
for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
|
|
%
|
|
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
|
|
-- W.C. Bennett
|
|
%
|
|
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
|
|
-- Alexander Pope
|
|
%
|
|
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
|
|
for he shall enjoy living.
|
|
-- W.C. Bennett
|
|
%
|
|
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
|
|
abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
|
|
-- George Eliot
|
|
%
|
|
Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
|
|
-- David Nichols
|
|
%
|
|
blithwapping:
|
|
Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
|
|
wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
|
|
%
|
|
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
|
|
The judge's jokes are always funny.
|
|
%
|
|
Blow it out your ear.
|
|
%
|
|
Blue paint today.
|
|
[Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Blutarsky's Axiom:
|
|
Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
|
|
%
|
|
Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
|
|
%
|
|
Boling's postulate:
|
|
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
|
|
%
|
|
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
|
|
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
|
|
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
|
|
%
|
|
Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
|
|
seemed to come from Texas.
|
|
-- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
|
|
%
|
|
Bondage maybe, discipline never!
|
|
-- T.K.
|
|
%
|
|
Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
|
|
%
|
|
Boob's Law:
|
|
You always find something in the last place you look.
|
|
%
|
|
Booker's Law:
|
|
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
|
|
%
|
|
Bore, n:
|
|
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
boss, n:
|
|
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
|
|
words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
|
|
in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
|
|
ornamental stud."
|
|
%
|
|
Boston:
|
|
An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
|
|
%
|
|
Boston:
|
|
Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports
|
|
fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
|
|
%
|
|
Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
|
|
interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
|
|
on the same communications line connection.
|
|
-- Bell System Technical Reference
|
|
%
|
|
Boucher's Observation:
|
|
He who blows his own horn always plays the music
|
|
several octaves higher than originally written.
|
|
%
|
|
Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
|
|
-- Ralph Lewin
|
|
%
|
|
Bower's Law:
|
|
Talent goes where the action is.
|
|
%
|
|
Bowie's Theorem:
|
|
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
|
|
%
|
|
Boy! Eucalyptus!
|
|
%
|
|
Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
|
|
You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
|
|
Save your heart and let your body be enough,
|
|
To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
|
|
Save your heart and let your body be enough,
|
|
And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
|
|
-- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
|
|
%
|
|
Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
|
|
'Advanced Systems Development' group!
|
|
%
|
|
boy, n:
|
|
A noise with dirt on it.
|
|
%
|
|
Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
|
|
%
|
|
Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
|
|
%
|
|
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
|
|
-- Kin Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
|
|
together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
|
|
tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
|
|
on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
|
|
They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
|
|
clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
|
|
Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
|
|
well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
|
|
like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
|
|
which is all the time.
|
|
-- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
|
|
%
|
|
Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique:
|
|
an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently
|
|
anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as
|
|
`Constructive Snottiness.'
|
|
-- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style"
|
|
%
|
|
Bradley's Bromide:
|
|
If computers get too powerful, we can organize
|
|
them into a committee -- that will do them in.
|
|
%
|
|
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
|
|
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
|
|
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
|
|
have handled this?"
|
|
%
|
|
Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
|
|
wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.
|
|
-- The Mahabharata
|
|
%
|
|
Brain fried -- core dumped
|
|
%
|
|
brain, n:
|
|
The apparatus with which we think that we think.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
|
|
To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
|
|
of error in an opponent.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
|
|
theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
|
|
Multics, adj:
|
|
Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
|
|
that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
|
|
because he/she should have known better. Calling something
|
|
brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
|
|
%
|
|
Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
|
|
is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
|
|
off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
|
|
single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
|
|
kept going, sliding safely into third base.
|
|
With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
|
|
bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
|
|
Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
|
|
took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
|
|
I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
|
|
start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
|
|
into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
|
|
shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
|
|
-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
|
|
%
|
|
Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
|
|
-- Charles Lamb
|
|
%
|
|
Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
|
|
-- Randy Goebel
|
|
%
|
|
Break into jail and claim police brutality.
|
|
%
|
|
Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
|
|
Watch lights fade from every room.
|
|
Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
|
|
another day's useless energies spent.
|
|
|
|
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
|
|
Lonely man cries for love and has none.
|
|
New mother picks up and suckles her son.
|
|
Senior citizens wish they were young.
|
|
|
|
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
|
|
Removes the colors from our sight.
|
|
Red is grey and yellow white.
|
|
But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
|
|
-- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
|
|
%
|
|
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
|
|
%
|
|
bride, n:
|
|
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
|
|
%
|
|
Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
|
|
%
|
|
briefcase, n:
|
|
A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
|
|
%
|
|
Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
|
|
data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
|
|
an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
|
|
and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
|
|
which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
|
|
in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
|
|
hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
|
|
construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
|
|
assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
|
|
only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
|
|
of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
|
|
analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
|
|
appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
|
|
-- A. Benjamin
|
|
%
|
|
Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
|
|
girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
|
|
i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
|
|
e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
|
|
|
|
"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
|
|
dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
|
|
fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
|
|
metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
|
|
-- "The Jabberwock"
|
|
%
|
|
Bringing computers into the home won't change
|
|
either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
|
|
%
|
|
Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
|
|
more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
|
|
If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
|
|
brusque, your character.
|
|
-- Jonathan Swift
|
|
%
|
|
British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
|
|
it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
|
|
-- Peter Ustinov
|
|
%
|
|
British Israelites:
|
|
The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
|
|
be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
|
|
on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
|
|
can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
|
|
means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
|
|
believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
|
|
and take all your teeth.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
broad-mindedness, n:
|
|
The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
|
|
%
|
|
Brogan's Constant:
|
|
People tend to congregate in the back
|
|
of the church and the front of the bus.
|
|
%
|
|
brokee, n:
|
|
Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
|
|
%
|
|
Brooke's Law:
|
|
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
|
|
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
|
|
expands it beyond recognition.
|
|
%
|
|
BS: You remind me of a man.
|
|
B: What man?
|
|
BS: The man with the power.
|
|
B: What power?
|
|
BS: The power of voodoo.
|
|
B: Voodoo?
|
|
BS: You do.
|
|
B: Do what?
|
|
BS: Remind me of a man.
|
|
B: What man?
|
|
BS: The man with the power...
|
|
-- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
|
|
%
|
|
Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
|
|
%
|
|
Bucy's Law:
|
|
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
|
|
%
|
|
Bug:
|
|
An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
|
|
The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends
|
|
when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
|
|
%
|
|
bug, n:
|
|
An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
|
|
The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
|
|
when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
|
|
-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
|
|
%
|
|
Build a system that even a fool can use
|
|
and only a fool will want to use it.
|
|
%
|
|
Building translators is good clean fun.
|
|
-- T. Cheatham
|
|
%
|
|
Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit.
|
|
General: What does that make YOU?
|
|
Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.
|
|
%
|
|
Bumper sticker:
|
|
All the parts falling off this car are
|
|
of the very finest British manufacture.
|
|
%
|
|
Bunker's Admonition:
|
|
You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
|
|
%
|
|
BURBULATION:
|
|
The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
|
|
an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Bureau Termination, Law of:
|
|
When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
|
|
the number of employees in that bureau will double within
|
|
12 months after the decision is made.
|
|
%
|
|
bureaucracy, n:
|
|
A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
|
|
%
|
|
bureaucrat, n:
|
|
A politician who has tenure.
|
|
%
|
|
Burke's Postulates:
|
|
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
|
|
Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
|
|
%
|
|
Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
|
|
-- Ken Weaver
|
|
%
|
|
Bus error -- driver executed.
|
|
%
|
|
Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
|
|
%
|
|
Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
|
|
%
|
|
Business is a good game -- lots of competition
|
|
and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
|
|
-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
|
|
%
|
|
Business will be either better or worse.
|
|
-- Calvin Coolidge
|
|
%
|
|
...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
|
|
proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
|
|
to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
|
|
were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
|
|
unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
|
|
in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
|
|
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If
|
|
there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
|
|
of value.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
|
|
%
|
|
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
|
|
%
|
|
But has any little atom,
|
|
While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
|
|
Ever stopped to think or CARE
|
|
That E = m c**2 ?
|
|
%
|
|
"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
|
|
"Tell 'em I lied."
|
|
%
|
|
But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
|
|
I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
|
|
kill more than I could eat.
|
|
-- Raoul Duke
|
|
%
|
|
But I don't like Spam!!!!
|
|
%
|
|
"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
|
|
"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
|
|
"But I'm feeling much better..."
|
|
"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
|
|
-- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
|
|
%
|
|
But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
|
|
back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
|
|
what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
|
|
to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
|
|
true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
|
|
theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
|
|
even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
|
|
crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
|
|
that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
|
|
with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
|
|
everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
|
|
therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
|
|
arrogance down.
|
|
-- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
|
|
%
|
|
But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
|
|
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
|
|
we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
|
|
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
|
|
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
|
|
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
|
|
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
|
|
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
|
|
finite or an infinite number.
|
|
-- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
|
|
%
|
|
But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
|
|
nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
|
|
-- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
|
|
%
|
|
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
|
|
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
|
|
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
|
|
-- Bruce Leverett,
|
|
"Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
|
|
%
|
|
But it does move!
|
|
-- Galileo Galilei
|
|
%
|
|
But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
|
|
%
|
|
But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
|
|
In proving foresight may be vain:
|
|
The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
|
|
Gang aft a-gley,
|
|
An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
|
|
For promised joy.
|
|
-- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
|
|
%
|
|
But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
|
|
%
|
|
But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
|
|
%
|
|
But scientists, who ought to know
|
|
Assure us that it must be so.
|
|
Oh, let us never, never doubt
|
|
What nobody is sure about.
|
|
-- Hilaire Belloc
|
|
%
|
|
But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
|
|
%
|
|
But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
|
|
frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
|
|
-- M. Proust
|
|
%
|
|
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
|
|
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
|
|
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
|
|
-- Mark "The Bard" Twain
|
|
%
|
|
But these pills can't be habit forming;
|
|
I've been taking them for years.
|
|
%
|
|
But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
|
|
place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
|
|
Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
|
|
is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
|
|
enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
|
|
Have I explained yet about the bytes?
|
|
%
|
|
But you shall not escape my iambics.
|
|
-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
|
|
%
|
|
But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
|
|
reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
|
|
those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
|
|
-- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
|
|
%
|
|
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
|
|
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
|
|
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
|
|
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
|
|
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
|
|
Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
|
|
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
|
|
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
|
|
Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
|
|
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
|
|
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
|
|
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
|
|
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
|
|
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
|
|
%
|
|
buzzword, n:
|
|
The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
|
|
%
|
|
By doing just a little every day, you can
|
|
gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
|
|
%
|
|
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
|
|
%
|
|
By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
|
|
designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
|
|
-- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
|
|
Fool's column.
|
|
%
|
|
By nature, men are nearly alike;
|
|
by practice, they get to be wide apart.
|
|
-- Confucius
|
|
%
|
|
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
|
|
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
|
|
as it is to invent.
|
|
-- R. Emerson
|
|
-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
|
|
(whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
|
|
[to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
|
|
misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
|
|
-- Charles Spurgeon
|
|
%
|
|
By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
|
|
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
|
|
%
|
|
By the time you swear you're his,
|
|
shivering and sighing
|
|
and he vows his passion is
|
|
infinite, undying --
|
|
Lady, make a note of this:
|
|
One of you is lying.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
|
|
%
|
|
By the yard, life is hard.
|
|
By the inch, it's a cinch.
|
|
%
|
|
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
|
|
Another man's, I mean.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
By working faithfully eight hours a day,
|
|
you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
|
|
-- Robert Frost
|
|
%
|
|
byob, v:
|
|
Believing Your Own Bull
|
|
%
|
|
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
|
|
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
|
|
fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
|
|
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
|
|
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
|
|
that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often
|
|
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
|
|
they wanted to be.
|
|
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
|
|
%
|
|
BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
|
|
carefully print the chaff.
|
|
%
|
|
Byte your tongue.
|
|
%
|
|
C Code.
|
|
C Code Run.
|
|
Run, Code, RUN!
|
|
PLEASE!!!!
|
|
%
|
|
C for yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
|
|
%
|
|
C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
|
|
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
|
|
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
|
|
%
|
|
C, n:
|
|
A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
|
|
assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
|
|
else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
|
|
it isn't.
|
|
-- Ray Simard
|
|
%
|
|
cabbage, n:
|
|
A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
|
|
a man's head.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Cache:
|
|
A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
|
|
is supposed to know is there.
|
|
%
|
|
Cahn's Axiom:
|
|
When all else fails, read the instructions.
|
|
%
|
|
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
|
|
-- Fred Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
|
|
and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
|
|
coffee.
|
|
%
|
|
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
|
|
-- Indian proverb
|
|
%
|
|
Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
|
|
current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
|
|
damnation.
|
|
-- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
|
|
Life of Hall"
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to logical names.]
|
|
%
|
|
Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target
|
|
Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
|
|
%
|
|
Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
|
|
-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
|
|
%
|
|
Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes.
|
|
%
|
|
Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
|
|
Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
|
|
Calm down, and speak to me in English,
|
|
Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
|
|
%
|
|
Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
|
|
Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
|
|
Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
|
|
%
|
|
Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
|
|
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
|
|
%
|
|
Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
|
|
who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
|
|
-- Clarence Darrow
|
|
%
|
|
Campbell's Law:
|
|
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
|
|
%
|
|
Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
|
|
%
|
|
Can anyone remember when the times
|
|
were not hard, and money not scarce?
|
|
%
|
|
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
|
|
Yes, work never begun.
|
|
%
|
|
Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
|
|
only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
|
|
-- Robert J. Ringer
|
|
%
|
|
Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
|
|
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
|
|
|
|
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
|
|
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
|
|
%
|
|
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
|
|
It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
|
|
-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
|
|
%
|
|
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
|
|
This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
|
|
but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
|
|
poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
|
|
when you're poor and unhappy.
|
|
%
|
|
Canonical, adj.:
|
|
The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
|
|
One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
|
|
of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
|
|
much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
|
|
Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
|
|
fashion without thinking.
|
|
Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
|
|
Stallman: "What did he say?"
|
|
Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
|
|
%
|
|
Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
|
|
-- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
|
|
Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
|
|
%
|
|
Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
|
|
%
|
|
Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
|
|
%
|
|
Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
|
|
the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
|
|
-- John Maynard Keynes
|
|
%
|
|
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
|
|
Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
|
|
part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
|
|
luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
|
|
a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
|
|
don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
|
|
%
|
|
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
|
|
Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
|
|
else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
|
|
it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
|
|
%
|
|
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
|
|
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
|
|
much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
|
|
of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
|
|
too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
|
|
%
|
|
Captain Penny's Law:
|
|
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
|
|
some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
|
|
%
|
|
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
|
|
%
|
|
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
|
|
Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
|
|
mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
|
|
takes.
|
|
%
|
|
Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
|
|
the name Craney incorrectly.
|
|
-- Jim Canrey
|
|
%
|
|
Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
|
|
fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
|
|
the same can be said of dirt.
|
|
%
|
|
carperpetuation, n:
|
|
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen
|
|
times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting
|
|
it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
Carson's Consolation:
|
|
Nothing is ever a complete failure.
|
|
It can always be used as a bad example.
|
|
%
|
|
Carson's Observation on Footwear:
|
|
If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
|
|
%
|
|
Carswell's Corollary:
|
|
Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
|
|
nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
|
|
%
|
|
Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
|
|
-- The Beach Boys
|
|
%
|
|
Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
|
|
-- Howard Chaykin
|
|
%
|
|
Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
|
|
%
|
|
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
|
|
-- Garrison Keillor
|
|
%
|
|
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
|
|
a sled through the snow.
|
|
%
|
|
Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
|
|
%
|
|
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
|
|
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
|
|
%
|
|
Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
|
|
%
|
|
Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
|
|
%
|
|
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
|
|
%
|
|
CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
|
|
%
|
|
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
|
|
%
|
|
Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
|
|
of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
|
|
incorrect model can be a useful tool.
|
|
-- Kelvin Throop III
|
|
%
|
|
Census Taker to Housewife:
|
|
Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
|
|
%
|
|
Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
|
|
%
|
|
cerebral atrophy, n:
|
|
The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
|
|
impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
|
|
symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
|
|
performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
|
|
everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
|
|
and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
|
|
victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
|
|
|
|
cerebral darwinism, n:
|
|
The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
|
|
through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
|
|
alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
|
|
the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
|
|
first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
|
|
imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
|
|
Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
|
|
performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
|
|
%
|
|
Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
|
|
Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something
|
|
Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out
|
|
of it?
|
|
Jaka: Oooh.
|
|
Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
|
|
-- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret"
|
|
%
|
|
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
|
|
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
|
|
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
|
|
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
|
|
not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
|
|
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
|
|
others who have tried it.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
|
|
most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
|
|
Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
|
|
reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
|
|
nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
|
|
but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
|
|
nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
|
|
-- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
|
|
%
|
|
Certainly the game is rigged.
|
|
Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
|
|
-- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
|
|
%
|
|
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
|
|
But it's very funny --
|
|
did you ever try buying them without money?
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
|
|
%
|
|
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
|
|
-- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
|
|
%
|
|
CF&C stole it, fair and square.
|
|
-- Tim Hahn
|
|
%
|
|
Chairman of the Bored.
|
|
%
|
|
Chamberlain's Laws:
|
|
1: The big guys always win.
|
|
2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
|
|
%
|
|
Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
|
|
Ain't nobody's business but my own.
|
|
-- Taj Mahal
|
|
%
|
|
Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
|
|
-- Anatole France
|
|
%
|
|
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
|
|
%
|
|
Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
|
|
-- Kathleen Norris
|
|
%
|
|
Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
|
|
%
|
|
Chapter 1:
|
|
The story so far:
|
|
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made
|
|
a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
|
|
%
|
|
Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
|
|
|
|
The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
|
|
Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
|
|
that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
|
|
quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
|
|
mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
|
|
a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
|
|
can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
|
|
race in general.
|
|
%
|
|
character density, n.:
|
|
The number of very weird people in the office.
|
|
%
|
|
Character is what you are in the dark!
|
|
-- Lord John Whorfin
|
|
%
|
|
CHARITY:
|
|
A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
|
|
%
|
|
Charity begins at home.
|
|
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
|
|
%
|
|
Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
|
|
Linus: To make others happy.
|
|
Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
|
|
%
|
|
Charlie was a chemist,
|
|
But Charlie is no more.
|
|
What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
|
|
%
|
|
Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
|
|
without having asked any clear question.
|
|
%
|
|
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
|
|
%
|
|
Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
|
|
they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
|
|
%
|
|
checkuary, n:
|
|
The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
|
|
when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
|
|
%
|
|
Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
|
|
%
|
|
Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
|
|
-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
|
|
%
|
|
Chef, n:
|
|
Any cook who swears in French.
|
|
%
|
|
Cheit's Lament:
|
|
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
|
|
the next time he's in need.
|
|
%
|
|
CHEMICALS:
|
|
Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
|
|
%
|
|
Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
|
|
%
|
|
Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
|
|
%
|
|
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
|
|
%
|
|
Cheops' Law:
|
|
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
|
|
%
|
|
"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
|
|
which way I ought to go from here?"
|
|
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
|
|
"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
|
|
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
|
|
%
|
|
Chess tonight.
|
|
%
|
|
CHICAGO:
|
|
Where the dead still vote... early and often!
|
|
%
|
|
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
|
|
Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
|
|
headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
|
|
-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
|
|
%
|
|
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
|
|
The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
|
|
for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
|
|
cheerfully baste you.
|
|
-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
|
|
%
|
|
Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
|
|
Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
|
|
%
|
|
Chicken Little was right.
|
|
%
|
|
Chicken Soup:
|
|
An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
|
|
cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
|
|
can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
|
|
-- Arthur Naiman
|
|
%
|
|
Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
|
|
shivers when it's warm.
|
|
%
|
|
Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
|
|
them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
|
|
%
|
|
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
|
|
despite every effort to teach them good manners.
|
|
%
|
|
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
|
|
going to catch you in next.
|
|
-- Franklin P. Jones
|
|
%
|
|
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
|
|
And that's what parents were created for.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
|
|
Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
|
|
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
|
|
%
|
|
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
|
|
-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
|
|
%
|
|
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
|
|
%
|
|
Chism's Law of Completion:
|
|
The amount of time required to complete a government project is
|
|
precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
|
|
%
|
|
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
|
|
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
|
|
%
|
|
Chocolate Chip.
|
|
%
|
|
Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
|
|
a friend if she were a man.
|
|
-- Joubert
|
|
%
|
|
Chorus:
|
|
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
|
|
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
|
|
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
|
|
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
|
|
She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
|
|
And we begged her not to go.
|
|
But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
|
|
And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
|
|
out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
|
|
And incriminating claus-marks on her
|
|
Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
|
|
He's been taking this so well.
|
|
See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
|
|
Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
|
|
with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
|
|
They should never give a license,
|
|
To a man who drives a sleigh and
|
|
plays with elves!
|
|
-- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
|
|
%
|
|
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
|
|
%
|
|
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
|
|
difficult and not tried.
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton
|
|
%
|
|
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
|
|
Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
|
|
Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
|
|
Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
|
|
|
|
On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
|
|
Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
|
|
There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
|
|
The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
|
|
|
|
It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
|
|
It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
|
|
Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
|
|
What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
|
|
Angels We Have Heard On High,
|
|
Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
|
|
Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
|
|
Driving his reindeer across the sky,
|
|
Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer
|
|
%
|
|
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
|
|
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
|
|
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
|
|
%
|
|
CIGARETTE:
|
|
A fire at one end, a fool at the other,
|
|
and a bit of tobacco in between.
|
|
%
|
|
CINEMUCK:
|
|
The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate
|
|
which covers the floors of movie theaters.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
|
|
-- Herodotus
|
|
%
|
|
Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
|
|
-- Calvin Coolidge
|
|
%
|
|
Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
|
|
See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
|
|
%
|
|
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
clairvoyant, n.:
|
|
A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
|
|
which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
|
|
aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
Clarke's Conclusion:
|
|
Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
|
|
%
|
|
Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
|
|
Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
|
|
-- "Bugsy" Siegel
|
|
%
|
|
Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
|
|
leading the parade.
|
|
-- Bill Battie
|
|
%
|
|
Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
|
|
-- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
|
|
%
|
|
Clay's Conclusion:
|
|
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
|
|
%
|
|
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
|
|
the walk before it stops snowing.
|
|
-- Phyllis Diller
|
|
|
|
There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
|
|
the dirt doesn't get any worse.
|
|
-- Quentin Crisp
|
|
%
|
|
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
|
|
-- P.J. O'Rourke
|
|
%
|
|
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
|
|
%
|
|
CLEVELAND:
|
|
Where their last tornado did six
|
|
million dollars worth of improvements.
|
|
%
|
|
Cleveland?
|
|
Yes, I spent a week there one day.
|
|
%
|
|
Climate and Surgery
|
|
R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
|
|
received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
|
|
the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
|
|
day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
|
|
riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
|
|
recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
|
|
-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
|
|
%
|
|
Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
|
|
"Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
|
|
"Well, yes, I am."
|
|
"Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
|
|
The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
|
|
me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
|
|
passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
|
|
please?" it asked the bartender.
|
|
The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
|
|
"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
|
|
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
|
|
%
|
|
clone, n:
|
|
1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
|
|
product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
|
|
is a clone of our product."
|
|
%
|
|
Clones are people two.
|
|
%
|
|
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
|
|
%
|
|
Clothes make the man.
|
|
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
|
|
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
|
|
than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
|
|
bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
|
|
%
|
|
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
|
|
Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
|
|
-- Cheers, No Help Wanted
|
|
|
|
Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
|
|
-- Cheers, No Help Wanted
|
|
|
|
Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
|
|
Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
|
|
-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
|
|
%
|
|
Coach: How's it going, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
|
|
-- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
|
|
|
|
Sam: What's up, Norm?
|
|
Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
|
|
-- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
|
|
|
|
Coach: What's the story, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
|
|
-- Cheers, Endless Slumper
|
|
%
|
|
Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
|
|
Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
|
|
-- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
|
|
|
|
Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
|
|
Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
|
|
-- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
|
|
|
|
Sam: What will you have, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
|
|
of whatever comes out of that tap.
|
|
Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
|
|
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
|
|
-- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
|
|
%
|
|
Coach: What's up, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
|
|
-- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
|
|
|
|
Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
|
|
Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
|
|
-- Cheers, Snow Job
|
|
|
|
Coach: Beer, Normie?
|
|
Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
|
|
Eh, why not, I'm still young.
|
|
-- Cheers, Snow Job
|
|
%
|
|
COBOL:
|
|
An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
|
|
%
|
|
COBOL:
|
|
Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
|
|
%
|
|
COBOL is for morons.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
|
|
%
|
|
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
|
|
%
|
|
Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
|
|
terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
|
|
%
|
|
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
|
|
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Cohen's Law:
|
|
There is no bottom to worse.
|
|
%
|
|
Cohn's Law:
|
|
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
|
|
time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
|
|
all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
|
|
%
|
|
Coincidences are spiritual puns.
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton
|
|
%
|
|
COLD:
|
|
When the politicians walk around
|
|
with their hands in their own pockets.
|
|
%
|
|
Cold hands, no gloves.
|
|
%
|
|
Cole's Law:
|
|
Thinly sliced cabbage.
|
|
%
|
|
COLLABORATION:
|
|
A literary partnership based on the false
|
|
assumption that the other fellow can spell.
|
|
%
|
|
COLLEGE:
|
|
The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
|
|
%
|
|
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
|
|
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
|
|
the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
|
|
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
|
|
loss to humanity.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
COLORADO:
|
|
Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
|
|
%
|
|
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
|
|
%
|
|
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
|
|
|
|
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
|
|
1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
|
|
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
|
|
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
|
|
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
|
|
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
|
|
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
|
|
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
|
|
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
|
|
9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
|
|
|
|
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
|
|
the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
|
|
"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
|
|
virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
|
|
one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
|
|
"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
|
|
-- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
|
|
%
|
|
Colvard's Logical Premises:
|
|
All probabilities are 50%.
|
|
Either a thing will happen or it won't.
|
|
|
|
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
|
|
This is especially true when
|
|
dealing with someone you're attracted to.
|
|
|
|
Grelb's Commentary:
|
|
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
|
|
%
|
|
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
|
|
And every vector dreams of matrices.
|
|
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
|
|
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
|
|
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
|
|
%
|
|
Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
|
|
Your winter garment of repentance fling.
|
|
The bird of time has but a little way
|
|
To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
|
|
-- Omar Khayyam
|
|
%
|
|
Come home America.
|
|
-- George McGovern, 1972
|
|
%
|
|
Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
|
|
Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
|
|
-- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
|
|
%
|
|
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
|
|
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
|
|
Their indices bedecked from one to n,
|
|
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
|
|
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
|
|
%
|
|
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
|
|
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
|
|
Their indices bedecked from one to n,
|
|
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
|
|
|
|
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
|
|
And every vector dreams of matrices.
|
|
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
|
|
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
|
|
|
|
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
|
|
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
|
|
Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
|
|
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
|
|
-- The Cyberiad
|
|
%
|
|
Come live with me, and be my love,
|
|
And we will some new pleasures prove
|
|
Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
|
|
With silken lines, and silver hooks.
|
|
-- John Donne
|
|
%
|
|
Come live with me and be my love,
|
|
And we will some new pleasures prove
|
|
Of golden sands and crystal brooks
|
|
With silken lines, and silver hooks.
|
|
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
|
|
If you would be my POSSLQ.
|
|
|
|
You live with me, and I with you,
|
|
And you will be my POSSLQ.
|
|
I'll be your friend and so much more;
|
|
That's what a POSSLQ is for.
|
|
|
|
And everything we will confess;
|
|
Yes, even to the IRS.
|
|
Some day on what we both may earn,
|
|
Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
|
|
You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
|
|
You'll share my life - up to a point!
|
|
And that you'll be so glad to do,
|
|
Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
|
|
%
|
|
Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
|
|
-- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
|
|
%
|
|
Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
|
|
-- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
|
|
%
|
|
Come, you spirits
|
|
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
|
|
And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
|
|
Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
|
|
Stop up the access and passage to remorse
|
|
That no compunctious visiting of nature
|
|
Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
|
|
The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
|
|
And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
|
|
Wherever in your sightless substances
|
|
You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
|
|
And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
|
|
That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
|
|
Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
|
|
To cry `Hold, hold!'
|
|
-- Lady MacBeth
|
|
%
|
|
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
|
|
%
|
|
Coming to Stores Near You:
|
|
|
|
101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
|
|
|
|
(You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
|
|
It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
|
|
I'm Not Misbehaving
|
|
|
|
And A Whole Lot More...
|
|
%
|
|
Coming together is a beginning;
|
|
keeping together is progress;
|
|
working together is success.
|
|
%
|
|
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
|
|
%
|
|
COMMITMENT:
|
|
Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
|
|
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
|
|
%
|
|
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
|
|
-- Josh Billings
|
|
|
|
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
|
|
Everyone thinks he has enough.
|
|
-- Descartes, 1637
|
|
%
|
|
Commoner's three laws of ecology:
|
|
1) No action is without side-effects.
|
|
2) Nothing ever goes away.
|
|
3) There is no free lunch.
|
|
%
|
|
Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
|
|
%
|
|
Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
|
|
has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
|
|
either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
|
|
stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
|
|
misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
|
|
the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
|
|
characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
|
|
-- Dan Klein
|
|
%
|
|
COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
|
|
one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
|
|
-- J.N. Gray
|
|
%
|
|
Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
|
|
is in the eye of the beholder.
|
|
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
|
|
%
|
|
Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
|
|
courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
|
|
be enough.
|
|
-- Gene Scott
|
|
%
|
|
COMPLEX SYSTEM:
|
|
One with real problems and imaginary profits.
|
|
%
|
|
COMPLIMENT:
|
|
When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
|
|
%
|
|
compuberty, n:
|
|
The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
|
|
computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
|
|
a sun4 is put online sharing files.
|
|
%
|
|
COMPUTER:
|
|
An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
|
|
totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
|
|
this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
|
|
%
|
|
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
|
|
%
|
|
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
|
|
%
|
|
Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
|
|
%
|
|
COMPUTER SCIENCE:
|
|
1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
|
|
precision of the former and the success of the latter.
|
|
2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
|
|
3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
|
|
4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
|
|
5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
|
|
6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
|
|
%
|
|
Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
|
|
adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
|
|
-- Jim Horning
|
|
%
|
|
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
|
|
%
|
|
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
|
|
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
|
|
-- Gilb
|
|
%
|
|
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
|
|
-- Pablo Picasso
|
|
%
|
|
Computers don't actually think.
|
|
You just think they think.
|
|
(We think.)
|
|
%
|
|
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
|
|
-- LaRouchefoucauld
|
|
%
|
|
CONCEPT:
|
|
Any "idea" for which an outside
|
|
consultant billed you more than $25,000.
|
|
%
|
|
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
|
|
from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
|
|
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
|
|
%
|
|
Condense soup, not books!
|
|
%
|
|
CONFERENCE:
|
|
A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
|
|
what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
|
|
he's already decided to do.
|
|
%
|
|
Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
|
|
confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
|
|
-- Josh Billings
|
|
%
|
|
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
|
|
%
|
|
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
|
|
that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
|
|
-- Peter de Vries
|
|
%
|
|
Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
|
|
the reputation.
|
|
-- Lord Thomas Dewar
|
|
%
|
|
Confidant, confidante, n:
|
|
One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
|
|
fall flag on your face.
|
|
-- Dr. L. Binder
|
|
%
|
|
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
|
|
%
|
|
CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
|
|
A man who goes through life without a hitch.
|
|
%
|
|
Conflicting research paradigms
|
|
Have legitimized various crimes.
|
|
The worst we can see
|
|
Is in psychology,
|
|
Measuring reaction times.
|
|
%
|
|
Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
|
|
%
|
|
Confucius say too damn much!
|
|
%
|
|
Confucius say too much.
|
|
-- Recent Chinese Proverb
|
|
%
|
|
Confusion will be my epitaph
|
|
as I walk a cracked and broken path
|
|
If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
|
|
but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
|
|
-- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
|
|
%
|
|
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
|
|
If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
|
|
hesitate to ask!
|
|
%
|
|
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
|
|
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
|
|
undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
|
|
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
|
|
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
|
|
YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
|
|
THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
|
|
SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
|
|
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING
|
|
TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES
|
|
RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
|
|
|
|
He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
|
|
Year award.
|
|
%
|
|
Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
|
|
|
|
Mathematician's Proof:
|
|
3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
|
|
odd numbers are prime.
|
|
Physicist's Proof:
|
|
3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
|
|
error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
|
|
Engineer's Proof:
|
|
3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
|
|
11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
|
|
Computer Scientists's Proof:
|
|
3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
|
|
%
|
|
Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
|
|
%
|
|
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
|
|
-- Shakespeare
|
|
%
|
|
Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
|
|
when everything else feels great.
|
|
%
|
|
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
|
|
%
|
|
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
|
|
%
|
|
CONSENT DECREE:
|
|
A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
|
|
in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
|
|
never admitted to in the first place.
|
|
%
|
|
Conservative:
|
|
One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
|
|
-- Leo C. Rosten
|
|
%
|
|
Conservative, n:
|
|
A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
|
|
from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
|
|
-- Professor in the UCB physics department
|
|
%
|
|
Consider the following axioms carefully:
|
|
"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
|
|
and
|
|
"Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
|
|
What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
|
|
thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
|
|
consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
|
|
%
|
|
Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
|
|
it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
|
|
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
|
|
%
|
|
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
|
|
the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
|
|
-- Josh Billings
|
|
%
|
|
CONSULTANT:
|
|
(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
|
|
you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
|
|
of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
|
|
Calculator, Will Travel.
|
|
%
|
|
CONSULTANT:
|
|
An ordinary man a long way from home.
|
|
%
|
|
CONSULTANT:
|
|
[From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
|
|
(vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
|
|
"insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
|
|
has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
|
|
and heavy wallet.
|
|
%
|
|
CONSULTANT:
|
|
Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
|
|
lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
|
|
%
|
|
Consultants are mystical people who ask a
|
|
company for a number and then give it back to them.
|
|
%
|
|
CONSULTATION:
|
|
Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
|
|
%
|
|
Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
|
|
the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
|
|
we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
|
|
will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
|
|
seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
|
|
-- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
|
|
%
|
|
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
|
|
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
Convention is the ruler of all.
|
|
-- Pindar
|
|
%
|
|
CONVERSATION:
|
|
A vocal competition in which the one who
|
|
is catching his breath is called the listener.
|
|
%
|
|
Conversation enriches the understanding,
|
|
but solitude is the school of genius.
|
|
%
|
|
Conway's Law:
|
|
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
|
|
what is going on.
|
|
|
|
This person must be fired.
|
|
%
|
|
Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
|
|
line-up.
|
|
-- Raymond Chandler
|
|
%
|
|
COPYING MACHINE:
|
|
A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
|
|
and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
|
|
interested in reading them.
|
|
%
|
|
Coronation, n:
|
|
The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
|
|
signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
Correspondence Corollary:
|
|
An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
|
|
your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
|
|
%
|
|
CORRUPT:
|
|
In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
|
|
%
|
|
Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
|
|
of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
|
|
capitalism.
|
|
-- Walter Lippmann
|
|
%
|
|
Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
|
|
His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
|
|
-- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan
|
|
%
|
|
Corry's Law:
|
|
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
|
|
%
|
|
Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
|
|
at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
|
|
the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
|
|
mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
|
|
being easier to stake.
|
|
%
|
|
Counting in binary is just like counting
|
|
in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
|
|
-- Glaser and Way
|
|
%
|
|
Counting in octal is just like counting
|
|
in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer
|
|
%
|
|
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
|
|
%
|
|
Courage is grace under pressure.
|
|
%
|
|
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Courage is your greatest present need.
|
|
%
|
|
court, n.:
|
|
A place where they dispense with justice.
|
|
-- Arthur Train
|
|
%
|
|
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
|
|
-- William Congreve
|
|
%
|
|
COWARD:
|
|
One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
|
|
%
|
|
[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
|
|
with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
|
|
-- Wernher von Braun
|
|
%
|
|
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
|
|
process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
|
|
attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
|
|
enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
|
|
and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
|
|
between adequacy and excellence.
|
|
%
|
|
Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
|
|
peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
|
|
ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
|
|
say it was obvious all along.
|
|
-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
|
|
%
|
|
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
|
|
%
|
|
Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
|
|
sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
|
|
%
|
|
Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
|
|
-- James Blish
|
|
%
|
|
CREDITOR:
|
|
A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
|
|
%
|
|
Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
|
|
If you are the first to know about something bad,
|
|
you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
|
|
regardless of your formal duties.
|
|
%
|
|
Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
|
|
-- A.E. Newman
|
|
%
|
|
CRITIC:
|
|
A person who boasts himself hard to please
|
|
because nobody tries to please him.
|
|
%
|
|
critic, n.:
|
|
A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
|
|
to please him.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
|
|
-- Zeuxis
|
|
%
|
|
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
|
|
seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
|
|
-- Brendan Behan
|
|
%
|
|
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
|
|
-- Socrates' last words
|
|
%
|
|
Croll's Query:
|
|
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
|
|
%
|
|
Cropp's Law:
|
|
The amount of work done varies inversly
|
|
with the time spent in the office.
|
|
%
|
|
Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
|
|
-- Madonna
|
|
%
|
|
Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
|
|
If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
|
|
will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
|
|
much work has already been done on it.
|
|
%
|
|
Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
|
|
%
|
|
Crush! Kill! Destroy!
|
|
%
|
|
Cthulhu Cthucks!
|
|
%
|
|
Cthulhu for President!
|
|
(If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
|
|
%
|
|
Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
|
|
%
|
|
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
|
|
%
|
|
Cure the disease and kill the patient.
|
|
-- Francis Bacon
|
|
%
|
|
CURSOR:
|
|
One whose program will not run.
|
|
-- Robb Russon
|
|
%
|
|
curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
|
|
environment.
|
|
The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
|
|
addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
|
|
matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
|
|
people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
|
|
Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
|
|
The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
|
|
the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
|
|
order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
|
|
Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
|
|
check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
|
|
possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
|
|
columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
|
|
cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
|
|
with us.
|
|
|
|
MOZ DONG n.
|
|
Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
|
|
Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
|
|
Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
|
|
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
Custer committed Siouxicide.
|
|
%
|
|
Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
|
|
of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
|
|
-- Gerry Youghkins
|
|
|
|
If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
|
|
don't like it.
|
|
-- Gerry Youghkins
|
|
%
|
|
Cutler Webster's Law:
|
|
There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
|
|
is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
|
|
%
|
|
Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
|
|
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
|
|
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
|
|
-- Johnny Hart
|
|
%
|
|
CYNIC:
|
|
Experienced.
|
|
%
|
|
CYNIC:
|
|
One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
|
|
%
|
|
Cynic, n:
|
|
A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
|
|
not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the
|
|
Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
|
|
several of us died of tuberculosis.
|
|
-- Jack Handey
|
|
%
|
|
DALLAS:
|
|
The city that chose Astroturf to
|
|
keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
|
|
%
|
|
Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
|
|
%
|
|
Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
|
|
%
|
|
"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
|
|
%
|
|
Damn braces.
|
|
-- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
|
|
%
|
|
Damn, I need a Coke!
|
|
-- Dr. William DeVries
|
|
[after implanting the first artificial human heart]
|
|
%
|
|
DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
|
|
%
|
|
Dark and lonely on a summer night
|
|
Kill my landlord,
|
|
Kill my landlord.
|
|
The watchdog barkin'
|
|
Do he bite?
|
|
Kill my landlord,
|
|
Kill my landlord.
|
|
Slip in his window.
|
|
Break his neck.
|
|
Then his house I start to wreck
|
|
Got no reason,
|
|
What the heck?
|
|
Kill my landlord,
|
|
Kill my landlord.
|
|
C-I-L-L my landlord!
|
|
-- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
|
|
%
|
|
Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
|
|
opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
|
|
-- Oliver Herford
|
|
%
|
|
Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
|
|
-- Princess Leia Organa
|
|
%
|
|
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
|
|
%
|
|
DATA:
|
|
An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
|
|
%
|
|
DATA:
|
|
Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
|
|
the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
|
|
%
|
|
David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
|
|
|
|
* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
|
|
* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
|
|
* Hourly motel rates
|
|
* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
|
|
* Didn't just give up right away during World War II
|
|
like some countries we could mention
|
|
* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
|
|
* Our well-behaved golf professionals
|
|
* Fabulous babes coast to coast
|
|
%
|
|
Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
|
|
The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
|
|
1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
|
|
%
|
|
Davis's Dictum:
|
|
Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
|
|
%
|
|
DAWN:
|
|
The time when men of reason go to bed.
|
|
%
|
|
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
|
|
%
|
|
DEADWOOD:
|
|
Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
|
|
%
|
|
Dealing with failure is easy:
|
|
Work hard to improve.
|
|
Success is also easy to handle:
|
|
You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
|
|
%
|
|
Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.
|
|
Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work
|
|
hard to improve.
|
|
%
|
|
Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
|
|
all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
|
|
-- C.N. Parkinson
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Emily:
|
|
How can I choose what groups to post in?
|
|
-- Confused
|
|
|
|
Dear Confused:
|
|
Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
|
|
all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
|
|
should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
|
|
Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
|
|
Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
|
|
that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
|
|
expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
|
|
header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
|
|
the fringe groups.
|
|
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Emily:
|
|
I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
|
|
summarize. What should I do?
|
|
-- Editor
|
|
|
|
Dear Editor:
|
|
Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
|
|
that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
|
|
replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
|
|
summarizing a vote.
|
|
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Emily:
|
|
I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
|
|
What should I do?
|
|
-- Doubtful
|
|
|
|
Dear Doubtful:
|
|
Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
|
|
dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
|
|
much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
|
|
mail.
|
|
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Emily:
|
|
I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
|
|
I do?
|
|
-- Angry
|
|
|
|
Dear Angry:
|
|
Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
|
|
between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
|
|
looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
|
|
point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
|
|
lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
|
|
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Emily:
|
|
I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
|
|
tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
|
|
his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
|
|
Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
|
|
-- A Concerned Citizen
|
|
|
|
Dear Concerned:
|
|
Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
|
|
experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
|
|
will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
|
|
represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
|
|
act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
|
|
society.
|
|
Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
|
|
like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
|
|
understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
|
|
literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
|
|
possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
|
|
they are always interested in good stories.
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Emily:
|
|
I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
|
|
to. How about an example?
|
|
-- Still Confused
|
|
|
|
Dear Still:
|
|
Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
|
|
the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
|
|
would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
|
|
big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
|
|
as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
|
|
news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
|
|
The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
|
|
He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
|
|
interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
|
|
soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
|
|
news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
|
|
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
|
|
well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
|
|
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
|
|
You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
|
|
group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
|
|
will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
|
|
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Emily:
|
|
Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
|
|
What should I do?
|
|
-- Forgetful
|
|
|
|
Dear Forgetful:
|
|
Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
|
|
"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
|
|
it is."
|
|
Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
|
|
(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
|
|
signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
|
|
about the signature anyway.
|
|
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Emily, what about test messages?
|
|
-- Concerned
|
|
|
|
Dear Concerned:
|
|
It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
|
|
merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
|
|
ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
|
|
a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
|
|
but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
|
|
by all USEnauts.
|
|
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Freshman,
|
|
You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
|
|
unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
|
|
prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
|
|
mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Lord:
|
|
I just want a one-armed manager so I
|
|
never have to hear "On the other hand", again.
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
|
|
have to eat them.
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Miss Manners:
|
|
My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
|
|
elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
|
|
courses, is all right. Which is correct?
|
|
|
|
Gentle Reader:
|
|
For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
|
|
economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
|
|
of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
|
|
correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Miss Manners:
|
|
I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
|
|
rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
|
|
This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
|
|
protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
|
|
soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
|
|
and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
|
|
umbrella without seeming insulting?
|
|
|
|
Gentle Reader:
|
|
Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
|
|
although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
|
|
attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
|
|
Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
|
|
before making your attack.
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of
|
|
this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be
|
|
watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for
|
|
a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky
|
|
Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food
|
|
such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete
|
|
breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast",
|
|
or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make
|
|
essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of
|
|
shaving cream there, or a dead bat?
|
|
|
|
Answer: Yes.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
|
|
|
|
Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
|
|
to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
|
|
WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
|
|
Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
|
|
small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
|
|
words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Ms. Postnews:
|
|
I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
|
|
should I do?
|
|
-- Eager Beaver
|
|
|
|
Dear Eager:
|
|
No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
|
|
read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
|
|
posting it. All others please ignore."
|
|
This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
|
|
over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
|
|
time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
|
|
maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
|
|
your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
|
|
directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
|
|
as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
|
|
And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
|
|
money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
|
|
letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
|
|
Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
|
|
so post it as many places as you can.
|
|
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
|
|
%
|
|
Dear Sir,
|
|
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
|
|
to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
|
|
places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
|
|
being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
|
|
employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
|
|
Yours faithfully,
|
|
Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
|
|
Sevenoaks
|
|
-- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
|
|
%
|
|
DEATH:
|
|
To stop sinning suddenly.
|
|
-- Elbert Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
Death before dishonor.
|
|
But neither before breakfast.
|
|
%
|
|
Death comes on every passing breeze,
|
|
He lurks in every flower;
|
|
Each season has its own disease,
|
|
Its peril -- every hour.
|
|
--Reginald Heber
|
|
%
|
|
Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
|
|
%
|
|
Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
|
|
of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
|
|
-- Erma Bombeck
|
|
%
|
|
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
|
|
%
|
|
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
|
|
-- R. Geis
|
|
%
|
|
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
|
|
%
|
|
Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
|
|
%
|
|
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
|
|
%
|
|
Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
|
|
%
|
|
DEATH WISH:
|
|
The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
|
|
%
|
|
Debug is human, de-fix divine.
|
|
%
|
|
DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
|
|
-- Mel Ferentz
|
|
%
|
|
Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
|
|
erra, n: A mistake.
|
|
faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
|
|
Linder, n: A female name.
|
|
memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
|
|
New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
|
|
New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
|
|
Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
|
|
Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
|
|
ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
|
|
season is when the Knicks quit playing.
|
|
-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
|
|
%
|
|
DECISIONMAKER:
|
|
The person in your office who was unable
|
|
to form a task force before the music stopped.
|
|
%
|
|
Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
|
|
whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
|
|
not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
|
|
or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
|
|
(unless struck by a boomerang).
|
|
-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
|
|
%
|
|
Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
|
|
-- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
|
|
%
|
|
Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
|
|
that your life is more interesting than it really is.
|
|
-- C. Schultz
|
|
%
|
|
"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
|
|
marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
|
|
quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
|
|
claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
|
|
-- Randy Davis
|
|
%
|
|
DEFAULT:
|
|
The hardware's, of course.
|
|
%
|
|
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
|
|
-- Bill Musselman
|
|
%
|
|
#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
|
|
#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
|
|
- (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
|
|
- (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
|
|
|
|
-- Count the number of bits in a word.
|
|
%
|
|
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
|
|
%
|
|
(defun NF (a c)
|
|
(cond ((null c) () )
|
|
((atom (car c))
|
|
(append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
|
|
(nf a (cddr c))))
|
|
(t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
|
|
|
|
(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
|
|
(cond
|
|
((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
|
|
(not (equal boston-area 'yes))
|
|
(lessp challenging 7)) () )
|
|
(t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
|
|
'((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
|
|
(car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
|
|
(car 2 caadr 4)))
|
|
(list '851-5071x2661)))))
|
|
;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
|
|
%
|
|
DEJA VU:
|
|
French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
|
|
Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
|
|
something actually being encountered for the first time.
|
|
Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
|
|
something actually being encountered for the first time.
|
|
%
|
|
Delay is preferable to error.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
%
|
|
Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
|
|
-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
|
|
|
|
Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
|
|
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to I/O system services.]
|
|
%
|
|
Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
|
|
related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
|
|
entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
|
|
into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
|
|
to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
|
|
history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
|
|
can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
|
|
for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
|
|
are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
|
|
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
|
|
|
|
I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
|
|
more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
|
|
with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
|
|
child.
|
|
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman
|
|
%
|
|
DELIBERATION:
|
|
The act of examining one's bread
|
|
to determine which side it is buttered on.
|
|
%
|
|
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
|
|
%
|
|
Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
|
|
skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
|
|
to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
|
|
overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
|
|
apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
|
|
as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
|
|
steroid-free fitness center.
|
|
-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
%
|
|
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
|
|
her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
|
|
nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
|
|
%
|
|
Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
|
|
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
|
|
-- Senator Soaper
|
|
%
|
|
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
|
|
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
|
|
will get the blame.
|
|
-- Laurence J. Peter
|
|
%
|
|
Democracy is also a form of worship.
|
|
It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
|
|
-- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
|
|
%
|
|
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
|
|
of the people are right more than half of the time.
|
|
-- E.B. White
|
|
%
|
|
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
|
|
deserve to get it good and hard.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
|
|
%
|
|
Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
|
|
forms that have been tried from time to time.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
Democracy, n:
|
|
A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
|
|
or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
|
|
toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
|
|
law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
|
|
upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
|
|
restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
|
|
agitation, discontent, anarchy.
|
|
-- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
|
|
since withdrawn.
|
|
%
|
|
Democracy, n:
|
|
In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
|
|
-- Gerald Barry
|
|
|
|
The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
|
|
Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
|
|
you don't have to waste your time voting.
|
|
-- Charles Bukowski
|
|
%
|
|
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
|
|
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
|
|
|
|
Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
|
|
The remainder is thrown out.
|
|
|
|
Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
|
|
|
|
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
|
|
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
|
|
|
|
Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
|
|
windows by Democrats.
|
|
-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
|
|
%
|
|
Dental health is next to mental health.
|
|
%
|
|
Dentist:
|
|
A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
|
|
pulls coins out of one's pockets.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Denver, n:
|
|
A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
|
|
%
|
|
Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
|
|
%
|
|
Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
|
|
%
|
|
Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
|
|
%
|
|
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
|
|
but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
|
|
-- R.E. Shay
|
|
%
|
|
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
|
|
%
|
|
Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
|
|
und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
|
|
%
|
|
Design:
|
|
What you regret not doing later on.
|
|
%
|
|
design, v:
|
|
What you regret not doing later on.
|
|
%
|
|
Desist from enumerating your fowl
|
|
prior to their emergence from the shell.
|
|
%
|
|
Despite all appearances, your boss
|
|
is a thinking, feeling, human being.
|
|
%
|
|
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
|
|
be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
|
|
the table.
|
|
-- The Anarchist Cookbook
|
|
%
|
|
Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
|
|
don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
|
|
-- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
|
|
%
|
|
Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
|
|
%
|
|
DeVries' Dilemma:
|
|
If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
|
|
the one you don't want hits the paper.
|
|
%
|
|
Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
|
|
fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
|
|
-- L. Ron Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
|
|
Some do, some don't.
|
|
%
|
|
Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
|
|
and slim chance mean the same thing?
|
|
|
|
Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
|
|
%
|
|
Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
|
|
has already been born?
|
|
-- Benny Hill
|
|
%
|
|
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
|
|
that's how dogs spend their lives.
|
|
-- Sue Murphy
|
|
%
|
|
Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
|
|
%
|
|
"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
Did you hear about the model who sat
|
|
on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
|
|
%
|
|
Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
|
|
Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
|
|
|
|
Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
|
|
%
|
|
Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
|
|
the number zero?
|
|
|
|
Is nothing sacred?
|
|
%
|
|
Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
|
|
only recaptured 116 of them?
|
|
%
|
|
Did you know?
|
|
EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
|
|
APPROXIMATELY
|
|
150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
|
|
KILLED
|
|
|
|
Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
|
|
"The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
|
|
-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
|
|
|
|
A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
|
|
|
|
SPONSORED BY
|
|
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
|
|
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
|
|
Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
|
|
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
|
|
|
|
Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
|
|
%
|
|
Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
|
|
selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
|
|
try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
|
|
select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
|
|
set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
|
|
should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
|
|
%
|
|
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
|
|
%
|
|
Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
|
|
-- P.J. Plauger
|
|
%
|
|
Did you know the University of Iowa
|
|
closed down after someone stole the book?
|
|
%
|
|
Did you know....
|
|
|
|
That no-one ever reads these things?
|
|
%
|
|
Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
|
|
Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
|
|
It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
|
|
Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
|
|
-- Lovin' Spoonful
|
|
%
|
|
Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
|
|
%
|
|
"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
|
|
would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
|
|
-- John Barrymore's dying words
|
|
%
|
|
Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
|
|
-- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
|
|
%
|
|
Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
|
|
%
|
|
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
|
|
%
|
|
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
|
|
-- Don Vonada
|
|
%
|
|
Dignity is like a flag.
|
|
It flaps in a storm.
|
|
-- Roy Mengot
|
|
%
|
|
Dime is money.
|
|
%
|
|
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
|
|
only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
|
|
for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
|
|
%
|
|
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
|
|
%
|
|
Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
|
|
1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
|
|
1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
|
|
1 carton milk
|
|
%
|
|
Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
|
|
%
|
|
Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
|
|
truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
|
|
%
|
|
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
|
|
asked him, after a few days.
|
|
"Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
|
|
%
|
|
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
|
|
Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
|
|
-- Sir Humphrey Appleby
|
|
%
|
|
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
|
|
%
|
|
Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
|
|
-- Daniele Vare
|
|
%
|
|
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
|
|
-- Wynn Catlin
|
|
%
|
|
Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
|
|
-- Balfour
|
|
%
|
|
diplomacy, n:
|
|
Lying in state.
|
|
%
|
|
Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
|
|
|
|
1: Get elected.
|
|
2: Get re-elected.
|
|
3: Don't get mad, get even.
|
|
-- Sen. Everett Dirksen
|
|
%
|
|
disbar, n:
|
|
As distinguished from some other bar.
|
|
%
|
|
Disc space -- the final frontier!
|
|
%
|
|
DISCLAIMER:
|
|
Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
|
|
an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
|
|
%
|
|
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
|
|
%
|
|
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
|
|
%
|
|
Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
|
|
-- Chinese proverb
|
|
%
|
|
Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
|
|
-- Euripides
|
|
%
|
|
Disk crisis, please clean up!
|
|
%
|
|
Disks travel in packs.
|
|
%
|
|
Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
|
|
Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
|
|
%
|
|
Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
|
|
but it does make you part of a larger picture.
|
|
%
|
|
DISTRESS:
|
|
A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
|
|
%
|
|
Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
|
|
acquaintance and without any visible reason.
|
|
-- Lord Chesterfield
|
|
%
|
|
Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
|
|
%
|
|
Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
|
|
-- Cary Grant
|
|
%
|
|
Do clones have navels?
|
|
%
|
|
Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
|
|
-- Amy Gorin
|
|
%
|
|
Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
|
|
%
|
|
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
|
|
%
|
|
Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
|
|
-- Aesop
|
|
%
|
|
Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
|
|
your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
|
|
a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
|
|
cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
|
|
of them ever committed suicide.
|
|
-- Henry David Thoreau
|
|
%
|
|
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
|
|
Their tastes may not be the same.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
|
|
-- Robert Heinlein
|
|
%
|
|
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
|
|
for they become soggy and hard to light.
|
|
|
|
Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
|
|
for they are subtle and quick to anger.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not overtax your powers.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
|
|
Violators will be prosecuted.
|
|
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
|
|
%
|
|
Do not seek death; death will find you.
|
|
But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
|
|
-- Dag Hammarskjold
|
|
%
|
|
Do not simplify the design of a program if a way
|
|
can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
|
|
learn to dread each day as it comes.
|
|
-- Donald Kaul
|
|
%
|
|
Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
|
|
word "lies".
|
|
-- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
|
|
%
|
|
Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
|
|
%
|
|
Do not worry about which side your
|
|
bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
|
|
%
|
|
Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
|
|
%
|
|
Do, or do not; there is no try.
|
|
%
|
|
Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
|
|
%
|
|
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
|
|
%
|
|
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
|
|
%
|
|
Do unto others before they undo you.
|
|
%
|
|
Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
|
|
%
|
|
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
|
|
-- Aleister Crowley
|
|
%
|
|
Do what you can to prolong your life,
|
|
in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
|
|
%
|
|
Do you believe in intuition?
|
|
No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
|
|
%
|
|
Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
|
|
Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
|
|
Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
|
|
Can you see your neck?
|
|
Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
|
|
If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
|
|
This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
|
|
...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
|
|
-- Garfield
|
|
%
|
|
Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
|
|
%
|
|
Do YOU have redeeming social value?
|
|
%
|
|
Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
|
|
I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
|
|
think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
|
|
think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
|
|
like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
|
|
fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
|
|
to think at all.
|
|
-- T.H. White
|
|
%
|
|
Do you know Montana?
|
|
%
|
|
Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
|
|
is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
|
|
-- Pete Seeger
|
|
%
|
|
Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
|
|
answer, but a certain wrong answer?
|
|
-- Tobaben
|
|
%
|
|
Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
|
|
between Nixon and the White House.
|
|
-- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
|
|
%
|
|
Do you suffer painful elimination?
|
|
-- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
|
|
|
|
Do you suffer painful recrimination?
|
|
-- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
|
|
|
|
Do you suffer painful illumination?
|
|
-- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
|
|
|
|
Do you suffer painful hallucination?
|
|
-- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
|
|
%
|
|
Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
|
|
%
|
|
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
|
|
just whipped out a quarter?
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
"Do you think there's a God?"
|
|
"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
|
|
-- Calvin and Hobbes
|
|
%
|
|
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
|
|
"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
|
|
"I've never done anything illegal before."
|
|
"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
|
|
%
|
|
Do you think your mother and I should have lived
|
|
comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
|
|
%
|
|
Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
|
|
your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
|
|
your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
|
|
Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
|
|
Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
|
|
-- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
|
|
%
|
|
Do your otters do the shimmy?
|
|
Do they like to shake their tails?
|
|
Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
|
|
Is your garden full of snails?
|
|
%
|
|
Do your part to help preserve life on
|
|
Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
|
|
%
|
|
Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
|
|
little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
|
|
-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
Documentation:
|
|
Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
|
|
speaking persons.
|
|
%
|
|
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
|
|
be good because the programmers hate it so much.
|
|
%
|
|
Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
|
|
Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
|
|
Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
|
|
Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
|
|
%
|
|
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
|
|
%
|
|
Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
|
|
and the rest of us.
|
|
%
|
|
Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
|
|
%
|
|
Doing gets it done.
|
|
%
|
|
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
|
|
%
|
|
Don
|
|
Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
|
|
Was she pretty?
|
|
W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
|
|
bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
|
|
to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
|
|
Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
|
|
W.C.: It's almost impossible.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
|
|
Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
|
|
%
|
|
Don't abandon hope.
|
|
Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
|
|
have got him.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
|
|
It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
|
|
Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
|
|
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
|
|
-- Golda Meir
|
|
%
|
|
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
|
|
than I have to.
|
|
-- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't confuse things that need action
|
|
with those that take care of themselves.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
|
|
%
|
|
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
|
|
-- Firesign Theatre
|
|
%
|
|
Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
|
|
-- Josh Billings
|
|
%
|
|
Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
|
|
-- Lt. Col. Ollie North
|
|
%
|
|
Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
|
|
Their tastes may not be the same.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
|
|
-- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
|
|
%
|
|
Don't eat yellow snow.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't everyone thank me at once!
|
|
-- Han Solo
|
|
%
|
|
Don't expect people to keep in step--
|
|
it's hard enough just staying in line.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't feed the bats tonight.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
|
|
-- Anthony
|
|
%
|
|
Don't get even, get odd.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't get mad, get even.
|
|
-- Joseph P. Kennedy
|
|
|
|
Don't get even, get jewelry.
|
|
-- Anonymous
|
|
%
|
|
Don't get mad, get interest.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
|
|
can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
|
|
-- Dave Storer
|
|
%
|
|
Don't get to bragging.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
|
|
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
|
|
-- Baretta
|
|
%
|
|
Don't guess - check your security regulations.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't I know you?
|
|
%
|
|
Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
|
|
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
|
|
%
|
|
Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
|
|
Probably soon after she throws me out.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
|
|
until you have hold of something else.
|
|
-- First Rule of Wing Walking
|
|
%
|
|
Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
|
|
don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
|
|
don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
|
|
or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
|
|
remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
|
|
you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
|
|
-- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
|
|
%
|
|
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't let your status become too quo!
|
|
%
|
|
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't lose
|
|
Your head
|
|
To gain a minute
|
|
You need your head
|
|
Your brains are in it.
|
|
-- Burma Shave
|
|
%
|
|
Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
|
|
-- Scottish Proverb
|
|
%
|
|
Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't plan any hasty moves.
|
|
You'll be evicted soon anyway.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
|
|
if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
|
|
-- Miguel de Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
Don't quit now, we might just as well
|
|
lock the door and throw away the key.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't read everything you believe.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't remember what you can infer.
|
|
-- Harry Tennant
|
|
%
|
|
Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
|
|
-- Darryl F. Zanuck
|
|
%
|
|
Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
|
|
-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
|
|
%
|
|
Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
|
|
%
|
|
Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
|
|
-- P. Skelly
|
|
%
|
|
Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
|
|
-- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
|
|
%
|
|
Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
|
|
sodomy and the lash.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
|
|
-- James J. Ling
|
|
%
|
|
Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
|
|
I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
|
|
-- Watchman Examiner
|
|
%
|
|
Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
|
|
with my breakfast cereal.
|
|
-- Zaphod Beeblebrox
|
|
%
|
|
Don't vote - it only encourages them!
|
|
%
|
|
Don't wake me up too soon...
|
|
Gonna take a ride across the moon...
|
|
You and me.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't worry. Life's too long.
|
|
-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
|
|
are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
|
|
-- Howard Aiken
|
|
%
|
|
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
|
|
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
|
|
-- Charles Schultz
|
|
%
|
|
Don't Worry, Be Happy.
|
|
-- Meher Baba
|
|
%
|
|
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
|
|
you can always take something for it.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
|
|
They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
|
|
%
|
|
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
|
|
%
|
|
"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
|
|
"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
|
|
"Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
|
|
"... I thought you said you were an accountant."
|
|
%
|
|
Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
|
|
want to help you could agree with each other?
|
|
%
|
|
Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
|
|
%
|
|
Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
|
|
you through times of no dope.
|
|
-- Gilbert Shelton
|
|
%
|
|
Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
|
|
Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
|
|
without brains do an awful lot of talking.
|
|
-- The Wizard of Oz
|
|
%
|
|
Double!
|
|
%
|
|
Double Bucky, you're the one,
|
|
You make my keyboard so much fun,
|
|
Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
|
|
Control and meta, side by side,
|
|
Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
|
|
Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
|
|
|
|
Oh, I sure wish that I,
|
|
Had a couple of bits more!
|
|
Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
|
|
|
|
Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
|
|
OR'd together, outta sight!
|
|
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
|
|
Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
|
|
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
|
|
-- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
|
|
be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
|
|
by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
|
|
%
|
|
double-blind Experiment, n:
|
|
An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
|
|
fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
|
|
by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
|
|
%
|
|
Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
|
|
-- Voltaire
|
|
%
|
|
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
|
|
-- Voltaire
|
|
%
|
|
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
|
|
-- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
|
|
%
|
|
Down to the Banana Republics,
|
|
Down to the tropical sun.
|
|
Go the expatriated Americans,
|
|
Hoping to find some fun.
|
|
Some of them go for the sailing,
|
|
Caught by the lure of the sea.
|
|
Trying to find what is ailing,
|
|
Living in the land of the free.
|
|
Some of them are running from lovers,
|
|
Leaving no forward address.
|
|
Some of them are running tons of ganja,
|
|
Some are running from the IRS.
|
|
Late at night you will find them,
|
|
In the cheap hotels and bars.
|
|
Hustling the senoritas,
|
|
While they dance beneath the stars.
|
|
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
|
|
%
|
|
Down with the categorical imperative!
|
|
%
|
|
Dow's Law:
|
|
In a hierarchical organization,
|
|
the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
|
|
%
|
|
Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
|
|
by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
|
|
of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
|
|
time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
|
|
kill him.
|
|
-- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
|
|
|
|
The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
|
|
that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
|
|
Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
|
|
luxury that you never feel hungry.
|
|
|
|
Here's how the diet works:
|
|
|
|
FOODS ALLOWED
|
|
First Month: One egg
|
|
Second Month: A raisin
|
|
Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
|
|
|
|
If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
|
|
lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
|
|
%
|
|
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
|
|
%
|
|
Dr. Livingston?
|
|
Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
|
|
%
|
|
Draft beer, not people.
|
|
%
|
|
Drakenberg's Discovery:
|
|
If you can't seem to find your glasses,
|
|
it's probably because you don't have them on.
|
|
%
|
|
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
|
|
%
|
|
Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
|
|
%
|
|
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
|
|
%
|
|
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
|
|
The first bug to hit a clean windshield
|
|
lands directly in front of your eyes.
|
|
%
|
|
Drilling for oil is boring.
|
|
%
|
|
Drink and dance and laugh and lie
|
|
Love, the reeling midnight through
|
|
For tomorrow we shall die!
|
|
(But, alas, we never do.)
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
|
|
%
|
|
Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
|
|
%
|
|
Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
|
|
instant motor skills.
|
|
-- Marc Price
|
|
%
|
|
Drinking is not a spectator sport.
|
|
-- Jim Brosnan
|
|
%
|
|
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
|
|
with, that it's compounding a felony.
|
|
-- Robert Benchley
|
|
%
|
|
Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
|
|
that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
|
|
-- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
|
|
%
|
|
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
|
|
%
|
|
Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
|
|
avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
|
|
jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
|
|
brush after them.
|
|
%
|
|
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
|
|
of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
|
|
seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
|
|
priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
|
|
"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
|
|
life!"
|
|
%
|
|
Drop that pickle!
|
|
%
|
|
DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
|
|
-- The Adventurer
|
|
%
|
|
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
|
|
-- The Adventurer
|
|
%
|
|
drug, n:
|
|
A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
|
|
paper.
|
|
%
|
|
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
|
|
%
|
|
Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
|
|
lot a poker.
|
|
-- Karyl Roosevelt
|
|
%
|
|
Ducharme's Precept:
|
|
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
|
|
|
|
Ducharme's Axiom:
|
|
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
|
|
yourself as part of the problem.
|
|
%
|
|
Duckies are fun!
|
|
%
|
|
Ducks? What ducks??
|
|
%
|
|
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
|
|
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
|
|
-- Carl Zwanzig
|
|
%
|
|
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
|
|
production of great leaders has been discontinued.
|
|
%
|
|
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
|
|
fate and captain of your soul.
|
|
%
|
|
Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
|
|
%
|
|
During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
|
|
been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
|
|
pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
|
|
in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
|
|
-- James Madison
|
|
%
|
|
During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down
|
|
several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~
|
|
{o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
|
|
%
|
|
During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
|
|
|
|
Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
|
|
perform as president?"
|
|
Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
|
|
inexperience."
|
|
%
|
|
During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
|
|
fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
|
|
and fly your colors proudly.
|
|
%
|
|
Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
|
|
Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
|
|
-- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
|
|
%
|
|
Duty, n:
|
|
What one expects from others.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
|
|
nothing whatever to do with it.
|
|
-- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
|
|
%
|
|
Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
|
|
-- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
|
|
%
|
|
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
|
|
%
|
|
E Pluribus UNIX.
|
|
%
|
|
Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
|
|
%
|
|
Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
|
|
-- Kernighan
|
|
%
|
|
Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
|
|
Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
|
|
worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
|
|
imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
|
|
typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
|
|
the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
|
|
corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
|
|
Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
|
|
in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
|
|
offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
|
|
a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
|
|
then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
|
|
company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
|
|
competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
|
|
orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
|
|
-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
|
|
%
|
|
Each of us bears his own Hell.
|
|
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
|
|
%
|
|
Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
|
|
in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
|
|
university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
|
|
3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
|
|
%
|
|
Each person has the right to take the subway.
|
|
%
|
|
EARL GREY PROFILES
|
|
|
|
NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
|
|
OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
|
|
AGE: 94
|
|
BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
|
|
EYES: Grey
|
|
SKIN: Tanned
|
|
HAIR: Not much
|
|
LAST MAGAZINE READ:
|
|
Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
|
|
TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
|
|
|
|
EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
|
|
%
|
|
Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
|
|
science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
|
|
21st century aircraft:
|
|
|
|
"The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
|
|
nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
|
|
pilot if he touches anything.
|
|
-- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
|
|
%
|
|
Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
|
|
be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
|
|
%
|
|
Early to rise and early to bed makes
|
|
a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
|
|
-- James Thurber
|
|
%
|
|
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
|
|
%
|
|
Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
|
|
%
|
|
/earth: file system full.
|
|
%
|
|
/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
|
|
%
|
|
Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.
|
|
-- Jeff Berner
|
|
%
|
|
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.
|
|
|
|
Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
|
|
side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
|
|
-- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
|
|
%
|
|
Easy come and easy go,
|
|
some call me easy money,
|
|
Sometimes life is full of laughs,
|
|
and sometimes it ain't funny
|
|
You may think that I'm a fool
|
|
and sometimes that is true,
|
|
But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
|
|
with or without you.
|
|
-- Hoyt Axton
|
|
%
|
|
Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
|
|
-- Harry Secombe's diet
|
|
%
|
|
Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
|
|
%
|
|
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
|
|
%
|
|
Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
|
|
happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
|
|
%
|
|
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
|
|
will happen to you the rest of the day.
|
|
|
|
[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
|
|
%
|
|
Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
|
|
%
|
|
Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
|
|
%
|
|
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
|
|
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
economics, n.:
|
|
Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
Economies of scale:
|
|
The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
|
|
a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
|
|
biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
|
|
by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
|
|
as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
|
|
those limitations.
|
|
%
|
|
economist, n:
|
|
Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
|
|
personality to become an accountant.
|
|
%
|
|
Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
|
|
turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
|
|
-- Robert Orben
|
|
%
|
|
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
|
|
percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
|
|
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
|
|
%
|
|
Editing is a rewording activity.
|
|
%
|
|
Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
|
|
demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
|
|
-- Charlotte Observer, 1897
|
|
%
|
|
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
|
|
time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
|
|
%
|
|
Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
|
|
-- Daniel J. Boorstin
|
|
%
|
|
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
|
|
-- Irwin Edman
|
|
%
|
|
Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
|
|
-- B.F. Skinner
|
|
%
|
|
Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
|
|
to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
|
|
of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
|
|
royal-blue chickens.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
|
|
%
|
|
Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie,
|
|
The spirits are about to speak...
|
|
%
|
|
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
|
|
-- Adlai Stevenson
|
|
%
|
|
Ego sum ens omnipotens
|
|
%
|
|
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
|
|
to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
|
|
-- Bellamy Brooks
|
|
%
|
|
Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
|
|
%
|
|
Egotism, n:
|
|
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
|
|
|
|
Egotist, n:
|
|
A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
|
|
%
|
|
Ehrman's Commentary:
|
|
1. Things will get worse before they get better.
|
|
2. Who said things would get better?
|
|
%
|
|
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
|
|
-- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
|
|
%
|
|
...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
|
|
original joy his falling in love with Ada.
|
|
-- Nabokov
|
|
%
|
|
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
|
|
God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
|
|
engineer.
|
|
-- Fred Brooks
|
|
%
|
|
Eisenhower was very nice,
|
|
Nixon was his only vice.
|
|
-- C. Degen
|
|
%
|
|
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx' last words
|
|
%
|
|
ELBONICS:
|
|
The actions of two people maneuvering for one
|
|
armrest in a movie theatre.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Eleanor Rigby
|
|
Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
|
|
Lives in a dream
|
|
Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
|
|
make the machine do some more.
|
|
What is it for?
|
|
|
|
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
|
|
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
|
|
|
|
Hacker MacKensie
|
|
Writing the code for a program that no one will run
|
|
It's nearly done
|
|
Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
|
|
nobody there.
|
|
What does he care?
|
|
|
|
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
|
|
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
|
|
Ah, look at all the lonely users.
|
|
Ah, look at all the lonely users.
|
|
%
|
|
ELECTRIC JELL-O
|
|
|
|
2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
|
|
2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
|
|
1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
|
|
|
|
Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
|
|
fully dissolved.
|
|
Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
|
|
Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
|
|
glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
|
|
Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
|
|
Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
|
|
the faint of heart.
|
|
Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
|
|
Cut into squares and enjoy!
|
|
|
|
WARNING:
|
|
Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
|
|
children under eight years of age.
|
|
%
|
|
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
|
|
%
|
|
Electrocution, n:
|
|
Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
|
|
%
|
|
Elegance and truth are inversely related.
|
|
-- Becker's Razor
|
|
%
|
|
Elephant, n:
|
|
A mouse built to government specifications.
|
|
%
|
|
Elevators smell different to midgets.
|
|
%
|
|
Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
|
|
In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
|
|
frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
|
|
are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
|
|
minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
|
|
compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
|
|
lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
|
|
of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
|
|
%
|
|
Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
|
|
In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
|
|
"Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
|
|
Half asleep, Eli murmured,
|
|
"Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
|
|
%
|
|
Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
|
|
%
|
|
Elliptical, n:
|
|
The feel of a kiss.
|
|
%
|
|
Eloquence is logic on fire.
|
|
%
|
|
Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
|
|
Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
|
|
%
|
|
Emacs, n:
|
|
A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
|
|
%
|
|
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
|
|
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
|
|
what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
|
|
for it.
|
|
%
|
|
Encyclopedia for sale by father.
|
|
Son knows everything.
|
|
%
|
|
Encyclopedia Salesmen:
|
|
Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
|
|
and tell them your house is being burgled.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
|
|
Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
|
|
-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
|
|
%
|
|
Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
|
|
Endless the quest;
|
|
I turn again, back to my own beginning,
|
|
And here, find rest.
|
|
%
|
|
Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
|
|
property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
|
|
of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
|
|
-- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
|
|
%
|
|
Engineering: "How will this work?"
|
|
Science: "Why will this work?"
|
|
Management: "When will this work?"
|
|
Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
|
|
%
|
|
English literature's performing flea.
|
|
-- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse
|
|
%
|
|
Engram, n:
|
|
1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
|
|
2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
|
|
in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
|
|
of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
|
|
psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
|
|
and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
|
|
conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
|
|
thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
|
|
was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
|
|
ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
|
|
time.]
|
|
-- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
|
|
3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
|
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%
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enhance, v:
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To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
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Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
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Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
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%
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Entrepreneur, n:
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A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
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be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
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Entropy isn't what it used to be.
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Entropy requires no maintenance.
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-- Markoff Chaney
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Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
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-- Onasander
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Envy, n:
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Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
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instead of having to try and acquire one.
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Enzymes are things invented by biologists
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that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
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-- Jerome Lettvin
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Equal bytes for women.
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Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
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-- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
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%
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Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
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"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
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%
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Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
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Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
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Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
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Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
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%
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Eschew obfuscation.
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Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
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-- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
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E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
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%
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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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-- Woody Allen
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%
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Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
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-- Tom Stoppard
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%
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Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
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fashion for those with no taste.
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%
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Etymology, n:
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Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
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were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
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formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
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and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
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hard to swallow."
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-- Mike Kellen
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Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
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Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
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-- Goethe, "Faust"
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%
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Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
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the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
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Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
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Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
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Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
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Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
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make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
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them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
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a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
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the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
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they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
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over roulette.
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-- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
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Eureka!
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-- Archimedes
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Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
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Even a cabbage may look at a king.
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%
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Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
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%
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Even a man who is pure at heart,
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And says his prayers at night
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Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
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And the moon is full and bright.
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-- The Wolf Man, 1941
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%
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Even God cannot change the past.
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-- Joseph Stalin
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%
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Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
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-- Menander
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%
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Even if you do learn to speak correct
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English, whom are you going to speak it to?
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-- Clarence Darrow
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%
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Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
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-- Aristophanes
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%
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Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
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-- Will Rogers
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%
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Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
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When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
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Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
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And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
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Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
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To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
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Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
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I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
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I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
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Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
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A fairer summer and a later fall
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Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
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And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
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I tell you this across the blackened vine.
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-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
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Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
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%
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Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
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%
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Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
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just a bit unchivalrous...
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-- Robert Benchley
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%
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Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
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|
-- Kehlog Albran
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%
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Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
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-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
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%
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Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
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States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
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Events are not affected, they develop.
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-- Sri Aurobindo
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%
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Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
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%
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Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
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bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
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%
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Ever get the feeling that the world's
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on tape and one of the reels is missing?
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-- Rich Little
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%
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Ever notice that even the busiest people are
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never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
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%
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Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
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Simple coincidence?
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Maybe...
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%
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Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
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That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
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We're big but bigger we will be,
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We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
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Has been our aim.
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Our products now are known in every zone.
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Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
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We've fought our way thru
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And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
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For the Ever Onward IBM!
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-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
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Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
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We're bound for the top to never fall,
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Right here and now we thankfully
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Pledge sincerest loyalty
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To the corporation that's the best of all
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Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
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Let's show the world just what we think of them!
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So let us sing men -- Sing men
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Once or twice, then sing again
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For the Ever Onward IBM!
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-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
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%
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Ever since I was a young boy,
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I've hacked the ARPA net,
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From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
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Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
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But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
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On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
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That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
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Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
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That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
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Sure sends a mean packet.
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He's a UNIX wizard,
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There has to be a twist.
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The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
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Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
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How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
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I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
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What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
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The proper bit flags set,
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That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
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Sure sends a mean packet.
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-- UNIX Wizard
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%
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Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
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%
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Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
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Because newspapers are read too.
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Two and Two is four.
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Four and four is eight.
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Eight and four is twelve.
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There are twelve inches in a ruler.
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Queen Mary was a ruler.
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Queen Mary was a ship.
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Ships sail the sea.
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There are fishes in the sea.
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Fishes have fins.
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The Fins fought the Russians.
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Russians are red.
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Fire engines are always rush'n.
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Therefore fire engines are red.
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%
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Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
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technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
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The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
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computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
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Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
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trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
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one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
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"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
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there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
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computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
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ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
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anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
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said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
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them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
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Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
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question."
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|
[actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
|
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regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
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%
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Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
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the last but one.
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-- Adolf Hitler
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%
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Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
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Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
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%
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Every cloud engenders not a storm.
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-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
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%
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Every cloud has a silver lining;
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you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
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%
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Every country has the government it deserves.
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-- Joseph De Maistre
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%
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Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
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%
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Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
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%
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Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
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-- Lenny Bruce
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%
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Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
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%
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Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
|
|
signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
|
|
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
|
|
spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
|
|
genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not
|
|
a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it
|
|
is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
|
|
-- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953
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%
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Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
|
|
-- Don Vonada
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%
|
|
Every love's the love before
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In a duller dress.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
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%
|
|
Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
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|
or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
|
|
Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
|
|
only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
|
|
subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
|
|
own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
|
|
by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
|
|
philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
|
|
but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
|
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in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
|
|
-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
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%
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Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
|
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-- Miguel de Cervantes
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%
|
|
Every man takes the limits of his own field
|
|
of vision for the limits of the world.
|
|
-- Schopenhauer
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%
|
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Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
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|
and powerful know that he is.
|
|
-- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
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%
|
|
Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
|
|
that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
|
|
and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
|
|
essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
|
|
inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
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|
forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
|
|
-- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
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%
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Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
|
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it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
|
|
-- Barrie
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%
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|
Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
|
|
than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
|
|
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
|
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It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
|
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up, you'd better be running.
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%
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Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
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%
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Every night my prayers I say,
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And get my dinner every day;
|
|
And every day that I've been good,
|
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I get an orange after food.
|
|
The child that is not clean and neat,
|
|
With lots of toys and things to eat,
|
|
He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
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|
Or else his dear papa is poor.
|
|
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
|
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%
|
|
Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
|
|
But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
|
|
when they aren't.
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When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
|
|
When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
|
|
When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying.
|
|
When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
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%
|
|
Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
|
|
the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
|
|
sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
|
|
-- Morris Kline
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%
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Every path has its puddle.
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%
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Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
|
|
drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
|
|
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
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%
|
|
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
|
|
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
|
|
can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
|
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%
|
|
Every program has (at least) two purposes:
|
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the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
|
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%
|
|
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
|
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%
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Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
|
|
eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
|
|
bend a disk.
|
|
-- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
|
|
commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
|
|
of their movement.
|
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%
|
|
Every successful person has had failures
|
|
but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
|
|
%
|
|
Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
|
|
-- Jean Baechler
|
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%
|
|
Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
|
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%
|
|
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
|
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%
|
|
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
|
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%
|
|
Every time you manage to close the door on
|
|
Reality, it comes in through the window.
|
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%
|
|
Every why hath a wherefore.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
|
|
%
|
|
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
|
|
-- Beckett
|
|
%
|
|
Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
|
|
the best one.
|
|
-- Jack Hurley
|
|
%
|
|
Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
|
|
called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
|
|
the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
|
|
otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
|
|
and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
|
|
Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
|
|
"Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
|
|
a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
|
|
you're fired. As of right now."
|
|
Sam signed the papers immediately.
|
|
"Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
|
|
couldn't have signed earlier?"
|
|
"Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
|
|
clearly before."
|
|
%
|
|
Everybody has something to conceal.
|
|
-- Humphrey Bogart
|
|
%
|
|
Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
|
|
if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
|
|
%
|
|
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
|
|
fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
|
|
good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
|
|
poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
|
|
|
|
Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
|
|
lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
|
|
just died.
|
|
|
|
Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
|
|
and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
|
|
|
|
Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
|
|
do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
|
|
two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
|
|
you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
|
|
|
|
And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
|
|
And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
|
|
Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
|
|
for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
|
|
-- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
|
|
%
|
|
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
|
|
-- Arthur Miller
|
|
%
|
|
Everybody needs a little love sometime;
|
|
stop hacking and fall in love!
|
|
%
|
|
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
|
|
to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone is in the best seat.
|
|
-- John Cage
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
|
|
-- Rudyard Kipling
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
|
|
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
|
|
scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
|
|
wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of
|
|
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us
|
|
to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking
|
|
the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon:
|
|
the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were
|
|
all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
|
|
different way...
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
|
|
to get them.
|
|
-- Dirty Harry
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone was born right-handed.
|
|
Only the greatest overcome it.
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
|
|
1. They want it quick.
|
|
2. They want it good.
|
|
3. They want it cheap.
|
|
I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
|
|
-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
|
|
%
|
|
Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
|
|
%
|
|
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
|
|
%
|
|
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
|
|
%
|
|
Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
|
|
%
|
|
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
|
|
-- Alexander Woollcott
|
|
%
|
|
Everything in this book may be wrong.
|
|
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
|
|
%
|
|
Everything is controlled by a small evil group
|
|
to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
|
|
%
|
|
Everything is possible. Pass the word.
|
|
-- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
|
|
%
|
|
Everything might be different in the present
|
|
if only one thing had been different in the past.
|
|
%
|
|
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
|
|
%
|
|
Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
|
|
%
|
|
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
|
|
-- Erwin Tomash
|
|
%
|
|
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
|
|
-- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
|
|
%
|
|
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
|
|
%
|
|
Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
|
|
%
|
|
Everything you know is wrong!
|
|
%
|
|
Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
|
|
rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
|
|
-- Erwin Knoll
|
|
%
|
|
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
|
|
obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
|
|
solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
|
|
There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
|
|
straight lines.
|
|
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
|
|
%
|
|
Everything's great in this good old world;
|
|
(This is the stuff they can always use.)
|
|
God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
|
|
(This will provide for baby's shoes.)
|
|
Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
|
|
Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
|
|
Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
|
|
(This is what fetches the bacon home.)
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
|
|
%
|
|
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
|
|
opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
|
|
that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
|
|
-- Flannery O'Connor
|
|
%
|
|
Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
|
|
Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
|
|
Everyone is looking for the answer,
|
|
Well look again.
|
|
-- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
|
|
%
|
|
Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
|
|
of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
Evolution is a million line computer
|
|
program falling into place by accident.
|
|
%
|
|
Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
|
|
the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
|
|
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
|
|
doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
|
|
life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
|
|
as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
|
|
respect to theories about how the process operates.
|
|
-- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
|
|
%
|
|
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even
|
|
the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
|
|
-- C.C. Colton
|
|
%
|
|
Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
|
|
It is the only thing.
|
|
-- Albert Schweitzer
|
|
%
|
|
Excellent day for drinking heavily.
|
|
Spike the office water cooler.
|
|
%
|
|
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
|
|
%
|
|
Excellent time to become a missing person.
|
|
%
|
|
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
|
|
-- Miller
|
|
%
|
|
Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
|
|
customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
|
|
|
|
Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
|
|
Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
|
|
%
|
|
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
|
|
acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
|
|
-- W. Somerset Maugham
|
|
%
|
|
Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
|
|
%
|
|
Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
|
|
-- Marcus Aurelius
|
|
%
|
|
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
|
|
%
|
|
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
|
|
%
|
|
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
|
|
and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
|
|
%
|
|
Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
|
|
%
|
|
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
|
|
%
|
|
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
|
|
%
|
|
Expedience is the best teacher.
|
|
%
|
|
Expense accounts, n:
|
|
Corporate food stamps.
|
|
%
|
|
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
|
|
-- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
|
|
%
|
|
Experience is not what happens to you;
|
|
it is what you do with what happens to you.
|
|
-- Aldous Huxley
|
|
%
|
|
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
|
|
you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
|
|
-- Franklin Jones
|
|
%
|
|
Experience is the worst teacher. It always
|
|
gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
|
|
%
|
|
Experience is what causes a person
|
|
to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
|
|
%
|
|
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
|
|
%
|
|
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
|
|
%
|
|
Experience, n:
|
|
Something you don't get until just after you need it.
|
|
-- Olivier
|
|
%
|
|
Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
|
|
particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
|
|
-- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
|
|
%
|
|
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
|
|
%
|
|
Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
|
|
%
|
|
External Security:
|
|
%
|
|
Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
|
|
of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
|
|
but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
|
|
that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
|
|
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
|
|
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
|
|
neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
|
|
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
|
|
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
|
|
offer more plausible alternatives.
|
|
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
|
|
Implications for Psi Phenomena".
|
|
%
|
|
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
|
|
%
|
|
Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
|
|
of justice is no virtue.
|
|
-- Barry Goldwater
|
|
%
|
|
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
|
|
%
|
|
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
|
|
%
|
|
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
|
|
%
|
|
f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
|
|
%
|
|
FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
|
|
%
|
|
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
|
|
%
|
|
Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
|
|
-- Sven Italla
|
|
%
|
|
Facts are the enemy of truth.
|
|
-- Don Quixote
|
|
%
|
|
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
|
|
-- Aldous Huxley
|
|
%
|
|
Failed Attempts To Break Records
|
|
In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
|
|
the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
|
|
he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
|
|
doesn't even shout at me."
|
|
In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
|
|
record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
|
|
His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
|
|
after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
|
|
"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
|
|
In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
|
|
the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
|
|
drone got waterlogged," he said.
|
|
A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
|
|
dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
|
|
had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
|
|
%
|
|
Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
|
|
-- Sir Walter Raleigh
|
|
%
|
|
Fairy tale:
|
|
A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
|
|
%
|
|
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
|
|
%
|
|
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
|
|
on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
|
|
%
|
|
Faith is under the left nipple.
|
|
-- Martin Luther
|
|
%
|
|
Faith, n:
|
|
That quality which enables us to
|
|
believe what we know to be untrue.
|
|
%
|
|
Fakir, n:
|
|
A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
|
|
religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
|
|
seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
|
|
%
|
|
Falling in Love
|
|
When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
|
|
love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
|
|
light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
|
|
and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
|
|
these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
|
|
good idea to check with your doctor.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Falling in love is a lot like dying.
|
|
You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
|
|
%
|
|
Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
|
|
restraint.
|
|
-- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
|
|
%
|
|
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
|
|
the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
|
|
autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
|
|
-- Marlo Thomas
|
|
%
|
|
Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
|
|
%
|
|
Familiarity breeds attempt.
|
|
%
|
|
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Families, when a child is born
|
|
Want it to be intelligent.
|
|
I, through intelligence,
|
|
Having wrecked my whole life,
|
|
Only hope the baby will prove
|
|
Ignorant and stupid.
|
|
Then he will crown a tranquil life
|
|
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
|
|
-- Su Tung-p'o
|
|
%
|
|
Famous last words:
|
|
%
|
|
Famous last words:
|
|
1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
|
|
2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
|
|
3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
|
|
4: We won't need reservations.
|
|
5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
|
|
6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
|
|
7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
|
|
8: Don't worry! Women love it!
|
|
%
|
|
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
|
|
forgotten your aim.
|
|
-- George Santayana
|
|
%
|
|
"Fantasies are free."
|
|
"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
|
|
%
|
|
Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
|
|
former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
|
|
|
|
Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
|
|
reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
|
|
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
|
|
and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
|
|
from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
|
|
deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
|
|
was the Empire forged.
|
|
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
|
|
%
|
|
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
|
|
%
|
|
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western
|
|
Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this
|
|
at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly
|
|
insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are
|
|
so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty
|
|
neat idea.
|
|
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
|
|
%
|
|
Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
|
|
stressful than divorce.
|
|
-- Wall Street Journal
|
|
%
|
|
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
|
|
it every six months.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
|
|
-- Victor Hugo
|
|
%
|
|
Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
|
|
%
|
|
Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
|
|
-- Han Solo
|
|
%
|
|
Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
|
|
-- Bill Cosby
|
|
%
|
|
Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
|
|
%
|
|
Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
|
|
%
|
|
Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
|
|
Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
|
|
%
|
|
Fats Loves Madelyn.
|
|
%
|
|
Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
|
|
Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
|
|
-- Joe Orton, "Loot"
|
|
%
|
|
FEAR:
|
|
What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
|
|
%
|
|
Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
|
|
-- H.S. Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
Fear is the greatest salesman.
|
|
-- Robert Klein
|
|
%
|
|
feature, n:
|
|
A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
|
|
call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
|
|
consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
|
|
not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
|
|
a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
|
|
%
|
|
Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
|
|
potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
|
|
disadvantaged.
|
|
%
|
|
Feel disillusioned?
|
|
I've got some great new illusions, right here!
|
|
%
|
|
Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
|
|
it's Microsoft!"
|
|
%
|
|
Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
|
|
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
|
|
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
|
|
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
|
|
I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
|
|
A singular development of cat communications
|
|
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
|
|
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
|
|
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
|
|
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
|
|
And when not being utilised to aid in locomotion,
|
|
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
|
|
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
|
|
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
|
|
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
|
|
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
|
|
-- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
|
|
%
|
|
Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
|
|
you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
|
|
to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
|
|
other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
|
|
list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
|
|
yours to the bottom of the list.
|
|
|
|
Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
|
|
Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
|
|
his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
|
|
out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
|
|
build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
|
|
this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
|
|
her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
|
|
|
|
Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
|
|
%
|
|
Female rabbits:
|
|
The gift that just "keeps on giving."
|
|
%
|
|
FENDERBERG:
|
|
The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
|
|
of car fenders during snowstorms.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Ferguson's Precept:
|
|
A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
|
|
%
|
|
Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
|
|
didn't have any children, neither will you.
|
|
%
|
|
Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
|
|
a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
|
|
Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
|
|
basic difference between robots and humans?
|
|
Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
|
|
Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
|
|
-- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
|
|
%
|
|
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Fidelity, n:
|
|
A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
|
|
%
|
|
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
|
|
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
|
|
Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
|
|
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
|
|
-- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
|
|
%
|
|
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
|
|
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
|
|
Corollary:
|
|
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
|
|
%
|
|
File cabinet:
|
|
A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
|
|
%
|
|
filibuster, n:
|
|
Throwing your wait around.
|
|
%
|
|
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
|
|
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
|
|
%
|
|
Finagle's Creed:
|
|
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
|
|
%
|
|
Finagle's Eighth Law:
|
|
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
|
|
|
|
Finagle's Ninth Law:
|
|
No matter what results are expected,
|
|
someone is always willing to fake it.
|
|
|
|
Finagle's Tenth Law:
|
|
No matter what the result someone
|
|
is always eager to misinterpret it.
|
|
|
|
Finagle's Eleventh Law:
|
|
No matter what occurs, someone believes
|
|
it happened according to his pet theory.
|
|
%
|
|
Finagle's First Law:
|
|
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
|
|
|
|
Finagle's Second Law:
|
|
Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
|
|
|
|
Finagle's Fourth Law:
|
|
Once a job is fouled up,
|
|
anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
|
|
|
|
Finagle's Fifth Law:
|
|
Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
|
|
|
|
Finagle's Sixth Law:
|
|
Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
|
|
%
|
|
Finagle's Seventh Law:
|
|
The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
|
|
%
|
|
Finagle's Third Law:
|
|
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
|
|
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
|
|
|
|
Corollaries:
|
|
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
|
|
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
|
|
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
|
|
%
|
|
Finality is death.
|
|
Perfection is finality.
|
|
Nothing is perfect.
|
|
There are lumps in it.
|
|
%
|
|
Fine day for friends.
|
|
So-so day for you.
|
|
%
|
|
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
|
|
%
|
|
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
|
|
%
|
|
Finster's Law:
|
|
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
|
|
%
|
|
First Law of Bicycling:
|
|
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
|
|
%
|
|
First law of debate:
|
|
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
|
|
%
|
|
First Law of Procrastination:
|
|
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
|
|
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
|
|
imposed the deadline).
|
|
|
|
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
|
|
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
|
|
there is nothing important to do.
|
|
%
|
|
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
|
|
Celibacy is not hereditary.
|
|
%
|
|
First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
|
|
self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
|
|
%
|
|
First Rule of History:
|
|
History doesn't repeat itself --
|
|
historians merely repeat each other.
|
|
%
|
|
First rule of public speaking.
|
|
First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
|
|
then tell 'em;
|
|
then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
|
|
But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
|
|
Dial-A-Wombat.
|
|
It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
|
|
call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
|
|
phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
|
|
Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
|
|
the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
|
|
But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
|
|
The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
|
|
bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
|
|
Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
|
|
another phone booth.
|
|
There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
|
|
The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
|
|
released it, too, in the scrub.
|
|
But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
|
|
telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
|
|
After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
|
|
and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
|
|
Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
|
|
telephone booths.
|
|
-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980.
|
|
%
|
|
"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
|
|
"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
|
|
and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
|
|
trees to prove their manhood.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Fishbowl, n:
|
|
A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
|
|
promoted managers are kept for observation.
|
|
%
|
|
Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
|
|
-- Jimmy Cannon
|
|
%
|
|
Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
|
|
-- Adolfo Guzman
|
|
%
|
|
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
|
|
-- Robert Firth
|
|
%
|
|
Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
|
|
Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
|
|
I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
|
|
And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
|
|
Yes, I'm goin' insane,
|
|
And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
|
|
Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
|
|
Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
|
|
Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
|
|
Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
|
|
You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
|
|
You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
|
|
Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
|
|
That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
|
|
Yes, and goin' insane,
|
|
You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
|
|
Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
|
|
(chorus)
|
|
-- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
|
|
%
|
|
Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
|
|
were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
|
|
had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
|
|
"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
|
|
the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
|
|
"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
|
|
Irish Political History".
|
|
%
|
|
Five rules for eternal misery:
|
|
1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
|
|
2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
|
|
treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
|
|
3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
|
|
4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
|
|
how much better things might have been or how much worse
|
|
things might become).
|
|
5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
|
|
follow the first four rules.
|
|
%
|
|
Flame on!
|
|
-- Johnny Storm
|
|
%
|
|
FLANNISTER:
|
|
The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
FLASH!
|
|
Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
|
|
Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
|
|
%
|
|
Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
|
|
-- Josh Billings
|
|
%
|
|
Flattery will get you everywhere.
|
|
%
|
|
Flee at once, all is discovered.
|
|
%
|
|
Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
|
|
-- Helen Rowland
|
|
%
|
|
Flon's Law:
|
|
There is not now, and never will be, a language in
|
|
which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
|
|
%
|
|
flowchart, n. & v.
|
|
[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
|
|
"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
|
|
1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni
|
|
construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical
|
|
representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI
|
|
template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns.
|
|
3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate
|
|
misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines
|
|
of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.
|
|
5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind.
|
|
6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
|
|
-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
Flugg's Law:
|
|
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
|
|
that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
|
|
%
|
|
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
|
|
%
|
|
Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
|
|
Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
|
|
%
|
|
Fog Lamps, n:
|
|
Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
|
|
of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
|
|
driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
|
|
%
|
|
"Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
|
|
tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."
|
|
-- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
|
|
commenting on rumors of womanizing.
|
|
%
|
|
Foolproof Operation:
|
|
No provision for adjustment.
|
|
%
|
|
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
|
|
%
|
|
Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
|
|
a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
|
|
%
|
|
Football combines the two worst features of American life.
|
|
It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
|
|
-- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
|
|
%
|
|
Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
|
|
-- Jimmy Breslin
|
|
%
|
|
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
|
|
%
|
|
For a light heart lives long.
|
|
-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
|
|
%
|
|
For adult education nothing beats children.
|
|
%
|
|
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
|
|
since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
|
|
%
|
|
For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
%
|
|
For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
|
|
%
|
|
For courage mounteth with occasion.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
|
|
%
|
|
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
|
|
-- Harrison
|
|
%
|
|
For every bloke who makes his mark,
|
|
there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
|
|
-- Andy Capp
|
|
%
|
|
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
|
|
-- R. Clopton
|
|
%
|
|
For every human problem, there is a neat,
|
|
plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
|
|
you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
|
|
not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
|
|
that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
|
|
when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
|
|
1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
|
|
'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
|
|
-- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
|
|
%
|
|
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
|
|
%
|
|
For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel
|
|
and cook.
|
|
-- Quentin Crisp
|
|
%
|
|
For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
|
|
-- Alexander Pope
|
|
%
|
|
For gin, in cruel
|
|
Sober truth,
|
|
Supplies the fuel
|
|
For flaming youth.
|
|
-- Noel Coward
|
|
%
|
|
For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
|
|
%
|
|
For good, return good.
|
|
For evil, return justice.
|
|
%
|
|
For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
|
|
-- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
|
|
%
|
|
For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
|
|
but with break of day I went to make supplication.
|
|
-- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
|
|
%
|
|
For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
|
|
despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
|
|
implacable grandeur of this life.
|
|
-- Albert Camus
|
|
%
|
|
For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
|
|
As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
|
|
But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
|
|
He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
|
|
Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
|
|
And no quarrel a knight ought to take
|
|
But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
|
|
-- Stephen Hawes
|
|
%
|
|
For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
|
|
and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
|
|
-- Sir Thomas More
|
|
%
|
|
For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
|
|
get themselves filed.
|
|
-- Clifton Fadiman
|
|
%
|
|
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
|
|
the same room and let them fight it out.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
|
|
put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
|
|
the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
|
|
power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
|
|
and bad music may be put on record forever.
|
|
-- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
|
|
%
|
|
For people who like that kind of book,
|
|
that is the kind of book they will like.
|
|
%
|
|
FOR SALE:
|
|
Parachute. Used once.
|
|
Never opened. Slightly Stained.
|
|
%
|
|
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
|
|
"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
|
|
-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
|
|
%
|
|
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
|
|
%
|
|
For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
|
|
massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
|
|
last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
|
|
-- Jehan Shuman
|
|
%
|
|
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
|
|
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
|
|
was a gate.
|
|
-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to system overview.]
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
|
|
This gives me great hope for the human race.
|
|
-- Harlan Ellison
|
|
%
|
|
For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
|
|
%
|
|
For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
|
|
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
|
|
%
|
|
For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
|
|
neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
|
|
-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to powerfail recovery.]
|
|
%
|
|
For they starve the frightened little child
|
|
Till it weeps both night and day:
|
|
And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
|
|
And gibe the old and grey,
|
|
And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
|
|
And none a word may say.
|
|
|
|
Each narrow cell in which we dwell
|
|
Is a foul and dark latrine,
|
|
And the fetid breath of living Death
|
|
Chokes up each grated screen,
|
|
And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
|
|
In Humanity's machine.
|
|
|
|
And all men kill the thing they love,
|
|
By all let this be heard,
|
|
Some do it with a bitter look,
|
|
Some with a flattering word,
|
|
The coward does it with a kiss,
|
|
The brave man with a sword.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
|
|
When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
|
|
him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
|
|
spend my evenings?"
|
|
-- Chamfort
|
|
%
|
|
For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
|
|
'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
|
|
recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
|
|
protected species.
|
|
Ingredients:
|
|
1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
|
|
2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
|
|
1 teaspoonful salt
|
|
8 oz. shredded suet
|
|
2 small onions
|
|
1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
|
|
|
|
Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
|
|
overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
|
|
the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
|
|
gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
|
|
half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
|
|
salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
|
|
swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
|
|
available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
|
|
four to five hours.
|
|
%
|
|
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
|
|
-- Abraham Lincoln
|
|
%
|
|
For three days after death hair and fingernails
|
|
continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
|
|
-- Johnny Carson
|
|
%
|
|
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
|
|
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
|
|
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
|
|
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
|
|
-- Justin Richardson.
|
|
%
|
|
Force has no place where there is need of skill.
|
|
-- Herodotus
|
|
%
|
|
"Force is but might," the teacher said--
|
|
"That definition's just."
|
|
The boy said naught but thought instead,
|
|
Remembering his pounded head:
|
|
"Force is not might but must!"
|
|
%
|
|
Force it!!!
|
|
If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
|
|
No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
|
|
%
|
|
FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
|
|
%
|
|
Forecast, n:
|
|
A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
|
|
which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
|
|
%
|
|
Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
|
|
%
|
|
Forgetfulness, n:
|
|
A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
|
|
their destitution of conscience.
|
|
%
|
|
Forgive and forget.
|
|
-- Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
Forgive him,
|
|
for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
|
|
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
|
|
-- Robert Frost
|
|
%
|
|
Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
|
|
-- John F. Kennedy
|
|
%
|
|
Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTH IF HONK THEN
|
|
%
|
|
FORTRAN is a good example of a language
|
|
which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
|
|
-- D. Gries
|
|
[What's good about it? Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
|
|
occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
|
|
-- A.J. Perlis
|
|
%
|
|
FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
|
|
-- Steven Feiner
|
|
%
|
|
FORTRAN rots the brain.
|
|
-- John McQuillin
|
|
%
|
|
FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
|
|
inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
|
|
too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
|
|
%
|
|
FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is
|
|
hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have
|
|
in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive
|
|
to use.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
|
|
probably for at least the next decade.
|
|
-- T. Cheatham
|
|
%
|
|
Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
|
|
the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
|
|
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
|
|
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
|
|
or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
|
|
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
|
|
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
|
|
the accepted body of scientific evidence.
|
|
-- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
|
|
No. 2, pg. 215
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune and love befriend the bold.
|
|
-- Ovid
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
|
|
|
|
Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
|
|
A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
|
|
my dissertation to rhyme.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
|
|
|
|
Q: Is God a myth?
|
|
A: No, He's a mythter.
|
|
%
|
|
fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
|
|
|
|
Low Blows:
|
|
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
|
|
of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
|
|
hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
|
|
|
|
Dressing Up:
|
|
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
|
|
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
|
|
for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
|
|
weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
|
|
party".
|
|
|
|
David Letterman:
|
|
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
|
|
Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
|
|
haircut.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
|
|
|
|
Relationships:
|
|
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
|
|
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
|
|
basis".
|
|
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
|
|
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
|
|
she will get on with her life.
|
|
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
|
|
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
|
|
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
|
|
hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
|
|
always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
|
|
drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
|
|
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
|
|
these classes rarely prove effective.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
|
|
|
|
Shoes:
|
|
The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
|
|
boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
|
|
of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
|
|
|
|
Making friends:
|
|
A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
|
|
together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
|
|
A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
|
|
together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
|
|
sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
|
|
psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
|
|
sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
|
|
jerk, I guess you're OK."
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
|
|
|
|
Desserts:
|
|
A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
|
|
work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
|
|
she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
|
|
grabbing the cherry in the center.
|
|
|
|
Car repair:
|
|
The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
|
|
manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
|
|
himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
|
|
fixed without special tools".
|
|
The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
|
|
accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
|
|
car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
|
|
the average man.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
|
|
|
|
Weddings:
|
|
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
|
|
Men talk about "the bachelor party".
|
|
|
|
Clothes:
|
|
Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
|
|
he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
|
|
the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
|
|
the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
|
|
them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
|
|
Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
|
|
They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
|
|
|
|
Trust:
|
|
The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
|
|
around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
|
|
she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
|
|
OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
|
|
one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
|
|
his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
|
|
of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
|
|
so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
|
|
|
|
Driving:
|
|
|
|
A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
|
|
the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
|
|
him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
|
|
to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
|
|
Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
|
|
shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
|
|
price their policies accordingly.
|
|
A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
|
|
rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
|
|
her makeup.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
|
|
|
|
Bathrooms:
|
|
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
|
|
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
|
|
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
|
|
would not be able to identify most of these items.
|
|
|
|
Groceries:
|
|
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
|
|
and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
|
|
are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
|
|
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
|
|
his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
|
|
Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
|
|
|
|
Going Out:
|
|
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
|
|
out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
|
|
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
|
|
checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
|
|
|
|
Cats:
|
|
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
|
|
looking, men kick cats.
|
|
|
|
Offspring:
|
|
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
|
|
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
|
|
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
|
|
aware of some short people living in the house.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
|
|
|
|
Laundry:
|
|
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
|
|
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
|
|
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
|
|
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
|
|
of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
|
|
the laundromat. This is a myth.
|
|
|
|
Nicknames:
|
|
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
|
|
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
|
|
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
|
|
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
|
|
|
|
Socks:
|
|
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
|
|
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
|
|
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
|
|
|
|
CARTABLANCA:
|
|
Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
|
|
only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
|
|
trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
|
|
wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
|
|
fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
|
|
which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
|
|
|
|
MONOPOLI:
|
|
Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
|
|
games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
|
|
another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
|
|
Boardwalk property.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
|
|
|
|
O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
|
|
|
|
Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
|
|
shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
|
|
tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
|
|
the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
|
|
With Julie Christie.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
|
|
|
|
MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
|
|
Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
|
|
tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
|
|
into your heart.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
|
|
|
|
WITLESS:
|
|
Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
|
|
of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
|
|
run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
|
|
health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
|
|
reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
|
|
|
|
THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
|
|
This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
|
|
forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
|
|
make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
|
|
of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
|
|
and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
|
|
a glowing performance.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
|
|
|
|
RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
|
|
One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
|
|
and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
|
|
man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
|
|
|
|
OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
|
|
This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
|
|
frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
|
|
Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
|
|
Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
|
|
younger viewers.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
|
|
|
|
THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
|
|
The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
|
|
appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
|
|
(if sometimes fatal) lesson.
|
|
|
|
THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
|
|
The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
|
|
Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
|
|
of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
|
|
becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
|
|
|
|
THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
|
|
|
|
Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
|
|
everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
|
|
Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
|
|
|
|
It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
|
|
supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
|
|
more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
|
|
negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
|
|
negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
|
|
as that in support of an affirmative.
|
|
-- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
|
|
|
|
We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
|
|
left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
|
|
seems to us that someone has been very careless.
|
|
-- 78 So. 365.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
|
|
|
|
We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
|
|
may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
|
|
species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
|
|
of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
|
|
revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
|
|
it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
|
|
-- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
|
|
|
|
skilled oral communicator:
|
|
Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
|
|
Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
|
|
|
|
skilled written communicator:
|
|
Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
|
|
the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
|
|
|
|
growth potential:
|
|
With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training,
|
|
the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
|
|
the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
|
|
|
|
key company figure:
|
|
Serves as the perfect counter example.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
|
|
|
|
consistent:
|
|
Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
|
|
that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
|
|
|
|
an excellent sounding board:
|
|
Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
|
|
them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
|
|
|
|
a planner and organizer:
|
|
Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
|
|
animal tags on his clothing.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
|
|
|
|
has management potential:
|
|
Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
|
|
reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
|
|
pencil monitor.
|
|
|
|
inspirational:
|
|
A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
|
|
go I.")
|
|
|
|
adapts to stress:
|
|
Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
|
|
situation.
|
|
|
|
goal oriented:
|
|
Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
|
|
to meet them.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune favors the lucky.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
|
|
|
|
Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
|
|
|
|
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
|
|
And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
|
|
Cowboy cheerleaders.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
|
|
|
|
"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
|
|
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
|
|
Juliet, this bud's for you.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
|
|
|
|
If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
|
|
you've made happy.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
|
|
|
|
Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
|
|
No, I guess not.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
|
|
|
|
Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
|
|
|
|
"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
|
|
It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
|
|
|
|
A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
|
|
%
|
|
fortune: No such file or directory
|
|
%
|
|
fortune: not found
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune presents:
|
|
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
|
|
|
|
^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
|
|
Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
|
|
Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
|
|
renkontas. I've met.
|
|
La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
|
|
Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
|
|
Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
|
|
Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune presents:
|
|
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
|
|
|
|
^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
|
|
^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
|
|
^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
|
|
Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
|
|
Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
|
|
^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune presents:
|
|
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
|
|
|
|
Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
|
|
^cevalon.
|
|
Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
|
|
Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
|
|
Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
|
|
Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
|
|
Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
|
|
|
|
Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
|
|
Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
|
|
Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
|
|
Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
|
|
|
|
A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
|
|
Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
|
|
|
|
A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
|
|
Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
|
|
|
|
A: To be or not to be.
|
|
Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
|
|
|
|
A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
|
|
Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
|
|
|
|
A: Chicken Teriyaki.
|
|
Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
|
|
|
|
A: Go west, young man, go west!
|
|
Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
|
|
|
|
A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
|
|
Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
|
|
|
|
"And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
|
|
-- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
|
|
|
|
"Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
|
|
-- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
|
|
|
|
Try:
|
|
ar t "God"
|
|
drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
|
|
cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
|
|
Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
|
|
mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
|
|
rm God
|
|
man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
|
|
date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
|
|
make "heads or tails of all this"
|
|
who is smart
|
|
(C shell)
|
|
If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
|
|
sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune's current rates:
|
|
|
|
Answers .10
|
|
Long answers .25
|
|
Answers requiring thought .50
|
|
Correct answers $1.00
|
|
|
|
Dumb looks are still free.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune's diet truths:
|
|
1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
|
|
2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
|
|
3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
|
|
an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
|
|
4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
|
|
salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
|
|
5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
|
|
appealing as tepid beer.
|
|
6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
|
|
7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
|
|
low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
|
|
it isn't.
|
|
8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
|
|
9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
|
|
10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
|
|
11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
|
|
swallowing.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune's Exercising Truths:
|
|
|
|
1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
|
|
2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
|
|
3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
|
|
4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
|
|
5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
|
|
quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
|
|
you twitter around in your chair.
|
|
6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
|
|
7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
|
|
for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
|
|
racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
|
|
8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
|
|
followed by one throw-up.
|
|
9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
|
|
Christmas Rum Cake
|
|
|
|
1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
|
|
1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
|
|
1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
|
|
2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
|
|
2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
|
|
|
|
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
|
|
select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
|
|
must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
|
|
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
|
|
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
|
|
and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
|
|
Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
|
|
of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
|
|
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
|
|
for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
|
|
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
|
|
Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
|
|
strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
|
|
Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
|
|
poothtick comes out crean.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
|
|
A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
|
|
A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
|
|
A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
|
|
A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
|
|
rather than a spotted one.
|
|
Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
|
|
while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
|
|
legume-part of the pea family.
|
|
A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
|
|
The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
|
|
Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
|
|
Can you name the seven seas?
|
|
Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
|
|
North Pacific, South Pacific.
|
|
Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
|
|
Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
|
|
Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
|
|
|
|
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
|
|
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
|
|
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
|
|
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
|
|
at least once a year.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
|
|
|
|
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
|
|
can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
|
|
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
|
|
his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
|
|
ability in that particular field."
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
|
|
|
|
In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
|
|
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
|
|
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
|
|
A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
|
|
movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
|
|
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
|
|
|
|
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
|
|
a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
|
|
|
|
August 27, 1949:
|
|
A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
|
|
Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
|
|
What to do...
|
|
if reality disappears?
|
|
Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
|
|
can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
|
|
|
|
if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
|
|
traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
|
|
Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
|
|
Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
|
|
younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
|
|
expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
|
|
behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
|
|
when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
|
|
What to do...
|
|
if you get a phone call from Mars:
|
|
Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
|
|
your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
|
|
speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
|
|
|
|
if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
|
|
Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
|
|
If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
|
|
or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
|
|
calling.
|
|
|
|
if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
|
|
Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
|
|
he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
|
|
conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
|
|
charges may have been reversed.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
|
|
What to do...
|
|
if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
|
|
First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
|
|
film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
|
|
you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
|
|
they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
|
|
Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
|
|
wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
|
|
|
|
if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
|
|
closet contains an alternate dimension?
|
|
Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
|
|
and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
|
|
and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
|
|
wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
|
|
an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
|
|
|
|
WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
|
|
|
|
Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
|
|
of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
|
|
combination of beauty and power. Few have
|
|
excelled him in the use of the English language,
|
|
or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
|
|
'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
|
|
single poem ever written."
|
|
|
|
Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
|
|
doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
|
|
of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
|
|
bungling and greed of President
|
|
Roosevelt.
|
|
|
|
... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
|
|
not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
|
|
goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
|
|
House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
|
|
sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
|
|
and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
|
|
|
|
Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
|
|
having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
|
|
Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
|
|
Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
|
|
that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
|
|
amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
|
|
fertilization."
|
|
Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
|
|
teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
|
|
|
|
Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
|
|
your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
|
|
and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
|
|
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
|
|
%
|
|
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
|
|
|
|
Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
|
|
the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
|
|
the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
|
|
in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
|
|
incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
|
|
never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
|
|
memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
|
|
done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
|
|
the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
|
|
you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
|
|
the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
|
|
|
|
1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
|
|
2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
|
|
3: When replying to one of your own memos.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
|
|
|
|
Never goose a wolverine.
|
|
%
|
|
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
|
|
|
|
Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
|
|
%
|
|
Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
|
|
%
|
|
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
|
|
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
|
|
|
|
Four be the things I'd been better without:
|
|
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
|
|
|
|
Three be the things I shall never attain:
|
|
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
|
|
|
|
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
|
|
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
|
|
-- Inventory
|
|
%
|
|
Four be the things I'd been better without:
|
|
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
|
|
%
|
|
Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
|
|
tombstones, women and competitors.
|
|
-- Lord Thomas Dewar
|
|
%
|
|
Four hours to bury the cat?
|
|
Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
|
|
%
|
|
Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
|
|
ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
|
|
This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
|
|
-- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
|
|
%
|
|
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
|
|
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
|
|
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
|
|
|
|
Corollary:
|
|
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
|
|
study for that instructor's course.
|
|
%
|
|
Fourth Law of Revision:
|
|
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
|
|
interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
|
|
for you.
|
|
%
|
|
Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
|
|
-- Rhett Buggler
|
|
%
|
|
Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
|
|
-- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
|
|
%
|
|
Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
|
|
-- A Yippie Proverb
|
|
%
|
|
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
|
|
%
|
|
Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
|
|
%
|
|
Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
|
|
-- Camus
|
|
%
|
|
Freedom is slavery.
|
|
Ignorance is strength.
|
|
War is peace.
|
|
-- George Orwell
|
|
%
|
|
Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
|
|
%
|
|
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
|
|
-- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
|
|
%
|
|
Fremen add life to spice!
|
|
%
|
|
Fresco's Discovery:
|
|
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
|
|
%
|
|
Friction is a drag.
|
|
%
|
|
Fried's 1st Rule:
|
|
Increased automation of clerical function
|
|
invariably results in increased operational costs.
|
|
%
|
|
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
|
|
-- Thomas Jones
|
|
%
|
|
Friends, n:
|
|
People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
|
|
|
|
People who know you well, but like you anyway.
|
|
%
|
|
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
|
|
Let me clue you in;
|
|
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
|
|
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
|
|
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
|
|
The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
|
|
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
|
|
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
|
|
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a
|
|
real cool cat;
|
|
So are they all, all cool cats, --
|
|
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
|
|
%
|
|
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
|
|
over the other.
|
|
-- Honore de Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
|
|
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
|
|
%
|
|
From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
|
|
-- Ad for the new VW Corrado
|
|
%
|
|
From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
|
|
That is the point that must be reached.
|
|
-- F. Kafka
|
|
%
|
|
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
|
|
%
|
|
From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht
|
|
%
|
|
From the crystal swirling waters,
|
|
Of the Rio Amazon,
|
|
To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
|
|
Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
|
|
From ev'ry hallowed venue,
|
|
Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
|
|
Your butt is on the menu
|
|
And the check is in the mail.
|
|
-- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
|
|
%
|
|
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
|
|
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
From too much love of living,
|
|
From hope and fear set free,
|
|
We thank with brief thanskgiving,
|
|
Whatever gods may be,
|
|
That no life lives forever,
|
|
That dead men rise up never,
|
|
That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
|
|
-- Swinburne
|
|
%
|
|
F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
|
|
"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
|
|
Hemingway:
|
|
"Yes. They have more money."
|
|
%
|
|
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
|
|
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
|
|
%
|
|
Fun experiments:
|
|
Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
|
|
Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
|
|
bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
|
|
%
|
|
Fun Facts, #14:
|
|
In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
|
|
it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
|
|
%
|
|
Fun Facts, #63:
|
|
The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
|
|
It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
|
|
Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
|
|
1510.
|
|
%
|
|
Function reject.
|
|
%
|
|
Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
|
|
%
|
|
FURBLING:
|
|
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
|
|
even when you are the only person in line.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
furbling, v:
|
|
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
|
|
even when you are the only person in line.
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
|
|
-- H.H. Williams
|
|
%
|
|
Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
|
|
but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
|
|
%
|
|
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
|
|
%
|
|
Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
|
|
-- Joseph Stalin
|
|
%
|
|
Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
|
|
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
|
|
there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
|
|
%
|
|
Garbage In - Gospel Out.
|
|
%
|
|
Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
|
|
our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
|
|
-- Adventures of Asterix
|
|
%
|
|
Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
|
|
|
|
Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the
|
|
harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
|
|
"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
|
|
Obvious, isn't it?
|
|
Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
|
|
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
|
|
long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
|
|
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
|
|
so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
|
|
individuals and then grow....
|
|
Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
|
|
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
|
|
everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
|
|
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
|
|
backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?
|
|
I think not, my friend, I think not.
|
|
-- Arthur Naiman
|
|
%
|
|
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
|
|
A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
|
|
instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
|
|
the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
|
|
in it today, either.
|
|
%
|
|
GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
|
|
Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
|
|
can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
|
|
and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
|
|
trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
|
|
%
|
|
GENDERPLEX:
|
|
The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
|
|
determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises).
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
genderplex, n:
|
|
The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
|
|
determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
|
|
tortoises).
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
GENEALOGY:
|
|
An account of one's descent from an ancestor
|
|
who did not particularly care to trace his own.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
General notions are generally wrong.
|
|
-- Lady M.W. Montagu
|
|
%
|
|
Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
|
|
-- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
|
|
%
|
|
Generic Fortune.
|
|
%
|
|
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
|
|
%
|
|
Genetics explains why you look like your father,
|
|
and if you don't, why you should.
|
|
%
|
|
GENIUS:
|
|
A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright.
|
|
%
|
|
GENIUS:
|
|
Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
|
|
time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
|
|
all the right things to all the right people.
|
|
%
|
|
Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
|
|
-- Owen Meredith
|
|
%
|
|
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
|
|
-- Thomas Alva Edison
|
|
%
|
|
Genius is pain.
|
|
-- John Lennon
|
|
%
|
|
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
|
|
%
|
|
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
|
|
%
|
|
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
|
|
-- Elbert Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
genius, n:
|
|
A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
|
|
"bright".
|
|
%
|
|
genlock, n:
|
|
Why he stays in the bottle.
|
|
%
|
|
Gentlemen,
|
|
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
|
|
to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
|
|
with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
|
|
thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
|
|
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
|
|
manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
|
|
I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
|
|
Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
|
|
exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
|
|
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
|
|
for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
|
|
confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
|
|
regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
|
|
may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France,
|
|
a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
|
|
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
|
|
my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
|
|
why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
|
|
must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
|
|
one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
|
|
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
|
|
of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
|
|
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
|
|
-- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
|
|
London, 1812
|
|
%
|
|
Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
|
|
old girl friend.
|
|
%
|
|
George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
|
|
his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
|
|
"Bring a friend, if you have one."
|
|
|
|
Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
|
|
had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
|
|
"Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
|
|
%
|
|
George Orwell was an optimist.
|
|
%
|
|
George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
|
|
have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
|
|
-- Ashley Cooper
|
|
%
|
|
George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
|
|
me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
|
|
"Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
|
|
At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
|
|
and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
|
|
No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
|
|
George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
|
|
the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
|
|
Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
|
|
"Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
|
|
yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
|
|
"Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
|
|
gonna get on Labor Day."
|
|
%
|
|
(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
|
|
one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
|
|
"And he didn't understand me."
|
|
%
|
|
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
|
|
1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
|
|
2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
|
|
3) The energy required to change either one of these states
|
|
will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
|
|
much as to make the task totally impossible.
|
|
%
|
|
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
|
|
%
|
|
Get GUMMed
|
|
----------
|
|
|
|
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076
|
|
(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground
|
|
directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the
|
|
hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with
|
|
forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and
|
|
sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the
|
|
ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown
|
|
of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You
|
|
Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
|
|
"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
|
|
Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all
|
|
GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell
|
|
them.
|
|
-- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984
|
|
%
|
|
Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
|
|
-- Dylan Thomas
|
|
%
|
|
Getting into trouble is easy.
|
|
-- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
|
|
%
|
|
Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
|
|
out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
|
|
-- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
|
|
of the American Bar Association
|
|
%
|
|
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
|
|
|
|
Corollary:
|
|
Following the rules will not get the job done.
|
|
%
|
|
Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
|
|
%
|
|
Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
|
|
|
|
'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
|
|
Snatch them from their little housies (...)
|
|
First we chase them 'round the field (...)
|
|
Then we have them for a meal (...)
|
|
|
|
Toss them here and catch them there (...)
|
|
See them flying through the air (...)
|
|
Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
|
|
Falling mice have great appeal (...)
|
|
|
|
See the hunter stretched before us (...)
|
|
He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
|
|
Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
|
|
Of the blood of little critters (...)
|
|
%
|
|
Gilbert's Discovery:
|
|
Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
|
|
sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
|
|
%
|
|
Gil-galad was an Elven-King
|
|
of him the harpers sadly sing;
|
|
the last whose realm was fair and free
|
|
between the Mountains and the Sea.
|
|
|
|
His sword was long, his lance was keen,
|
|
his shining helm afar was seen;
|
|
the countless stars of heaven's field
|
|
were mirrored in his silver shield.
|
|
|
|
But long ago he rode away,
|
|
and where he dwelleth none can say;
|
|
for into darkness fell his star
|
|
in Mordor where the shadows are.
|
|
%
|
|
Ginger Snap
|
|
%
|
|
Ginsberg's Theorem:
|
|
1. You can't win.
|
|
2. You can't break even.
|
|
3. You can't even quit the game.
|
|
|
|
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
|
|
|
|
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
|
|
meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
|
|
Theorem. To wit:
|
|
|
|
1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
|
|
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
|
|
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
|
|
%
|
|
Ginsburg's Law:
|
|
At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
|
|
big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
|
|
%
|
|
GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
|
|
%
|
|
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
|
|
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
|
|
-- Calvin Keegan
|
|
%
|
|
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
|
|
that everything he encounters needs pounding.
|
|
%
|
|
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
|
|
%
|
|
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
|
|
that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
|
|
%
|
|
Give him an evasive answer.
|
|
%
|
|
Give me a fish and I will eat today.
|
|
Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
|
|
%
|
|
Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
|
|
dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
|
|
%
|
|
Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
|
|
%
|
|
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
|
|
-- St. Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
Give me libertines or give me meth.
|
|
%
|
|
Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
|
|
Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
|
|
But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
|
|
Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
|
|
-- George Canning
|
|
%
|
|
Give me your students, your secretaries,
|
|
Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
|
|
The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
|
|
Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
|
|
I lift my disk beside the processor.
|
|
-- Inscription on a Word Processor
|
|
%
|
|
Give thought to your reputation.
|
|
Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
|
|
%
|
|
GIVE UP!!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
|
|
%
|
|
Give your very best today.
|
|
Heaven knows it's little enough.
|
|
%
|
|
Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
|
|
-- William Faulkner
|
|
%
|
|
Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
|
|
Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
|
|
-- John Gilmore
|
|
%
|
|
Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
|
|
%
|
|
Given sufficient time, what you put
|
|
off doing today will get done by itself.
|
|
%
|
|
Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
|
|
rather lie around. No contest.
|
|
-- Eric Clapton
|
|
%
|
|
Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
|
|
car keys to teenage boys.
|
|
-- P.J. O'Rourke
|
|
%
|
|
Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
|
|
whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
|
|
LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
|
|
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
|
|
%
|
|
GLEEMITES:
|
|
Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
|
|
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
|
|
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
|
|
some useful work done.
|
|
%
|
|
Gloffing is a state of mine.
|
|
%
|
|
Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
|
|
fifth of dry red wine
|
|
fifth of Aquavit
|
|
1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
|
|
10 cardamom seeds
|
|
1 cup raisins
|
|
4 dried figs
|
|
1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
|
|
a few pieces of dried orange peel
|
|
5 cloves
|
|
1/2 lb. sugar cubes
|
|
Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
|
|
for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
|
|
the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
|
|
strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
|
|
Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
|
|
hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
|
|
N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
|
|
if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
|
|
extraction.
|
|
%
|
|
Go ahead... make my day.
|
|
-- Dirty Harry
|
|
%
|
|
Go ahead, make my day.
|
|
-- Harry Callahan
|
|
%
|
|
Go away, I'm all right.
|
|
-- H.G. Wells' last words.
|
|
%
|
|
Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
|
|
"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
|
|
|
|
logout
|
|
%
|
|
Go climb a gravity well.
|
|
%
|
|
Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
|
|
%
|
|
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
|
|
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
|
|
%
|
|
Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go
|
|
into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this
|
|
morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to
|
|
start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home
|
|
%
|
|
Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
|
|
-- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
|
|
%
|
|
Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
|
|
but quickly to their misfortunes.
|
|
-- Chilo
|
|
%
|
|
Go to a movie tonight.
|
|
Darkness becomes you.
|
|
%
|
|
Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
|
|
all your troubles.
|
|
-- Andrew Jackson
|
|
|
|
The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
|
|
teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
|
|
in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
|
|
-- Calvin Coolidge
|
|
|
|
Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
|
|
religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
|
|
on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
|
|
secure which is not supported by moral habits.
|
|
-- Daniel Webster
|
|
%
|
|
Go 'way! You're bothering me!
|
|
%
|
|
Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
|
|
-- Wally Shawn
|
|
%
|
|
GOD:
|
|
Darwin's chief rival.
|
|
%
|
|
God created a few perfect heads.
|
|
The rest he covered with hair.
|
|
%
|
|
God created woman.
|
|
And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
|
|
but many other things ceased as well.
|
|
Woman was God's second mistake.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed
|
|
around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
|
|
%
|
|
God gave man two ears and one tongue so
|
|
that we listen twice as much as we speak.
|
|
-- Arab proverb
|
|
%
|
|
God gives burdens; also shoulders.
|
|
|
|
Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
|
|
at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
|
|
saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
|
|
though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
|
|
-- Arthur Naiman
|
|
%
|
|
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
|
|
%
|
|
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
|
|
change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
|
|
%
|
|
God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
|
|
The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
|
|
not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
|
|
not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
|
|
and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
|
|
not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
|
|
morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
|
|
-- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
|
|
%
|
|
God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
|
|
that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
|
|
-- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
|
|
%
|
|
God help those who do not help themselves.
|
|
-- Wilson Mizner
|
|
%
|
|
God helps them that helps themselves.
|
|
-- B. Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
|
|
%
|
|
God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
|
|
but by pains and contradictions.
|
|
-- De Caussade
|
|
%
|
|
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
|
|
%
|
|
God is a polytheist.
|
|
%
|
|
God is Dead.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
Nietzsche is Dead.
|
|
-- God
|
|
Nietzsche is God.
|
|
-- Dead
|
|
%
|
|
God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
|
|
-- Ralph Moonen
|
|
%
|
|
God is love, but get it in writing.
|
|
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
|
|
%
|
|
God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
|
|
much less ambitious project.
|
|
%
|
|
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
|
|
%
|
|
God is real, unless declared integer.
|
|
%
|
|
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
|
|
elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
|
|
other things.
|
|
-- Pablo Picasso
|
|
%
|
|
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
|
|
-- Alfred Jarry
|
|
%
|
|
God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
|
|
%
|
|
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
|
|
%
|
|
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
|
|
-- Paul Valery
|
|
%
|
|
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
|
|
%
|
|
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
|
|
-- Kronecker
|
|
%
|
|
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
|
|
%
|
|
God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
|
|
%
|
|
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
|
|
%
|
|
God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
|
|
Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
|
|
The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
|
|
Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
|
|
The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
|
|
Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
|
|
(chorus) (chorus)
|
|
|
|
We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
|
|
They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
|
|
A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
|
|
It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
|
|
The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
|
|
We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
|
|
(chorus) (chorus)
|
|
|
|
And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
|
|
Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
|
|
We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
|
|
Won't ruin your whole day.
|
|
You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
|
|
(chorus)
|
|
-- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
|
|
%
|
|
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
|
|
and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
|
|
-- William Bragg
|
|
%
|
|
God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
|
|
%
|
|
God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
|
|
%
|
|
God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
|
|
to receive it.
|
|
-- Austin O'Malley
|
|
%
|
|
God votes Republican.
|
|
%
|
|
God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
|
|
-- Samuel Butler
|
|
%
|
|
Goda's Truism:
|
|
By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
|
|
somebody moves the ends.
|
|
%
|
|
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
|
|
%
|
|
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
|
|
make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
|
|
%
|
|
Gold, n:
|
|
A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
|
|
is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
|
|
men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
|
|
although gold hasn't done anything to them.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
Goldenstern's Rules:
|
|
1. Always hire a rich attorney.
|
|
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
|
|
%
|
|
Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
|
|
eating before he bursts.
|
|
%
|
|
Gold's Law:
|
|
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
|
|
%
|
|
Gomme's Laws:
|
|
(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
|
|
(2) Time accelerates.
|
|
(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
|
|
%
|
|
Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
|
|
-- by Margaret Mitchell
|
|
|
|
A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
|
|
|
|
Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
|
|
-- by O. Henry
|
|
|
|
A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
|
|
|
|
The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
|
|
-- by Ernest Hemingway
|
|
|
|
An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
|
|
|
|
Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
|
|
-- by Anne Frank
|
|
|
|
A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
|
|
%
|
|
Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
|
|
%
|
|
Good advice is something a man gives
|
|
when he is too old to set a bad example.
|
|
-- La Rouchefoucauld
|
|
%
|
|
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
|
|
%
|
|
Good day for business affairs.
|
|
Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
|
|
%
|
|
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
|
|
%
|
|
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
|
|
%
|
|
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
|
|
%
|
|
Good day to deal with people in high places;
|
|
particularly lonely stewardesses.
|
|
%
|
|
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
|
|
%
|
|
Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
|
|
at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
|
|
ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
|
|
song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
|
|
%
|
|
Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
|
|
%
|
|
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
|
|
%
|
|
Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
|
|
those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
|
|
will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
|
|
government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
|
|
-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
|
|
%
|
|
"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
|
|
%
|
|
Good judgement comes from experience.
|
|
Experience comes from bad judgement.
|
|
-- Jim Horning
|
|
%
|
|
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
|
|
%
|
|
Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
|
|
giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
|
|
at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
|
|
%
|
|
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
|
|
%
|
|
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
|
|
%
|
|
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
|
|
%
|
|
Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
|
|
%
|
|
Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
|
|
%
|
|
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
|
|
new lover.
|
|
%
|
|
Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
|
|
-- R.E. Schenk
|
|
%
|
|
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
|
|
-- Gail Godwin
|
|
%
|
|
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
|
|
-- George Saunders' dying words
|
|
%
|
|
Goodbye, cool world.
|
|
%
|
|
Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
|
|
tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human
|
|
misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
|
|
that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
|
|
my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
|
|
my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
|
|
holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
|
|
-- George Lincoln Rockwell
|
|
%
|
|
Gordon's Law:
|
|
If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
|
|
%
|
|
gossip, n:
|
|
Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
|
|
-- Earl Wilson
|
|
%
|
|
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
|
|
%
|
|
Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
|
|
Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
|
|
|
|
1-800-AUDITME
|
|
%
|
|
Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
|
|
%
|
|
Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
|
|
I went out for a ride and never came back.
|
|
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
|
|
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
|
|
|
|
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
|
|
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
|
|
Lay down your money and you play your part,
|
|
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
|
|
|
|
I met her in a Kingstown bar,
|
|
We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
|
|
We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
|
|
Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
|
|
|
|
Everybody needs a place to rest,
|
|
Everybody wants to have a home.
|
|
Don't make no difference what nobody says,
|
|
Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
|
|
-- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
|
|
%
|
|
Got Mole problems?
|
|
Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
|
|
%
|
|
Gourmet, n:
|
|
Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
|
|
revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
|
|
leaving the best part.
|
|
%
|
|
Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
|
|
more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
|
|
know much.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know
|
|
any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
|
|
doesn't know much.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
Government's Law:
|
|
There is an exception to all laws.
|
|
%
|
|
Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
|
|
leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
|
|
board.
|
|
-- Princess Leia Organa
|
|
%
|
|
Grabel's Law:
|
|
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
|
|
%
|
|
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
|
|
%
|
|
Graduate students and most professors are
|
|
no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
|
|
%
|
|
Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
|
|
he exclaimed:
|
|
"I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
|
|
or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
|
|
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
|
|
|
|
[I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Graphics blind the eyes.
|
|
Audio files deafen the ear.
|
|
Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
|
|
Heuristics weaken the mind.
|
|
Options wither the heart.
|
|
|
|
The Guru observes the net
|
|
but trusts his inner vision.
|
|
He allows things to come and go.
|
|
His heart is as open as the ether.
|
|
%
|
|
GRASSHOPPOTAMUS:
|
|
A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
|
|
%
|
|
Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
|
|
-- Joseph Alsop
|
|
%
|
|
GRAVITY:
|
|
What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
|
|
%
|
|
Gravity brings me down.
|
|
%
|
|
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
|
|
%
|
|
Gray's Law of Programming:
|
|
'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
|
|
accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
|
|
|
|
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
|
|
'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
|
|
%
|
|
Great acts are made up of small deeds.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
Great American Axiom:
|
|
Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
|
|
%
|
|
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
|
|
|
|
On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
|
|
place of residence.
|
|
%
|
|
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
|
|
|
|
Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
|
|
%
|
|
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
|
|
|
|
Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
|
|
%
|
|
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
|
|
They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
|
|
also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
|
|
-- Carl Sagan
|
|
%
|
|
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
|
|
%
|
|
Green light in A.M. for new projects.
|
|
Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
|
|
%
|
|
Green's Law of Debate:
|
|
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
|
|
%
|
|
Grelb's Reminder:
|
|
Eighty percent of all people consider
|
|
themselves to be above average drivers.
|
|
%
|
|
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
|
|
%
|
|
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
|
|
value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Griffin's Thought:
|
|
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
|
|
%
|
|
Grig (the navigator):
|
|
... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
|
|
armada.
|
|
Alex (the gunner):
|
|
What?!?
|
|
Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
|
|
overwhelming odds.
|
|
Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
|
|
Grig: That's the spirit!
|
|
-- The Last Starfighter
|
|
%
|
|
Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
|
|
At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
|
|
%
|
|
Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
|
|
groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
|
|
-- Johnny Carson
|
|
%
|
|
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
|
|
better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
|
|
during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
|
|
"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
|
|
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
|
|
maybe, but not in the House."
|
|
%
|
|
Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
|
|
-- Maurice Chevalier
|
|
%
|
|
Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
|
|
reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
|
|
concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
|
|
disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
|
|
any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
|
|
meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
|
|
Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
|
|
adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
|
|
authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
|
|
television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
|
|
sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
|
|
combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
|
|
universe while straddling a giant worm.
|
|
-- Arnold Klein
|
|
%
|
|
Grub first, then ethics.
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht
|
|
%
|
|
GUILLOTINE:
|
|
A French chopping center.
|
|
%
|
|
Gumperson's Law:
|
|
The probability of a given event
|
|
occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
|
|
%
|
|
Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
|
|
%
|
|
Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
|
|
(1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
|
|
the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
|
|
(2) The strength of the turbulence
|
|
is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
|
|
%
|
|
GURMLISH:
|
|
The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
|
|
the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
gurmlish, n.:
|
|
The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
|
|
prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof
|
|
of his mouth.
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
GURU:
|
|
A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
|
|
a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
|
|
phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
|
|
%
|
|
guru, n:
|
|
A computer owner who can read the manual.
|
|
%
|
|
gy-ro-scope:
|
|
A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
|
|
free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to
|
|
each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
|
|
two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
|
|
torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
|
|
entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
|
|
the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction
|
|
of the axis of spin.
|
|
-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
|
|
%
|
|
hacker, n:
|
|
Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
|
|
things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
|
|
philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
|
|
In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
|
|
of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
|
|
a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
|
|
and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
|
|
|
|
Hacker's Fight Song
|
|
|
|
He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
|
|
He's a guy with the happy knack!
|
|
Never bungles, never shirks,
|
|
Always gets his stuff to work!
|
|
|
|
All take a drink (important!)
|
|
%
|
|
Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
|
|
%
|
|
Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
|
|
2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
|
|
really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
|
|
1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
|
|
strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
|
|
1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
|
|
8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
|
|
can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
|
|
"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
|
|
join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
|
|
merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
|
|
and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
|
|
beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
|
|
the ceiling(3m).
|
|
"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
|
|
just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
|
|
If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
|
|
GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
|
|
"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
|
|
for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
|
|
by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
|
|
%
|
|
Hacker's Law:
|
|
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
|
|
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
|
|
%
|
|
Hackers of the world, unite!
|
|
%
|
|
Hacker's Quicky #313:
|
|
Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
|
|
Microwave Egg Roll
|
|
Chocolate Milk
|
|
%
|
|
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
|
|
%
|
|
"Had he and I but met
|
|
By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
|
|
We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
|
|
Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
|
|
And killed him in his place.
|
|
I shot him dead because --
|
|
Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
|
|
Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
|
|
That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
|
|
No other reason why.
|
|
Yes; quaint and curious war is!
|
|
You shoot a fellow down
|
|
You'd treat, if met where any bar is
|
|
Or help to half-a-crown."
|
|
-- Thomas Hardy
|
|
%
|
|
Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
|
|
useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
|
|
-- Alfonso the Wise
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to operating system initialization.]
|
|
%
|
|
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
|
|
fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
|
|
%
|
|
Hail to the sun god
|
|
He's such a fun god
|
|
Ra! Ra! Ra!
|
|
%
|
|
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
|
|
%
|
|
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
|
|
a big enough majority in any town?
|
|
-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
|
|
%
|
|
Hale Mail Rule, The:
|
|
When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
|
|
one of the following:
|
|
(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
|
|
(b) Stationery.
|
|
(c) Postage stamp.
|
|
(d) The letter you are answering.
|
|
%
|
|
Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
|
|
But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
|
|
But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
|
|
When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
|
|
%
|
|
Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
|
|
%
|
|
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
|
|
%
|
|
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
|
|
and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
|
|
%
|
|
half-done, n:
|
|
This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
|
|
light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
|
|
and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
|
|
difference between life and death.
|
|
|
|
You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
|
|
in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
|
|
fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
|
|
transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
|
|
Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
|
|
about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
|
|
man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
|
|
-- Arthur Naiman
|
|
%
|
|
Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
|
|
%
|
|
Hall's Laws of Politics:
|
|
(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
|
|
(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
|
|
something fixed.
|
|
(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
|
|
military spending, and conservatives social spending in
|
|
their own districts).
|
|
%
|
|
hand, n:
|
|
A singular instrument worn at the end of a human
|
|
arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
|
|
%
|
|
Handel's Proverb:
|
|
You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
|
|
%
|
|
handshaking protocol, n:
|
|
A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
|
|
terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
|
|
occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
|
|
%
|
|
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
|
|
-- Pink Floyd
|
|
%
|
|
hangover, n:
|
|
The wrath of grapes.
|
|
%
|
|
Hanlon's Razor:
|
|
Never attribute to malice
|
|
that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
|
|
%
|
|
Hanson's Treatment of Time:
|
|
There are never enough hours in a day,
|
|
but always too many days before Saturday.
|
|
%
|
|
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
|
|
%
|
|
happiness, adv:
|
|
An agreeable sensation arising
|
|
from contemplating the misery of another.
|
|
%
|
|
happiness, adv:
|
|
Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
|
|
%
|
|
Happiness is a hard disk.
|
|
%
|
|
Happiness is a positive cash flow.
|
|
%
|
|
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
|
|
-- Ingrid Bergman
|
|
%
|
|
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
|
|
%
|
|
Happiness is the greatest good.
|
|
%
|
|
Happiness is twin floppies.
|
|
%
|
|
Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
|
|
%
|
|
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
|
|
-- Oscar Levant
|
|
%
|
|
Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
|
|
%
|
|
Happy feast of the pig!
|
|
%
|
|
Happy is the child whose father died rich.
|
|
%
|
|
hard, adj:
|
|
The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
|
|
of other people.
|
|
%
|
|
Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
|
|
-- Daniel Dennett
|
|
%
|
|
Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
|
|
%
|
|
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
|
|
-- Charlie McCarthy
|
|
%
|
|
Hardware:
|
|
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
|
|
%
|
|
Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin
|
|
and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast
|
|
sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world.
|
|
Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and
|
|
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
|
|
lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
|
|
not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
|
|
for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
|
|
Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
|
|
%
|
|
hardware, n:
|
|
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
|
|
%
|
|
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
|
|
The Duke is fond of kittens
|
|
He likes to take their insides out
|
|
And use them for his mittens
|
|
-- The Thirteen Clocks
|
|
%
|
|
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
|
|
Advertising wondrous things.
|
|
|
|
Angels we have heard on High
|
|
Tell us to go out and Buy.
|
|
%
|
|
Harp not on that string.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
%
|
|
Harriet's Dining Observation:
|
|
In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
|
|
increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
|
|
%
|
|
Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
|
|
and I were waiting with our plates ready.
|
|
"Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
|
|
the gravy with."
|
|
The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
|
|
reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
|
|
again, Harris and the pie were gone!
|
|
It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
|
|
hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
|
|
on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
|
|
George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
|
|
"Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
|
|
"They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
|
|
There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
|
|
theory.
|
|
"I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
|
|
to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
|
|
And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
|
|
hadn't been carving that pie."
|
|
-- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
|
|
%
|
|
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
|
|
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
|
|
equipment ruined.
|
|
%
|
|
Harrison's Postulate:
|
|
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
|
|
%
|
|
Harris's Lament:
|
|
All the good ones are taken.
|
|
%
|
|
Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
|
|
always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
|
|
required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
|
|
were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
|
|
feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
|
|
a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
|
|
pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
|
|
procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
|
|
took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
|
|
the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
|
|
again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
|
|
waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
|
|
Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
|
|
was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
|
|
could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
|
|
you know."
|
|
%
|
|
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
|
|
all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
|
|
its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
|
|
romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
|
|
wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They
|
|
amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
|
|
We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
|
|
We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
|
|
milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
|
|
sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
|
|
with all that pep and vitality.
|
|
%
|
|
Hartley's First Law:
|
|
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
|
|
get him to float on his back, you've got something.
|
|
%
|
|
Hartley's Second Law:
|
|
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
|
|
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
|
|
|
|
My corollary:
|
|
The completely psychotic have all the fun.
|
|
%
|
|
Harvard Law:
|
|
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
|
|
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
|
|
organism will do as it damn well pleases.
|
|
%
|
|
HARVARD:
|
|
Quarterback:
|
|
Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
|
|
a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
|
|
has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
|
|
has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
|
|
Wide Receiver:
|
|
The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
|
|
Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
|
|
fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
|
|
or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
|
|
asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
|
|
those times.
|
|
YALE:
|
|
Defense:
|
|
On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
|
|
Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
|
|
Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
|
|
the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
|
|
out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
|
|
coin toss.
|
|
-- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
|
|
%
|
|
Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
|
|
%
|
|
"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
|
|
"Yes; I don't have one."
|
|
"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
|
|
-- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
|
|
%
|
|
Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to
|
|
defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
|
|
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
|
|
Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
|
|
still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only
|
|
serves to blunt the warning signs.
|
|
|
|
Long live the revolution!
|
|
Have a nice day.
|
|
%
|
|
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
|
|
with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
|
|
was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
|
|
It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
|
|
but a lot harder than it appears.
|
|
%
|
|
Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
|
|
appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
|
|
and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
|
|
not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
|
|
incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
|
|
%
|
|
Haste makes waste.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
Hatcheck girl:
|
|
"Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
|
|
Mae West:
|
|
"Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
|
|
-- "Night After Night", 1932
|
|
%
|
|
Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
|
|
stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
|
|
%
|
|
Hate the sin and love the sinner.
|
|
-- Mahatma Gandhi
|
|
%
|
|
Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
|
|
unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
|
|
-- Mike Royko
|
|
%
|
|
hatred, n:
|
|
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
|
|
%
|
|
Have a coke and a smile!
|
|
-- John DeLorean
|
|
%
|
|
Have a nice day!
|
|
%
|
|
Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
|
|
%
|
|
Have a place for everything and keep the thing
|
|
somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Have a taco.
|
|
-- P.S. Beagle
|
|
%
|
|
Have at you!
|
|
%
|
|
Have no friends not equal to yourself.
|
|
-- Confucius
|
|
%
|
|
Have the courage to take your own thoughts
|
|
seriously, for they will shape you.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
|
|
halfway between an oven and a pasture?
|
|
walking in a trance toward a pregnant
|
|
seventeen-year-old housewife's
|
|
two-day-old cookbook?
|
|
-- Richard Brautigan
|
|
%
|
|
Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
|
|
|
|
Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
|
|
she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
|
|
whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
|
|
So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
|
|
remain so.
|
|
-- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
|
|
%
|
|
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
|
|
to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
|
|
never find the time for play?
|
|
%
|
|
Have you flogged your kid today?
|
|
%
|
|
Have you locked your file cabinet?
|
|
%
|
|
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
|
|
vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
|
|
%
|
|
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
|
|
photograph an American with his mouth shut!
|
|
%
|
|
Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
|
|
Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
|
|
In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
|
|
Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
|
|
|
|
How can you tell me you're lonely,
|
|
And say for you the sun don't shine?
|
|
Let me take you by the hand
|
|
Lead you through the streets of London
|
|
I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
|
|
|
|
Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
|
|
Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
|
|
In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
|
|
For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
|
|
%
|
|
Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
|
|
On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
|
|
High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
|
|
Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
|
|
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
|
|
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
|
|
...
|
|
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
|
|
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
|
|
Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
|
|
Or umberellas, in their mitts,
|
|
Puttin' on the Ritz.
|
|
...
|
|
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
|
|
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
|
|
Puttin' on the Ritz.
|
|
Puttin' on the Ritz.
|
|
Puttin' on the Ritz.
|
|
Puttin' on the Ritz.
|
|
%
|
|
Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
|
|
in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
|
|
then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
|
|
eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
|
|
blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
|
|
the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
|
|
-- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
|
|
%
|
|
Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
|
|
%
|
|
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
|
|
-- Martin Mull
|
|
%
|
|
Having no talent is no longer enough.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
%
|
|
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
%
|
|
Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
|
|
-- Socrates
|
|
%
|
|
Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
|
|
relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
|
|
the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
|
|
"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
|
|
dog, too!"
|
|
%
|
|
"Hawk, we're going to die."
|
|
"Never say die... and certainly never say we."
|
|
-- M*A*S*H
|
|
%
|
|
Hawkeye's Conclusion:
|
|
It's not easy to play the clown
|
|
when you've got to run the whole circus.
|
|
%
|
|
He: Do you like Kipling?
|
|
She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
|
|
%
|
|
He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
|
|
She: "What do you want me to yell?"
|
|
-- Benny Hill
|
|
%
|
|
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
|
|
SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
|
|
-- Walt Kelley
|
|
%
|
|
He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
|
|
-- S. Wright
|
|
%
|
|
He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
|
|
the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
|
|
-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
|
|
%
|
|
He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
|
|
%
|
|
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
|
|
finer than the staple of his argument.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
|
|
%
|
|
He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
|
|
%
|
|
He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
|
|
perfectly delightful.
|
|
-- Sydney Smith
|
|
%
|
|
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
|
|
and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
|
|
all hope of ever behaving "normally."
|
|
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
|
|
%
|
|
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
|
|
Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
|
|
-- Stig's Inferno
|
|
%
|
|
He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
|
|
-- Bion
|
|
%
|
|
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
|
|
%
|
|
He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
|
|
of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
|
|
said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
|
|
-- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
|
|
%
|
|
He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
|
|
-- John LeCarre
|
|
%
|
|
He is considered a most graceful speaker
|
|
who can say nothing in the most words.
|
|
%
|
|
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
|
|
%
|
|
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
He is the best of men who dislikes power.
|
|
-- Mohammed
|
|
%
|
|
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
|
|
%
|
|
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
|
|
-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
|
|
%
|
|
He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
|
|
%
|
|
He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
|
|
-- Geoffrey Chaucer
|
|
%
|
|
He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
|
|
-- Sir Richard Burton
|
|
%
|
|
He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
|
|
once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
|
|
%
|
|
He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
|
|
-- Ring Lardner
|
|
%
|
|
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
|
|
-- Andrew Lang
|
|
%
|
|
He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
|
|
had fallen to the ground.
|
|
-- The Book of Serenity
|
|
%
|
|
(He opens a tolm and begins.)
|
|
|
|
It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
|
|
Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
|
|
The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
|
|
I must translate it otherwise.
|
|
If I am well inspired and not blind.
|
|
It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
|
|
Ponder that first line, wait and see,
|
|
Lest you should write too hastily.
|
|
Is the Mind the all-creating source?
|
|
It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
|
|
Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
|
|
That my translation must be changed again.
|
|
The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
|
|
I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
|
|
-- Goethe's Faust
|
|
%
|
|
[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
|
|
-- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear.
|
|
|
|
My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
|
|
-- Peter Stack, movie review
|
|
|
|
His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
|
|
-- John Stark, movie review
|
|
%
|
|
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
|
|
-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
|
|
%
|
|
He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
|
|
And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
|
|
-- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
|
|
%
|
|
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
|
|
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
|
|
%
|
|
He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
|
|
-- Scottish proverb.
|
|
%
|
|
He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
|
|
-- B. Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
|
|
%
|
|
He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
|
|
-- Benjamin Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
|
|
%
|
|
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
|
|
%
|
|
He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
|
|
-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
|
|
%
|
|
He thought he saw an albatross
|
|
That fluttered 'round the lamp.
|
|
He looked again and saw it was
|
|
A penny postage stamp.
|
|
"You'd best be getting home," he said,
|
|
"The nights are rather damp."
|
|
%
|
|
He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
|
|
three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
|
|
In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
|
|
slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
|
|
the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
|
|
-- Eric Van Lustbader
|
|
%
|
|
[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
|
|
a complete set.
|
|
-- Ring Lardner
|
|
%
|
|
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
|
|
%
|
|
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
|
|
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
|
|
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
|
|
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
|
|
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
|
|
-- Jack Handey
|
|
%
|
|
He was part of my dream, of course --
|
|
but then I was part of his dream too.
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
|
|
%
|
|
He was the sort of person whose personality
|
|
would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
|
|
%
|
|
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
|
|
%
|
|
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
|
|
broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
|
|
-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
|
|
%
|
|
He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
|
|
the human condition is a fool.
|
|
-- Albert Camus
|
|
%
|
|
He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
|
|
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
|
|
-- Honore de Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
|
|
-- Sinbad
|
|
%
|
|
He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
|
|
%
|
|
He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
|
|
%
|
|
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
|
|
%
|
|
He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
|
|
%
|
|
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
|
|
%
|
|
He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
|
|
a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
|
|
-- Giacomo Leopardi
|
|
%
|
|
He who hates vices hates mankind.
|
|
%
|
|
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
He who hesitates is last.
|
|
%
|
|
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
|
|
%
|
|
He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
|
|
%
|
|
He who invents adages for others to peruse
|
|
takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
|
|
%
|
|
He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
|
|
%
|
|
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
|
|
%
|
|
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
|
|
%
|
|
He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
|
|
encounter many rivals.
|
|
-- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
|
|
%
|
|
He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
|
|
night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
|
|
senses until the day of judgement.
|
|
-- Saadi
|
|
%
|
|
He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
|
|
%
|
|
He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
|
|
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
|
|
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
|
|
%
|
|
He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
|
|
But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
|
|
And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
|
|
he knows something. Or something like that.
|
|
%
|
|
He who knows others is wise.
|
|
He who knows himself is enlightened.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht
|
|
%
|
|
He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
|
|
%
|
|
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
|
|
%
|
|
He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
|
|
%
|
|
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
|
|
%
|
|
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
|
|
%
|
|
He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
|
|
%
|
|
He who laughs, lasts.
|
|
%
|
|
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
|
|
%
|
|
He who loses, wins the race,
|
|
And parallel lines meet in space.
|
|
-- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
|
|
%
|
|
He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
|
|
-- Dr. Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
|
|
%
|
|
He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
|
|
be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
|
|
-- Sir Richard Burton
|
|
%
|
|
He who slings mud generally loses ground.
|
|
-- Adlai Stevenson
|
|
%
|
|
He who slings mud loses ground.
|
|
-- Chinese Proverb
|
|
%
|
|
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
|
|
%
|
|
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
|
|
%
|
|
He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
|
|
-- Sinbad
|
|
%
|
|
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
|
|
-- M.C. Escher
|
|
%
|
|
He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
|
|
on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
|
|
education and culture.
|
|
-- Julia Norton McCorkle
|
|
%
|
|
HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
|
|
Details at 11.
|
|
%
|
|
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
|
|
%
|
|
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
|
|
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
|
|
-- Redd Foxx
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
|
|
started chiseling on his wife?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
|
|
would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
|
|
attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
|
|
up a chopped libber?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
|
|
he wanted to transcend dental medication?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
|
|
that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
|
|
Space"?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about...
|
|
the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
|
|
company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
|
|
typewriter's ribbon?
|
|
%
|
|
Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
|
|
Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
|
|
%
|
|
Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
|
|
From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
|
|
-- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
|
|
%
|
|
Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
|
|
Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
|
|
%
|
|
Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
|
|
-- The Wizard of Oz
|
|
%
|
|
Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
|
|
on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
|
|
-- Dr. John Lightfoot,
|
|
Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
|
|
%
|
|
heaven, n:
|
|
A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
|
|
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
|
|
you expound your own.
|
|
%
|
|
Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
|
|
-- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
|
|
%
|
|
heavy, adj:
|
|
Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
|
|
%
|
|
Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
|
|
%
|
|
Heisenberg may have been here.
|
|
%
|
|
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
|
|
-- Milton Friedman
|
|
%
|
|
Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
|
|
for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
|
|
-- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
|
|
%
|
|
Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
|
|
how are they supposed to know you care?
|
|
%
|
|
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
|
|
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
|
|
%
|
|
hell, n:
|
|
Truth seen too late.
|
|
%
|
|
Heller's Law:
|
|
The first myth of management is that it exists.
|
|
%
|
|
Heller's Law:
|
|
The first myth of management is that it exists.
|
|
|
|
Johnson's Corollary:
|
|
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
|
|
organization.
|
|
%
|
|
Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
|
|
please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
|
|
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
|
|
%
|
|
Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
|
|
date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
|
|
And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
|
|
you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
|
|
smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
|
|
don't hear your girl screaming any more?
|
|
|
|
Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
|
|
You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
|
|
You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
|
|
%
|
|
"Hello," he lied.
|
|
-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
|
|
%
|
|
Hell's broken loose.
|
|
-- Robert Greene
|
|
%
|
|
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
|
|
%
|
|
Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
|
|
%
|
|
HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
|
|
%
|
|
HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
|
|
-- E. E. CUMMINGS
|
|
%
|
|
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
|
|
%
|
|
HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
|
|
%
|
|
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
|
|
%
|
|
Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
|
|
%
|
|
Hempstone's Question:
|
|
If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
|
|
%
|
|
Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
|
|
getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
|
|
her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
|
|
regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
|
|
them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
|
|
them, without any power of engaging their respect.
|
|
-- J. Austen
|
|
%
|
|
Her locks an ancient lady gave
|
|
Her loving husband's life to save;
|
|
And men -- they honored so the dame --
|
|
Upon some stars bestowed her name.
|
|
|
|
But to our modern married fair,
|
|
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
|
|
No stellar recognition's given.
|
|
There are not stars enough in heaven.
|
|
%
|
|
Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
|
|
One fortunate cookie...
|
|
%
|
|
Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
|
|
from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth...
|
|
%
|
|
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
|
|
%
|
|
Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
|
|
I've been caught inside this trap too many times
|
|
I must've walked these steps and said these words a
|
|
thousand times before
|
|
It seems like I know everybody's lines.
|
|
-- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
|
|
%
|
|
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
|
|
I grow up.
|
|
-- Peter Drucker
|
|
%
|
|
Here I sit, broken-hearted,
|
|
All logged in, but work unstarted.
|
|
First net.this and net.that,
|
|
And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
|
|
|
|
The boss comes by, and I play the game,
|
|
Then I turn back to net.flame.
|
|
Is there a cure (I need your views),
|
|
For someone trapped in net.news?
|
|
|
|
I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
|
|
'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
|
|
%
|
|
Here in my heart, I am Helen;
|
|
I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
|
|
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
|
|
I'm Salome, moon of the East.
|
|
|
|
Here in my soul I am Sappho;
|
|
Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
|
|
In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
|
|
With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
|
|
|
|
I'm all of the glamorous ladies
|
|
At whose beckoning history shook.
|
|
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
|
|
So I stay at home with a book.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
|
|
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
|
|
hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you
|
|
notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This
|
|
teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
|
|
use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
|
|
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
|
|
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
|
|
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
|
|
The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
|
|
where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
|
|
down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
|
|
if you're alive, it isn't.
|
|
%
|
|
Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
|
|
to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
|
|
marketing anxiety in China.
|
|
|
|
The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
|
|
inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
|
|
|
|
Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
|
|
|
|
The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
|
|
a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
|
|
tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
|
|
satiric vistas do not open up.
|
|
-- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
|
|
%
|
|
HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
|
|
SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
|
|
NO LES
|
|
NO MOORE
|
|
-- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
|
|
%
|
|
Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
|
|
Now she's at rest, and so am I.
|
|
-- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
|
|
%
|
|
Here there by tygers.
|
|
%
|
|
HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
|
|
the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
|
|
around as if you're going to fall.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
|
|
`Psychic Wins Lottery.'
|
|
-- Jay Leno
|
|
%
|
|
Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
|
|
King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
|
|
|
|
* Governmental offices
|
|
* Post offices
|
|
* Libraries
|
|
* Schools
|
|
* Banks
|
|
* Parts of Palm Beach
|
|
|
|
and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
|
|
-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
|
|
%
|
|
Herth's Law:
|
|
He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
|
|
%
|
|
He's been like a father to me,
|
|
He's the only DJ you can get after three,
|
|
I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
|
|
And why he don't like me I don't understand.
|
|
-- The Byrds
|
|
%
|
|
He's dead, Jim.
|
|
%
|
|
He's got the heart of a little child,
|
|
and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
|
|
%
|
|
He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
|
|
%
|
|
He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
|
|
%
|
|
He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
|
|
his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
|
|
-- Phil Lapsley
|
|
%
|
|
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
|
|
be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
|
|
%
|
|
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
|
|
If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
|
|
%
|
|
Hewett's Observation:
|
|
The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
|
|
her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
|
|
peers similarly engaged.
|
|
%
|
|
Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
|
|
To get a little more stack;
|
|
If that's not enough then you lose it all
|
|
And have to pop all the way back.
|
|
%
|
|
Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
|
|
gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
|
|
%
|
|
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
|
|
Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
|
|
tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
|
|
these words were spoken.
|
|
%
|
|
"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
|
|
"Whattaya need?"
|
|
"Oh, about $500."
|
|
"Whattaya got for collateral?"
|
|
"Whattaya need?"
|
|
"How about an eye?"
|
|
-- Sam Giancana
|
|
%
|
|
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
|
|
*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
|
|
-- Gallagher
|
|
%
|
|
Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
|
|
Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
|
|
%
|
|
Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
|
|
the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
|
|
leave your name and message after the beep...
|
|
%
|
|
Hi! How are things going?
|
|
(just fine, thank you...)
|
|
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
|
|
(you just asked one...)
|
|
Well, how about one more?
|
|
(one more than the first one?)
|
|
Yes.
|
|
(you already asked that...)
|
|
[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
|
|
May I ask two questions, sir?
|
|
(no.)
|
|
May I ask ONE then?
|
|
(nope...)
|
|
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
|
|
(yes, you may.)
|
|
Sir, how may I ask you a question?
|
|
(you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
|
|
the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
|
|
number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
|
|
next one)
|
|
Sir, may I ask nine questions?
|
|
(go right ahead...)
|
|
%
|
|
Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As
|
|
you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal
|
|
height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have
|
|
a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the
|
|
makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is
|
|
different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training,
|
|
there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a
|
|
cabin cruiser.
|
|
|
|
Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
|
|
motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
|
|
You wanna help on the audit now?
|
|
%
|
|
Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
|
|
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
|
|
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
|
|
%
|
|
Hickery Dickery Dock,
|
|
The mice ran up the clock,
|
|
The clock struck one,
|
|
The others escaped with minor injuries.
|
|
%
|
|
Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
|
|
|
|
WE CAN HELP!
|
|
|
|
Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
|
|
%
|
|
Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
|
|
Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
|
|
Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
|
|
Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
|
|
We buried him today because
|
|
As far as we can tell, he's dead.
|
|
|
|
-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
|
|
Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher;
|
|
"The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
|
|
%
|
|
Higgeldy Piggeldy,
|
|
Hamlet of Elsinore
|
|
Ruffled the critics by
|
|
Dropping this bomb:
|
|
"Phooey on Freud and his
|
|
Psychoanalysis,
|
|
Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
|
|
I just loved Mom."
|
|
%
|
|
Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
|
|
Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
|
|
little of both.
|
|
-- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
|
|
%
|
|
High heels are a device invented by a woman
|
|
who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
|
|
%
|
|
High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
|
|
Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
|
|
saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
|
|
smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
|
|
people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
|
|
breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
|
|
High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
|
|
Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
|
|
out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
|
|
*Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
|
|
counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
|
|
count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
|
|
RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
|
|
then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
|
|
naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
|
|
All: Amen.
|
|
-- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
|
|
%
|
|
HIGH TECHNOLOGY:
|
|
A California innovation composed
|
|
of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
|
|
%
|
|
Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
|
|
%
|
|
Hildebrant's Principle:
|
|
If you don't know where you are going,
|
|
any road will get you there.
|
|
%
|
|
Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
|
|
Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
|
|
Him: "Really? That's incredible...
|
|
It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
|
|
-- "The Jerk"
|
|
%
|
|
Hindsight is always 20:20.
|
|
-- Billy Wilder
|
|
%
|
|
Hindsight is an exact science.
|
|
%
|
|
hippogriff, n:
|
|
An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
|
|
The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
|
|
eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
|
|
eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.
|
|
The study of zoology is full of surprises.
|
|
%
|
|
Hire the morally handicapped.
|
|
%
|
|
His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
|
|
a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
|
|
-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
|
|
%
|
|
...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
|
|
-- Tommy
|
|
%
|
|
"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
|
|
outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
|
|
%
|
|
His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
|
|
to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
|
|
claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
|
|
stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
|
|
Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
|
|
went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
|
|
prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
|
|
goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
|
|
the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
|
|
Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
|
|
rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
|
|
Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
|
|
-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
|
|
%
|
|
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
|
|
%
|
|
His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
|
|
-- P.G. Wodehouse
|
|
%
|
|
His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
|
|
%
|
|
His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
|
|
-- Foghorn Leghorn
|
|
%
|
|
His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
|
|
%
|
|
Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
|
|
of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
|
|
continues to this day.
|
|
-- Wayne Shannon
|
|
%
|
|
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
|
|
%
|
|
History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
|
|
of the Mexican revolution:
|
|
|
|
"Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
|
|
captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
|
|
shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
|
|
the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
|
|
army where he was then executed."
|
|
%
|
|
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
|
|
i.e. none to speak of.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
History is curious stuff
|
|
You'd think by now we had enough
|
|
Yet the fact remains I fear
|
|
They make more of it every year.
|
|
%
|
|
History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
|
|
cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
|
|
-- Leo Tolstoy
|
|
%
|
|
History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
|
|
%
|
|
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
|
|
-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
|
|
%
|
|
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
|
|
%
|
|
History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
|
|
time as bedroom farce.
|
|
%
|
|
History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
|
|
%
|
|
History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
|
|
periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
|
|
asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
|
|
intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
|
|
state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
|
|
-- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
|
|
%
|
|
Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
|
|
Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
|
|
Pour my black old coffee longer,
|
|
While that smell is gettin' stronger
|
|
A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
|
|
|
|
Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
|
|
With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
|
|
If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
|
|
The Lord'll bless your sharin'
|
|
A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
|
|
|
|
And let me halfway fall in love,
|
|
For part of a lonely night,
|
|
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
|
|
Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
|
|
Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
|
|
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
|
|
-- Elroy Blunt
|
|
%
|
|
Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
|
|
The stapler runs out of staples
|
|
only while you are trying to staple something.
|
|
%
|
|
H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken.
|
|
There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
|
|
-- Maxwell Bodenhein
|
|
%
|
|
H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L.
|
|
Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
|
|
-- Maxwell Bodenheim
|
|
%
|
|
H.L. Mencken's Law:
|
|
Those who can -- do.
|
|
Those who can't -- teach.
|
|
|
|
Martin's Extension:
|
|
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
|
|
|
|
[No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Hlade's Law:
|
|
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
|
|
they will find an easier way to do it.
|
|
%
|
|
Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
|
|
An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
|
|
|
|
The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
|
|
media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
|
|
discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
|
|
our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
|
|
structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
|
|
remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
|
|
creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
|
|
inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
|
|
class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
|
|
the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
|
|
sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
|
|
exist in a more fundamental sense.
|
|
%
|
|
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
|
|
Inside every large problem is a small
|
|
problem struggling to get out.
|
|
%
|
|
Hodie natus est radici frater.
|
|
%
|
|
Hoffer's Discovery:
|
|
The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
|
|
revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
|
|
%
|
|
Hofstadter's Law:
|
|
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
|
|
Hofstadter's Law into account.
|
|
%
|
|
HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
|
|
Take a shot every time:
|
|
|
|
-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
|
|
-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
|
|
-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
|
|
-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
|
|
-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
|
|
if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
|
|
-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
|
|
-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
|
|
tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
|
|
-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
|
|
-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
|
|
-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
|
|
-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
|
|
-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
|
|
-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
|
|
-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
|
|
-- Lebeau wears his apron.
|
|
-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
|
|
plan is impossible.
|
|
-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
|
|
%
|
|
Hollerith, v:
|
|
What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
|
|
%
|
|
Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
|
|
Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
|
|
|
|
Tune in again tomorrow:
|
|
same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
|
|
%
|
|
HOLY MACRO!
|
|
%
|
|
Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
|
|
they have to take you in.
|
|
-- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
|
|
%
|
|
Home is where the hurt is.
|
|
%
|
|
Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
|
|
cage is to a cockatoo.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
|
|
%
|
|
"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
|
|
-- Samuel Butler
|
|
%
|
|
Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
|
|
-- Plato
|
|
%
|
|
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
|
|
-- F.M. Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
Honesty's the best policy.
|
|
-- Miguel de Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
honeymoon, n:
|
|
A short period of doting between dating and debting.
|
|
-- Ray C. Bandy
|
|
%
|
|
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
|
|
%
|
|
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
|
|
%
|
|
honorable, adj:
|
|
Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
|
|
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable;
|
|
as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
|
|
%
|
|
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
|
|
-- Francis Bacon
|
|
%
|
|
Hope is a waking dream.
|
|
-- Aristotle
|
|
%
|
|
Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
|
|
-- M. Horner
|
|
%
|
|
Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
|
|
%
|
|
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
|
|
-- Peanuts
|
|
%
|
|
Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
|
|
as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
|
|
-- Moore
|
|
%
|
|
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
|
|
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
|
|
%
|
|
Horngren's Observation:
|
|
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
|
|
%
|
|
Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
|
|
-- Jack Benny
|
|
%
|
|
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
|
|
%
|
|
HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
|
|
%
|
|
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
|
|
had towels from my house.
|
|
-- Mark Guido
|
|
%
|
|
Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
|
|
%
|
|
Household hint:
|
|
If you are out of cream for your coffee,
|
|
mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
|
|
%
|
|
Housework can kill you if done right.
|
|
-- Erma Bombeck
|
|
%
|
|
Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
|
|
-- Neil Armstrong
|
|
%
|
|
How apt the poor are to be proud.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
|
|
%
|
|
How can you be in two places at once
|
|
when you're not anywhere at all?
|
|
%
|
|
How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
|
|
-- Schulz
|
|
%
|
|
How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
|
|
-- Charles de Gaulle
|
|
%
|
|
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
|
|
-- Pink Floyd
|
|
%
|
|
How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
|
|
thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
|
|
in the waking state?
|
|
-- Plato
|
|
%
|
|
How can you think and hit at the same time?
|
|
-- Yogi Berra
|
|
%
|
|
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
|
|
%
|
|
How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
|
|
%
|
|
How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
|
|
claim they'll make you?
|
|
%
|
|
How come we never talk anymore?
|
|
%
|
|
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
|
|
%
|
|
How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
|
|
in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
|
|
-- A. Cooper
|
|
%
|
|
How could they think women a recreation?
|
|
Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
|
|
Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
|
|
of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
|
|
be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
|
|
Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
|
|
I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
|
|
of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
|
|
The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
|
|
Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
|
|
A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
|
|
I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
|
|
for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
|
|
To ambergris. But not for recreation.
|
|
I would not have lost so much for recreation.
|
|
|
|
Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
|
|
of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
|
|
Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
|
|
have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way.
|
|
But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
|
|
To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
|
|
and call and call forever till she turn from bird
|
|
to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
|
|
To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
|
|
in all her fresh particularity of difference.
|
|
Then oh, through the underwater time of night
|
|
indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
|
|
This I have done with my life, and am content.
|
|
I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
|
|
standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
|
|
-- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
|
|
%
|
|
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
|
|
-- Elliot, "E.T."
|
|
%
|
|
"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
|
|
to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
|
|
"I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
|
|
replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
|
|
you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
|
|
deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
|
|
second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
|
|
in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
|
|
licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
|
|
examined his claws.
|
|
"If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
|
|
hers and not my own, not ever again."
|
|
-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
|
|
%
|
|
How doth the little crocodile
|
|
Improve his shining tail,
|
|
And pour the waters of the Nile
|
|
On every golden scale!
|
|
|
|
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
|
|
How neatly spreads his claws,
|
|
And welcomes little fishes in,
|
|
With gently smiling jaws!
|
|
%
|
|
How doth the VAX's C-compiler
|
|
Improve its object code.
|
|
And even as we speak does it
|
|
Increase the system load.
|
|
|
|
How patiently it seems to run
|
|
And spit out error flags,
|
|
While users, with frustration, all
|
|
Tear their clothes to rags.
|
|
%
|
|
How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
|
|
journalists, and they believe what they read.
|
|
-- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
|
|
%
|
|
How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
|
|
%
|
|
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
|
|
%
|
|
How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
|
|
-- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
|
|
%
|
|
How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
|
|
a waiter at a nice party?
|
|
Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
|
|
d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
|
|
inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is
|
|
cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
|
|
bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
|
|
%
|
|
How many weeks are there in a light year?
|
|
%
|
|
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
|
|
-- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle
|
|
%
|
|
How much does she love you?
|
|
Less than you'll ever know.
|
|
%
|
|
How much for your women? I want to buy your
|
|
daughter... how much for the little girl?
|
|
-- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
|
|
%
|
|
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
|
|
%
|
|
How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
|
|
%
|
|
How often I found where I should be going
|
|
only by setting out for somewhere else.
|
|
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
|
|
%
|
|
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
|
|
%
|
|
How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
|
|
-- Linus Van Pelt
|
|
%
|
|
How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
|
|
-- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
|
|
%
|
|
How untasteful can you get?
|
|
%
|
|
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
|
|
%
|
|
How you look depends on where you go.
|
|
%
|
|
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
|
|
in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
|
|
-- Tom K. Ryan
|
|
%
|
|
However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
|
|
is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
|
|
There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
|
|
or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
|
|
powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
|
|
sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
|
|
not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
|
|
government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
|
|
with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
|
|
threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
|
|
tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
|
|
that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
|
|
"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
|
|
claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
|
|
angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
|
|
who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
|
|
call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
|
|
of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
|
|
in the name of "conservatism."
|
|
-- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
|
|
%
|
|
HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
|
|
that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
|
|
changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
|
|
was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
|
|
amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
|
|
was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
|
|
-- Albuquerque Journal
|
|
%
|
|
Hubbard's Law:
|
|
Don't take life too seriously;
|
|
you won't get out of it alive.
|
|
%
|
|
Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
|
|
Oh wait...
|
|
I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
|
|
Never mind.
|
|
%
|
|
Huh?
|
|
%
|
|
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
|
|
%
|
|
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
|
|
Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
|
|
table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
|
|
a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
|
|
walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
|
|
x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
|
|
%
|
|
Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
|
|
-- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
|
|
%
|
|
Human resources are human first, and resources second.
|
|
-- J. Garbers
|
|
%
|
|
Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
|
|
responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
|
|
immature.
|
|
-- Tom Robbins
|
|
%
|
|
Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
|
|
-- Alan Kay
|
|
%
|
|
Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
|
|
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
|
|
%
|
|
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
|
|
%
|
|
Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
|
|
-- William Gilbert
|
|
%
|
|
Humorists always sit at the children's table.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
|
|
chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
|
|
jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
|
|
state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
|
|
through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
|
|
"With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
|
|
Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
|
|
You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
|
|
dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
|
|
oil!"
|
|
-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
|
|
%
|
|
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
|
|
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
|
|
All the king's horses,
|
|
And all the king's men,
|
|
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
|
|
%
|
|
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
|
|
%
|
|
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
|
|
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
|
|
to... to... uh.....
|
|
%
|
|
I:
|
|
The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
|
|
with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
|
|
II:
|
|
If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
|
|
probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
|
|
III:
|
|
There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
|
|
IV:
|
|
If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
|
|
V:
|
|
One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
|
|
Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
|
|
output.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
|
|
There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
|
|
-- Gallagher
|
|
%
|
|
I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
|
|
are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
|
|
carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
|
|
terrifies people the most.
|
|
-- Bob Dylan
|
|
%
|
|
I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
|
|
-- John Hinckley
|
|
%
|
|
I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
|
|
-- Muhammad Ali
|
|
%
|
|
I allow the world to live as it chooses,
|
|
and I allow myself to live as I choose.
|
|
%
|
|
I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
|
|
or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
|
|
viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
|
|
-- Richard M. Nixon
|
|
|
|
What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
|
|
-- Richard M. Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
|
|
good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
|
|
%
|
|
I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
|
|
-- David Bowie
|
|
%
|
|
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
|
|
It is never any good to oneself.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
|
|
%
|
|
I always say beauty is only sin deep.
|
|
-- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
|
|
%
|
|
I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
|
|
accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
|
|
-- Chief Justice Earl Warren
|
|
%
|
|
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
|
|
-- Joe E. Lewis
|
|
%
|
|
I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
|
|
'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
|
|
I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
|
|
On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
|
|
I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
|
|
The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
|
|
Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
|
|
And a cow. And a cow.
|
|
|
|
The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
|
|
Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
|
|
The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
|
|
It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
|
|
Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
|
|
One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
|
|
Two game wardens, seven hunters,
|
|
And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
|
|
%
|
|
I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
|
|
person, you will not sell me another book.
|
|
%
|
|
I am a computer.
|
|
I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
|
|
%
|
|
I am a conscientious man, when I throw
|
|
rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
|
|
%
|
|
I am a deeply superficial person.
|
|
-- Andy Warhol
|
|
%
|
|
I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
|
|
than be one.
|
|
-- Clarence Darrow
|
|
%
|
|
I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
|
|
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
|
|
%
|
|
I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
|
|
limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
|
|
-- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
|
|
%
|
|
I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
I am changing my name to Chrysler
|
|
I am going down to Washington, D.C.
|
|
I will tell some power broker
|
|
What they did for Iacocca
|
|
Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
|
|
|
|
I am changing my name to Chrysler,
|
|
I am heading for that great receiving line.
|
|
When they hand a million grand out,
|
|
I'll be standing with my hand out,
|
|
Yessir, I'll get mine!
|
|
%
|
|
I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
|
|
for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
|
|
is to suffer for others.
|
|
-- Cesar Chavez
|
|
%
|
|
I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
|
|
quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
|
|
otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
|
|
-- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
|
|
%
|
|
I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
|
|
-- Katharine Whitehorn
|
|
%
|
|
I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
|
|
I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
|
|
was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
|
|
pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you
|
|
that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
|
|
globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I
|
|
can't help it. I was born sneering.
|
|
-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
|
|
%
|
|
I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
|
|
-- Yul Brynner, 1956
|
|
%
|
|
I am looking for a honest man.
|
|
-- Diogenes the Cynic
|
|
%
|
|
I am NOMAD!
|
|
%
|
|
I am not a crook.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
|
|
-- A. Ward
|
|
%
|
|
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
|
|
-- William Allen White
|
|
%
|
|
I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
|
|
-- Paul McCracken
|
|
%
|
|
I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
|
|
-- Gloria Steinem
|
|
%
|
|
I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
|
|
(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
|
|
-- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
|
|
%
|
|
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
|
|
for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
|
|
-- W. Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
|
|
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
|
|
-- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
|
|
%
|
|
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
|
|
%
|
|
I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
|
|
%
|
|
I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
|
|
-- John Donne
|
|
%
|
|
I am two with nature.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
|
|
I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
|
|
sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
|
|
loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
|
|
-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
|
|
University of Tennessee at Knoxville
|
|
%
|
|
I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
|
|
why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
|
|
small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
|
|
would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
|
|
Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
|
|
them completely, even molding the keypads.
|
|
-- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
|
|
%
|
|
I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
|
|
ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
|
|
%
|
|
I B M
|
|
U B M
|
|
We all B M
|
|
For I B M!!!!
|
|
-- H.A.R.L.I.E.
|
|
%
|
|
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
|
|
-- Gilda Radner
|
|
%
|
|
I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
|
|
perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
|
|
I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
|
|
and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
|
|
a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
|
|
together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
|
|
wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
|
|
the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
|
|
be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
|
|
to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
|
|
as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
|
|
twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
|
|
with time.
|
|
-- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
|
|
%
|
|
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
|
|
particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
|
|
-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
|
|
how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
|
|
to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
|
|
political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
|
|
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
|
|
the people who might elect him.
|
|
-- John F. Kennedy
|
|
%
|
|
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton
|
|
%
|
|
I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I believe that professional wrestling is clean
|
|
and everything else in the world is fixed.
|
|
-- Frank Deford, sports writer
|
|
%
|
|
I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
|
|
thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
|
|
total discrediting of the world of reality.
|
|
-- Salvador Dali
|
|
%
|
|
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
I bet the human brain is a kludge.
|
|
-- Marvin Minsky
|
|
%
|
|
I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
|
|
the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
|
|
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
|
|
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
|
|
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
|
|
-- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
|
|
a visit to a London veterans hospital
|
|
%
|
|
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
|
|
Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
|
|
box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
|
|
relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
|
|
psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
|
|
more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
|
|
sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
|
|
be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
|
|
as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
|
|
thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
|
|
the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
|
|
your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
|
|
your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
|
|
apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
|
|
down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
|
|
-- Townsend Davis
|
|
%
|
|
I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
|
|
-- Biff Barf
|
|
%
|
|
I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
|
|
They're still living in the fifties.
|
|
-- Strange de Jim
|
|
%
|
|
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
|
|
%
|
|
I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
|
|
All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
|
|
-- Firesign Theatre
|
|
%
|
|
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
|
|
%
|
|
I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
|
|
-- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
|
|
%
|
|
I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
|
|
-- Jay Gould
|
|
%
|
|
I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
|
|
and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
|
|
-- Larry Lee
|
|
%
|
|
I can relate to that.
|
|
%
|
|
I can resist anything but temptation.
|
|
%
|
|
I can see him a'comin'
|
|
With his big boots on,
|
|
With his big thumb out,
|
|
He wants to get me.
|
|
He wants to hurt me.
|
|
He wants to bring me down.
|
|
But some time later,
|
|
When I feel a little straighter,
|
|
I'll come across a stranger
|
|
Who'll remind me of the danger,
|
|
And then.... I'll run him over.
|
|
Pretty smart on my part!
|
|
To find my way... In the dark!
|
|
-- Phil Ochs
|
|
%
|
|
I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
|
|
and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
|
|
-- A.J. Liebling
|
|
%
|
|
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
|
|
-- Lillian Hellman
|
|
%
|
|
I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
|
|
%
|
|
I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
|
|
If it be man's work I will do it.
|
|
%
|
|
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
|
|
-- Steven Pearl
|
|
%
|
|
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
|
|
-- Joe Walsh
|
|
%
|
|
I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
|
|
-- Florence Henderson
|
|
%
|
|
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
|
|
-- Phil Harris
|
|
%
|
|
I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
|
|
If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
|
|
I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
|
|
Your Socks Outside-in
|
|
I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
|
|
Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
|
|
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
|
|
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
|
|
I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
|
|
-- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
|
|
%
|
|
I can't mate in captivity.
|
|
-- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
|
|
%
|
|
I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
|
|
It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
|
|
-- Robert Benchley
|
|
%
|
|
I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
|
|
-- Albert Anastasia
|
|
%
|
|
I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
|
|
forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
|
|
-- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
|
|
Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
|
|
Party Conference
|
|
%
|
|
I can't understand it.
|
|
I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
|
|
-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
|
|
%
|
|
I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
|
|
novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
|
|
-- Fred Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
|
|
I'm frightened of the old ones.
|
|
-- John Cage
|
|
%
|
|
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
|
|
keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
|
|
up a child.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
|
|
a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
|
|
-- Michael Prichard
|
|
%
|
|
I consider a new device or technology to have been
|
|
culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
|
|
-- M. Gallaher
|
|
%
|
|
I consider the day misspent that I am not
|
|
either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
|
|
-- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
|
|
%
|
|
I could never learn to like her --
|
|
except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
|
|
%
|
|
I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
|
|
time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
|
|
-- Peter Oakley
|
|
%
|
|
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
|
|
%
|
|
I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
|
|
I should have to believe in it in this one.
|
|
-- Strange de Jim
|
|
%
|
|
I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
|
|
-- Bart Simpson
|
|
%
|
|
I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
|
|
But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
|
|
-- Rita Gain
|
|
%
|
|
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
|
|
%
|
|
I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
|
|
The curtain was up.
|
|
%
|
|
"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
I disagree with what you say, but will defend
|
|
to the death your right to tell such LIES!
|
|
%
|
|
I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
|
|
and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
|
|
unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
|
|
you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
|
|
-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
|
|
%
|
|
I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
|
|
too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
|
|
-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
|
|
%
|
|
I do desire we may be better strangers.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
|
|
%
|
|
I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
|
|
%
|
|
I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
|
|
exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds
|
|
entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail
|
|
to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to
|
|
perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again
|
|
from the top down, the result is always different.
|
|
-- Mrs. La Touche
|
|
%
|
|
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
|
|
Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
|
|
nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
|
|
-- Thomas Paine
|
|
%
|
|
I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
|
|
quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
|
|
the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
|
|
and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
|
|
-- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
|
|
threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
|
|
Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
|
|
Cardinals backed down and played.
|
|
%
|
|
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
|
|
-- Isaac Asimov
|
|
%
|
|
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
|
|
sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
|
|
-- Galileo Galilei
|
|
%
|
|
I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
|
|
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
|
|
any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
|
|
comes nearest to it of any.
|
|
-- Henry David Thoreau
|
|
%
|
|
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
|
|
butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
|
|
-- Chuang-tzu
|
|
%
|
|
I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
|
|
starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
|
|
reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
|
|
devote it to research in mathematics.
|
|
-- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
|
|
%
|
|
I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
|
|
I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
|
|
tiresome.
|
|
-- I Ching
|
|
%
|
|
I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
|
|
-- Salvador Dali
|
|
%
|
|
I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an
|
|
Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
|
|
-- James Quirk
|
|
%
|
|
I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
|
|
run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
|
|
husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
|
|
-- Heard in Bethlehem
|
|
%
|
|
I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
|
|
-- Calvin Trillin
|
|
%
|
|
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
|
|
deserve that either.
|
|
-- Jack Benny
|
|
%
|
|
I don't do it for the money.
|
|
-- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
|
|
%
|
|
I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
|
|
-- K. Coates
|
|
%
|
|
I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
|
|
-- Katherine Cebrian
|
|
%
|
|
I don't get no respect.
|
|
%
|
|
I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
|
|
I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
|
|
%
|
|
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
|
|
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
|
|
%
|
|
I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
|
|
hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
|
|
-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
|
|
%
|
|
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
|
|
globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
|
|
-- Bruce Baum
|
|
%
|
|
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
|
|
-- Elvis Presley
|
|
%
|
|
I don't know what Descartes' got,
|
|
But booze can do what Kant cannot.
|
|
-- Mike Cross
|
|
%
|
|
I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
|
|
more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
|
|
-- Abraham Lincoln
|
|
%
|
|
I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
|
|
-- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974
|
|
%
|
|
I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
|
|
%
|
|
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
|
|
because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
|
|
-- Clarence Darrow
|
|
%
|
|
I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
|
|
I don't trust him.
|
|
-- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
|
|
with Dutch Schultz.
|
|
|
|
I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
|
|
trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
|
|
-- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
|
|
"Legs" Diamond.
|
|
%
|
|
I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
|
|
-- Cash McCall
|
|
%
|
|
I don't mind arguing with myself.
|
|
It's when I lose that it bothers me.
|
|
-- Richard Powers
|
|
%
|
|
I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
|
|
streets and frighten the horses.
|
|
-- Victor Hugo
|
|
%
|
|
I don't need no arms around me...
|
|
I don't need no drugs to calm me...
|
|
I have seen the writing on the wall.
|
|
Don't think I need anything at all.
|
|
No! Don't think I need anything at all!
|
|
All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
|
|
All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
|
|
-- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
|
|
%
|
|
I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
|
|
%
|
|
I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
|
|
he starts to practice law.
|
|
-- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
|
|
Attorney-General.
|
|
%
|
|
I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
|
|
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
|
|
Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon, 1972
|
|
%
|
|
"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
|
|
to the sea and drown yourselves."
|
|
|
|
"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
|
|
you human beings don't."
|
|
-- James Thurber
|
|
%
|
|
I don't understand you anymore.
|
|
%
|
|
I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
|
|
But there will definitely be a party tonight...
|
|
%
|
|
I don't want a pickle,
|
|
I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
|
|
And I don't want to die,
|
|
I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
|
|
-- Arlo Guthrie
|
|
%
|
|
I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
|
|
-- Jean Anouilh
|
|
%
|
|
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
|
|
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
|
|
%
|
|
I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
|
|
%
|
|
I dote on his very absence.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
%
|
|
I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
|
|
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
|
|
succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a
|
|
goal in front and not behind.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
I drink to make other people interesting.
|
|
-- George Jean Nathan
|
|
%
|
|
I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
|
|
%
|
|
I enjoy the time that we spend together.
|
|
%
|
|
I exist, therefore I am paid.
|
|
%
|
|
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
|
|
%
|
|
I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
|
|
%
|
|
I fell asleep reading a dull book,
|
|
and I dreamt that I was reading on,
|
|
so I woke up from sheer boredom.
|
|
%
|
|
I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
|
|
honest difference of opinion.
|
|
- Isaac Asimov
|
|
%
|
|
I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
|
|
I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
|
|
-- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
|
|
just shot.
|
|
%
|
|
I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
|
|
-- Augustus Caesar
|
|
%
|
|
I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
|
|
I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
|
|
I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
|
|
I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
|
|
|
|
How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
|
|
How can there be a building, that has no floor?
|
|
How can there be a program, that has no end?
|
|
How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
|
|
|
|
An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
|
|
A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
|
|
A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
|
|
I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
|
|
%
|
|
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
|
|
-- Chauncey Depew
|
|
%
|
|
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
|
|
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
|
|
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
|
|
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
|
|
|
|
Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
|
|
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
|
|
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
|
|
And think of the places my get-up has been.
|
|
-- Pete Seeger
|
|
%
|
|
I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
|
|
-- Beauregard Bugleboy
|
|
%
|
|
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
I go the way that Providence dictates.
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler
|
|
%
|
|
"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
|
|
pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
|
|
said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
|
|
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
|
|
at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
|
|
with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
|
|
Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
|
|
'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
|
|
The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
|
|
It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
|
|
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
|
|
would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
|
|
I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
|
|
and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
|
|
called me again."
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
|
|
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
|
|
farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
|
|
wearing masks for.
|
|
-- James Boren
|
|
%
|
|
I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
|
|
theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
|
|
other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
|
|
stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
|
|
long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
|
|
$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
|
|
a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
|
|
-- Butch Cassidy
|
|
%
|
|
I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
|
|
and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
|
|
|
|
No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
|
|
human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
|
|
you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
|
|
generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
|
|
puppet.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
|
|
was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
|
|
being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
|
|
time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
|
|
win -- or even how you won.
|
|
-- Cash McCall
|
|
%
|
|
I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
|
|
other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
|
|
-- Hal Clement
|
|
%
|
|
I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
|
|
Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
|
|
one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
|
|
-- D. Cavett
|
|
%
|
|
I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
|
|
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I had a dream last night...
|
|
I dreamt about 1976.
|
|
I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
|
|
I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
|
|
Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
|
|
so I went back to sleep again.
|
|
-- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
|
|
%
|
|
I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
|
|
depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
|
|
see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
|
|
through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
|
|
why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
|
|
dinner and I let it go.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
|
|
in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
|
|
Beach."
|
|
-- The Stunt Man
|
|
%
|
|
I had another dream the other day about government financial management
|
|
people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
|
|
had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
|
|
%
|
|
I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
|
|
and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
|
|
painting by Goya.
|
|
-- Stravinsky
|
|
%
|
|
I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
|
|
people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
|
|
put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
|
|
power to make things different is a bitch.
|
|
-- Miles Davis
|
|
%
|
|
I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
|
|
so I took his shoes.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
|
|
implement a PL/1 compiler.
|
|
-- T. Cheatham
|
|
%
|
|
I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
|
|
%
|
|
I hate babies. They're so human.
|
|
-- H.H. Munro
|
|
%
|
|
I hate dying.
|
|
-- Dave Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
|
|
it's going to be up all night.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
|
|
and I know how bad I am.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
I hate quotations.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
|
|
there's nothing else to do.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
|
|
ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
|
|
-- Willow
|
|
%
|
|
I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
|
|
open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
|
|
box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
|
|
it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
|
|
had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
|
|
of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
|
|
call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
|
|
doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
|
|
didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
|
|
-- S. Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
|
|
Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
|
|
and just keeps on typing.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
|
|
the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
|
|
sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
|
|
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
|
|
I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
|
|
I just... to make a long story short..."
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
|
|
-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
|
|
%
|
|
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
|
|
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
|
|
some of it.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
|
|
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
|
|
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
|
|
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
|
|
|
|
The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
|
|
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
|
|
For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
|
|
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
|
|
-- R.L. Stevenson
|
|
%
|
|
I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
|
|
I spent last summer folding it.
|
|
People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
|
|
-- Richard Diran
|
|
%
|
|
I have a simple philosophy:
|
|
|
|
Fill what's empty.
|
|
Empty what's full.
|
|
Scratch where it itches.
|
|
-- A.R. Longworth
|
|
%
|
|
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
|
|
in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
|
|
got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
|
|
%
|
|
I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
|
|
but I can't prove it.
|
|
%
|
|
I have a very small mind and must live with it.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
I have a very strange feeling about this...
|
|
-- Luke Skywalker
|
|
%
|
|
"I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
|
|
sacrifice my wife's brother.
|
|
-- Artemus Ward
|
|
%
|
|
I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
|
|
to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill, 1903
|
|
%
|
|
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I have become me without my consent.
|
|
%
|
|
I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
|
|
would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
|
|
%
|
|
I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
|
|
which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
|
|
cent an idiot.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
|
|
to sit still in a room.
|
|
-- Blaise Pascal
|
|
%
|
|
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
|
|
I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
|
|
-- Camillo Di Cavour
|
|
%
|
|
I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
|
|
to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
|
|
support of the woman I love.
|
|
-- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
|
|
of the British throne in order to marry the American
|
|
divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
|
|
%
|
|
I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
|
|
most of them are trash.
|
|
-- Sigmund Freud
|
|
%
|
|
I have gained this by philosophy:
|
|
that I do without being commanded what others
|
|
do only from fear of the law.
|
|
-- Aristotle
|
|
%
|
|
I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my
|
|
wife's brother.
|
|
-- Artemus Ward
|
|
%
|
|
I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
|
|
-- Edgar Allan Poe
|
|
%
|
|
I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
|
|
of a prostate operation.
|
|
-- Malcolm Muggeridge
|
|
%
|
|
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
|
|
-- Plato
|
|
%
|
|
I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
|
|
I do believe that is a record.
|
|
-- Dylan Thomas, his last words
|
|
%
|
|
I have learned silence from the talkative,
|
|
toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
|
|
-- Kahlil Gibran
|
|
%
|
|
I have lots of things in my pockets;
|
|
None of them is worth anything.
|
|
Sociopolitical whines aside,
|
|
Gan you give me, gratis, free,
|
|
The price of half a gallon
|
|
Of Gallo extra bad
|
|
And most of the bus fare home.
|
|
%
|
|
I have made mistakes but I have never made the
|
|
mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
|
|
-- James Gordon Bennett
|
|
%
|
|
I have made this letter longer than usual
|
|
because I lack the time to make it shorter.
|
|
-- Blaise Pascal
|
|
%
|
|
I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
|
|
%
|
|
I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY!
|
|
-- Cerebus, #82
|
|
%
|
|
I have never been one to sacrifice
|
|
my appetite on the altar of appearance.
|
|
-- A.M. Readyhough
|
|
%
|
|
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
|
|
-- Rob Pike, on X.
|
|
|
|
Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
|
|
gone in two years. He was half right.
|
|
-- Dennis Ritchie
|
|
|
|
Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
|
|
-- Jim Gettys
|
|
%
|
|
I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
|
|
already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
|
|
establishment.
|
|
-- Alan Bennett
|
|
%
|
|
I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
|
|
in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
|
|
-- Thoreau
|
|
%
|
|
I have no doubt the Devil grins,
|
|
As seas of ink I spatter.
|
|
Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
|
|
The other kind don't matter.
|
|
-- Robert W. Service
|
|
%
|
|
I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
|
|
own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
|
|
of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
|
|
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
|
|
%
|
|
I have not yet begun to byte!
|
|
%
|
|
I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
|
|
-- George Wallace
|
|
%
|
|
I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
|
|
and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
|
|
be blockhead enough to have me.
|
|
-- Abraham Lincoln
|
|
%
|
|
I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
|
|
-- Jimmy Carter
|
|
%
|
|
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
|
|
Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
|
|
advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
|
|
for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
|
|
after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
|
|
of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
|
|
commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
|
|
the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
|
|
reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
|
|
If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
|
|
a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
|
|
execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
|
|
justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
|
|
venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
|
|
ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
|
|
made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
|
|
declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
|
|
And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
|
|
by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
|
|
advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
|
|
think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
|
|
calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
|
|
In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
|
|
be economized by the aid of machinery.
|
|
-- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
|
|
%
|
|
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
|
|
-- Kehlog Albran
|
|
%
|
|
I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
|
|
%
|
|
I have that old biological urge,
|
|
I have that old irresistible surge,
|
|
I'm hungry.
|
|
%
|
|
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
|
|
-- Richard Burton
|
|
%
|
|
I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
|
|
the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
|
|
authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
|
|
-- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
|
|
publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
|
|
editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
|
|
science of data processing), c. 1957
|
|
%
|
|
I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
|
|
-- John D. Rockefeller
|
|
%
|
|
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when
|
|
you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
|
|
-- Poul Anderson
|
|
%
|
|
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
|
|
%
|
|
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
|
|
%
|
|
I hear the sound that the machines make,
|
|
and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
|
|
%
|
|
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
|
|
%
|
|
I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
|
|
interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
|
|
more than he knows.
|
|
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
|
|
%
|
|
I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
%
|
|
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
|
|
I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
|
|
My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
|
|
But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
|
|
|
|
The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
|
|
For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
|
|
I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
|
|
So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
|
|
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
|
|
%
|
|
I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
|
|
secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
|
|
%
|
|
I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
|
|
-- Raoul Duke
|
|
%
|
|
I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
|
|
I think I saw God.
|
|
-- B. Hathrume Duk
|
|
%
|
|
I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
|
|
He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
|
|
and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
|
|
ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
|
|
-- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
|
|
%
|
|
I just got out of the hospital after a
|
|
speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
|
|
-- S. Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
|
|
-- Casey Stengel
|
|
%
|
|
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
|
|
-- Bill Hoest
|
|
%
|
|
"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
|
|
"Did you ever see a doctor?"
|
|
"No, just spots."
|
|
%
|
|
I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
|
|
I haven't had time for tobacco since.
|
|
-- Arturo Toscanini
|
|
%
|
|
I knew her before she was a virgin.
|
|
-- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
|
|
%
|
|
I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
|
|
If I could just remember what it was.
|
|
%
|
|
I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
|
|
take one along that worked.
|
|
-- Raymond Chandler
|
|
%
|
|
I know if you been talkin' you done said
|
|
just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
|
|
You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
|
|
and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
|
|
But don't you get square!
|
|
There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
|
|
They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
|
|
%
|
|
I know not how I came into this,
|
|
shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
|
|
-- St. Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
|
|
World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
I know on which side my bread is buttered.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
|
|
The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
|
|
-- Charles Schulz
|
|
%
|
|
I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
|
|
you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
|
|
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
|
|
%
|
|
I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
|
|
custody means. Get even with your old lady.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
|
|
Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
|
|
myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
|
|
world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
|
|
one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
|
|
-- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
|
|
%
|
|
I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
|
|
but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
|
|
it means.
|
|
%
|
|
I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
|
|
but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
|
|
%
|
|
I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
|
|
%
|
|
I lately lost a preposition;
|
|
It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
|
|
And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
|
|
Up from out of under there."
|
|
|
|
Correctness is my vade mecum,
|
|
And straggling phrases I abhor,
|
|
And yet I wondered, "What should he come
|
|
Up from out of under for?"
|
|
-- Morris Bishop
|
|
%
|
|
I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
|
|
Waitin' for the double E.
|
|
The railroad don't run no more.
|
|
Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
|
|
Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
|
|
These young girls won't let me be,
|
|
Lord have mercy on me!
|
|
Woe is me!
|
|
|
|
Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
|
|
Well, I ain't naming names.
|
|
But she really worked me over good,
|
|
She was just like Jesse James.
|
|
She really worked me over good,
|
|
She was a credit to her gender.
|
|
She put me through some changes, boy,
|
|
Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
|
|
|
|
I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
|
|
She asked me if I'd beat her.
|
|
She took me back to the Hyatt House,
|
|
I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
|
|
-- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
|
|
%
|
|
I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
|
|
didn't is just lyin'!
|
|
-- Willie Nelson
|
|
%
|
|
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
|
|
-- Art Leo
|
|
%
|
|
I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
|
|
that kidnapped Europa.
|
|
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
|
|
%
|
|
I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
|
|
promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
|
|
peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
|
|
the way and let them have it.
|
|
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
|
|
%
|
|
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
|
|
%
|
|
I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
|
|
-- Tom McGuane
|
|
%
|
|
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
|
|
%
|
|
I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
|
|
%
|
|
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
|
|
to bite people themselves.
|
|
-- August Strindberg
|
|
%
|
|
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
|
|
I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
|
|
-- Art Buchwald
|
|
%
|
|
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
|
|
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
|
|
-- Rita Rudner
|
|
%
|
|
I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
|
|
someone takes them away.
|
|
-- Nancy Mitford
|
|
%
|
|
I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
|
|
It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
|
|
%
|
|
I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
|
|
-- Schulz
|
|
%
|
|
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
|
|
-- Walt Disney
|
|
%
|
|
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
|
|
-- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
|
|
%
|
|
I love treason but hate a traitor.
|
|
-- Gaius Julius Caesar
|
|
%
|
|
I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
|
|
-- Elvis Costello
|
|
%
|
|
I love you, not only for what you are,
|
|
but for what I am when I am with you.
|
|
-- Roy Croft
|
|
%
|
|
I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
|
|
commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
|
|
irresistible.
|
|
-- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
|
|
%
|
|
I married beneath me. All women do.
|
|
-- Lady Nancy Astor
|
|
%
|
|
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
|
|
%
|
|
I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
|
|
-- Doctor Graper
|
|
%
|
|
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
|
|
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
|
|
%
|
|
I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
|
|
-- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
|
|
%
|
|
I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
|
|
clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
|
|
congressman.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
|
|
I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
|
|
-- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
|
|
%
|
|
I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
|
|
-- Alexander Woolcott
|
|
%
|
|
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
|
|
week sometimes to make it up.
|
|
-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
|
|
%
|
|
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
|
|
%
|
|
I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
|
|
and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
|
|
-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
|
|
we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
|
|
feet for the base.
|
|
|
|
And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
|
|
sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
|
|
m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
|
|
roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
|
|
sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
|
|
|
|
Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
|
|
area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
|
|
crowding.
|
|
-- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
|
|
%
|
|
I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
|
|
-- Fratianno
|
|
%
|
|
I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
|
|
legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
|
|
way.
|
|
-- Jay Gould
|
|
%
|
|
I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
|
|
something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
|
|
-- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
|
|
%
|
|
I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
|
|
-- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
|
|
Royal Family
|
|
%
|
|
I never did it that way before.
|
|
%
|
|
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
|
|
places they do today.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
|
|
could do was to go away.
|
|
%
|
|
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
|
|
-- Mickey Cohen
|
|
%
|
|
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
I never made a mistake in my life.
|
|
I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
|
|
-- Lucy Van Pelt
|
|
%
|
|
I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
|
|
-- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman
|
|
%
|
|
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
|
|
%
|
|
I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
|
|
%
|
|
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
|
|
what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
|
|
%
|
|
I never saw a purple cow
|
|
I never hope to see one
|
|
But I can tell you anyhow
|
|
I'd rather see than be one.
|
|
-- Gellett Burgess
|
|
|
|
I've never seen a purple cow
|
|
I never hope to see one
|
|
But from the milk we're getting now
|
|
There certainly must be one
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
|
|
Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
|
|
I'm sorry now I wrote it
|
|
But I can tell you anyhow
|
|
I'll kill you if you quote it.
|
|
-- Gellett Burgess, many years later
|
|
%
|
|
I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
|
|
%
|
|
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
I only know what I read in the papers.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
|
|
letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
|
|
words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
|
|
resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
|
|
then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
|
|
that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
|
|
a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
|
|
-- Letters From Colette
|
|
%
|
|
I owe, I owe,
|
|
It's off to work I go...
|
|
%
|
|
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
|
|
toilet seat.
|
|
-- Michael McShane
|
|
%
|
|
I owe the public nothing.
|
|
-- J.P. Morgan
|
|
%
|
|
I own my own body, but I share.
|
|
%
|
|
I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
|
|
the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
|
|
not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
|
|
must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
|
|
in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
|
|
wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
|
|
will be happy.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
%
|
|
I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind
|
|
of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances
|
|
being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms
|
|
of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like
|
|
a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments
|
|
as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
I pledge allegiance to the flag
|
|
of the United States of America
|
|
and to the republic for which it stands,
|
|
one nation,
|
|
indivisible,
|
|
with liberty
|
|
and justice for all.
|
|
-- Francis Bellamy, 1892
|
|
%
|
|
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
|
|
-- S. Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
|
|
-- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
|
|
%
|
|
I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
|
|
-- Cicero
|
|
|
|
Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
|
|
-- Poor Richard
|
|
%
|
|
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
|
|
-- William F. Buckley
|
|
%
|
|
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
|
|
on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
|
|
tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
|
|
they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
|
|
crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
|
|
These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
|
|
aspire to crudeness.
|
|
-- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
|
|
%
|
|
I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
|
|
-- Neil Armstrong
|
|
%
|
|
I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be
|
|
what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never
|
|
imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others
|
|
that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had
|
|
been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'
|
|
%
|
|
I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
|
|
parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
|
|
motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
|
|
Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
|
|
"What's it about?"
|
|
"Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
|
|
"Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
|
|
-- Ian Shoales
|
|
%
|
|
I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
|
|
To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
|
|
%
|
|
I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
|
|
-- Aneurin Bevan
|
|
%
|
|
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
|
|
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
|
|
trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
|
|
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
|
|
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
|
|
%
|
|
I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
|
|
-- Marilyn Chambers
|
|
%
|
|
I really hate this damned machine
|
|
I wish that they would sell it.
|
|
It never does quite what I want
|
|
But only what I tell it.
|
|
%
|
|
I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
|
|
who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
|
|
something of what has been passing in their time.
|
|
-- H. Truman
|
|
%
|
|
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
|
|
wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
|
|
flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
|
|
Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
|
|
"Cut it out."
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
|
|
reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
|
|
I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
|
|
-- Stephen King
|
|
%
|
|
I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
|
|
believing that some men are my equals.
|
|
-- Brigid Brophy
|
|
%
|
|
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
|
|
%
|
|
I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
|
|
morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
|
|
the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
|
|
invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
|
|
the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
|
|
asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
|
|
"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
|
|
that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
|
|
-- Alistair Cooke
|
|
%
|
|
I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
|
|
to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
|
|
and didn't come back for 20 years.
|
|
%
|
|
I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
|
|
kind of loophole.
|
|
-- Leo Kessler
|
|
%
|
|
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
|
|
looks like I'm the only one moving.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
|
|
-- Wilson Mizner
|
|
%
|
|
I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
|
|
woman should marry -- and no man.
|
|
-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
|
|
%
|
|
I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
|
|
England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
|
|
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
|
|
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
|
|
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
|
|
if they don't get it.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
|
|
He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
|
|
I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
|
|
And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
|
|
-- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
|
|
%
|
|
I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
|
|
and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
|
|
%
|
|
I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
|
|
'Round and round they sped.
|
|
I was disturbed at this,
|
|
I accosted the man,
|
|
"It is futile," I said.
|
|
"You can never--"
|
|
"You lie!" He cried,
|
|
and ran on.
|
|
-- Stephen Crane
|
|
%
|
|
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
|
|
never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
|
|
deserve a series?"
|
|
%
|
|
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
|
|
%
|
|
I see a bad moon rising.
|
|
I see trouble on the way.
|
|
I see earthquakes and lightnin'
|
|
I see bad times today.
|
|
Don't go 'round tonight,
|
|
It's bound to take your life.
|
|
There's a bad moon on the rise.
|
|
-- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
|
|
%
|
|
I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
|
|
they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
|
|
the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
|
|
us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
|
|
I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
|
|
The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
|
|
They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
|
|
The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
|
|
"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
|
|
I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
|
|
It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
|
|
But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
|
|
"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
|
|
knocked,
|
|
I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
|
|
"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
|
|
|
|
"Is that all?" asked Alice.
|
|
"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
|
|
%
|
|
I sent a message to another time,
|
|
But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
|
|
I sent a message to another plane,
|
|
Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
|
|
...
|
|
I met someone who looks at lot like you,
|
|
She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
|
|
She's only programmed to be very nice,
|
|
But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
|
|
She tells me that she likes me very much,
|
|
But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
|
|
...
|
|
I realize that it must seem so strange,
|
|
That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
|
|
She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
|
|
She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
|
|
-- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
|
|
%
|
|
I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
|
|
a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
|
|
in his veins.
|
|
-- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
|
|
%
|
|
I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
|
|
it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
|
|
he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
|
|
that matters, but victory.
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler
|
|
%
|
|
I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
|
|
-- graffito in Los Angeles
|
|
|
|
On a clear day,
|
|
U.C.L.A.
|
|
-- graffito in San Francisco
|
|
|
|
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
|
|
lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
|
|
-- Robert Orben
|
|
%
|
|
I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
|
|
-- Los Angeles graffito
|
|
%
|
|
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
|
|
most western countries.
|
|
-- George Burns
|
|
%
|
|
I smell a wumpus.
|
|
%
|
|
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
|
|
Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
|
|
ability.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I steal.
|
|
-- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
|
|
|
|
Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
|
|
-- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
|
|
%
|
|
I stick my neck out for nobody.
|
|
-- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
|
|
%
|
|
I stood on the leading edge,
|
|
The eastern seaboard at my feet.
|
|
"Jump!" said Yoko Ono
|
|
I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
|
|
Go on and give it a try,
|
|
Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
|
|
-- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
|
|
%
|
|
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
|
|
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
|
|
-- Shirley Temple
|
|
%
|
|
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a
|
|
department store, and he asked for my autograph.
|
|
-- Shirley Temple
|
|
%
|
|
I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
|
|
-- CP30
|
|
%
|
|
I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
|
|
Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
|
|
Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
|
|
That needs a helping hand,
|
|
Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
|
|
-- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
|
|
%
|
|
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
|
|
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
|
|
I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
|
|
are worth considering, to wit:
|
|
|
|
[110.13]:
|
|
"When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
|
|
to interfere with oncoming traffic."
|
|
|
|
[22.17b]:
|
|
"Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
|
|
recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
|
|
game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
|
|
on the highway."
|
|
|
|
[41.16]:
|
|
"Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
|
|
asking for it."
|
|
%
|
|
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
|
|
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
|
|
I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
|
|
are worth considering, to wit:
|
|
|
|
[131.16d]:
|
|
"Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
|
|
inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
|
|
a U-turn on a divided highway."
|
|
|
|
[96.7b]:
|
|
"When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
|
|
quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
|
|
traveling more than 60 MPH."
|
|
|
|
[110.13]:
|
|
"When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
|
|
to interfere with oncoming traffic."
|
|
%
|
|
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
|
|
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
|
|
I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
|
|
are worth considering, to wit:
|
|
|
|
[173.15b]:
|
|
"When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
|
|
that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
|
|
|
|
[141.2a]:
|
|
"Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
|
|
parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
|
|
a 5' parking space."
|
|
|
|
[105.31]:
|
|
"Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
|
|
Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
|
|
%
|
|
I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
|
|
thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
|
|
%
|
|
"I suppose you expect me to talk."
|
|
"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
|
|
-- Goldfinger
|
|
%
|
|
I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
|
|
is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
|
|
-- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
|
|
%
|
|
I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
|
|
pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
|
|
munchies, and ate the other half.
|
|
|
|
Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
|
|
bottle stuck up my nose.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
|
|
and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
|
|
|
|
Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
|
|
fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
|
|
"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
|
|
the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
|
|
I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad
|
|
kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
|
|
-- Escher
|
|
%
|
|
I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
|
|
or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
|
|
being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
|
|
sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
|
|
that I am!
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
|
|
"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
|
|
-- The Life of Brian
|
|
%
|
|
I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
|
|
-- Shakespeare
|
|
%
|
|
I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
|
|
paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
|
|
%
|
|
I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
|
|
desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
|
|
-- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
|
|
%
|
|
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
I think that I shall never hear
|
|
A poem lovelier than beer.
|
|
The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
|
|
With golden base and snowy cap.
|
|
The stuff that I can drink all day
|
|
Until my mem'ry melts away.
|
|
Poems are made by fools, I fear
|
|
But only Schlitz can make a beer.
|
|
%
|
|
I think that I shall never see
|
|
A billboard lovely as a tree.
|
|
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
|
|
I'll never see a tree at all.
|
|
-- Nash
|
|
%
|
|
I think that I shall never see
|
|
A thing as lovely as a tree.
|
|
But as you see the trees have gone
|
|
They went this morning with the dawn.
|
|
A logging firm from out of town
|
|
Came and chopped the trees all down.
|
|
But I will trick those dirty skunks
|
|
And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
|
|
%
|
|
I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
|
|
remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
|
|
-- Chick
|
|
%
|
|
I think the world is run by C students.
|
|
-- Al McGuire
|
|
%
|
|
I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
|
|
I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
|
|
say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
|
|
effect."
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I think, therefore I am... I think.
|
|
%
|
|
I think there's a world market for about five computers.
|
|
-- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
|
|
%
|
|
I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
|
|
paneling.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
|
|
-- T.S. Eliot
|
|
%
|
|
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
|
|
-- Firesign Theatre
|
|
%
|
|
I think we're in trouble.
|
|
-- Han Solo
|
|
%
|
|
I think your opinions are reasonable,
|
|
except for the one about my mental instability.
|
|
-- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
|
|
%
|
|
"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
|
|
"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
|
|
"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
|
|
"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
|
|
Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
|
|
They had so much in common, you'd say.
|
|
They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
|
|
And prompts that were cute or risque'.
|
|
He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
|
|
She sent one from some past high school day,
|
|
And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
|
|
If they hadn't met in L.A.
|
|
"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
|
|
He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
|
|
And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
|
|
If you were not so totally weird!"
|
|
If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
|
|
And he had not done just the same,
|
|
They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
|
|
And would not have had fun with the game.
|
|
-- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of
|
|
Electronic Mail"
|
|
%
|
|
I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
|
|
working for scale.
|
|
-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
|
|
%
|
|
I thought YOU silenced the guard!
|
|
%
|
|
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
|
|
One of them said, "So will you."
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
|
|
of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
|
|
It's about Russia.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
|
|
desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
|
|
the quest.
|
|
-- Madeleine Gobeil
|
|
%
|
|
I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
|
|
constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
|
|
and drown myself in the noise.
|
|
-- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
|
|
%
|
|
I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
|
|
-- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
|
|
%
|
|
I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
|
|
-- Bill Veeck
|
|
%
|
|
I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
|
|
-- Judge Harold T. Stone
|
|
%
|
|
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
|
|
The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
|
|
degrees today," and I said "Oops."
|
|
|
|
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
|
|
I never have to go upstairs.
|
|
|
|
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
|
|
front of it in only eight minutes.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
|
|
-- Carole Wallach.
|
|
%
|
|
I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
|
|
-- Woodrow Wilson
|
|
%
|
|
I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
|
|
-- Nam June Paik
|
|
%
|
|
I used to be a rebel in my youth.
|
|
This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
|
|
Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
|
|
problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
|
|
a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
|
|
I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
|
|
I feel these days.
|
|
-- J. Feiffer
|
|
%
|
|
I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
|
|
-- Elvis Costello
|
|
%
|
|
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
|
|
I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
|
|
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
|
|
With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
|
|
And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
|
|
No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
|
|
No more, Mr. Clean,
|
|
No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
|
|
They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
|
|
|
|
My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
|
|
Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
|
|
I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
|
|
The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
|
|
And punched me in the nose, he said,
|
|
(chorus)
|
|
He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
|
|
-- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
|
|
%
|
|
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
|
|
%
|
|
I used to have a drinking problem.
|
|
Now I love the stuff.
|
|
%
|
|
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
|
|
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
|
|
|
|
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
|
|
like I'm the only one moving.
|
|
|
|
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
|
|
the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
|
|
to be out that long."
|
|
|
|
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now
|
|
my car goes 500 miles an hour.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
|
|
I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
|
|
more mature than I am.
|
|
%
|
|
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
|
|
%
|
|
I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
|
|
foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
|
|
loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
|
|
-- Rita Mae Brown
|
|
%
|
|
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
|
|
my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
|
|
-- Emo Phillips
|
|
%
|
|
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
|
|
near the place.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
|
|
don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
|
|
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
|
|
the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier
|
|
in the summer.
|
|
-- Brendan Behan
|
|
%
|
|
I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
|
|
don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
|
|
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
|
|
the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
|
|
in the summer.
|
|
-- Brendan Behan
|
|
%
|
|
I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
|
|
%
|
|
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
|
|
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
|
|
Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
|
|
%
|
|
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
|
|
-- Freud
|
|
%
|
|
I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
|
|
%
|
|
I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
|
|
endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
|
|
pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
|
|
bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
|
|
excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
|
|
critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
|
|
the earth.
|
|
Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
|
|
%
|
|
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
|
|
ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
|
|
Trouble I love and peace I despise
|
|
Wild horses kicked me in my side
|
|
Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
|
|
-- Bo Diddley
|
|
%
|
|
I was eatin' some chop suey,
|
|
With a lady in St. Louie,
|
|
When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
|
|
And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
|
|
Roll this rocker out some money,
|
|
Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
|
|
-- Mr. Miggle
|
|
%
|
|
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
|
|
I said I didn't know.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
|
|
around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
|
|
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
|
|
She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
|
|
chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
|
|
you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
|
|
that all the time..."
|
|
-- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
|
|
%
|
|
I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in
|
|
the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
|
|
-- Phyllis Diller
|
|
%
|
|
I was in accord with the system so long as it
|
|
permitted me to function effectively.
|
|
-- Albert Speer
|
|
%
|
|
I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
|
|
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
|
|
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
|
|
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
|
|
avoiding the beach.
|
|
-- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
|
|
%
|
|
I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
|
|
lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
|
|
anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
|
|
breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really
|
|
gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
|
|
works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
|
|
Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
|
|
for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
|
|
two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
|
|
was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
|
|
I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
|
|
-- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
|
|
%
|
|
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
|
|
full house and four people died.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I was the best I ever had.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
|
|
-- Billy Braver
|
|
%
|
|
I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
|
|
desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
|
|
because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
|
|
me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
|
|
took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
|
|
%
|
|
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
|
|
-- Chico Marx
|
|
%
|
|
I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
|
|
in the room alone.
|
|
%
|
|
I went home with a waitress,
|
|
The way I always do.
|
|
How I was I to know?
|
|
She was with the Russians too.
|
|
|
|
I was gambling in Havana,
|
|
I took a little risk.
|
|
Send lawyers, guns, and money,
|
|
Dad, get me out of this.
|
|
-- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
|
|
%
|
|
I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
|
|
If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
|
|
It's the truth.
|
|
-- Charlie Chaplin
|
|
%
|
|
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
|
|
expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
|
|
stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
|
|
the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
|
|
to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
|
|
answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
|
|
showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
|
|
an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
|
|
program to the point where it would not run at all.
|
|
-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
|
|
Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
|
|
%
|
|
I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
|
|
I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
|
|
He said "Nothin'."
|
|
Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
|
|
As if you just squashed a cop.
|
|
-- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
|
|
%
|
|
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
|
|
Great song.
|
|
-- Fred Reuss
|
|
%
|
|
I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
|
|
French toast during the Renaissance.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
|
|
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
|
|
years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
|
|
would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
|
|
all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
|
|
|
|
Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
|
|
been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
|
|
|
|
There was a computer in every doorknob.
|
|
-- Danny Hillis
|
|
%
|
|
I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
|
|
I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
|
|
of a robber.
|
|
-- Tiburcio Vasquez
|
|
%
|
|
I will always love the false image I had of you.
|
|
%
|
|
I will follow the good side right to the fire,
|
|
but not into it if I can help it.
|
|
-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
|
|
%
|
|
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
|
|
year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
|
|
Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
|
|
the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
|
|
writing on this stone!
|
|
-- Charles Dickens
|
|
%
|
|
I will make you shorter by the head.
|
|
-- Elizabeth I
|
|
%
|
|
I will never lie to you.
|
|
%
|
|
I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
|
|
%
|
|
I will not drink!
|
|
But if I do...
|
|
I will not get drunk!
|
|
But if I do...
|
|
I will not in public!
|
|
But if I do...
|
|
I will not fall down!
|
|
But if I do...
|
|
I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
|
|
%
|
|
I will not forget you.
|
|
%
|
|
I will not play at tug o' war.
|
|
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
|
|
Where everyone hugs
|
|
Instead of tugs,
|
|
Where everyone giggles
|
|
And rolls on the rug,
|
|
Where everyone kisses,
|
|
And everyone grins,
|
|
And everyone cuddles,
|
|
And everyone wins.
|
|
-- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
|
|
%
|
|
I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
|
|
one every day.
|
|
-- Heine
|
|
%
|
|
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
|
|
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
|
|
-- Jack Handey
|
|
%
|
|
I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
|
|
and Superman away.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
|
|
intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
|
|
seem to work.
|
|
-- Gallagher
|
|
%
|
|
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
|
|
%
|
|
I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
|
|
%
|
|
I woke up a feelin' mean
|
|
went down to play the slot machine
|
|
the wheels turned round,
|
|
and the letters read
|
|
"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
|
|
-- Grateful Dead
|
|
%
|
|
I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
|
|
had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
|
|
"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
|
|
replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
|
|
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
|
|
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
|
|
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
|
|
-- Bastian B. Bux
|
|
%
|
|
I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
|
|
-- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
|
|
%
|
|
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
|
|
"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
|
|
but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
|
|
because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
|
|
after we've been home a long while.
|
|
-- Casey Stengel
|
|
%
|
|
I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
|
|
only they won't let me raise my voice.
|
|
-- Winkle
|
|
%
|
|
I would have made a good pope.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
|
|
gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
|
|
missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
|
|
-- Oliver North
|
|
%
|
|
I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
|
|
of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
|
|
image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
|
|
forget or do not know.
|
|
-- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to image activation and termination.]
|
|
%
|
|
I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
|
|
understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
|
|
our tasks will be solved.
|
|
-- Warren G. Harding
|
|
%
|
|
I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
|
|
with income tax policies.
|
|
-- William F. Buckley
|
|
%
|
|
I would like to know
|
|
What I was fencing in
|
|
And what I was fencing out.
|
|
-- Robert Frost
|
|
%
|
|
I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going
|
|
to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.
|
|
In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
|
|
-- Frank Zappa
|
|
%
|
|
I would much rather have men ask why
|
|
I have no statue, than why I have one.
|
|
-- Marcus Procius Cato
|
|
%
|
|
I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
|
|
they're being taped.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
|
|
I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
|
|
-- David Frye impersonating Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
|
|
and be above ground than reign among the dead.
|
|
-- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
|
|
%
|
|
I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
|
|
sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
|
|
%
|
|
I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
|
|
%
|
|
I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
|
|
%
|
|
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
|
|
for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
|
|
-- Hunter S. Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
|
|
them scream.
|
|
-- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
|
|
escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
|
|
%
|
|
I
|
|
am
|
|
not
|
|
very
|
|
happy
|
|
acting
|
|
pleased
|
|
whenever
|
|
prominent
|
|
scientists
|
|
overmagnify
|
|
intellectual
|
|
enlightenment
|
|
%
|
|
IBM:
|
|
[International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
|
|
Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
|
|
marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
|
|
and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
|
|
of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
|
|
employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
|
|
%
|
|
IBM:
|
|
I've Been Moved
|
|
Idiots Become Managers
|
|
Idiots Buy More
|
|
Impossible to Buy Machine
|
|
Incredibly Big Machine
|
|
Industry's Biggest Mistake
|
|
International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
|
|
It Boggles the Mind
|
|
It's Better Manually
|
|
Itty-Bitty Machines
|
|
%
|
|
IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
|
|
who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
|
|
-- with regrets to D. Adams
|
|
%
|
|
IBM had a PL/I,
|
|
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
|
|
And everywhere this language went,
|
|
It was a total loss.
|
|
%
|
|
IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
|
|
%
|
|
IBM Pollyanna Principle:
|
|
Machines should work. People should think.
|
|
%
|
|
IBM's original motto:
|
|
Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
|
|
%
|
|
I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
|
|
-- John Denver
|
|
|
|
[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
|
|
%
|
|
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
|
|
-- Princess Leia Organa
|
|
%
|
|
I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
|
|
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
|
|
feel it.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
|
|
%
|
|
I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
|
|
whole field to private industry.
|
|
-- Joseph Heller
|
|
%
|
|
I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
|
|
-- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
|
|
%
|
|
I'd never cry if I did find
|
|
A blue whale in my soup...
|
|
Nor would I mind a porcupine
|
|
Inside a chicken coop.
|
|
Yes life is fine when things combine,
|
|
Like ham in beef chow mein...
|
|
But lord, this time I think I mind,
|
|
They've put acid in my rain.
|
|
--- Milo Bloom
|
|
%
|
|
I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
|
|
Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
|
|
-- Brenda Starr
|
|
%
|
|
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
|
|
%
|
|
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
|
|
-- Fred Allen
|
|
|
|
[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
|
|
%
|
|
I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
|
|
Than cry with the saints,
|
|
The sinners are much more fun!
|
|
-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
|
|
%
|
|
I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
|
|
%
|
|
Identify your visitor.
|
|
%
|
|
idiot box, n:
|
|
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
|
|
the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
idiot box, n:
|
|
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
|
|
stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
idiot, n:
|
|
A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
|
|
in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
|
|
%
|
|
IDLENESS:
|
|
Leisure gone to seed.
|
|
%
|
|
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
|
|
%
|
|
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
|
|
-- Roy Santoro
|
|
%
|
|
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
|
|
is a camel's behind.
|
|
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
|
|
%
|
|
If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
|
|
%
|
|
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
|
|
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
|
|
%
|
|
If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
|
|
-- William Blake
|
|
%
|
|
If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
|
|
there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
|
|
-- T. Cheatham
|
|
%
|
|
If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
|
|
really a guru at all?
|
|
-- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
|
|
%
|
|
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
|
|
is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
|
|
-- Joseph C. Goulden
|
|
%
|
|
IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
|
|
is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
|
|
to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
If a listener nods his head when you're
|
|
explaining your program, wake him up.
|
|
%
|
|
If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
|
|
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
|
|
-- Thomas Wolfe
|
|
%
|
|
If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
|
|
If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
|
|
%
|
|
If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
|
|
he will lose his reverence for all of life.
|
|
-- Albert Schweitzer
|
|
%
|
|
If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
|
|
separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
|
|
it might well prolong his life.
|
|
-- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
|
|
%
|
|
If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
|
|
... it expects what never was and never will be.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
%
|
|
If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
|
|
and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
|
|
will lose that, too.
|
|
-- W. Somerset Maugham
|
|
%
|
|
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
|
|
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
|
|
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
|
|
-- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
|
|
%
|
|
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
|
|
The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
|
|
in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
|
|
gravity supercedes the law of golf.
|
|
-- Donald A. Metz
|
|
%
|
|
If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
|
|
love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
|
|
-- Saint Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
|
|
is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
|
|
only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
|
|
%
|
|
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question,
|
|
look at him as if he had lost his senses.
|
|
When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
|
|
%
|
|
If a system is administered wisely,
|
|
its users will be content.
|
|
They enjoy hacking their code
|
|
and don't waste time implementing
|
|
labor-saving shell scripts.
|
|
Since they dearly love their accounts,
|
|
they aren't interested in other machines.
|
|
There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
|
|
but these don't access any hosts.
|
|
There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
|
|
but nobody ever uses them.
|
|
People enjoy reading their mail,
|
|
take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
|
|
spend weekends working at their terminals,
|
|
delight in the doings at the site.
|
|
And even though the next system is so close
|
|
that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
|
|
they are content to die of old age
|
|
without ever having gone to see it.
|
|
%
|
|
If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
|
|
If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
|
|
game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
|
|
course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
|
|
goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
|
|
-- Sparky Anderson
|
|
%
|
|
If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton
|
|
%
|
|
If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
|
|
%
|
|
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
|
|
to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
|
|
that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
|
|
-- Rob Stampfli
|
|
%
|
|
If all be true that I do think,
|
|
There be five reasons why one should drink;
|
|
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
|
|
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
|
|
Or any other reason why.
|
|
%
|
|
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
|
|
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
If all else fails, lower your standards.
|
|
%
|
|
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
|
|
%
|
|
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
|
|
wouldn't be a bit surprised.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
If all the seas were ink,
|
|
And all the reeds were pens,
|
|
And all the skies were parchment,
|
|
And all the men could write,
|
|
These would not suffice
|
|
To write down all the red tape
|
|
Of this Government.
|
|
%
|
|
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
|
|
-- Paul Beatty
|
|
%
|
|
If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
|
|
we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
|
|
-- William Baumol
|
|
%
|
|
If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
|
|
and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
|
|
not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
|
|
camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
|
|
responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
|
|
collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
|
|
have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
|
|
-- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
|
|
in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
|
|
%
|
|
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
If an S and an I and an O and a U
|
|
With an X at the end spell Su;
|
|
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
|
|
Pray what is a speller to do?
|
|
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
|
|
And an HED spell side,
|
|
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
|
|
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
|
|
-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
|
|
%
|
|
If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
|
|
car he ever lays down in front of.
|
|
-- George Wallace
|
|
%
|
|
If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
|
|
let him become president of Harvard.
|
|
-- Edward Holyoke
|
|
%
|
|
If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
|
|
We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
|
|
blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
|
|
tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
|
|
%
|
|
If anything can go wrong, it will.
|
|
%
|
|
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
|
|
%
|
|
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
|
|
%
|
|
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
|
|
%
|
|
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
|
|
%
|
|
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
|
|
-- W.E. Hickson
|
|
%
|
|
If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit.
|
|
No use being a damn fool about it.
|
|
%
|
|
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
|
|
Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
|
|
[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
|
|
%
|
|
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
|
|
-- Leonard Levinson
|
|
%
|
|
If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
|
|
%
|
|
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
|
|
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
|
|
collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
|
|
I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
|
|
plentiful as blackberries.
|
|
-- Leslie Stephen
|
|
%
|
|
If bankers can count, how come they have
|
|
eight windows and only four tellers?
|
|
%
|
|
If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
|
|
some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
|
|
-- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
|
|
%
|
|
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
|
|
then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
|
|
%
|
|
If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
|
|
but illegal purposes.
|
|
-- J. Edgar Hoover
|
|
%
|
|
If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
|
|
%
|
|
If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
|
|
-- William Blake
|
|
%
|
|
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
|
|
Watt's office.
|
|
-- Wayne Shannon
|
|
%
|
|
If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
|
|
%
|
|
If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
|
|
serve us right.
|
|
-- Alistair Cooke
|
|
%
|
|
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
|
|
%
|
|
If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
|
|
deserve to have any.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a
|
|
driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his
|
|
conviction for sodomy.
|
|
%
|
|
If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
|
|
there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
|
|
is a fraud.
|
|
-- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
|
|
%
|
|
If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
|
|
do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
|
|
no middleman.
|
|
-- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
|
|
%
|
|
If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
|
|
him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
|
|
-- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
|
|
%
|
|
If everything on the road of life seems to
|
|
be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
|
|
%
|
|
If everything seems to be going well,
|
|
you have obviously overlooked something.
|
|
%
|
|
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
|
|
-- Bertrand Russell
|
|
%
|
|
If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
|
|
%
|
|
If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
|
|
is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
|
|
exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
|
|
after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
|
|
exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
|
|
can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
|
|
-- Bill Boquist
|
|
%
|
|
If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
|
|
-- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
|
|
%
|
|
If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
|
|
would have only had ten disciples.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
|
|
we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had not given us sticky tape,
|
|
it would have been necessary to invent it.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had really intended men to fly,
|
|
he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
|
|
-- George Winters
|
|
%
|
|
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
|
|
have made them cute and furry.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
|
|
only ten apostles.
|
|
%
|
|
If God had wanted you to go around nude,
|
|
He would have given you bigger hands.
|
|
%
|
|
If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
|
|
He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
|
|
%
|
|
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
|
|
%
|
|
If God is One, what is bad?
|
|
-- Charles Manson
|
|
%
|
|
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
|
|
%
|
|
If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
|
|
-- Yiddish saying
|
|
%
|
|
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
|
|
-- Marvin Kitman
|
|
%
|
|
If God wanted us to have a President,
|
|
He would have sent us a candidate.
|
|
-- Jerry Dreshfield
|
|
%
|
|
If graphics hackers are so smart,
|
|
why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
|
|
%
|
|
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
|
|
%
|
|
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
|
|
-- Chinese proverb
|
|
%
|
|
If he had only learnt a little less, how
|
|
infinitely better he might have taught much more!
|
|
%
|
|
If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
|
|
and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
|
|
think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
|
|
-- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
|
|
%
|
|
If he should ever change his faith,
|
|
it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
|
|
%
|
|
If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
|
|
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
|
|
%
|
|
If I could read your mind, love,
|
|
What a tale your thoughts could tell,
|
|
Just like a paperback novel,
|
|
The kind the drugstore sells,
|
|
When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
|
|
The hero would be me,
|
|
Heroes often fail,
|
|
You won't read that book again, because
|
|
the ending is just too hard to take.
|
|
|
|
I walk away, like a movie star,
|
|
Who gets burned in a three way script,
|
|
Enter number two,
|
|
A movie queen to play the scene
|
|
Of bringing all the good things out in me,
|
|
But for now, love, let's be real
|
|
I never thought I could act this way,
|
|
And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
|
|
I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
|
|
And I just can't get it back...
|
|
-- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
|
|
%
|
|
If I could stick my pen in my heart,
|
|
I would spill it all over the stage.
|
|
Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
|
|
Would you think the boy was strange?
|
|
Ain't he strange?
|
|
...
|
|
If I could stick a knife in my heart,
|
|
Suicide right on the stage,
|
|
Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
|
|
Would it help to ease the pain?
|
|
Ease your brain?
|
|
-- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
|
|
%
|
|
If I don't drive around the park,
|
|
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
|
|
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
|
|
I may get back my looks again.
|
|
If I abstain from fun and such,
|
|
I'll probably amount to much;
|
|
But I shall stay the way I am,
|
|
Because I do not give a damn.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
|
|
Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
|
|
as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
|
|
you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
|
|
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
|
|
%
|
|
IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
|
|
got to be a better way.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
|
|
I'd sell the plantation and go home.
|
|
-- Eugene P. Gallagher
|
|
%
|
|
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
|
|
-- Ted Turner
|
|
%
|
|
If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
|
|
a laboratory jar at Harvard.
|
|
-- Frank Sinatra
|
|
|
|
AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
|
|
-- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
|
|
%
|
|
If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
|
|
would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
|
|
trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
|
|
I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
|
|
travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
|
|
You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
|
|
and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
|
|
if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
|
|
have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
|
|
years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
|
|
without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
|
|
If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
|
|
lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
|
|
earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
|
|
more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
|
|
ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
|
|
%
|
|
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
|
|
-- Tallulah Bankhead
|
|
%
|
|
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
|
|
%
|
|
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
|
|
shoulders of giants.
|
|
-- Isaac Newton
|
|
|
|
In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
|
|
the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
|
|
-- Gerald Holton
|
|
|
|
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
|
|
my shoulders.
|
|
-- Hal Abelson
|
|
|
|
Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
|
|
-- Gauss
|
|
|
|
Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
|
|
stand on each other's toes.
|
|
-- Richard Hamming
|
|
|
|
It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
|
|
this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
|
|
software engineers dig each other's graves.
|
|
-- Unknown
|
|
%
|
|
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
|
|
-- Bob Hope
|
|
%
|
|
If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
|
|
I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
|
|
-- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
|
|
%
|
|
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
|
|
-- Johann van Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
|
|
just couldn't help myself.
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler
|
|
%
|
|
If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
|
|
-- Alan Parsons Project
|
|
%
|
|
If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
|
|
I'm an engineer working on something.
|
|
-- S.R. McElroy
|
|
%
|
|
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
|
|
%
|
|
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
|
|
As Dame Fortune did intend,
|
|
Murphy would be there to tell me
|
|
The pot's at the other end.
|
|
-- Bert Whitney
|
|
%
|
|
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
|
|
%
|
|
If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
|
|
work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
|
|
-- Douglas Jerrold
|
|
%
|
|
If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
|
|
because I can't swim.
|
|
-- Bob Stanfield
|
|
%
|
|
If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
|
|
I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
|
|
-- G. Hirst
|
|
%
|
|
If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
|
|
-- Jerry Muscha
|
|
%
|
|
If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
|
|
answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
|
|
%
|
|
If in doubt, mumble.
|
|
%
|
|
If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
|
|
%
|
|
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
|
|
%
|
|
If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
|
|
-- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
|
|
%
|
|
If it happens once, it's a bug.
|
|
If it happens twice, it's a feature.
|
|
If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
|
|
%
|
|
If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
|
|
%
|
|
If it heals good, say it.
|
|
%
|
|
If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
|
|
answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
|
|
-- Samuel Clemens
|
|
%
|
|
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
|
|
%
|
|
If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
|
|
it's physics.
|
|
%
|
|
If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
|
|
-- Ronald Reagan
|
|
%
|
|
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
|
|
%
|
|
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
|
|
%
|
|
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
|
|
%
|
|
If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable.
|
|
-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
|
|
%
|
|
If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
|
|
I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
|
|
the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
|
|
forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
|
|
of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
|
|
-- James Dickey
|
|
%
|
|
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
|
|
%
|
|
If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
|
|
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
|
|
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
|
|
%
|
|
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
|
|
%
|
|
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
|
|
%
|
|
If it's worth doing, do it for money.
|
|
%
|
|
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
|
|
%
|
|
If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
|
|
%
|
|
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
|
|
They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
|
|
fun of it.
|
|
-- Thomas Carlyle
|
|
%
|
|
If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
|
|
send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
|
|
other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
|
|
of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
|
|
they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
|
|
they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
|
|
them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
|
|
-- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
|
|
%
|
|
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
|
|
had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
|
|
-- Karl Marx's Mother
|
|
%
|
|
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
|
|
%
|
|
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
|
|
%
|
|
If life is merely a joke, the question
|
|
still remains: for whose amusement?
|
|
%
|
|
If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
|
|
%
|
|
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
|
|
you've got in the house.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
|
|
-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
|
|
%
|
|
If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
|
|
-- Phil Lapsley
|
|
%
|
|
If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
|
|
%
|
|
If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
|
|
-- Mary Wilson Little
|
|
%
|
|
If mathematically you end up with the wrong
|
|
answer, try multiplying by the page number.
|
|
%
|
|
If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
|
|
be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
|
|
-- Frances Rodman
|
|
%
|
|
If men are not afraid to die,
|
|
it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
|
|
|
|
If men live in constant fear of dying,
|
|
And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
|
|
Who will dare to break the law?
|
|
|
|
There is always an official executioner.
|
|
If you try to take his place,
|
|
It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
|
|
If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
|
|
you will only hurt your hand.
|
|
-- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
|
|
%
|
|
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
|
|
be a merrier world.
|
|
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
|
|
%
|
|
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
|
|
of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
|
|
and from that to incivility and procrastination.
|
|
-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
|
|
%
|
|
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
|
|
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
|
|
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
|
|
-- Thomas De Quincey
|
|
%
|
|
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
|
|
over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
|
|
of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
|
|
in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
|
|
far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
|
|
various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
|
|
it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
|
|
connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
|
|
get an unfair advantage.
|
|
-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
|
|
%
|
|
If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
|
|
of the Young"
|
|
%
|
|
If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
If only God would give me some clear sign!
|
|
Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
|
|
%
|
|
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of
|
|
accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
|
|
%
|
|
If only you could be respected without having to be respectable.
|
|
%
|
|
If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
|
|
%
|
|
If only you knew she loved you, you could
|
|
face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
|
|
%
|
|
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
|
|
%
|
|
If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
|
|
then we are a sorry lot indeed.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
|
|
there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
|
|
-- Doug Larson
|
|
%
|
|
If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
|
|
-- Edward E. Hippensteel
|
|
|
|
[What brand of ink? Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
|
|
will take sandwiches.
|
|
-- Lord Boyd-orr
|
|
|
|
Eats first, morals after.
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
|
|
%
|
|
If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
|
|
I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
|
|
-- Hermann Goering
|
|
%
|
|
If people see that you mean them no harm,
|
|
they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
|
|
%
|
|
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
|
|
%
|
|
If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
|
|
-- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
|
|
%
|
|
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
|
|
%
|
|
If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
|
|
%
|
|
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
|
|
%
|
|
If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
|
|
-- Tom Wicker
|
|
%
|
|
If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
|
|
|
|
Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
|
|
Eating components of soured milk.
|
|
On at least one occasion,
|
|
along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
|
|
Or at least in her vicinity,
|
|
And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
|
|
Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
|
|
-- Ann Melugin Williams
|
|
%
|
|
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
|
|
pool cues, who would win?
|
|
1) Ricky Schroder
|
|
2) Gary Coleman
|
|
3) The television viewing public
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
|
|
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
|
|
world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
|
|
the use of the mathematics of probability.
|
|
-- Vannevar Bush
|
|
%
|
|
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
|
|
books on how to?
|
|
-- Bette Midler
|
|
%
|
|
If she had not been cupric in her ions,
|
|
Her shape ovoidal,
|
|
Their romance might have flourished.
|
|
But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
|
|
His ions ferric,
|
|
Love could not help but die,
|
|
Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
|
|
%
|
|
If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
|
|
-- Robert Frost
|
|
%
|
|
If some people didn't tell you,
|
|
you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
|
|
%
|
|
If someone had told me I would be Pope
|
|
one day, I would have studied harder.
|
|
-- Pope John Paul I
|
|
%
|
|
If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
|
|
%
|
|
If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
|
|
ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
|
|
way they do?
|
|
%
|
|
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
|
|
and never be our destiny.
|
|
-- Rene de Visme Williamson
|
|
%
|
|
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
|
|
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,
|
|
and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
|
|
-- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
|
|
%
|
|
If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
|
|
this would be a better world.
|
|
-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
|
|
%
|
|
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
|
|
-- Norm Schryer
|
|
%
|
|
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
|
|
the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
|
|
college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
|
|
method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
|
|
learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
|
|
be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
|
|
young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
|
|
I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
|
|
by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
|
|
instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
|
|
attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
|
|
not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
|
|
put on a professor.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
|
|
steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
|
|
principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
|
|
feature, that.
|
|
-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
|
|
%
|
|
If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
|
|
-- Robert Moses
|
|
%
|
|
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
|
|
would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
|
|
-- Doug Larson
|
|
|
|
[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
|
|
mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
|
|
%
|
|
If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
|
|
Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
|
|
%
|
|
If the government doesn't trust the people, why
|
|
doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
|
|
%
|
|
If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
|
|
consider what may be fertilizing it.
|
|
%
|
|
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
|
|
we would be so simple we couldn't.
|
|
%
|
|
If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
|
|
I would have recommended something simpler.
|
|
-- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
|
|
Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
|
|
%
|
|
If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
|
|
the lives of both have been wasted.
|
|
%
|
|
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
|
|
then this sentence would not be false.
|
|
%
|
|
If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
|
|
goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
|
|
-- Frank Zappa
|
|
%
|
|
If the odds are a million to one against something
|
|
occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
|
|
%
|
|
If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
|
|
-- Anatole France
|
|
%
|
|
If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
|
|
what a living the poor could make!
|
|
%
|
|
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
|
|
%
|
|
If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
|
|
%
|
|
If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
|
|
Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
|
|
on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
|
|
paper folding, or something.
|
|
-- C. Philip Wood
|
|
%
|
|
If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
|
|
-- Chief Dan George
|
|
%
|
|
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
|
|
If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
|
|
If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
|
|
church attendance will exceed all expectations.
|
|
-- Reverend Chichester
|
|
%
|
|
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
|
|
%
|
|
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
|
|
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
|
|
|
|
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
|
|
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
|
|
%
|
|
If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
|
|
of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
|
|
of this life.
|
|
-- Albert Camus
|
|
%
|
|
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
|
|
-- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
|
|
can't afford divorce.
|
|
-- Jack Nicholson
|
|
%
|
|
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
|
|
-- Art Hoppe
|
|
%
|
|
If there is no wind, row.
|
|
-- Polish proverb
|
|
%
|
|
If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
|
|
have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
|
|
-- Saul Goodman
|
|
%
|
|
If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
|
|
%
|
|
If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
|
|
years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
|
|
school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
|
|
-- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
|
|
%
|
|
If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
|
|
%
|
|
If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
|
|
go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
|
|
days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
|
|
to crudeness...
|
|
-- Johnny Mnemonic
|
|
%
|
|
If they were so inclined, they could impeach
|
|
him because they don't like his necktie.
|
|
-- Attorney General William Saxbe
|
|
%
|
|
If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
|
|
%
|
|
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
|
|
%
|
|
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
|
|
It's not time yet.
|
|
%
|
|
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
|
|
%
|
|
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
|
|
doing the thinking.
|
|
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
|
|
|
|
Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
|
|
helmet off.
|
|
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
|
|
|
|
I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
|
|
itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
|
|
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
|
|
-- Ernest Hemingway
|
|
%
|
|
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs.
|
|
%
|
|
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
|
|
If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
|
|
%
|
|
If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
|
|
%
|
|
If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
|
|
-- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
|
|
%
|
|
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
|
|
all be millionaires.
|
|
-- Abigail Van Buren
|
|
%
|
|
If we do not change our direction we are
|
|
likely to end up where we are headed.
|
|
%
|
|
If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
|
|
-- John Sinclair
|
|
%
|
|
If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
|
|
of it.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
|
|
findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
|
|
-- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
|
|
criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
|
|
crimes.
|
|
%
|
|
If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
|
|
It's the light of an oncoming train.
|
|
-- Robert Lowell
|
|
%
|
|
If we spoke a different language, we
|
|
would perceive a somewhat different world.
|
|
-- Wittgenstein
|
|
%
|
|
If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
|
|
we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
|
|
-- Samuel Adams
|
|
%
|
|
If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
|
|
with alarm clocks.
|
|
%
|
|
If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
|
|
%
|
|
If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
|
|
do something else.
|
|
-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
|
|
%
|
|
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
|
|
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
|
|
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
|
|
-- Marguerite Emmons
|
|
%
|
|
If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
|
|
%
|
|
If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
|
|
beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
|
|
lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
|
|
women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
|
|
-- Gloria Steinham
|
|
%
|
|
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
|
|
-- Aristotle Onassis
|
|
%
|
|
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
|
|
Quit work and play for once!
|
|
%
|
|
If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
|
|
-- Arthur Miller
|
|
%
|
|
If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
|
|
-- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
|
|
crazy.
|
|
%
|
|
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
|
|
-- Anton Chekov
|
|
%
|
|
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
|
|
-- Chekhov
|
|
%
|
|
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
|
|
%
|
|
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
|
|
good, you will get out of it.
|
|
%
|
|
If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
|
|
your honesty is corrupt.
|
|
%
|
|
If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
|
|
longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
|
|
-- Abigail Van Buren
|
|
%
|
|
If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
|
|
If you are for yourself, then what are you?
|
|
If not now, when?
|
|
%
|
|
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
|
|
evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
|
|
words.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
|
|
%
|
|
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is
|
|
sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions
|
|
speak louder than words.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz
|
|
%
|
|
If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
|
|
by your parents, we will cash your check.
|
|
%
|
|
If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
|
|
over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
|
|
-- Walter Hagen
|
|
%
|
|
If you are smart enough to know that you're not
|
|
smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
|
|
%
|
|
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
|
|
%
|
|
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
|
|
%
|
|
If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
|
|
-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
|
|
%
|
|
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
|
|
-- J. Paul Getty
|
|
%
|
|
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
|
|
theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
|
|
%
|
|
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
|
|
%
|
|
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
|
|
%
|
|
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
|
|
-- Harry S. Truman
|
|
%
|
|
If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
|
|
what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
|
|
-- Edwim Schrodinger
|
|
%
|
|
If you can't be good, be careful.
|
|
If you can't be careful, give me a call.
|
|
%
|
|
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
|
|
-- Harry S. Truman
|
|
%
|
|
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
|
|
%
|
|
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
|
|
%
|
|
If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
|
|
%
|
|
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
|
|
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
|
|
%
|
|
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
|
|
%
|
|
If you catch a man, throw him back.
|
|
-- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
|
|
%
|
|
If you continually give you will continually have.
|
|
%
|
|
If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
|
|
accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
|
|
%
|
|
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
|
|
%
|
|
If you didn't have most of your friends,
|
|
you wouldn't have most of your problems.
|
|
%
|
|
If you didn't have to work so hard,
|
|
you'd have more time to be depressed.
|
|
%
|
|
If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
|
|
-- John Galsworthy
|
|
%
|
|
If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
|
|
it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
|
|
-- Carlyle
|
|
%
|
|
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
|
|
in the Bible.
|
|
-- Mordecai Richler
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't do it, you'll never know what
|
|
would have happened if you had done it.
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't drink it, someone else will.
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
|
|
-- Clarence Day
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't have the time right now,
|
|
will you have redo right time later?
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't have time to do it right, where
|
|
are you going to find the time to do it over?
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
|
|
-- Calvin Coolidge
|
|
%
|
|
If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
|
|
-- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
|
|
%
|
|
If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
|
|
%
|
|
If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
|
|
an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
|
|
it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
|
|
will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
|
|
it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
|
|
around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
|
|
carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
|
|
raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
|
|
what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
|
|
properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
|
|
gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
|
|
numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
|
|
you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
|
|
over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
|
|
was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
|
|
network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
|
|
software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
|
|
number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
|
|
in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
|
|
get my drift.
|
|
%
|
|
If you explain something so clearly that no
|
|
one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
|
|
%
|
|
If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
|
|
%
|
|
If you find a solution and become attached to it,
|
|
the solution may become your next problem.
|
|
%
|
|
If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
|
|
%
|
|
If you float on instinct alone, how can you
|
|
calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
|
|
-- Christopher Hodder-Williams
|
|
%
|
|
If you fool around with something long
|
|
enough, it will eventually break.
|
|
%
|
|
If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
|
|
%
|
|
If you give Congress a chance to vote on
|
|
both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
|
|
-- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
|
|
%
|
|
If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
|
|
all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
|
|
so as not to disturb those around you.
|
|
%
|
|
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
|
|
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
|
|
swimming.
|
|
-- Jack Handey
|
|
%
|
|
If you had better tools, you could more
|
|
effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
|
|
%
|
|
If you had just one moment to live
|
|
And they granted you one special wish
|
|
Would you ask for something
|
|
Like another chance.
|
|
-- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
|
|
%
|
|
If you hands are clean and your cause is just
|
|
and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
|
|
%
|
|
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
|
|
%
|
|
If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
|
|
-- Bette Davis
|
|
%
|
|
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
|
|
%
|
|
If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
|
|
new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
|
|
does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
|
|
make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
|
|
The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
|
|
you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
|
|
will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
|
|
cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
|
|
dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
|
|
of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
|
|
straight.
|
|
-- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
|
|
%
|
|
If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
|
|
-- Spiro Agnew
|
|
%
|
|
If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
|
|
%
|
|
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
|
|
-- Louis Armstrong
|
|
%
|
|
If you have to hate, hate gently.
|
|
%
|
|
If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
|
|
in chartered accountancy beckons.
|
|
-- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
|
|
Systems course.
|
|
%
|
|
If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
|
|
hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
|
|
-- Neil Bogart
|
|
%
|
|
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
|
|
yourself in the posterior.
|
|
-- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"
|
|
%
|
|
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
|
|
boot yourself in the posterior.
|
|
-- A.J. Liebling
|
|
%
|
|
If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.
|
|
%
|
|
If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
|
|
rubbish into it.
|
|
-- William Orton
|
|
%
|
|
If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
|
|
%
|
|
If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
|
|
-- Petersen Nesbit
|
|
%
|
|
If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
|
|
you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
|
|
365 useless things.
|
|
%
|
|
If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
|
|
%
|
|
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
|
|
-- Graham Summer
|
|
%
|
|
If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
|
|
-- Simone De Beauvoir
|
|
%
|
|
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
|
|
because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
|
|
-- George Burns
|
|
%
|
|
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
|
|
and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
|
|
-- Garrison Keillor
|
|
%
|
|
If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
|
|
-- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
|
|
%
|
|
If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
|
|
If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
|
|
%
|
|
If you lose a son you can always get another,
|
|
but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
|
|
-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
|
|
%
|
|
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
|
|
or famous or both.
|
|
%
|
|
If you love someone, set them free.
|
|
If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
|
|
%
|
|
If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
|
|
come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
|
|
%
|
|
If you make a mistake you right it
|
|
immediately to the best of your ability.
|
|
%
|
|
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
|
|
with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
|
|
but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
|
|
%
|
|
If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
|
|
be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
|
|
-- Ann Landers
|
|
%
|
|
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
|
|
in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
|
|
%
|
|
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
|
|
-- Schmidt
|
|
%
|
|
If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
|
|
Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
|
|
%
|
|
If you need anything just whistle.
|
|
You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
|
|
Just put your lips together and blow.
|
|
-- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
|
|
%
|
|
If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
|
|
they must not be deceiving you very well.
|
|
%
|
|
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
|
|
bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
|
|
you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
|
|
ice, but no cup.
|
|
%
|
|
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
|
|
%
|
|
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
|
|
But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
|
|
is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
|
|
-- Pierre Gallois
|
|
%
|
|
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
|
|
restaurant.
|
|
-- Snoopy
|
|
%
|
|
If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
|
|
Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
|
|
something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
|
|
they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
|
|
they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
|
|
if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
|
|
-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
|
|
-- Hermann Goering
|
|
%
|
|
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
|
|
%
|
|
If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
|
|
%
|
|
If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
|
|
deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
|
|
are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
|
|
%
|
|
If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
|
|
%
|
|
If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
|
|
But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
|
|
-- Swami Prabhupada
|
|
%
|
|
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
|
|
%
|
|
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
|
|
many it's research.
|
|
-- Wilson Mizner
|
|
%
|
|
If you stew apples like cranberries,
|
|
they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
|
|
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
|
|
Or some joker who is slicker,
|
|
Will trick you of your liquor,
|
|
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
|
|
%
|
|
If you stick your head in the sand,
|
|
one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
|
|
%
|
|
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
|
|
%
|
|
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
|
|
schizophrenia.
|
|
-- Thomas Szasz
|
|
%
|
|
If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
|
|
then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
|
|
harm.
|
|
%
|
|
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
|
|
%
|
|
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
|
|
-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
|
|
%
|
|
If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
|
|
wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
|
|
%
|
|
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
|
|
try missing a couple of car payments.
|
|
-- Earl Wilson
|
|
%
|
|
If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
|
|
someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
|
|
your Bic.
|
|
%
|
|
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
|
|
-- Arthur Kasspe
|
|
%
|
|
If you think the system is working,
|
|
ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
|
|
%
|
|
If you think the United States has stood still,
|
|
who built the largest shopping center in the world?
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
|
|
lack sufficient imagination.
|
|
%
|
|
If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
|
|
to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
|
|
say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party
|
|
next year.
|
|
What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
|
|
up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
|
|
they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
|
|
to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
|
|
parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
|
|
another one ...
|
|
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
|
|
unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
|
|
through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
|
|
they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
|
|
your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
|
|
them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
|
|
-- Mr. Interesting
|
|
%
|
|
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
|
|
end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
|
|
%
|
|
If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
|
|
and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
|
|
-- F.D. Roosevelt
|
|
%
|
|
If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
|
|
%
|
|
If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
|
|
done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
|
|
%
|
|
If you want me to be a good little bunny
|
|
just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
|
|
-- Lauren Bacall
|
|
%
|
|
If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
|
|
-- Michelet
|
|
%
|
|
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
|
|
read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
|
|
-- Don Marquis
|
|
%
|
|
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
|
|
%
|
|
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
|
|
%
|
|
If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
|
|
books.
|
|
-- Alan King
|
|
%
|
|
If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
|
|
-- Harry Blackstone
|
|
%
|
|
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
|
|
Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
|
|
Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
|
|
containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
|
|
the word "National".
|
|
-- George Will
|
|
%
|
|
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
|
|
you say, talk in your sleep.
|
|
%
|
|
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
|
|
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
|
|
it, even if they don't know what it means.
|
|
-- Walt Kelly
|
|
%
|
|
If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
|
|
%
|
|
If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
|
|
fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
|
|
heartbeats.
|
|
%
|
|
If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
|
|
If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
|
|
If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
|
|
If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
|
|
-- Chinese Proverb
|
|
%
|
|
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
|
|
%
|
|
If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
|
|
boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
|
|
-- Anton Chekov
|
|
%
|
|
If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
|
|
If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
|
|
well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
|
|
If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
|
|
If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
|
|
position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
|
|
but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
|
|
If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
|
|
institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
|
|
be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
|
|
why.
|
|
%
|
|
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
|
|
%
|
|
If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
|
|
-- Ben Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
If you would understand your own age, read the works
|
|
of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
|
|
%
|
|
If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
|
|
Bed down with a pretty girl.
|
|
Amor vincit omnia.
|
|
%
|
|
If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
|
|
%
|
|
If your bread is stale, make toast.
|
|
%
|
|
If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
|
|
If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
|
|
-- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
|
|
%
|
|
If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
|
|
I guess you do have a problem.
|
|
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
|
|
%
|
|
If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
|
|
%
|
|
If your mother knew what you're doing,
|
|
she'd probably hang her head and cry.
|
|
%
|
|
If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
|
|
%
|
|
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
|
|
longer be fantasies.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz
|
|
%
|
|
If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a
|
|
piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
|
|
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
|
|
-- Jack Handey
|
|
%
|
|
If you're careful enough, nothing
|
|
bad or good will ever happen to you.
|
|
%
|
|
If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
|
|
The Olympics are over.
|
|
%
|
|
If you're constantly being mistreated,
|
|
you're cooperating with the treatment.
|
|
%
|
|
If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
|
|
strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
|
|
together yet.
|
|
-- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
|
|
%
|
|
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
|
|
%
|
|
If you're going to do something tonight
|
|
that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
|
|
-- Henny Youngman
|
|
%
|
|
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
|
|
%
|
|
If you're happy, you're successful.
|
|
%
|
|
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
|
|
%
|
|
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
|
|
-- Benjamin Disraeli
|
|
%
|
|
If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
|
|
As well as by traffic and crime,
|
|
Consider how worry-free gophers are,
|
|
Though living on burrowed time.
|
|
-- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
|
|
%
|
|
If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
|
|
off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
|
|
%
|
|
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
|
|
-- Ronald Reagan
|
|
%
|
|
ignisecond, n:
|
|
The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
|
|
door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
IGNORANCE:
|
|
When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
|
|
%
|
|
Ignorance is bliss.
|
|
-- Thomas Gray
|
|
|
|
Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
|
|
BLISS is ignorance.
|
|
%
|
|
Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
|
|
rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
|
|
-- Franklin K. Dane
|
|
%
|
|
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
|
|
%
|
|
Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
|
|
so resolutely pursuing it.
|
|
%
|
|
Ignore previous fortune.
|
|
%
|
|
Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux
|
|
Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
|
|
Enmimes sont les gougebosquex,
|
|
Et le momerade horgrave.
|
|
|
|
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
|
|
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
|
|
Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
|
|
Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
|
|
%
|
|
I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
|
|
%
|
|
I'll burn my books.
|
|
-- Christopher Marlowe
|
|
%
|
|
I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
|
|
in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
|
|
-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
|
|
%
|
|
I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
|
|
Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
|
|
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
|
|
And in our bound partition never part.
|
|
|
|
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
|
|
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
|
|
A root or two, a torus and a node:
|
|
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
|
|
|
|
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
|
|
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
|
|
Bernoulli would have been content to die
|
|
Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!
|
|
%
|
|
I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
|
|
I play just what I feel.
|
|
Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
|
|
And die behind the wheel.
|
|
They got a name for the winners in the world,
|
|
I want a name when I lose.
|
|
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
|
|
Call me Deacon Blues.
|
|
-- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
|
|
%
|
|
I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
|
|
-- Pink Floyd
|
|
%
|
|
I'll never get off this planet.
|
|
-- Luke Skywalker
|
|
%
|
|
I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
|
|
%
|
|
I'll turn over a new leaf.
|
|
-- Miguel de Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
|
|
any Indian.
|
|
-- Robert Orben
|
|
|
|
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
|
|
-- Jack Paar
|
|
%
|
|
Illegitimi non carborundum
|
|
(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
|
|
%
|
|
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
|
|
it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
|
|
%
|
|
Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
|
|
%
|
|
Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
|
|
-- Voltaire
|
|
%
|
|
I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
|
|
that I could have evolved from man.
|
|
%
|
|
"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
|
|
-- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
|
|
the idea of a doomsday machine.
|
|
"I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
|
|
-- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
|
|
Ellen up a steep incline.
|
|
"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
|
|
-- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
|
|
"I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
|
|
-- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
|
|
Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
|
|
"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
|
|
-- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
|
|
"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
|
|
-- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
|
|
that Kirk talked strangely.
|
|
"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
|
|
-- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
|
|
aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
|
|
"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
|
|
-- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
|
|
physical exam to answer the alert.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
|
|
a sports jacket and take off my brain.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
|
|
thank everyone for making this night necessary.
|
|
-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
|
|
%
|
|
I'm all for computer dating, but I
|
|
wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm always looking for a new idea that
|
|
will be more productive than its cost.
|
|
-- David Rockefeller
|
|
%
|
|
I'm an artist.
|
|
But it's not what I really want to do.
|
|
What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
|
|
I know what you're going to say --
|
|
"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
|
|
All right! But it's what I want to do.
|
|
Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
|
|
|
|
The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
|
|
-- J. Feiffer
|
|
%
|
|
I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
|
|
that I could have been created by man.
|
|
%
|
|
"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
I'm dying beyond my means.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
|
|
%
|
|
"I'm dying," he croaked.
|
|
"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
|
|
"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
|
|
"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
|
|
"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
|
|
"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
|
|
"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
|
|
"You snake," she rattled.
|
|
"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
|
|
"Company's coming," she guessed.
|
|
"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
|
|
"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
|
|
"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
|
|
"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
|
|
"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
|
|
-- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
|
|
%
|
|
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
|
|
-- George McGovern
|
|
%
|
|
I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
%
|
|
I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've
|
|
just had a good war.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm glad I was not born before tea.
|
|
-- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
|
|
%
|
|
I'm glad that I'm an American,
|
|
I'm glad that I am free,
|
|
But I wish I were a little doggy,
|
|
And McGovern were a tree.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
|
|
every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
|
|
it with you.
|
|
|
|
> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
|
|
the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
|
|
> And in LA it's 72.
|
|
|
|
> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
|
|
is a million percent.
|
|
> And in LA it's 72.
|
|
|
|
> In New York there are a million interesting people.
|
|
> And in LA there are 72.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
|
|
-- Fred Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
|
|
-- John Foreman
|
|
%
|
|
I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
|
|
says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
|
|
-- Bob Hope
|
|
%
|
|
I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
|
|
-- Harold Urey
|
|
%
|
|
I'm just as sad as sad can be!
|
|
I've missed your special date.
|
|
Please say that you're not mad at me
|
|
My tax return is late.
|
|
-- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
|
|
%
|
|
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
|
|
living apart.
|
|
-- E.E. Cummings
|
|
%
|
|
I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
|
|
N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
|
|
I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
|
|
She's traversed me seven times before.
|
|
And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
|
|
Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
|
|
I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
|
|
N-ary the tree I am, I am,
|
|
N-ary the tree I am.
|
|
-- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not a lovable man.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
|
|
with twenty-eight years ago.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
|
|
match the men.
|
|
-- George Eliot
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
|
|
-- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not offering myself as an example;
|
|
every life evolves by its own laws.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not proud.
|
|
%
|
|
"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
|
|
-- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
|
|
that good.
|
|
-- Amy Gorin
|
|
%
|
|
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
|
|
that some thinkle peep I am.
|
|
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
|
|
gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
|
|
and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
|
|
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
|
|
yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
|
|
really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
|
|
what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
|
|
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
|
|
-- Carl Sagan
|
|
%
|
|
I'm prepared for all emergencies but
|
|
totally unprepared for everyday life.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
|
|
-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
|
|
-- Arthur Godfrey
|
|
%
|
|
I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
|
|
Let's not talk again REAL soon...
|
|
%
|
|
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm sorry I missed.
|
|
-- Squeaky Fromme
|
|
%
|
|
I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
|
|
%
|
|
I'm successful because I'm lucky.
|
|
The harder I work, the luckier I get.
|
|
%
|
|
"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
|
|
a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
|
|
"That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under
|
|
my arm."
|
|
%
|
|
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
|
|
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
|
|
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
|
|
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
|
|
-- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
|
|
%
|
|
I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
|
|
like pigeons and Catholics.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
|
|
-- A. Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
|
|
-- Jules de Gaultier
|
|
%
|
|
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
|
|
way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
|
|
complaining.
|
|
-- Jef Raskin
|
|
%
|
|
Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
|
|
It would mean political ruin.
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler
|
|
%
|
|
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a
|
|
150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a
|
|
screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition
|
|
for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first
|
|
question that the computer community asks?
|
|
|
|
"Is it PC compatible?"
|
|
%
|
|
Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
|
|
-- John Lennon, "Imagine"
|
|
%
|
|
Imagine what we can imagine!
|
|
-- Arthur Rubinstein
|
|
%
|
|
Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
|
|
-- Genji
|
|
%
|
|
Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
|
|
In order for something to become clean, something else must
|
|
become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
|
|
anything clean.
|
|
%
|
|
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
|
|
-- Fred Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
|
|
%
|
|
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
|
|
%
|
|
Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
|
|
-- Lionel Trilling
|
|
%
|
|
Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
|
|
-- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
|
|
%
|
|
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
|
|
-- Jack Paar
|
|
%
|
|
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
|
|
-- Edgar A. Shoaff
|
|
%
|
|
Immutability, Three Rules of:
|
|
(1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
|
|
(2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
|
|
(3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
|
|
%
|
|
IMPARTIAL:
|
|
Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
|
|
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
|
|
conflicting opinions.
|
|
%
|
|
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
|
|
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
|
|
it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
|
|
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
|
|
%
|
|
In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
|
|
in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
|
|
revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
|
|
behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
|
|
shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
|
|
|
|
It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
|
|
ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
|
|
%
|
|
In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
|
|
dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
|
|
more to its liking.
|
|
|
|
In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
|
|
Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
|
|
liking.
|
|
%
|
|
In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
|
|
%
|
|
In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
|
|
an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
|
|
%
|
|
In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
|
|
the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
|
|
%
|
|
In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
|
|
by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
|
|
has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
|
|
-- Leon Trotsky, 1937
|
|
%
|
|
In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
|
|
humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
|
|
anyway.
|
|
-- The 5th Wave
|
|
%
|
|
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
|
|
Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
|
|
%
|
|
In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
|
|
placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
|
|
%
|
|
In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
|
|
other really likes.
|
|
-- Elizabeth Ashley
|
|
%
|
|
In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
|
|
in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
|
|
to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
|
|
have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
|
|
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
|
|
%
|
|
In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
|
|
frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
|
|
are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
|
|
minimization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
|
|
compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
|
|
lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
|
|
this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
|
|
%
|
|
In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
|
|
of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
|
|
because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
|
|
person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
|
|
superior to Tops10.
|
|
%
|
|
In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
|
|
taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
|
|
%
|
|
In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the
|
|
risk he takes.
|
|
-- Adlai Stevenson
|
|
%
|
|
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
|
|
%
|
|
In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
|
|
be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
|
|
beloved.
|
|
-- Russell Baker
|
|
%
|
|
In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
|
|
%
|
|
In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
|
|
sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
|
|
-- Idi Amin Dada
|
|
%
|
|
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
|
|
are to be treated as variables.
|
|
%
|
|
In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
|
|
the answer may be obtained by inspection.
|
|
%
|
|
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
|
|
it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
|
|
-- Stuart Keate
|
|
%
|
|
IN BOX:
|
|
A catch basin for everything you don't want
|
|
to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
|
|
%
|
|
In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
|
|
the cows are known sluts.
|
|
-- Johnny Carson
|
|
%
|
|
In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
|
|
made the World Series just something that came later.
|
|
-- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
|
|
%
|
|
In buying horses and taking a wife
|
|
shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
|
|
%
|
|
In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
|
|
thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
|
|
teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
|
|
said, "up to the mathematicians."
|
|
-- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
|
|
%
|
|
In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
|
|
it into television shows.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
|
|
%
|
|
In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
|
|
%
|
|
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
|
|
against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled.
|
|
%
|
|
In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
|
|
-- The Kidner Report
|
|
%
|
|
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
|
|
%
|
|
In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
|
|
He'll kiss it and make it better.
|
|
%
|
|
In charity there is no excess.
|
|
-- Francis Bacon
|
|
%
|
|
In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
|
|
husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
|
|
be free of subjugation.
|
|
-- The Hindu Code of Manu
|
|
%
|
|
In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
|
|
%
|
|
In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
|
|
This is called Monotony.
|
|
%
|
|
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
|
|
-- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery
|
|
%
|
|
In dwelling, be close to the land.
|
|
In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
|
|
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
|
|
In speech, be true.
|
|
In work, be competent.
|
|
In action, be careful of your timing.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
|
|
programming languages.
|
|
%
|
|
In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
%
|
|
In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
|
|
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
|
|
%
|
|
In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
|
|
Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
|
|
And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
|
|
a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
|
|
-- Mary Poppins
|
|
%
|
|
In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
|
|
%
|
|
In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
|
|
transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
|
|
in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
|
|
spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
|
|
-- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
|
|
%
|
|
In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
|
|
in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
|
|
%
|
|
In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
|
|
I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
|
|
because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
|
|
didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
|
|
Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
|
|
for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
|
|
-- Pastor Martin Niemoller
|
|
%
|
|
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
|
|
%
|
|
In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
|
|
know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
|
|
-- Plato
|
|
%
|
|
In her first passion woman loves her lover,
|
|
In all the others all she loves is love.
|
|
-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
|
|
%
|
|
In high school in Brooklyn
|
|
I was the baseball manager,
|
|
proud as I could be
|
|
I chased baseballs,
|
|
gathered thrown bats
|
|
handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
|
|
It was very important work but it was dark blue while
|
|
for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
|
|
but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
|
|
When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
|
|
their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
|
|
I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
|
|
Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
|
|
got these jackets, and among all those green ones
|
|
surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
|
|
I still recall that jacket
|
|
and the memory goes on hurting.
|
|
-- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
|
|
%
|
|
In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
|
|
afterwards that causes the problems.
|
|
-- Shelley Winters
|
|
%
|
|
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
|
|
-- Rex Reed
|
|
%
|
|
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
|
|
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
|
|
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
|
|
murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
|
|
and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
|
|
five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
|
|
The cuckoo-clock.
|
|
-- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
|
|
%
|
|
In just seven days, I can make you a man!
|
|
-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
|
|
[ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
|
|
progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
|
|
-- James Slagle
|
|
%
|
|
In like a dimwit, out like a light.
|
|
-- Pogo
|
|
%
|
|
In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
|
|
-- Bruton
|
|
%
|
|
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
|
|
to take every advantage of the enemy.
|
|
%
|
|
In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
|
|
the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
|
|
have obtained from books of travel.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
|
|
in matters of taste, swim with the current.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
%
|
|
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
|
|
-- Josi Simon
|
|
%
|
|
In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
|
|
It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
|
|
%
|
|
In most instances, all an argument
|
|
proves is that two people are present.
|
|
%
|
|
In my end is my beginning.
|
|
-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
|
|
%
|
|
In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
|
|
your left leg, it's modern architecture.
|
|
-- Nancy Banks Smith
|
|
%
|
|
IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
|
|
becoming pure energy.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
In Nature there are neither rewards nor
|
|
punishments, there are consequences.
|
|
-- R.G. Ingersoll
|
|
%
|
|
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
|
|
a practice which is still continued.
|
|
-- Helen Rowland
|
|
%
|
|
In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
|
|
%
|
|
In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
|
|
you're what's left.
|
|
%
|
|
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
|
|
%
|
|
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
|
|
It is not always an easy sacrifice.
|
|
%
|
|
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
|
|
is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
|
|
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
|
|
from the cares of office.
|
|
%
|
|
In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
|
|
%
|
|
In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
|
|
a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
|
|
-- John Diefenbaker
|
|
%
|
|
In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
|
|
happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
|
|
-- Paul Licker
|
|
%
|
|
In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
|
|
want the other person.
|
|
-- Margaret Anderson
|
|
%
|
|
In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
|
|
-- Will Durst
|
|
%
|
|
In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
|
|
good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
|
|
their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
|
|
do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
|
|
human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
|
|
recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
|
|
-- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
|
|
%
|
|
In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
|
|
%
|
|
In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
|
|
-- Ann Frank
|
|
%
|
|
In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
|
|
-- Alan Kay
|
|
%
|
|
In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
|
|
And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
|
|
%
|
|
In the beginning was the word.
|
|
But by the time the second word was added to it,
|
|
There was trouble.
|
|
For with it came syntax ...
|
|
-- John Simon
|
|
%
|
|
In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
|
|
Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
|
|
which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
|
|
intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
|
|
14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
|
|
fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
|
|
discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
|
|
to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
|
|
memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
|
|
|
|
"One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
|
|
could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
|
|
until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
|
|
combination."
|
|
|
|
Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
|
|
could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
|
|
%
|
|
In the days of old,
|
|
When Knights were bold,
|
|
And women were too cautious;
|
|
Oh, those gallant days,
|
|
When women were women,
|
|
And men were really obnoxious.
|
|
%
|
|
In the dimestores and bus stations
|
|
People talk of situations
|
|
Read books repeat quotations
|
|
Draw conclusions on the wall.
|
|
-- Bob Dylan
|
|
%
|
|
In the early morning queue,
|
|
With a listing in my hand.
|
|
With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
|
|
Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
|
|
I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
|
|
How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
|
|
In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
|
|
With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
|
|
Hey, there it goes my friend,
|
|
I've moved up one at last.
|
|
-- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
|
|
Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
|
|
%
|
|
In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes
|
|
into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird
|
|
moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This
|
|
message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making
|
|
its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue
|
|
sky at its back, returns home.
|
|
|
|
The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not.
|
|
The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message.
|
|
The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know
|
|
that the bird has come and gone.
|
|
%
|
|
In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
|
|
-- Martin Mull
|
|
%
|
|
In the first place, God made idiots;
|
|
this was for practice; then he made school boards.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
|
|
the proper order then why can't he?
|
|
%
|
|
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
|
|
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
|
|
S-O-D-A soda
|
|
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
|
|
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
|
|
Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
|
|
|
|
Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
|
|
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
|
|
Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
|
|
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
|
|
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
|
|
Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
|
|
-- "Yoda" by "Weird Al" Yankovic, to "Lola", by the Kinks
|
|
%
|
|
In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
|
|
-- Joseph Stalin
|
|
%
|
|
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
|
|
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
|
|
%
|
|
In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
|
|
woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
|
|
-- Tolstoy
|
|
%
|
|
In the land of the dark the Ship of the
|
|
Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
|
|
-- Egyptian Book of the Dead
|
|
%
|
|
In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.
|
|
-- Alan Perlis
|
|
%
|
|
In the long run we are all dead.
|
|
-- John Maynard Keynes
|
|
%
|
|
In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
|
|
a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
|
|
the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
|
|
|
|
Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
|
|
A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
|
|
%
|
|
In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
|
|
noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
|
|
the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
|
|
conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
|
|
jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
|
|
"Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
|
|
live?"
|
|
%
|
|
In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
|
|
displeasing to us.
|
|
-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
|
|
%
|
|
In the next world, you're on your own.
|
|
%
|
|
In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
|
|
wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
|
|
everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
|
|
camp.
|
|
After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
|
|
a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
|
|
louder and louder.
|
|
Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
|
|
the sound of those drums."
|
|
Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
|
|
NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
|
|
%
|
|
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
|
|
loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
|
|
you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
|
|
lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
|
|
and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
|
|
was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
|
|
struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
|
|
and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
|
|
crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
|
|
-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
|
|
novel.
|
|
%
|
|
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
|
|
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
|
|
Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
|
|
thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
|
|
Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
|
|
something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
|
|
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
In the Spring, I have counted 136
|
|
different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
|
|
-- Mark Twain, on New England weather
|
|
%
|
|
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
|
|
%
|
|
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
|
|
out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
|
|
-- Art Linkletter
|
|
%
|
|
In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
|
|
%
|
|
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
|
|
In practice, there is.
|
|
%
|
|
In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
|
|
-- Pliny the Elder
|
|
%
|
|
In this vale
|
|
Of toil and sin
|
|
Your head grows bald
|
|
But not your chin.
|
|
-- Burma Shave
|
|
%
|
|
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
|
|
-- Benjamin Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
|
|
thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
|
|
So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
|
|
%
|
|
In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
|
|
not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
|
|
%
|
|
In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
|
|
employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
|
|
-- Dr. L.J. Peter
|
|
%
|
|
In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
|
|
A stately pleasure dome decree,
|
|
Where /bin, the sacred river ran
|
|
Through Test Suites measureless to Man
|
|
Down to a sunless C.
|
|
%
|
|
In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
|
|
-- Napoleon
|
|
%
|
|
In war, truth is the first casualty.
|
|
-- U Thant
|
|
%
|
|
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
|
|
%
|
|
In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
|
|
-- Pliny
|
|
%
|
|
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
|
|
But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
|
|
%
|
|
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
|
|
A stately pleasure dome decree:
|
|
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
|
|
Through caverns measureless to man
|
|
Down to a sunless sea.
|
|
So twice five miles of fertile ground
|
|
With walls and towers were girdled round:
|
|
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
|
|
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
|
|
And here were forest ancient as the hills,
|
|
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
|
|
-- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
|
|
%
|
|
In youth, it was a way I had
|
|
To do my best to please,
|
|
And change, with every passing lad,
|
|
To suit his theories.
|
|
|
|
But now I know the things I know,
|
|
And do the things I do;
|
|
And if you do not like me so,
|
|
To hell, my love, with you!
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
|
|
%
|
|
INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
|
|
The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
|
|
to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
|
|
profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
|
|
incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
|
|
keep it."
|
|
%
|
|
Include me out.
|
|
%
|
|
Increased knowledge will help you now.
|
|
Have mate's phone bugged.
|
|
%
|
|
INCUMBENT:
|
|
Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
|
|
%
|
|
Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
|
|
%
|
|
Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
|
|
`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
|
|
with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
|
|
-- M.D. Epstein
|
|
%
|
|
INDEX:
|
|
Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
|
|
alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
|
|
%
|
|
Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
|
|
basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
|
|
is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
|
|
-- Carolyn Jones
|
|
%
|
|
Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
|
|
%
|
|
Individualists unite!
|
|
%
|
|
Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
|
|
advance; insufferable in victory.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
|
|
%
|
|
infancy, n:
|
|
The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
|
|
about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
|
|
Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
|
|
%
|
|
Information Center:
|
|
A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
|
|
tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
|
|
%
|
|
Information is the inverse of entropy.
|
|
%
|
|
Information Processing:
|
|
What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
|
|
it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
|
|
%
|
|
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
|
|
|
|
Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
|
|
Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
|
|
Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
|
|
behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
|
|
obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
|
|
|
|
On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
|
|
Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
|
|
the service. Our utmost will improve it.
|
|
|
|
-- Colin Bowles
|
|
%
|
|
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
|
|
|
|
Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
|
|
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
|
|
dressed as a man.
|
|
|
|
Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
|
|
Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
|
|
or similar.
|
|
|
|
On a Bucharest elevator:
|
|
|
|
The lift is being fixed for the next days.
|
|
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
|
|
|
|
-- Colin Bowles
|
|
%
|
|
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
|
|
|
|
Various signs in Poland:
|
|
|
|
Right turn toward immediate outside.
|
|
|
|
Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
|
|
|
|
Five o'clock tea at all hours.
|
|
|
|
In a men's washroom in Sidney:
|
|
|
|
Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
|
|
rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
|
|
on front of shirt.
|
|
|
|
-- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
|
|
%
|
|
ingrate, n:
|
|
A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
|
|
and then complains of indigestion.
|
|
%
|
|
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
|
|
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
ink, n:
|
|
A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
|
|
and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
|
|
idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
|
|
likes oneself.
|
|
-- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
|
|
%
|
|
INNOVATE:
|
|
Annoy people.
|
|
%
|
|
Innovation is hard to schedule.
|
|
-- Dan Fylstra
|
|
%
|
|
INNUENDO:
|
|
Italian enema.
|
|
%
|
|
Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
|
|
token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
|
|
-- Wilson Mizner
|
|
%
|
|
Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids!
|
|
%
|
|
Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
|
|
the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
|
|
%
|
|
INSECURITY:
|
|
Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
|
|
favorite words.
|
|
|
|
Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
|
|
the person who told it to you.
|
|
%
|
|
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
|
|
%
|
|
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
|
|
%
|
|
Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
|
|
hunting accident?"
|
|
Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
|
|
%
|
|
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
|
|
they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
|
|
anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
|
|
years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
|
|
-- Edgar W. Howe
|
|
%
|
|
Integrity has no need for rules.
|
|
%
|
|
Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
|
|
-- Henry Spencer
|
|
%
|
|
Intellect annuls Fate.
|
|
So far as a man thinks, he is free.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
Interchangeable parts won't.
|
|
%
|
|
INTEREST:
|
|
What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
|
|
burned out employees must feign.
|
|
%
|
|
Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
|
|
street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
|
|
invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
|
|
and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
|
|
best at, that's what I say.
|
|
-- Doctor Who
|
|
%
|
|
INTERPRETER:
|
|
One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
|
|
each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
|
|
interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
|
|
%
|
|
Into love and out again,
|
|
Thus I went and thus I go.
|
|
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
|
|
Well and bitterly I know
|
|
All the songs were ever sung,
|
|
All the words were ever said;
|
|
Could it be, when I was young,
|
|
Someone dropped me on my head?
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
|
|
%
|
|
INTOXICATED:
|
|
When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
|
|
%
|
|
Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
|
|
|
|
INSTRUCTION SET
|
|
Code Mnemonic What
|
|
0 NOP No Operation
|
|
1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
|
|
|
|
Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
|
|
%
|
|
Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
|
|
%
|
|
Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
|
|
it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
|
|
-- Bernard Cooke
|
|
%
|
|
I/O, I/O,
|
|
It's off to disk I go,
|
|
A bit or byte to read or write,
|
|
I/O, I/O, I/O...
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
|
_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l
|
|
I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l
|
|
[__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
|
|
[][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l
|
|
[__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
|
|
[][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l
|
|
[__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l
|
|
[][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l
|
|
[__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l
|
|
[__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l
|
|
[][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's
|
|
[__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings
|
|
_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________
|
|
[__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>
|
|
|
|
In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
IOT trap -- core dumped
|
|
%
|
|
IOT trap -- mos dumped
|
|
%
|
|
Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
|
|
-- Crow T. Robot
|
|
%
|
|
Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
|
|
they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
|
|
little paper envelopes.
|
|
%
|
|
Iron Law of Distribution:
|
|
Them that has, gets.
|
|
%
|
|
IRONY:
|
|
A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
|
|
a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
|
|
%
|
|
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
|
|
%
|
|
Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
|
|
%
|
|
"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
|
|
Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
|
|
%
|
|
Is death legally binding?
|
|
%
|
|
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
|
|
meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
|
|
a soap bubble?
|
|
%
|
|
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
|
|
%
|
|
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
|
|
of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
|
|
and such as are out wish to get in?
|
|
-- Ralph Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
|
|
%
|
|
Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
Is that really YOU that is reading this?
|
|
%
|
|
"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
|
|
"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
|
|
"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
|
|
"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
|
|
%
|
|
Is there life before breakfast?
|
|
%
|
|
Is this really happening?
|
|
%
|
|
Isn't air travel wonderful?
|
|
Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
|
|
%
|
|
Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
|
|
person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
|
|
-- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
|
|
%
|
|
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
|
|
listen to weather forecasts and economists?
|
|
-- Kelvin Throop III
|
|
%
|
|
Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
|
|
avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
|
|
would make them better prospects?
|
|
%
|
|
Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
|
|
there?
|
|
-- Herb Caen
|
|
%
|
|
Isn't it strange that the same people that
|
|
laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
|
|
%
|
|
ISO applications:
|
|
A solution in search of a problem!
|
|
%
|
|
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
|
|
The Course of Progress:
|
|
Most things get steadily worse.
|
|
The Path of Progress:
|
|
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
|
|
%
|
|
It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
|
|
most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
|
|
-- J. Sammet
|
|
%
|
|
It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
|
|
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
|
|
It lies behind starts and under hills,
|
|
And empty holes it fills.
|
|
It comes first and follows after,
|
|
Ends life, kills laughter.
|
|
%
|
|
"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
|
|
any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
|
|
horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
|
|
existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
|
|
that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
|
|
thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
|
|
horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
|
|
horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
|
|
Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
|
|
have wings by not being Walter's horse.
|
|
|
|
I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
|
|
then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
|
|
for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
|
|
necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
|
|
better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
|
|
-- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
|
|
%
|
|
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
|
|
-- Benjamin Disraeli
|
|
%
|
|
It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
|
|
interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
|
|
for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
|
|
invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
|
|
was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
|
|
hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
|
|
carried me.
|
|
-- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
|
|
%
|
|
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
|
|
%
|
|
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
|
|
pick up something from the floor while you get up.
|
|
%
|
|
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
|
|
done and what you're going to do.
|
|
%
|
|
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
|
|
%
|
|
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
|
|
next morning it was someone else.
|
|
-- Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
|
|
which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
|
|
insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
|
|
than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
|
|
-- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
|
|
%
|
|
It gets late early out there.
|
|
-- Yogi Berra
|
|
%
|
|
It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
|
|
or both feet firmly planted in the air.
|
|
%
|
|
It hangs down from the chandelier
|
|
Nobody knows quite what it does
|
|
Its color is odd and its shape is weird
|
|
It emits a high-sounding buzz
|
|
|
|
It grows a couple of feet each day
|
|
and wriggles with sort of a twitch
|
|
Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
|
|
a visiting uncle who's rich!
|
|
-- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
|
|
%
|
|
It happened long ago
|
|
In the new magic land
|
|
The Indians and the buffalo
|
|
Existed hand in hand
|
|
The Indians needed food
|
|
They need skins for a roof
|
|
The only took what they needed
|
|
And the buffalo ran loose
|
|
But then came the white man
|
|
With his thick and empty head
|
|
He couldn't see past his billfold
|
|
He wanted all the buffalo dead
|
|
It was sad, oh so sad.
|
|
-- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
|
|
%
|
|
It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came
|
|
out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded.
|
|
He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world
|
|
will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe
|
|
that it is a joke.
|
|
%
|
|
It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
|
|
most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
|
|
it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
|
|
-- H. Warner Munn
|
|
%
|
|
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
|
|
is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
|
|
have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life
|
|
I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
|
|
-- Bertrand Russell
|
|
%
|
|
It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
|
|
and getting people under the influence.
|
|
-- Jeremy Tunstall
|
|
%
|
|
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
|
|
%
|
|
It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
|
|
or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
|
|
achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
|
|
good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
|
|
notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
|
|
infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
|
|
folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
|
|
their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
|
|
appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
|
|
and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
|
|
competence will be quite enough.
|
|
-- The Underground Grammarian
|
|
%
|
|
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
|
|
the most important.
|
|
-- Sherlock Holmes
|
|
%
|
|
It has long been an axiom of mine that the
|
|
little things are infinitely the most important.
|
|
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
|
|
%
|
|
It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
|
|
manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
|
|
baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
|
|
is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
|
|
%
|
|
It has long been known that one horse can run faster
|
|
than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
|
|
indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
|
|
is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
|
|
of infanticide.
|
|
-- Edmond About
|
|
%
|
|
It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
|
|
to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
|
|
-- Marcus Porcius Cato
|
|
%
|
|
It is a lesson which all history teaches
|
|
wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
|
|
-- Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
|
|
%
|
|
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
|
|
-- Aeschylus
|
|
%
|
|
It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
|
|
my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer
|
|
%
|
|
It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
|
|
it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
|
|
organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
|
|
manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
|
|
I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
|
|
The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
|
|
could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
|
|
three more than the schedule allowed.
|
|
The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
|
|
could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
|
|
it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
|
|
Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
|
|
their thumbs for ten months.
|
|
To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
|
|
program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
|
|
but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
|
|
it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
|
|
integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
|
|
estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
|
|
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
|
|
%
|
|
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
%
|
|
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
|
|
What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
|
|
thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
|
|
-- Alan Perlis
|
|
%
|
|
It is all right to hold a conversation,
|
|
but you should let go of it now and then.
|
|
-- Richard Armour
|
|
%
|
|
It is always the best policy to speak the truth,
|
|
unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
|
|
-- Jerome K. Jerome
|
|
%
|
|
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
|
|
you are an exceptionally good liar.
|
|
-- Jerome K. Jerome
|
|
%
|
|
It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
|
|
%
|
|
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
|
|
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
|
|
%
|
|
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
|
|
-- Andrew W. Mathis
|
|
%
|
|
[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
|
|
-- K&R
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to live rich than to die rich.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
|
|
and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
|
|
%
|
|
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
|
|
%
|
|
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
|
|
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
|
|
admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
|
|
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
|
|
%
|
|
It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
|
|
is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
|
|
-- Descartes
|
|
%
|
|
It is convenient that there be gods, and,
|
|
as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
|
|
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
|
|
%
|
|
It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
|
|
remember.
|
|
-- Eugene McCarthy
|
|
%
|
|
It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
|
|
%
|
|
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
|
|
and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing
|
|
rabbits singing about toilet paper.
|
|
-- R. Serling
|
|
%
|
|
It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
|
|
%
|
|
It is easier for a camel to pass through the
|
|
eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
|
|
-- Kehlog Albran
|
|
%
|
|
It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
|
|
proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
|
|
better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
|
|
your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
|
|
attention, the harder the task.
|
|
-- Sydney J. Harris
|
|
%
|
|
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
|
|
%
|
|
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
|
|
-- Alfred Adler
|
|
%
|
|
It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
|
|
-- George Santayana
|
|
%
|
|
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
|
|
-- Leonardo da Vinci
|
|
%
|
|
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
|
|
%
|
|
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
|
|
%
|
|
It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
|
|
-- Aeschylus
|
|
%
|
|
It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
|
|
of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
|
|
-- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
|
|
%
|
|
It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
|
|
holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
|
|
is there, but speed him when he wishes.
|
|
-- Homer, "The Odyssey"
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to scheduling.]
|
|
%
|
|
It is exactly because a man cannot do a
|
|
thing that he is a proper judge of it.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
|
|
is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
|
|
last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
|
|
enough.
|
|
-- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
|
|
%
|
|
It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
|
|
%
|
|
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
|
|
without your help.
|
|
-- Miss Manners
|
|
%
|
|
It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
|
|
%
|
|
It is fruitless:
|
|
to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
|
|
|
|
to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
|
|
innovative maneuvers.
|
|
%
|
|
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
|
|
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
|
|
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
|
|
%
|
|
It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
|
|
love does not lie in the ear.
|
|
-- Walpole
|
|
%
|
|
It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
|
|
the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
|
|
case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
|
|
crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
|
|
%
|
|
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
|
|
%
|
|
It is impossible to defend perfectly
|
|
against the attack of those who want to die.
|
|
%
|
|
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
|
|
unless one has plenty of work to do.
|
|
-- Jerome Klapka Jerome
|
|
%
|
|
It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
|
|
-- Jerome K. Jerome
|
|
%
|
|
It is impossible to make anything
|
|
foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
|
|
%
|
|
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
|
|
certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
IT IS IN PROCESS:
|
|
So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
|
|
%
|
|
It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
|
|
but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
|
|
-- Plutarch
|
|
%
|
|
It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
|
|
God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
|
|
-- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
|
|
%
|
|
It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
|
|
wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
|
|
they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
|
|
like a happy married life.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
|
|
-- Benjamin Disraeli
|
|
%
|
|
It is much easier to suggest solutions
|
|
when you know nothing about the problem.
|
|
%
|
|
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
|
|
%
|
|
It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged
|
|
to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the
|
|
youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
|
|
-- Kingsley Amis
|
|
%
|
|
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
|
|
%
|
|
It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
|
|
that makes life blessed.
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
|
|
-- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
|
|
[Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
|
|
|
|
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
[Great minds think alike? Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
It is not enough to have a good mind.
|
|
The main thing is to use it well.
|
|
-- Rene Descartes
|
|
%
|
|
It is not enough to have great qualities,
|
|
we should also have the management of them.
|
|
-- La Rochefoucauld
|
|
%
|
|
It is not every question that deserves an answer.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
|
|
inscrutable workings of Providence.
|
|
-- The Earl of Birkenhead
|
|
%
|
|
It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
|
|
and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
|
|
-- Proverbs 19:2
|
|
%
|
|
It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
|
|
dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
|
|
she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
|
|
does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
|
|
dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
|
|
dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
|
|
-- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
|
|
%
|
|
It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
|
|
that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
|
|
-- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
|
|
%
|
|
It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
|
|
the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
|
|
man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
|
|
blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
|
|
knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
|
|
worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
|
|
he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
|
|
or defeat.
|
|
-- Teddy Roosevelt
|
|
%
|
|
It is not true that life is one damn thing after
|
|
another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
|
|
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
|
|
%
|
|
It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
|
|
the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
|
|
wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
|
|
kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
|
|
big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
|
|
and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
|
|
kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
|
|
sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
|
|
-- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
|
|
%
|
|
It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
|
|
-- Elizabeth Carpenter
|
|
%
|
|
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
|
|
%
|
|
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
|
|
to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
|
|
chemistry.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
|
|
-- Grace Murray Hopper
|
|
%
|
|
It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
|
|
-- Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
|
|
at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
|
|
is the only thing that makes the result come true.
|
|
-- William James
|
|
%
|
|
It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
|
|
what is essential is invisible to the eye.
|
|
-- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
|
|
%
|
|
It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
|
|
anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
|
|
a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
|
|
way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
|
|
should be used in its proper place.
|
|
-- Christopher Strachey
|
|
%
|
|
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
|
|
-- Maimie Van Doren
|
|
%
|
|
It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
|
|
have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
|
|
mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
|
|
%
|
|
It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
|
|
rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
|
|
kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
|
|
-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
|
|
%
|
|
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
|
|
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
|
|
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
|
|
day like any other day, only shorter.
|
|
-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
|
|
%
|
|
It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
|
|
sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
|
|
in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
|
|
too, shall pass away."
|
|
-- A. Lincoln
|
|
%
|
|
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
|
|
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
|
|
high as the eagle?
|
|
%
|
|
It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
|
|
-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
|
|
%
|
|
It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the
|
|
devil when he is the only explanation of it.
|
|
-- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
|
|
%
|
|
It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
|
|
yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
|
|
%
|
|
It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
|
|
statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
|
|
to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
|
|
which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
|
|
highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
|
|
worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
|
|
-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
|
|
%
|
|
It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
|
|
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
|
|
%
|
|
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
|
|
-- Carl Sandburg
|
|
%
|
|
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
|
|
-- Hawkwind
|
|
%
|
|
It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
|
|
set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
|
|
-- Francis Bacon
|
|
%
|
|
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
|
|
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
|
|
%
|
|
It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
|
|
-- Francis Bacon
|
|
%
|
|
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
|
|
%
|
|
It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
|
|
lives, works and has his being.
|
|
-- Thomas Carlyle
|
|
%
|
|
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
|
|
straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
|
|
Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
|
|
%
|
|
It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
|
|
-- Lloyd Kaufman,
|
|
producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
|
|
%
|
|
It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
|
|
It produces a false impression.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde.
|
|
%
|
|
It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
|
|
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
|
|
%
|
|
It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
|
|
-- Roger Babson
|
|
%
|
|
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
|
|
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
|
|
%
|
|
It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
|
|
%
|
|
It isn't easy being green.
|
|
-- Kermit the Frog
|
|
%
|
|
It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
|
|
small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
|
|
computers.
|
|
%
|
|
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
|
|
unhappy.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
|
|
-- Jack T. Shakespeare
|
|
%
|
|
It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
|
|
to Grandmother's condo.
|
|
%
|
|
It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
|
|
probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
|
|
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
|
|
%
|
|
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
|
|
%
|
|
It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
|
|
Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
|
|
-- Princess Leia Organa
|
|
%
|
|
IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
|
|
a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
|
|
that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
|
|
|
|
Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
|
|
to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
|
|
-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
|
|
%
|
|
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
|
|
or lose.
|
|
-- Darrin Weinberg
|
|
%
|
|
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
|
|
better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
It may be that your whole purpose in life
|
|
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
|
|
%
|
|
It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
|
|
%
|
|
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
|
|
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
|
|
a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
|
|
by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
|
|
in those who would gain by the new ones.
|
|
-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
|
|
%
|
|
It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
|
|
that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
|
|
starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
|
|
-- Arthur Binstead
|
|
%
|
|
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
|
|
%
|
|
It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
|
|
%
|
|
It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
|
|
one's life and then come round.
|
|
-- Lord Alfred Douglas
|
|
%
|
|
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
|
|
%
|
|
It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
|
|
they'll come out for it.
|
|
-- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
|
|
Harry Cohn
|
|
%
|
|
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
|
|
slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
|
|
more.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
|
|
%
|
|
It seems a little silly now, but this country
|
|
was founded as a protest against taxation.
|
|
%
|
|
It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
|
|
be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
|
|
unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
|
|
artificial lubrication or foreplay.
|
|
-- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
|
|
"Sex, Art and American Culture"
|
|
%
|
|
It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
|
|
-- Chris Torek
|
|
%
|
|
It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
|
|
language named "research student".
|
|
%
|
|
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
|
|
%
|
|
It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
|
|
to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
|
|
and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
|
|
airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
|
|
average wife is like that.
|
|
-- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
|
|
%
|
|
It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
|
|
%
|
|
It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
|
|
%
|
|
It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
|
|
-- Crazy Charlie
|
|
%
|
|
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
|
|
%
|
|
It takes less time to do a thing right
|
|
than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
|
|
-- H.W. Longfellow
|
|
%
|
|
It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
|
|
%
|
|
It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
|
|
may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
|
|
military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
|
|
the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
|
|
a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
|
|
officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
|
|
Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
|
|
-- Aviation Week and Space Technology
|
|
%
|
|
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
|
|
but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
|
|
-- Robert Benchley
|
|
%
|
|
It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
|
|
system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
|
|
some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
|
|
sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
|
|
-- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
|
|
Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
|
|
%
|
|
It used to be the fun was in
|
|
The capture and kill.
|
|
In another place and time
|
|
I did it all for thrills.
|
|
-- Lust to Love
|
|
%
|
|
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
|
|
%
|
|
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
|
|
%
|
|
It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
|
|
since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
|
|
laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
|
|
-- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
|
|
%
|
|
It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
|
|
never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
|
|
-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
|
|
%
|
|
It was all so different before everything changed.
|
|
%
|
|
It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
|
|
when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
|
|
-- Dion, noted computer scientist
|
|
%
|
|
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
|
|
was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
|
|
--- James Dent
|
|
%
|
|
It was one time too many
|
|
One word too few
|
|
It was all too much for me and you
|
|
There was one way to go
|
|
Nothing more we could do
|
|
One time too many
|
|
One word too few
|
|
-- Meredith Tanner
|
|
%
|
|
It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
|
|
%
|
|
It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
|
|
thought Frito.
|
|
-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
|
|
%
|
|
It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
|
|
I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
|
|
don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
|
|
the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
|
|
charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
|
|
novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
|
|
yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
|
|
man a lifetime.
|
|
-- Thomas Aldrich
|
|
%
|
|
It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
|
|
road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
|
|
and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
|
|
from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
|
|
The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
|
|
to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
|
|
man appeared out of an upstairs window.
|
|
"What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
|
|
"My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
|
|
would let me stay here for the night."
|
|
"Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
|
|
okay with me."
|
|
%
|
|
It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
|
|
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
|
|
-- Hunter S. Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
It was wonderful to find America, but it
|
|
would have been more wonderful to miss it.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
|
|
-- Tim Conway
|
|
%
|
|
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
|
|
It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
|
|
%
|
|
It would be nice to be sure of anything
|
|
the way some people are of everything.
|
|
%
|
|
It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
|
|
%
|
|
italic, adj:
|
|
Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
|
|
Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
|
|
are often slanted to the left.
|
|
%
|
|
It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
|
|
%
|
|
It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
|
|
-- Luke Skywalker
|
|
%
|
|
It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
|
|
-- Danny Vermin
|
|
%
|
|
It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
|
|
and party!
|
|
-- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
|
|
%
|
|
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
|
|
-- Andrew Jackson
|
|
%
|
|
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
|
|
-- Cheers
|
|
%
|
|
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
|
|
breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
|
|
%
|
|
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
|
|
%
|
|
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression
|
|
when you lose yours.
|
|
-- Harry S. Truman
|
|
%
|
|
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
It's all in the mind, ya know.
|
|
%
|
|
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
|
|
-- Mick Jagger
|
|
%
|
|
"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
|
|
any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
|
|
never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
|
|
out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
|
|
What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
|
|
flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
|
|
half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and
|
|
then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
|
|
have thought it up, I wonder?"
|
|
-- James Purdy
|
|
%
|
|
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
|
|
-- Alex Clark
|
|
%
|
|
It's amazing how many people you could be friends
|
|
with if only they'd make the first approach.
|
|
%
|
|
It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
|
|
%
|
|
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
|
|
%
|
|
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
|
|
-- Michael Arlen
|
|
%
|
|
It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
|
|
but why do the rats always have to win?
|
|
%
|
|
It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
|
|
-- Tom Stoppard
|
|
%
|
|
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
|
|
-- Marty Winch
|
|
%
|
|
It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
|
|
%
|
|
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
|
|
%
|
|
It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
|
|
%
|
|
It's business doing pleasure with you.
|
|
%
|
|
It's clever, but is it art?
|
|
%
|
|
It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
|
|
%
|
|
"It's easier said than done."
|
|
|
|
... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
|
|
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
|
|
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
|
|
done".
|
|
%
|
|
It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
|
|
-- Don Price
|
|
%
|
|
It's easier to get forgiveness for being
|
|
wrong than forgiveness for being right.
|
|
%
|
|
It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
|
|
-- Washlesky
|
|
%
|
|
It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
|
|
it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
|
|
%
|
|
It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
|
|
%
|
|
It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
|
|
-- Macy's
|
|
%
|
|
Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
|
|
in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
|
|
the ignorance of the community.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
It's faster horses,
|
|
Younger women,
|
|
Older whiskey and
|
|
More money.
|
|
-- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
|
|
%
|
|
It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
|
|
%
|
|
It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
|
|
first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
|
|
kill somebody.
|
|
-- Dorothy Sayers
|
|
%
|
|
It's gonna be alright,
|
|
It's almost midnight,
|
|
And I've got two more bottles of wine.
|
|
%
|
|
It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
|
|
even if most of them are bad.
|
|
%
|
|
It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
|
|
If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
|
|
%
|
|
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
|
|
%
|
|
It's hard to drive at the limit, but
|
|
it's harder to know where the limits are.
|
|
-- Stirling Moss
|
|
%
|
|
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
It's hard to keep your shirt on when
|
|
you're getting something off your chest.
|
|
%
|
|
It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
|
|
-- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
|
|
%
|
|
It's hard to think of you as the end
|
|
result of millions of years of evolution.
|
|
%
|
|
It's important that people know what you stand for.
|
|
It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
|
|
%
|
|
It's interesting to think that many quite
|
|
distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
|
|
%
|
|
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
|
|
If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
|
|
our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
|
|
-- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
|
|
%
|
|
It's just apartment house rules,
|
|
So all you 'partment house fools
|
|
Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
|
|
One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
|
|
-- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
|
|
%
|
|
It's later than you think.
|
|
%
|
|
It's later than you think, the joint
|
|
Russian-American space mission has already begun.
|
|
%
|
|
It's like deja vu all over again.
|
|
-- Yogi Berra
|
|
%
|
|
It's Like This
|
|
|
|
Even the samurai
|
|
have teddy bears,
|
|
and even the teddy bears
|
|
get drunk.
|
|
%
|
|
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
|
|
you're going in the wrong direction.
|
|
%
|
|
It's multiple choice time...
|
|
|
|
What is FORTRAN?
|
|
|
|
a: Between thre and fiv tran.
|
|
b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
|
|
c: Ridiculous.
|
|
%
|
|
Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
|
|
It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
|
|
%
|
|
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
|
|
a sickness you like.
|
|
-- Jackie Mason
|
|
%
|
|
It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
|
|
%
|
|
It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer
|
|
%
|
|
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
|
|
-- Phil White
|
|
%
|
|
It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
|
|
-- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
|
|
%
|
|
It's not easy being green.
|
|
-- Kermit
|
|
%
|
|
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
|
|
-- Alexander Korda
|
|
%
|
|
It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
|
|
-- J.K. Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
|
|
%
|
|
It's not that I'm afraid to die.
|
|
I just don't want to be there when it happens.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
|
|
%
|
|
It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game.
|
|
%
|
|
It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
|
|
-- Grantland Rice
|
|
%
|
|
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
|
|
%
|
|
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
|
|
%
|
|
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
|
|
the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
|
|
"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
|
|
-- Sydney J. Harris
|
|
%
|
|
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
|
|
what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
|
|
-- Roger Noe
|
|
%
|
|
It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
|
|
-- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
|
|
elected governor of California.
|
|
|
|
[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
|
|
for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
|
|
%
|
|
It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
|
|
as a warning to others.
|
|
%
|
|
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
|
|
poverty and wealth have both failed.
|
|
-- Kim Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
|
|
%
|
|
It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
|
|
society will take full responsibility for you.
|
|
%
|
|
It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
|
|
using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
|
|
only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
|
|
difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
|
|
results to humans.
|
|
|
|
[Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
|
|
have been all over it.
|
|
-- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
|
|
%
|
|
It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
|
|
just to see if it's real,
|
|
Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
|
|
But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
|
|
So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
|
|
Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
|
|
-- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
|
|
%
|
|
It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
|
|
Devil when he is the only explanation for it.
|
|
%
|
|
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
|
|
%
|
|
It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
|
|
%
|
|
It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
|
|
-- Tallulah Bankhead
|
|
%
|
|
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
|
|
the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
|
|
-- Franklin P. Jones
|
|
%
|
|
It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
|
|
boy gets another beer.
|
|
-- Cheers
|
|
%
|
|
"It's today!" said Piglet.
|
|
"My favorite day," said Pooh.
|
|
%
|
|
It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
|
|
madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
|
|
%
|
|
It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
|
|
venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
|
|
-- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
|
|
%
|
|
It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
|
|
know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
|
|
%
|
|
IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
|
|
equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
|
|
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
|
|
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
|
|
inevitably unsuccessful.
|
|
V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
|
|
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
|
|
them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
|
|
adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
|
|
the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
|
|
The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
|
|
auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
|
|
VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
|
|
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
|
|
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
|
|
altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
|
|
as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
|
|
character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
|
|
speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
|
|
-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
|
|
%
|
|
I've already told you more than I know.
|
|
%
|
|
I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
|
|
%
|
|
I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
|
|
when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
|
|
%
|
|
I've always made it a solemn practice to never
|
|
drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
|
|
-- R. Nesson
|
|
%
|
|
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
I've Been Moved!
|
|
%
|
|
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
|
|
-- Totie Fields
|
|
%
|
|
I've been on this lonely road so long,
|
|
Does anybody know where it goes,
|
|
I remember last time the signs pointed home,
|
|
A month ago.
|
|
-- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
|
|
%
|
|
I've been there.
|
|
%
|
|
I've built a better model than the one at Data General
|
|
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
|
|
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
|
|
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
|
|
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
|
|
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
|
|
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
|
|
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
|
|
|
|
I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
|
|
There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
|
|
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
|
|
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
|
|
|
|
-- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of
|
|
"Modern Major General")
|
|
%
|
|
I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
|
|
It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
|
|
-- Dennie van Tassel
|
|
%
|
|
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
|
|
%
|
|
I've got a very bad feeling about this.
|
|
-- Han Solo
|
|
%
|
|
I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
|
|
-- Henny Youngman
|
|
%
|
|
I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.
|
|
I'd like to watch him have another.
|
|
%
|
|
I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
|
|
-- Joel Halpern.
|
|
%
|
|
I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
|
|
be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
|
|
|
|
Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
|
|
%
|
|
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
|
|
-- George Gobel
|
|
%
|
|
I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
|
|
-- Calvin Coolidge
|
|
%
|
|
I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
|
|
-- Keith Richards
|
|
|
|
I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
|
|
bad taste.
|
|
-- Keith Richards
|
|
%
|
|
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
|
|
%
|
|
I've only got 12 cards.
|
|
%
|
|
I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
|
|
like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
|
|
indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
|
|
devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
|
|
I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
|
|
-- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
|
|
%
|
|
I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
|
|
me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
|
|
-- Tallulah Bankhead
|
|
%
|
|
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
|
|
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
|
|
legislature is in session.
|
|
%
|
|
jake hates
|
|
all the girls(the
|
|
shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
|
|
ones; the meek the girls(the
|
|
proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
|
|
all except the cold ones; the slim
|
|
ones plump tiny tall)
|
|
all except the
|
|
dull ones
|
|
gus loves all the
|
|
girls(the
|
|
warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
|
|
ones; the mad (the
|
|
moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
|
|
all except ones; the mean
|
|
the dead ones kind dirty clean)
|
|
all
|
|
except the green ones
|
|
-- e e cummings
|
|
%
|
|
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
|
|
West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
|
|
"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
|
|
%
|
|
Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
|
|
east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
|
|
Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
|
|
because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
|
|
by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
|
|
grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
|
|
television?" and "Good night".
|
|
-- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
|
|
Letters, 1967
|
|
%
|
|
Japan, n:
|
|
A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
|
|
create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
|
|
is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
|
|
paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
|
|
which they are harvested by the happy natives.
|
|
%
|
|
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
|
|
%
|
|
Jenkinson's Law:
|
|
It won't work.
|
|
%
|
|
Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
|
|
You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
|
|
%
|
|
Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
|
|
you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
|
|
%
|
|
Jim Nasium's Law:
|
|
In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
|
|
using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
|
|
each other so that everybody is cramped.
|
|
%
|
|
Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
|
|
I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
|
|
days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
|
|
%
|
|
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
|
|
Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
|
|
to you. You gonna pay it?
|
|
%
|
|
JOB INTERVIEW:
|
|
The excruciating process during which personnel officers
|
|
separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
|
|
%
|
|
job Placement, n:
|
|
Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
|
|
%
|
|
Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
|
|
-- Snoopy
|
|
%
|
|
Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
|
|
Her voice was little more than a whisper.
|
|
"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
|
|
before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
|
|
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
|
|
forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
|
|
your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
|
|
"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
|
|
whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
|
|
%
|
|
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
|
|
%
|
|
jogger, n:
|
|
An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
|
|
%
|
|
John Dame May Oscar
|
|
Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
|
|
But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
|
|
Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
|
|
-- Willard Espy
|
|
%
|
|
John Birch Society:
|
|
That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
|
|
-- Edward P. Morgan
|
|
%
|
|
JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
|
|
|
|
(George and Ringo miffed.)
|
|
%
|
|
John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
|
|
Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
|
|
Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
|
|
Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
|
|
The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
|
|
Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
|
|
And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
|
|
Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
|
|
-- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
|
|
%
|
|
Johnny Carson's Definition:
|
|
The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
|
|
in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
|
|
taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
|
|
%
|
|
Johnson's First Law:
|
|
When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
|
|
most inconvenient possible time.
|
|
%
|
|
Johnson's law:
|
|
Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
|
|
%
|
|
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
|
|
Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
|
|
%
|
|
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
|
|
exciting people, and kill them.
|
|
%
|
|
Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
|
|
meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
|
|
%
|
|
Jones' First Law:
|
|
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
|
|
endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
|
|
obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
|
|
importance of their original contribution.
|
|
%
|
|
Jones' Second Law:
|
|
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
|
|
to blame it on.
|
|
%
|
|
Joshu: What is the true Way?
|
|
Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
|
|
J: Can I study it?
|
|
N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
|
|
J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
|
|
N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
|
|
It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
|
|
not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
|
|
yourself as wide as the sky.
|
|
%
|
|
Journalism is literature in a hurry.
|
|
-- Matthew Arnold
|
|
%
|
|
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
|
|
%
|
|
Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
|
|
Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
|
|
Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
|
|
%
|
|
Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
|
|
reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
|
|
someone else's cash.
|
|
-- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
|
|
%
|
|
Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
|
|
Pick one.
|
|
|
|
1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
|
|
2: It's cheaper than going to France.
|
|
3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
|
|
4: Life is short.
|
|
5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
|
|
6: It matches my eyes.
|
|
7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
|
|
8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
|
|
9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
|
|
10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
|
|
11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
|
|
12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
|
|
%
|
|
Just a song before I go, Going through security
|
|
To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
|
|
Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
|
|
It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
|
|
When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
|
|
We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
|
|
And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
|
|
I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
|
|
She helped me with my suitcase,
|
|
She stands before my eyes,
|
|
Driving me to the airport
|
|
And to the friendly skies.
|
|
-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
|
|
%
|
|
Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
|
|
remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
|
|
women.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
|
|
seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
|
|
totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
|
|
there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
|
|
the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
|
|
not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
|
|
sense of respect for the whole truth.
|
|
-- Stephen R. Schwambach
|
|
%
|
|
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
|
|
-- Irene Peter
|
|
%
|
|
Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
|
|
%
|
|
Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
|
|
going to get hit.
|
|
-- Joey
|
|
%
|
|
Just because the message may never be
|
|
received does not mean it is not worth sending.
|
|
%
|
|
Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
|
|
are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
|
|
what I mean.
|
|
-- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
|
|
%
|
|
Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
|
|
-- Bob Dylan
|
|
%
|
|
Just because your doctor has a name for your
|
|
condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
|
|
%
|
|
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
|
|
%
|
|
Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
|
|
and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
|
|
-- Glynda
|
|
%
|
|
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
|
|
%
|
|
Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
|
|
who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
|
|
about his or her love affairs.
|
|
-- Rebecca West
|
|
%
|
|
Just machines to make big decisions,
|
|
Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
|
|
We'll be clean when their work is done,
|
|
We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
|
|
What a beautiful world this will be,
|
|
What a glorious time to be free.
|
|
-- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
|
|
%
|
|
Just once, I wish we would encounter
|
|
an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
|
|
-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
|
|
%
|
|
Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
|
|
-- Buckeroo Banzai
|
|
%
|
|
`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
|
|
As he landed his crew with care;
|
|
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
|
|
By a finger entwined in his hair.
|
|
|
|
`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
|
|
That alone should encourage the crew.
|
|
Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
|
|
What I tell you three times is true.'
|
|
%
|
|
Just to have it is enough.
|
|
%
|
|
Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
|
|
of all the others, and then do what's best.
|
|
-- Lovers and Other Strangers
|
|
%
|
|
Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
|
|
%
|
|
Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
|
|
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
|
|
I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
|
|
Just can't remember who to send it to...
|
|
|
|
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
|
|
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
|
|
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
|
|
But I always thought that I'd see you again.
|
|
Thought I'd see you one more time again.
|
|
-- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
|
|
%
|
|
JUSTICE:
|
|
A decision in your favor.
|
|
%
|
|
Justice is incidental to law and order.
|
|
-- J. Edgar Hoover
|
|
%
|
|
Justice, n:
|
|
A decision in your favor.
|
|
%
|
|
Kafka's Law:
|
|
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
|
|
-- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
|
|
%
|
|
Kamikazes do it once.
|
|
%
|
|
KANSAS:
|
|
Where the men are men and so are the women!
|
|
%
|
|
Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
|
|
|
|
For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
|
|
package of snack food.
|
|
|
|
Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
|
|
|
|
For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
|
|
of lunch meat.
|
|
%
|
|
Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
|
|
Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
|
|
at the conception.
|
|
-- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
|
|
%
|
|
Katz' Law:
|
|
Men and nations will act rationally when
|
|
all other possibilities have been exhausted.
|
|
|
|
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
|
|
exhausted all other alternatives.
|
|
-- Abba Eban
|
|
%
|
|
Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
|
|
Population density is inversely proportional
|
|
to the square of the distance from the keg.
|
|
%
|
|
Kaufman's Law:
|
|
A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
|
|
of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
|
|
%
|
|
Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
|
|
%
|
|
Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
|
|
With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
|
|
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
|
|
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
|
|
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
|
|
-- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
|
|
%
|
|
Keep cool, but don't freeze.
|
|
-- Hellman's Mayonnaise
|
|
%
|
|
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
|
|
%
|
|
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
|
|
%
|
|
Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
|
|
1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
|
|
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
|
|
force is technically termed "car suck").
|
|
2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
|
|
than "Watch this!"
|
|
3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
|
|
proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
|
|
Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
|
|
a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
|
|
4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
|
|
cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
|
|
Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
|
|
in the head and knock you silly.
|
|
%
|
|
Keep it short for pithy sake.
|
|
%
|
|
Keep on keepin' on.
|
|
%
|
|
Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
|
|
small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
|
|
-- Joe Bonanno
|
|
%
|
|
Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
|
|
-- D. Gries
|
|
%
|
|
Keep the phase, baby.
|
|
%
|
|
Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
|
|
%
|
|
Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
|
|
you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
|
|
at the end of six months.
|
|
-- Moore
|
|
%
|
|
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
|
|
%
|
|
Keep your Eye on the Ball,
|
|
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
|
|
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
|
|
Your Feet on the Ground,
|
|
Your Head on your Shoulders.
|
|
Now... try to get something DONE!
|
|
%
|
|
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
|
|
-- Benjamin Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
Keep your laws off my body!
|
|
%
|
|
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
|
|
Open it and you remove all doubt.
|
|
%
|
|
Kennedy's Market Theorem:
|
|
Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
|
|
you've got to go broke.
|
|
%
|
|
Kent's Heuristic:
|
|
Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
|
|
%
|
|
kern, v:
|
|
1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
|
|
of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
|
|
metal object used as part of the monetary system.
|
|
%
|
|
KERNEL:
|
|
A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
|
|
traditions of sorcery and black art.
|
|
%
|
|
Kettering's Observation:
|
|
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
|
|
%
|
|
Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
|
|
%
|
|
Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel
|
|
back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree,
|
|
you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting
|
|
around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like
|
|
dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch
|
|
and slam the leaves.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Kill a commy for your mommy.
|
|
%
|
|
Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
|
|
%
|
|
Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
|
|
-- Hindu saying
|
|
%
|
|
Kill Kill,
|
|
Hate Hate,
|
|
Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
|
|
%
|
|
Kill your parents.
|
|
-- Jerry Rubin
|
|
%
|
|
Killing turkeys causes winter.
|
|
%
|
|
Kilroe hic erat!
|
|
%
|
|
Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
|
|
Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
|
|
%
|
|
KIN:
|
|
An affliction of the blood.
|
|
%
|
|
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
|
|
-- Muad'dib
|
|
%
|
|
Kington's Law of Perforation:
|
|
If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
|
|
as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
|
|
part of the paper.
|
|
%
|
|
Kinkler's First Law:
|
|
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
|
|
|
|
Kinkler's Second Law:
|
|
All the easy problems have been solved.
|
|
%
|
|
Kirk to Enterprise...
|
|
%
|
|
Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
|
|
%
|
|
Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
|
|
%
|
|
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
|
|
%
|
|
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
|
|
%
|
|
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
|
|
%
|
|
Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
|
|
%
|
|
Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
|
|
%
|
|
Kissing don't last, cookery do.
|
|
-- George Meredith
|
|
%
|
|
Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
|
|
sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
|
|
-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
|
|
%
|
|
Kitchen activity is highlighted.
|
|
Butter up a friend.
|
|
%
|
|
Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
Klatu barada nikto.
|
|
%
|
|
Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
|
|
%
|
|
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
|
|
%
|
|
KLEPTOMANIAC:
|
|
A rich thief.
|
|
%
|
|
Kliban's First Law of Dining:
|
|
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
|
|
%
|
|
Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
|
|
100% Damage to life support!!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Kludge, n:
|
|
An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
|
|
distressing whole.
|
|
-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
|
|
%
|
|
Knebel's Law:
|
|
It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
|
|
causes of statistics.
|
|
%
|
|
Knights are hardly worth it.
|
|
I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
|
|
%
|
|
Knock, knock!
|
|
Who's there?
|
|
Sam and Janet.
|
|
Sam and Janet who?
|
|
Sam and Janet Evening...
|
|
%
|
|
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
|
|
[chorus]
|
|
Yeay!
|
|
Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
|
|
Stay on the Happy side of life!
|
|
Bum bum bum bum bum bum
|
|
You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
|
|
So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
|
|
|
|
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
|
|
An another eather bunny... [chorus]
|
|
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
|
|
Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
|
|
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
|
|
Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
|
|
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
|
|
Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
|
|
Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
|
|
Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
|
|
%
|
|
Knocked, you weren't in.
|
|
-- Opportunity
|
|
%
|
|
Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
|
|
|
|
-- No?
|
|
|
|
GOOD!
|
|
%
|
|
Know Thy User.
|
|
%
|
|
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
|
|
%
|
|
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
|
|
-- Henry N. Camp
|
|
%
|
|
KNOWLEDGE:
|
|
Things you believe.
|
|
%
|
|
Knowledge is power.
|
|
-- Francis Bacon
|
|
%
|
|
Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
|
|
-- Aleister Crowley
|
|
%
|
|
Knowledge without common sense is folly.
|
|
%
|
|
Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
|
|
Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
|
|
Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
|
|
Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
|
|
Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
|
|
%
|
|
Kramer's Law:
|
|
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
|
|
%
|
|
Kramer's Law:
|
|
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
|
|
%
|
|
KROGT:
|
|
(chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found
|
|
on fast-food game cards.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
LA:
|
|
Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
|
|
is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
|
|
From mud slides to brush fires.
|
|
%
|
|
Labor, n:
|
|
One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
|
|
%
|
|
Lack of money is the root of all evil.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Lackland's Laws:
|
|
1. Never be first.
|
|
2. Never be last.
|
|
3. Never volunteer for anything.
|
|
%
|
|
LACTOMANGULATION:
|
|
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that
|
|
one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
|
|
%
|
|
Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
|
|
Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants,
|
|
I come before you to stand behind you
|
|
To tell you of something I know nothing about.
|
|
Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
|
|
There will be a convention held in the
|
|
Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
|
|
Admission is free, pay at the door,
|
|
Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
|
|
It was a summer's day in winter,
|
|
And the snow was raining fast,
|
|
As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
|
|
Stood sitting in the grass.
|
|
Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
|
|
Two dead men got up to fight.
|
|
Three blind men to see fair play,
|
|
Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
|
|
Back to back, they faced each other,
|
|
Drew their swords and shot each other.
|
|
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
|
|
Came and arrested those two dead boys.
|
|
%
|
|
Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
|
|
boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
|
|
the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
|
|
under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
|
|
to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
|
|
her.
|
|
-- Billie Jean King
|
|
%
|
|
Lady, lady, should you meet
|
|
One whose ways are all discreet,
|
|
One who murmurs that his wife
|
|
Is the lodestar of his life,
|
|
One who keeps assuring you
|
|
That he never was untrue,
|
|
Never loved another one...
|
|
Lady, lady, better run!
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
|
|
%
|
|
Lady Luck brings added income today.
|
|
Lady friend takes it away tonight.
|
|
%
|
|
Lady Nancy Astor:
|
|
"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
|
|
Winston Churchill:
|
|
"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
|
|
|
|
Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
|
|
disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
|
|
sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
|
|
|
|
During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
|
|
luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
|
|
helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
|
|
"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
|
|
white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
|
|
The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
|
|
her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
|
|
you would pin this on your white meat."
|
|
%
|
|
Ladybug, ladybug,
|
|
Look to your stern!
|
|
Your house is on fire,
|
|
Your children will burn!
|
|
So jump ye and sing, for
|
|
The very first time
|
|
The four lines above
|
|
Have been put into rhyme.
|
|
-- Walt Kelly
|
|
%
|
|
Laetrile is the pits.
|
|
%
|
|
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
|
|
each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
|
|
%
|
|
Lake Erie died for your sins.
|
|
%
|
|
((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
|
|
%
|
|
Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
|
|
duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
|
|
table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
|
|
manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
|
|
of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
|
|
candy, and said:
|
|
"Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
|
|
%
|
|
Language is a virus from another planet.
|
|
-- William Burroughs
|
|
%
|
|
Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
|
|
Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
|
|
Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
|
|
20,000 women.
|
|
-- Lank and Earl
|
|
%
|
|
Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
|
|
[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
|
|
honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
|
|
he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
|
|
%
|
|
Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
|
|
performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
|
|
-- Lord Kalvin
|
|
%
|
|
Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
|
|
By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
|
|
times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
|
|
twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
|
|
driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
|
|
Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
|
|
1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
|
|
reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
Larkinson's Law:
|
|
All laws are basically false.
|
|
%
|
|
LASER:
|
|
Failed death ray.
|
|
%
|
|
Last guys don't finish nice.
|
|
-- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
|
|
%
|
|
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
|
|
the pillow was gone.
|
|
-- Tommy Cooper
|
|
%
|
|
Last night I met upon the stair
|
|
A little man who wasn't there.
|
|
He wasn't there again today.
|
|
Gee how I wish he'd go away!
|
|
%
|
|
Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
|
|
The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
|
|
I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
|
|
%
|
|
Last week's pet, this week's special.
|
|
%
|
|
Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
|
|
every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
|
|
I don't remember what it was.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
Latin is a language,
|
|
As dead as can be.
|
|
First it killed the Romans,
|
|
And now it's killing me.
|
|
%
|
|
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
|
|
%
|
|
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
|
|
%
|
|
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
|
|
%
|
|
Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
|
|
%
|
|
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
|
|
%
|
|
Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
|
|
%
|
|
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
|
|
-- Victor Borge
|
|
%
|
|
Laura's Law:
|
|
No child throws up in the bathroom.
|
|
%
|
|
Lavish spending can be disastrous.
|
|
Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
|
|
%
|
|
Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
|
|
force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
|
|
-- Richard M. Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
Law of Communications:
|
|
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
|
|
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
|
|
area of misunderstanding.
|
|
%
|
|
Law of Continuity:
|
|
Experiments should be reproducible.
|
|
They should all fail the same way.
|
|
%
|
|
Law of Probable Dispersal:
|
|
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
|
|
%
|
|
Law of Procrastination:
|
|
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
|
|
the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
|
|
%
|
|
Law of Selective Gravity:
|
|
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
|
|
|
|
Jenning's Corollary:
|
|
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
|
|
down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
|
|
|
|
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
|
|
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
|
|
%
|
|
Law of the Jungle:
|
|
He who hesitates is lunch.
|
|
%
|
|
Law of the Yukon:
|
|
Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
|
|
%
|
|
Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
|
|
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
|
|
%
|
|
Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
|
|
%
|
|
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
|
|
%
|
|
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
|
|
-- Otto von Bismarck
|
|
%
|
|
Laws of Computer Programming:
|
|
1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
|
|
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
|
|
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
|
|
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
|
|
5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
|
|
6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
|
|
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
|
|
the programmer who must maintain it.
|
|
%
|
|
LAWSUIT:
|
|
A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Lawyer's Rule:
|
|
When the law is against you, argue the facts.
|
|
When the facts are against you, argue the law.
|
|
When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
|
|
%
|
|
Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
|
|
-- S.J. Perelman
|
|
%
|
|
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
|
|
-- Shakespeare
|
|
%
|
|
Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
|
|
The reason, you will see, no doubt,
|
|
Is to keep the lightning out.
|
|
But what these unobservant birds
|
|
Have failed to notice is that herds
|
|
Of bears may come with buns
|
|
And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
|
|
%
|
|
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
|
|
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
|
|
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
|
|
%
|
|
LAZY:
|
|
Marrying a pregnant woman.
|
|
%
|
|
Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
|
|
is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
|
|
smaller -- and there are many more of them.
|
|
-- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
|
|
%
|
|
Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
|
|
%
|
|
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
|
|
%
|
|
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
|
|
%
|
|
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
|
|
%
|
|
LEARNING CURVE:
|
|
An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
|
|
in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
|
|
quicker you can do it.
|
|
%
|
|
Learning without thought is labor lost;
|
|
thought without learning is perilous.
|
|
-- Confucius
|
|
%
|
|
Leave no stone unturned.
|
|
-- Euripides
|
|
%
|
|
Lee's Law:
|
|
Mother said there would be days like this,
|
|
but she never said that there'd be so many!
|
|
%
|
|
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
|
|
%
|
|
Leibowitz's Rule:
|
|
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
|
|
finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
|
|
%
|
|
Lemma: All horses are the same color.
|
|
Proof (by induction):
|
|
Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
|
|
horses in that set are the same color.
|
|
Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
|
|
horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
|
|
of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
|
|
took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
|
|
horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
|
|
are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
|
|
horses are the same color.
|
|
Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
|
|
Proof (by intimidation):
|
|
Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
|
|
is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
|
|
back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
|
|
horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
|
|
infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
|
|
However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
|
|
infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
|
|
color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
|
|
%
|
|
Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
|
|
%
|
|
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
|
|
%
|
|
Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
|
|
%
|
|
LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
|
|
Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
|
|
Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
|
|
your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
|
|
%
|
|
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
|
|
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
|
|
Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
|
|
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
|
|
%
|
|
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
|
|
Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
|
|
ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
|
|
a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
|
|
laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
|
|
%
|
|
Lesbian QOTD:
|
|
I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
|
|
%
|
|
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
|
|
%
|
|
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
|
|
-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
|
|
%
|
|
Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
|
|
number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
|
|
another number.
|
|
-- James Estes
|
|
%
|
|
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
|
|
Admit impediments. Love is not love
|
|
Which alters when it alteration finds,
|
|
Or bends with the remover to remove:
|
|
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
|
|
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
|
|
It is the star to every wandering bark,
|
|
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
|
|
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
|
|
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
|
|
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
|
|
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
|
|
If this be error and upon me proved,
|
|
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
|
|
%
|
|
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
|
|
%
|
|
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
|
|
%
|
|
Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
|
|
George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
|
|
wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
|
|
of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
|
|
praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
|
|
Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
|
|
in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
|
|
for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
|
|
around his neck.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Let no guilty man escape.
|
|
-- U.S. Grant
|
|
%
|
|
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
|
|
%
|
|
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
|
|
-- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
|
|
%
|
|
Let sleeping dogs lie.
|
|
-- Charles Dickens
|
|
%
|
|
Let the machine do the dirty work.
|
|
-- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
|
|
%
|
|
Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
|
|
-- James Thurber
|
|
%
|
|
Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
|
|
-- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
|
|
%
|
|
Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
|
|
they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
|
|
-- Capone
|
|
%
|
|
Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
|
|
-- Benjamin Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
Let us go then you and I
|
|
while the night is laid out against the sky
|
|
like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
|
|
|
|
"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
|
|
-- Ezra
|
|
%
|
|
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
|
|
The muttering retreats
|
|
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
|
|
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
|
|
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
|
|
Of insidious intent
|
|
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
|
|
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
|
|
-- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
|
|
%
|
|
Let us live!!!
|
|
Let us love!!!
|
|
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
|
|
|
|
You first.
|
|
%
|
|
Let us never negotiate out of fear,
|
|
but let us never fear to negotiate.
|
|
-- John F. Kennedy
|
|
%
|
|
Let us not look back in anger or forward
|
|
in fear, but around us in awareness.
|
|
-- James Thurber
|
|
%
|
|
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
|
|
%
|
|
Let us treat men and women well;
|
|
Treat them as if they were real;
|
|
Perhaps they are.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
Let your conscience be your guide.
|
|
-- Pope
|
|
%
|
|
L'etat c'est moi.
|
|
[The state, that's me.]
|
|
-- Louis XIV
|
|
%
|
|
Let's do it.
|
|
-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
|
|
%
|
|
Let's just be friends and make no special
|
|
effort to ever see each other again.
|
|
%
|
|
Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
|
|
relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
|
|
really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
|
|
For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
|
|
I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
|
|
Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
|
|
-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
|
|
%
|
|
Let's love each other slowly,
|
|
reaching for a plane,
|
|
of exquisite pleasure,
|
|
and delicate pain.
|
|
-- Adam Beslove
|
|
%
|
|
Let's not complicate our relationship
|
|
by trying to communicate with each other.
|
|
%
|
|
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
|
|
%
|
|
Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
|
|
-- Austen Briggs
|
|
%
|
|
Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
|
|
hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
|
|
Anguish. You would sue:
|
|
|
|
* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
|
|
section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
|
|
into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
|
|
in there".
|
|
|
|
* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
|
|
cretin like yourself.
|
|
|
|
* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
|
|
case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
|
|
a large cash settlement anyway.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
LEVERAGE:
|
|
Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
|
|
about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
|
|
%
|
|
Leveraging always beats prototyping.
|
|
%
|
|
Lewis's Law of Travel:
|
|
The first piece of luggage out of the
|
|
chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
|
|
%
|
|
L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
|
|
-- L. Pasteur
|
|
%
|
|
LIAR:
|
|
A lawyer with a roving commission.
|
|
%
|
|
Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
|
|
-- Oliver Herford
|
|
%
|
|
LIBERAL:
|
|
Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
|
|
%
|
|
Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
|
|
trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
|
|
-- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
|
|
%
|
|
Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
|
|
Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
|
|
for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
|
|
is watching you, so stop staring like that.
|
|
%
|
|
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
|
|
Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
|
|
to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
|
|
unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
|
|
of bed today.
|
|
%
|
|
LIE:
|
|
A very poor substitute for the truth,
|
|
but the only one discovered to date.
|
|
%
|
|
Lieberman's Law:
|
|
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
|
|
%
|
|
Lieberman's Law:
|
|
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.
|
|
%
|
|
Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
|
|
-- Ma Barker
|
|
%
|
|
LIFE:
|
|
A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
|
|
%
|
|
LIFE:
|
|
Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
|
|
%
|
|
LIFE:
|
|
That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
|
|
%
|
|
Life -- Love It or Leave It.
|
|
%
|
|
Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
|
|
-- Miss November, 1966
|
|
%
|
|
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
|
|
-- Paul Gauguin
|
|
%
|
|
Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
|
|
%
|
|
Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
|
|
It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
|
|
%
|
|
Life exists for no known purpose.
|
|
%
|
|
Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
|
|
being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
|
|
thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
|
|
system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
|
|
-- Valerie Solanas
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
|
|
environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
|
|
round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
|
|
out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
|
|
-- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
|
|
important than something else. If what already is, is more important
|
|
than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
|
|
isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
|
|
-- Werner Erhard
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a glorious cycle of song,
|
|
A medley of extemporania;
|
|
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
|
|
And I am Marie of Roumania.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
|
|
-- Helen Keller
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
|
|
change his bed.
|
|
-- Charles Baudelaire
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a series of rude awakenings.
|
|
-- R.V. Winkle
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
|
|
humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
|
|
-- Clarence Darrow
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is an exciting business, and most
|
|
exciting when it is lived for others.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is both difficult and time consuming.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
|
|
%
|
|
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
|
|
%
|
|
Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
|
|
-- C. Schultz
|
|
%
|
|
"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like a sewer.
|
|
What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like a tin of sardines.
|
|
We're, all of us, looking for the key.
|
|
-- Beyond the Fringe
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
|
|
you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like an onion: you peel it off
|
|
one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
|
|
-- Carl Sandburg
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
|
|
layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
|
|
-- James Huneker
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
|
|
going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
|
|
being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
|
|
the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is not for everyone.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is one long struggle in the dark.
|
|
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
|
|
%
|
|
Life is the childhood of our immortality.
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
Life is the living you do,
|
|
Death is the living you don't do.
|
|
-- Joseph Pintauro
|
|
%
|
|
Life is the urge to ecstasy.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is too short to be taken seriously.
|
|
-- O. Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
|
|
-- Storm Jameson
|
|
%
|
|
Life is wasted on the living.
|
|
-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
|
|
%
|
|
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
|
|
-- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
|
|
%
|
|
Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
|
|
-- Don Reed
|
|
%
|
|
Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
|
|
it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
|
|
%
|
|
Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
|
|
Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
|
|
-- Dag Hammarskjold
|
|
%
|
|
Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
|
|
certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
|
|
I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
|
|
afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
|
|
absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
|
|
embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
|
|
%
|
|
Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
|
|
-- Thomas J. Kopp
|
|
%
|
|
Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
|
|
-- Sanka Ad
|
|
%
|
|
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
|
|
-- Dave Olson
|
|
%
|
|
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
|
|
%
|
|
Lift every voice and sing
|
|
Till earth and heaven ring,
|
|
Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
|
|
Let our rejoicing rise
|
|
High as the listening skies,
|
|
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
|
|
|
|
Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
|
|
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
|
|
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
|
|
Let us march on till victory is won.
|
|
-- James Weldon Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
Lighten up, while you still can,
|
|
Don't even try to understand,
|
|
Just find a place to make your stand,
|
|
And take it easy.
|
|
-- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
|
|
%
|
|
LIGHTHOUSE:
|
|
A tall building on the seashore in which the government
|
|
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
|
|
%
|
|
LIKE:
|
|
When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
|
|
%
|
|
Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
|
|
the difference between one young woman and another.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
|
|
%
|
|
Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
|
|
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
|
|
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
|
|
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
|
|
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
|
|
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
|
|
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
|
|
-- Rachel Sheeley, winner
|
|
|
|
The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
|
|
see her little dog Pritzi again.
|
|
-- Claudia Fields, runner-up
|
|
|
|
It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
|
|
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
|
|
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
|
|
-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
|
|
|
|
Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
|
|
named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
|
|
night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
|
|
worst possible novel.
|
|
%
|
|
Like corn in a field I cut you down,
|
|
I threw the last punch way too hard,
|
|
After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
|
|
To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
|
|
And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
|
|
I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
|
|
And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
|
|
And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
|
|
I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
|
|
And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
|
|
I'm as low as a paid assassin is
|
|
You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
|
|
I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
|
|
You know I can't think straight no more
|
|
You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
|
|
a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
|
|
-- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
|
|
%
|
|
Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
|
|
weren't so damned great!
|
|
-- Armistead Maupin
|
|
%
|
|
Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
|
|
if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
|
|
now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
|
|
like the Rolling Stones?
|
|
-- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
|
|
attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
|
|
%
|
|
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
|
|
It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
|
|
over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
|
|
His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
|
|
other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
|
|
religions.
|
|
-- Benjamin Spock
|
|
%
|
|
Like punning, programming is a play on words.
|
|
%
|
|
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
|
|
a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
|
|
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
|
|
for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
|
|
-- Alan McKay
|
|
%
|
|
Like the time I ran away...
|
|
And turned around and you were standing close to me.
|
|
-- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
|
|
%
|
|
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
|
|
%
|
|
Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
|
|
creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
|
|
essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
|
|
the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
|
|
rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
|
|
-- Senior Year Quote
|
|
%
|
|
Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
|
|
place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
|
|
|
|
Q -- Is there life after death?
|
|
A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
|
|
Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
|
|
then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
|
|
fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
|
|
spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
|
|
headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
|
|
to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
|
|
guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
|
|
as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
|
|
wins few friends, Germans excepted.
|
|
-- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
|
|
%
|
|
Limericks are art forms complex,
|
|
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
|
|
They usually have virgins,
|
|
And masculine urgin's,
|
|
And other erotic effects.
|
|
%
|
|
"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
|
|
Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
|
|
|
|
Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
|
|
in it he found that the damned things diverged.
|
|
-- Piet Hein
|
|
%
|
|
Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
|
|
I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
|
|
Snoopy: That's nice to know.
|
|
The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
|
|
%
|
|
Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
|
|
Maybe we should think only about today.
|
|
Charlie Brown:
|
|
No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
|
|
will get better.
|
|
%
|
|
Linus' Law:
|
|
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
|
|
%
|
|
Lions in the street and roaming,
|
|
Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
|
|
A beast caged in the heart of the city.
|
|
The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
|
|
He fled the town.
|
|
Went down south across the border,
|
|
Left the chaos and disorder
|
|
Back there, over his shoulder.
|
|
One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
|
|
A strange creature groaning beside him.
|
|
Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
|
|
Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
|
|
-- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
|
|
%
|
|
LISP:
|
|
To call a spade a thpade.
|
|
%
|
|
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
|
|
Lisp Machine is Fun.
|
|
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
|
|
Fun for everyone.
|
|
%
|
|
Lisp Users:
|
|
Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
|
|
%
|
|
Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
|
|
the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
|
|
but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
|
|
right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
|
|
But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
|
|
bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
|
|
This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
|
|
their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
|
|
that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
|
|
just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
|
|
a panacea so alleged.
|
|
-- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
|
|
been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
|
|
the recession?"
|
|
%
|
|
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
|
|
Life is the other way around.
|
|
-- David Lodge
|
|
%
|
|
Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
|
|
is the other way round.
|
|
-- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
|
|
%
|
|
Littering is dumb.
|
|
-- Ronald Macdonald
|
|
%
|
|
Little Fly,
|
|
Thy summer's play If thought is life
|
|
My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
|
|
Has brush'd away. And the want
|
|
Of thought is death,
|
|
Am not I
|
|
A fly like thee? Then am I
|
|
Or art not thou A happy fly
|
|
A man like me? If I live
|
|
Or if I die.
|
|
|
|
For I dance
|
|
And drink & sing,
|
|
Till some blind hand
|
|
Shall brush my wing.
|
|
-- William Blake, "The Fly"
|
|
%
|
|
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
|
|
sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkein Ring...
|
|
%
|
|
Little Known Facts, #23:
|
|
Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
|
|
the BMW repair garage?
|
|
%
|
|
Little Mary on the ice,
|
|
Went out to have a frisk,
|
|
Now wasn't little Mary nice,
|
|
Her pretty *?
|
|
%
|
|
Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
|
|
-- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
|
|
%
|
|
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
|
|
-- James Dean
|
|
%
|
|
Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
|
|
%
|
|
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
|
|
%
|
|
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
|
|
published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
|
|
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
|
|
%
|
|
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
|
|
-- Josh Billings
|
|
%
|
|
Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
|
|
you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
|
|
-- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
|
|
%
|
|
Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
|
|
What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
|
|
%
|
|
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
|
|
What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
|
|
%
|
|
Living in New York City gives people real incentives
|
|
to want things that nobody else wants.
|
|
-- Andy Warhol
|
|
%
|
|
Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
|
|
like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
|
|
%
|
|
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
|
|
includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
|
|
%
|
|
LIVING YOUR LIFE:
|
|
A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
|
|
%
|
|
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
|
|
And plunged it deep into the VAX;
|
|
Don't you envy people who
|
|
Do all the things YOU want to do?
|
|
%
|
|
Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
|
|
-- Henry David Thoreau
|
|
%
|
|
Lobster:
|
|
Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
|
|
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
|
|
proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
|
|
guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked.
|
|
The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
|
|
floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster
|
|
behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
|
|
"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
|
|
scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
|
|
apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may
|
|
even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into
|
|
the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will
|
|
be, too.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Lobster:
|
|
Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
|
|
about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
|
|
method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
|
|
guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
|
|
cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
|
|
the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
|
|
lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
|
|
eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
|
|
flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
|
|
refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
|
|
squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
|
|
Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
|
|
you and your friends will be, too.
|
|
-- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils
|
|
into Excuses and Apologies
|
|
%
|
|
Lockwood's Long Shot:
|
|
The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
|
|
aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
|
|
%
|
|
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
|
|
-- Marvin Minsky
|
|
%
|
|
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
|
|
%
|
|
Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
|
|
%
|
|
Logic is a systematic method of coming
|
|
to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
|
|
%
|
|
Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
|
|
%
|
|
Logicians have but ill defined
|
|
As rational the human kind.
|
|
Logic, they say, belongs to man,
|
|
But let them prove it if they can.
|
|
-- Oliver Goldsmith
|
|
%
|
|
LOGO for the Dead
|
|
|
|
LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
|
|
"The Other Side."
|
|
|
|
The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
|
|
turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
|
|
graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
|
|
side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
|
|
your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
|
|
interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
|
|
lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
|
|
Bulletin Board System).
|
|
|
|
LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
|
|
from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
|
|
-- '80 Microcomputing
|
|
%
|
|
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
|
|
%
|
|
Lonely is a man without love.
|
|
-- Englebert Humperdinck
|
|
%
|
|
Lonely men seek companionship.
|
|
Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
|
|
%
|
|
Lonesome?
|
|
|
|
Like a change?
|
|
Like a new job?
|
|
Like excitement?
|
|
Like to meet new and interesting people?
|
|
|
|
JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
|
|
be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
|
|
The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
|
|
%
|
|
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
|
|
%
|
|
Long life is in store for you.
|
|
%
|
|
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
|
|
long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
|
|
pain and his aloneness without regret?
|
|
-- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
|
|
%
|
|
Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
|
|
%
|
|
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
|
|
%
|
|
Look at it this way:
|
|
Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
|
|
home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
|
|
And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
|
|
%
|
|
Look at it this way:
|
|
Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
|
|
forget $26,000 of college education.
|
|
And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
|
|
%
|
|
Look before you leap.
|
|
-- Samuel Butler
|
|
%
|
|
Look ere ye leap.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
Look out! Behind you!
|
|
%
|
|
Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
|
|
con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
|
|
country was built.
|
|
-- Hubert Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
|
|
-- Stephen Sondheim
|
|
%
|
|
Loose bits sink chips.
|
|
%
|
|
Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
|
|
-- Charles D'Hericault
|
|
%
|
|
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
|
|
%
|
|
Losing your drivers' license is just
|
|
God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
|
|
%
|
|
Lost: gray and white female cat.
|
|
Answers to electric can opener.
|
|
%
|
|
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
|
|
%
|
|
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
|
|
-- Frank Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
Lots of girls can be had for a song.
|
|
Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
|
|
%
|
|
Louie Louie, me gotta go
|
|
Louie Louie, me gotta go
|
|
|
|
Fine little girl she waits for me
|
|
Me catch the ship for cross the sea
|
|
Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
|
|
Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
|
|
(chorus) On the ship I dream she there
|
|
I smell the rose in her hair
|
|
Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
|
|
It won't be long, me see my love
|
|
I take her in my arms and then
|
|
Me tell her I never leave again
|
|
-- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
|
|
%
|
|
Louie, Louie, me gotta go
|
|
Louie, Louie, me gotta go
|
|
|
|
Fine little girl she waits for me
|
|
Me catch the ship for cross the sea
|
|
Me sail the ship all alone
|
|
Me never thinks me make it home
|
|
[chorus]
|
|
|
|
Three nights and days me sail the sea
|
|
Me think of girl constantly
|
|
On the ship I dream she there
|
|
I smell the rose in her hair
|
|
[chorus; guitar solo]
|
|
|
|
Me see Jamaica moon above
|
|
It won't be long, me see my love
|
|
I take her in my arms and then
|
|
Me tell her I never leave again
|
|
-- the real words to "Louie Louie"
|
|
%
|
|
LOVE:
|
|
I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
|
|
%
|
|
LOVE:
|
|
Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
|
|
%
|
|
LOVE:
|
|
When, if asked to choose between your lover
|
|
and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
|
|
%
|
|
LOVE:
|
|
When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
|
|
%
|
|
LOVE:
|
|
When you don't want someone too close--
|
|
because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
|
|
%
|
|
LOVE:
|
|
When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
|
|
%
|
|
Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
|
|
%
|
|
Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
|
|
%
|
|
Love America - or give it back.
|
|
%
|
|
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
|
|
%
|
|
Love at first sight is one of the greatest
|
|
labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
|
|
%
|
|
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
|
|
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
|
|
%
|
|
Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
|
|
Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
|
|
-- Oscar Hammerstein II
|
|
%
|
|
Love is a grave mental disease.
|
|
-- Plato
|
|
%
|
|
Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
|
|
-- Matt Groening
|
|
%
|
|
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
|
|
over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
|
|
-- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
|
|
%
|
|
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
|
|
Hate is a word that is not.
|
|
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
|
|
Love, I have read, is hot.
|
|
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
|
|
And Love but a drug on the mart.
|
|
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
|
|
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
|
|
go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
|
|
arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the
|
|
real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
|
|
-- Dr. Karl Bowman
|
|
%
|
|
Love is being stupid together.
|
|
-- Paul Valery
|
|
%
|
|
Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
|
|
around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
|
|
Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
|
|
%
|
|
Love is in the offing.
|
|
-- The Homicidal Maniac
|
|
%
|
|
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
|
|
%
|
|
Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
|
|
pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
|
|
grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
|
|
and unquenchable.
|
|
-- Bruce Lee
|
|
%
|
|
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
|
|
-- Jerome K. Jerome
|
|
%
|
|
Love is never asking why?
|
|
%
|
|
Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
|
|
%
|
|
Love is sentimental measles.
|
|
%
|
|
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
|
|
%
|
|
Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
|
|
raises some pretty good questions.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
|
|
pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
|
|
-- Charles Baudelaire
|
|
%
|
|
Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
|
|
-- M. Hirschfield
|
|
%
|
|
Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
|
|
-- Saint Exupery
|
|
%
|
|
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
|
|
%
|
|
Love is what you've been through with somebody.
|
|
-- James Thurber
|
|
%
|
|
Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
|
|
%
|
|
Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
|
|
-- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
|
|
%
|
|
Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
|
|
momentum.
|
|
%
|
|
Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
|
|
-- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
|
|
%
|
|
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
|
|
%
|
|
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
|
|
-- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
|
|
|
|
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
|
|
-- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
|
|
%
|
|
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
|
|
%
|
|
Love tells us many things that are not so.
|
|
-- Krainian Proverb
|
|
%
|
|
Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
|
|
%
|
|
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
|
|
-- Louise Beal
|
|
%
|
|
Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
|
|
%
|
|
Love to eat them mousies,
|
|
Mousies I love to eat.
|
|
Bite they little heads off,
|
|
Nibble at they tiny feet.
|
|
-- Kliban
|
|
%
|
|
Love to eat them mousies,
|
|
Mousies what I love to eat.
|
|
Bite they little heads off,
|
|
Nibble on they tiny feet.
|
|
-- Kliban
|
|
%
|
|
Love to eat them mousies;
|
|
Mousies what I love to eat.
|
|
Bite they tiny heads off,
|
|
Nibble on they tiny feet!
|
|
-- Kilban
|
|
%
|
|
Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
|
|
seized this one for the fair form
|
|
that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
|
|
Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
|
|
seized me so strongly with delight in him,
|
|
that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
|
|
Love brought us to one death.
|
|
-- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
|
|
%
|
|
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
|
|
trying to figure out what you're up to.
|
|
%
|
|
Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
|
|
-- Benjamin Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
Lowery's Law:
|
|
If it jams -- force it. If it
|
|
breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
|
|
%
|
|
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
|
|
%
|
|
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
|
|
There's always one more bug.
|
|
%
|
|
Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
|
|
British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
|
|
Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
|
|
nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
|
|
don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
|
|
beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
|
|
%
|
|
Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
|
|
-- Russell Banks
|
|
%
|
|
Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
|
|
-- P.E. Trudeau
|
|
%
|
|
Lucky, adj:
|
|
When you have a wife and a cigarette
|
|
lighter -- both of which work.
|
|
%
|
|
Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
|
|
%
|
|
Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
|
|
Can't you be serious for once?
|
|
Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
|
|
of the more important things in life!
|
|
(pause)
|
|
Tomorrow!!
|
|
%
|
|
Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
|
|
-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
|
|
%
|
|
LUNATIC ASYLUM:
|
|
The place where optimism most flourishes.
|
|
%
|
|
Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
|
|
-- Bergan Evans
|
|
%
|
|
Lysistrata had a good idea.
|
|
%
|
|
Ma Bell is a mean mother!
|
|
%
|
|
MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
|
|
%
|
|
"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
|
|
"What about X?"
|
|
"I said `intellectual'."
|
|
;login, 9/1990
|
|
%
|
|
Machine-independent program:
|
|
A program that will not run on any machine.
|
|
%
|
|
Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
|
|
-- Andy Warhol
|
|
%
|
|
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
|
|
repairman arrives.
|
|
%
|
|
macho, adj.:
|
|
Jogging home from your vasectomy.
|
|
%
|
|
Macho does not prove mucho.
|
|
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
|
|
%
|
|
MAD:
|
|
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
|
|
%
|
|
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
|
|
if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
Madison's Inquiry:
|
|
If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
|
|
%
|
|
Madness takes its toll.
|
|
%
|
|
Magary's Principle:
|
|
When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
|
|
government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
|
|
the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
|
|
%
|
|
Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
|
|
%
|
|
Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.
|
|
|
|
Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
|
|
|
|
The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one
|
|
thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a
|
|
great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
|
|
%
|
|
MAGNOCARTIC:
|
|
Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
magnocartic, adj:
|
|
Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
|
|
carts.
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
MAGPIE:
|
|
A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
|
|
to someone that it might be taught to talk.
|
|
-- A. Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
MAIDEN AUNT:
|
|
A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
|
|
%
|
|
Maiden, n:
|
|
A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
|
|
views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
|
|
distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
|
|
The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
|
|
piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
|
|
comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
|
|
the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
|
|
canary -- which, also, is more portable.
|
|
|
|
Male, n:
|
|
A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
|
|
human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
|
|
has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Maier's Law:
|
|
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
|
|
-- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
|
|
|
|
Corollaries:
|
|
1. The bigger the theory, the better.
|
|
2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
|
|
50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
|
|
obtain a correspondence with the theory.
|
|
%
|
|
Main's Law:
|
|
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
|
|
%
|
|
Maintainer's Motto:
|
|
If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
|
|
%
|
|
Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
|
|
Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
|
|
Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
|
|
%
|
|
Major premise:
|
|
Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
|
|
Minor premise:
|
|
A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
|
|
Conclusion:
|
|
Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
|
|
|
|
Secondary Conclusion:
|
|
Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
|
|
would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
|
|
%
|
|
Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
|
|
-- Robert Moses
|
|
%
|
|
MAJORITY:
|
|
That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
|
|
%
|
|
Make a wish, it might come true.
|
|
%
|
|
Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
|
|
%
|
|
Make it right before you make it faster.
|
|
%
|
|
Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
|
|
-- Daniel Hudson Burnham
|
|
%
|
|
Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
|
|
%
|
|
Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
|
|
%
|
|
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
|
|
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
|
|
been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
|
|
message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
|
|
-- System V.2 administrator's guide
|
|
%
|
|
Malek's Law:
|
|
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
|
|
%
|
|
MALPRACTICE:
|
|
The reason surgeons wear masks.
|
|
%
|
|
MAN:
|
|
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
|
|
is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
|
|
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
|
|
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
|
|
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
|
|
-- A. Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Man and wife make one fool.
|
|
%
|
|
Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
|
|
-- Wernher von Braun
|
|
%
|
|
Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
|
|
he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
|
|
all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
|
|
time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
|
|
far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
|
|
-- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
|
|
%
|
|
Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
|
|
-- Fred Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
|
|
%
|
|
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
Man is a military animal,
|
|
Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
|
|
-- P.J. Bailey
|
|
%
|
|
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he
|
|
is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
|
|
no dog exchanges bones with another.
|
|
-- Adam Smith
|
|
%
|
|
Man is by nature a political animal.
|
|
-- Aristotle
|
|
%
|
|
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
|
|
and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
|
|
-- Wernher von Braun
|
|
%
|
|
Man is the measure of all things.
|
|
-- Protagoras
|
|
%
|
|
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
|
|
with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
|
|
-- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
|
|
%
|
|
Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
|
|
for he is the only animal that is struck with the
|
|
difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
|
|
-- William Hazlitt
|
|
%
|
|
Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
|
|
-- Arthur R. Miller
|
|
%
|
|
Man proposes, God disposes.
|
|
-- Thomas a Kempis
|
|
%
|
|
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
|
|
unless it is an enemy.
|
|
-- A. Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
Man who arrives at party two hours late
|
|
will find he has been beaten to the punch.
|
|
%
|
|
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
|
|
%
|
|
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
|
|
%
|
|
Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
|
|
%
|
|
Man will never fly.
|
|
Space travel is merely a dream.
|
|
All aspirin is alike.
|
|
%
|
|
Management: How many feet do mice have?
|
|
Reply: Mice have four feet.
|
|
M: Elaborate!
|
|
R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
|
|
M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
|
|
R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
|
|
M: What? Feet with no legs?
|
|
R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
|
|
M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
|
|
R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
|
|
M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
|
|
R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
|
|
is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
|
|
is not equipped with a foot.
|
|
M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
|
|
R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
|
|
one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
|
|
constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
|
|
M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
|
|
R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
|
|
integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
|
|
attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
|
|
ornamental in nature.
|
|
M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
|
|
R: Mice have four feet.
|
|
%
|
|
MANAGEMENT:
|
|
The art of getting other people to do all the work.
|
|
%
|
|
MANAGER:
|
|
A man known for giving great meeting.
|
|
%
|
|
man-hour, n:
|
|
A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
|
|
%
|
|
MANIC-DEPRESSIVE:
|
|
Easy glum, easy glow.
|
|
%
|
|
Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
|
|
-- Plotinus
|
|
%
|
|
Manly's Maxim:
|
|
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
|
|
with confidence.
|
|
%
|
|
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
|
|
%
|
|
Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
|
|
%
|
|
Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
|
|
conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
|
|
-- Sydney J. Harris
|
|
%
|
|
manual, n:
|
|
A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
|
|
item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
|
|
you need in in the others.
|
|
-- Ray Simard
|
|
%
|
|
Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
|
|
-- George M. Cohan
|
|
%
|
|
Many a family tree needs trimming.
|
|
%
|
|
Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
|
|
is not so. It is so. It is not so.
|
|
-- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
|
|
%
|
|
Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
|
|
get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
|
|
-- Finley Peter Dunne
|
|
%
|
|
Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
|
|
can easily support two or more.
|
|
%
|
|
Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound
|
|
except when he can't understand his own meaning.
|
|
-- George D. Prentice
|
|
%
|
|
Many are called, few are chosen.
|
|
Fewer still get to do the choosing.
|
|
%
|
|
Many are called, few volunteer.
|
|
%
|
|
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
|
|
%
|
|
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
|
|
%
|
|
Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
|
|
certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
|
|
devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
|
|
their data processing systems.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
|
|
%
|
|
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
|
|
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
|
|
weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
|
|
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
|
|
he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
|
|
-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
|
|
%
|
|
Many hands make light work.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
|
|
%
|
|
Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
|
|
the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
|
|
fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
|
|
Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
|
|
read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
|
|
by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
|
|
are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
|
|
successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
|
|
should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
|
|
while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
|
|
-- Francis Galton, 1909
|
|
%
|
|
Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
|
|
tricks on me and treating me badly.
|
|
-- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
|
|
%
|
|
Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
|
|
life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
|
|
-- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
|
|
%
|
|
Many pages make a thick book.
|
|
%
|
|
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
|
|
very thin paper.
|
|
%
|
|
Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
|
|
which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
|
|
%
|
|
Many people are secretly interested in life.
|
|
%
|
|
Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
|
|
%
|
|
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
|
|
%
|
|
Many people feel that if you won't let
|
|
them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
|
|
%
|
|
Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
|
|
recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
|
|
%
|
|
Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
|
|
%
|
|
Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
|
|
%
|
|
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
|
|
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
|
|
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
|
|
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
|
|
-- Walt Kelly
|
|
%
|
|
Margaret, are you grieving
|
|
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
|
|
Leaves, like the things of man,
|
|
You, with your fresh thoughts
|
|
Care for, can you?
|
|
Ah! as the heart grows older
|
|
It will come to such sights colder
|
|
By and by, nor spare a sigh
|
|
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
|
|
And yet you will weep and know why.
|
|
Now no matter, child, the name
|
|
Sorrow's springs are the same:
|
|
It is the blight man was born for,
|
|
It is Margaret you mourn for.
|
|
-- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
|
|
%
|
|
Marigold: Jealousy
|
|
Mint: Virute
|
|
Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
|
|
Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
|
|
Pansy: Thoughts
|
|
Peach blossom: I am your captive
|
|
Petunia: Your presence soothes me
|
|
Poppy: Sleep
|
|
Rose, any color: Love
|
|
Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
|
|
Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
|
|
Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
|
|
Rose, white: I am worthy of you
|
|
Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
|
|
Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
|
|
Rosemary: Rememberance
|
|
Sunflower: Haughtiness
|
|
Tulip, red: Declaration of love
|
|
Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
|
|
Violet, blue: Faithfulness
|
|
Violet, white: Modesty
|
|
Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
|
|
* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
|
|
%
|
|
Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
|
|
%
|
|
Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
|
|
who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
|
|
it in order to protect themselves.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
|
|
Dentists are incapable of asking questions
|
|
that require a simple yes or no answer.
|
|
%
|
|
MARRIAGE:
|
|
An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
|
|
in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
|
|
that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
|
|
%
|
|
MARRIAGE:
|
|
Convertible bonds.
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
|
|
insincerity possible between two human beings.
|
|
-- Vicki Baum
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage causes dating problems.
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
|
|
-- Edmond About
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
|
|
not ready for an institution yet.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
|
|
surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
|
|
-- James Garner
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is a three ring circus:
|
|
engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
|
|
-- Roger Price
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
|
|
to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
|
|
exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
|
|
in the brewery.
|
|
-- George Jean Nathan
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
|
|
chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
|
|
-- Baskins
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
|
|
burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
|
|
-- Calvin Trillin
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
|
|
-- Voltaire
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is the process of finding out what
|
|
kind of man your wife would have preferred.
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
|
|
%
|
|
Marriage, n:
|
|
The evil aye.
|
|
%
|
|
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
|
|
-- John Lyly
|
|
%
|
|
Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
|
|
%
|
|
MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
|
|
connected by a thin strand.
|
|
|
|
Come on, Marta, grow up.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
|
|
of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
|
|
territory from invasion by another group."
|
|
|
|
"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
|
|
Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
|
|
-- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
|
|
%
|
|
'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
|
|
What a finely tuned response to the situation!
|
|
%
|
|
Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
|
|
and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
|
|
Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
|
|
grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
|
|
"Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
|
|
named a drink Fred?"
|
|
%
|
|
Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
|
|
Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
|
|
%
|
|
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
|
|
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
|
|
It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
|
|
It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
|
|
She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
|
|
And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
|
|
It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
|
|
The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
|
|
The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
|
|
Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
|
|
Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
|
|
So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
|
|
-- Alma Garcia
|
|
%
|
|
Maryann's Law:
|
|
You can always find what you're not looking for.
|
|
%
|
|
Maslow's Maxim:
|
|
If the only tool you have is a hammer,
|
|
you treat everything like a nail.
|
|
%
|
|
Mason's First Law of Synergism:
|
|
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
|
|
%
|
|
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
|
|
%
|
|
Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
|
|
-- Christopher Hampton
|
|
%
|
|
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
Mater artium necessitas.
|
|
[Necessity is the mother of invention].
|
|
%
|
|
Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
|
|
-- Malcolm Smith
|
|
%
|
|
MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
|
|
Please, don't drink and derive.
|
|
|
|
Mathematicians
|
|
Against
|
|
Drunk
|
|
Deriving
|
|
%
|
|
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
|
|
-- R. Drabek
|
|
%
|
|
mathematician, n:
|
|
Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
|
|
%
|
|
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
|
|
translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
|
|
entirely different.
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
|
|
into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
|
|
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
|
|
-- Henry Adams
|
|
%
|
|
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
|
|
%
|
|
Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
|
|
to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
|
|
one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
|
|
-- Russell
|
|
%
|
|
Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
|
|
a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
|
|
part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
|
|
yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
|
|
greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
|
|
of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
|
|
to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
|
|
-- Bertrand Russell
|
|
%
|
|
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
|
|
%
|
|
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
|
|
%
|
|
Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
|
|
nor can it be returned without a receipt.
|
|
%
|
|
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
|
|
%
|
|
[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
|
|
where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
|
|
more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
|
|
-- S. Kierkegaard
|
|
%
|
|
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
|
|
-- Jules Feiffer
|
|
%
|
|
Matz's Law:
|
|
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
|
|
%
|
|
May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
|
|
versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
|
|
%
|
|
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
|
|
%
|
|
May all your PUSHes be POPped.
|
|
%
|
|
May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
|
|
%
|
|
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
|
|
%
|
|
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
|
|
%
|
|
May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
|
|
God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
|
|
he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
|
|
%
|
|
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
|
|
%
|
|
May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
|
|
%
|
|
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
|
|
%
|
|
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
|
|
a full moon on a dark night,
|
|
and a smooth road all the way to your door.
|
|
%
|
|
May you live in uninteresting times.
|
|
-- Chinese proverb
|
|
%
|
|
May your camel be as swift as the wind.
|
|
%
|
|
May your SO always know when you need a hug.
|
|
%
|
|
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
|
|
Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
|
|
%
|
|
Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
|
|
lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
|
|
-- R.S. Barton
|
|
%
|
|
Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
|
|
earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
|
|
%
|
|
"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
|
|
other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
|
|
had to seek professional help."
|
|
%
|
|
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
|
|
these days you can certainly charge it.
|
|
%
|
|
May's Law:
|
|
The quality of correlation is inveresly proportional to the density
|
|
of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
|
|
%
|
|
McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
|
|
%
|
|
McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
|
|
When traveling with a herd of elephants,
|
|
don't be the first to lie down and rest.
|
|
%
|
|
Meader's Law:
|
|
Whatever happens to you, it will previously
|
|
have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
|
|
%
|
|
Meade's Maxim:
|
|
Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
|
|
just like everyone else.
|
|
%
|
|
Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
|
|
Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
|
|
[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
|
|
AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
|
|
[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
|
|
Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
|
|
Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
|
|
Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
|
|
Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
|
|
Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
|
|
Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
|
|
Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
|
|
"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
|
|
Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
|
|
Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
|
|
Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
|
|
Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
|
|
Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
|
|
%
|
|
Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
|
|
has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
|
|
moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
|
|
magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
|
|
have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
|
|
get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
|
|
of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
|
|
oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
|
|
hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
|
|
venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
|
|
bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
|
|
aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
|
|
arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
|
|
of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
|
|
to mouth...
|
|
%
|
|
Measure twice, cut once.
|
|
%
|
|
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
|
|
%
|
|
Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
|
|
-- Frederick Crane
|
|
%
|
|
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
|
|
%
|
|
Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
|
|
%
|
|
Meeting:
|
|
An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what
|
|
person or department not represented in the room must solve the
|
|
problem.
|
|
%
|
|
meeting, n:
|
|
An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
|
|
department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
|
|
%
|
|
MEETINGS:
|
|
A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
|
|
%
|
|
Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
|
|
corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
|
|
in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
MEMO:
|
|
An interoffice communication too often written more for
|
|
the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
|
|
who receives it.
|
|
%
|
|
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
|
|
remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
|
|
drive and drive.
|
|
|
|
I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
|
|
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
|
|
played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
|
|
some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
|
|
|
|
I guess some things never leave you.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
Memory fault -- brain fried
|
|
%
|
|
Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
|
|
%
|
|
Memory fault - where am I?
|
|
%
|
|
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
|
|
%
|
|
Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
|
|
-- Marilyn Monroe
|
|
%
|
|
Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
|
|
hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should
|
|
never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they
|
|
will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average
|
|
man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned,
|
|
through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
|
|
ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
|
|
tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe
|
|
ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him
|
|
a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
|
|
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
|
|
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
|
|
of tires.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
|
|
%
|
|
Men are superior to women.
|
|
-- The Koran
|
|
%
|
|
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
|
|
-- Jayne Mansfield
|
|
%
|
|
Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
|
|
They're attracted by what I don't mind...
|
|
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
|
|
%
|
|
Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
|
|
-- Julius Caesar
|
|
%
|
|
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
|
|
thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
|
|
rights as women have of their wrongs.
|
|
-- E.W. Howe
|
|
%
|
|
Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
|
|
%
|
|
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
|
|
%
|
|
Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
|
|
pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
|
|
-- Leonardo da Vinci
|
|
%
|
|
Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
|
|
%
|
|
Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
|
|
at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
|
|
%
|
|
Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
|
|
pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
|
|
and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
|
|
inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
|
|
sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
|
|
and acts that are contrary to habit...
|
|
-- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
|
|
%
|
|
Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
|
|
-- DeSegur
|
|
%
|
|
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
|
|
%
|
|
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
|
|
%
|
|
Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
|
|
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
|
|
%
|
|
Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
|
|
and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
|
|
-- Voltaire
|
|
%
|
|
Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
|
|
from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
|
|
Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
|
|
before. Thus was the Empire forged.
|
|
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
|
|
%
|
|
Men who cherish for women the highest
|
|
respect are seldom popular with them.
|
|
-- Joseph Addison
|
|
%
|
|
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
|
|
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
|
|
|
|
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
|
|
The quality of a champagne is judged by the
|
|
amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
|
|
|
|
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
|
|
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
|
|
|
|
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
|
|
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
|
|
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
|
|
can ever hope to acquire it.
|
|
%
|
|
Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
|
|
%
|
|
Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
|
|
corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
|
|
favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
|
|
-- Piers Anthony
|
|
%
|
|
Mental things which have not gone in through the
|
|
senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
|
|
-- Leonardo
|
|
%
|
|
MENU:
|
|
A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
|
|
%
|
|
Meskimen's Law:
|
|
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
|
|
do it over.
|
|
%
|
|
Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
|
|
%
|
|
Message will arrive in the mail.
|
|
Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
|
|
%
|
|
METEOROLOGIST:
|
|
One who doubts the established fact that it is
|
|
bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
|
|
%
|
|
Metermaids eat their young.
|
|
%
|
|
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
|
|
%
|
|
MICRO:
|
|
Thinker toys.
|
|
%
|
|
Micro Credo:
|
|
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
|
|
%
|
|
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
|
|
%
|
|
Microwaves frizz your heir.
|
|
%
|
|
Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
|
|
%
|
|
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
|
|
get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
|
|
-- Casablanca
|
|
%
|
|
Miksch's Law:
|
|
If a string has one end, then it has another end.
|
|
%
|
|
Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
|
|
%
|
|
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
Miller's Slogan:
|
|
Lose a few, lose a few.
|
|
%
|
|
millihelen, adj:
|
|
The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
|
|
%
|
|
Millions long for immortality who do not know what
|
|
to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
|
|
-- Susan Ertz
|
|
%
|
|
Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
|
|
almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
|
|
they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
|
|
President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
|
|
lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
|
|
stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
|
|
Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
|
|
Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
|
|
the gold and the black.
|
|
-- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
|
|
%
|
|
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
|
|
particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
|
|
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
|
|
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
|
|
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
|
|
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
|
|
%
|
|
"Mind if I smoke?"
|
|
"I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
|
|
%
|
|
"Mind if I smoke?"
|
|
"Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
|
|
%
|
|
Mind your own business, Spock.
|
|
I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
|
|
%
|
|
Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
|
|
%
|
|
Minicomputer:
|
|
A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
|
|
manager.
|
|
%
|
|
Minnesota --
|
|
home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
|
|
mosquito supplier to the free world.
|
|
come fall in love with a loon.
|
|
where visitors turn blue with envy.
|
|
one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
|
|
land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
|
|
where the elite meet sleet.
|
|
glove it or leave it.
|
|
many are cold, but few are frozen.
|
|
land of the ski and home of the crazed.
|
|
land of 10,000 Petersons.
|
|
%
|
|
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
|
|
%
|
|
MIPS:
|
|
Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
|
|
%
|
|
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
|
|
-- Jean Cocteau
|
|
%
|
|
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
|
|
%
|
|
Misery no longer loves company.
|
|
Nowadays it insists on it.
|
|
-- Russell Baker
|
|
%
|
|
MISFORTUNE:
|
|
The kind of fortune that never misses.
|
|
%
|
|
Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
|
|
%
|
|
MISS:
|
|
A title with which we brand unmarried
|
|
women to indicate that they are in the market.
|
|
%
|
|
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure.
|
|
%
|
|
Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
|
|
%
|
|
MIT:
|
|
The Georgia Tech of the North
|
|
%
|
|
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
|
|
Any simple problem can be made insoluble
|
|
if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
|
|
%
|
|
mittsquinter, adj:
|
|
A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
|
|
if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
|
|
it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
|
|
-- Horace
|
|
%
|
|
mixed emotions:
|
|
Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
|
|
With five empty seats.
|
|
%
|
|
Mix's Law:
|
|
There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
|
|
There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
|
|
%
|
|
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
|
|
%
|
|
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
|
|
|
|
Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
|
|
2 cups water 2 cups sugar
|
|
2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
|
|
Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
|
|
Cinnamon
|
|
|
|
Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
|
|
RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
|
|
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
|
|
juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
|
|
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
|
|
crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
|
|
steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
|
|
is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
|
|
-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
|
|
%
|
|
Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
|
|
-- P.J. Denning
|
|
%
|
|
modem, adj:
|
|
Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
|
|
unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
|
|
%
|
|
Moderation in all things.
|
|
-- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
|
|
%
|
|
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
|
|
themselves that they have a better idea.
|
|
-- John Ciardi
|
|
%
|
|
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
|
|
%
|
|
Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
|
|
function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
|
|
other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
|
|
brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
|
|
Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
|
|
conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
|
|
is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
|
|
assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
|
|
Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
|
|
logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
|
|
-- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological
|
|
Theory", 1949
|
|
%
|
|
MODESTY:
|
|
Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
|
|
%
|
|
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
|
|
-- J.K. Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
|
|
not to be aware of it.
|
|
-- Oliver Herford
|
|
%
|
|
Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
|
|
Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
|
|
Moe: So?
|
|
Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
|
|
%
|
|
Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
|
|
Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
|
|
%
|
|
Moebius always does it on the same side.
|
|
%
|
|
Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
|
|
how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
|
|
The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
|
|
%
|
|
Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
|
|
in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
|
|
hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
|
|
the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
|
|
but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
|
|
So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
|
|
over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
|
|
the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
|
|
the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
|
|
awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
|
|
woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
|
|
"Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
|
|
%
|
|
MOLECULE:
|
|
The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
|
|
the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
|
|
closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
|
|
of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
|
|
the atom in that it is an ion...
|
|
%
|
|
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
|
|
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
|
|
and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
|
|
%
|
|
MOMENTUM:
|
|
What you give a person when they are going away.
|
|
%
|
|
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
|
|
%
|
|
Mom's Law:
|
|
When they finally do have to take you to the
|
|
hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
|
|
%
|
|
MONDAY:
|
|
In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
|
|
%
|
|
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
|
|
things we have.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
|
|
%
|
|
Money cannot buy
|
|
The fuel of love
|
|
but is excellent kindling.
|
|
|
|
To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
|
|
Is a keen observer of life,
|
|
The word intellectual suggests right away
|
|
A man who's untrue to his wife.
|
|
-- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
|
|
%
|
|
Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
|
|
awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
|
|
-- C.B. Luce
|
|
%
|
|
Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
|
|
-- Christopher Marlowe
|
|
%
|
|
Money doesn't talk, it swears.
|
|
-- Bob Dylan
|
|
%
|
|
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
Money is its own reward.
|
|
%
|
|
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
|
|
%
|
|
Money is the root of all wealth.
|
|
%
|
|
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
|
|
-- Sir Edmond Stockdale
|
|
%
|
|
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
|
|
%
|
|
Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
|
|
puts you in a great bargaining position.
|
|
%
|
|
Money will say more in one moment than
|
|
the most eloquent lover can in years.
|
|
%
|
|
Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
|
|
-- Andries van Dam
|
|
%
|
|
Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
|
|
-- H.H. Munro
|
|
%
|
|
MONOTONY:
|
|
Marriage to one woman at a time.
|
|
%
|
|
MONTANA:
|
|
A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
|
|
%
|
|
MONTANA:
|
|
Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
|
|
%
|
|
Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
|
|
in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
|
|
of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
|
|
-- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
|
|
%
|
|
moon, n:
|
|
1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
|
|
hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
|
|
%
|
|
Moore's Constant:
|
|
Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
|
|
does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
|
|
%
|
|
MOPHOBIA:
|
|
Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
|
|
%
|
|
mophobia, n:
|
|
Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
|
|
%
|
|
More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
|
|
-- Vauvenargues
|
|
%
|
|
More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
|
|
-- R.S. Surtees
|
|
%
|
|
More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
|
|
%
|
|
More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
|
|
%
|
|
MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
|
|
The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
|
|
night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
|
|
waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
|
|
the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
|
|
broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
|
|
the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
|
|
At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
|
|
full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
|
|
%
|
|
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
|
|
leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
|
|
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
|
|
%
|
|
Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
|
|
religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
|
|
One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
|
|
man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
|
|
just once?"
|
|
The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
|
|
nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
|
|
I just want to win one little lottery."
|
|
"As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
|
|
least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
|
|
%
|
|
Morton's Law:
|
|
If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
|
|
%
|
|
Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
|
|
wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
|
|
-- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
|
|
%
|
|
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
|
|
Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
|
|
If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
|
|
%
|
|
MOSQUITO:
|
|
The state bird of New Jersey.
|
|
%
|
|
Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
|
|
%
|
|
Most folks they like the daytime,
|
|
'cause they like to see the shining sun.
|
|
They're up in the morning,
|
|
off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
|
|
But when the sun goes down,
|
|
and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
|
|
|
|
Now there are two sides to this great big world,
|
|
and one of them is always night.
|
|
If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
|
|
I guess you're gonna be all right.
|
|
Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
|
|
My eyes just can't stand the light.
|
|
|
|
'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
|
|
-- Carly Simon
|
|
%
|
|
Most general statements are false, including this one.
|
|
-- Alexander Dumas
|
|
%
|
|
Most of our lives are about proving something,
|
|
either to ourselves or to someone else.
|
|
%
|
|
Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
|
|
difficulties before we get to them.
|
|
-- Dr. Frank Crane
|
|
%
|
|
...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
|
|
useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
|
|
hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
|
|
and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
|
|
lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
|
|
which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
|
|
speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
|
|
of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
|
|
has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
|
|
-- Alix Kates Shulman
|
|
%
|
|
Most of your faults are not your fault.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
|
|
they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
|
|
to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
|
|
moon.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people deserve each other.
|
|
-- Shirley
|
|
%
|
|
Most people don't need a great deal of love
|
|
nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
|
|
-- E.W. Howe
|
|
%
|
|
Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
|
|
only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
|
|
quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
|
|
-- W.S. Maugham
|
|
%
|
|
Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
|
|
a good reason, and the real reason.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
|
|
at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
|
|
-- Susan Sontag
|
|
%
|
|
Most people need some of their problems
|
|
to help take their mind off some of the others.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people prefer certainty to truth.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people want either less corruption
|
|
or more of a chance to participate in it.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
|
|
if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
|
|
%
|
|
Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
|
|
%
|
|
Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
|
|
%
|
|
Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
|
|
can't talk for people who can't read.
|
|
-- Frank Zappa
|
|
%
|
|
Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
|
|
%
|
|
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
|
|
-- Richard Lewis
|
|
%
|
|
MOTHER:
|
|
Half a word.
|
|
%
|
|
Mother Earth is not flat!
|
|
%
|
|
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that
|
|
there would be so many.
|
|
%
|
|
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
|
|
would be so many.
|
|
%
|
|
Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
|
|
%
|
|
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
|
|
don't want them to become politicians in the process.
|
|
-- John F. Kennedy
|
|
%
|
|
Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
|
|
Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
|
|
-- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
|
|
%
|
|
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
|
|
%
|
|
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
|
|
%
|
|
Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
|
|
of the day.
|
|
%
|
|
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
|
|
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
|
|
population is growing.
|
|
%
|
|
Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
|
|
the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
|
|
shirts but they're going back.
|
|
%
|
|
Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
|
|
you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
|
|
%
|
|
Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
|
|
renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
|
|
at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
|
|
%
|
|
Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
|
|
Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
|
|
lessons or what?
|
|
%
|
|
Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
|
|
When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
|
|
wrong, "Up to a point."
|
|
"Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
|
|
Yokohama isn't it?"
|
|
"Up to a point, Lord Copper."
|
|
"And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
|
|
"Definitely, Lord Copper."
|
|
-- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
|
|
%
|
|
MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
|
|
-- Henry Spencer
|
|
%
|
|
Much of the excitement we get out of our work
|
|
is that we don't really know what we are doing.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
|
|
He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
|
|
"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
|
|
be shared."
|
|
But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
|
|
First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
|
|
"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
|
|
But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
|
|
"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
|
|
with prawns,
|
|
Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
|
|
But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
|
|
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
|
|
And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
|
|
His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
|
|
And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
|
|
and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
|
|
None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
|
|
%
|
|
Multics is security spelled sideways.
|
|
%
|
|
"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
|
|
365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
|
|
Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
|
|
tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
|
|
smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
|
|
than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"
|
|
An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
|
|
as much fun to watch.
|
|
-- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
|
|
%
|
|
MUMMY:
|
|
An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
|
|
%
|
|
Mummy dust to make me old;
|
|
To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
|
|
To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
|
|
To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
|
|
A blast of wind to fan my hate;
|
|
A thunderbolt to mix it well --
|
|
Now begin thy magic spell!
|
|
-- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
|
|
%
|
|
Mummy dust to make me old;
|
|
To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
|
|
To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
|
|
To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
|
|
A blast of wind to fan my hate;
|
|
A thunderbolt to mix it well --
|
|
Now begin thy magic spell!
|
|
-- Walter Disney, "Snow White"
|
|
%
|
|
Mum's the word.
|
|
-- Miguel de Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
|
|
-- Xaviera Hollander
|
|
|
|
[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
|
|
%
|
|
Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
|
|
talk about after dinner.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
|
|
%
|
|
Murphy was an optimist.
|
|
%
|
|
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
|
|
%
|
|
Murphy's Law of Research:
|
|
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
|
|
%
|
|
Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
|
|
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
|
|
%
|
|
Murphy's Laws:
|
|
(1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
|
|
(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
|
|
(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
|
|
%
|
|
Murray's Rule:
|
|
Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
|
|
%
|
|
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
|
|
%
|
|
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
%
|
|
MUSTGO:
|
|
Any item of food that has been sitting in the
|
|
refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
|
|
-- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
|
|
%
|
|
My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
|
|
But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
|
|
Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
|
|
To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
|
|
'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
|
|
|
|
And you know two heads are better than one.
|
|
%
|
|
My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
|
|
|
|
Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
|
|
they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
|
|
%
|
|
My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
|
|
The height of its contents to see!
|
|
She lit a small match to assist her,
|
|
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
|
|
%
|
|
My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
|
|
to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
|
|
only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
|
|
a bulls-eye on the back.
|
|
|
|
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
|
|
said, "So will you."
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
My brain is my second favorite organ.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
|
|
of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
|
|
It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
|
|
and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
|
|
It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
|
|
decimal points for the sake of precision.
|
|
Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
|
|
I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
|
|
It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
|
|
arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
|
|
It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
|
|
over.
|
|
Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
|
|
life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
|
|
%
|
|
My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
|
|
nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
|
|
instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
|
|
a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
|
|
the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
|
|
turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
|
|
that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
|
|
just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
|
|
-- Hunter S. Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
|
|
of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
|
|
drunk or sober."
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
|
|
%
|
|
"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or
|
|
sober."
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton
|
|
%
|
|
My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
|
|
%
|
|
My darling wife was always glum.
|
|
I drowned her in a cask of rum,
|
|
And so made sure that she would stay
|
|
In better spirits night and day.
|
|
%
|
|
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
|
|
Unless there are three other people.
|
|
-- Orson Welles
|
|
%
|
|
My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
|
|
%
|
|
My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
|
|
beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
|
|
is going on.
|
|
-- J.F. Kennedy
|
|
%
|
|
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
|
|
-- Iphicrates
|
|
%
|
|
My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
|
|
your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
|
|
-- Erich Maria Remarque
|
|
%
|
|
My father taught me three things:
|
|
1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
|
|
2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
|
|
3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
|
|
%
|
|
My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
|
|
missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
|
|
-- E.B. White
|
|
%
|
|
My father was a saint, I'm not.
|
|
-- Indira Gandhi
|
|
%
|
|
My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
|
|
and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
|
|
-- Senator Hubert Humphrey
|
|
%
|
|
My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
|
|
Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
|
|
New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
|
|
and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
|
|
somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
|
|
"I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
|
|
to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
|
|
-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
|
|
%
|
|
My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
|
|
but they were there to meet the boat.
|
|
%
|
|
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
|
|
later I can ask him what he meant.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
|
|
but always, always, he was right.
|
|
%
|
|
My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
|
|
she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
|
|
back and dig her up.
|
|
%
|
|
"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
|
|
"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
|
|
%
|
|
My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
|
|
as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
|
|
mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
|
|
I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
|
|
would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
|
|
%
|
|
My, how you've changed since I've changed.
|
|
%
|
|
My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
|
|
%
|
|
My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
|
|
%
|
|
My interest is in the future because I am
|
|
going to spend the rest of my life there.
|
|
%
|
|
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
|
|
And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
|
|
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
|
|
And the skies are sunlit for him.
|
|
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
|
|
As the fragrance of acacia.
|
|
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
|
|
And I wish he were in Asia.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, part 2
|
|
%
|
|
My love runs by like a day in June,
|
|
And he makes no friends of sorrows.
|
|
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
|
|
In the pathway or the morrows.
|
|
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
|
|
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
|
|
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
|
|
And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, part 3
|
|
%
|
|
My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
|
|
thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
My mind can never know my body, although
|
|
it has become quite friendly with my legs.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
|
|
%
|
|
My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
|
|
-- Crazy Jimmy
|
|
%
|
|
My mother loved children -- she would
|
|
have given anything if I had been one.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
|
|
"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
|
|
For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
|
|
-- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
|
|
%
|
|
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
|
|
-- Sue Murphy
|
|
%
|
|
My My, hey hey
|
|
Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
|
|
It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
|
|
Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
|
|
My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
|
|
|
|
It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
|
|
They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
|
|
And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
|
|
When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
|
|
And into the black
|
|
-- Neil Young
|
|
"My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
|
|
%
|
|
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
|
|
be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
|
|
%
|
|
My only love sprung from my only hate!
|
|
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
|
|
%
|
|
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
|
|
%
|
|
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
|
|
-- O. Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
|
|
And he cares not what comes after.
|
|
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
|
|
And his eyes are lit with laughter.
|
|
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
|
|
Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
|
|
My own dear love, he is all my world --
|
|
And I wish I'd never met him.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, part 1
|
|
%
|
|
My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
|
|
and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
|
|
reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
|
|
to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
|
|
we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
|
|
slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
|
|
from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
|
|
would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
|
|
-- James A. Michener
|
|
%
|
|
"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
|
|
%
|
|
My pen is at the bottom of a page,
|
|
Which, being finished, here the story ends;
|
|
'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
|
|
But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
|
|
-- Byron
|
|
%
|
|
My philosophy is: Don't think.
|
|
-- Charles Manson
|
|
%
|
|
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
|
|
-- Errol Flynn
|
|
|
|
Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
|
|
-- Errol Flynn
|
|
%
|
|
My rackets are run on strictly American
|
|
lines, and they're going to stay that way.
|
|
-- A. Capone
|
|
%
|
|
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
|
|
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
|
|
with our frail and feeble mind.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
|
|
hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
|
|
in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
|
|
character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
|
|
of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
|
|
Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
|
|
dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
|
|
to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
|
|
in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
|
|
-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
|
|
part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
|
|
right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
|
|
have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
|
|
exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
|
|
reason to limit myself.
|
|
-- Emo Philips
|
|
%
|
|
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
|
|
She sells C shells by the seashore.
|
|
%
|
|
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
|
|
I do not like me anymore,
|
|
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
|
|
I ponder on the narrow house
|
|
I shudder at the thought of men
|
|
I'm due to fall in love again.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
|
|
%
|
|
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
|
|
-- Christopher Morley
|
|
%
|
|
My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
|
|
-- George Gobel
|
|
%
|
|
My way of joking is to tell the truth.
|
|
That's the funniest joke in the world.
|
|
-- Muhammad Ali
|
|
%
|
|
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
|
|
%
|
|
Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
|
|
-- Booth Tarkington
|
|
%
|
|
mythology, n:
|
|
The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
|
|
early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
|
|
from the true accounts which it invents later.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
|
|
is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
|
|
returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
|
|
|
|
So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
|
|
|
|
Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
|
|
"So, how's your daughter?"
|
|
"Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
|
|
"Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
|
|
"Yes, that's my Rachel."
|
|
"That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
|
|
the doctor?"
|
|
"Yes, that's her!"
|
|
"But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
|
|
"Yes, yes!"
|
|
"Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
|
|
%
|
|
Nachman's Rule:
|
|
When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
|
|
-- Gerald Nachman
|
|
%
|
|
Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
|
|
-- '76 Olympics
|
|
%
|
|
'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
|
|
Never odd or even.
|
|
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
|
|
Madam, I'm Adam.
|
|
Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
|
|
-- The Mad Palindromist
|
|
%
|
|
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?
|
|
Everything he says is wrong.
|
|
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency,
|
|
and then everything he says will be right.
|
|
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
narcolepulacyi, n:
|
|
The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
|
|
to also yawn.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
|
|
"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
|
|
goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
|
|
it."
|
|
%
|
|
Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
|
|
gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
|
|
only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
|
|
stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
|
|
asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
|
|
for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
|
|
he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
|
|
were spoken to.
|
|
%
|
|
Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
|
|
him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
|
|
shop?"
|
|
"Of course."
|
|
"Have you ever seen me before?"
|
|
"Never."
|
|
"Then how do you know it was me?"
|
|
%
|
|
Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
|
|
than the sun."
|
|
"Why?", he was asked.
|
|
"Because at night we need the light more."
|
|
%
|
|
Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
|
|
Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
|
|
his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
|
|
You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
|
|
%
|
|
National security is in your hands - guard it well.
|
|
%
|
|
Natural laws have no pity.
|
|
%
|
|
Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
|
|
of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
|
|
drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
|
|
or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
|
|
can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
|
|
have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
|
|
for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
|
|
in every country.
|
|
-- Hermann Goering
|
|
%
|
|
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
|
|
of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
|
|
fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
|
|
creamed?
|
|
-- Solomon Short
|
|
%
|
|
Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
|
|
-- Clare Booth Luce
|
|
%
|
|
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
|
|
%
|
|
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
|
|
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
|
|
|
|
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
|
|
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
|
|
%
|
|
Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
|
|
given them little.
|
|
-- Dr. Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where,
|
|
it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz
|
|
%
|
|
Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
|
|
tolerated until they acquire some sense.
|
|
-- William Phelps
|
|
%
|
|
Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
|
|
And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
|
|
As on the land while here the ocean gains,
|
|
In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
|
|
Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
|
|
The solid power of understanding fails;
|
|
Where beams of warm imagination play,
|
|
The memory's soft figures melt away.
|
|
-- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
|
|
%
|
|
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
|
|
-- Francis Bacon
|
|
%
|
|
Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
|
|
On the Rue des Ecoles
|
|
lived an old man
|
|
with a blind dog
|
|
Every evening I would see him
|
|
guiding the dog along
|
|
the sidewalk, keeping
|
|
a firm grip on the leash
|
|
so that the dog wouldn't
|
|
run into a passerby
|
|
Sometimes the dog would stop
|
|
and look up at the sky
|
|
Once the old man
|
|
noticed me watching the dog
|
|
and he said, "Oh, yes,
|
|
this one knows
|
|
when the moon is out,
|
|
he can feel it on his face"
|
|
-- Barry Gifford
|
|
%
|
|
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
|
|
want to test a man's character, give him power.
|
|
-- Abraham Lincoln
|
|
%
|
|
Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
|
|
have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
|
|
-- Brent Welch
|
|
%
|
|
Necessity has no law.
|
|
-- St. Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
Necessity hath no law.
|
|
-- Oliver Cromwell
|
|
%
|
|
Necessity is a mother.
|
|
%
|
|
"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
|
|
is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
|
|
-- Alfred North Whitehead
|
|
%
|
|
Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
|
|
It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
|
|
-- William Pitt, 1783
|
|
%
|
|
Neckties strangle clear thinking.
|
|
-- Lin Yutang
|
|
%
|
|
Needs are a function of what other people have.
|
|
%
|
|
Negative expectations yield negative results.
|
|
Positive expectations yield negative results.
|
|
%
|
|
Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
|
|
-- Napoleon
|
|
%
|
|
Neil Armstrong tripped.
|
|
%
|
|
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
|
|
%
|
|
Nemo me impune lacessit
|
|
[No one provokes me with impunity]
|
|
-- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
|
|
%
|
|
nerd pack, n:
|
|
Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
|
|
clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
|
|
measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
|
|
in his pack.
|
|
%
|
|
Neuroses are red,
|
|
Melancholia's blue.
|
|
I'm schizophrenic,
|
|
What are you?
|
|
%
|
|
Neurotics build castles in the sky,
|
|
Psychotics live in them,
|
|
And psychiatrists collect the rent.
|
|
%
|
|
Neutrinos are into physicists.
|
|
%
|
|
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
|
|
%
|
|
neutron bomb, n:
|
|
An explosive device of limited military value because, as
|
|
it only destroys people without destroying property, it
|
|
must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
|
|
%
|
|
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
|
|
-- Linda Festa
|
|
%
|
|
Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
|
|
Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
|
|
%
|
|
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
|
|
%
|
|
Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
|
|
%
|
|
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
|
|
%
|
|
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss
|
|
the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
|
|
%
|
|
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
|
|
-- Anonymous
|
|
%
|
|
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
|
|
%
|
|
Never buy from a rich salesman.
|
|
-- Goldenstern
|
|
%
|
|
Never buy what you do not want
|
|
because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
%
|
|
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
|
|
%
|
|
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
|
|
%
|
|
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
|
|
%
|
|
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
|
|
%
|
|
Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
|
|
with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
|
|
into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
|
|
window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
|
|
%
|
|
Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
|
|
%
|
|
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
|
|
%
|
|
Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
|
|
And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
|
|
-- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
|
|
%
|
|
Never eat more than you can lift.
|
|
-- Miss Piggy
|
|
%
|
|
Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
|
|
absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
|
|
%
|
|
Never explain. Your friends do not need it
|
|
and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
|
|
-- Elbert Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
|
|
-- Marlo Thomas
|
|
%
|
|
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
|
|
%
|
|
Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
|
|
%
|
|
Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
|
|
%
|
|
Never give an inch!
|
|
%
|
|
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
|
|
-- Erma Bombeck
|
|
%
|
|
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
|
|
-- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
|
|
%
|
|
Never have children, only grandchildren.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
%
|
|
Never have so many understood so little about so much.
|
|
-- James Burke
|
|
%
|
|
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
|
|
%
|
|
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
|
|
%
|
|
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
|
|
-- Billy Rose
|
|
%
|
|
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
|
|
-- Quentin Crisp
|
|
%
|
|
Never kick a man, unless he's down.
|
|
%
|
|
Never laugh at live dragons.
|
|
-- Bilbo Baggins
|
|
%
|
|
Never leave anything to chance;
|
|
make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
|
|
%
|
|
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
|
|
-- Erma Bombeck
|
|
%
|
|
Never let someone who says it cannot be done
|
|
interrupt the person who is doing it.
|
|
%
|
|
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
|
|
-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
|
|
%
|
|
Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
|
|
-- Saint Jerome
|
|
%
|
|
Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
|
|
%
|
|
Never make anything simple and efficient when a
|
|
way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
|
|
%
|
|
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
|
|
-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
|
|
%
|
|
Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
|
|
%
|
|
Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
|
|
%
|
|
Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
|
|
%
|
|
Never promise more than you can perform.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
|
|
-- D. Gries
|
|
%
|
|
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
|
|
%
|
|
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
|
|
%
|
|
Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
|
|
unprotected.
|
|
-- Robert Orben
|
|
%
|
|
Never reveal your best argument.
|
|
%
|
|
Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
|
|
%
|
|
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
|
|
%
|
|
Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
|
|
-- Nelson Algren
|
|
%
|
|
Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
|
|
that subject.
|
|
-- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
|
|
%
|
|
NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
|
|
%
|
|
Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
|
|
in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
|
|
tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
|
|
On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
|
|
do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
|
|
-- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
|
|
-- Steinbach
|
|
%
|
|
Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
|
|
%
|
|
Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
|
|
-- John Dillinger
|
|
%
|
|
Never trust an operating system.
|
|
%
|
|
Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
|
|
%
|
|
Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
|
|
%
|
|
Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
|
|
sex to a virgin.
|
|
-- Robert Heinlein
|
|
|
|
(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
|
|
%
|
|
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
Never try to teach a pig to sing.
|
|
It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
|
|
%
|
|
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
|
|
%
|
|
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
|
|
%
|
|
Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
|
|
there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
|
|
%
|
|
Never volunteer for anything.
|
|
-- Lackland
|
|
%
|
|
Never worry about theory as long as the
|
|
machinery does what it's supposed to do.
|
|
-- R.A. Heinlein
|
|
%
|
|
new, adj:
|
|
Different color from previous model.
|
|
%
|
|
New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
|
|
%
|
|
New England Life, of course. Why?
|
|
%
|
|
New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
|
|
%
|
|
New members are urgently needed in the Society
|
|
for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
|
|
%
|
|
New release:
|
|
Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
|
|
time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
|
|
rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
|
|
%
|
|
New systems generate new problems.
|
|
%
|
|
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
|
|
age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
|
|
-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
|
|
%
|
|
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
|
|
whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
New York-- to that tall skyline I come
|
|
Flyin' in from London to your door
|
|
New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
|
|
Where they say you should not wander after dark.
|
|
New York.
|
|
-- Simon and Garfunkel
|
|
%
|
|
New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be.
|
|
%
|
|
Newlan's Truism:
|
|
An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
|
|
government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
|
|
%
|
|
Newman's Discovery:
|
|
Your best dreams may not come true;
|
|
fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
|
|
%
|
|
Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
|
|
print the chaff.
|
|
-- Adlai Stevenson
|
|
%
|
|
NEWS FLASH!!
|
|
Today the East German pole-vault champion
|
|
became the West German pole-vault champion.
|
|
%
|
|
news: gotcha
|
|
%
|
|
NEWSFLASH!!
|
|
Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
|
|
1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
|
|
It was. Age 31.
|
|
%
|
|
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
|
|
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
|
|
%
|
|
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
|
|
As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
|
|
%
|
|
Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
|
|
-- Foghorn Leghorn
|
|
%
|
|
Nice guys don't finish nice.
|
|
%
|
|
Nice guys finish last.
|
|
-- Leo Durocher
|
|
%
|
|
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
|
|
-- Evan Davis
|
|
%
|
|
Nice guys get sick.
|
|
%
|
|
Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
|
|
All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
|
|
%
|
|
Nietzsche is pietzsche.
|
|
%
|
|
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
|
|
%
|
|
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
|
|
God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
|
|
%
|
|
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
|
|
%
|
|
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
|
|
name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
|
|
(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
|
|
but Americans call him by value.
|
|
%
|
|
Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
|
|
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
|
|
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
|
|
Three megs for system source;
|
|
|
|
One disk to rule them all,
|
|
One disk to bind them,
|
|
One disk to hold the files
|
|
And in the darkness grind 'em.
|
|
%
|
|
Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
|
|
And tapes without any tracks;
|
|
Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
|
|
And tapes mixed up on the racks --
|
|
Take hold of the tape
|
|
And pull off the strip,
|
|
And then you'll be sure
|
|
Your tape drive will skip.
|
|
|
|
-- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
|
|
%
|
|
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
|
|
-- Henry Kissinger
|
|
%
|
|
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
|
|
would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
|
|
that much.
|
|
-- Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
|
|
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
|
|
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
|
|
%
|
|
Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
|
|
that be and their friends hang out.
|
|
-- Zonker Harris
|
|
%
|
|
Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
|
|
else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
|
|
the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
|
|
-- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
|
|
%
|
|
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
|
|
-- Aesop
|
|
%
|
|
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
|
|
%
|
|
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
|
|
%
|
|
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
|
|
-- William Blake
|
|
%
|
|
no brainer:
|
|
A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
|
|
is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
|
|
%
|
|
No character, however upright, is a match for
|
|
constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
|
|
-- Alexander Hamilton
|
|
%
|
|
No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
|
|
-- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
|
|
film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
|
|
Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
|
|
%
|
|
No directory.
|
|
%
|
|
No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
|
|
lectures which are really worth the attending.
|
|
-- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
|
|
%
|
|
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
|
|
on the grounds that it was human nature.
|
|
%
|
|
No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
|
|
-- Dr. Who
|
|
%
|
|
No evil can happen to a good man.
|
|
-- Plato
|
|
%
|
|
No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
|
|
-- Aristotle
|
|
%
|
|
No extensible language will be universal.
|
|
-- T. Cheatham
|
|
%
|
|
No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
|
|
no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
|
|
-- Landor
|
|
%
|
|
No good deed goes unpunished.
|
|
-- Clare Booth Luce
|
|
%
|
|
No group of professionals meets except to
|
|
conspire against the public at large.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
|
|
he will not become a nuisance after three days.
|
|
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
|
|
%
|
|
No guts, no glory.
|
|
%
|
|
No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
|
|
until three software guys have signed off for it.
|
|
-- Andy Tanenbaum
|
|
%
|
|
No, his mind is not for rent
|
|
To any god or government.
|
|
Always hopeful, yet discontent,
|
|
He knows changes aren't permanent -
|
|
But change is.
|
|
%
|
|
No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
|
|
%
|
|
No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
|
|
It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
|
|
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
|
|
%
|
|
No, I don't have a drinking problem.
|
|
I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
|
|
%
|
|
No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
|
|
just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
|
|
and Telegraph Company.
|
|
-- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
|
|
machine, 1943.
|
|
%
|
|
No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
|
|
-- Sidney
|
|
%
|
|
"No job too big; no fee too big!"
|
|
-- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
|
|
%
|
|
No line available at 300 baud.
|
|
%
|
|
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
|
|
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
|
|
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
|
|
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
|
|
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
|
|
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
|
|
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
|
|
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
|
|
%
|
|
no maintenance:
|
|
Impossible to fix.
|
|
%
|
|
No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
|
|
interest in hair restorers.
|
|
-- Austin O'Malley
|
|
%
|
|
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
|
|
one peanut.
|
|
-- Channing Pollock
|
|
%
|
|
No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
|
|
Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
|
|
Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
|
|
a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
|
|
me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
|
|
for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
|
|
-- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
|
|
%
|
|
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
|
|
%
|
|
No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
|
|
%
|
|
No man is useless who has a friend,
|
|
and if we are loved we are indispensable.
|
|
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
|
|
%
|
|
No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
|
|
-- E.W. Howe
|
|
%
|
|
No man's ambition has a right to stand in
|
|
the way of performing a simple act of justice.
|
|
-- John Altgeld
|
|
%
|
|
No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
|
|
than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
|
|
-- Lenin, 1918
|
|
%
|
|
No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
|
|
with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
|
|
But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
|
|
in the afternoons.
|
|
-- Salvador Dali
|
|
%
|
|
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
|
|
%
|
|
No matter how much you do you never do enough.
|
|
%
|
|
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
|
|
signs of improvement.
|
|
-- Florida Scott-Maxwell
|
|
%
|
|
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
|
|
cramp his style.
|
|
%
|
|
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
|
|
%
|
|
No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
|
|
%
|
|
No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
|
|
the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
|
|
%
|
|
No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
|
|
th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
|
|
-- Mr. Dooley
|
|
%
|
|
No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
|
|
unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
|
|
-- Arthur Binstead
|
|
%
|
|
No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
|
|
all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
|
|
the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
|
|
republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
|
|
ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
|
|
every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
|
|
%
|
|
No one becomes depraved in a moment.
|
|
-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
|
|
%
|
|
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
|
|
%
|
|
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
|
|
dirty little beast.
|
|
-- W.S. Gilbert
|
|
%
|
|
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
|
|
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
%
|
|
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
|
|
%
|
|
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
|
|
%
|
|
No one knows like a woman how to say
|
|
things that are at once gentle and deep.
|
|
-- Hugo
|
|
%
|
|
No one knows what he can do till he tries.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
|
|
-- Quintus Ennius
|
|
%
|
|
No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
|
|
one who's giving it.
|
|
-- Hal Chadwick
|
|
%
|
|
NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
|
|
-- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
|
|
%
|
|
No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
|
|
For this isn't really the norm.
|
|
But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
|
|
So what? Any pork in a storm.
|
|
|
|
No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
|
|
It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
|
|
But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
|
|
Cast even more perils before swine.
|
|
%
|
|
No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
|
|
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
|
|
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
|
|
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
|
|
(refrain)
|
|
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
|
|
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
|
|
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
|
|
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
|
|
(refrain)
|
|
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
|
|
The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
|
|
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
|
|
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
|
|
(refrain)
|
|
Refrain:
|
|
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
|
|
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
|
|
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
|
|
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
|
|
%
|
|
No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
|
|
them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
|
|
their wish has been granted.
|
|
-- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
|
|
%
|
|
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
|
|
%
|
|
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
|
|
%
|
|
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
|
|
-- C. Schulz
|
|
%
|
|
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
|
|
%
|
|
"No program is perfect,"
|
|
They said with a shrug.
|
|
"The customer's happy--
|
|
What's one little bug?"
|
|
|
|
But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
|
|
The others went home. As year followed year.
|
|
He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
|
|
Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
|
|
|
|
Night passed into morning. He died at the console
|
|
The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
|
|
With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
|
|
"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
|
|
|
|
Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
|
|
Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
|
|
"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
|
|
"Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
|
|
-- The Perfect Programmer
|
|
%
|
|
No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
|
|
occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
|
|
indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
|
|
different from the one identified by the given indication as an
|
|
indication-applied occurrence.
|
|
-- ALGOL 68 Report
|
|
%
|
|
No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
|
|
%
|
|
No rock so hard but that a little wave
|
|
May beat admission in a thousand years.
|
|
-- Tennyson
|
|
%
|
|
No self-made man ever did such a good job
|
|
that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
|
|
-- Kim Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
No skis take rocks like rental skis!
|
|
%
|
|
No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
|
|
for that purpose to keep awake all day.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
|
|
%
|
|
No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
|
|
Finished his old Raven,
|
|
then he started his Old Crow.
|
|
%
|
|
No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
|
|
-- Quintus Ennius
|
|
%
|
|
No spitting on the Bus!
|
|
Thank you, The Management.
|
|
%
|
|
No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
No two persons ever read the same book.
|
|
-- Edmund Wilson
|
|
%
|
|
No use getting too involved in life --
|
|
you're only here for a limited time.
|
|
%
|
|
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
|
|
-- Sherlock Holmes
|
|
%
|
|
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
|
|
she will or will not be a mother.
|
|
-- Margaret H. Sanger
|
|
%
|
|
No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
|
|
-- Lord Thomas Dewar
|
|
%
|
|
No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
|
|
him than he deserves.
|
|
-- Edgar Watson Howe
|
|
%
|
|
No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
|
|
Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
|
|
%
|
|
No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
|
|
%
|
|
No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
|
|
%
|
|
Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
|
|
fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
|
|
moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
|
|
useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
|
|
she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
|
|
moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
|
|
him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
|
|
reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
|
|
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
|
|
threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
|
|
old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
|
|
had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
|
|
paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
|
|
was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
|
|
he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
|
|
and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
|
|
young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
|
|
The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
|
|
story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
|
|
quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
|
|
however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
|
|
-- Richard Harter
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
|
|
-- Tallulah Bankhead
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
|
|
-- Kin Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
|
|
%
|
|
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
|
|
limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
|
|
if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
|
|
shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
|
|
that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
|
|
It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
|
|
-- Liv Ullman
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
|
|
-- Roy Harper
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody loves me,
|
|
Everybody hates me,
|
|
I think I'll go out and eat worms.
|
|
I'm gonna cut their heads off,
|
|
Eat their insides out,
|
|
And throw way the skins.
|
|
Big, fat, juicy ones,
|
|
Little, skinny, cute ones,
|
|
Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
|
|
And then it's too late.
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody shot me.
|
|
-- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
|
|
who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint
|
|
Valentine's Day Massacre.
|
|
|
|
Only Capone kills like that.
|
|
-- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
|
|
|
|
The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
|
|
-- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
|
|
for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
|
|
their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
|
|
-- Lewis Lapham
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our
|
|
your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
|
|
different.
|
|
-- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
|
|
O'Brien, instructions to the force.
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody wants constructive criticism.
|
|
It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
|
|
%
|
|
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
|
|
coming in late and lying about it.
|
|
%
|
|
nohup rm -fr /&
|
|
%
|
|
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
|
|
merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
nolo contendere:
|
|
A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
|
|
it again."
|
|
%
|
|
nominal egg:
|
|
New Yorkerese for expensive.
|
|
%
|
|
Noncombatant:
|
|
A dead Quaker.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
|
|
-- M.J. 0'Donnell
|
|
%
|
|
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
None love the bearer of bad news.
|
|
-- Sophocles
|
|
%
|
|
None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
|
|
to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
|
|
ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
|
|
job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
|
|
forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
|
|
he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
|
|
state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
|
|
"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
|
|
-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
|
|
%
|
|
Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
|
|
-- Heisenberg
|
|
%
|
|
Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
|
|
-- E.M. Forster
|
|
%
|
|
Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
|
|
%
|
|
No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
|
|
intentions. He had money as well.
|
|
-- Margaret Thatcher
|
|
%
|
|
Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
|
|
-- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
|
|
|
|
Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
|
|
-- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
|
|
|
|
Coach: How's life, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
|
|
-- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
|
|
%
|
|
Norm: Hey, everybody.
|
|
All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
|
|
Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
|
|
Norm! (Norman.)
|
|
How are you feeling today, Norm?
|
|
Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
|
|
-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
|
|
|
|
Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
|
|
Film at eleven.
|
|
-- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
|
|
|
|
Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
|
|
-- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
|
|
%
|
|
[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
|
|
|
|
Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
|
|
Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
|
|
-- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
|
|
|
|
Coach: What's up, Normie?
|
|
Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
|
|
-- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
|
|
|
|
Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
|
|
Norm: Going down?
|
|
-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
|
|
%
|
|
[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
|
|
|
|
Off-screen crowd: Norm!
|
|
Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
|
|
Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
|
|
-- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
|
|
|
|
Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: Elope with my wife.
|
|
-- Cheers, The Triangle
|
|
|
|
Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
|
|
-- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
|
|
%
|
|
[Norm is angry.]
|
|
|
|
Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
|
|
-- Cheers, The Triangle
|
|
|
|
Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
|
|
and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
|
|
-- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
|
|
|
|
Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
|
|
Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
|
|
-- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
|
|
%
|
|
[Norm returns from the hospital.]
|
|
|
|
Coach: What's up, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
|
|
-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
|
|
|
|
Sam: What's new, Normie?
|
|
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
|
|
They're demanding beer.
|
|
-- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
|
|
|
|
Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
|
|
Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
|
|
-- Cheers, King of the Hill
|
|
%
|
|
[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
|
|
Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
|
|
All: Anton!
|
|
-- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
|
|
|
|
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
|
|
-- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
|
|
|
|
Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
|
|
Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
|
|
Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
|
|
-- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
|
|
%
|
|
Normal times may possibly be over forever.
|
|
%
|
|
Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
|
|
reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
|
|
although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
|
|
their courses.
|
|
-- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
|
|
%
|
|
Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
|
|
%
|
|
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
|
|
%
|
|
Not all men who drink are poets.
|
|
Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
|
|
%
|
|
Not all who own a harp are harpers.
|
|
-- Marcus Terentius Varro
|
|
%
|
|
Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
|
|
make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
|
|
%
|
|
Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
|
|
the capitalist mode of production.
|
|
-- Herbert Marcuse
|
|
%
|
|
Not every question deserves an answer.
|
|
%
|
|
Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
|
|
%
|
|
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
|
|
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
|
|
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
|
|
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
|
|
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
|
|
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
|
|
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
|
|
then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
|
|
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
|
|
-- Stanislaw Lem
|
|
%
|
|
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
|
|
ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
|
|
-- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
|
|
|
|
I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
|
|
-- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
|
|
%
|
|
Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
|
|
-- Rob Pike
|
|
%
|
|
Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
|
|
serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
|
|
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
|
|
%
|
|
Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
|
|
-- Spinoza
|
|
%
|
|
NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
|
|
All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
|
|
all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
|
|
features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
|
|
abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
|
|
attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
|
|
local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
|
|
invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
|
|
surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
|
|
electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
|
|
chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
|
|
premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
|
|
uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
|
|
and/or frogs falling from the sky.
|
|
%
|
|
Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
|
|
%
|
|
Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
|
|
wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
|
|
astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
|
|
unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
|
|
not to make any poultry jokes.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing can be done in one trip.
|
|
-- Snider
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing endures but change.
|
|
-- Heraclitus
|
|
[Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
|
|
proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
|
|
-- John Keats
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
|
|
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
|
|
satisfying as an income tax refund.
|
|
-- F.J. Raymond
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
|
|
Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
|
|
Or as finished as it seems in the end.
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is but what is not.
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
|
|
|
|
To prove this to yourself, try opening the
|
|
refrigerator door before the light comes on.
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
|
|
-- Andrew Young
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
|
|
-- A.H. Weiler
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
|
|
millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
|
|
-- Nero Wolfe
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
|
|
She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
|
|
-- Michel de Montaigne
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
|
|
-- Ebner-Eschenbach
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing lasts forever.
|
|
Where do I find nothing?
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
|
|
Conscience makes egotists of us all.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
|
|
-- Arthur Balfour
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing motivates a man more than to
|
|
see his boss put in an honest day's work.
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
|
|
repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
|
|
the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
|
|
which can be offered to a personality.
|
|
-- Soren Kierkegaard
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing recedes like success.
|
|
-- Walter Winchell
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
|
|
which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
|
|
-- Quentin Crisp
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing succeeds like excess.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing succeeds like success.
|
|
-- Alexandre Dumas
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
|
|
-- Christopher Lascl
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
|
|
-- Charlie Brown
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
|
|
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
|
|
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
|
|
And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
|
|
Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
|
|
She got from trying to fight
|
|
Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
|
|
[...]
|
|
Well nothing that's real is ever for free
|
|
And you just have to pay for it sometime.
|
|
She said it before, she said it to me,
|
|
I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
|
|
But the same old four imaginary walls
|
|
She'd built for livin' inside
|
|
I said oh, you just can't mean it.
|
|
[...]
|
|
Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
|
|
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
|
|
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
|
|
And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
|
|
But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
|
|
The veil that covered her eyes,
|
|
I said oh, you can leave it.
|
|
-- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
|
|
-- Kim Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
Nothing will ever be attempted
|
|
if all possible objections must be first overcome.
|
|
-- Dr. Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
NOTICE:
|
|
Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
|
|
be summarily put out.
|
|
%
|
|
NOTICE:
|
|
|
|
-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
|
|
|
|
(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
|
|
%
|
|
Nouvelle cuisine, n:
|
|
French for "not enough food".
|
|
|
|
Continental breakfast, n:
|
|
English for "not enough food".
|
|
|
|
Tapas, n:
|
|
Spanish for "not enough food".
|
|
|
|
Dim Sum, n:
|
|
Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
|
|
%
|
|
November:
|
|
The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
|
|
%
|
|
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
|
|
|
|
When comes the revolution, things will be different --
|
|
not better, just different.
|
|
%
|
|
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
|
|
%
|
|
Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
|
|
Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
|
|
-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
|
|
%
|
|
Now I lay me back to sleep.
|
|
The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
|
|
If he should stop before I wake,
|
|
Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
|
|
-- Anonymous
|
|
%
|
|
Now I lay me down to sleep
|
|
I pray the double lock will keep;
|
|
May no brick through the window break,
|
|
And, no one rob me till I awake.
|
|
%
|
|
Now I lay me down to sleep,
|
|
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
|
|
If I should die before I wake,
|
|
I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
|
|
%
|
|
Now I lay me down to study,
|
|
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
|
|
And if I fail to learn this junk,
|
|
I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
|
|
But if I do, don't pity me at all,
|
|
Just lay my bones in the study hall.
|
|
Tell my teacher I've done my best,
|
|
Then pile my books upon my chest.
|
|
%
|
|
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
|
|
-- Walt Kelly
|
|
%
|
|
Now is the time for drinking;
|
|
now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
|
|
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
|
|
%
|
|
Now it's time to say goodbye
|
|
To all our company...
|
|
M-I-C (see you next week!)
|
|
K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
|
|
M-O-U-S-E.
|
|
%
|
|
Now of my threescore years and ten,
|
|
Twenty will not come again,
|
|
And take from seventy springs a score,
|
|
It leaves me only fifty more.
|
|
|
|
And since to look at things in bloom
|
|
Fifty springs are little room,
|
|
About the woodlands I will go
|
|
To see the cherry hung with snow.
|
|
-- A.E. Housman
|
|
%
|
|
Now that day wearies me,
|
|
My yearning desire
|
|
Will receive more kindly,
|
|
Like a tired child, the starry night.
|
|
|
|
Hands, leave off your deeds,
|
|
Mind, forget all thoughts;
|
|
All of my forces
|
|
Yearn only to sink into sleep.
|
|
|
|
And my soul, unguarded,
|
|
Would soar on widespread wings,
|
|
To live in night's magical sphere
|
|
More profoundly, more variously.
|
|
-- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
|
|
%
|
|
Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
|
|
some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
|
|
her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
|
|
cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
|
|
|
|
1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
|
|
2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
|
|
exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
|
|
3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
|
|
without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
|
|
occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
|
|
you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
|
|
|
|
That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
|
|
%
|
|
Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
|
|
Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
|
|
were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST...
|
|
%
|
|
Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
|
|
or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
|
|
-- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
|
|
%
|
|
Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
|
|
you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
|
|
-- Casey Stengel
|
|
%
|
|
Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it
|
|
over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
|
|
the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
|
|
public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
|
|
emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
|
|
befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
|
|
melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
|
|
because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
|
|
reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity?
|
|
Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
|
|
reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as
|
|
if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a
|
|
tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity,
|
|
you should shop quickly.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Nowlan's Theory:
|
|
He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
|
|
the next freeway exit.
|
|
%
|
|
Now's the time to have some big ideas
|
|
Now's the time to make some firm decisions
|
|
We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
|
|
Talking politics and nuclear fission
|
|
We see him and he's all washed up --
|
|
Moving on into the body of a beetle
|
|
Getting ready for a long long crawl
|
|
He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
|
|
|
|
Death and Money make their point once more
|
|
In the shape of Philosophical assassins
|
|
Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
|
|
Deadly angels for reality and passion
|
|
Have the courage of the here and now
|
|
Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
|
|
When you think you got it paid in full
|
|
You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
|
|
We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
|
|
We know his name and he mustn't get away.
|
|
We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
|
|
It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
|
|
-- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
|
|
%
|
|
Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
|
|
-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
|
|
manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
|
|
Times, June 10, 1955.
|
|
%
|
|
[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
|
|
-- Edwin Meese III
|
|
%
|
|
Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
|
|
normal routines, for children and adults alike.
|
|
-- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
|
|
%
|
|
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
|
|
%
|
|
Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
|
|
%
|
|
Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
|
|
%
|
|
(null cookie; hope that's ok)
|
|
%
|
|
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
|
|
-- Seneca
|
|
%
|
|
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
|
|
%
|
|
Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
|
|
Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
|
|
Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
|
|
Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
|
|
%
|
|
Nusbaum's Rule:
|
|
The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
|
|
organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
|
|
Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
|
|
to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
|
|
%
|
|
O! If I were a fish
|
|
I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
|
|
Yes, that's my one and only wish --
|
|
To be a fish!
|
|
|
|
For fish don't ever mish;
|
|
They needn't flush after they pish!
|
|
Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
|
|
For all the fish!!!
|
|
%
|
|
O give me a home,
|
|
Where the buffalo roam,
|
|
Where the deer and the antelope play,
|
|
Where seldom is heard
|
|
A discouraging word,
|
|
'Cause what can an antelope say?
|
|
%
|
|
O imitators, you slavish herd!
|
|
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
|
|
%
|
|
O, it is excellent
|
|
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
|
|
To use it like a giant.
|
|
-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
|
|
%
|
|
O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
|
|
for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
|
|
%
|
|
O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
|
|
To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
|
|
Might we not smash it to bits
|
|
And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
|
|
-- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
|
|
%
|
|
Oatmeal raisin.
|
|
%
|
|
Objects are lost only because people
|
|
look where they are not rather than where they are.
|
|
%
|
|
O'Brian's Law:
|
|
Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
|
|
%
|
|
O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
|
|
thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
|
|
"How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
|
|
"Four."
|
|
"And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
|
|
then how many?"
|
|
"Four."
|
|
The word ended in a gasp of pain.
|
|
-- George Orwell
|
|
%
|
|
Observe yon plumed biped fine.
|
|
To activate its captivation,
|
|
Deposit on its termination,
|
|
A quantity of particles saline.
|
|
%
|
|
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
|
|
%
|
|
"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
|
|
-- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
|
|
1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
|
|
of the grandstands.
|
|
%
|
|
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
|
|
%
|
|
OCCAM'S ERASER:
|
|
The philosophical principle that even the simplest
|
|
solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
|
|
%
|
|
OCCIDENT:
|
|
The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
|
|
largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
|
|
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
|
|
which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
|
|
are the principal industries of the Orient.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
OCEAN:
|
|
A body of water occupying about two-thirds
|
|
of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
|
|
%
|
|
Odets, where is thy sting?
|
|
-- George S. Kaufman
|
|
%
|
|
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
|
|
%
|
|
Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
|
|
to know so much and have control over nothing.
|
|
-- Herodotus
|
|
%
|
|
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
|
|
-- Plato
|
|
%
|
|
Of all the words of witch's doom
|
|
There's none so bad as which and whom.
|
|
The man who kills both which and whom
|
|
Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
|
|
-- Fletcher Knebel
|
|
%
|
|
Of all things man is the measure.
|
|
-- Protagoras
|
|
%
|
|
Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
|
|
husband and wife.
|
|
%
|
|
Of course it's possible to love a human being
|
|
if you don't know them too well.
|
|
-- Charles Bukowski
|
|
%
|
|
Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
|
|
tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
|
|
-- Crazy Nigel
|
|
%
|
|
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
|
|
%
|
|
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
|
|
After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
|
|
%
|
|
Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
|
|
%
|
|
Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
|
|
TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
|
|
%
|
|
Office Automation:
|
|
The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
|
|
by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
|
|
%
|
|
Official Project Stages:
|
|
1. Uncritical Acceptance
|
|
2. Wild Enthusiasm
|
|
3. Dejected Disillusionment
|
|
4. Total Confusion
|
|
5. Search for the Guilty
|
|
6. Punishment of the Innocent
|
|
7. Promotion of the Non-participants
|
|
%
|
|
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
|
|
lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
|
|
%
|
|
Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
|
|
%
|
|
Ogden's Law:
|
|
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
|
|
-- Pink Floyd
|
|
%
|
|
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
|
|
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
|
|
And isn't your life extremely flat
|
|
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
|
|
%
|
|
Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
|
|
They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
|
|
"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
|
|
Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
|
|
|
|
Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
|
|
I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
|
|
"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
|
|
Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
|
|
|
|
Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
|
|
What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
|
|
"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
|
|
Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
|
|
|
|
Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
|
|
Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
|
|
"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
|
|
Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
|
|
%
|
|
Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
|
|
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
|
|
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
|
|
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
|
|
Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
|
|
see if I don't.
|
|
-- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, give me a home,
|
|
Where the buffalo roam,
|
|
And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
|
|
Where the three-body problem is solved,
|
|
Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
|
|
And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
|
|
We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
|
|
Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
|
|
Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
|
|
And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
|
|
If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
|
|
No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
|
|
When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
|
|
If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
|
|
I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
|
|
And living up here is a bore.
|
|
Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
|
|
'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
|
|
|
|
CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
|
|
Where the space debris always collects,
|
|
We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
|
|
Solar power and zero-gee sex.
|
|
-- to Home on the Range
|
|
%
|
|
Oh give me your pity!
|
|
I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
|
|
Which means that from morning And contend and defend
|
|
to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
|
|
|
|
We confer and concur,
|
|
We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
|
|
And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
|
|
And consider a load of reports.
|
|
|
|
We compose and propose,
|
|
We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
|
|
And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
|
|
There's terribly little gets done.
|
|
|
|
We resolve and absolve;
|
|
But we never dissolve,
|
|
Since it's out of the question for us
|
|
To bring our committee
|
|
To end like this ditty,
|
|
Which stops with a period, thus.
|
|
-- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
|
|
%
|
|
"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
|
|
dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
|
|
and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
|
|
you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
|
|
ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
|
|
wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
|
|
last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
|
|
buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
|
|
He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
|
|
and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
|
|
their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
|
|
another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
|
|
said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
|
|
know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
|
|
-- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
|
|
I muck with indices and structs all day
|
|
And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
|
|
Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, I am just a typical American boy
|
|
From a typical American town.
|
|
I believe in God and Senator Dodd
|
|
And keeping old Castro down.
|
|
And when it came my time to serve
|
|
I knew better dead than red,
|
|
But when I got to my old draft board,
|
|
Buddy this is what I said:
|
|
|
|
Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen
|
|
And I always carry a purse;
|
|
I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat
|
|
And my asthma's getting worse.
|
|
Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear
|
|
And my poor old invalid aunt;
|
|
Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school
|
|
And I'm working in a defense plant.
|
|
-- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, I could while away the hours,
|
|
Smoking herbs and flowers,
|
|
Shooting up my veins,
|
|
De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
|
|
Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
|
|
I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
|
|
If I dealt in good cocaine.
|
|
-- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
|
|
be irresponsible, too.
|
|
-- Lichty & Wagner
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
|
|
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
|
|
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
|
|
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
|
|
You have not dreamed of --
|
|
Wheeled and soared and swung
|
|
High in the sunlit silence.
|
|
Hovering there
|
|
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
|
|
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
|
|
Up, up along delirious, burning blue
|
|
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
|
|
Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
|
|
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
|
|
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
|
|
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
|
|
-- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
|
|
%
|
|
Oh I'm just a typical American boy
|
|
From a typical American town.
|
|
I believe in God and Senator Dodd
|
|
And keeping old Castro down.
|
|
And when it came my time to serve
|
|
I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
|
|
But when I got to my old draft board,
|
|
Buddy, this is what I said:
|
|
|
|
Chorus:
|
|
Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
|
|
And I always carry a purse!
|
|
I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
|
|
And my asthma's getting worse!
|
|
Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
|
|
And my poor old invalid aunt!
|
|
Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
|
|
And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
|
|
-- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
|
|
%
|
|
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
|
|
My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
|
|
Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
|
|
To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
|
|
arch-enemy -- and that is life.
|
|
-- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
|
|
it's what you do with what you have left.
|
|
-- Hubert H. Humphrey
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, so there you are!
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
|
|
He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
|
|
No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
|
|
He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
|
|
-- The Smothers Brothers
|
|
%
|
|
Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
|
|
-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
|
|
%
|
|
Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
|
|
Born under one law, to another bound.
|
|
-- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
|
|
%
|
|
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
|
|
-- Shakespeare
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, when I was in love with you,
|
|
Then I was clean and brave,
|
|
And miles around the wonder grew
|
|
How well did I behave.
|
|
|
|
And now the fancy passes by,
|
|
And nothing will remain,
|
|
And miles around they'll say that I
|
|
Am quite myself again.
|
|
-- A.E. Housman
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
|
|
you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
|
|
J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
|
|
you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
|
|
%
|
|
Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
|
|
%
|
|
Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
|
|
-- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
|
|
%
|
|
O.K., fine.
|
|
%
|
|
Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
|
|
just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
|
|
executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
|
|
the code over again, since I also removed the source.
|
|
%
|
|
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
|
|
%
|
|
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
|
|
-- B. Baruch
|
|
%
|
|
Old age is the harbor of all ills.
|
|
-- Bion
|
|
%
|
|
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
|
|
-- Trotsky
|
|
%
|
|
Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
|
|
%
|
|
Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
|
|
%
|
|
Old Japanese proverb:
|
|
There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
|
|
and those who climb it twice.
|
|
%
|
|
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
|
|
%
|
|
Old mail has arrived.
|
|
%
|
|
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
|
|
themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
|
|
-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
|
|
%
|
|
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
|
|
To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
|
|
When she got there, the cupboard was bare
|
|
And so was her daughter, I guess...
|
|
%
|
|
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
|
|
%
|
|
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
|
|
%
|
|
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
|
|
%
|
|
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
|
|
%
|
|
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
|
|
%
|
|
Old timer, n:
|
|
One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
|
|
%
|
|
Oliver's Law:
|
|
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
|
|
%
|
|
omnibiblious, adj.:
|
|
Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
|
|
I'm omnibiblious."
|
|
%
|
|
On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
|
|
%
|
|
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
|
|
-- P. Denning
|
|
%
|
|
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
|
|
|
|
"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
|
|
-- Wolfgang Pauli
|
|
%
|
|
On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
|
|
a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
|
|
|
|
[One is always a little afraid of love, but
|
|
above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
|
|
%
|
|
On ability:
|
|
A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
|
|
a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
|
|
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
|
|
%
|
|
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
|
|
nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
|
|
what it does.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
|
|
nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
|
|
what it does.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
|
|
car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
|
|
the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
|
|
"Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
|
|
you come any closer."
|
|
"But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
|
|
explained.
|
|
"OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
|
|
decapitation."
|
|
The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
|
|
pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
|
|
"That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
|
|
taller."
|
|
%
|
|
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
|
|
proposition that all men are created jerks.
|
|
-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
|
|
%
|
|
On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
|
|
same moment -- halftime.
|
|
%
|
|
On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
|
|
%
|
|
On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
|
|
girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
|
|
Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
|
|
and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
|
|
%
|
|
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without
|
|
a purpose, but never without a POINT.
|
|
%
|
|
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields' epitaph
|
|
%
|
|
On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
|
|
Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
|
|
come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
|
|
ideas that could provoke such a question.
|
|
-- Charles Babbage
|
|
%
|
|
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
|
|
and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
|
|
%
|
|
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
|
|
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
|
|
%
|
|
Once, adv.: Enough.
|
|
%
|
|
Once again dread deed is done.
|
|
Canon sleeps,
|
|
his all-knowing eye shaded
|
|
to human chance and circumstance.
|
|
Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
|
|
but Canon's sleep is troubled.
|
|
|
|
Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
|
|
Impatient hands wait eagerly
|
|
to grasp, to hold
|
|
scant moments of time
|
|
wrested from life in the full
|
|
glory of Canon's power;
|
|
held captive by his unblinking eye.
|
|
|
|
Three golden orbs stand watch;
|
|
one each to toll the day, hour, minute
|
|
until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
|
|
When that feared moment arrives,
|
|
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
|
|
It tolls for thee."
|
|
-- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
|
|
Valley Pawn Shop today"
|
|
%
|
|
Once Again From the Top
|
|
|
|
Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
|
|
reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
|
|
in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
|
|
lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
|
|
homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
|
|
he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
|
|
George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
|
|
inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
|
|
lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
|
|
vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
|
|
The Herald regrets the errors."
|
|
-- "The Progressive", March, 1987
|
|
%
|
|
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each
|
|
of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
|
|
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
|
|
called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
|
|
went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing
|
|
each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!"
|
|
or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
|
|
...
|
|
Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
|
|
with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers
|
|
have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
|
|
they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your
|
|
children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
|
|
that ought to shut them up.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir,
|
|
that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli
|
|
replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your
|
|
mistress".
|
|
%
|
|
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
|
|
-- Homer
|
|
%
|
|
Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
|
|
roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
|
|
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
|
|
the railroad yards."
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
|
|
counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
|
|
law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
|
|
%
|
|
Once I finally figured out all of life's
|
|
answers, they changed the questions.
|
|
%
|
|
Once, I read that a man be never stronger
|
|
than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
|
|
-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
|
|
%
|
|
Once is happenstance,
|
|
Twice is coincidence,
|
|
Three times is enemy action.
|
|
-- Auric Goldfinger
|
|
%
|
|
Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
|
|
sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
|
|
%
|
|
Once Law was sitting on the bench
|
|
And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
|
|
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
|
|
Nor come before me creeping.
|
|
Upon your knees if you appear,
|
|
'Tis plain you have no standing here."
|
|
|
|
Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
|
|
"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
|
|
"Amica curiae," she replied --
|
|
"Friend of the court, so please you."
|
|
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
|
|
I never saw your face before!"
|
|
%
|
|
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
|
|
infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
|
|
grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
|
|
possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
|
|
-- Rainer Rilke
|
|
%
|
|
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
|
|
-- H.R. Haldeman
|
|
%
|
|
Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
|
|
And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
|
|
And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
|
|
He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
|
|
And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
|
|
He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
|
|
And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
|
|
And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
|
|
And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
|
|
And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
|
|
The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
|
|
But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
|
|
Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
|
|
And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
|
|
But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
|
|
And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
|
|
When the day is done and the moon comes out,
|
|
And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
|
|
When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
|
|
And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
|
|
You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
|
|
Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
|
|
%
|
|
Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
|
|
a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
|
|
parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
|
|
to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
|
|
end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
|
|
page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
|
|
inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
|
|
was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
|
|
the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time there...
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
|
|
were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
|
|
to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
|
|
the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
|
|
just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
|
|
of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
|
|
sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
|
|
possession. And the moral of the story is:
|
|
|
|
The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
|
|
hit you.
|
|
%
|
|
Once upon this midnight incoherent,
|
|
While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
|
|
Over many a broken and subordinate
|
|
Volume of gnarly lore,
|
|
While I pestered, nearly singing,
|
|
Suddenly there came a hewing,
|
|
As of someone profusely skulking,
|
|
Skulking at my chamber door.
|
|
%
|
|
Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
|
|
%
|
|
Once you've tried to change the world you find
|
|
it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
|
|
%
|
|
"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
|
|
%
|
|
One Bell System - it sometimes works.
|
|
%
|
|
One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
|
|
%
|
|
One Bell System - it works.
|
|
%
|
|
One big pile is better than two little piles.
|
|
-- Arlo Guthrie
|
|
%
|
|
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
|
|
-- Helen Keller
|
|
%
|
|
One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
|
|
mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
|
|
-- J. Gustav White
|
|
%
|
|
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
|
|
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
|
|
%
|
|
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
|
|
%
|
|
One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
|
|
to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
|
|
a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
|
|
just stupid.
|
|
-- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
|
|
%
|
|
One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
|
|
attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
|
|
"Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
|
|
releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
|
|
The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
|
|
resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
|
|
border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
|
|
"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
|
|
"Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
|
|
Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
|
|
and march back home."
|
|
"But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
|
|
"I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
|
|
"OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
|
|
to Poland three times and never invade?"
|
|
The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
|
|
%
|
|
One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
|
|
flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
|
|
developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
|
|
parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
|
|
the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
|
|
revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
|
|
Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
|
|
world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
|
|
you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
|
|
there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
|
|
looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
|
|
life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
|
|
very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
|
|
just jumped out with my knapsack."
|
|
%
|
|
One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
|
|
truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
|
|
"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
|
|
which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
|
|
guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
|
|
is death by hanging."
|
|
"I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
|
|
"I don't believe you."
|
|
"Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
|
|
"But that would make it the truth!"
|
|
"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
|
|
%
|
|
One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
|
|
decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
|
|
mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
|
|
way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
|
|
make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
|
|
this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
|
|
A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
|
|
success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
|
|
actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
|
|
there a number of details to be figured out.
|
|
After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
|
|
looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
|
|
some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
|
|
track."
|
|
At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
|
|
pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
|
|
eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
|
|
the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
|
|
behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
|
|
IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
|
|
And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
|
|
harmonic motion..."
|
|
%
|
|
One day,
|
|
A mad meta-poet,
|
|
With nothing to say,
|
|
Wrote a mad meta-poem
|
|
That started: "One day,
|
|
A mad meta-poet,
|
|
With nothing to say,
|
|
Wrote a mad meta-poem
|
|
That started: "One day,
|
|
[...]
|
|
sort of close".
|
|
Were the words that the poet,
|
|
Finally chose,
|
|
To bring his mad poem,
|
|
To some sort of close".
|
|
Were the words that the poet,
|
|
Finally chose,
|
|
To bring his mad poem,
|
|
To some sort of close".
|
|
%
|
|
One difference between a man and a machine
|
|
is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
|
|
%
|
|
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
|
|
-- Larry Gelbart
|
|
%
|
|
One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
|
|
Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
|
|
conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
|
|
merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
|
|
his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
|
|
Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
|
|
full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
|
|
been havin' all these years."
|
|
Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
|
|
Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
|
|
totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
|
|
drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
|
|
passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
|
|
with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
|
|
Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
|
|
head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
|
|
years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
|
|
%
|
|
One expresses well the love he does not feel.
|
|
-- J.A. Karr
|
|
%
|
|
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
|
|
%
|
|
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
|
|
-- George Herbert
|
|
%
|
|
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
|
|
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
|
|
a rivalry of aim.
|
|
-- Henry Brook Adams
|
|
%
|
|
One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
|
|
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
|
|
%
|
|
One good reason why computers can do more work than
|
|
people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
|
|
%
|
|
One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
|
|
%
|
|
One good thing about music,
|
|
Well, it helps you feel no pain.
|
|
So hit me with music;
|
|
Hit me with music now.
|
|
-- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
|
|
%
|
|
One good turn asketh another.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
One good turn deserves another.
|
|
-- Gaius Petronius
|
|
%
|
|
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
|
|
%
|
|
One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
|
|
and end up with the atomic bomb.
|
|
-- Marcel Pagnol
|
|
%
|
|
One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
|
|
-- Confucius
|
|
%
|
|
One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
|
|
-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
|
|
%
|
|
One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
|
|
-- Gustave Droz
|
|
%
|
|
ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
|
|
ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
|
|
%
|
|
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
|
|
%
|
|
One man's constant is another man's variable.
|
|
-- A.J. Perlis
|
|
%
|
|
One man's folly is another man's wife.
|
|
-- Helen Rowland
|
|
%
|
|
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
|
|
"Supernatural" is a null word.
|
|
%
|
|
One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
|
|
-- George M. Cohan
|
|
%
|
|
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
|
|
%
|
|
One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
|
|
can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
|
|
-- Clifton Fadiman
|
|
%
|
|
One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
|
|
%
|
|
One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
|
|
without laughing.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
|
|
%
|
|
One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
|
|
%
|
|
One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
|
|
one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
|
|
percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
|
|
simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
|
|
nobody can touch him.
|
|
-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
|
|
%
|
|
One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
|
|
advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
|
|
mathematics.
|
|
-- N. Wiener
|
|
%
|
|
One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
|
|
enough to give you presents they make at school.
|
|
-- Robert Byrne
|
|
%
|
|
One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
|
|
unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
|
|
-- Joyce Carol Oates
|
|
%
|
|
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
|
|
do and always a clever thing to say.
|
|
-- Will Durant
|
|
%
|
|
One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
|
|
Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
|
|
to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
|
|
be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
|
|
to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
|
|
understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
|
|
reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
|
|
time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
|
|
puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
|
|
genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
|
|
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
|
|
%
|
|
One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
|
|
foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
|
|
-- Joe Martin
|
|
%
|
|
One of the most striking differences between a
|
|
cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
|
|
need no answer.
|
|
-- George Gordon, Lord Byron
|
|
%
|
|
One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
|
|
seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
|
|
way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
|
|
in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
|
|
imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
|
|
%
|
|
One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
|
|
once had a publisher shot.
|
|
-- Siegfried Unseld
|
|
%
|
|
One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
|
|
%
|
|
One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
|
|
thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
|
|
the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
|
|
hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
|
|
laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
|
|
To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
|
|
happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
|
|
And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
|
|
-- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
|
|
%
|
|
One organism, one vote.
|
|
%
|
|
One person's error is another person's data.
|
|
%
|
|
One picture is worth 128K words.
|
|
%
|
|
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
|
|
-- Chinese proverb
|
|
%
|
|
One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
|
|
And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
|
|
And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
|
|
Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
|
|
Go ask Alice Call Alice
|
|
When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
|
|
|
|
When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
|
|
Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
|
|
And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
|
|
mushroom backwards
|
|
And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
|
|
Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
|
|
I think she'll know. Feed your head.
|
|
Feed your head.
|
|
Feed your head.
|
|
-- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
|
|
%
|
|
One planet is all you get.
|
|
%
|
|
One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
|
|
is that there never was a plan in the first place.
|
|
%
|
|
One possible reason why things aren't going
|
|
according to plan is that there never was a plan.
|
|
%
|
|
One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
|
|
manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be
|
|
installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your
|
|
congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how
|
|
the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when
|
|
he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would
|
|
inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the
|
|
plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman
|
|
proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be
|
|
designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.")
|
|
This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public
|
|
would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem
|
|
is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500
|
|
members of congress.
|
|
%
|
|
One reason why George Washington
|
|
Is held in such veneration:
|
|
He never blamed his problems
|
|
On the former Administration.
|
|
-- George O. Ludcke
|
|
%
|
|
One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
|
|
should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
|
|
to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
|
|
virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
|
|
and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
|
|
many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
|
|
people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
|
|
is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
|
|
-- Ronald Reagan
|
|
%
|
|
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
|
|
%
|
|
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
ONE SIZE FITS ALL:
|
|
Doesn't fit anyone.
|
|
%
|
|
One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
|
|
%
|
|
One thing about the past.
|
|
It's likely to last.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
|
|
my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
|
|
warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
|
|
cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
|
|
|
|
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
|
|
late.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
One thing the inventors can't seem to
|
|
get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
|
|
%
|
|
One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
|
|
sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
|
|
terror.
|
|
-- W.K. Hartmann
|
|
%
|
|
One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
|
|
%
|
|
One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
|
|
speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
|
|
going to be out that long."
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
|
|
One toke over the line,
|
|
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
|
|
One toke over the line.
|
|
Waitin' for the train that goes home,
|
|
Hopin' that the train is on time,
|
|
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
|
|
One toke over the line.
|
|
%
|
|
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
|
|
%
|
|
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
|
|
the stake while the votes were being counted.
|
|
-- Thomas B. Reed
|
|
%
|
|
One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
|
|
because they bite.
|
|
-- Vladimir Lenin
|
|
%
|
|
One-Shot Case Study, n:
|
|
The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
|
|
it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
|
|
%
|
|
On-line:
|
|
The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
|
|
%
|
|
Only a fool has no doubts.
|
|
%
|
|
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
|
|
-- Laurence Peter
|
|
%
|
|
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
|
|
%
|
|
Only fools are quoted.
|
|
-- Anonymous
|
|
%
|
|
Only God can make random selections.
|
|
%
|
|
Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
|
|
-- The Unnamed Usenetter
|
|
%
|
|
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
|
|
essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
|
|
-- Alex Levine
|
|
|
|
[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
|
|
hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
|
|
to use the editorial "we".
|
|
%
|
|
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
|
|
smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
|
|
%
|
|
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
|
|
-- Baba Ram Dass
|
|
%
|
|
Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
|
|
placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
|
|
and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
|
|
food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
|
|
unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
|
|
and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
|
|
modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
|
|
that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
|
|
postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
|
|
the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
|
|
May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
|
|
-- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
|
|
%
|
|
Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
|
|
-- Hannah Arendt
|
|
%
|
|
Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
|
|
busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
|
|
%
|
|
Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
|
|
a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
|
|
or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
|
|
happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
|
|
windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
|
|
peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
|
|
-- Sicilian police officer
|
|
%
|
|
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
|
|
of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
|
|
%
|
|
Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
|
|
%
|
|
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
|
|
%
|
|
Onward through the fog.
|
|
%
|
|
Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
|
|
%
|
|
Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
|
|
-- Debbie VanDam
|
|
%
|
|
Opium is very cheap considering you don't
|
|
feel like eating for the next six days.
|
|
-- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
|
|
%
|
|
Oppernockity tunes but once.
|
|
%
|
|
Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
|
|
work, so most people don't recognize them.
|
|
%
|
|
Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
|
|
talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
|
|
crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
|
|
them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
|
|
%
|
|
Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
|
|
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
|
|
%
|
|
Optimism, n:
|
|
The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
|
|
and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
|
|
those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
|
|
with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
|
|
to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
|
|
but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
|
|
%
|
|
OPTIMIST:
|
|
A proponent of the belief that black is white.
|
|
|
|
A pessimist asked God for relief.
|
|
"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
|
|
"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
|
|
would justify them."
|
|
"The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
|
|
something -- the mortality of the optimist."
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
OPTIMIST:
|
|
Someone who goes down to the marriage
|
|
bureau to see if his license has expired.
|
|
%
|
|
optimist, n:
|
|
A bagpiper with a beeper.
|
|
%
|
|
Optimization hinders evolution.
|
|
%
|
|
Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.
|
|
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
|
|
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
|
|
-- J. Wellington Wells
|
|
%
|
|
Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
|
|
-- Germaine Greer
|
|
%
|
|
Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
|
|
%
|
|
Order and simplification are the first steps toward
|
|
mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
|
|
-- Thomas Mann
|
|
%
|
|
OREGON:
|
|
Eighty billion gallons of water with
|
|
no place to go on Saturday night.
|
|
%
|
|
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
|
|
Cleanliness is next to impossible
|
|
%
|
|
Oreo
|
|
%
|
|
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
|
|
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
|
|
-- Mike Adams
|
|
%
|
|
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
|
|
to people you could not have possibly met.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
|
|
%
|
|
Osborn's Law:
|
|
Variables won't; constants aren't.
|
|
%
|
|
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
|
|
%
|
|
Other women cloy
|
|
The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
|
|
Where most she satisfies.
|
|
-- Antony and Cleopatra
|
|
%
|
|
Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
|
|
%
|
|
Others will look to you for stability,
|
|
so hide when you bite your nails.
|
|
%
|
|
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
|
|
Murphy was an optimist.
|
|
%
|
|
Ouch! That felt good!
|
|
-- Karen Gordon
|
|
%
|
|
"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
|
|
system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
|
|
|
|
"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
|
|
any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
|
|
-- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988
|
|
%
|
|
Our business in life is not to succeed
|
|
but to continue to fail in high spirits.
|
|
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
|
|
%
|
|
Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
|
|
local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash
|
|
award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
|
|
His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
|
|
by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
|
|
home-made, hand-held model.
|
|
|
|
Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
|
|
to the Pentagon free of charge:
|
|
|
|
a. Don't kill anybody.
|
|
b. Don't build things that do.
|
|
c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
|
|
|
|
We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
|
|
-- Sojourners
|
|
%
|
|
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
|
|
but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
|
|
%
|
|
Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.
|
|
He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both
|
|
holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only
|
|
*he* had a lollipop.
|
|
He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
|
|
Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's
|
|
what it means to be a programmer."
|
|
%
|
|
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
|
|
continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
|
|
emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
|
|
did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
|
|
Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
|
|
to have been quite real.
|
|
-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
|
|
%
|
|
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
|
|
%
|
|
Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
|
|
-- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
|
|
%
|
|
Our little systems have their day;
|
|
They have their day and cease to be;
|
|
They are but broken lights of thee.
|
|
-- Tennyson
|
|
%
|
|
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
|
|
Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
|
|
In kernel as it is in user.
|
|
%
|
|
Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
|
|
to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
|
|
rain, we were punished.
|
|
-- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
|
|
%
|
|
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
|
|
-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
|
|
%
|
|
Our problems are so serious that the best
|
|
way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
|
|
%
|
|
Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
|
|
We their sons are more worthless than they:
|
|
so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
|
|
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
|
|
%
|
|
Our swords shall play the orators for us.
|
|
-- Christopher Marlowe
|
|
%
|
|
Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
|
|
In all of the directions it can whiz;
|
|
As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
|
|
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
|
|
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
|
|
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
|
|
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
|
|
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
|
|
-- General Omar N. Bradley
|
|
%
|
|
Ours is a world where people don't know what they
|
|
want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
|
|
%
|
|
Out of sight is out of mind.
|
|
-- Arthur Clough
|
|
%
|
|
Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
|
|
-- Immanuel Kant
|
|
%
|
|
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
|
|
%
|
|
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too
|
|
dark to read.
|
|
%
|
|
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too
|
|
dark to read.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
|
|
dark to read.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
Over the shoulder supervision is more a
|
|
need of the manager than the programming task.
|
|
%
|
|
Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
|
|
complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
|
|
rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
|
|
errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
|
|
design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
|
|
result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
|
|
problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
|
|
system.
|
|
-- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage
|
|
Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and
|
|
Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
|
|
%
|
|
Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
|
|
continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
|
|
powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
|
|
victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
|
|
move?'
|
|
-- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
|
|
%
|
|
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
|
|
%
|
|
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
|
|
%
|
|
Overheard:
|
|
"How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
|
|
%
|
|
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
|
|
%
|
|
Owe no man any thing...
|
|
-- Romans 13:8
|
|
%
|
|
Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
|
|
concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
|
|
oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
|
|
much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
|
|
concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
|
|
takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
|
|
for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
|
|
oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
|
|
process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
|
|
always fatal.
|
|
|
|
However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
|
|
fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
|
|
sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
|
|
considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
|
|
symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
|
|
|
|
Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
|
|
the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
|
|
due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
|
|
in question.
|
|
|
|
Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
|
|
tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
|
|
too late.
|
|
-- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
|
|
%
|
|
Ozman's Laws:
|
|
(1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
|
|
(2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
|
|
(3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
|
|
(4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
|
|
%
|
|
paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
|
|
a vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
|
|
patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
|
|
Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
|
|
shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
|
|
sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
|
|
tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
|
|
or as a vegetable.
|
|
troopa, n: A state policeman.
|
|
Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
|
|
yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
|
|
-- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
|
|
%
|
|
PAIN:
|
|
Falling out of a twenty story building,
|
|
and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
|
|
%
|
|
PAIN:
|
|
One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
|
|
%
|
|
PAIN:
|
|
Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
|
|
%
|
|
Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
|
|
%
|
|
Pandora's Rule:
|
|
Never open a box you didn't close.
|
|
%
|
|
panic: can't find /
|
|
%
|
|
panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
|
|
%
|
|
Paprika Measure:
|
|
|
|
2 dashes == 1smidgen
|
|
2 smidgens == 1 pinch
|
|
3 pinches == 1 soupcon
|
|
2 soupcons == too much paprika
|
|
%
|
|
Paralysis through analysis.
|
|
%
|
|
PARANOIA:
|
|
A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
|
|
%
|
|
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
|
|
%
|
|
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
|
|
%
|
|
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
|
|
%
|
|
Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
|
|
Now ... just try to find out where!
|
|
%
|
|
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
|
|
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
|
|
-- D.J. Hicks
|
|
%
|
|
Pardon me while I laugh.
|
|
%
|
|
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
|
|
didn't have much of anything to do with it.
|
|
%
|
|
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
|
|
If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
|
|
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
|
|
%
|
|
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
|
|
The number of people in any working group tends to increase
|
|
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
|
|
%
|
|
Parsley is gharsley.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
|
|
%
|
|
PARTY:
|
|
A gathering where you meet people who drink
|
|
so much you can't even remember their names.
|
|
%
|
|
Pascal:
|
|
A programming language named after a man who would turn over
|
|
in his grave if he knew about it.
|
|
-- Datamation, January 15, 1984
|
|
%
|
|
Pascal:
|
|
A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his
|
|
grave if he knew about it.
|
|
%
|
|
Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
|
|
-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
|
|
%
|
|
Pascal is not a high-level language.
|
|
-- Steven Feiner
|
|
%
|
|
Pascal Users:
|
|
The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
|
|
Please modify your programs accordingly.
|
|
%
|
|
Pascal Users:
|
|
To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
|
|
death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
|
|
%
|
|
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
|
|
-- Eric Hoffer
|
|
%
|
|
Password:
|
|
%
|
|
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
|
|
%
|
|
Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
|
|
unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
|
|
All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
|
|
eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
|
|
CREEPING things...
|
|
Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
|
|
P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
|
|
can get in.
|
|
A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
|
|
P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
|
|
CATERPILLARS!
|
|
[...]
|
|
P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
|
|
a LITTLE SQUIRREL?
|
|
A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
|
|
P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
|
|
A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
|
|
Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
|
|
P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
|
|
A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
|
|
par for the course, Charlie.
|
|
-- Firesign Theatre
|
|
%
|
|
Patch griefs with proverbs.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
|
|
%
|
|
patent:
|
|
A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
|
|
%
|
|
"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
|
|
(crosses stream)
|
|
"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
|
|
-- Eyeore
|
|
%
|
|
Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
|
|
%
|
|
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
|
|
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
|
|
%
|
|
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
|
|
-- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
|
|
|
|
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
|
|
resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
|
|
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
|
|
When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
|
|
he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
|
|
-- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
|
|
|
|
Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
|
|
-- Boies Penrose
|
|
%
|
|
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
|
|
-- Gauss
|
|
%
|
|
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
|
|
%
|
|
Paulg's Law:
|
|
In America, it's not how much an
|
|
item costs, it's how much you save.
|
|
%
|
|
Paul's Law:
|
|
You can't fall off the floor.
|
|
%
|
|
Pause for storage relocation.
|
|
%
|
|
paycheck:
|
|
The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
|
|
withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
|
|
medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
|
|
Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
|
|
%
|
|
Payeen to a Twang
|
|
Derrida
|
|
Ore-Ida
|
|
potato.
|
|
|
|
If you dared,
|
|
I'd ask you
|
|
to go dig
|
|
up your ides under brown-
|
|
tubered skies.
|
|
|
|
where pitchforked
|
|
you will ask
|
|
Derrida?
|
|
%
|
|
Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
|
|
%
|
|
Peace cannot be kept by force; it
|
|
can only be achieved by understanding.
|
|
-- A. Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
Peace is much more precious than a piece
|
|
of land... let there be no more wars.
|
|
-- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
|
|
%
|
|
Peace, n:
|
|
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
|
|
periods of fighting.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Peanut Blossoms
|
|
|
|
4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
|
|
4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
|
|
4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
|
|
8 eggs 4 tsp. soda
|
|
4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
|
|
|
|
Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
|
|
cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
|
|
each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
|
|
to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
|
|
%
|
|
Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
|
|
Never eat rutabaga on any day of
|
|
the week that has a "y" in it.
|
|
%
|
|
pediddel:
|
|
A car with only one working headlight.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
|
|
when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
|
|
baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
|
|
diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
|
|
at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
|
|
Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
|
|
motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
|
|
base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
|
|
What is it?"
|
|
"I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
|
|
hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
|
|
Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
|
|
to Sax.'"
|
|
-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
|
|
%
|
|
Peeping Tom:
|
|
A window fan.
|
|
%
|
|
Peers's Law:
|
|
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
|
|
%
|
|
Pelorat sighed.
|
|
"I will never understand people."
|
|
"There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
|
|
at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
|
|
worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
|
|
if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
|
|
weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
|
|
people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
|
|
-- no offense intended."
|
|
-- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
|
|
%
|
|
Penguin Trivia #46:
|
|
Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
|
|
%
|
|
PENGUINICITY!!
|
|
%
|
|
pension:
|
|
A federally insured chain letter.
|
|
%
|
|
People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
|
|
attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
|
|
suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
|
|
case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
|
|
only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
|
|
tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
|
|
%
|
|
People are always available for work in the past tense.
|
|
%
|
|
People are beginning to notice you.
|
|
Try dressing before you leave the house.
|
|
%
|
|
People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
|
|
%
|
|
People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
|
|
%
|
|
People don't change; they only become more so.
|
|
%
|
|
People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times,
|
|
four times...
|
|
%
|
|
People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
|
|
times, four time, five times...
|
|
%
|
|
People in general do not willingly read
|
|
if they have anything else to amuse them.
|
|
-- S. Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
|
|
election.
|
|
-- Otto von Bismarck
|
|
%
|
|
People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
|
|
rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
|
|
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
People often find it easier to be a
|
|
result of the past than a cause of the future.
|
|
%
|
|
People respond to people who respond.
|
|
%
|
|
People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
|
|
*know* me there!
|
|
-- D.L. Roth
|
|
%
|
|
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
|
|
have been left out on the pleasure.
|
|
-- Russell Baker
|
|
%
|
|
People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
|
|
absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
|
|
public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
|
|
the concentration camps.
|
|
%
|
|
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
|
|
%
|
|
People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
|
|
to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
|
|
it too.
|
|
%
|
|
People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
|
|
-- Ken Kesey
|
|
%
|
|
People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
|
|
%
|
|
People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
|
|
much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
|
|
-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
|
|
%
|
|
People who claim they don't let little things bother
|
|
them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
|
|
%
|
|
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
|
|
-- Abigail Van Buren
|
|
%
|
|
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
|
|
%
|
|
People who have no faults are terrible;
|
|
there is no way of taking advantage of them.
|
|
%
|
|
People who have what they want are very fond of telling
|
|
people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
|
|
%
|
|
People who push both buttons should get their wish.
|
|
%
|
|
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
|
|
%
|
|
People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
|
|
cold baths.
|
|
%
|
|
People who think they know everything
|
|
greatly annoy those of us who do.
|
|
%
|
|
People will accept your ideas much more readily if
|
|
you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
|
|
%
|
|
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
|
|
%
|
|
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
|
|
%
|
|
People's Action Rules:
|
|
(1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
|
|
(2) Some people who should, won't.
|
|
(3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
|
|
(4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
|
|
(5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
|
|
%
|
|
Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
|
|
-- R.W. Hamming
|
|
%
|
|
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
|
|
[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
|
|
or
|
|
[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
|
|
-- Aelius Donatus
|
|
%
|
|
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
|
|
%
|
|
perfect guest:
|
|
One who makes his host feel at home.
|
|
%
|
|
Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
|
|
anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
|
|
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
|
|
%
|
|
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything
|
|
to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
|
|
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
|
|
%
|
|
Performance:
|
|
A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
|
|
rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
|
|
to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
|
|
%
|
|
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
|
|
I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
|
|
poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
|
|
-- Thomas Macaulay
|
|
%
|
|
Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
|
|
%
|
|
Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
|
|
behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
|
|
order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
|
|
fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
|
|
%
|
|
Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
|
|
being a bore.
|
|
-- Cecil Beaton
|
|
%
|
|
Perilous to all of us are the devices of
|
|
an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
|
|
-- Gandalf the Grey
|
|
%
|
|
Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
|
|
upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
|
|
nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
|
|
news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
|
|
the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
|
|
prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
|
|
periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
|
|
negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
|
|
periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
|
|
on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
|
|
case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
|
|
nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
|
|
proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
|
|
civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
|
|
by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
|
|
indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
|
|
instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
|
|
developments."
|
|
-- Fowler's English Usage
|
|
%
|
|
Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
|
|
a merit in political leaders.
|
|
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
|
|
%
|
|
Personifiers of the world, unite!
|
|
You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
|
|
-- Bernadette Bosky
|
|
%
|
|
Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
|
|
%
|
|
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
|
|
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
|
|
to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
|
|
-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
|
|
%
|
|
pessimist:
|
|
A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
|
|
wolf from the door.
|
|
|
|
optimist:
|
|
A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
|
|
his pants.
|
|
|
|
opportunist:
|
|
A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
|
|
%
|
|
Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
|
|
Waiter: Who told you?
|
|
Pete: A little swallow.
|
|
%
|
|
Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
|
|
%
|
|
Peter's Law of Substitution:
|
|
Look after the molehills, and the
|
|
mountains will look after themselves.
|
|
|
|
Peter's Principle of Success:
|
|
Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
|
|
|
|
Peter's Principle:
|
|
In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
|
|
his incompetence.
|
|
%
|
|
Peterson's Admonition:
|
|
When you think you're going down for the third time --
|
|
just remember that you may have counted wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
Peterson's Rules:
|
|
(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
|
|
are filled with something sticky.
|
|
(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
|
|
(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
|
|
(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
|
|
%
|
|
petribar:
|
|
Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
|
|
the window of a vending machine too long.
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
Phasers locked on target, Captain.
|
|
%
|
|
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so
|
|
because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.
|
|
%
|
|
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
|
|
%
|
|
philosophy:
|
|
The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
|
|
%
|
|
philosophy:
|
|
Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
|
|
%
|
|
Phone call for chucky-pooh.
|
|
%
|
|
phosflink:
|
|
To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
|
|
will bring it back to life).
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Photographing a volcano is just about
|
|
the most miserable thing you can do.
|
|
-- Robert B. Goodman
|
|
[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
|
|
farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
|
|
chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
|
|
%
|
|
Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
|
|
I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
|
|
Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
|
|
She left me not knowing what to do.
|
|
|
|
Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
|
|
Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
|
|
The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
|
|
Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
|
|
|
|
Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
|
|
I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
|
|
Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
|
|
With knowing I got noone left to blame.
|
|
Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
|
|
|
|
Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
|
|
I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
|
|
I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
|
|
From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
|
|
-- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
|
|
%
|
|
Pickle's Law:
|
|
If Congress must do a painful thing,
|
|
the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
|
|
%
|
|
Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
|
|
Not one damn thing do we solve.
|
|
-- 1776
|
|
%
|
|
Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
|
|
%
|
|
Piece of cake!
|
|
-- G.S. Koblas
|
|
%
|
|
pig, n:
|
|
An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
|
|
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
|
|
inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
|
|
ruthless in punishing little thieves.
|
|
-- Diogenes
|
|
%
|
|
Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
|
|
-- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
|
|
%
|
|
Piping down the valleys wild,
|
|
Piping songs of pleasant glee,
|
|
On a cloud I saw a child,
|
|
And he laughing said to me:
|
|
"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
|
|
So I piped with merry cheer.
|
|
"Piper, pipe that song again;"
|
|
So I piped: he wept to hear.
|
|
-- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
|
|
%
|
|
Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
|
|
the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
|
|
outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
|
|
-- Love and Rockets
|
|
%
|
|
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
|
|
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
|
|
by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
|
|
and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
|
|
and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
|
|
small animals.
|
|
%
|
|
PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
|
|
Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
|
|
Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
|
|
else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
|
|
get run over by a bus.
|
|
%
|
|
PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
|
|
You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
|
|
It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
|
|
job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
|
|
a car.
|
|
%
|
|
pixel, n:
|
|
A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
|
|
The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
|
|
Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
|
|
intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
|
|
%
|
|
P-K4
|
|
%
|
|
PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more
|
|
to the problem set than to the solution set.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
Plagiarize, plagiarize,
|
|
Let no man's work evade your eyes,
|
|
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
|
|
Don't shade your eyes,
|
|
But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
|
|
Only be sure to call it research.
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer
|
|
%
|
|
Planet Claire has pink hair.
|
|
All the trees are red.
|
|
No one ever dies there.
|
|
No one has a head....
|
|
%
|
|
Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
|
|
Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
|
|
-- Green Lantern Comics
|
|
%
|
|
Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
|
|
because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
|
|
couldn't compete successfully with poets.
|
|
-- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell"
|
|
%
|
|
PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
|
|
What develops when two people get
|
|
tired of making love to each other.
|
|
%
|
|
Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
|
|
%
|
|
Please don't put a strain on our friendship
|
|
by asking me to do something for you.
|
|
%
|
|
Please don't recommend me to your friends--
|
|
it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
|
|
%
|
|
PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
|
|
|
|
Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
|
|
emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
|
|
%
|
|
Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
|
|
I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
|
|
%
|
|
Please go away.
|
|
%
|
|
Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
|
|
%
|
|
Please ignore previous fortune.
|
|
%
|
|
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
|
|
%
|
|
Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
|
|
%
|
|
Please remain calm, it's no use both of
|
|
us being hysterical at the same time.
|
|
%
|
|
Please stand for the Nation Anthem:
|
|
|
|
O Canada
|
|
Our home and native land
|
|
True patriot love
|
|
In all thy sons' command
|
|
With glowing hearts we see thee rise
|
|
The true north strong and free
|
|
From far and wide, O Canada
|
|
We stand on guard for thee
|
|
God keep our land glorious and free
|
|
O Canada we stand on guard for thee
|
|
O Canada we stand on guard for thee
|
|
|
|
Thank you. You may resume your seat.
|
|
%
|
|
Please stand for the National Anthem:
|
|
|
|
Australian's all, let us rejoice,
|
|
For we are young and free.
|
|
We've golden soil and wealth for toil
|
|
Our home is girt by sea.
|
|
Our land abounds in nature's gifts
|
|
Of beauty rich and rare.
|
|
In history's page, let every stage
|
|
Advance Australia Fair.
|
|
In joyful strains then let us sing,
|
|
Advance Australia Fair.
|
|
|
|
Thank you. You may resume your seat.
|
|
%
|
|
Please stand for the National Anthem:
|
|
|
|
God save our Gracious Queen!
|
|
Long live our Noble Queen!
|
|
God save the Queen!
|
|
Send her victorious,
|
|
Happy and glorious,
|
|
Long to reign o'er us!
|
|
God save the Queen!
|
|
|
|
Thank you. You may resume your seat.
|
|
%
|
|
Please stand for the National Anthem:
|
|
|
|
Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
|
|
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
|
|
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
|
|
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
|
|
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
|
|
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
|
|
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
|
|
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
|
|
|
|
Thank you. You may resume your seat.
|
|
%
|
|
Please take note:
|
|
%
|
|
Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
|
|
until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
|
|
we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
|
|
-- N. Meyrowitz
|
|
%
|
|
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
|
|
%
|
|
PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
|
|
solution set.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
|
|
%
|
|
Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
|
|
of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
|
|
an uncontainable experience.
|
|
-- R.S. Knapp
|
|
%
|
|
PLUG IT IN!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
|
|
%
|
|
Pohl's law:
|
|
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
|
|
%
|
|
poisoned coffee, n:
|
|
Grounds for divorce.
|
|
%
|
|
Poland has gun control.
|
|
%
|
|
Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
|
|
teach children.
|
|
-- W.H. Auden
|
|
%
|
|
Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
|
|
here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
|
|
-- Alfred E. Neuman
|
|
%
|
|
Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates
|
|
can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
|
|
%
|
|
POLITICIAN:
|
|
From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or
|
|
"face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
|
|
Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
|
|
-- Martin Pitt
|
|
%
|
|
Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
|
|
to build a bridge even where there is no river.
|
|
-- Nikita Khrushchev
|
|
%
|
|
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
|
|
-- Arthur C. Clarke
|
|
%
|
|
Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
|
|
been, and never will be wrong.
|
|
-- Walter Dwight
|
|
%
|
|
Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
|
|
funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
|
|
-- Oscar Ameringer
|
|
%
|
|
Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
|
|
without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
|
|
for politics.
|
|
-- Albert Camus
|
|
%
|
|
Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
|
|
dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
|
|
systematic organisation of hatreds.
|
|
-- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
|
|
%
|
|
Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
|
|
enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
|
|
%
|
|
Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
|
|
between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
|
|
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
|
|
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
|
|
-- Ronald Reagan
|
|
%
|
|
Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
|
|
week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
|
|
explain why it didn't happen.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
Politics, like religion, hold up the
|
|
torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
%
|
|
Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
|
|
-- Amy Gorin
|
|
%
|
|
politics, n:
|
|
A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
|
|
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
|
|
The hyperactive child is never absent.
|
|
%
|
|
POLYGON:
|
|
Dead parrot.
|
|
%
|
|
Polymer physicists are into chains.
|
|
%
|
|
Poorman's Rule:
|
|
When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
|
|
package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
|
|
pull it open.
|
|
%
|
|
Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
|
|
Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
|
|
smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
|
|
on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
|
|
possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
|
|
|
|
Half a pound of tuppenny rice
|
|
Half a pound of treacle
|
|
That's the way the chimney smokes
|
|
Pope Goestheveezl
|
|
|
|
The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
|
|
streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
|
|
functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
|
|
Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
Populus vult decipi.
|
|
[The people like to be deceived.]
|
|
%
|
|
Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
|
|
-- Risky Business
|
|
%
|
|
POSITIVE:
|
|
Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
|
|
%
|
|
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
|
|
-- Ryan
|
|
%
|
|
Post proelium, praemium.
|
|
[After the battle, the reward.]
|
|
%
|
|
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
|
|
%
|
|
Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
|
|
|
|
SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
|
|
left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
|
|
populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
|
|
him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
|
|
line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
|
|
|
|
FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
|
|
fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
|
|
unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
|
|
with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
|
|
with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
|
|
diets that are driving them crazy.
|
|
|
|
FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
|
|
Except with sour cream.
|
|
%
|
|
Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
|
|
|
|
THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
|
|
McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
|
|
to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
|
|
behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
|
|
|
|
A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
|
|
rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
|
|
of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
|
|
general butter-melting by all.
|
|
|
|
FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
|
|
Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
|
|
%
|
|
POVERTY:
|
|
An unfortunate state that persists as long
|
|
as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
|
|
%
|
|
Poverty begins at home.
|
|
%
|
|
Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
|
|
poor people.
|
|
-- Don Herold
|
|
%
|
|
POWER:
|
|
The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
|
|
%
|
|
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
|
|
-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
|
|
%
|
|
Power is poison.
|
|
%
|
|
Power is the finest token of affection.
|
|
%
|
|
Power, like a desolating pestilence,
|
|
Pollutes whate'er it touches...
|
|
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley
|
|
%
|
|
Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
|
|
-- Lord Acton
|
|
%
|
|
PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
|
|
%
|
|
Practical people would be more practical if
|
|
they would take a little more time for dreaming.
|
|
-- J.P. McEvoy
|
|
%
|
|
Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
|
|
-- Henry Adams
|
|
%
|
|
Practically perfect people never permit
|
|
sentiment to muddle their thinking.
|
|
-- Mary Poppins
|
|
%
|
|
Practice is the best of all instructors.
|
|
-- Publilius
|
|
%
|
|
Practice yourself what you preach.
|
|
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
|
|
%
|
|
PRAIRIES:
|
|
Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
|
|
%
|
|
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
|
|
-- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
|
|
%
|
|
Praise the sea; on shore remain.
|
|
-- John Florio
|
|
%
|
|
pray, n:
|
|
To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
|
|
of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
|
|
-- Russian Proverb
|
|
%
|
|
Predestination was doomed from the start.
|
|
%
|
|
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
|
|
-- Niels Bohr
|
|
%
|
|
Prejudice:
|
|
A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
|
|
-- D.E. Knuth
|
|
%
|
|
Preserve the old, but know the new.
|
|
%
|
|
Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
|
|
%
|
|
Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
|
|
%
|
|
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
|
|
pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
|
|
%
|
|
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
|
|
of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
|
|
-- The Washington Post
|
|
%
|
|
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
|
|
%
|
|
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
|
|
It's on the other side.
|
|
%
|
|
Price's Advice:
|
|
It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
|
|
%
|
|
[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
|
|
the working man, he loves to see him work.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
|
|
largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
|
|
For having it off with his Mater;
|
|
Revenge Dad or not?
|
|
That's the gist of the plot,
|
|
And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
|
|
-- Stanley J. Sharpless
|
|
%
|
|
Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
|
|
taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
|
|
all I know.
|
|
-- Prof. J.H. Finley '25
|
|
%
|
|
Priority:
|
|
A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
|
|
expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
|
|
care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
|
|
badly than someone else.
|
|
%
|
|
Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
|
|
-- Blake
|
|
%
|
|
Prizes are for children.
|
|
-- Charles Ives,
|
|
upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
|
|
%
|
|
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
|
|
%
|
|
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
|
|
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
|
|
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
|
|
Because she's unable to postulate How.
|
|
-- Frederick Winsor
|
|
%
|
|
PROBLEM DRINKER:
|
|
A man who never buys.
|
|
%
|
|
Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
|
|
And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
|
|
for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
|
|
I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
|
|
-- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
|
|
%
|
|
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
|
|
%
|
|
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
|
|
midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
|
|
Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
|
|
has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
|
|
%
|
|
PROGRAM:
|
|
Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
|
|
day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
|
|
"sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
|
|
always justifies hiring at least three more people.
|
|
%
|
|
program, n:
|
|
A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
|
|
into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
|
|
one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
|
|
%
|
|
Programmers do it bit by bit.
|
|
%
|
|
Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
|
|
without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
|
|
-- D.M. Ritchie
|
|
%
|
|
Programming Department:
|
|
Mistakes made while you wait.
|
|
%
|
|
Programming is an unnatural act.
|
|
%
|
|
PROGRESS:
|
|
Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
|
|
invading the body and taking possession of it.
|
|
|
|
Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
|
|
and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
|
|
%
|
|
Progress is impossible without change, and those who
|
|
cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Progress means replacing a theory that
|
|
is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
|
|
-- James Thurber
|
|
%
|
|
Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
|
|
%
|
|
Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
|
|
%
|
|
PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
|
|
A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
|
|
level where they can't foul up operations.
|
|
%
|
|
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
|
|
%
|
|
Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
|
|
|
|
This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
|
|
techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
|
|
|
|
SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
|
|
|
|
We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
|
|
for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
|
|
as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
|
|
trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
|
|
take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
|
|
QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
|
|
%
|
|
Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
|
|
SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
|
|
[1] Horses have an even number of legs.
|
|
[2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
|
|
[3] This makes a total of six legs,
|
|
which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse.
|
|
[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
|
|
[5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
|
|
|
|
Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
|
|
intimidation,
|
|
gesticulation (handwaving),
|
|
"try it; it works",
|
|
constipation (I was just sitting there and...),
|
|
blatant assertion,
|
|
changing all the 2's to n's,
|
|
mutual consent,
|
|
lack of a counterexample, and,
|
|
"it stands to reason".
|
|
%
|
|
Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
|
|
but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
|
|
-- Darrell Huff
|
|
%
|
|
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
Prototype designs always work.
|
|
-- Don Vonada
|
|
%
|
|
prototype, n.
|
|
First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
|
|
pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
|
|
upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
|
|
prototype is not expected to work.
|
|
%
|
|
Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
|
|
where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
|
|
%
|
|
Prunes give you a run for your money.
|
|
%
|
|
Pryor's Observation:
|
|
How long you live has nothing to do
|
|
with how long you are going to be dead.
|
|
%
|
|
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
|
|
shortcomings.
|
|
-- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
|
|
%
|
|
Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
|
|
%
|
|
Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
|
|
a therapy.
|
|
-- Karl Kraus
|
|
|
|
Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
|
|
|
|
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
|
|
-- C.G. Jung
|
|
%
|
|
psychologist, n:
|
|
Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
|
|
into a room.
|
|
%
|
|
Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
|
|
Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
|
|
Biologists think they're biochemists.
|
|
Biochemists think they're chemists.
|
|
Chemists think they're physical chemists.
|
|
Physical chemists think they're physicists.
|
|
Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
|
|
Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
|
|
Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
|
|
Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
|
|
Philosophers think they're gods.
|
|
%
|
|
Psychology. Mind over matter.
|
|
Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
|
|
Never mind.
|
|
%
|
|
Public use of any portable music system is a
|
|
virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
|
|
-- Zoso
|
|
%
|
|
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
|
|
a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
|
|
%
|
|
Pudder's Law:
|
|
Anything that begins well will end badly.
|
|
(Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
|
|
%
|
|
Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
|
|
%
|
|
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
|
|
spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate
|
|
that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person
|
|
on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are
|
|
thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
|
|
passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
|
|
have plenty of food and water.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
PURGE COMPLETE.
|
|
%
|
|
PURITAN:
|
|
Someone who is deathly afraid that
|
|
someone, somewhere, is having fun.
|
|
%
|
|
Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
|
|
%
|
|
PURPITATION:
|
|
To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
|
|
don't want it, and then put it in another section.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
|
|
%
|
|
Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
|
|
%
|
|
Pushing forty is exercise enough.
|
|
%
|
|
Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
|
|
Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
|
|
Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
|
|
-- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
|
|
of Texas.
|
|
%
|
|
Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
|
|
-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
|
|
%
|
|
Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Put another password in,
|
|
Bomb it out, then try again.
|
|
Try to get past logging in,
|
|
We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
|
|
|
|
Try his first wife's maiden name,
|
|
This is more than just a game.
|
|
It's real fun, but just the same,
|
|
It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
|
|
%
|
|
Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
|
|
%
|
|
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
|
|
%
|
|
Put your best foot forward.
|
|
Or just call in and say you're sick.
|
|
%
|
|
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
|
|
%
|
|
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
|
|
-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
|
|
%
|
|
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
|
|
%
|
|
Putt's Law:
|
|
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
|
|
Those who understand what they do not manage.
|
|
Those who manage what they do not understand.
|
|
%
|
|
Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Are we not men?
|
|
A: We are Vaxen.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
|
|
A: One per person.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
|
|
A: He got re-possessed!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
|
|
A: With three more bullets.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
|
|
your wife?
|
|
A: You have to wait 22 months.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
|
|
in a hurricane?
|
|
A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
|
|
A: When his lips move.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
|
|
A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.
|
|
|
|
Q: But how did he get back down?
|
|
A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
|
|
A: Unique up on it!
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
|
|
A: The tame way!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
|
|
%
|
|
Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
|
|
A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
|
|
A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you make an elephant float?
|
|
A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you play religious roulette?
|
|
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
|
|
struck by lightning first.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
|
|
A: Throw him a rock.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
|
|
A: With a blue-elephant gun.
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
|
|
A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
|
|
a blue-elephant gun.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
|
|
A: Take away his credit cards.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
|
|
doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
|
|
A: He changes the domain.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
|
|
A: She asks them for a commitment.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
|
|
A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
|
|
of license fee (binary only).
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
|
|
done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
|
A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
|
|
experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
|
|
lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
|
|
|
|
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
|
|
those Californians trying to share the experience.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
|
A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
|
|
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
|
|
|
|
Q: How long does it take?
|
|
A: It's indeterminate.
|
|
It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
|
|
|
|
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
|
|
A: They replace your generator.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
|
|
A: One more than you can find.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
|
|
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
|
|
|
|
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
|
|
A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
|
|
|
|
Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
|
|
A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
|
|
|
|
Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
|
|
A: The door won't shut.
|
|
|
|
Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
|
|
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
|
A: None. We'll fix it in software.
|
|
|
|
Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A: None. The application can work around it.
|
|
|
|
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
|
A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
|
|
|
|
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
|
A: None. The user can figure it out.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
|
A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
|
|
A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
|
|
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
|
|
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
|
|
of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
|
|
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
|
|
consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
|
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
|
|
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
|
|
to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
|
|
reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
|
|
the bulb in the first place.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
|
|
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
|
|
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
|
|
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
|
|
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
|
|
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
|
|
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
|
|
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
|
|
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
|
|
parties.
|
|
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
|
|
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
|
|
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
|
|
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
|
|
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
|
|
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
|
|
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
|
|
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
|
|
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
|
|
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
|
|
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
|
|
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
|
|
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
|
|
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
|
|
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
|
|
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
|
|
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
|
|
you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
|
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
|
A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
|
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
|
|
to the earlier joke.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
|
|
light bulb?
|
|
A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
|
|
the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
|
|
Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
|
|
that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
|
|
around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
|
|
that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
|
|
the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
|
|
from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
|
|
Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
|
|
beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
|
|
killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
|
|
As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
|
|
Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
|
|
warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
|
|
and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
|
|
just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
|
|
given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
|
|
and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
|
|
bulb?
|
|
A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
|
|
witness.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
|
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
|
|
out from under him.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
|
|
to really want to change.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
|
|
A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
|
|
the ship out of disgrace."
|
|
|
|
[Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans unless ready for
|
|
a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
|
|
pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
|
|
with brightly colored machine tools.
|
|
|
|
[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
|
A: One.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
|
|
A: 2 bits.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
|
|
A: 9 edge down.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
|
|
and putting wings on an elephant is?
|
|
A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
|
|
A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
|
|
bottles into the typewriter.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
|
|
What should I do?
|
|
|
|
A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
|
|
believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
|
|
be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you
|
|
can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to
|
|
see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good
|
|
enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who
|
|
really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the
|
|
whole net right away!
|
|
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
|
|
A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
|
|
|
|
Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
|
|
sunglasses?
|
|
A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
|
|
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
|
|
they go down on you.
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
|
|
A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
|
|
puzzle in only 6 months?
|
|
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
|
|
A: The very best person they can possibly be.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do monsters eat?
|
|
A: Things.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do monsters drink?
|
|
A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
|
|
A: The impossible dream.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
|
|
A: Rule the country.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
|
|
A: The same middle name.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
|
|
A: A dope ring.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
|
|
A: To cover up the valve stem.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
|
|
A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
|
|
A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
|
|
A: A stick.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
|
|
A: An interpreter.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
|
|
A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
|
|
A: A wind tunnel.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
|
|
A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
|
|
|
|
[I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
|
|
Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
|
|
eating fruit, and singing?
|
|
A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
|
|
A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
|
|
A: A good start.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
|
|
is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
|
|
A: A deep C diva.
|
|
%
|
|
Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
|
|
A. A Christian Science Monitor.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
|
|
lawyer, and believes in social causes?
|
|
A: A failure.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
|
|
you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
|
|
A: A howdah duty.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
|
|
sheep bites you?
|
|
A: Ewe nicks.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
|
|
A: An offer you can't understand.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
|
|
A: Hot cross bunnies!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
|
|
A: Not enough sand.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning?
|
|
A: She goes home.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
|
|
A: To keep her neck warm.
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
|
|
A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
|
|
A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
|
|
a delicious dessert.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
|
|
A: Open other end.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
|
|
A: Exploding sheep.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
|
|
A: A dinner party.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
|
|
A: Moby Pickle.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
|
|
A: Feet.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
|
|
A: A ball point carrot.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
|
|
A: Open other end.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is purple and commutes?
|
|
A: A boolean grape.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is purple and commutes?
|
|
A: An Abelian grape.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is purple and concord the world?
|
|
A: Alexander the Grape.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
|
|
existentialist?"
|
|
A: "Is there a dog?"
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is the difference between a duck?
|
|
A: One leg is both the same.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
|
|
A: Yogurt has culture.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
|
|
A: Her bowling shoes.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
|
|
A: I think I'm drunk.
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
|
|
A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
|
|
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
|
|
A: Mu.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
|
|
A: A nervous wreck.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
|
|
plays like a monkey?
|
|
A: Nothing.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
|
|
A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
|
|
A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
|
|
A: A doberman.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
|
|
A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
|
|
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
|
|
A: Artificial intelligence.
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
|
|
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
|
|
%
|
|
Q. What's the capital of Canada?
|
|
A. American.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
|
|
lawyer in the road?
|
|
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
|
|
A: You can't get down off an elephant.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
|
|
A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
|
|
A: The moustache.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
|
|
A: One more drunk.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
|
|
A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
|
|
%
|
|
Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
|
|
A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
|
|
A: A canary with the super-user password.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
|
|
A: Zorn's Lemon.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
|
|
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
|
|
A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
|
|
A: Lawn Boy.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
|
|
A: Because they're worth it!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
|
|
A: Because he was hungry.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
|
|
A: To see what was on the other side.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
|
|
A: More head room.
|
|
|
|
Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
|
|
A: She opens the car door.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
|
|
A: He was giving it last rites.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
|
|
A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
|
|
A: To get to the other slide.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
|
|
A: To get to the other slide.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
|
|
A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
|
|
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
|
|
A: Because that was her name.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
|
|
A: To get to the middle.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
|
|
A: To stamp out forest fires.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
|
|
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
|
|
A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
|
|
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
|
|
A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
|
|
Oh, right, *of course*!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
|
|
A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
|
|
an eye on the two intellectuals.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
|
|
New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
|
|
A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
|
|
A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
|
|
A: To keep their ankles warm.
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
|
|
A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
|
|
A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
|
|
A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
|
|
it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
|
|
visiting, they always take three.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
|
|
A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
|
|
gets all the credit.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
|
|
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
|
|
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
|
|
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
|
|
A: All the blondes have gone home!
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
|
|
A: There's white-out on the screen.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
|
|
soup in a plate?
|
|
A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
|
|
A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
|
|
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
|
|
A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
|
|
%
|
|
Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
|
|
A: The Titanic had a band.
|
|
%
|
|
QED.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
All I want is more than my fair share.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Dead people are good at running because they don't
|
|
have to stop and breathe."
|
|
-- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"East is east... and let's keep it that way."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
|
|
I go to work."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
|
|
save the earth!
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Her other car is a broom."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
|
|
her to cook."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
|
|
other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
|
|
ball in their court.
|
|
-- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
|
|
didn't work."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
|
|
horse with one of the horns broken off."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
|
|
it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
|
|
the lost."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
|
|
dog for dinner."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
|
|
golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
If it's too loud, you're too old.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
|
|
|
|
[I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
|
|
stations anymore."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
|
|
hands in his own pockets."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It's been Monday all week today."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
|
|
the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
|
|
them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
|
|
strike. To make less money."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
|
|
all of my stuff."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
|
|
trivial."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Let's do it."
|
|
-- Gary Gilmore
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
|
|
mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
|
|
on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
|
|
-- Goodstein, States of Matter
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
|
|
her husband work."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
|
|
a fake?"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Our parents were never our age."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
|
|
shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"She's about as smart as bait."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Silence is the only virtue he has left.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
|
|
I do what I get paid to do.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
|
|
neck to get the dog to play with it."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
|
|
the snakes have gone away.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
|
|
left."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
|
|
think he was broken!"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
|
|
when I mess things up."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
|
|
"baring your neck."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
|
|
Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
|
|
How... tribal."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
|
|
to late to punish.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
|
|
then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
|
|
-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
|
|
-- Kathy Ireland
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency
|
|
on my part.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
|
|
%
|
|
QOTD:
|
|
The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
|
|
gerbil has more dark meat.
|
|
%
|
|
Quack!
|
|
Quack!! Quack!!
|
|
%
|
|
Quality control:
|
|
Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
|
|
and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
|
|
%
|
|
QUALITY CONTROL:
|
|
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a
|
|
production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
|
|
%
|
|
Quantity is no substitute for quality,
|
|
but its the only one we've got.
|
|
%
|
|
Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
|
|
-- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
|
|
%
|
|
Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
|
|
%
|
|
QUARK:
|
|
The sound made by a well bred duck.
|
|
%
|
|
Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
|
|
%
|
|
Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
|
|
exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
|
|
devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
|
|
from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
|
|
Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
|
|
weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
|
|
reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
|
|
-- Dennis Miller
|
|
%
|
|
Question:
|
|
Man Invented Alcohol,
|
|
God Invented Grass.
|
|
Whom do you trust?
|
|
%
|
|
question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
|
|
-- Wm. Shakespeare
|
|
%
|
|
QUESTION AUTHORITY.
|
|
|
|
(Sez who?)
|
|
%
|
|
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
|
|
they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
|
|
%
|
|
Questionable day.
|
|
Ask somebody something.
|
|
%
|
|
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
|
|
%
|
|
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.
|
|
|
|
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
|
|
%
|
|
Quigley's Law:
|
|
Whoever has any authority over you,
|
|
no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
|
|
%
|
|
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
|
|
-- Robert Orben
|
|
%
|
|
Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
|
|
After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
|
|
%
|
|
Qvid me anxivs svm?
|
|
%
|
|
Radicalism:
|
|
The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
|
|
-- A. Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
|
|
READY
|
|
>_
|
|
%
|
|
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
|
|
%
|
|
Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
rain falls where clouds come
|
|
sun shines where clouds go
|
|
clouds just come and go
|
|
-- Florian Gutzwiller
|
|
%
|
|
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
|
|
%
|
|
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
|
|
%
|
|
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
|
|
%
|
|
Ralph's Observation:
|
|
It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
|
|
realise that you are in a hurry.
|
|
%
|
|
RAM wasn't built in a day.
|
|
%
|
|
Random, n:
|
|
as in number, predictable.
|
|
as in memory access, unpredictable.
|
|
%
|
|
Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
|
|
%
|
|
Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
|
|
-- Errol Flynn
|
|
%
|
|
Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
|
|
saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
|
|
magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
|
|
bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
|
|
secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
|
|
when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
|
|
insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
|
|
before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
|
|
A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
|
|
engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
|
|
-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
|
|
%
|
|
Razors pain you;
|
|
Rivers are damp;
|
|
Acids stain you;
|
|
And drugs cause cramp.
|
|
Guns aren't lawful;
|
|
Nooses give;
|
|
Gas smells awful;
|
|
You might as well live.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
|
|
%
|
|
Re: Graphics:
|
|
A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
|
|
the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
|
|
described with pictures.
|
|
%
|
|
Reach into the thoughts of friends,
|
|
And find they do not know your name.
|
|
Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
|
|
And watch the feathers burst the seams.
|
|
Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
|
|
And feel its chill upon your blood.
|
|
Hold a candle to the night,
|
|
And see the darkness bend the flame.
|
|
Tear the mask of peace from God,
|
|
And hear the roar of souls in hell.
|
|
Pluck a rose in name of love,
|
|
And watch the petals curl and wilt.
|
|
Lean upon the western wind,
|
|
And know you are alone.
|
|
-- Dru Mims
|
|
%
|
|
Reactor error - core dumped!
|
|
%
|
|
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
|
|
%
|
|
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
|
|
%
|
|
Reagan can't act either.
|
|
%
|
|
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
|
|
limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
|
|
so poor at I/O.
|
|
%
|
|
Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
|
|
`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
|
|
(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
|
|
%
|
|
Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
|
|
could they read their mail?
|
|
%
|
|
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
|
|
future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
|
|
will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
|
|
%
|
|
Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they
|
|
find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to
|
|
implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are
|
|
still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
|
|
%
|
|
Real programmers don't document; if it was
|
|
hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
|
|
%
|
|
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
|
|
illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
|
|
good it did them.
|
|
%
|
|
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
|
|
%
|
|
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
|
|
you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
|
|
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
|
|
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
|
|
%
|
|
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
|
|
FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
|
|
%
|
|
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
|
|
programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
|
|
%
|
|
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
|
|
%
|
|
Real programs don't eat cache.
|
|
%
|
|
Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
|
|
use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
|
|
%
|
|
Real wealth can only increase.
|
|
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
|
|
%
|
|
Real World, The n.:
|
|
1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be
|
|
used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
|
|
programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to
|
|
programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie
|
|
and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location
|
|
of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's
|
|
left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence
|
|
there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world
|
|
is not unlike talking about a deceased person.
|
|
%
|
|
Reality -- what a concept!
|
|
-- Robin Williams
|
|
%
|
|
Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
|
|
%
|
|
Reality does not exist - yet.
|
|
%
|
|
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
|
|
%
|
|
Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
|
|
%
|
|
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
|
|
cannot be fooled.
|
|
-- R.P. Feynman
|
|
%
|
|
Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
|
|
%
|
|
Reappraisal, n:
|
|
An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
|
|
%
|
|
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
|
|
%
|
|
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being
|
|
flat broke and having a stomach ache.
|
|
-- Dolph Sharp
|
|
%
|
|
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
|
|
%
|
|
Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
|
|
is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
|
|
-- C.N. Parkinson
|
|
%
|
|
Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
|
|
his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
|
|
"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
|
|
microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
|
|
bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
|
|
Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
|
|
Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
|
|
"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
|
|
-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
|
|
%
|
|
Reception area, n:
|
|
The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
|
|
innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
|
|
magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
|
|
while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
|
|
Cosmopolitan.
|
|
%
|
|
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
|
|
lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
|
|
but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
|
|
Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
|
|
%
|
|
Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
|
|
(1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
|
|
(2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
|
|
Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
|
|
(3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
|
|
mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
|
|
(4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
|
|
(5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
|
|
Qualactin Hypermint extract.
|
|
(6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
|
|
(7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
|
|
(8) Add an olive.
|
|
(9) Drink... but... very carefully...
|
|
%
|
|
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
|
|
Take not a single bit!
|
|
It used to point to me,
|
|
Now I'm protecting it.
|
|
It was the reader's CONS
|
|
That made it, paired by dot;
|
|
Now, GC, for the nonce,
|
|
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
|
|
%
|
|
Recursion is the root of computation
|
|
since it trades description for time.
|
|
%
|
|
Recursion: n. See Recursion.
|
|
-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
|
|
%
|
|
Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
|
|
administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
|
|
%
|
|
Regnant populi.
|
|
%
|
|
Regression analysis:
|
|
Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
|
|
getting worse.
|
|
%
|
|
Reichel's Law:
|
|
A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
|
|
an outside force.
|
|
%
|
|
Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
|
|
-- Thomas Berger
|
|
%
|
|
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
|
|
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
|
|
%
|
|
Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
|
|
knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
|
|
%
|
|
...relaxed in the manner of a man who
|
|
has no need to put up a front of any kind.
|
|
-- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
|
|
%
|
|
Reliable source, n:
|
|
The guy you just met.
|
|
%
|
|
Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
|
|
-- Anatole France
|
|
%
|
|
Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
|
|
%
|
|
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
|
|
-- Napoleon
|
|
%
|
|
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
|
|
%
|
|
Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
|
|
extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
|
|
-- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
|
|
Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
|
|
%
|
|
Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
|
|
%
|
|
Remember Darwin; building a better
|
|
mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
|
|
%
|
|
Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
|
|
with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
|
|
deserts.
|
|
-- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
|
|
%
|
|
Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
|
|
-- Jim Samuels
|
|
%
|
|
Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
|
|
have an established user base.
|
|
%
|
|
Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
|
|
the first one.
|
|
-- Confusion
|
|
%
|
|
"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
|
|
*not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
|
|
-- Good Morning Vietnam
|
|
%
|
|
Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
|
|
that you're the one holding it.
|
|
-- Mr. Greenfatigues
|
|
%
|
|
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
|
|
-- Dave Butler
|
|
%
|
|
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
|
|
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
|
|
%
|
|
Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
|
|
-- Hans Liepmann
|
|
%
|
|
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
|
|
it could only be worse in Cleveland.
|
|
%
|
|
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
|
|
%
|
|
Remember the... the... uhh.....
|
|
%
|
|
Remember thee
|
|
Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
|
|
In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
|
|
Yea, from the table of my memory
|
|
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
|
|
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
|
|
That youth and observation copied there.
|
|
-- William Shakespear, "Hamlet"
|
|
%
|
|
Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
|
|
%
|
|
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
|
|
-- Mt.
|
|
%
|
|
Remember: use logout to logout.
|
|
%
|
|
Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
|
|
-- Chinese proverb
|
|
%
|
|
Remove me from this land of slaves,
|
|
Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
|
|
Where every knave and fool is bought,
|
|
Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
|
|
-- Jonathan Swift
|
|
%
|
|
Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
|
|
does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
|
|
%
|
|
Renning's Maxim:
|
|
Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
|
|
%
|
|
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
|
|
-- Indiana University footbal cheer
|
|
%
|
|
Reply hazy, ask again later.
|
|
%
|
|
Reporter:
|
|
A writer who guesses his way to the truth
|
|
and dispels it with a tempest of words.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
|
|
Yogi Berra: "Closed."
|
|
%
|
|
Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
|
|
Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
|
|
%
|
|
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
|
|
Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
|
|
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
|
|
%
|
|
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
|
|
Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
|
|
|
|
Democrats eat the fish they catch.
|
|
Republicans hang them on the wall.
|
|
|
|
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
|
|
Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
|
|
|
|
Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
|
|
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
|
|
|
|
Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
|
|
That is why there are more Democrats.
|
|
-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
|
|
%
|
|
Reputation, adj:
|
|
What others are not thinking about you.
|
|
%
|
|
Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
|
|
you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
|
|
so you're still a valiant nerd.
|
|
%
|
|
Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
|
|
and think what nobody else has thought.
|
|
%
|
|
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
|
|
-- Wernher von Braun
|
|
%
|
|
Research, n:
|
|
Consider Columbus:
|
|
He didn't know where he was going.
|
|
When he got there he didn't know where he was.
|
|
When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
|
|
And he did it all on someone else's money.
|
|
%
|
|
Resisting temptation is easier when you
|
|
think you'll probably get another chance later on.
|
|
%
|
|
Responsibility:
|
|
Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
|
|
a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
|
|
goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
|
|
is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
|
|
-- Cerebus, "On Governing"
|
|
%
|
|
Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
|
|
actually have a shot at it.
|
|
%
|
|
Reunite Gondwanaland!
|
|
%
|
|
Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
|
|
Bobby: Slow down.
|
|
Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
|
|
Bobby: Slow down.
|
|
Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
|
|
%
|
|
Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
|
|
%
|
|
Revenge is a meal best served cold.
|
|
%
|
|
Review Questions
|
|
|
|
1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
|
|
and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
|
|
he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
|
|
Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
|
|
|
|
2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
|
|
twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
|
|
every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
|
|
his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
|
|
|
|
3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
|
|
the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
|
|
a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
|
|
Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
|
|
%
|
|
Revolution, n:
|
|
A form of government abroad.
|
|
%
|
|
Revolution, n:
|
|
In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
revolutionary, adj:
|
|
Repackaged.
|
|
%
|
|
Rhode's Law:
|
|
When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
|
|
or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
|
|
circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
|
|
estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
|
|
of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
|
|
personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
|
|
above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
|
|
adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
|
|
and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
|
|
assume otherwise, maybe.
|
|
%
|
|
Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
|
|
should be happier than others.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
|
|
He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
|
|
lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
|
|
world.
|
|
-- Senator Barry Goldwater
|
|
%
|
|
Riches cover a multitude of woes.
|
|
-- Menander
|
|
%
|
|
Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
|
|
Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
|
|
going on here."
|
|
Croupier (handing money to Renault):
|
|
"Your winnings, sir."
|
|
Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
|
|
-- Casablanca
|
|
%
|
|
Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
|
|
Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
|
|
%
|
|
"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
|
|
machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
|
|
rights, which they use or do not use.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
Ring around the collar.
|
|
%
|
|
Ritchie's Rule:
|
|
(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
|
|
(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
|
|
(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
|
|
%
|
|
Robot, n:
|
|
Someone who's been made by a scientist.
|
|
%
|
|
Robot, n:
|
|
University administrator.
|
|
%
|
|
Robustness, adj:
|
|
Never having to say you're sorry.
|
|
%
|
|
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
|
|
Unless the results are known in advance,
|
|
funding agencies will reject the proposal.
|
|
%
|
|
Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
|
|
become necessary.
|
|
-- Edgar Friedenberg
|
|
%
|
|
Rome was not built in one day.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
|
|
%
|
|
Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
|
|
He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
|
|
Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
|
|
Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
|
|
-- Elvis Costello
|
|
%
|
|
Roses are red;
|
|
Violets are blue.
|
|
I'm schizophrenic,
|
|
And so am I.
|
|
%
|
|
Rotten wood cannot be carved.
|
|
-- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
|
|
%
|
|
Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
|
|
-- Zero Mostel
|
|
%
|
|
Round Numbers are always false.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
|
|
%
|
|
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
|
|
%
|
|
Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
|
|
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
|
|
%
|
|
Rudd's Discovery:
|
|
You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
|
|
$300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
|
|
stay in Washington and make it there.
|
|
%
|
|
Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
|
|
%
|
|
Rudin's Law:
|
|
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
|
|
do it every time.
|
|
|
|
Rudin's Second Law:
|
|
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
|
|
courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
|
|
course.
|
|
%
|
|
rugby, n:
|
|
Elegant violence.
|
|
|
|
(Rugby players eat their dead.)
|
|
(Blood makes the grass grow!)
|
|
(Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
|
|
|
|
[A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
RUGGED:
|
|
Too heavy to lift.
|
|
%
|
|
Rule #1:
|
|
The Boss is always right.
|
|
|
|
Rule #2:
|
|
If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
|
|
%
|
|
Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
|
|
Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
|
|
not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
|
|
sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
|
|
regain their composure.
|
|
%
|
|
Rule of Creative Research:
|
|
1) Never draw what you can copy.
|
|
2) Never copy what you can trace.
|
|
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
|
|
%
|
|
Rule of Defactualization:
|
|
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
|
|
%
|
|
Rule of Feline Frustration:
|
|
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
|
|
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
|
|
bathroom.
|
|
%
|
|
Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
|
|
%
|
|
Rule of the Great:
|
|
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
|
|
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
|
|
%
|
|
Rule the Empire through force.
|
|
-- Shogun Tokugawa
|
|
%
|
|
Rules for driving in New York:
|
|
1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
|
|
2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
|
|
3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
|
|
intersection.
|
|
%
|
|
Rules for Good Grammar #4.
|
|
1: Don't use no double negatives.
|
|
2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
|
|
3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
|
|
4: About them sentence fragments.
|
|
5: When dangling, watch your participles.
|
|
6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
|
|
7: Just between you and i, case is important.
|
|
8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
|
|
9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
|
|
10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
|
|
11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
|
|
12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
|
|
13: Correct speling is essential.
|
|
14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
|
|
15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
|
|
careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
|
|
become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
|
|
%
|
|
Rules for Writers:
|
|
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
|
|
negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
|
|
and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
|
|
omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
|
|
unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
|
|
a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
|
|
Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
|
|
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
|
|
us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
|
|
snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
|
|
told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
|
|
avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
|
|
phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
|
|
death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
|
|
%
|
|
RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
|
|
1. Never eat on an empty stomach.
|
|
2. Never leave the table hungry.
|
|
3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
|
|
4. Enjoy your food.
|
|
5. Enjoy your companion's food.
|
|
6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
|
|
accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
|
|
7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for
|
|
example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
|
|
Which feels better against your cheeks?
|
|
8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
|
|
9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can
|
|
always eat it later.
|
|
10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
|
|
11. Avoid blue food.
|
|
-- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith"
|
|
%
|
|
Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
Rune's Rule:
|
|
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
|
|
%
|
|
Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
|
|
-- John Cameron Swayze
|
|
%
|
|
Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
|
|
he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
|
|
-- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
|
|
from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
|
|
Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
|
|
%
|
|
Ryan's Law:
|
|
Make three correct guesses consecutively
|
|
and you will establish yourself as an expert.
|
|
%
|
|
Sacher's Observation:
|
|
Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
|
|
%
|
|
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
|
|
%
|
|
SADISM:
|
|
A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
|
|
%
|
|
sadoequinecrophilia, n:
|
|
Beating a dead horse.
|
|
%
|
|
Safety Third.
|
|
%
|
|
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
|
|
Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
|
|
|
|
1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
|
|
bugs, ants.
|
|
2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
|
|
3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
|
|
4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
|
|
5. Exotic birds flock around you.
|
|
6. People ignore you at parties.
|
|
7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
|
|
8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
|
|
%
|
|
SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
|
|
|
|
In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
|
|
Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
|
|
to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
|
|
space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
|
|
violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
|
|
turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
|
|
center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
|
|
%
|
|
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
|
|
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
|
|
tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of
|
|
Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at
|
|
you a great deal.
|
|
%
|
|
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
|
|
Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
|
|
ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
|
|
obnoxious self. Call your mother.
|
|
%
|
|
SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
|
|
Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
|
|
backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
|
|
impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
|
|
%
|
|
Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
|
|
got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
|
|
the ashtray."
|
|
%
|
|
Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
|
|
-- Heard on Noahs' ark
|
|
%
|
|
Sailors in ships, sail on!
|
|
Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
|
|
%
|
|
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
|
|
-- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
|
|
%
|
|
Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
|
|
in small amounts over a long period of time.
|
|
-- George Carlin
|
|
%
|
|
Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
|
|
with me.
|
|
Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
|
|
to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
|
|
letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
|
|
sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
|
|
Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
|
|
Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
|
|
uncharted waters here.
|
|
-- Sally Forth
|
|
%
|
|
Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
|
|
Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
|
|
-- Cheers, Loverboyd
|
|
|
|
Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
|
|
-- Cheers, Loverboyd
|
|
|
|
Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
|
|
-- Cheers, Loverboyd
|
|
%
|
|
Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
|
|
Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
|
|
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
|
|
Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
|
|
-- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
|
|
|
|
Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
|
|
-- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
|
|
|
|
Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
|
|
-- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
|
|
%
|
|
Sam: What do you say, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
|
|
-- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
|
|
|
|
Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
|
|
Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
|
|
-- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
|
|
|
|
Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
|
|
All: Norm! (Norman.)
|
|
Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
|
|
Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
|
|
-- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
|
|
%
|
|
Sam: What's going on, Normie?
|
|
Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
|
|
it, and I'll blow out my liver.
|
|
-- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
|
|
|
|
Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
|
|
Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
|
|
Found him every couple of blocks.
|
|
-- Cheers, Head Over Hill
|
|
%
|
|
Sam: What's new, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Most of my wife.
|
|
-- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
|
|
|
|
Coach: Beer, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
|
|
-- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
|
|
|
|
Coach: What's doing, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
|
|
to be the guinea pig.
|
|
-- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
|
|
%
|
|
SAN DIEGO:
|
|
Four million people, where you can't get a
|
|
good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
|
|
%
|
|
SAN FRANCISCO:
|
|
Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
|
|
%
|
|
San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
|
|
people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
|
|
they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
|
|
One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
|
|
-- George Halas, professional footbal coach
|
|
%
|
|
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
|
|
-- Herb Caen
|
|
%
|
|
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
|
|
%
|
|
Sank heaven for leetle curls.
|
|
%
|
|
Santa Claus is watching!
|
|
%
|
|
Santa Claus wears a red suit
|
|
He's a Communist.
|
|
|
|
He has long hair and a beard
|
|
Must be a pacifist.
|
|
|
|
And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
|
|
|
|
Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
|
|
He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
|
|
|
|
Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
|
|
-- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
|
|
MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!
|
|
|
|
|
|
\__\_ :. ___/
|
|
..\ /--
|
|
:.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .:
|
|
(( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o
|
|
====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-'
|
|
\____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: ..
|
|
( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.:
|
|
( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \
|
|
( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\
|
|
(____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\
|
|
/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/
|
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
|
|
%
|
|
Satellite Safety Tip #14:
|
|
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
|
|
%
|
|
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
|
|
%
|
|
Satire is tragedy plus time.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
|
|
%
|
|
Satire is what closes Saturday night.
|
|
-- George Kaufman
|
|
%
|
|
Sattinger's Law:
|
|
It works better if you plug it in.
|
|
%
|
|
Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
|
|
Is like being nowhere at all,
|
|
All through the day how the hours rush by,
|
|
You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
|
|
-- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
|
|
%
|
|
Satyrs have more faun.
|
|
%
|
|
Savage's Law of Expediency:
|
|
You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
|
|
%
|
|
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
|
|
surprised at how little you have.
|
|
-- Ernest Haskins
|
|
%
|
|
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
|
|
%
|
|
Save energy: be apathetic.
|
|
%
|
|
Save gas, don't eat beans.
|
|
%
|
|
Save gas, don't use the shell.
|
|
%
|
|
Save the bales!
|
|
%
|
|
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
|
|
%
|
|
Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
|
|
%
|
|
Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
|
|
Bust in business, lost your wife;
|
|
No one cares a cent about you,
|
|
You don't care a cent for life;
|
|
Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
|
|
Health is failing, wish you'd die--
|
|
Why, you've still the sunshine left you
|
|
And the big blue sky.
|
|
-- R.W. Service
|
|
%
|
|
Say it with flowers,
|
|
Or say it with mink,
|
|
But whatever you do,
|
|
Don't say it with ink!
|
|
-- Jimmie Durante
|
|
%
|
|
Say many of cameras focused t'us,
|
|
Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
|
|
No justice, please, curse ye!
|
|
We really want mercy:
|
|
You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
|
|
-- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
|
|
%
|
|
Say my love is easy had,
|
|
Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
|
|
Say I am too often sad --
|
|
Still behold me at your side.
|
|
|
|
Say I'm neither brave nor young,
|
|
Say I woo and coddle care,
|
|
Say the devil touched my tongue,
|
|
Still you have my heart to wear.
|
|
|
|
But say my verses do not scan,
|
|
And I get me another man!
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
|
|
%
|
|
Say no, then negotiate.
|
|
-- Helga
|
|
%
|
|
Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
|
|
%
|
|
Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
|
|
%
|
|
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
|
|
-- Ken Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
SCENARIO:
|
|
An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
|
|
which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
|
|
sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
|
|
%
|
|
Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
|
|
%
|
|
Scene:
|
|
A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
|
|
room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
|
|
white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
|
|
filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
|
|
shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
|
|
intently watching him.
|
|
|
|
Caption:
|
|
"I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
|
|
%
|
|
Schapiro's Explanation:
|
|
The grass is always greener on the other side --
|
|
but that's because they use more manure.
|
|
%
|
|
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
|
|
%
|
|
schlattwhapper, n:
|
|
The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
|
|
hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
Schmidt's Observation:
|
|
All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
|
|
than a thin person.
|
|
%
|
|
Science and religion are in full accord but
|
|
science and faith are in complete discord.
|
|
%
|
|
Science Fiction, Double Feature.
|
|
Frank has built and lost his creature.
|
|
Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
|
|
The servants gone to a distant planet.
|
|
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
|
|
At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
|
|
I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
|
|
To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
|
|
-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
|
|
%
|
|
Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
|
|
collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
|
|
is a house.
|
|
-- Jules Henri Poincare
|
|
%
|
|
Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
|
|
%
|
|
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
|
|
%
|
|
Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
|
|
%
|
|
Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
|
|
Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
|
|
Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
|
|
Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
|
|
How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
|
|
Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
|
|
To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
|
|
Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
|
|
Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
|
|
And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
|
|
To seek a shelter in some happier star?
|
|
Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
|
|
The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
|
|
The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
|
|
-- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
|
|
%
|
|
Scientists still know less about what attracts men
|
|
than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
|
|
-- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
|
|
"What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
|
|
%
|
|
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
|
|
They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
|
|
was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
|
|
linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
|
|
started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
|
|
was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
|
|
struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
|
|
together. "There is now", came the reply.
|
|
%
|
|
Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
|
|
Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
|
|
Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
|
|
Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
|
|
Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
|
|
Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
|
|
%
|
|
Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
|
|
%
|
|
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
|
|
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
|
|
the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
|
|
Scorpio people are murdered.
|
|
%
|
|
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
|
|
Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
|
|
for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
|
|
to throw up. Knock it off.
|
|
%
|
|
SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
|
|
You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
|
|
dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
|
|
subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
|
|
to win. You never learn.
|
|
%
|
|
Scott's First Law:
|
|
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
|
|
|
|
Scott's Second Law:
|
|
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
|
|
to have been wrong in the first place.
|
|
Corollary:
|
|
After the correction has been found in error, it will be
|
|
impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
|
|
equation.
|
|
%
|
|
Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
|
|
Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
|
|
Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
|
|
Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
|
|
Spock: Affirmative.
|
|
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
|
|
Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
|
|
%
|
|
Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
|
|
Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
|
|
And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
|
|
Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
|
|
Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
|
|
And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
|
|
And we've also found Just flip one switch
|
|
When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
|
|
You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
|
|
Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
|
|
Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
|
|
And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
|
|
The system is going to crash.
|
|
-- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
|
|
%
|
|
Scratch the disks!
|
|
Drop the core!
|
|
Roll the tapes across the floor!
|
|
%
|
|
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
|
|
%
|
|
SCRIBLINE:
|
|
The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
|
|
-- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
|
|
%
|
|
Sears has everything.
|
|
%
|
|
Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
|
|
%
|
|
Second Law of Business Meetings:
|
|
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
|
|
will pick the wrong one.
|
|
|
|
Corollary:
|
|
If there is only one way to spell a name,
|
|
you will spell it wrong, anyway.
|
|
%
|
|
Second Law of Final Exams:
|
|
In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
|
|
distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
|
|
%
|
|
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
|
|
%
|
|
Secretary's Revenge:
|
|
Filing almost everything under "the".
|
|
%
|
|
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
|
|
%
|
|
Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
|
|
[Who guards the Guardians?]
|
|
%
|
|
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
|
|
She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
|
|
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
|
|
Silently scheming,
|
|
Sightlessly seeking
|
|
Some savage, spectacular suicide.
|
|
-- Stanislaw Lem
|
|
%
|
|
See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
|
|
the second one should have seen it.
|
|
%
|
|
Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
|
|
was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
|
|
who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
|
|
himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
|
|
asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
|
|
"Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
|
|
far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
|
|
%
|
|
Seeing is believing.
|
|
You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
|
|
%
|
|
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
|
|
-- James Thurber
|
|
%
|
|
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
|
|
Will come when it will come.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
|
|
%
|
|
Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
|
|
-- Alfred North Whitehead
|
|
%
|
|
Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
|
|
driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
|
|
mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
|
|
luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
|
|
rocks. They all got out of the car:
|
|
The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
|
|
The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
|
|
into town and have a specialist look at it."
|
|
The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
|
|
in and see if it does it again."
|
|
%
|
|
Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
|
|
counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
|
|
you?".
|
|
The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
|
|
"Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
|
|
you like me to put it on your bill?"
|
|
Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
|
|
%
|
|
Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
|
|
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
|
|
the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
|
|
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
|
|
work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
|
|
dreams!"
|
|
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
|
|
Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
|
|
completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
|
|
other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
|
|
are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
|
|
"Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
|
|
"Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
|
|
like when God was working it alone!"
|
|
%
|
|
Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
|
|
and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
|
|
register.
|
|
"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
|
|
"Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
|
|
"GRIZZLIES?!?!"
|
|
"A few."
|
|
"Got any bear bells?"
|
|
"What's that?"
|
|
"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
|
|
bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
|
|
bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
|
|
country, anyhow?"
|
|
"Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
|
|
"Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
|
|
"Bear bells."
|
|
%
|
|
Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
|
|
Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
|
|
|
|
In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
|
|
In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
|
|
In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
|
|
In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
|
|
%
|
|
Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
|
|
doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
|
|
that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
|
|
months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
|
|
Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
|
|
and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
|
|
He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
|
|
up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
|
|
The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
|
|
"Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
|
|
a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
|
|
out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
|
|
When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
|
|
some new underwear.
|
|
The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
|
|
"No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
|
|
salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
|
|
that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
|
|
Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
|
|
you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
|
|
%
|
|
Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
|
|
Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
|
|
%
|
|
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
|
|
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
|
|
%
|
|
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
|
|
Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
|
|
%
|
|
semper en excretus
|
|
%
|
|
SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Send some filthy mail.
|
|
%
|
|
Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
|
|
-- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
|
|
%
|
|
SENILITY:
|
|
The state of mind of elderly persons
|
|
with whom one happens to disagree.
|
|
%
|
|
Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
|
|
little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
|
|
In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
|
|
-- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
|
|
%
|
|
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
|
|
%
|
|
Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
|
|
-- Graham Greene
|
|
%
|
|
SERENDIPITY:
|
|
The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
|
|
%
|
|
Serfs up!
|
|
-- Spartacus
|
|
%
|
|
Serocki's Stricture:
|
|
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
|
|
%
|
|
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
|
|
%
|
|
Set the cart before the horse.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
|
|
swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
|
|
there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
|
|
retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
|
|
some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
|
|
fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
|
|
loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
|
|
guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
|
|
anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
|
|
%
|
|
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
|
|
Is all my brain and body need.
|
|
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
|
|
Are very good indeed.
|
|
|
|
Take your silly ways,
|
|
Throw them out the window,
|
|
The wisdom of your ways,
|
|
I've been there and I know,
|
|
Lots of other ways...
|
|
-- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
|
|
%
|
|
Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
|
|
-- Lewis Grizzard
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
|
|
if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
|
|
-- Ian Dury
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is an emotion in motion.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
|
|
for diet Coke."
|
|
-- Malcolm MacDougall
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
|
|
-- Garrison Keillor
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
|
|
it's still darn tasty!
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
|
|
unimportant.
|
|
-- Henry Miller
|
|
%
|
|
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
|
|
-- M.C. Reed
|
|
%
|
|
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
|
|
most amount of trouble.
|
|
-- John Barrymore
|
|
%
|
|
Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
|
|
repeated until infinity.
|
|
-- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
|
|
Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
|
|
1973.
|
|
%
|
|
Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
|
|
as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
|
|
how children do not come into the world.
|
|
-- Karl Kraus
|
|
%
|
|
Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
|
|
%
|
|
Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
|
|
always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
|
|
-- J.M. Barrie
|
|
%
|
|
Shame is an improper emotion invented by
|
|
pietists to oppress the human race.
|
|
-- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
|
|
%
|
|
Shannon's Observation
|
|
Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
|
|
that is beginning to improve.
|
|
%
|
|
share, n:
|
|
To give in, endure humiliation.
|
|
%
|
|
Shaw's Principle:
|
|
Build a system that even a fool can use,
|
|
and only a fool will want to use it.
|
|
%
|
|
She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
|
|
good.
|
|
-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
|
|
%
|
|
She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
|
|
containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
|
|
for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
|
|
the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
|
|
|
|
In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
|
|
not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
|
|
worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
|
|
-- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
|
|
%
|
|
She asked me, "What's your sign?"
|
|
I blinked and answered "Neon,"
|
|
I thought I'd blow her mind...
|
|
%
|
|
She been married so many times
|
|
she got rice marks all over her face.
|
|
-- Tom Waits
|
|
%
|
|
She blinded me with science!
|
|
%
|
|
She can kill all your files;
|
|
She can freeze with a frown.
|
|
And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
|
|
And she works on her code until ten after three.
|
|
She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
|
|
-- Apologies to Billy Joel
|
|
%
|
|
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
|
|
-- Tommy Manville
|
|
%
|
|
She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
|
|
%
|
|
She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
|
|
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
|
|
%
|
|
She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
|
|
years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
|
|
left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
|
|
-- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
|
|
involvement in "The Avengers".
|
|
%
|
|
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
|
|
a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
|
|
%
|
|
She often gave herself very good advice
|
|
(though she very seldom followed it).
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
|
|
%
|
|
She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
|
|
Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
|
|
women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
|
|
-- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
|
|
%
|
|
She sells cshs by the cshore.
|
|
%
|
|
She stood on the tracks
|
|
Waving her arms
|
|
Leading me to that third rail shock
|
|
Quick as a wink
|
|
She changed her mind
|
|
|
|
She gave me a night
|
|
That's all it was
|
|
What will it take until I stop
|
|
Kidding myself
|
|
Wasting my time
|
|
|
|
There's nothing else I can do
|
|
'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
|
|
I don't want anyone new
|
|
'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
|
|
There's nothing in it for you
|
|
'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
|
|
-- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
|
|
%
|
|
She was bred in ol' Kentucky
|
|
But she's just a crumb up here
|
|
She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
|
|
With a cauliflower ear
|
|
Someday we will be married
|
|
And if vegetables become too dear
|
|
I'll just cut me a slice of
|
|
Her cauliflower ear!
|
|
-- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
|
|
%
|
|
She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
|
|
good at being short.
|
|
-- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
|
|
%
|
|
She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
|
|
%
|
|
She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
|
|
%
|
|
She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
|
|
%
|
|
Shedenhelm's Law:
|
|
All trails have more uphill sections
|
|
than they have downhill sections.
|
|
%
|
|
"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
|
|
%
|
|
Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
|
|
turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
|
|
bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
|
|
night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
|
|
aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
|
|
-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
|
|
bad fiction contest.
|
|
%
|
|
Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
|
|
him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
|
|
of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
She's learned to say things with her eyes
|
|
that others waste time putting into words.
|
|
%
|
|
She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
|
|
%
|
|
She's such a kinky girl,
|
|
The kind you don't take home to mother.
|
|
She will never let your spirits down
|
|
Once you get her off the street.
|
|
%
|
|
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
|
|
%
|
|
Shick's Law:
|
|
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
|
|
%
|
|
Shift to the left,
|
|
Shift to the right,
|
|
Mask in, mask out,
|
|
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
|
|
%
|
|
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!
|
|
SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
|
|
POP UP, PUSH DOWN,
|
|
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
|
|
%
|
|
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
|
|
%
|
|
Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
|
|
in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
|
|
laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
|
|
of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
|
|
comments:
|
|
|
|
"Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
|
|
"A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
|
|
"A man for all seasons. Really..."
|
|
|
|
After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
|
|
it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
|
|
body join her long dead brain.
|
|
%
|
|
Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
|
|
they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
|
|
-- Terry Southern
|
|
%
|
|
Short people get rained on last.
|
|
%
|
|
Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
|
|
-- Martin Mull
|
|
%
|
|
Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
|
|
Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
|
|
-- Leo Durocher
|
|
%
|
|
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll
|
|
show you a man who playing golf with his boss.
|
|
%
|
|
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
|
|
%
|
|
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
|
|
%
|
|
Showing up is 80% of life.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
|
|
-- Voltaire
|
|
%
|
|
Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
|
|
[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
|
|
-- Henri Estienne
|
|
%
|
|
Sic transit gloria Monday!
|
|
%
|
|
Sic transit gloria mundi.
|
|
[So passes away the glory of this world.]
|
|
-- Thomas a Kempis
|
|
%
|
|
Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
|
|
%
|
|
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
|
|
%
|
|
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
|
|
%
|
|
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
|
|
-- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
|
|
%
|
|
Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
|
|
up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
|
|
raise bloody hell.
|
|
-- Herbert Block
|
|
%
|
|
Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
|
|
-- Thomas Carlyle
|
|
%
|
|
Silence is the only virtue you have left.
|
|
%
|
|
sillema sillema nika su
|
|
[translation: look it up...hint-fin]
|
|
%
|
|
Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
|
|
%
|
|
Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
|
|
a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
|
|
carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
|
|
the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
|
|
of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
|
|
intersection in town. BUT!
|
|
|
|
Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
|
|
BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
|
|
|
|
Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
|
|
She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
|
|
(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
|
|
And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
|
|
|
|
Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
|
|
BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
|
|
%
|
|
Silverman's Law:
|
|
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
|
|
%
|
|
Simon's Law:
|
|
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
|
|
%
|
|
Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
|
|
%
|
|
Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
|
|
-- Hubert Kirrman
|
|
%
|
|
Sin boldly.
|
|
-- Martin Luther
|
|
%
|
|
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
|
|
%
|
|
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
|
|
All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
|
|
(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
|
|
when others believe him.
|
|
-- Charles DeGaulle
|
|
%
|
|
Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
|
|
%
|
|
Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
|
|
cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
|
|
this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
|
|
%
|
|
Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
|
|
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
|
|
burst out in laughter.
|
|
-- Long Chen Pa
|
|
%
|
|
Since I hurt my pendulum
|
|
My life is all erratic.
|
|
My parrot who was cordial
|
|
Is now transmitting static.
|
|
The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
|
|
The cat keeps doing poo.
|
|
The only thing that keeps me sane
|
|
Is talking to my shoe.
|
|
-- My Shoe
|
|
%
|
|
Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
|
|
-- Tom Stoppard
|
|
%
|
|
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
|
|
alive.
|
|
-- John Sloan
|
|
%
|
|
Sink or Swim with Teddy!
|
|
%
|
|
Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
|
|
%
|
|
Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
|
|
-- CP30
|
|
%
|
|
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
|
|
I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
|
|
Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
|
|
loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
|
|
|
|
God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
|
|
the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
|
|
It'll cost you though".
|
|
|
|
"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
|
|
the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
|
|
|
|
"An arm and a leg", said God.
|
|
|
|
Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
|
|
for a rib?"
|
|
%
|
|
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
|
|
objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
|
|
gives us modern art.
|
|
-- Tom Stoppard
|
|
%
|
|
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
|
|
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
|
|
or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
|
|
should have gotten.
|
|
%
|
|
skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
|
|
h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2
|
|
kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
|
|
[hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
|
|
sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
|
|
|
|
|
|
Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
|
|
%
|
|
Slang is language that takes off its coat,
|
|
spits on its hands, and goes to work.
|
|
%
|
|
Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
|
|
a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
|
|
songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
|
|
those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
|
|
beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
|
|
breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
|
|
anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
|
|
for deliverance from chains.
|
|
-- Frederick Douglass
|
|
%
|
|
Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
|
|
%
|
|
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
|
|
1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
|
|
2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
|
|
3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
|
|
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
|
|
attracted to dark objects.
|
|
%
|
|
Slous' Contention:
|
|
If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
|
|
%
|
|
Slow day.
|
|
Practice crawling.
|
|
%
|
|
SLURM:
|
|
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it
|
|
sits in the dish too long.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
|
|
%
|
|
Small is beautiful.
|
|
-- Schumacher's Dictum
|
|
%
|
|
Small things make base men proud.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
%
|
|
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
|
|
teacher was in my class for five years.
|
|
-- George Burns
|
|
%
|
|
Smear the road with a runner!!
|
|
%
|
|
Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
|
|
%
|
|
Smile, Cthulu Loathes You.
|
|
%
|
|
Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz
|
|
%
|
|
SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
|
|
Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
|
|
U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
|
|
describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
|
|
the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
|
|
filed 30 days in advance.
|
|
%
|
|
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
|
|
-- Fletcher Knebel
|
|
%
|
|
Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
|
|
%
|
|
Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
|
|
-- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
|
|
%
|
|
SNACKTREK:
|
|
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
|
|
returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
|
|
have materialized.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
|
|
%
|
|
SNAPPY REPARTEE:
|
|
What you'd say if you had another chance.
|
|
%
|
|
Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
|
|
%
|
|
Snow and adolescence are the only problems
|
|
that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
|
|
%
|
|
Snow Day -- stay home.
|
|
%
|
|
Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
|
|
shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
|
|
mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
|
|
for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
|
|
with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
|
|
the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
|
|
%
|
|
So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
|
|
go to work?
|
|
%
|
|
So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
|
|
A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
|
|
they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
|
|
of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
|
|
only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
|
|
purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
|
|
strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
|
|
Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
|
|
-- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
|
|
%
|
|
So far as I can remember, there is not one
|
|
word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
|
|
-- Bertrand Russell
|
|
%
|
|
So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
|
|
as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
|
|
way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
|
|
-- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
|
|
%
|
|
So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
|
|
of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
|
|
friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
|
|
could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
|
|
use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
|
|
for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
|
|
the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
|
|
extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
|
|
-- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
|
|
%
|
|
So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
|
|
%
|
|
So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
|
|
-- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
|
|
%
|
|
So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
|
|
-- Yogi Berra
|
|
%
|
|
So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
|
|
large as it needs to be?
|
|
%
|
|
So little time, so little to do.
|
|
-- Oscar Levant
|
|
%
|
|
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
|
|
to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
|
|
%
|
|
So many beautiful women and so little time.
|
|
-- John Barrymore
|
|
%
|
|
So many men and so little time.
|
|
%
|
|
So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
|
|
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
|
|
%
|
|
So many women, and so little time!
|
|
%
|
|
So many women, so little nerve.
|
|
%
|
|
So much food, and so little time!
|
|
%
|
|
So much
|
|
depends
|
|
upon
|
|
a red
|
|
|
|
wheel
|
|
barrow
|
|
glazed with
|
|
|
|
rain
|
|
water
|
|
beside
|
|
the white
|
|
chickens.
|
|
-- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
|
|
%
|
|
So now
|
|
that you have-
|
|
|
|
you know, whoever
|
|
|
|
you're trying
|
|
to do
|
|
|
|
a favor
|
|
for
|
|
|
|
-you've done it-
|
|
|
|
and I'm sure
|
|
you had
|
|
|
|
a smirk
|
|
on your mouth
|
|
|
|
as you got me
|
|
into this.
|
|
-- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
|
|
composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
|
|
From SPY Magazine, November 1992
|
|
%
|
|
So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
|
|
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
|
|
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
|
|
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
|
|
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
|
|
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
|
|
out at the heels of their boots.
|
|
-- Samuel Foote
|
|
%
|
|
So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
|
|
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
|
|
%
|
|
So... so you think you can tell
|
|
Heaven from Hell?
|
|
Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
|
|
Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
|
|
From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
|
|
A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
|
|
Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
|
|
Did you exchange
|
|
A walk on part in a war
|
|
For the lead role in a cage?
|
|
-- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
|
|
%
|
|
So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is
|
|
to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the
|
|
waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is
|
|
bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the
|
|
sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude
|
|
seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow
|
|
goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know
|
|
very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will
|
|
say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this
|
|
Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind
|
|
of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
|
|
then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous
|
|
development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
So this it it. We're going to die.
|
|
%
|
|
So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
|
|
And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
|
|
%
|
|
So, you better watch out!
|
|
You better not cry!
|
|
You better not pout!
|
|
I'm telling you why,
|
|
Santa Claus is coming, to town.
|
|
|
|
He knows when you've been sleeping,
|
|
He know when you're awake.
|
|
He knows if you've been bad or good,
|
|
He has ties with the CIA.
|
|
So...
|
|
%
|
|
"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
|
|
want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
|
|
"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
|
|
"Friday, then?"
|
|
"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
|
|
-- Dating in Minnesota
|
|
%
|
|
So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
|
|
all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
|
|
tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
|
|
recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
|
|
the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
|
|
and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
|
|
eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
|
|
%
|
|
So you think that money is the root of all evil.
|
|
Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
|
|
-- Ayn Rand
|
|
%
|
|
So you're back... about time...
|
|
%
|
|
Soap and education are not as sudden as a
|
|
massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
SOCIALISM:
|
|
You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
|
|
COMMUNISM:
|
|
You have two cows.
|
|
Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
|
|
CAPITALISM:
|
|
You sell one cow and buy a bull.
|
|
FASCISM:
|
|
You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
|
|
The government sells it.
|
|
NAZISM:
|
|
The government shoots you and takes the cows.
|
|
NEW DEALISM:
|
|
The government shoots one cow,
|
|
milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
|
|
ANARCHISM:
|
|
Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
|
|
CONSERVATISM:
|
|
Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
|
|
%
|
|
Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
|
|
like a staff function."
|
|
-- Paul Licker
|
|
%
|
|
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
|
|
"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
|
|
the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
|
|
-- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
|
|
%
|
|
Soldiers who wish to be a hero
|
|
Are practically zero,
|
|
But those who wish to be civilians,
|
|
They run into the millions.
|
|
%
|
|
Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
|
|
-- Kayvan Sylvan
|
|
%
|
|
Solutions are obvious if one only has the
|
|
optical power to observe them over the horizon.
|
|
-- K.A. Arsdall
|
|
%
|
|
Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
|
|
and some few to be chewed and digested.
|
|
-- Francis Bacon
|
|
[As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
|
|
Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
|
|
%
|
|
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
|
|
as when you find a trout in the milk.
|
|
-- Thoreau
|
|
%
|
|
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
|
|
%
|
|
Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
|
|
%
|
|
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
|
|
-- Ed Howe
|
|
%
|
|
Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
|
|
places!
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
|
|
and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
|
|
-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
|
|
%
|
|
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
|
|
%
|
|
Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
|
|
about sex at all... they become lawyers.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
|
|
that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
|
|
%
|
|
Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
|
|
-- Maureen Murphy
|
|
%
|
|
Some men feel that the only thing they owe
|
|
the woman who marries them is a grudge.
|
|
-- Helen Rowland
|
|
%
|
|
Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
|
|
lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
|
|
-- Samuel Butler
|
|
%
|
|
Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
|
|
-- Woodie Guthrie
|
|
%
|
|
Some men who fear that they are playing
|
|
second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
|
|
%
|
|
Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
|
|
The answer is: I don't know.
|
|
Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
|
|
%
|
|
Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
|
|
old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
|
|
I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
|
|
13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
|
|
the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
|
|
Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
|
|
Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
|
|
an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
|
|
"lekare".
|
|
"If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
|
|
is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
|
|
fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
|
|
it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
|
|
heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
|
|
newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
|
|
and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
|
|
shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
|
|
he received, shame and wounds."
|
|
%
|
|
Some of the things that live the longest
|
|
in peoples' memories never really happened.
|
|
%
|
|
Some of them want to use you,
|
|
Some of them want to be used by you,
|
|
...Everybody's looking for something.
|
|
-- Eurythmics
|
|
%
|
|
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
|
|
-- Gloria Steinem
|
|
%
|
|
Some parts of the past must be preserved,
|
|
and some of the future prevented at all costs.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
Some people around here wouldn't recognize
|
|
subtlety if it hit them on the head.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
|
|
transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
|
|
two-dimensional ones.
|
|
-- F. Frederick Skitty
|
|
%
|
|
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people cause happiness wherever
|
|
they go; others, whenever they go.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
|
|
but at least you only have to climb it once.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people have a great ambition: to build something
|
|
that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
|
|
only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
|
|
%
|
|
Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people have parts that are so private
|
|
they themselves have no knowledge of them.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people live life in the fast lane.
|
|
You're in oncoming traffic.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people manage by the book, even though they
|
|
don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people need a good imaginary cure
|
|
for their painful imaginary ailment.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
|
|
%
|
|
Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
|
|
rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
|
|
-- P.J. O'Rourke
|
|
%
|
|
Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
|
|
They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
|
|
%
|
|
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
|
|
%
|
|
Some say the world will end in fire,
|
|
Some say in ice.
|
|
From what I've tasted of desire
|
|
I hold with those who favor fire.
|
|
But if it had to perish twice
|
|
I think I know enough of hate
|
|
To say that for destruction, ice
|
|
Is also great
|
|
And would suffice
|
|
-- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
|
|
%
|
|
Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
|
|
-- Folk saying
|
|
%
|
|
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
|
|
%
|
|
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
|
|
so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
|
|
%
|
|
Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
|
|
Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
|
|
Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
|
|
When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
|
|
|
|
Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
|
|
Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
|
|
Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
|
|
That don't smell very nice --
|
|
He's nobody's moggy now.
|
|
|
|
Oh you who love your pussy,
|
|
Be sure to keep him in.
|
|
Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
|
|
The truck is bound to win. On the road way
|
|
And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
|
|
Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
|
|
If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
|
|
It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
|
|
And your pussy will be slightly dead,
|
|
He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
|
|
Just red and squashed and soggy --
|
|
He's nobody's moggy now.
|
|
-- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
|
|
%
|
|
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
|
|
I found a pile of them over in the corner.
|
|
%
|
|
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
|
|
typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
|
|
%
|
|
Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
|
|
probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
|
|
blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
|
|
-- Mister Boffo
|
|
%
|
|
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
|
|
-- Evan Davis
|
|
%
|
|
Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
|
|
%
|
|
Someday your prints will come.
|
|
-- Kodak
|
|
%
|
|
Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
|
|
when I was passing through satisfaction.
|
|
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
|
|
%
|
|
Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
|
|
%
|
|
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
|
|
City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
|
|
Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
Someone is speaking well of you.
|
|
%
|
|
Someone is speaking well of you.
|
|
How unusual!
|
|
%
|
|
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
|
|
%
|
|
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
|
|
%
|
|
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
|
|
%
|
|
Something better...
|
|
|
|
1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
|
|
2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
|
|
3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
|
|
something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
|
|
4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
|
|
5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
|
|
minutes late.
|
|
6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
|
|
own ear.
|
|
7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
|
|
mind putting that thing away.
|
|
8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
|
|
It's what's in it that matters.
|
|
9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
|
|
Seattle.
|
|
10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
|
|
11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
|
|
changing tempo.
|
|
12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
|
|
-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
|
|
%
|
|
Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
|
|
-- Benjamin Disraeli
|
|
%
|
|
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
|
|
-- Shakespeare
|
|
%
|
|
Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
|
|
and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
|
|
-- N.V. Plyter
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
|
|
-- Sigmund Freud
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
|
|
fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
|
|
-- Montesquieu
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
|
|
smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
|
|
-- Richard M. Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
|
|
-- Seneca
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
|
|
Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
|
|
Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
|
|
Either light up or leave me alone.
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
|
|
the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
|
|
world.
|
|
-- Robert Stone
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes I live in the country,
|
|
And sometimes I live in town.
|
|
And sometimes I have a great notion,
|
|
To jump in the river and drown.
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
|
|
world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
|
|
Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
|
|
-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
|
|
-- Repo Man
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
|
|
%
|
|
SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
|
|
back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
|
|
me because I am beautiful.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
|
|
Other times I can hardly see.
|
|
Lately it occurs to me
|
|
What a long strange trip it's been.
|
|
-- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes, too long is too long.
|
|
-- Joe Crowe
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
|
|
like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
|
|
before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
|
|
forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
|
|
-- Snoopy
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
|
|
to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
|
|
-- Andy Capp
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
|
|
else is driving.
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
|
|
%
|
|
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
|
|
%
|
|
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
|
|
woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
|
|
-- Sam Levenson
|
|
%
|
|
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
|
|
-- Carl Sagan
|
|
%
|
|
Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
|
|
the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
|
|
make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
|
|
But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
|
|
-- Sky Masterson's Father
|
|
%
|
|
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
|
|
(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
|
|
%
|
|
Sorry. Nice try.
|
|
%
|
|
Sorry never means having you're say to love.
|
|
%
|
|
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
|
|
big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
|
|
drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
|
|
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
|
|
%
|
|
Space is to place as eternity is to time.
|
|
-- Joseph Joubert
|
|
%
|
|
Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
|
|
-- Wheeler
|
|
%
|
|
Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
|
|
Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
|
|
and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
|
|
-- Captain James T. Kirk
|
|
%
|
|
SPAGMUMPS:
|
|
Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Speak roughly to your little boy,
|
|
And beat him when he sneezes:
|
|
He only does it to annoy
|
|
Because he knows it teases.
|
|
|
|
Wow! wow! wow!
|
|
|
|
I speak severely to my boy,
|
|
And beat him when he sneezes:
|
|
For he can thoroughly enjoy
|
|
The pepper when he pleases!
|
|
|
|
Wow! wow! wow!
|
|
%
|
|
Speak roughly to your little Vax,
|
|
And boot it when it crashes;
|
|
It knows that one cannot relax
|
|
Because the paging thrashes!
|
|
|
|
I speak severely to my Vax,
|
|
And boot it when it crashes;
|
|
In spite of all my favorite hacks,
|
|
My jobs it always trashes!
|
|
%
|
|
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
|
|
%
|
|
"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
|
|
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
|
|
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
|
|
thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
|
|
moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
|
|
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
|
|
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
|
|
water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
|
|
diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
|
|
would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
|
|
leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
|
|
wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
|
|
murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
|
|
into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
|
|
on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
|
|
have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
|
|
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
|
|
syllable is thine!"
|
|
-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
|
|
%
|
|
Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
|
|
that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
|
|
all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
|
|
Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
|
|
result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
|
|
parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
|
|
types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
|
|
recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
|
|
so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
|
|
%
|
|
Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
|
|
days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
|
|
with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
|
|
who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
|
|
these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
|
|
bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
|
|
communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
|
|
%
|
|
Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
|
|
on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
|
|
%
|
|
Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
|
|
Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
|
|
young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
|
|
students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
|
|
Faculty members especially welcome.
|
|
%
|
|
Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
|
|
motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
|
|
when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
|
|
-- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
|
|
%
|
|
Spence's Admonition:
|
|
Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
|
|
%
|
|
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
|
|
%
|
|
SPINSTER:
|
|
A bachelor's wife.
|
|
%
|
|
SPIRTLE:
|
|
The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands
|
|
right in your eye.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Spock: The odds of surviving another
|
|
attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
|
|
%
|
|
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
|
|
%
|
|
SPOUSE:
|
|
Someone who'll stand by you through all the
|
|
trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
|
|
%
|
|
Spring is here, spring is here,
|
|
Life is skittles and life is beer.
|
|
%
|
|
SQUATCHO:
|
|
The button at the top of a baseball cap.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
|
|
%
|
|
St. Patrick was a gentleman
|
|
who through strategy and stealth
|
|
drove all the snakes from Ireland.
|
|
Here's a toasting to his health --
|
|
but not too many toastings
|
|
lest you lose yourself and then
|
|
forget the good St. Patrick
|
|
and see all those snakes again.
|
|
%
|
|
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
|
|
%
|
|
Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
|
|
%
|
|
Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
|
|
words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
|
|
now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
|
|
"Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
|
|
his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
|
|
"Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
|
|
open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
|
|
open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
|
|
after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
|
|
with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
|
|
Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
|
|
unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
|
|
was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
|
|
So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
|
|
for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
|
|
But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
|
|
deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
|
|
All it said was: "Write two letters."
|
|
%
|
|
Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
|
|
%
|
|
Stamp out philately.
|
|
%
|
|
STANDARDS:
|
|
The principles we use to reject other people's code.
|
|
%
|
|
Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
|
|
no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
|
|
something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
|
|
-- Chuang Tzu
|
|
%
|
|
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
|
|
%
|
|
Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
|
|
they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
|
|
%
|
|
Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
|
|
Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
|
|
science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
|
|
on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
|
|
-- Harlan Ellison
|
|
%
|
|
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
Start the day with a smile.
|
|
After that you can be your nasty old self again.
|
|
%
|
|
State license plates we'd like to see:
|
|
|
|
NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
|
|
LVME 10DR OW-A CAH
|
|
LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
|
|
|
|
HAWAII WISCONSIN
|
|
L-O HA CHEDDAR
|
|
FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
|
|
%
|
|
State license plates we'd like to see:
|
|
|
|
ALABAMA ARIZONA
|
|
IC1 NOW 120 F
|
|
THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
|
|
|
|
CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
|
|
5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS
|
|
WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
|
|
|
|
TEXAS FLORIDA
|
|
1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED
|
|
PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
|
|
%
|
|
State license plates we'd like to see:
|
|
|
|
MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
|
|
4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
|
|
EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
|
|
|
|
NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
|
|
WL-GOLLY ARG GGH
|
|
HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
|
|
|
|
KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
|
|
TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
|
|
THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
|
|
MOVIE STATE
|
|
%
|
|
STATISTICS:
|
|
A system for expressing your political
|
|
prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
|
|
%
|
|
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
|
|
-- Henry Clay
|
|
%
|
|
Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
|
|
%
|
|
Stay away from flying saucers today.
|
|
%
|
|
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
|
|
%
|
|
Stay the curse.
|
|
%
|
|
Stay together, drag each other down.
|
|
%
|
|
Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
|
|
There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
|
|
One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
|
|
|
|
And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
|
|
Though we really did try to make it,
|
|
Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
|
|
|
|
It used to be so easy living here with you,
|
|
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
|
|
Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
|
|
|
|
There'll be good times again for me and you,
|
|
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
|
|
But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
|
|
|
|
But it's too late baby...
|
|
It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
|
|
-- Carol King, "Tapestry"
|
|
%
|
|
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
|
|
long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
|
|
hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
|
|
its rate is a matter of discretion.
|
|
-- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
|
|
%
|
|
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
|
|
%
|
|
Steckel's Rule to Success:
|
|
Good enough is never good enough.
|
|
%
|
|
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
|
|
Everybody should believe in something --
|
|
I believe I'll have another drink.
|
|
%
|
|
Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
|
|
Embezzlement is another matter.
|
|
%
|
|
Stenderup's Law:
|
|
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
|
|
%
|
|
Step back, unbelievers!
|
|
Or the rain will never come.
|
|
Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
|
|
You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
|
|
But I swear to you, before this day is out,
|
|
you folks are gonna see some rain!
|
|
%
|
|
Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
|
|
Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
|
|
so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
|
|
wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
|
|
very little call for those up there.
|
|
-- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
|
|
%
|
|
Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
|
|
Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
|
|
%
|
|
Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
|
|
-- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
|
|
%
|
|
Stock's Observation:
|
|
You no sooner get your head above water
|
|
but what someone pulls your flippers off.
|
|
%
|
|
Stone's Law:
|
|
One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
|
|
%
|
|
Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
|
|
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
|
|
in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
|
|
Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
|
|
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
|
|
on the credulity of human nature.
|
|
%
|
|
Stop me, before I kill again!
|
|
%
|
|
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
|
|
%
|
|
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
|
|
Now, if they'd only take a bath...
|
|
%
|
|
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
|
|
%
|
|
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
|
|
%
|
|
Strange things are done to be number one
|
|
In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
|
|
IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
|
|
Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
|
|
And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
|
|
But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
|
|
Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
|
|
By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
|
|
From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
|
|
Would ship for Celtic gold.
|
|
The movers came to crate the frame;
|
|
It weighed a million ton!
|
|
The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
|
|
(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
|
|
"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
|
|
spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
|
|
"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
|
|
"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
|
|
"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
|
|
Because they couldn't deliver.
|
|
-- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
|
|
%
|
|
STRATEGY:
|
|
A comprehensive plan of inaction.
|
|
%
|
|
Strategy:
|
|
A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
|
|
after those creating it have left the organization.
|
|
%
|
|
Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
|
|
%
|
|
Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
|
|
and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
|
|
the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
|
|
"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
|
|
implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
|
|
and have a nice day.
|
|
%
|
|
Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
|
|
real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
|
|
understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
|
|
-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
|
|
%
|
|
Stult's Report:
|
|
Our problems are mostly behind us.
|
|
What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
|
|
%
|
|
STUPID:
|
|
Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay.
|
|
%
|
|
Stupidity is its own reward.
|
|
%
|
|
Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
|
|
%
|
|
Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
|
|
Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
|
|
%
|
|
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
|
|
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
|
|
way before it is understood.
|
|
%
|
|
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
|
|
the streets after them.
|
|
-- Bill Vaughn
|
|
%
|
|
Success is a journey, not a destination.
|
|
%
|
|
Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
|
|
%
|
|
Success is in the minds of Fools.
|
|
-- William Wrenshaw, 1578
|
|
%
|
|
Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
|
|
made of things.
|
|
-- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
|
|
%
|
|
Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
|
|
%
|
|
Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
|
|
%
|
|
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
|
|
%
|
|
Such a fine first dream!
|
|
But they laughed at me; they said
|
|
I had made it up.
|
|
%
|
|
Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
|
|
when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
|
|
%
|
|
Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
|
|
petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
|
|
-- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
|
|
%
|
|
Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
|
|
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
|
|
%
|
|
Sudden Death Dating:
|
|
|
|
Quote, female:
|
|
Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
|
|
at this point I'll take his first name, too.
|
|
%
|
|
Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
|
|
The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
|
|
Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
|
|
The Path there is, but none who travel it.
|
|
-- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
|
|
%
|
|
Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
|
|
%
|
|
Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
|
|
%
|
|
Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
|
|
-- Donald Kaul
|
|
%
|
|
Sum quod eris.
|
|
%
|
|
Sun in the night, everyone is together,
|
|
Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
|
|
-- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
|
|
%
|
|
SUN Microsystems:
|
|
The Network IS the Load Average.
|
|
%
|
|
SUNSET:
|
|
Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
|
|
resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
|
|
progressively reducing solar elevation.
|
|
%
|
|
Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
|
|
have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
|
|
-- Martin Luther
|
|
%
|
|
Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
|
|
Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
|
|
Quantum Mechanics?
|
|
Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
|
|
Supervisee: Yes.
|
|
-- Overheard at a supervision.
|
|
%
|
|
Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
|
|
%
|
|
Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Support the American Kidney Foundation.
|
|
Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
|
|
%
|
|
Support the Girl Scouts!
|
|
(Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
|
|
%
|
|
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
|
|
-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
|
|
the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
|
|
%
|
|
Support your local church or synagogue.
|
|
Worship at Bank of America.
|
|
%
|
|
Support your right to arm bears!!
|
|
%
|
|
Support your right to bare arms!
|
|
-- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
|
|
%
|
|
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
|
|
rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
|
|
efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
|
|
analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
|
|
Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
|
|
it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
|
|
were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
|
|
a pinhead.
|
|
-- Christopher Evans
|
|
%
|
|
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
|
|
But what if he forgets?
|
|
%
|
|
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
|
|
men in national government too.
|
|
-- Richard M. Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are
|
|
dishonest men in national government too.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
"Surely you can't be serious."
|
|
"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
|
|
%
|
|
Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
|
|
%
|
|
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
|
|
Just type in your name and social security number.
|
|
Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
|
|
|
|
Name #
|
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
|
|
%
|
|
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
|
|
%
|
|
sushi, n:
|
|
When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
|
|
strapped on with electrical tape.
|
|
%
|
|
Sushido, n:
|
|
The way of the tuna.
|
|
%
|
|
Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
|
|
-- Wm. Shakespeare
|
|
%
|
|
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
|
|
%
|
|
SWEATER:
|
|
A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
|
|
%
|
|
Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
|
|
-- Thomas Tusser
|
|
%
|
|
Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
|
|
And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
|
|
%
|
|
Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
|
|
whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
|
|
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
|
|
I rush!
|
|
-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
|
|
%
|
|
Swipple's Rule of Order:
|
|
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
|
|
%
|
|
Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
|
|
unusually pale and clear.
|
|
Problem: Glass empty.
|
|
Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
|
|
|
|
Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
|
|
and the front of your shirt is wet.
|
|
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
|
|
wrong part of face.
|
|
Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
|
|
Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
|
|
|
|
-- Bar Troubleshooting
|
|
%
|
|
Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
|
|
Fault: The Bar is closing.
|
|
Action Required: Panic.
|
|
|
|
Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
|
|
You cannot see the bathroom light.
|
|
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
|
|
Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
|
|
treat yourself to a lie-in.
|
|
|
|
-- Bar Troubleshooting
|
|
%
|
|
Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
|
|
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
|
|
Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
|
|
toward ceiling.
|
|
|
|
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
|
|
Fault: Improper bladder control.
|
|
Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
|
|
to the owner about its lack of house training and
|
|
demand a beer as compensation.
|
|
|
|
-- Bar Troubleshooting
|
|
%
|
|
Symptom: Floor blurred.
|
|
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
|
|
Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
|
|
|
|
Symptom: Floor moving.
|
|
Fault: You are being carried out.
|
|
Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
|
|
complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
|
|
|
|
-- Bar Troubleshooting
|
|
%
|
|
Symptom: Floor swaying.
|
|
Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
|
|
game in progress.
|
|
Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
|
|
|
|
Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
|
|
and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
|
|
Fault: You have fallen forward.
|
|
Action Required: See above.
|
|
|
|
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
|
|
fluorescent light strips.
|
|
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
|
|
Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
|
|
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
|
|
you get up, lash yourself to bar.
|
|
|
|
-- Bar Troubleshooting
|
|
%
|
|
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
|
|
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
|
|
%
|
|
System checkpoint complete.
|
|
%
|
|
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
|
|
%
|
|
System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
|
|
%
|
|
System going down in 5 minutes.
|
|
%
|
|
System restarting, wait...
|
|
%
|
|
System/3! System/3!
|
|
See how it runs! See how it runs!
|
|
Its monitor loses so totally!
|
|
It runs all its programs in RPG!
|
|
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
|
|
System/3!
|
|
%
|
|
SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
|
|
Works equally poorly on all systems.
|
|
%
|
|
Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
|
|
infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
|
|
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
|
|
%
|
|
Systems programmer:
|
|
A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
|
|
vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
|
|
are to receive from your boss.
|
|
%
|
|
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
|
|
-- R.S. Barton
|
|
%
|
|
T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
|
|
He don't rock, and he don't roll;
|
|
Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
|
|
He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
|
|
-- The Roguelet's ABC
|
|
%
|
|
TACKY:
|
|
Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
|
|
%
|
|
TACT:
|
|
The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
|
|
%
|
|
Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
|
|
-- Jean Cocteau
|
|
%
|
|
Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
|
|
-- Jean Cocteau
|
|
%
|
|
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
|
|
an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
|
|
%
|
|
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
|
|
%
|
|
Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
|
|
he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
|
|
%
|
|
Take an astronaut to launch.
|
|
%
|
|
Take care of the luxuries and the
|
|
necessities will take care of themselves.
|
|
-- L. Long
|
|
%
|
|
Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
|
|
-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
|
|
%
|
|
Take everything in stride.
|
|
Trample anyone who gets in your way.
|
|
%
|
|
TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
|
|
Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
|
|
%
|
|
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
|
|
%
|
|
Take me drunk,
|
|
I'm home again!
|
|
%
|
|
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
|
|
but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
|
|
-- Kipling
|
|
%
|
|
Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
|
|
merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
|
|
have given them to you.
|
|
%
|
|
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
|
|
-- Ken Kesey
|
|
%
|
|
Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
|
|
Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
|
|
by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
|
|
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
|
|
%
|
|
Take your Senator to lunch this week.
|
|
%
|
|
Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
|
|
take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
|
|
-- Booth Tarkington
|
|
%
|
|
Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
|
|
got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
|
|
-- Rev. Jim
|
|
%
|
|
Talent does what it can.
|
|
Genius does what it must.
|
|
You do what you get paid to do.
|
|
%
|
|
Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
|
|
%
|
|
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
|
|
-- Euripides
|
|
%
|
|
Talkers are no good doers.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
%
|
|
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
|
|
-- Laurie Anderson
|
|
%
|
|
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
|
|
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
|
|
Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
|
|
-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
|
|
%
|
|
Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
|
|
Tan me hide when I'm dead.
|
|
So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
|
|
It's hanging there on the shed.
|
|
|
|
All together now...
|
|
Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
|
|
Tie me kangaroo down.
|
|
Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
|
|
Tie me kangaroo down.
|
|
%
|
|
Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
|
|
will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
|
|
-- B. Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
|
|
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
|
|
and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
|
|
headed. You are a Communist.
|
|
%
|
|
TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
|
|
Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
|
|
find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
|
|
highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
|
|
%
|
|
TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
|
|
Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
|
|
because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
|
|
decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
|
|
%
|
|
TAX OFFICE:
|
|
Den of inequity.
|
|
%
|
|
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
|
|
tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
|
|
-- Russell Long
|
|
%
|
|
TAXES:
|
|
Of life's two certainties,
|
|
the only one for which you can get an extension.
|
|
%
|
|
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
|
|
%
|
|
TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
|
|
|
|
Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
|
|
Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
|
|
of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
|
|
|
|
"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
|
|
-- Dave Mills
|
|
%
|
|
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
|
|
when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
|
|
%
|
|
Teachers have class.
|
|
%
|
|
TEAMWORK:
|
|
Having someone to blame.
|
|
%
|
|
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
|
|
%
|
|
Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
|
|
slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
|
|
"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
|
|
head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
|
|
side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
|
|
instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
|
|
not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
|
|
being only an inference.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
|
|
is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
|
|
before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
|
|
this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
|
|
being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
|
|
work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
|
|
itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
|
|
slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
|
|
difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
|
|
I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
|
|
a moment and then log off.
|
|
%
|
|
Technological progress has merely provided us
|
|
with more efficient means for going backwards.
|
|
-- Aldous Huxley
|
|
%
|
|
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
|
|
%
|
|
Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
|
|
-- Geoffrey Chaucer
|
|
%
|
|
Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
|
|
you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
|
|
but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
|
|
already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
|
|
-- Erma Bombeck
|
|
%
|
|
telephone, n.:
|
|
An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
|
|
making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
TELEPRESSION:
|
|
The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
|
|
hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
|
|
burden on the directory assistant.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
|
|
-- Ernie Kovacs
|
|
%
|
|
Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
|
|
-- Robert Carson
|
|
%
|
|
Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
|
|
-- Alfred Hitchcock
|
|
%
|
|
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
|
|
each other.
|
|
-- Ann Landers
|
|
%
|
|
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
|
|
-- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
|
|
%
|
|
Television is now so desperately hungry for material
|
|
that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
%
|
|
Television only proves that people will look at anything --
|
|
rather than each other.
|
|
%
|
|
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
|
|
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
|
|
to touch to be sure.
|
|
%
|
|
Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
|
|
Is those things arms, or is they legs?
|
|
I marvel at thee, Octopus;
|
|
If I were thou, I'd call me us.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
Tell me what to think!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Tell me why the stars do shine,
|
|
Tell me why the ivy twines,
|
|
Tell me why the sky's so blue,
|
|
And I will tell you just why I love you.
|
|
|
|
Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
|
|
Phototropism makes ivy twine,
|
|
Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
|
|
Sexual hormones are why I love you.
|
|
%
|
|
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
|
|
promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
|
|
-- A. Hope
|
|
%
|
|
Tempt me with a spoon!
|
|
%
|
|
Tempt not a desperate man.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
|
|
%
|
|
Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
|
|
shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
|
|
When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
|
|
entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven
|
|
showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of
|
|
his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word.
|
|
Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and
|
|
handed the others to Dutsky.
|
|
"Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
|
|
%
|
|
Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
|
|
shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
|
|
When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
|
|
entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
|
|
seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
|
|
of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
|
|
word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
|
|
and handed the others to Dutsky.
|
|
"Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
|
|
%
|
|
Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
|
|
-- Napoleon I
|
|
%
|
|
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
|
|
way of telling you to stop writing.
|
|
-- R. Geis
|
|
%
|
|
Terence, this is stupid stuff:
|
|
You eat your victuals fast enough;
|
|
There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
|
|
To see the rate you drink your beer.
|
|
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
|
|
It gives a chap the belly-ache.
|
|
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
|
|
It sleeps well the horned head:
|
|
We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
|
|
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
|
|
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
|
|
Your friends to death before their time.
|
|
Moping, melancholy mad:
|
|
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
|
|
-- A.E. Housman
|
|
%
|
|
Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
|
|
school, and then work, work, work till we die.
|
|
-- C.S. Lewis
|
|
%
|
|
Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
|
|
amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
|
|
the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
|
|
to risk offending God's grandmother.
|
|
-- Len Cool, "American Pie"
|
|
%
|
|
Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan,
|
|
and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about
|
|
his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the
|
|
sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd).
|
|
This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
|
|
"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
|
|
is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
|
|
is impossible."
|
|
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
|
|
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
|
|
-- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
|
|
[Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Test for paraquat:
|
|
Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
|
|
of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
|
|
leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
|
|
bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
|
|
the solution will turn blue-green.
|
|
%
|
|
Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
|
|
%
|
|
TEUTONIC:
|
|
Not enough gin.
|
|
%
|
|
TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
|
|
century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
|
|
terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
|
|
-- Gordon Bell
|
|
%
|
|
Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
|
|
of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
|
|
"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
|
|
unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
|
|
the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
|
|
told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
|
|
the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
|
|
"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
|
|
called you from here."
|
|
%
|
|
Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
|
|
-- Wayne Oakes
|
|
%
|
|
Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler
|
|
%
|
|
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
|
|
%
|
|
That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
|
|
-- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
|
|
%
|
|
That does not compute.
|
|
%
|
|
That feeling just came over me.
|
|
-- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
|
|
%
|
|
That government is best which governs least.
|
|
-- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
|
|
%
|
|
That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
|
|
that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
|
|
in the same way as us.
|
|
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
That money talks,
|
|
I'll not deny,
|
|
I heard it once,
|
|
It said "Good-bye.
|
|
-- Richard Armour
|
|
%
|
|
That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
|
|
-- Moliere
|
|
%
|
|
That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
|
|
sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
|
|
narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
|
|
%
|
|
That that is is that that is not is not.
|
|
%
|
|
That, that is, is.
|
|
That, that is not, is not.
|
|
That, that is, is not that, that is not.
|
|
That, that is not, is not that, that is.
|
|
%
|
|
...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
|
|
the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
|
|
hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
|
|
A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
|
|
liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
|
|
REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
|
|
-- Linden and Wihelminalaan
|
|
%
|
|
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
|
|
%
|
|
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
|
|
remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
|
|
write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
|
|
-- Heine
|
|
%
|
|
That's always the way when you discover
|
|
something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
|
|
-- Evelyn E. Smith
|
|
%
|
|
That's life.
|
|
What's life?
|
|
A magazine.
|
|
How much does it cost?
|
|
Two-fifty.
|
|
I only have a dollar.
|
|
That's life.
|
|
%
|
|
That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
|
|
who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
|
|
thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
|
|
thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
|
|
-- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
|
|
%
|
|
"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
|
|
omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
|
|
%
|
|
That's no moon...
|
|
-- Obi-wan Kenobi
|
|
%
|
|
That's odd. That's very odd.
|
|
Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
|
|
%
|
|
That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
|
|
-- Neil Armstrong
|
|
%
|
|
That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, on sex
|
|
%
|
|
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
|
|
really hate is lousy programmers.
|
|
-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
|
|
%
|
|
That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
|
|
returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
|
|
-- Bill Veeck
|
|
%
|
|
That's what she said.
|
|
%
|
|
That's where the money was.
|
|
-- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
|
|
|
|
It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
|
|
-- Willie Sutton
|
|
%
|
|
The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
|
|
"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
|
|
"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
|
|
"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
|
|
-- R.B. Greenberg
|
|
%
|
|
The 357.73 Theory --
|
|
Auditors always reject expense accounts
|
|
with a bottom line divisible by 5.
|
|
%
|
|
The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
|
|
%
|
|
The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
|
|
Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
|
|
-- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
|
|
%
|
|
The Abrams' Principle:
|
|
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
|
|
%
|
|
The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
|
|
-- T. Cheatham
|
|
%
|
|
The absent ones are always at fault.
|
|
%
|
|
The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
|
|
-- A. Camus
|
|
%
|
|
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
|
|
%
|
|
The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
|
|
-- Clifton Fadiman
|
|
%
|
|
The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
|
|
hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
|
|
makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
|
|
undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
|
|
anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
|
|
-- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
|
|
%
|
|
The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
|
|
does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
|
|
-- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
|
|
%
|
|
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
|
|
he is already degraded.
|
|
-- George Orwell
|
|
%
|
|
The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
|
|
facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
|
|
-- Whitehead.
|
|
%
|
|
The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
|
|
belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
|
|
%
|
|
The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
|
|
For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
|
|
-- Bart Miller
|
|
%
|
|
The all-softening overpowering knell,
|
|
The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
|
|
-- Lord Byron
|
|
%
|
|
The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
|
|
fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill, 1942
|
|
%
|
|
The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
|
|
to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
|
|
|
|
Film at 11:00.
|
|
%
|
|
The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
|
|
eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
|
|
-- Finlay Peter Dunne
|
|
%
|
|
The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
|
|
call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
|
|
opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
|
|
-- Al Capone
|
|
%
|
|
The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
|
|
pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
|
|
%
|
|
The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
|
|
in billigrahams.
|
|
%
|
|
The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
|
|
just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
|
|
-- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
|
|
%
|
|
The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
|
|
of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
|
|
Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
|
|
even better, nobody has to play it.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
|
|
I don't mind... and you don't matter.
|
|
|
|
-- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
|
|
%
|
|
The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
|
|
-- E. Costello
|
|
%
|
|
The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
|
|
with which you can threaten your enemies.
|
|
-- Bonnard
|
|
%
|
|
The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
|
|
sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
|
|
--Salvador De Madariaga
|
|
%
|
|
The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
|
|
-- Albertano of Brescia
|
|
%
|
|
The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
|
|
doctors nor lawyers.
|
|
-- L. Docquier
|
|
%
|
|
The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
|
|
session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
|
|
advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
|
|
publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
|
|
giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
|
|
we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
|
|
book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
|
|
field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
|
|
ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
|
|
very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
|
|
lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
|
|
courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
|
|
[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
|
|
arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
|
|
time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
|
|
for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
|
|
then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
|
|
Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
|
|
And dare not stray to ideas new,
|
|
For if t'were tried they might e'en work
|
|
And for a living what woulds't we do?
|
|
%
|
|
The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
|
|
|
|
Four day work week,
|
|
Two ply toilet paper!
|
|
%
|
|
The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
|
|
released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
|
|
Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
|
|
%
|
|
The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
|
|
and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
|
|
All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
|
|
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
|
|
their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
|
|
Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
|
|
the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
|
|
logs to multiply."
|
|
%
|
|
The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
|
|
never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
|
|
and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
|
|
through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
|
|
-- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
|
|
%
|
|
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
|
|
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
|
|
and color, but also on ability.
|
|
-- T. Lehrer
|
|
%
|
|
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
|
|
-- Bill Murray
|
|
%
|
|
The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in
|
|
effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
|
|
Declaration not for that, but for future use.
|
|
-- Abraham Lincoln
|
|
%
|
|
The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
|
|
Jupiter can have no satellites:
|
|
|
|
There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
|
|
eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
|
|
unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
|
|
From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
|
|
metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
|
|
of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
|
|
Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
|
|
therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
|
|
and therefore do not exist.
|
|
%
|
|
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
|
|
%
|
|
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
|
|
knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
|
|
-- Ladies' Home Journal
|
|
%
|
|
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
|
|
the morning feeling just terrible.
|
|
-- Jean Kerr
|
|
%
|
|
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
|
|
%
|
|
The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
|
|
a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
|
|
%
|
|
The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
|
|
%
|
|
The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
|
|
one graveyard to another.
|
|
-- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
|
|
%
|
|
The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
|
|
disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
|
|
feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
|
|
their father.
|
|
-- Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
|
|
into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
|
|
-- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
|
|
%
|
|
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
|
|
carries any reward.
|
|
-- John Maynard Keynes
|
|
%
|
|
The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn,
|
|
Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn,
|
|
And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone,
|
|
It's just, just one of those, one of those days,
|
|
Just one of those, one of those days
|
|
-- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
|
|
%
|
|
The bank sent our statement this morning,
|
|
The red ink was a sight of great awe!
|
|
Their figures and mine might have balanced,
|
|
But my wife was too quick on the draw.
|
|
%
|
|
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
|
|
Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
|
|
park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
|
|
dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
|
|
difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to
|
|
do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
|
|
I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
|
|
truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
|
|
on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
|
|
accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
|
|
whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
|
|
parking lots.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
|
|
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
|
|
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
|
|
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
|
|
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
|
|
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
|
|
%
|
|
THE BEATLES:
|
|
Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
|
|
%
|
|
The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
|
|
%
|
|
The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
|
|
-- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
|
|
|
|
[If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
|
|
believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
|
|
Memory". Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
|
|
-- Maurice Baring
|
|
%
|
|
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
|
|
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
|
|
%
|
|
The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
|
|
live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
|
|
Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
|
|
live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
|
|
The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
|
|
live with a British wife, and eat American food.
|
|
|
|
--Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
|
|
%
|
|
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
|
|
%
|
|
The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
|
|
but doesn't.
|
|
-- Tom Crichton
|
|
%
|
|
The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
|
|
-- Scotty
|
|
%
|
|
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
|
|
However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
|
|
by judging things by their price.
|
|
%
|
|
The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
|
|
what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
|
|
them while they do it.
|
|
-- Theodore Roosevelt
|
|
%
|
|
The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
|
|
%
|
|
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
|
|
-- Blair
|
|
%
|
|
The best man for the job is often a woman.
|
|
%
|
|
The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
|
|
head waiter.
|
|
-- Nubar Gulbenkian
|
|
%
|
|
The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
|
|
nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
|
|
-- Wordsworth
|
|
%
|
|
The best prophet of the future is the past.
|
|
%
|
|
The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
|
|
redoubtable John W. Campbell:
|
|
|
|
The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
|
|
people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
|
|
dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
|
|
being read by a corpse.
|
|
%
|
|
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
|
|
fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
|
|
drifting side by side to our common doom.
|
|
-- Clarence Darrow
|
|
%
|
|
The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
|
|
company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
|
|
%
|
|
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
|
|
%
|
|
The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
|
|
%
|
|
The best things in life are for a fee.
|
|
%
|
|
The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
|
|
%
|
|
The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
|
|
%
|
|
The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
|
|
%
|
|
The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
|
|
%
|
|
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
|
|
%
|
|
The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
|
|
smoke is a right worth dying for.
|
|
%
|
|
The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
|
|
scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
|
|
when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
|
|
way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
|
|
Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
|
|
work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
|
|
-- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
|
|
%
|
|
The best you get is an even break.
|
|
-- Franklin Adams
|
|
%
|
|
The better part of valor is discretion.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
|
|
%
|
|
The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
|
|
To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
|
|
to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
|
|
It's just that they need more supervision.
|
|
%
|
|
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
|
|
never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
|
|
-- Abraham Lincoln
|
|
%
|
|
The Bible on letters of reference:
|
|
|
|
Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
|
|
we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
|
|
No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
|
|
man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
|
|
-- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
|
|
%
|
|
The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
|
|
-- Nora Ephron
|
|
%
|
|
The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
|
|
and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
|
|
women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
|
|
more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
|
|
-- Jules Feiffer
|
|
%
|
|
The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
|
|
themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
|
|
this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
|
|
hungry all the time?
|
|
%
|
|
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
|
|
%
|
|
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
|
|
-- Merrick Furst
|
|
%
|
|
The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
|
|
working for someone else.
|
|
%
|
|
The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
|
|
occurred.
|
|
%
|
|
The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
|
|
and the bird is on the wing.
|
|
-- Omar Khayyam
|
|
%
|
|
The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
|
|
because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
|
|
and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
|
|
Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
|
|
of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
|
|
containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
|
|
put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
|
|
of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
|
|
%
|
|
The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
|
|
%
|
|
The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
|
|
-- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
|
|
%
|
|
The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
|
|
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
|
|
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
|
|
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
|
|
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
|
|
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
|
|
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
|
|
-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
%
|
|
The boy stood on the burning deck,
|
|
Eating peanuts by the peck.
|
|
His father called him, but he could not go,
|
|
For he loved those peanuts so.
|
|
%
|
|
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
|
|
you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
|
|
%
|
|
The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
|
|
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
|
|
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
|
|
one, and convert to the next higher units.
|
|
%
|
|
The British are coming! The British are coming!
|
|
%
|
|
The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
|
|
fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
|
|
%
|
|
The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
|
|
and humiliating reality.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
|
|
digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
|
|
of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
|
|
the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
|
|
-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
|
|
%
|
|
The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
|
|
the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
|
|
-- Kay Bostic
|
|
%
|
|
The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
|
|
Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
|
|
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
|
|
time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
|
|
Days of Pompeii."
|
|
|
|
Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
|
|
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
|
|
Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
|
|
written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
|
|
|
|
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
|
|
at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
|
|
wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
|
|
lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
|
|
flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
|
|
%
|
|
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
|
|
people, and don't come in clearly enough.
|
|
-- Bill Maher
|
|
%
|
|
The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
|
|
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
|
|
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
|
|
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
|
|
with Basil.
|
|
-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
%
|
|
The carbonyl is polarized,
|
|
The delta end is plus.
|
|
The nucleophile will thus attack,
|
|
The carbon nucleus.
|
|
Addition makes an alcohol,
|
|
Of types there are but three.
|
|
It makes a bond, to correspond,
|
|
From C to shining C.
|
|
-- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
|
|
%
|
|
The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
|
|
-- Herbert von Fritzlar
|
|
%
|
|
The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction.
|
|
%
|
|
The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
|
|
sometimes three.
|
|
-- Alexandre Dumas
|
|
%
|
|
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
|
|
at the steam fitters picnic.
|
|
%
|
|
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
|
|
-- Eric Sevareid
|
|
%
|
|
The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense
|
|
-- Picasso
|
|
%
|
|
The church is near but the road is icy,
|
|
the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
|
|
-- Russian Proverb
|
|
%
|
|
The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
|
|
-- Elbert Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
|
|
specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
|
|
rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
|
|
%
|
|
The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
|
|
%
|
|
The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
|
|
-- John Muir
|
|
%
|
|
The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
|
|
the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
|
|
military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
|
|
private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
|
|
and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
|
|
who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
|
|
-- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
|
|
%
|
|
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
|
|
%
|
|
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a
|
|
job application.
|
|
%
|
|
The closest to perfection a person ever comes
|
|
is when he fills out a job application form.
|
|
-- Stanley J. Randall
|
|
%
|
|
The clothes have no emperor.
|
|
-- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
|
|
%
|
|
The coast was clear.
|
|
-- Lope de Vega
|
|
%
|
|
The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
|
|
intellectual nakedness.
|
|
-- Robert M. Hutchins
|
|
%
|
|
The Commandments of the EE:
|
|
|
|
1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
|
|
lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
|
|
embarrassing manner.
|
|
2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
|
|
be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
|
|
earthly vale of tears.
|
|
3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
|
|
which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
|
|
thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
|
|
a radiator too.
|
|
4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
|
|
shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
|
|
unbelievers.
|
|
%
|
|
The Commandments of the EE:
|
|
|
|
5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
|
|
measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
|
|
both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
|
|
property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
|
|
one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
|
|
6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
|
|
for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
|
|
the fury of the engineers on his head.
|
|
7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
|
|
friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
|
|
her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
|
|
8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
|
|
for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
|
|
thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
|
|
sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
|
|
%
|
|
The Commandments of the EE:
|
|
|
|
9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
|
|
commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
|
|
frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
|
|
10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
|
|
written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
|
|
and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
|
|
thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
|
|
11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
|
|
unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
|
|
that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
|
|
experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
|
|
innocent-seeming device.
|
|
%
|
|
The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
|
|
%
|
|
The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
|
|
entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
|
|
50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
|
|
the 80's.
|
|
-- Marty Winston
|
|
%
|
|
The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
|
|
central power station is to the electrical industry.
|
|
-- Peter Drucker
|
|
%
|
|
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
|
|
-- Alan Perlis
|
|
%
|
|
The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
|
|
defined several times by examples of what it is not.
|
|
%
|
|
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
|
|
and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
|
|
language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
|
|
dangerous.
|
|
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
|
|
%
|
|
The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
|
|
than what we've got!
|
|
%
|
|
The control of the production of wealth
|
|
is the control of human life itself.
|
|
-- Hilaire Belloc
|
|
%
|
|
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
|
|
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
|
|
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
|
|
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get
|
|
you talked about.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
|
|
%
|
|
The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
|
|
%
|
|
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
|
|
%
|
|
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
|
|
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
|
|
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
|
|
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
|
|
career.
|
|
-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
%
|
|
The course of true anything never does run smooth.
|
|
-- Samuel Butler
|
|
%
|
|
The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
|
|
judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
|
|
Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
|
|
ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
|
|
"Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
|
|
father!"
|
|
%
|
|
The covers of this book are too far apart.
|
|
-- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
|
|
%
|
|
The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
|
|
-- John McNulty
|
|
%
|
|
The Crown is full of it!
|
|
-- Nate Harris, 1775
|
|
%
|
|
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
|
|
be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
|
|
propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
|
|
and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
|
|
assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
|
|
of all our rights and privileges.
|
|
-- William Ellery Channing
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
|
|
words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
|
|
-- Susan Dooley
|
|
%
|
|
The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
|
|
-- Andy Purshottam
|
|
%
|
|
The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
|
|
a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
|
|
%
|
|
The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
|
|
Every class is unfit to govern.
|
|
-- Lord Acton
|
|
%
|
|
The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
|
|
plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
|
|
Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
|
|
be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
|
|
agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
|
|
nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
|
|
that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
|
|
years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
|
|
-- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
|
|
%
|
|
The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
|
|
and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
|
|
-- H.D. Thoreau
|
|
%
|
|
The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
|
|
as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
|
|
the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
|
|
dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
|
|
this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
|
|
doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
%
|
|
The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
|
|
%
|
|
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
|
|
to a tedious book.
|
|
%
|
|
The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
|
|
who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
|
|
Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
|
|
%
|
|
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
|
|
%
|
|
The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
|
|
%
|
|
The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
|
|
Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
|
|
%
|
|
The degree of civilization in a society
|
|
can be judged by entering its prisons.
|
|
-- F. Dostoyevski
|
|
%
|
|
The degree of technical confidence is inversely
|
|
proportional to the level of management.
|
|
%
|
|
The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
|
|
people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
|
|
-- Logan Pearsall Smith
|
|
%
|
|
The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
|
|
successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
|
|
and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
|
|
of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
|
|
second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
|
|
Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
|
|
into a drawer.
|
|
Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
|
|
young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
|
|
The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
|
|
crisis passed.
|
|
Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured
|
|
manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
|
|
He held another press conference, announcing that the division
|
|
would be restructured. The crisis passed.
|
|
A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
|
|
blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
|
|
into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
|
|
"Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
|
|
%
|
|
The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
|
|
-- Anaxagoras
|
|
%
|
|
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
%
|
|
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
|
|
%
|
|
The devil finds work for idle glands.
|
|
%
|
|
The die is cast.
|
|
-- Gaius Julius Caesar
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
|
|
exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
|
|
the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
|
|
it would be a calamity.
|
|
-- Benjamin Disraeli
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
|
|
miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between art and science is that science is what we
|
|
understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
|
|
-- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
|
|
thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
|
|
is thinking that they're conspiring.
|
|
-- J. Kegler
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
|
|
called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between legal separation and divorce is
|
|
that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between reality and unreality
|
|
is that reality has so little to recommend it.
|
|
-- Allan Sherman
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
|
|
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
|
|
-- Robert Heinlein
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
|
|
Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
|
|
rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
|
|
swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
|
|
-- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
|
|
you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
|
|
swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
|
|
sentimentality.
|
|
-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between the right word and the almost right word
|
|
is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between this place and yogurt
|
|
is that yogurt has a live culture.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between us is not very far,
|
|
cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
|
|
%
|
|
The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
|
|
-- T.K.
|
|
%
|
|
The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
|
|
%
|
|
The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
|
|
the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
|
|
work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
|
|
-- Russell Baker
|
|
%
|
|
The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
|
|
%
|
|
The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
|
|
%
|
|
The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
|
|
naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
The distinction between true and false appears to become
|
|
increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
|
|
-- Arne Tiselius
|
|
%
|
|
The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
|
|
the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
|
|
and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
|
|
-- John Adams
|
|
%
|
|
The door is the key.
|
|
%
|
|
The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
|
|
this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
|
|
hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
|
|
the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
|
|
it to his master.
|
|
"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
|
|
"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
|
|
%
|
|
The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
|
|
of the woman.
|
|
-- Honore de Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
|
|
%
|
|
The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
|
|
%
|
|
The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
|
|
and owns the worm farm.
|
|
-- Travis McGee
|
|
%
|
|
The early worm gets the bird.
|
|
%
|
|
The early worm gets the late bird.
|
|
%
|
|
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
|
|
%
|
|
"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
|
|
teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
|
|
|
|
"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
|
|
or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
|
|
hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
|
|
But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
|
|
valuable possession to him."
|
|
|
|
"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
|
|
end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
|
|
to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
|
|
have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable
|
|
enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
|
|
roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
|
|
would tire of the spectacle eventually."
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
|
|
*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
|
|
-- Mel Brooks
|
|
%
|
|
The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
|
|
%
|
|
The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
|
|
to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
|
|
Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
|
|
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
|
|
Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
|
|
first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
|
|
that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
|
|
over the post of robotics correspondent.
|
|
Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
|
|
had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
|
|
the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
|
|
Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
|
|
wall when the revolution came'.
|
|
%
|
|
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
|
|
-- Buckminster Fuller
|
|
%
|
|
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
|
|
%
|
|
The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday,
|
|
with symposium to follow.
|
|
%
|
|
The ends justify the means.
|
|
-- after Matthew Prior
|
|
%
|
|
The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
|
|
of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
|
|
of these atoms is talking moonshine.
|
|
-- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
|
|
the first time
|
|
%
|
|
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
|
|
in full pursuit of the uneatable.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
|
|
%
|
|
The English have no respect for their language,
|
|
and will not teach their children to speak it.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
The English instinctively admire any man
|
|
who has no talent and is modest about it.
|
|
-- James Agate, British film and drama critic
|
|
%
|
|
The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic
|
|
purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
|
|
place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
|
|
before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
|
|
all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
|
|
result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
|
|
relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
|
|
Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
|
|
|
|
A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
|
|
"What kind of family do you come from?"
|
|
"A rich, Jewish family."
|
|
"And your wife?"
|
|
"A German aristocrat."
|
|
"Have you ever been to the West?"
|
|
"I spent most of my life in England."
|
|
"How did you make a living there?"
|
|
"A friend supported me."
|
|
"Where did you get the money from?"
|
|
"He owned a textile factory."
|
|
"Who was Lenin?"
|
|
"Never heard of him."
|
|
"What is your name?"
|
|
"Karl Marx."
|
|
%
|
|
[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
|
|
practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
|
|
-- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
|
|
presidential aspirant.
|
|
%
|
|
The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
|
|
for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
|
|
a substitute for intelligence.
|
|
-- Lyman Bryson
|
|
%
|
|
The eternal feminine draws us upward.
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
|
|
-- Anne Boleyn
|
|
%
|
|
The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
|
|
is the most likely to be correct.
|
|
-- William of Occam
|
|
%
|
|
The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
|
|
the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
|
|
own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
|
|
of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
|
|
of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
|
|
what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
|
|
everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
|
|
so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
|
|
in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
|
|
-- Chuang Tzu
|
|
%
|
|
The eyes of taxes are upon you.
|
|
%
|
|
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
|
|
All the livelong day;
|
|
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
|
|
You cannot get away;
|
|
Do not think you can escape them
|
|
From night 'til early in the morn;
|
|
The eyes of Texas are upon you
|
|
'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
|
|
-- University of Texas' school song
|
|
%
|
|
The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
|
|
utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
|
|
a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
|
|
-- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
|
|
%
|
|
The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
|
|
in general as no other can.
|
|
-- Wilhelm Reich
|
|
%
|
|
The fact that it works is immaterial.
|
|
-- L. Ogborn
|
|
%
|
|
The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
|
|
endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
|
|
compassion.
|
|
-- Saul Alinsky
|
|
%
|
|
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
|
|
%
|
|
The farther you go, the less you know.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
|
|
%
|
|
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
|
|
%
|
|
The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
|
|
outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
|
|
say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
|
|
so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
|
|
so long as they are Tories.
|
|
-- Christopher Booker
|
|
%
|
|
The faster I go, the behinder I get.
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
The Fastest Defeat In Chess
|
|
The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
|
|
master.
|
|
In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
|
|
Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
|
|
chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
|
|
of their own homes.
|
|
Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
|
|
1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
|
|
2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
|
|
3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
|
|
4: P-K6, Kt-K6/
|
|
White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
|
|
either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
|
|
business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
|
|
lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
|
|
of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
|
|
"Whaddaya want?"
|
|
"Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
|
|
"Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
|
|
%
|
|
The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
|
|
and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
|
|
suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
|
|
I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
|
|
dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
|
|
quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
|
|
and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
|
|
for them to despise science fiction.
|
|
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
|
|
%
|
|
The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
|
|
wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
|
|
"Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
|
|
you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
|
|
the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
|
|
center at Notre Dame."
|
|
"Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
|
|
times."
|
|
%
|
|
"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
|
|
supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
|
|
anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
|
|
husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
|
|
and become lesbians."
|
|
%
|
|
The Fifth Rule:
|
|
You have taken yourself too seriously.
|
|
%
|
|
The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
|
|
-- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
|
|
%
|
|
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
|
|
%
|
|
The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
|
|
the Bible.
|
|
-- John Quincy Adams
|
|
|
|
All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
|
|
but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
|
|
to man are contained in it.
|
|
-- Abraham Lincoln
|
|
|
|
... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
|
|
life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
|
|
guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
|
|
-- Woodrow Wilson
|
|
%
|
|
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
|
|
-- Abbie Hoffman
|
|
%
|
|
The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
|
|
Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic
|
|
death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks.
|
|
Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city,
|
|
complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his
|
|
breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's
|
|
death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's
|
|
relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some
|
|
were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A
|
|
few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants
|
|
unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
|
|
thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of
|
|
grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas
|
|
Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and
|
|
the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely
|
|
accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant
|
|
of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's
|
|
enemies, and revamp the postal system.
|
|
-- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon"
|
|
%
|
|
The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
|
|
-- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
|
|
%
|
|
The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head.
|
|
Understand?
|
|
-- Joey Glimco
|
|
%
|
|
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
|
|
by our children.
|
|
-- Clarence Darrow
|
|
%
|
|
The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
|
|
and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
|
|
%
|
|
The first myth of management is that it exists.
|
|
%
|
|
The first requisite for immortality is death.
|
|
-- Stanislaw Lem
|
|
%
|
|
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
|
|
was propounded to me by my father:
|
|
|
|
"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
|
|
I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up.
|
|
"A herring," said my father.
|
|
"A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
|
|
"So hang it there."
|
|
"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
|
|
"Paint it."
|
|
"But a herring isn't wet."
|
|
"If it's just painted it's still wet."
|
|
"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage,
|
|
"a herring doesn't whistle!!"
|
|
"Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
|
|
-- Leo Rosten
|
|
%
|
|
The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
|
|
-- Paul Erlich
|
|
%
|
|
The First Rule of Program Optimization:
|
|
Don't do it.
|
|
|
|
The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
|
|
Don't do it yet.
|
|
-- Michael Jackson
|
|
%
|
|
The first thing I do in the morning
|
|
is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
|
|
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
|
|
%
|
|
The first version always gets thrown away.
|
|
%
|
|
The five rules of Socialism:
|
|
|
|
1. Don't think.
|
|
2. If you do think, don't speak.
|
|
3. If you think and speak, don't write.
|
|
4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
|
|
5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
|
|
|
|
-- being told in Poland, 1987
|
|
%
|
|
...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
|
|
%
|
|
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
|
|
-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
|
|
%
|
|
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
|
|
-- Alan Coult
|
|
%
|
|
The following statement is not true.
|
|
The previous statement is true.
|
|
%
|
|
The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
|
|
|
|
1. You can't push on a string.
|
|
2. Ain't no free lunches.
|
|
3. Them as has, gets.
|
|
4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
|
|
%
|
|
The Force is what holds everything together.
|
|
It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
|
|
It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
|
|
%
|
|
The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
|
|
completely surrounded by people who want some.
|
|
-- Dwight MacDonald
|
|
%
|
|
The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
|
|
because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
|
|
rests on mutual help.
|
|
-- Laukikanyay.
|
|
%
|
|
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
|
|
and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
|
|
%
|
|
The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
|
|
received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities.
|
|
%
|
|
The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
|
|
trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
|
|
%
|
|
The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
|
|
objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
|
|
due to levitation.
|
|
Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
|
|
if the character does not have fire resistance.
|
|
-- README file from the NetHack game
|
|
%
|
|
[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
|
|
-- W. Somerset Maugham
|
|
%
|
|
The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
|
|
number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
|
|
%
|
|
The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
|
|
of both parties tactfully interferes.
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton
|
|
%
|
|
The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
|
|
but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
|
|
-- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
|
|
%
|
|
The future is a myth created by insurance
|
|
salesmen and high school counselors.
|
|
%
|
|
The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
|
|
-- H.G. Wells
|
|
%
|
|
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
|
|
%
|
|
The future lies ahead.
|
|
%
|
|
The future not being born, my friend,
|
|
we will abstain from baptizing it.
|
|
-- George Meredith
|
|
%
|
|
The garden is in mourning;
|
|
The rain falls cool among the flowers.
|
|
Summer shivers quietly
|
|
On its way towards its end.
|
|
|
|
Golden leaf after leaf
|
|
Falls from the tall acacia.
|
|
Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
|
|
In this dying dream of a garden.
|
|
|
|
For a long while, yet, in the roses,
|
|
She will linger on, yearning for peace,
|
|
And slowly
|
|
Close her weary eyes.
|
|
-- Hermann Hesse, "September"
|
|
%
|
|
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
|
|
%
|
|
The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
|
|
people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
|
|
drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
%
|
|
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
|
|
%
|
|
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
|
|
%
|
|
The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
|
|
remember her first husband.
|
|
%
|
|
The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
|
|
%
|
|
The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
|
|
-- Sophia Loren
|
|
%
|
|
The glances over cocktails
|
|
That seemed to be so sweet
|
|
Don't seem quite so amorous
|
|
Over Shredded Wheat
|
|
%
|
|
The goal of Computer Science is to build something
|
|
that will at least last until we've finished building it.
|
|
%
|
|
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
|
|
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
|
|
%
|
|
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
|
|
They gave him love and he invented marriage.
|
|
%
|
|
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
|
|
is your move.
|
|
-- Frank Crane
|
|
%
|
|
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
|
|
He who has the gold makes the rules.
|
|
%
|
|
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
|
|
to be good.
|
|
-- John Barrymore
|
|
%
|
|
The good (I am convinced, for one)
|
|
Is but the bad one leaves undone.
|
|
Once your reputation's done
|
|
You can live a life of fun.
|
|
-- Wilhelm Busch
|
|
%
|
|
The good life was so elusive
|
|
It really got me down
|
|
I had to regain some confidence
|
|
So I got into camouflage
|
|
%
|
|
The good time is approaching,
|
|
The season is at hand.
|
|
When the merry click of the two-base lick
|
|
Will be heard throughout the land.
|
|
The frost still lingers on the earth, and
|
|
Budless are the trees.
|
|
But the merry ring of the voice of spring
|
|
Is borne upon the breeze.
|
|
-- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
|
|
%
|
|
The Gordian Maxim:
|
|
If a string has one end, it has another.
|
|
%
|
|
The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
|
|
to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
|
|
and they can't fire it.
|
|
%
|
|
The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
|
|
Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
|
|
and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
|
|
%
|
|
The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
|
|
Christian Religion
|
|
-- George Washington
|
|
%
|
|
The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
|
|
with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
|
|
fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
|
|
for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
|
|
"Send Lord Combermere."
|
|
"But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
|
|
Combermere a fool."
|
|
"So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
|
|
-- G.W.E. Russell
|
|
%
|
|
The goys have proven the following theorem...
|
|
-- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
|
|
lecture.
|
|
%
|
|
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
|
|
%
|
|
The grave's a fine and private place,
|
|
but none, I think, do there embrace.
|
|
-- Andrew Marvell
|
|
%
|
|
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
|
|
-- Charles de Gaulle
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
|
|
The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship,
|
|
his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks.
|
|
Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of
|
|
time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
|
|
Hedgehog Eater.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
|
|
-- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
|
|
With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
|
|
-- Tea with a Kick (1924)
|
|
|
|
Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
|
|
GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
|
|
-- The Wild Party (1929)
|
|
|
|
YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
|
|
DIX -- the dashing soldier!
|
|
DIX -- the bold adventurer!
|
|
DIX -- the throbbing lover!
|
|
-- The Wheel of Life (1929)
|
|
|
|
SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
|
|
SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
|
|
-- The Night is Young (1934)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
|
|
unimaginable hell.
|
|
-- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
|
|
|
|
NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
|
|
-- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
|
|
|
|
LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF
|
|
SLAUGHTER!
|
|
-- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
|
|
|
|
The family that slays together stays together.
|
|
-- Bloody Mama (1970)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
|
|
-- Squirm (1976)
|
|
|
|
Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
|
|
This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
|
|
-- The New House on the Left (1977)
|
|
|
|
WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
|
|
-- Zombie (1980)
|
|
|
|
It's not human and it's got an axe.
|
|
-- The Prey (1981)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
|
|
SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
|
|
... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
|
|
-- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
|
|
|
|
An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
|
|
-- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
|
|
|
|
WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
|
|
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
|
|
Alone, only a harmless pet...
|
|
One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
|
|
-- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
|
|
|
|
They're Over-Exposed
|
|
But Not Under-Developed!
|
|
-- Cover Girl Models (1976)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
|
|
-- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
|
|
|
|
Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
|
|
Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
|
|
-- Untamed Mistress (1960)
|
|
|
|
NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
|
|
FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
|
|
-- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
|
|
-- The Cycle Savages (1969)
|
|
|
|
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
|
|
|
|
-- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
|
|
|
|
TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
|
|
-- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
|
|
|
|
They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
|
|
-- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
|
|
of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
|
|
you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
|
|
-- Spitfire (1934)
|
|
|
|
Do Native Women Live With Apes?
|
|
-- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
|
|
|
|
JUNGLE KISS!!
|
|
When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
|
|
was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
|
|
she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic
|
|
spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
|
|
was a girl in love!
|
|
SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
|
|
-- Her Jungle Love (1938)
|
|
|
|
LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
|
|
-- Intermezzo (1939)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
|
|
-- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
|
|
|
|
She Sins in Mobile --
|
|
Marries in Houston --
|
|
Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
|
|
Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
|
|
MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
|
|
FIRST -- HARLOW!
|
|
THEN -- MONROE!
|
|
NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
|
|
-- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
|
|
|
|
*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
|
|
A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
|
|
1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
|
|
-- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
|
|
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
|
|
Became Mixed Up Zombies)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
|
|
-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
|
|
-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
|
|
-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
|
|
-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
|
|
SEE the burning of a virgin!
|
|
SEE power of witch doctor over women!
|
|
SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
|
|
-- Kwaheri (1965)
|
|
|
|
The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
|
|
-- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
|
|
|
|
AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
|
|
A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
|
|
The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
|
|
give you the wim-wams!
|
|
-- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
|
|
SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
|
|
SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
|
|
-- Sweet and Savage (1983)
|
|
|
|
What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
|
|
-- Stroker Ace (1983)
|
|
|
|
It's always better when you come again!
|
|
-- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
|
|
|
|
You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
|
|
-- Pieces (1983)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
|
|
on a roaring rampage of revenge!
|
|
-- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
|
|
|
|
WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
|
|
SAUSAGES?
|
|
-- Meat is Meat (1972)
|
|
|
|
TODAY the Pond!
|
|
TOMORROW the World!
|
|
-- Frogs (1972)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
|
|
-- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
|
|
|
|
CAST OF 3,000!
|
|
4 WRITERS,
|
|
2 DIRECTORS,
|
|
3 CAMERAMEN,
|
|
3 PRODUCERS!
|
|
1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
|
|
24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
|
|
20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
|
|
BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
|
|
AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
|
|
THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
|
|
Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
|
|
HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
|
|
-- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
|
|
Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
|
|
-- Bwana Devil (1952)
|
|
|
|
OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
|
|
Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
|
|
the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
|
|
Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
|
|
SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
|
|
-- Robot Monster (1953)
|
|
|
|
1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
|
|
802 scared bulls!
|
|
-- The Egyptian (1954)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
|
|
horror on a screaming world!
|
|
-- The Crawling Eye (1958)
|
|
|
|
SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
|
|
giant desires!
|
|
-- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
|
|
|
|
Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
|
|
What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
|
|
Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
|
|
-- The Desperate Women (1958)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
|
|
SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
|
|
-- The Golden Mistress (1954)
|
|
|
|
See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
|
|
-- The French Line (1954)
|
|
|
|
See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
|
|
-- Hot Blood (1956)
|
|
%
|
|
The Great Movie Posters:
|
|
|
|
When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
|
|
Friends...
|
|
-- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
|
|
|
|
Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
|
|
-- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
|
|
|
|
A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
|
|
OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
|
|
-- A Taste of Blood (1967)
|
|
%
|
|
The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
|
|
like prostitutes.
|
|
-- Stanley Kubrick
|
|
%
|
|
The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
|
|
yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
|
|
feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
|
|
-- Sigmund Freud
|
|
%
|
|
The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
|
|
At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
|
|
answered themselves.
|
|
-- Arthur Binstead
|
|
%
|
|
The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
|
|
is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
|
|
%
|
|
The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
|
|
-- Sophocles
|
|
%
|
|
The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
|
|
before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
|
|
the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
|
|
their wives and daughters to his arms.
|
|
-- Genghis Khan
|
|
%
|
|
The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
|
|
-- Polish proverb
|
|
%
|
|
The Greatest Mathematical Error
|
|
The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
|
|
July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
|
|
give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
|
|
would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
|
|
corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
|
|
scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
|
|
However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
|
|
plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
|
|
Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
|
|
the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
|
|
spokesman said.
|
|
This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
|
|
%
|
|
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
|
|
-- Robert Heinlein
|
|
%
|
|
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
|
|
%
|
|
The groundhog is like most other prophets;
|
|
it delivers its message and then disappears.
|
|
%
|
|
The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
|
|
-- Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
|
|
-- J.K. Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
|
|
success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
|
|
%
|
|
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
|
|
you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
|
|
%
|
|
The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
|
|
deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
|
|
author's name on the title page.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
|
|
%
|
|
The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
|
|
-- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
|
|
%
|
|
The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
|
|
of functions performed by private citizens.
|
|
-- Alexis de Tocqueville
|
|
%
|
|
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
|
|
whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
|
|
%
|
|
The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
|
|
-- Blaise Pascal
|
|
%
|
|
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
|
|
%
|
|
...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
|
|
%
|
|
The heaviest object in the world is the
|
|
body of the woman you have ceased to love.
|
|
-- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
|
|
%
|
|
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
|
|
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
|
|
%
|
|
"The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!"
|
|
%
|
|
The help people need most urgently is
|
|
help in admitting that they need help.
|
|
%
|
|
The herd instinct among economists
|
|
makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
|
|
%
|
|
The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
|
|
challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
|
|
keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
|
|
itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
|
|
of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
|
|
is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
|
|
adventurous youth.
|
|
-- Benjamin Cardozo
|
|
%
|
|
The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
|
|
-- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
|
|
%
|
|
The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
|
|
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
|
|
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
|
|
instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
|
|
eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
|
|
have lunch?".
|
|
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
|
|
%
|
|
The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
|
|
are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
|
|
|
|
Retribution:
|
|
I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
|
|
Anticipation:
|
|
I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
|
|
Diplomacy:
|
|
I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
|
|
pretext that your brother did it.
|
|
%
|
|
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
|
|
-- Johnny Carson
|
|
%
|
|
The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
|
|
to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
|
|
-- Helen Rowland
|
|
%
|
|
The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
|
|
she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
|
|
-- Bill Lawrence
|
|
%
|
|
The horror... the horror!
|
|
%
|
|
The human animal differs from the lesser
|
|
primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
|
|
-- H. Allen Smith
|
|
%
|
|
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
|
|
you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
|
|
-- Sir George Jessel
|
|
%
|
|
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
|
|
its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
|
|
%
|
|
The human mind treats a new idea the way the
|
|
body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
|
|
-- P. Medawar
|
|
%
|
|
The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
|
|
Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
|
|
its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
|
|
us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
|
|
facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
|
|
certain degree of awe.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
|
|
%
|
|
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
|
|
-- David Gerrold
|
|
%
|
|
The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
|
|
that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
|
|
-- Leo J. Burke
|
|
%
|
|
The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
|
|
if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
|
|
-- D. Cohen
|
|
%
|
|
The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
|
|
-- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
|
|
%
|
|
The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
|
|
tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
|
|
it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
|
|
-- Doug Gwyn
|
|
%
|
|
The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
|
|
no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
|
|
-- Harry V. Wade
|
|
%
|
|
The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
|
|
are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
|
|
understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
|
|
-- John Maynard Keyes
|
|
%
|
|
The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
|
|
%
|
|
The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
|
|
-- Quintus Ennius
|
|
%
|
|
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
|
|
-- Henry Kissinger
|
|
%
|
|
The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
|
|
A program is a lot like a nose:
|
|
Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
|
|
%
|
|
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
|
|
%
|
|
The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
|
|
%
|
|
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
|
|
golf has.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
|
|
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
|
|
important thing to people.
|
|
-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
|
|
%
|
|
The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
|
|
a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
|
|
-- Bertrand Russell
|
|
%
|
|
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
|
|
the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
|
|
-- Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
|
|
there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
|
|
pointer and a mark.
|
|
-- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
|
|
%
|
|
The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
|
|
the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
|
|
affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
|
|
style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
|
|
manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
|
|
constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
|
|
overturning everything.
|
|
-- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
|
|
%
|
|
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
|
|
the group divided by the number of people in the group.
|
|
%
|
|
The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
|
|
treat the Arabs like postmen.
|
|
-- Franklyn Ajaye
|
|
%
|
|
The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
|
|
knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
|
|
Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
|
|
"I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
|
|
good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
|
|
still in."
|
|
%
|
|
"The jig's up, Elman."
|
|
"Which jig?"
|
|
-- Jeff Elman
|
|
%
|
|
The Junior God now heads the roll
|
|
In the list of heaven's peers;
|
|
He sits in the House of High Control,
|
|
And he regulates the spheres.
|
|
Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
|
|
If, even in gods divine,
|
|
The best and wisest may not be those
|
|
Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
|
|
-- R.W. Service
|
|
%
|
|
The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
|
|
debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
|
|
revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
|
|
quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
|
|
resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
|
|
workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
|
|
Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
|
|
to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
|
|
hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
|
|
nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
|
|
goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
|
|
drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
|
|
-- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
|
|
Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
|
|
Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
|
|
10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
|
|
%
|
|
The Kennedy Constant:
|
|
Don't get mad -- get even.
|
|
%
|
|
The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
|
|
-- L. Zadeh
|
|
%
|
|
The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
|
|
an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
|
|
advantage to see the truth.
|
|
-- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
|
|
%
|
|
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
|
|
%
|
|
The kind of danger people most enjoy is
|
|
the kind they can watch from a safe place.
|
|
%
|
|
The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
|
|
|
|
King: "How goes the battle plan?"
|
|
Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
|
|
K: "Yes."
|
|
A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
|
|
to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
|
|
the dust clears."
|
|
K: "And?"
|
|
A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
|
|
K: "But what about the
|
|
^#!!$% battle plan?"
|
|
A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
|
|
%
|
|
The knowledge that makes us cherish
|
|
innocence makes innocence unattainable.
|
|
-- Irving Howe
|
|
%
|
|
The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
|
|
the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
|
|
world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
|
|
dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
|
|
per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
|
|
really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
|
|
drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
|
|
I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
|
|
And now, just look at me."
|
|
%
|
|
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
|
|
Would shudder at a wicked word.
|
|
Their candle gives a single light;
|
|
They'd rather stay at home at night.
|
|
They do not keep awake till three,
|
|
Nor read erotic poetry.
|
|
They never sanction the impure,
|
|
Nor recognize an overture.
|
|
They shrink from powders and from paints...
|
|
So far, I've had no complaints.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
|
|
Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
|
|
-- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
|
|
%
|
|
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
|
|
everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
|
|
%
|
|
The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible
|
|
for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is
|
|
fired.
|
|
%
|
|
The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
|
|
%
|
|
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
|
|
-- Blaise Pascal
|
|
%
|
|
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
|
|
hand.
|
|
-- Fred Allen
|
|
%
|
|
The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
|
|
processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
|
|
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
|
|
-- Governor Tarkin
|
|
%
|
|
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
|
|
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
|
|
-- Anatole France
|
|
%
|
|
The Law of Probable Dispersal:
|
|
That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
|
|
%
|
|
The Law of the Letter:
|
|
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
|
|
%
|
|
The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
|
|
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
|
|
%
|
|
The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
|
|
should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
|
|
weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
|
|
we own.
|
|
-- H.G. Wells
|
|
%
|
|
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
|
|
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
|
|
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
|
|
give a public reading of his latest poem.
|
|
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
|
|
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
|
|
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
|
|
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
|
|
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
|
|
the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
|
|
turn."
|
|
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
|
|
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
|
|
lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
|
|
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
|
|
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
|
|
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
|
|
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
|
|
exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
|
|
their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
|
|
be better."
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The Least Successful Animal Rescue
|
|
The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
|
|
rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
|
|
emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
|
|
lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
|
|
tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
|
|
So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
|
|
later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The Least Successful Collector
|
|
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
|
|
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
|
|
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
|
|
works of Shakespeare.
|
|
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
|
|
legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
|
|
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
|
|
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
|
|
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
|
|
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The Least Successful Defrosting Device
|
|
The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
|
|
whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
|
|
"I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
|
|
got stuck fast."
|
|
While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
|
|
was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
|
|
"I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
|
|
muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
|
|
He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
|
|
constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
|
|
Lips".
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
|
|
In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
|
|
Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
|
|
legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
|
|
enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
|
|
men and women.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The Least Successful Executions
|
|
History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
|
|
The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
|
|
made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
|
|
snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
|
|
and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
|
|
punishment, he was reprieved.
|
|
The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
|
|
tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
|
|
occasion failed to get the trap door open.
|
|
In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
|
|
Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
|
|
to America and lived until 1933.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The Least Successful Police Dogs
|
|
America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
|
|
schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
|
|
in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
|
|
offend the criminal classes.
|
|
His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
|
|
and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
|
|
The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
|
|
stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
|
|
raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
|
|
1967.
|
|
While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
|
|
patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
|
|
fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
|
|
him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
|
|
-- Kin Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
The less time planning, the more time programming.
|
|
%
|
|
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
|
|
|
|
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
|
|
Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
|
|
for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
|
|
code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
|
|
END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
|
|
syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
|
|
the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
|
|
frustrating process of testing and debugging.
|
|
%
|
|
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
|
|
|
|
This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
|
|
Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
|
|
users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
|
|
lithtth.
|
|
%
|
|
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
|
|
|
|
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
|
|
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
|
|
SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
|
|
three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
|
|
while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
|
|
often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
|
|
%
|
|
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
|
|
|
|
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
|
|
industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
|
|
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
|
|
operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
|
|
accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
|
|
|
|
LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
|
|
IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
|
|
GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
|
|
VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
|
|
THEN
|
|
FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
|
|
DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
|
|
SURE
|
|
LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
|
|
GOTO THE MALL
|
|
|
|
VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
|
|
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
|
|
message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
|
|
AWESOME!
|
|
%
|
|
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
|
|
|
|
Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
|
|
DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
|
|
SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
|
|
graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
|
|
it travels across the screen.
|
|
%
|
|
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
|
|
|
|
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
|
|
unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
|
|
Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
|
|
programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
|
|
%
|
|
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
|
|
|
|
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
|
|
he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
|
|
best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
|
|
generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
|
|
a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
|
|
%
|
|
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
|
|
|
|
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
|
|
refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
|
|
FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
|
|
refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
|
|
VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
|
|
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
|
|
financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
|
|
LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
|
|
RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
|
|
who end up using this language.
|
|
%
|
|
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
|
|
|
|
LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
|
|
T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
|
|
intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
|
|
The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
|
|
while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
|
|
since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
|
|
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
|
|
gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
|
|
syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
|
|
%
|
|
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
|
|
-- Lenny Bruce
|
|
%
|
|
The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
|
|
-- Plato
|
|
%
|
|
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
|
|
%
|
|
The lion and the calf shall lie down
|
|
together but the calf won't get much sleep.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
|
|
She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
|
|
-- DeGourmont
|
|
%
|
|
The little pieces of my life I give to you,
|
|
with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
|
|
%
|
|
The little town that time forgot,
|
|
Where all the women are strong,
|
|
The men are good-looking,
|
|
And the children above-average.
|
|
-- Prairie Home Companion
|
|
%
|
|
The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
|
|
door with a basket of kittens.
|
|
"Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
|
|
"These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
|
|
Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
|
|
girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
|
|
"My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
|
|
"No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
|
|
"Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
|
|
"Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
|
|
%
|
|
The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
|
|
for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
|
|
simply making a limiting statement about himself.
|
|
-- Sidney Harris
|
|
%
|
|
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
|
|
-- Henry Kissinger
|
|
%
|
|
The longer the title, the less important the job.
|
|
%
|
|
The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
|
|
-- Marcus Terentius Varro
|
|
%
|
|
The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we
|
|
could grab as much as we could with both of them.
|
|
-- Major Major's father
|
|
%
|
|
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
|
|
Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
|
|
%
|
|
The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
|
|
so many of them.
|
|
-- Abraham Lincoln
|
|
%
|
|
The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
|
|
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
|
|
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
|
|
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
|
|
steel through your last meal!'
|
|
-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
%
|
|
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
|
|
%
|
|
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
|
|
Are of imagination all compact...
|
|
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
|
|
%
|
|
The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
|
|
%
|
|
The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
|
|
-- Benjamin Disraeli
|
|
%
|
|
The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
|
|
-- Kevin Cowherd
|
|
%
|
|
The major advances in civilization are processes
|
|
that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
|
|
-- A.N. Whitehead
|
|
%
|
|
The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
|
|
bonds will eventually mature.
|
|
%
|
|
The major sin is the sin of being born.
|
|
-- Samuel Beckett
|
|
%
|
|
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
|
|
the violin.
|
|
-- Honore de Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
|
|
The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
|
|
consistency.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
The makers may make,
|
|
And the users may use,
|
|
But the fixers must fix
|
|
With but minimal clues.
|
|
%
|
|
The man she had was kind and clean
|
|
And well enough for every day,
|
|
But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
|
|
The one that got away.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
|
|
%
|
|
The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
|
|
The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
|
|
Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
|
|
invented it.
|
|
In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
|
|
American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
|
|
The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
|
|
After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
|
|
-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
|
|
"It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
|
|
point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
|
|
the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
|
|
not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
|
|
that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
|
|
sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
|
|
The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
|
|
been.
|
|
-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
|
|
%
|
|
The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
|
|
-- Menander
|
|
%
|
|
The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht
|
|
%
|
|
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
|
|
-- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
|
|
%
|
|
The man who runs may fight again.
|
|
-- Menander
|
|
%
|
|
The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
|
|
Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
|
|
-- Old Japanese proverb
|
|
%
|
|
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
|
|
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
The man who understands one woman is
|
|
qualified to understand pretty well everything.
|
|
-- Yeats
|
|
%
|
|
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
|
|
to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
|
|
The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
|
|
-- Vice President John Nance Garner
|
|
%
|
|
The Marines:
|
|
The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
|
|
%
|
|
The Marines:
|
|
The few, the proud, the not very bright.
|
|
%
|
|
The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
|
|
wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
|
|
-- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
|
|
%
|
|
The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
|
|
while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
|
|
-- Wilhelm Stekel
|
|
%
|
|
The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
|
|
and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
|
|
master calls a butterfly.
|
|
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
|
|
%
|
|
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
|
|
husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
|
|
are one, and that one is marxism.
|
|
-- Heidi Hartmann,
|
|
"The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
|
|
%
|
|
The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
|
|
%
|
|
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
|
|
soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
|
|
which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
|
|
%
|
|
The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
|
|
-- Bulwer
|
|
%
|
|
The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
|
|
%
|
|
The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
|
|
always end up on their ends without any means.
|
|
-- Saul Alinsky
|
|
%
|
|
The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
|
|
Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
|
|
%
|
|
The meek don't want it.
|
|
%
|
|
The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
|
|
%
|
|
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
|
|
%
|
|
The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
|
|
time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
|
|
%
|
|
The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
|
|
-- J.P. Getty
|
|
%
|
|
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
|
|
%
|
|
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
|
|
%
|
|
The meek shall inherit the Earth.
|
|
(But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
|
|
%
|
|
The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
|
|
%
|
|
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
|
|
chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
|
|
-- Carl Jung
|
|
%
|
|
[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
|
|
undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
|
|
for impotency.
|
|
-- W. Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
|
|
"Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
|
|
"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
|
|
"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
|
|
%
|
|
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
|
|
%
|
|
The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
|
|
mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
|
|
being who produces the impressions.
|
|
-- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade
|
|
%
|
|
The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
|
|
general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
|
|
any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
|
|
not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
|
|
Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
|
|
Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
|
|
predictive power.
|
|
-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
|
|
Thinking"
|
|
%
|
|
The Modelski Chain Rule:
|
|
1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
|
|
head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
|
|
Hewlett-Packard.
|
|
2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
|
|
bright-looking individual.
|
|
3: Procure a large chain.
|
|
4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
|
|
with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
|
|
Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
|
|
thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
|
|
%
|
|
"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
|
|
themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
|
|
of the bicuspids?"
|
|
-- The Old Man and his Bridge
|
|
%
|
|
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
|
|
-- Nicol Williamson
|
|
%
|
|
The moon is made of green cheese.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
|
|
%
|
|
The Moral Majority is neither.
|
|
%
|
|
The more complex the mind, the greater
|
|
the need for the simplicity of play.
|
|
-- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
|
|
%
|
|
The more control, the more that requires control.
|
|
%
|
|
The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
|
|
the odds that the competition already has the order.
|
|
%
|
|
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
|
|
%
|
|
The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
|
|
lower the mailing cost.
|
|
-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
The more I know men the more I like my horse.
|
|
%
|
|
The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
|
|
-- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
|
|
%
|
|
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
|
|
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
|
|
%
|
|
The more laws and order are made prominent,
|
|
the more thieves and robbers there will be.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For
|
|
instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
|
|
contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
|
|
%
|
|
The more the merrier.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
The more they over-think the plumbing
|
|
the easier it is to stop up the drain.
|
|
%
|
|
The more things change, the more they remain the same.
|
|
-- Alphonse Karr
|
|
%
|
|
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
|
|
%
|
|
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
|
|
%
|
|
The more we disagree, the more chance
|
|
there is that at least one of us is right.
|
|
%
|
|
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
|
|
%
|
|
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
|
|
%
|
|
The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
|
|
First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
|
|
three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
|
|
%
|
|
The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
|
|
%
|
|
The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
|
|
%
|
|
The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
|
|
exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
|
|
rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
|
|
flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
|
|
have the good fortune to find one.
|
|
-- Carlyle
|
|
%
|
|
The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
|
|
family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
|
|
of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
|
|
-- Derek Wills
|
|
%
|
|
The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
|
|
in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
|
|
-- American proverb
|
|
%
|
|
The most dangerous organization in America today is:
|
|
|
|
a) The KKK
|
|
b) The American Nazi Party
|
|
c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
|
|
%
|
|
The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
|
|
the country is the one on which you resell it.
|
|
-- J. Brecheux
|
|
%
|
|
The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
|
|
is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
|
|
%
|
|
The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
|
|
thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
|
|
-- T.H. White
|
|
%
|
|
The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
|
|
%
|
|
The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
|
|
not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
|
|
-- Alfred De Musset
|
|
%
|
|
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
|
|
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
|
|
-- Isaac Asimov
|
|
%
|
|
The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
|
|
ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
|
|
it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
|
|
woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
|
|
the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
|
|
bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
|
|
in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
|
|
starts a long, long time before the event.
|
|
-- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
|
|
from "Congress Eate It Up"
|
|
%
|
|
...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
|
|
freshman English at a Midwestern university.
|
|
-- Tom Wolfe
|
|
%
|
|
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
|
|
of a deaf man to a blind woman.
|
|
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
|
|
%
|
|
The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
|
|
%
|
|
The most important early product on the way
|
|
to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
|
|
%
|
|
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
|
|
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
|
|
%
|
|
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
|
|
is that one of them be good at taking orders.
|
|
-- Linda Festa
|
|
%
|
|
The most important things, each person must do for himself.
|
|
%
|
|
The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
|
|
-- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
|
|
%
|
|
The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
|
|
conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
|
|
participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
|
|
organization.
|
|
The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
|
|
organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
|
|
orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
|
|
know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
|
|
every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
|
|
But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
|
|
New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
|
|
A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
|
|
Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
|
|
weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
|
|
a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
|
|
with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
|
|
Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
|
|
white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
|
|
so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
|
|
or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
|
|
possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
|
|
lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
|
|
demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
|
|
astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
|
|
an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
|
|
radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
|
|
existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
|
|
and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
|
|
broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
|
|
-- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
|
|
%
|
|
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
|
|
served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
|
|
been found.
|
|
-- Calvin Trillin
|
|
%
|
|
The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
|
|
biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
|
|
them were fishermen.
|
|
-- Arthur Binstead
|
|
%
|
|
The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
|
|
The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
|
|
Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
|
|
several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
|
|
the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
|
|
to commit adultery.
|
|
Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
|
|
country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
|
|
the printers L3,000.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
|
|
children for their insurance money.
|
|
-- Sherlock Holmes
|
|
%
|
|
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
|
|
%
|
|
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
|
|
Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
|
|
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
|
|
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
|
|
%
|
|
The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
|
|
perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
|
|
seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
|
|
%
|
|
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
|
|
%
|
|
The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
|
|
-- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
|
|
%
|
|
The nearer to the church, the further from God.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
|
|
in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
|
|
occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
|
|
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
|
|
%
|
|
The net of law is spread so wide,
|
|
No sinner from its sweep may hide.
|
|
Its meshes are so fine and strong,
|
|
They take in every child of wrong.
|
|
O wondrous web of mystery!
|
|
Big fish alone escape from thee!
|
|
-- James Jeffrey Roche
|
|
%
|
|
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
|
|
I hope I don't get run over again.
|
|
%
|
|
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
|
|
doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
|
|
%
|
|
THE NEW RIGHT:
|
|
A javelin team that elects to receive.
|
|
%
|
|
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
|
|
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
|
|
|
|
But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
|
|
for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
|
|
|
|
-- Matthew 5:37
|
|
%
|
|
The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
|
|
to me is going to have his head knocked off.
|
|
-- Bill Conrad
|
|
%
|
|
The next thing I say to you will be true.
|
|
The last thing I said was false.
|
|
%
|
|
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
|
|
-- Lucille S. Harper
|
|
%
|
|
The nice thing about standards
|
|
is that there are so many of them to choose from.
|
|
-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
|
|
%
|
|
The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
|
|
%
|
|
The night passes quickly when you're asleep
|
|
But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
|
|
...
|
|
Breakfast at the Egg House,
|
|
Like the waffle on the griddle,
|
|
I'm burnt around the edges,
|
|
But I'm tender in the middle.
|
|
-- Adrian Belew
|
|
%
|
|
The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
|
|
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
|
|
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
|
|
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
|
|
-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
|
|
%
|
|
The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
|
|
remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
|
|
-- D.M. Ritchie
|
|
%
|
|
The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
|
|
proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
|
|
%
|
|
The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
|
|
of the barbecue.
|
|
%
|
|
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
|
|
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
|
|
%
|
|
The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
|
|
-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
|
|
%
|
|
The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
|
|
is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
|
|
is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
|
|
-- Robert Woodhead
|
|
%
|
|
The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
|
|
all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
|
|
answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
|
|
when called upon.
|
|
However...
|
|
When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
|
|
yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
|
|
%
|
|
The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
|
|
%
|
|
The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
|
|
%
|
|
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
|
|
|
|
Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
|
|
Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
|
|
of Corporate Planning."
|
|
%
|
|
The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
|
|
|
|
Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
|
|
you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
|
|
is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
|
|
unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
|
|
%
|
|
The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
|
|
|
|
Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
|
|
remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
|
|
some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
|
|
like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
|
|
office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
|
|
god at 8:15 the next morning.
|
|
%
|
|
The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
|
|
is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
|
|
more like fourteen.
|
|
-- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
|
|
%
|
|
The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
|
|
New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
|
|
they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
|
|
"Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
|
|
taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
|
|
%
|
|
THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
|
|
to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the
|
|
floor.
|
|
|
|
"Sorry," he said with a smile.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
|
|
%
|
|
The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
|
|
Let the reader catch his own breath.
|
|
-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
|
|
%
|
|
The older I grow, the more I distrust the
|
|
familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
|
|
%
|
|
The one good thing about repeating your
|
|
mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
|
|
%
|
|
The one L lama, he's a priest
|
|
The two L llama, he's a beast
|
|
And I will bet my silk pyjama
|
|
There isn't any three L lllama.
|
|
-- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
|
|
his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
|
|
%
|
|
The One Page Principle:
|
|
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
|
|
cannot be understood.
|
|
-- Mark Ardis
|
|
%
|
|
The one sure way to make a lazy man look
|
|
respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
|
|
%
|
|
The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
|
|
-- Abbey Hoffman
|
|
%
|
|
The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
|
|
-- Pliny the Elder
|
|
%
|
|
The only constant is change.
|
|
%
|
|
The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
|
|
right turn on a red light.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
|
|
that the car salesman knows he's lying.
|
|
%
|
|
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
|
|
%
|
|
The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
|
|
every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
The only difference in the game of love over the last few
|
|
thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
|
|
-- The Indianapolis Star
|
|
%
|
|
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
|
|
respectable.
|
|
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
|
|
The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
|
|
experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
|
|
thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
|
|
could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
|
|
swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
|
|
much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
|
|
oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
|
|
it and are delighted.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
|
|
that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
|
|
beyond this they have not legitimacy.
|
|
-- Einstein.
|
|
%
|
|
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
|
|
is your husband.
|
|
%
|
|
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
|
|
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
|
|
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
|
|
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
|
|
-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
|
|
%
|
|
The only people who make love all the time are liars.
|
|
-- Louis Jordan
|
|
%
|
|
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
|
|
%
|
|
The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
|
|
%
|
|
The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
|
|
%
|
|
The only possible interpretation of any research
|
|
whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
|
|
%
|
|
The only possible interpretation of any research
|
|
whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
|
|
-- Ernest Rutherford
|
|
%
|
|
The only problem with being a man of leisure
|
|
is that you can never stop and take a rest.
|
|
%
|
|
The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
|
|
-- Phaedrus
|
|
%
|
|
The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
|
|
be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
|
|
be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
|
|
you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
|
|
-- Bill Veeck
|
|
%
|
|
The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
|
|
plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
|
|
other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
|
|
-- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
|
|
%
|
|
The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
|
|
%
|
|
The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
|
|
for getting acquainted.
|
|
-- Heywood Broun
|
|
%
|
|
The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
|
|
-- C. Schultz
|
|
%
|
|
The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
|
|
of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
|
|
-- Colette
|
|
%
|
|
The only reward of virtue is virtue.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
|
|
%
|
|
The only thing better than love is milk.
|
|
%
|
|
The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
|
|
%
|
|
The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
|
|
us nothing.
|
|
-- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
|
|
%
|
|
The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
|
|
the first one was useless.
|
|
-- Nicolas Chamfort
|
|
%
|
|
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
|
|
It is never any use to oneself.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
|
|
-- Earl Warren
|
|
|
|
That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
|
|
the lessons that history has to teach.
|
|
-- Aldous Huxley
|
|
|
|
We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
|
|
-- Georg Hegel
|
|
|
|
HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
|
|
nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
|
|
this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
|
|
-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
|
|
%
|
|
The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
|
|
-- C. Schultz
|
|
%
|
|
The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
|
|
and guilt.
|
|
-- Elvis Costello
|
|
%
|
|
The only way to amuse some people
|
|
is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
|
|
%
|
|
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
|
|
drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
|
|
-- David Gerrold
|
|
%
|
|
The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
|
|
in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
|
|
-- Jean de la Bruyere
|
|
%
|
|
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
|
|
until 5 or 6 PM.
|
|
%
|
|
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.
|
|
It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm.
|
|
%
|
|
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
|
|
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
|
|
-- Niels Bohr
|
|
%
|
|
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
|
|
-- Bohr
|
|
%
|
|
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
|
|
waiting.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
|
|
%
|
|
The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
|
|
and the pessimist knows it.
|
|
-- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
|
|
|
|
Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
|
|
almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
|
|
possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
|
|
-- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
|
|
%
|
|
The optimum committee has no members.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
The opulence of the front office door varies
|
|
inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
|
|
%
|
|
The orders come down and they march us away.
|
|
There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
|
|
God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
|
|
But it's better than working for Xerox.
|
|
-- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
|
|
%
|
|
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
The other line moves faster.
|
|
%
|
|
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
|
|
a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
|
|
with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
|
|
English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
|
|
pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
|
|
head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
|
|
table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
|
|
dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
|
|
went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
|
|
evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
|
|
a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
|
|
never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
|
|
%
|
|
The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
|
|
%
|
|
The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
|
|
-- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
|
|
%
|
|
The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
|
|
she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
|
|
"Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
|
|
"Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
|
|
%
|
|
The past always looks better than it was.
|
|
It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
|
|
-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
|
|
%
|
|
The people sensible enough to give
|
|
good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
|
|
%
|
|
The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
|
|
not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
|
|
waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
|
|
In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
|
|
person you have always wanted to be.
|
|
-- Nancy Friday
|
|
%
|
|
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
|
|
-- Charles Pierce
|
|
%
|
|
The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
|
|
but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
|
|
quality of joy.
|
|
-- Erica Jong
|
|
%
|
|
The person who can smile when something
|
|
goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
|
|
%
|
|
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
|
|
%
|
|
The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
|
|
%
|
|
The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
|
|
%
|
|
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
|
|
%
|
|
The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
|
|
market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
|
|
is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
|
|
-- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
|
|
%
|
|
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that,
|
|
when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers
|
|
become soft.
|
|
%
|
|
The philosopher's treatment of a question
|
|
is like the treatment of an illness.
|
|
-- Wittgenstein.
|
|
%
|
|
The Phone Booth Rule:
|
|
A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
|
|
%
|
|
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
|
|
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
|
|
Let others think his heart is big,
|
|
I think it stupid of the Pig.
|
|
%
|
|
The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
|
|
and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
|
|
connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
|
|
fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
|
|
blound by the sun and he dropped it.
|
|
-- Dizzy Dean
|
|
%
|
|
The plural of spouse is spice.
|
|
%
|
|
The Poems, all three hundred of them,
|
|
may be summed up in one of their phrases:
|
|
"Let our thoughts be correct".
|
|
-- Confucius
|
|
%
|
|
The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
|
|
The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
|
|
Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
|
|
verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
|
|
In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
|
|
work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
|
|
lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
|
|
High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
|
|
rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
|
|
the higher emotions.
|
|
She would me "Honey" call,
|
|
She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
|
|
But now alas! She's left me
|
|
Falero, lero, loo.
|
|
Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
|
|
was her prudent choice of footwear.
|
|
The fives did fit her shoe.
|
|
In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
|
|
the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
|
|
Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
|
|
begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
|
|
"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
|
|
worst poet in England."
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
|
|
and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
|
|
-- Celine
|
|
%
|
|
The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
|
|
trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
|
|
save your sanity for later.
|
|
%
|
|
The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
|
|
addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
|
|
important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
|
|
expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
|
|
we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
|
|
true distaste.
|
|
-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
|
|
Correct Behavior"
|
|
%
|
|
The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
|
|
To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
|
|
-- Buckminster Fuller
|
|
%
|
|
The pollution's at that awkward stage.
|
|
Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
|
|
-- Doug Sneyd
|
|
%
|
|
The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
|
|
-- Anthony Burgess
|
|
%
|
|
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
|
|
prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
|
|
or to the people.
|
|
-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
|
|
%
|
|
The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
|
|
Were each of them once a kiddie.
|
|
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
|
|
Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's
|
|
remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those
|
|
offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
|
|
-- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter
|
|
%
|
|
The prettiest women are almost always the most
|
|
boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
|
|
%
|
|
The price of greatness is responsibility.
|
|
%
|
|
The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
|
|
-- C. Glymour.
|
|
%
|
|
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
|
|
knowledge of its ugly side.
|
|
-- James Baldwin
|
|
%
|
|
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
|
|
difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
|
|
%
|
|
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
|
|
instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
|
|
variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
|
|
of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
|
|
program, should the value of pi change.
|
|
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
|
|
%
|
|
The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
|
|
represents the secondary theme:
|
|
|
|
Law Enforcement Officials
|
|
|
|
The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
|
|
|
|
Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
|
|
-- M. Gallaher
|
|
%
|
|
The probability of someone watching you is directly
|
|
proportional to the stupidity of your action.
|
|
%
|
|
The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
|
|
a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
|
|
-- Mike Smith
|
|
%
|
|
The problem with any unwritten law is that
|
|
you don't know where to go to erase it.
|
|
-- Glaser and Way
|
|
%
|
|
The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
|
|
to sleep every few days.
|
|
%
|
|
The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
|
|
time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
|
|
government because they could not keep up.
|
|
-- Idi Amin Dada
|
|
%
|
|
The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
|
|
for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
|
|
requires intent.
|
|
%
|
|
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
|
|
be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
|
|
-- Elizabeth Taylor
|
|
%
|
|
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
|
|
%
|
|
The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
|
|
for incompetence.
|
|
%
|
|
The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
|
|
particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
|
|
with sloppy english.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
|
|
stable business.
|
|
-- John Steinbeck
|
|
%
|
|
The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
|
|
%
|
|
The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their
|
|
thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
|
|
Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
|
|
battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
|
|
blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
|
|
Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
|
|
The answer exists only in the Tao.
|
|
%
|
|
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
|
|
-- Miguel de Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
|
|
and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
|
|
horse.
|
|
-- Jac Goudsmit
|
|
%
|
|
The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
|
|
thoughts about their neighbours.
|
|
-- F.H. Bradley
|
|
%
|
|
The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
|
|
outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
|
|
since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
|
|
victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
|
|
running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
|
|
raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
|
|
certainties.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
|
|
%
|
|
The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
|
|
because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
|
|
-- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
|
|
%
|
|
The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
|
|
not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
|
|
engineers.
|
|
%
|
|
"The pyramid is opening!"
|
|
"Which one?"
|
|
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
|
|
%
|
|
The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
|
|
%
|
|
The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
|
|
join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
|
|
attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
|
|
sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
|
|
whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
|
|
contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
|
|
remain each in their own position.
|
|
-- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
|
|
Queen Victoria
|
|
%
|
|
The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of
|
|
whether submarines can swim.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
The questions remain the same.
|
|
The answers are eternally variable.
|
|
%
|
|
The Rabbits The Cow
|
|
Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
|
|
That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
The race is not always to the swift, nor the
|
|
battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
|
|
-- Damon Runyon
|
|
%
|
|
The rain it raineth on the just
|
|
And also on the unjust fella:
|
|
But chiefly on the just, because
|
|
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
|
|
-- Lord Bowen
|
|
%
|
|
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
|
|
%
|
|
The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
|
|
measurement of the speed of blight.
|
|
%
|
|
The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
|
|
illiterates can read.
|
|
-- Alberto Moravia
|
|
%
|
|
The real man's Bloody Mary:
|
|
Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
|
|
sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
|
|
|
|
Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
|
|
Throw all the other ingredients away.
|
|
%
|
|
The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
|
|
%
|
|
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
|
|
-- Christopher Morley
|
|
%
|
|
The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
|
|
a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
|
|
%
|
|
The real reason psychology is hard is that
|
|
psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
|
|
%
|
|
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
|
|
%
|
|
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
|
|
%
|
|
The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
|
|
-- Don Rose
|
|
%
|
|
The reason that every major university maintains a department of
|
|
mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
|
|
people.
|
|
%
|
|
The reason they're called wisdom teeth
|
|
is that the experience makes you wise.
|
|
%
|
|
The reason why worry kills more people
|
|
than work is that more people worry than work.
|
|
%
|
|
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
|
|
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
|
|
depends on the unreasonable man.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
|
|
financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
|
|
a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
|
|
industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
|
|
nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
|
|
-- Paul Erdman's Money Book
|
|
%
|
|
The relative importance of files depends on their cost
|
|
in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
|
|
-- T.A. Dolotta
|
|
%
|
|
The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
|
|
of a Dodge Dart.
|
|
-- Lisa Alther
|
|
%
|
|
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
|
|
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
|
|
The hen, pleased with that,
|
|
Laid an egg in his hat --
|
|
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
|
|
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
|
|
%
|
|
The reverse side also has a reverse side.
|
|
-- Japanese proverb
|
|
%
|
|
The revolution will not be televised.
|
|
%
|
|
The reward for working hard is more hard work.
|
|
%
|
|
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
|
|
-- Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
|
|
The haves get more, the have-nots die.
|
|
%
|
|
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
|
|
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
|
|
%
|
|
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
|
|
taken seriously.
|
|
-- Hubert Humphrey
|
|
%
|
|
The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
|
|
-- Justice Douglas
|
|
%
|
|
The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
|
|
for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
|
|
infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
|
|
upon the successful management of which so much remains.
|
|
-- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
|
|
%
|
|
The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
|
|
House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
|
|
you have and what rights you have not got.
|
|
-- J. Parnell Thomas
|
|
%
|
|
The ripest fruit falls first.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
|
|
%
|
|
The road to Hades is easy to travel.
|
|
-- Bion
|
|
%
|
|
The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
|
|
-- J. Gooding
|
|
%
|
|
The road to ruin is always in good repair,
|
|
and the travellers pay the expense of it.
|
|
-- Josh Billings
|
|
%
|
|
The Roman Rule
|
|
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
|
|
one who is doing it.
|
|
%
|
|
The root of all superstition is that men
|
|
observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
|
|
-- Francis Bacon
|
|
%
|
|
The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
|
|
%
|
|
The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
|
|
his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
|
|
one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
|
|
take it too seriously.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
|
|
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
|
|
-- Jane Bryant Quinn
|
|
%
|
|
The rules:
|
|
|
|
1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
|
|
2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
|
|
the console keyboard.
|
|
3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
|
|
card decks together.
|
|
4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
|
|
especially if you're already married.
|
|
5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
|
|
a stool to reach another disk pack.
|
|
6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
|
|
shift.
|
|
7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
|
|
files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
|
|
8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
|
|
9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
|
|
10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
|
|
%
|
|
The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
|
|
That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
|
|
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
|
|
%
|
|
The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
|
|
award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
|
|
gesture by the individual to himself.
|
|
-- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
|
|
%
|
|
The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
|
|
%
|
|
The savior becomes the victim.
|
|
%
|
|
The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
|
|
|
|
Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
|
|
Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
|
|
|
|
Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
|
|
%
|
|
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
|
|
showed that all had these things in common:
|
|
|
|
1) They all had moderate appetites.
|
|
2) They all came from middle class homes.
|
|
3) All but two of them were dead.
|
|
%
|
|
The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
|
|
a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
|
|
of civilization.
|
|
-- T.K.
|
|
%
|
|
The second best policy is dishonesty.
|
|
%
|
|
The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
|
|
If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
|
|
-- Jim Warner
|
|
%
|
|
The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
|
|
%
|
|
The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
|
|
%
|
|
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
|
|
you've got it made.
|
|
-- Jean Giraudoux
|
|
%
|
|
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
|
|
there is no humor in Heaven.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
|
|
beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
|
|
-- Harry Skelton
|
|
%
|
|
The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
|
|
reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
|
|
Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
|
|
of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
|
|
him are dead, he is alive.
|
|
Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
|
|
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
|
|
host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
|
|
equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
|
|
"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
|
|
Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
|
|
-- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
|
|
%
|
|
The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
|
|
and sixth years.
|
|
%
|
|
The sheep died in the wool.
|
|
%
|
|
The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
|
|
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
|
|
%
|
|
The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
|
|
%
|
|
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
|
|
-- Noelie Altito
|
|
%
|
|
The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
|
|
-- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
|
|
%
|
|
The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
|
|
voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
|
|
-- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
|
|
%
|
|
The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
|
|
-- [just say that five times...]
|
|
%
|
|
The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
|
|
-- Judge Harold T. Stone
|
|
%
|
|
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
|
|
%
|
|
The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
|
|
And surly Winter grimly flies.
|
|
Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
|
|
And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
|
|
Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
|
|
The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
|
|
All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
|
|
And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
|
|
|
|
The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
|
|
The yellow Autumn presses near;
|
|
Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
|
|
Till smiling Spring again appear.
|
|
Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
|
|
Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
|
|
But never ranging, still unchanging,
|
|
I adore my bonnie Bell.
|
|
-- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
|
|
%
|
|
The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
|
|
"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
|
|
while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
|
|
one can see only a very few things at once.
|
|
-- Fred Brooks
|
|
%
|
|
The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
|
|
rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
|
|
-- Max Lerner
|
|
%
|
|
The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
|
|
tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
|
|
have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
|
|
its theories will hold water.
|
|
%
|
|
The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
|
|
He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
|
|
The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
|
|
And slowly she let him inside.
|
|
|
|
He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
|
|
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
|
|
And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
|
|
And now will you tell me why?"
|
|
-- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
|
|
%
|
|
The solution of problems is the most characteristic
|
|
and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
|
|
-- William James
|
|
%
|
|
The solution of this problem is trivial
|
|
and is left as an exercise for the reader.
|
|
%
|
|
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
|
|
-- Peer
|
|
%
|
|
The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
|
|
his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
|
|
sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
|
|
active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
|
|
exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
|
|
dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
|
|
For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
|
|
vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
|
|
was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
|
|
horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
|
|
For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
|
|
The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
|
|
the table as the children gathered around him.
|
|
He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
|
|
There was total silence.
|
|
He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
|
|
Total silence.
|
|
Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
|
|
sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
|
|
%
|
|
The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
|
|
-- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
|
|
%
|
|
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
|
|
-- Ed Bluestone
|
|
%
|
|
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
|
|
%
|
|
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
|
|
%
|
|
The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
|
|
In town a noun might wear a gown,
|
|
or further down, might dress a clown.
|
|
A noun that's sound would never clown,
|
|
but unsound nouns jump up and down.
|
|
The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
|
|
and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
|
|
But please don't let that get you down,
|
|
the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
|
|
-- A. Nonnie Mouse
|
|
%
|
|
The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
|
|
themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
|
|
against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
|
|
Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
|
|
-- Dennis Miller
|
|
%
|
|
The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
|
|
%
|
|
The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
|
|
philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
|
|
is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
|
|
reality.
|
|
-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
|
|
%
|
|
The star of riches is shining upon you.
|
|
%
|
|
The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
|
|
written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
|
|
follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
|
|
of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
|
|
the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
|
|
in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
|
|
died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
|
|
back by years.
|
|
-- Douglas Adams
|
|
%
|
|
The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
|
|
-- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
|
|
%
|
|
The steady state of disks is full.
|
|
-- Ken Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
The story of the butterfly:
|
|
"I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
|
|
a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
|
|
out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
|
|
the third day, I heard a knock."
|
|
"I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
|
|
there was nothing."
|
|
"Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
|
|
-- Peter Carey, BLISS
|
|
%
|
|
The story you are about to hear is true.
|
|
Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
|
|
%
|
|
The street preacher looked so baffled
|
|
When I asked him why he dressed
|
|
With forty pounds of headlines
|
|
Stapled to his chest.
|
|
But he cursed me when I proved to him
|
|
I said, "Not even you can hide.
|
|
You see, you're just like me.
|
|
I hope you're satisfied."
|
|
-- Bob Dylan
|
|
%
|
|
The streets were dark with something more than night.
|
|
-- Raymond Chandler
|
|
%
|
|
The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
|
|
%
|
|
The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
|
|
%
|
|
The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
|
|
can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
|
|
existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
|
|
that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
|
|
that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
|
|
He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
|
|
by the values he wills.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
|
|
yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
|
|
-- The Silver Surfer
|
|
%
|
|
The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
|
|
The population is, of course, growing.
|
|
%
|
|
The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
|
|
-- RKO
|
|
%
|
|
The sun was shining on the sea,
|
|
Shining with all his might:
|
|
He did his very best to make
|
|
The billows smooth and bright --
|
|
And this was very odd, because it was
|
|
The middle of the night.
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
|
|
-- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
|
|
%
|
|
The superfluous is very necessary.
|
|
-- Voltaire
|
|
%
|
|
The superior man understands what is right;
|
|
the inferior man understands what will sell.
|
|
-- Confucius
|
|
%
|
|
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
|
|
way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
|
|
whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
|
|
side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
|
|
Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
|
|
speak of the room.
|
|
-- Henry Kissinger
|
|
%
|
|
The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
|
|
%
|
|
The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
|
|
%
|
|
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
|
|
esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
The surest way to remain a winner is to
|
|
win once, and then not play any more.
|
|
%
|
|
The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
|
|
Scratch a lover and find a foe!
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
|
|
%
|
|
The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
|
|
%
|
|
The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
|
|
%
|
|
The Tao doesn't take sides;
|
|
it gives birth to both wins and losses.
|
|
The Guru doesn't take sides;
|
|
she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
|
|
|
|
The Tao is like a stack:
|
|
the data changes but not the structure.
|
|
the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
|
|
the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
|
|
|
|
Hold on to the root.
|
|
%
|
|
The Tao is like a glob pattern:
|
|
used but never used up.
|
|
It is like the extern void:
|
|
filled with infinite possibilities.
|
|
|
|
It is masked but always present.
|
|
I don't know who built to it.
|
|
It came before the first kernel.
|
|
%
|
|
The tao that can be tar(1)ed
|
|
is not the entire Tao.
|
|
The path that can be specified
|
|
is not the Full Path.
|
|
|
|
We declare the names
|
|
of all variables and functions.
|
|
Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
|
|
|
|
Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
|
|
Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
|
|
|
|
Yet magic and hierarchy
|
|
arise from the same source,
|
|
and this source has a null pointer.
|
|
|
|
Reference the NULL within NULL,
|
|
it is the gateway to all wizardry.
|
|
%
|
|
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
|
|
them a drink.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
|
|
%
|
|
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
|
|
data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
|
|
shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
|
|
as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
|
|
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
|
|
as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
|
|
receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
|
|
Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
|
|
of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
|
|
the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
|
|
i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
|
|
the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
|
|
temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
|
|
temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
|
|
temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
|
|
Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
|
|
part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
|
|
brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
|
|
or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
|
|
then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
|
|
-- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
|
|
%
|
|
The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
|
|
culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
|
|
%
|
|
The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
|
|
1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
|
|
capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
|
|
most untechnician-like manner.
|
|
|
|
7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
|
|
fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
|
|
her in other ways.
|
|
%
|
|
The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
|
|
of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
|
|
as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
|
|
employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
|
|
temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
|
|
-- Kenny's Korner
|
|
%
|
|
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
|
|
ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
|
|
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
|
|
%
|
|
The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
|
|
-- Aldo Leopold
|
|
%
|
|
The thing that takes up the least amount of time
|
|
and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
|
|
%
|
|
The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
|
|
%
|
|
The Third Law of Photography:
|
|
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
|
|
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
|
|
the dark leaks out.
|
|
%
|
|
The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I
|
|
want the job.
|
|
-- Ronald Reagan in 1973
|
|
|
|
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
|
|
would have lost.
|
|
-- Mort Sahl
|
|
|
|
Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
|
|
Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
|
|
I need a lot of sleep.
|
|
-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
|
|
|
|
You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
|
|
accurately it's called mudslinging.
|
|
-- Walter Mondale
|
|
%
|
|
The Thought Police are here. They've come
|
|
To put you under cardiac arrest.
|
|
And as they drag you through the door
|
|
They tell you that you've failed the test.
|
|
-- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
|
|
%
|
|
The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
|
|
%
|
|
The three biggest software lies:
|
|
|
|
1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
|
|
2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
|
|
will fix the microcode.
|
|
3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
|
|
%
|
|
The three laws of thermodynamics:
|
|
(1) You can't get anything without working for it.
|
|
(2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
|
|
(3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
|
|
%
|
|
THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
|
|
|
|
1) Where's the bathroom?
|
|
2) What time does the parade start?
|
|
3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
|
|
%
|
|
The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
|
|
2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
|
|
%
|
|
The three rules of international air travel:
|
|
|
|
(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
|
|
to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
|
|
(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
|
|
know *exactly* what you're doing.
|
|
(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
|
|
%
|
|
The thrill is here, but it won't last long
|
|
You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
|
|
%
|
|
The time for action is past!
|
|
Now is the time for senseless bickering.
|
|
%
|
|
The time is right to make new friends.
|
|
%
|
|
The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
|
|
committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
|
|
-- C.N. Parkinson
|
|
%
|
|
The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
|
|
The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
|
|
Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
|
|
mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
|
|
men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
|
|
The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
|
|
the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
|
|
Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
|
|
them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
|
|
it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
|
|
choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
|
|
brought."
|
|
-- Alistair Cooke
|
|
%
|
|
The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
|
|
-- Hosea Ballou
|
|
%
|
|
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
|
|
%
|
|
The tree of research must from time to time
|
|
be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
|
|
-- Alan Kay
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
|
|
but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
|
|
-- Little Big Man
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with being punctual is that people
|
|
think you have nothing more important to do.
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with computers is that they do
|
|
what you tell them, not what you want.
|
|
-- D. Cohen
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with doing something right the first
|
|
time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with eating Italian food is that
|
|
five or six days later you're hungry again.
|
|
-- George Miller
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with heart disease is that the first
|
|
symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
|
|
-- Michael Phelps
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
|
|
-- George S. Kaufman
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with money is it costs too much!
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with opportunity is that it
|
|
always comes disguised as hard work.
|
|
-- Herbert V. Prochnow
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with some women is that they get
|
|
all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
|
|
-- Cher
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
|
|
the other fellow of a dull one.
|
|
-- Sid Caesar
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
|
|
who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
|
|
all of the people all of the time.
|
|
-- Franklin Adams
|
|
%
|
|
The trouble with you
|
|
Is the trouble with me.
|
|
Got two good eyes
|
|
But we still don't see.
|
|
-- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
|
|
%
|
|
The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
|
|
height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
|
|
people stumble than to be walked upon.
|
|
-- Franz Kafka
|
|
%
|
|
The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
|
|
-- Andre Malraux
|
|
%
|
|
The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
|
|
And vice versa.
|
|
%
|
|
The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
|
|
-- Stanley Kubrick
|
|
%
|
|
The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
|
|
-- Caltech
|
|
%
|
|
The truth you speak has no past and no future.
|
|
It is, and that's all it needs to be.
|
|
%
|
|
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
|
|
Which practically conceal its sex.
|
|
I think it clever of the turtle
|
|
In such a fix to be so fertile.
|
|
-- O. Nash
|
|
%
|
|
The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
|
|
%
|
|
The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
|
|
-- Harlan Ellison
|
|
%
|
|
The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
|
|
two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
|
|
by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
|
|
-- I.F. Stone
|
|
%
|
|
The two things that can get you into trouble
|
|
quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
|
|
%
|
|
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
|
|
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
|
|
And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
|
|
There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
|
|
So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
|
|
Eh?
|
|
So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
|
|
And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
|
|
They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
|
|
Eh?
|
|
-- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
|
|
Beauty!
|
|
%
|
|
The ultimate game show will be the one
|
|
where somebody gets killed at the end.
|
|
-- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
|
|
%
|
|
The unfacts, did we have them, are too
|
|
imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
|
|
%
|
|
The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
|
|
%
|
|
The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
|
|
%
|
|
The universe is an island,
|
|
surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
|
|
%
|
|
The universe is laughing behind your back.
|
|
%
|
|
The Universe is populated by stable things.
|
|
-- Richard Dawkins
|
|
%
|
|
The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
|
|
It cannot be ruled by interfering.
|
|
-- Chinese proverb
|
|
%
|
|
The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
|
|
-- Sagan
|
|
%
|
|
The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
|
|
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
|
|
said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
|
|
his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
|
|
%
|
|
The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
|
|
and deviation standard.
|
|
%
|
|
The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
|
|
hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
|
|
%
|
|
The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
|
|
that I assume it must be evil.
|
|
-- Heywood Broun
|
|
%
|
|
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
|
|
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
|
|
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
|
|
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
|
|
world put together.
|
|
-- Sir Peter Medawar
|
|
%
|
|
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
|
|
is a symptom of professional immaturity.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
|
|
regarded as a criminal offence.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
|
|
%
|
|
The use of COBOL cripples the mind;
|
|
its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
|
|
-- B. Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
|
|
%
|
|
The very first essential for success is a perpetually
|
|
constant and regular employment of violence.
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
|
|
%
|
|
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of
|
|
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
|
|
views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
|
|
facts that needs altering.
|
|
-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
|
|
%
|
|
The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
|
|
-- Miguel de Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
|
|
In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
|
|
surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
|
|
gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
|
|
expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
|
|
bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
|
|
The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
|
|
the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
|
|
to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
|
|
-- John Wayne
|
|
%
|
|
The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
|
|
-- Jerry Brown
|
|
%
|
|
The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
|
|
restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
|
|
dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
|
|
sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
|
|
then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
|
|
A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
|
|
to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
|
|
%
|
|
The wages of sin are unreported.
|
|
%
|
|
The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
|
|
Constitution.
|
|
%
|
|
The warning message we sent the Russians was a
|
|
calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
|
|
-- Alexander Haig
|
|
%
|
|
The water was not fit to drink.
|
|
To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
|
|
By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
|
|
-- W. Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
|
|
incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
|
|
-- Emo Philips
|
|
%
|
|
The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
|
|
-- Nathaniel Howe
|
|
%
|
|
The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
|
|
%
|
|
The way to a man's heart is through his
|
|
wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
|
|
-- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
|
|
%
|
|
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
|
|
%
|
|
The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
|
|
%
|
|
The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
|
|
%
|
|
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
|
|
%
|
|
The way to make a small fortune in the
|
|
commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
|
|
%
|
|
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
|
|
%
|
|
The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
|
|
My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
|
|
My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
|
|
Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
|
|
I feel together today!
|
|
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
|
|
%
|
|
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
|
|
%
|
|
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
|
|
but the leaves are good to smoke!
|
|
-- The Shadow
|
|
%
|
|
The white race is the cancer of history.
|
|
-- Susan Sontag
|
|
%
|
|
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
|
|
-- Wavy Gravy
|
|
%
|
|
The whole of life is futile unless you
|
|
consider it as a sporting proposition.
|
|
%
|
|
The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
|
|
-- Peter Beard
|
|
%
|
|
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
|
|
-- George Gobel
|
|
%
|
|
The whole world is about three drinks behind.
|
|
-- Humphrey Bogart
|
|
%
|
|
The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
|
|
not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
|
|
should.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
The wise man seeks everything in himself;
|
|
the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
|
|
%
|
|
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
|
|
%
|
|
The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
|
|
medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
|
|
she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
|
|
live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
|
|
throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
|
|
"Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
|
|
to get up in the morning!"
|
|
%
|
|
The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
|
|
is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
|
|
%
|
|
The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
|
|
we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
|
|
and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
|
|
of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
|
|
We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
|
|
ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
|
|
-- Paul Licker
|
|
%
|
|
The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
|
|
designed for people who walk on their hands.
|
|
-- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
|
|
%
|
|
The world is a comedy to those who think,
|
|
and a tragedy to those who feel.
|
|
-- Horace Walpole
|
|
%
|
|
The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
|
|
%
|
|
The world is coming to an end!
|
|
Repent and return those library books!
|
|
%
|
|
The world is full of people who have never, since
|
|
childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
|
|
-- E.B. White
|
|
%
|
|
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
|
|
it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
|
|
-- E. Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
The world is not octal despite DEC.
|
|
%
|
|
The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
|
|
It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
|
|
You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
|
|
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
|
|
%
|
|
The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
|
|
%
|
|
The world really isn't any worse.
|
|
It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
|
|
%
|
|
The world wants to be deceived.
|
|
-- Sebastian Brant
|
|
%
|
|
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
|
|
%
|
|
The world's as ugly as sin,
|
|
And almost as delightful
|
|
-- Frederick Locker-Lampson
|
|
%
|
|
The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
|
|
nor its great scholars great men.
|
|
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
|
|
%
|
|
The Worst American Poet
|
|
Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
|
|
Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
|
|
Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
|
|
of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
|
|
pen.
|
|
Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
|
|
formula was the same:
|
|
Have you heard of the dreadful fate
|
|
Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
|
|
Of their death I will relate,
|
|
And also others lost their life
|
|
(in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
|
|
Where so many people died.
|
|
Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
|
|
the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
|
|
river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
|
|
a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
|
|
Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
|
|
suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
|
|
forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
|
|
beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
|
|
|
|
During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
|
|
emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
|
|
elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
|
|
up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
|
|
duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
|
|
Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat
|
|
and killed it.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
|
|
|
|
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
|
|
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
|
|
had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
|
|
sheepishly left the building.
|
|
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
|
|
robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
|
|
5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
|
|
was a practical joke.
|
|
Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
|
|
clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
|
|
trapped in the revolving doors again.
|
|
%
|
|
The Worst Car Hire Service
|
|
When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
|
|
as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
|
|
shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
|
|
He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
|
|
conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
|
|
To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
|
|
he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
|
|
round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
|
|
"If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
|
|
admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
|
|
overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
|
|
we might overlook that too."
|
|
"Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
|
|
into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
|
|
ash tray."
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
|
|
|
|
This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
|
|
expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
|
|
in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The worst is enemy of the bad.
|
|
%
|
|
The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
|
|
-- King Lear
|
|
%
|
|
The Worst Jury
|
|
A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
|
|
one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
|
|
remotest clue what was happening.
|
|
The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
|
|
evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
|
|
The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
|
|
juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
|
|
speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
|
|
was hearing a murder trial.
|
|
The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
|
|
from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
|
|
and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
|
|
The judge ordered a retrial.
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The Worst Lines of Verse
|
|
For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
|
|
"Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
|
|
Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
|
|
these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
|
|
laughter the instant they were read out.
|
|
No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
|
|
inspired by the subject of war.
|
|
"Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
|
|
And the grey roof reddened and rang;
|
|
Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
|
|
The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
|
|
By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
|
|
"... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
|
|
While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
|
|
"The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
|
|
The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
|
|
George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
|
|
"And I was ask'd and authorized to go
|
|
To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
|
|
William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
|
|
"So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
|
|
While in this world, are liable to leak."
|
|
And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
|
|
describing a pond:
|
|
"I've measured it from side to side;
|
|
Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The Worst Musical Trio
|
|
There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
|
|
a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
|
|
instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
|
|
gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
|
|
violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
|
|
unhampered by great musical talent.
|
|
Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
|
|
concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
|
|
A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
|
|
Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
|
|
in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
|
|
"Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
|
|
"and it will be a sell out."
|
|
Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
|
|
audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
|
|
asked for someone to turn his pages.
|
|
In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
|
|
volunteered and made his way to the stage.
|
|
The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
|
|
music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
|
|
Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
|
|
the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
|
|
But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The worst part of having success is trying
|
|
to find someone who is happy for you.
|
|
-- Bette Midler
|
|
%
|
|
The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
|
|
%
|
|
The Worst Prison Guards
|
|
The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
|
|
maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
|
|
near Lisbon in Portugal.
|
|
During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
|
|
warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
|
|
included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
|
|
of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
|
|
planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
|
|
not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
|
|
"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
|
|
water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
|
|
The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
|
|
prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
|
|
because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
|
|
the next morning.
|
|
"We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
|
|
one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
|
|
eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
|
|
population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
|
|
Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
|
|
"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
|
|
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|
|
%
|
|
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
|
|
but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
|
|
are sober.
|
|
-- William Butler Yeats
|
|
%
|
|
The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
|
|
wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
|
|
if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
|
|
-- David Viscott
|
|
%
|
|
The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
|
|
They were just the first not to crash.
|
|
%
|
|
The yankees, son, are up north.
|
|
The damnyankees are down here.
|
|
%
|
|
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
|
|
four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
|
|
the answers.
|
|
%
|
|
The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
|
|
"Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
|
|
"Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
|
|
%
|
|
The young lady had an unusual list,
|
|
Linked in part to a structural weakness.
|
|
She set no preconditions.
|
|
%
|
|
The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
|
|
to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
|
|
found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
|
|
He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
|
|
rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
|
|
golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
|
|
"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
|
|
"What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
|
|
they only charge $1 a ball!"
|
|
"Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
|
|
rooms."
|
|
%
|
|
THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
|
|
%
|
|
Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
|
|
and you'd better not refuse.
|
|
%
|
|
Them as has, gets.
|
|
%
|
|
Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
|
|
incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
|
|
acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
|
|
-- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
|
|
%
|
|
Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
|
|
I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
|
|
right.
|
|
-- P.J. O'Rourke
|
|
%
|
|
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
|
|
%
|
|
Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
|
|
Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
|
|
when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
|
|
to the "W" on the dial.
|
|
|
|
Moral:
|
|
He who has a Tates is lost!
|
|
%
|
|
"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
|
|
"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
|
|
"I'll put `maybe.'"
|
|
-- Bloom County
|
|
%
|
|
Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
|
|
it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
|
|
-- Elbert Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
|
|
Proof:
|
|
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
|
|
Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
|
|
%
|
|
Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
|
|
Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
|
|
Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
|
|
(positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
|
|
|
|
Proceed by induction:
|
|
If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
|
|
So A = B.
|
|
|
|
Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
|
|
MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
|
|
(A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
|
|
%
|
|
Theorem: All programs are dull.
|
|
|
|
Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
|
|
nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
|
|
sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
|
|
the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
|
|
the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
|
|
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
|
|
%
|
|
THEORY:
|
|
System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
|
|
originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
|
|
it will look in print.
|
|
%
|
|
Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
Theory of Selective Supervision:
|
|
The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
|
|
the one time the boss walks through the office.
|
|
%
|
|
There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
|
|
armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
|
|
shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
|
|
realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
|
|
body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
|
|
sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
|
|
He speaks with a commanding voice:
|
|
|
|
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
|
|
|
|
As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
|
|
%
|
|
There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
|
|
the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
|
|
-- Harvey Wheeler
|
|
%
|
|
There are a few things that never go out of style,
|
|
and a feminine woman is one of them.
|
|
-- Ralston
|
|
%
|
|
There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
There are bad times just around the corner,
|
|
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
|
|
And it's no good whining
|
|
About a silver lining
|
|
For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
|
|
-- Noel Coward
|
|
%
|
|
There are few people more often in the wrong
|
|
than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
|
|
%
|
|
There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
|
|
and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
|
|
-- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
|
|
%
|
|
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious,
|
|
excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
|
|
the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
|
|
cannot know a woman, the divorce.
|
|
-- Norman Mailer
|
|
%
|
|
There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the
|
|
two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
|
|
inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
|
|
postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
|
|
the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
|
|
sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
|
|
magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
|
|
relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
|
|
and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell
|
|
the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the
|
|
results.
|
|
%
|
|
There are many intelligent species in
|
|
the universe, and they all own cats.
|
|
%
|
|
There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
|
|
about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
|
|
about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
|
|
get it in the winter.
|
|
-- Bat Masterson
|
|
%
|
|
There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
|
|
friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
|
|
avoiding a great deal of pain.
|
|
%
|
|
There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
|
|
-- Eugene Ionesco
|
|
%
|
|
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
|
|
%
|
|
There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
|
|
%
|
|
There are more things in heaven and earth,
|
|
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
|
|
-- Hamlet
|
|
%
|
|
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
|
|
%
|
|
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
|
|
%
|
|
There are new messages.
|
|
%
|
|
There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
|
|
-- Baba Ram Dass
|
|
%
|
|
There are no answers, only cross-references.
|
|
-- Weiner
|
|
%
|
|
There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
|
|
%
|
|
There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
|
|
-- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
|
|
%
|
|
There are no great men, only great challenges that
|
|
ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
|
|
-- Admiral William Halsey
|
|
%
|
|
There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
|
|
-- The Duke of Wellington
|
|
%
|
|
There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
|
|
of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
|
|
competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
|
|
some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
|
|
-- Richard Davisson
|
|
%
|
|
There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
|
|
of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
|
|
%
|
|
There are no winners in life, only survivors.
|
|
%
|
|
There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
|
|
-- Helen Rowland
|
|
%
|
|
There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
|
|
%
|
|
There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
|
|
taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
|
|
-- shades
|
|
%
|
|
There are people so addicted to exaggeration
|
|
that they can't tell the truth without lying.
|
|
-- Josh Billings
|
|
%
|
|
There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
|
|
in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
|
|
people who find nothing odd about it.
|
|
-- Calvin Trillin
|
|
%
|
|
There are places I'll remember
|
|
All my life though some have changed.
|
|
Some forever not for better
|
|
Some have gone and some remain.
|
|
All these places had their moments
|
|
With lovers and friends I still recall.
|
|
Some are dead and some are living,
|
|
In my life I've loved them all.
|
|
|
|
But of all these friends and lovers,
|
|
There is no one compared with you,
|
|
All these memories lose their meaning
|
|
When I think of love as something new.
|
|
Though I know I'll never lose affection
|
|
For people and things that went before,
|
|
I know I'll often stop and think about them
|
|
In my life I'll love you more.
|
|
-- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
|
|
%
|
|
There are running jobs.
|
|
Why don't you go chase them?
|
|
%
|
|
There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
|
|
plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
|
|
and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
|
|
don't we all.
|
|
%
|
|
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
|
|
By the men who moil for gold;
|
|
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
|
|
That would make your blood run cold;
|
|
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
|
|
But the queerest they ever did see
|
|
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
|
|
I cremated Sam McGee.
|
|
-- Robert W. Service
|
|
%
|
|
There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
|
|
is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
|
|
-- David Nichols
|
|
%
|
|
There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
|
|
fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
|
|
and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
|
|
wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
|
|
your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
|
|
-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
|
|
%
|
|
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
|
|
-- Benjamin Disraeli
|
|
%
|
|
There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
|
|
%
|
|
There are three possibilities:
|
|
Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun;
|
|
there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
|
|
someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
|
|
%
|
|
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
|
|
offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a
|
|
series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of
|
|
food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection
|
|
increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the
|
|
affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
|
|
circumstances can the food be omitted.
|
|
-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
|
|
%
|
|
There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
|
|
the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
|
|
world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
|
|
long winter evenings.
|
|
-- Quentin Crisp
|
|
%
|
|
There are three rules for writing a novel.
|
|
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
|
|
-- Maugham
|
|
%
|
|
There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
|
|
changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
|
|
Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
|
|
science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
|
|
by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
|
|
%
|
|
There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
|
|
can't remember.
|
|
-- Italo Svevo
|
|
%
|
|
There are three things I have always loved
|
|
and never understood -- art, music, and women.
|
|
%
|
|
There are three things men can do with women:
|
|
love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
|
|
-- Stephen Stills
|
|
%
|
|
There are three ways to get something done:
|
|
|
|
1: Do it yourself.
|
|
2: Hire someone to do it for you.
|
|
3: Forbid your kids to do it.
|
|
%
|
|
There are three ways to get something done:
|
|
do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
|
|
%
|
|
There are twenty-five people left in the world,
|
|
and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
|
|
-- Ed Sanders
|
|
%
|
|
There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
|
|
together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
|
|
struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
|
|
the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
|
|
room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
|
|
"It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
|
|
Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
|
|
you?"
|
|
"Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
|
|
"Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
|
|
"It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
|
|
I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
|
|
Man it is smokin'!"
|
|
"Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
|
|
tell me more!"
|
|
"Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
|
|
and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
|
|
I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
|
|
"The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
|
|
%
|
|
There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
|
|
And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"
|
|
-- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
|
|
%
|
|
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
|
|
-- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
|
|
%
|
|
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
|
|
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
|
|
-- Jeremy S. Anderson
|
|
%
|
|
There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
|
|
like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
|
|
%
|
|
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
|
|
marriage and after marriage.
|
|
%
|
|
There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make
|
|
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
|
|
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
|
|
-- C.A.R. Hoare
|
|
%
|
|
There are two ways of disliking art.
|
|
One is to dislike it.
|
|
The other is to like it rationally.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
There are two ways of disliking poetry;
|
|
one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
There are two ways to write error-free
|
|
programs; only the third one works.
|
|
%
|
|
There are very few personal problems that cannot be
|
|
solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
|
|
%
|
|
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
|
|
with an insurance salesman?
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
|
|
of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
|
|
rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
|
|
together we'll face the world.
|
|
-- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
|
|
%
|
|
There but for the grace of God, goes God.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
|
|
%
|
|
There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
|
|
-- Ralph Nader
|
|
%
|
|
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
|
|
-- Henry Kissinger
|
|
%
|
|
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
|
|
has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
There comes a time to stop being angry.
|
|
-- A Small Circle of Friends
|
|
%
|
|
There exist tasks which cannot be done
|
|
by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
|
|
-- Steele's Law
|
|
%
|
|
There goes the good time that was had by all.
|
|
-- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
|
|
%
|
|
There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
|
|
For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
|
|
permissions for everyone, you could say
|
|
|
|
#define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
|
|
|
|
I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
|
|
hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
|
|
from its uses.
|
|
To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
|
|
is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
|
|
the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
|
|
being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
|
|
name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
|
|
-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
|
|
recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
|
|
was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
|
|
-- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
|
|
%
|
|
There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
|
|
-- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
|
|
%
|
|
There has been an alarming increase in the
|
|
number of things you know nothing about.
|
|
%
|
|
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
|
|
%
|
|
There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
|
|
is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
|
|
vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
|
|
stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
|
|
|
|
Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
|
|
elevator with one other person from each floor?
|
|
A: The elevator would be full.
|
|
%
|
|
There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
|
|
is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
|
|
you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
|
|
--Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
|
|
%
|
|
There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
|
|
opinion.
|
|
-- Anatole France
|
|
%
|
|
There is a fly on your nose.
|
|
%
|
|
There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
|
|
and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
|
|
each other's throat.
|
|
-- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
|
|
%
|
|
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
|
|
that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
|
|
%
|
|
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
|
|
%
|
|
There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
|
|
his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
|
|
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
|
|
%
|
|
There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
|
|
wooden toilet seats.
|
|
|
|
It's called the Birch John Society.
|
|
%
|
|
There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
|
|
Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
|
|
Fatherland.
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler
|
|
%
|
|
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
|
|
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
|
|
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There
|
|
is another theory which states that this has already happened.
|
|
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
|
|
%
|
|
There is a time in the tides of men,
|
|
Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
|
|
On the other hand, don't count on it.
|
|
-- T.K. Lawson
|
|
%
|
|
There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
|
|
is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
|
|
-- Helen Rowland
|
|
%
|
|
There is always more hell that needs raising.
|
|
-- Lauren Leveut
|
|
%
|
|
There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
|
|
somebody out.
|
|
-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
|
|
%
|
|
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
There is always something new out of Africa.
|
|
-- Gaius Plinius Secundus
|
|
%
|
|
There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
|
|
has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
|
|
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
|
|
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
There is brutality and there is honesty.
|
|
There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
|
|
%
|
|
There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
|
|
having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
|
|
whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
|
|
gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
|
|
most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
|
|
-- Darwin
|
|
%
|
|
There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
|
|
not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
|
|
%
|
|
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
|
|
-- Arthur C. Clarke
|
|
%
|
|
There is in certain living souls
|
|
A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
|
|
So great it must be shared
|
|
As company is shared by lesser beings.
|
|
Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
|
|
That in immensity
|
|
There is one lonelier than you.
|
|
%
|
|
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
|
|
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
|
|
Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
|
|
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
|
|
on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
|
|
even highly probable.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, 1930
|
|
%
|
|
There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
|
|
-- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
|
|
Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
|
|
%
|
|
There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
|
|
and we will conquer. Follow me.
|
|
-- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
|
|
%
|
|
There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
|
|
man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton
|
|
%
|
|
There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
|
|
man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle.
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton
|
|
%
|
|
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
|
|
-- Mahatma Gandhi
|
|
%
|
|
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
|
|
-- Mohandis K. Gandhi
|
|
%
|
|
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
|
|
-- Darth Vader
|
|
%
|
|
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
|
|
always enough time to do it over.
|
|
%
|
|
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
|
|
is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
|
|
-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
|
|
%
|
|
There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
|
|
No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
|
|
-- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
|
|
%
|
|
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
|
|
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
|
|
-- Jean Giradoux
|
|
%
|
|
"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
|
|
the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
|
|
civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
|
|
We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
|
|
striving of the human race"
|
|
-- Alfred North Whitehead
|
|
%
|
|
There is no comfort without pain; thus
|
|
we define salvation through suffering.
|
|
-- Cato
|
|
%
|
|
There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
|
|
-- George Santayana
|
|
%
|
|
There is no delight the equal of dread.
|
|
As long as it is somebody else's.
|
|
--Clive Barker
|
|
%
|
|
There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
|
|
filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
|
|
as 'unearned income.'
|
|
-- Michael Lara
|
|
%
|
|
There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
|
|
education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
|
|
parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
|
|
child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
|
|
picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
|
|
Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
|
|
-- Filthy Rich and Catflap
|
|
%
|
|
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no fool to the old fool.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
There is no future in time travel.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
|
|
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
|
|
-- Ernest Hemingway
|
|
%
|
|
There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
|
|
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
|
|
%
|
|
There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
|
|
-- George Francis Gillette
|
|
%
|
|
There is no point in waiting.
|
|
The train stopped running years ago.
|
|
All the schedules, the brochures,
|
|
The bright-colored posters full of lies,
|
|
Promise rides to a distant country
|
|
That no longer exists.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no proverb that is not true.
|
|
-- Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
|
|
to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
|
|
So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
|
|
check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
|
|
-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no royal road to geometry.
|
|
-- Euclid
|
|
%
|
|
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
|
|
-- General Douglas MacArthur
|
|
%
|
|
There is no sin but ignorance.
|
|
-- Christopher Marlowe
|
|
%
|
|
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
|
|
%
|
|
There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no such thing as a free lunch.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
|
|
the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
|
|
-- Christian Dior
|
|
%
|
|
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
|
|
Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
|
|
%
|
|
There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
|
|
some anxiety always goes with it.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no time like the pleasant.
|
|
%
|
|
There is no time like the present
|
|
for postponing what you ought to be doing.
|
|
%
|
|
There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
|
|
family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
|
|
the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
|
|
live as cheap as the people.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
|
|
us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
|
|
-- Augier
|
|
%
|
|
There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
|
|
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
|
|
%
|
|
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
|
|
-- Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
|
|
-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
|
|
%
|
|
There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
|
|
-- Marie Antoinette
|
|
%
|
|
There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
|
|
when you do it reluctantly.
|
|
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
|
|
%
|
|
There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
|
|
comes to visit.
|
|
%
|
|
There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
|
|
a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
|
|
"And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
|
|
an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
|
|
"I could have answered it if I had been there."
|
|
"Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
|
|
the middle of the night?'"
|
|
%
|
|
There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
|
|
%
|
|
There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
|
|
is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
|
|
%
|
|
There is one difference between a tax collector and
|
|
a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
|
|
-- Mortimer Caplan
|
|
%
|
|
There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
|
|
"Yes" you know he is crooked.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
There is only one thing in the world worse than being
|
|
talked about, and that is not being talked about.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
|
|
-- Paul Bourget
|
|
%
|
|
There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
|
|
-- Robert Heinlein
|
|
%
|
|
There is only one way to kill capitalism --
|
|
by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
|
|
-- Karl Marx
|
|
%
|
|
There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
|
|
and that word is blackmail.
|
|
-- Colm Brogan
|
|
%
|
|
There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
|
|
it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
|
|
-- James Boswell
|
|
%
|
|
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
|
|
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
There is something in the pang of change
|
|
More than the heart can bear,
|
|
Unhappiness remembering happiness.
|
|
-- Euripides
|
|
%
|
|
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
|
|
%
|
|
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
|
|
constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
|
|
who do not.
|
|
-- Robert Benchley
|
|
%
|
|
There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
|
|
States; of course, I never heard the story before.
|
|
%
|
|
There must be more to life than having everything.
|
|
-- Maurice Sendak
|
|
%
|
|
There never was a good war or a bad peace.
|
|
-- B. Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
|
|
king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
|
|
in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
|
|
to the prince:
|
|
"If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
|
|
half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
|
|
what would your decision be, my son?"
|
|
The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
|
|
her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
|
|
The king knew that his son would be a great king.
|
|
%
|
|
There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
|
|
king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
|
|
in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
|
|
to the prince:
|
|
"If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
|
|
half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
|
|
what would your decision be, my son?"
|
|
The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
|
|
her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
|
|
that I had promised."
|
|
The king knew that his son would be a great king.
|
|
%
|
|
There seems no plan because it is all plan.
|
|
-- C.S. Lewis
|
|
%
|
|
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
|
|
-- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a little girl
|
|
Who had a little curl
|
|
Right in the middle of her forehead.
|
|
When she was good, she was very, very good
|
|
And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
|
|
-- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
|
|
%
|
|
There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
|
|
with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
|
|
was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
|
|
over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
|
|
to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
|
|
and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
|
|
able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
|
|
around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
|
|
him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
|
|
to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
|
|
hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
|
|
the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
|
|
cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
|
|
her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
|
|
course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
|
|
sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
|
|
to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
|
|
"Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
|
|
%
|
|
There was a phone call for you.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
|
|
left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
|
|
Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
|
|
they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
|
|
out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
|
|
the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
|
|
with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
|
|
We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
|
|
to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
|
|
%
|
|
There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
|
|
no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
|
|
every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
|
|
insupportable.
|
|
-- Kurt Vonnegut
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from Brazil,
|
|
And a lady who'd not take the pill,
|
|
They lay on the sofa,
|
|
And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~
|
|
n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o
|
|
8]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~
|
|
%
|
|
There was a young man from LeDoux,
|
|
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
|
|
|
|
There was a young man from Verdunne.
|
|
|
|
[Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
|
|
is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
|
|
mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
|
|
their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
|
|
of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
|
|
couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
|
|
blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
|
|
on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
|
|
baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
|
|
were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
|
|
of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
|
|
The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
|
|
the squaws of the other two hides.
|
|
%
|
|
There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
|
|
in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
|
|
that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
|
|
practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
|
|
to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
|
|
necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
|
|
(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
|
|
-- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
|
|
%
|
|
There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
|
|
Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
|
|
you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
|
|
should I do?"
|
|
"Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
|
|
like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
|
|
you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
|
|
"Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
|
|
A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
|
|
in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
|
|
pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
|
|
he tells the counterman.
|
|
The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
|
|
"You must be from New York."
|
|
The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
|
|
you know?"
|
|
"Because this is a hardware store."
|
|
%
|
|
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
|
|
the boss asks for a lift home from office.
|
|
%
|
|
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
|
|
the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
|
|
%
|
|
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
|
|
%
|
|
There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
|
|
this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
|
|
-- Machiavelli
|
|
%
|
|
There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
|
|
ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
|
|
pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
|
|
hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
|
|
least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
|
|
Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
|
|
pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
|
|
-- Shirley Povich, 1941
|
|
%
|
|
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.
|
|
Too bad it's not a fence.
|
|
%
|
|
There's a lesson that I need to remember
|
|
When everything is falling apart
|
|
In life, just like in loving
|
|
There's such a thing as trying to hard
|
|
|
|
You've gotta sing
|
|
Like you don't need the money
|
|
Love like you'll never get hurt
|
|
You've gotta dance
|
|
Like nobody's watching
|
|
It's gotta come from the heart
|
|
If you want it to work.
|
|
-- Kathy Mattea
|
|
%
|
|
There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
|
|
%
|
|
There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
|
|
and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
|
|
little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
|
|
A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
|
|
there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
|
|
The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
|
|
it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
|
|
said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
|
|
on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
|
|
his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
|
|
spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
|
|
quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
|
|
and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
|
|
%
|
|
There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
|
|
The corporation that we represent.
|
|
We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
|
|
Of that man of men our sterling president
|
|
The name of T.J. Watson means
|
|
A courage none can stem
|
|
And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
|
|
-- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
|
|
%
|
|
There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
|
|
recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
|
|
let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
|
|
or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
|
|
a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
|
|
rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
|
|
living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
|
|
action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
|
|
best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
|
|
We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
|
|
are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
|
|
along -- quite gracefully.
|
|
-- Ellen Goodman
|
|
%
|
|
There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
|
|
-- Doug Clifford
|
|
%
|
|
There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
|
|
%
|
|
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
|
|
%
|
|
There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.
|
|
I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it
|
|
didn't do anything to me.
|
|
-- John Wayne
|
|
%
|
|
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
|
|
%
|
|
There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
|
|
%
|
|
There's little in taking or giving,
|
|
There's little in water or wine:
|
|
This living, this living, this living,
|
|
Was never a project of mine.
|
|
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
|
|
The gain of the one at the top,
|
|
For art is a form of catharsis,
|
|
And love is a permanent flop,
|
|
And work is the province of cattle,
|
|
And rest's for a clam in a shell,
|
|
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
|
|
Would you kindly direct me to hell?
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
There's no future in time travel.
|
|
%
|
|
There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
|
|
%
|
|
There's no justice in this world.
|
|
-- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
|
|
New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
|
|
saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
|
|
the assassination of Schultz instead)
|
|
%
|
|
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
|
|
-- Dr. Who
|
|
%
|
|
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
|
|
-- Raoul Duke
|
|
%
|
|
There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
|
|
%
|
|
There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
|
|
what you're talking about.
|
|
-- John von Neumann
|
|
%
|
|
There's no such thing as a free lunch.
|
|
-- Milton Friendman
|
|
%
|
|
There's no such thing as an original sin.
|
|
-- Elvis Costello
|
|
%
|
|
There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
|
|
%
|
|
There's no time like the pleasant.
|
|
%
|
|
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
|
|
working for you.
|
|
-- Will Rodgers
|
|
%
|
|
There's no use being precise about something
|
|
when you don't even know what you're talking about.
|
|
-- John von Neumann
|
|
%
|
|
There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
|
|
armadillos.
|
|
-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
|
|
neckline to keep a man on his toes.
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
|
|
his wife.
|
|
-- Clare Booth Luce
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
|
|
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
|
|
-- J.S. Bach
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
|
|
and open a vein.
|
|
-- Red Smith
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
|
|
nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing worse for your business than
|
|
extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
|
|
-- W. Bossert
|
|
%
|
|
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
|
|
reasoning with them won't aggravate.
|
|
%
|
|
There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
|
|
always see somebody who did worse.
|
|
-- Warren H. Goldsmith
|
|
%
|
|
There's one fool at least in every married couple.
|
|
%
|
|
There's only one everything.
|
|
%
|
|
There's only one way to have a happy marriage
|
|
and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
|
|
-- Clint Eastwood
|
|
%
|
|
There's small choice in rotten apples.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
|
|
%
|
|
There's so much plastic in this culture that
|
|
vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
|
|
%
|
|
There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
|
|
Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
|
|
-- G. Gordon Liddy
|
|
%
|
|
There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
|
|
If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
|
|
-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
|
|
%
|
|
There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
|
|
-- Richard Le Gallienne
|
|
%
|
|
These activities have their own rules and methods
|
|
of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
|
|
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
|
|
%
|
|
These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
|
|
they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
|
|
%
|
|
They also serve who only stand and wait.
|
|
-- John Milton
|
|
%
|
|
They also surf who only stand on waves.
|
|
%
|
|
They are called computers simply because computation is
|
|
the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
|
|
%
|
|
They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
|
|
what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
|
|
life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
|
|
-- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
|
|
of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
|
|
%
|
|
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
|
|
when they can see nothing but sea.
|
|
-- Francis Bacon
|
|
%
|
|
They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
|
|
-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
|
|
%
|
|
They call them "squares" because it's the
|
|
most complicated shape they can deal with.
|
|
%
|
|
They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
|
|
-- The Blues Brothers
|
|
%
|
|
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
|
|
-- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last
|
|
words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
|
|
%
|
|
They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
|
|
are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
|
|
|
|
(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
|
|
53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
|
|
conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
|
|
million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
|
|
brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
|
|
the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
|
|
there.
|
|
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
|
|
you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
|
|
sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
|
|
A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
|
|
that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
|
|
sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is
|
|
going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
|
|
just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
|
|
%
|
|
They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
|
|
try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
|
|
man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
|
|
only want to count to two.
|
|
-- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
|
|
%
|
|
They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
|
|
-- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
|
|
question about the suffering of starving miners.
|
|
%
|
|
They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
|
|
%
|
|
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
|
|
%
|
|
They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
|
|
%
|
|
They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
|
|
especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
|
|
but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
|
|
not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
|
|
learn this particular lesson.
|
|
-- Richard Stallman
|
|
%
|
|
They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
|
|
system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
|
|
we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
|
|
|
|
I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
|
|
my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
|
|
then we take Berlin.
|
|
|
|
I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
|
|
and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station?
|
|
I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
|
|
-- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
|
|
%
|
|
They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy.
|
|
Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
|
|
About a month before. Their hair began to curl
|
|
The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
|
|
But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
|
|
|
|
He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
|
|
To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
|
|
And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
|
|
The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
|
|
|
|
My notion was to start again
|
|
Ignoring all they'd done
|
|
We quickly turned it into code
|
|
To see if it would run.
|
|
%
|
|
They told me you had proven it
|
|
About a month before.
|
|
The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try
|
|
But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed
|
|
And after we were done, to them
|
|
The new proof would be mailed.
|
|
My notion was to start again
|
|
Ignoring all they'd done
|
|
We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results
|
|
To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl
|
|
Instead of understanding it
|
|
We'd run the thing through PRL.
|
|
Don't tell a soul about all this
|
|
For it must ever be
|
|
A secret, kept from all the rest
|
|
Between yourself and me.
|
|
%
|
|
They took some of the Van Goghs, most
|
|
of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
|
|
%
|
|
They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
|
|
-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
|
|
%
|
|
They use different words for things in America.
|
|
For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
|
|
They say drapes and we say curtains.
|
|
They say president and we say brain damaged git.
|
|
-- Alexie Sayle
|
|
%
|
|
They went rushing down that freeway,
|
|
Messed around and got lost.
|
|
They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
|
|
And it was life in the fast lane.
|
|
-- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
|
|
%
|
|
They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
|
|
-- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
|
|
%
|
|
They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
|
|
The man said "We got all that we can use",
|
|
So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
|
|
Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
|
|
-- Jim Croce
|
|
%
|
|
They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
|
|
back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
|
|
of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
|
|
for freedom.
|
|
-- Stig's Inferno
|
|
%
|
|
They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
|
|
-- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
|
|
%
|
|
They're just jealous because they don't have three
|
|
wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
|
|
-- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
|
|
ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
|
|
%
|
|
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
|
|
%
|
|
Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
|
|
their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
|
|
%
|
|
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
|
|
-- Dwight Eisenhower
|
|
%
|
|
Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
|
|
%
|
|
Things are not always what they seem.
|
|
-- Phaedrus
|
|
%
|
|
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
|
|
%
|
|
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
|
|
%
|
|
Things past redress and now with me past care.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
|
|
%
|
|
Things will be bright in P.M.
|
|
A cop will shine a light in your face.
|
|
%
|
|
Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
|
|
%
|
|
Think big.
|
|
Pollute the Mississippi.
|
|
%
|
|
Think honk if you're a telepath.
|
|
%
|
|
Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
|
|
-- Darrell Royal
|
|
%
|
|
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
|
|
%
|
|
Think of your family tonight.
|
|
Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
|
|
%
|
|
Think sideways!
|
|
-- Ed De Bono
|
|
%
|
|
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
|
|
%
|
|
Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
|
|
-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
|
|
%
|
|
Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
|
|
It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
|
|
Have made my days and nights imperishable,
|
|
Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
|
|
Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
|
|
Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
|
|
But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
|
|
Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
|
|
%
|
|
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
|
|
when the hostess has only twelve chops.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
Thirty white horses on a red hill,
|
|
First they champ,
|
|
Then they stamp,
|
|
Then they stand still.
|
|
-- Tolkien
|
|
%
|
|
This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
|
|
Everye nighte and alle,
|
|
Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
|
|
And Christe receive thy saule.
|
|
-- The Lykewake Dirge
|
|
%
|
|
This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
|
|
speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
|
|
batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
|
|
deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
|
|
Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
|
|
spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
|
|
beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
|
|
pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
|
|
half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
|
|
a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
|
|
individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
|
|
limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
|
|
%
|
|
This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
|
|
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
|
|
-- Found on a door in the MSU music building
|
|
%
|
|
This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
|
|
%
|
|
This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
|
|
%
|
|
This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
|
|
need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
|
|
random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
|
|
up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
|
|
all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
|
|
%
|
|
This fortune intentionally not included.
|
|
%
|
|
This fortune intentionally says nothing.
|
|
%
|
|
This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
|
|
invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
|
|
%
|
|
This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
|
|
%
|
|
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
|
|
%
|
|
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
|
|
%
|
|
This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
|
|
%
|
|
This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
|
|
%
|
|
This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
|
|
We have emotional moving vans.
|
|
-- Bruce Feirstein
|
|
%
|
|
This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
|
|
bags! I just won the California lottery!"
|
|
"Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
|
|
"I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
|
|
of the house by dinner!"
|
|
%
|
|
This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
|
|
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
|
|
%
|
|
This is a good time to punt work.
|
|
%
|
|
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
|
|
Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
|
|
%
|
|
This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
|
|
Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
|
|
and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
|
|
%
|
|
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
|
|
and not enough hunchbacks.
|
|
%
|
|
This is for all ill-treated fellows
|
|
Unborn and unbegot,
|
|
For them to read when they're in trouble
|
|
And I am not.
|
|
-- A.E. Housman
|
|
%
|
|
This is Jim Rockford.
|
|
At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
|
|
%
|
|
This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
|
|
his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
|
|
Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
|
|
%
|
|
This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
|
|
I don't talk to machines! [Click]
|
|
%
|
|
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
|
|
%
|
|
This is NOT a repeat.
|
|
%
|
|
This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
|
|
spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
|
|
who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
|
|
-- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
|
|
%
|
|
This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
|
|
Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
|
|
%
|
|
This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
|
|
meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
|
|
and come alone. I'm serious!
|
|
%
|
|
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
|
|
which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
|
|
-- Arthur Clarke
|
|
%
|
|
This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
|
|
power of computers:
|
|
|
|
Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
|
|
thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
|
|
level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
|
|
one should eat each day:
|
|
|
|
1/2 chicken
|
|
1 egg
|
|
1 glass of skim milk
|
|
27 heads of lettuce.
|
|
-- Rev. Adrian Melott
|
|
%
|
|
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
This is the theory that Jack built.
|
|
This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
|
|
This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
|
|
%
|
|
This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
|
|
And now you know why.
|
|
%
|
|
This is the way the world ends,
|
|
This is the way the world ends,
|
|
This is the way the world ends,
|
|
Not with a bang but with a whimper.
|
|
-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
|
|
%
|
|
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
|
|
-- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
|
|
%
|
|
This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
|
|
constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
|
|
been called by others the fiddle factor..."
|
|
-- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
|
|
%
|
|
This land is my land, and only my land,
|
|
I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
|
|
If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
|
|
This land is private property.
|
|
-- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
|
|
%
|
|
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
|
|
actual life, you would have received further instructions as
|
|
to what to do and where to go.
|
|
%
|
|
This life is yours. Some of it was given
|
|
to you; the rest, you made yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.
|
|
%
|
|
This login session: $13.99
|
|
%
|
|
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
|
|
%
|
|
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
|
|
%
|
|
This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
|
|
great force.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
|
|
are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
|
|
who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
|
|
don't actually hurt.
|
|
One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
|
|
Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
|
|
hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
|
|
man enough to take me on?"
|
|
The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
|
|
Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
|
|
tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
|
|
a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
|
|
Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
|
|
"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
|
|
The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
|
|
charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
|
|
After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
|
|
crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
|
|
"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
|
|
replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
|
|
%
|
|
This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
|
|
got to find a way off this planet.
|
|
%
|
|
This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
|
|
the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
|
|
solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
|
|
largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
|
|
which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
|
|
paper that were unhappy.
|
|
-- Douglas Adams
|
|
%
|
|
This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
|
|
something child-like.
|
|
-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
|
|
%
|
|
This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
|
|
persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
|
|
assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
|
|
shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
|
|
condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
|
|
Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
|
|
indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
|
|
or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
|
|
penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
|
|
check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
|
|
are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
|
|
offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
|
|
Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
|
|
not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
|
|
toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
|
|
appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
|
|
not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
|
|
paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
|
|
suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
|
|
strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
|
|
are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
|
|
all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
|
|
%
|
|
This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
|
|
mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
|
|
often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
|
|
adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
This screen intentionally left blank.
|
|
%
|
|
This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
|
|
%
|
|
This sentence no verb.
|
|
%
|
|
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
|
|
%
|
|
This thing all things devours:
|
|
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
|
|
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
|
|
Grinds hard stones to meal;
|
|
Slays king, ruins town,
|
|
And beats high mountain down.
|
|
%
|
|
This unit... must... survive.
|
|
%
|
|
This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
|
|
contents may have occurred during shipment.
|
|
%
|
|
This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
|
|
dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
|
|
pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
|
|
-- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
|
|
%
|
|
This was the most unkindest cut of all.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
|
|
%
|
|
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
|
|
This was terrible with raisins in it.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
|
|
%
|
|
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
|
|
%
|
|
This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
|
|
The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
|
|
could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
|
|
The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
|
|
wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
|
|
pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
|
|
and was lying about twenty feet away.
|
|
There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
|
|
"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
|
|
%
|
|
Those lovable Brits department:
|
|
They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
|
|
%
|
|
Those of you who think you know everything
|
|
are annoying those of us who do.
|
|
%
|
|
Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
|
|
%
|
|
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
|
|
are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
|
|
at are called software.
|
|
-- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
|
|
Literacy for the 1990's.
|
|
%
|
|
Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
|
|
learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
|
|
-- W.S. Krabill
|
|
%
|
|
Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
|
|
Silly Putty.
|
|
-- Dennis Rawlins
|
|
%
|
|
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
|
|
%
|
|
Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
|
|
Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
|
|
%
|
|
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
|
|
-- George Santayana
|
|
%
|
|
Those who can't write, write manuals.
|
|
%
|
|
Those who claim the dead never return
|
|
to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
|
|
%
|
|
Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
|
|
%
|
|
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
|
|
-- Henry Spencer
|
|
%
|
|
Those who do things in a noble spirit of
|
|
self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
|
|
-- N. Alexander.
|
|
%
|
|
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
|
|
parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
|
|
-- Aristotle
|
|
%
|
|
Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
|
|
Often have a share in their misfortunes.
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
|
|
%
|
|
Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
|
|
world is love. The poor know that it is money.
|
|
-- Gerald Brenan
|
|
%
|
|
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
|
|
%
|
|
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
|
|
will make violent revolution inevitable.
|
|
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
|
|
%
|
|
Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
|
|
men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
|
|
without the roar of its many waters.
|
|
-- Frederick Douglass
|
|
%
|
|
Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
|
|
Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
|
|
While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
|
|
PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
|
|
Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
|
|
|
|
Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
|
|
Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
|
|
Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
|
|
Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
|
|
The highest rung. In his bung.
|
|
|
|
Because in life they prayed so ill
|
|
And offered god such swinish swill
|
|
Now they sweat in flames of hell
|
|
Sweat from lack of APL
|
|
Sweat dung!
|
|
%
|
|
Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
|
|
%
|
|
Thou hast seen nothing yet.
|
|
-- Miguel de Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
|
|
%
|
|
Though I respect that a lot
|
|
I'd be fired if that were my job
|
|
After killing Jason off and
|
|
Countless screaming argonauts
|
|
|
|
Bluebird of friendliness
|
|
Like guardian angels it's
|
|
Always near
|
|
|
|
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
|
|
Who watches over you
|
|
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
|
|
Not to put too fine a point on it
|
|
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
|
|
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
|
|
|
|
-- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
|
|
%
|
|
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
|
|
%
|
|
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
|
|
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
|
|
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
|
|
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...
|
|
A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
|
|
more about the matter than the others.
|
|
%
|
|
Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
|
|
-- Trollope
|
|
%
|
|
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
|
|
-- Benjamin Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
|
|
all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
|
|
"Old MacDonald had a . . ."
|
|
|
|
"Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
|
|
"Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
|
|
"Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
|
|
service station," said the Missourian.
|
|
"Wrong."
|
|
"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
|
|
"CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
|
|
"Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
|
|
%
|
|
Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
|
|
is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
|
|
-- A.E. Houseman
|
|
%
|
|
Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
|
|
late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
|
|
-- Jean-Paul Sartre
|
|
%
|
|
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
|
|
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
|
|
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
|
|
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
|
|
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
|
|
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
|
|
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
|
|
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
|
|
-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
|
|
%
|
|
Three rules for sounding like an expert:
|
|
1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
|
|
2. Always point out second-order effects,
|
|
but never point out when they can be ignored.
|
|
3. Come up with three rules of your own.
|
|
%
|
|
Throw away documentation and manuals,
|
|
and users will be a hundred times happier.
|
|
Throw away privileges and quotas,
|
|
and users will do the Right Thing.
|
|
Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
|
|
and there won't be any pirating.
|
|
|
|
If these three aren't enough,
|
|
just stay at your home directory
|
|
and let all processes take their course.
|
|
%
|
|
Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
|
|
what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
|
|
-- Bertrand Russell
|
|
%
|
|
Thus spake the master programmer:
|
|
"A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
|
|
is its own hell."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Thus spake the master programmer:
|
|
"After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Thus spake the master programmer:
|
|
"Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
|
|
be productive."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Thus spake the master programmer:
|
|
"Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
|
|
be maintained."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Thus spake the master programmer:
|
|
"Time for you to leave."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Thus spake the master programmer:
|
|
"When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Thus spake the master programmer:
|
|
"When you have learned to snatch the error code from
|
|
the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Thus spake the master programmer:
|
|
"Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
|
|
hardware is useless."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Thus spake the master programmer:
|
|
"You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
|
|
can't make him computer literate."
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Thyme's Law:
|
|
Everything goes wrong at once.
|
|
%
|
|
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
|
|
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
|
|
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
|
|
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
|
|
|
|
Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
|
|
Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
|
|
You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
|
|
And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
|
|
|
|
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
|
|
And racing around to come up behind you again
|
|
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
|
|
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
|
|
|
|
Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
|
|
is the English way
|
|
Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
|
|
Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
|
|
Or half a page of scribbled lines
|
|
-- Pink Floyd, "Time"
|
|
%
|
|
Tiddely Quiddely
|
|
Edward M. Kennedy
|
|
Quite unaccountably
|
|
Drove in a stream.
|
|
|
|
Pleas of amnesia
|
|
Incomprehensible
|
|
Possibly shattered
|
|
Political dream.
|
|
%
|
|
Tiger got to hunt,
|
|
Bird got to fly;
|
|
Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
|
|
|
|
Tiger got to sleep,
|
|
Bird got to land;
|
|
Man got to tell himself he understand.
|
|
-- The Books of Bokonon
|
|
%
|
|
Time and tide wait for no man.
|
|
%
|
|
Time as he grows old teaches all things.
|
|
-- Aeschylus
|
|
%
|
|
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
|
|
%
|
|
Time goes, you say?
|
|
Ah no!
|
|
Time stays, *we* go.
|
|
-- Austin Dobson
|
|
%
|
|
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
|
|
-- Hector Berlioz
|
|
%
|
|
Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so.
|
|
-- Ford Prefect
|
|
%
|
|
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
|
|
-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
|
|
%
|
|
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
|
|
%
|
|
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
|
|
-- Henry David Thoreau
|
|
%
|
|
Time is nature's way of making sure that
|
|
everything doesn't happen at once.
|
|
|
|
Space is nature's way of making sure that
|
|
everything doesn't happen to you.
|
|
%
|
|
Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
|
|
-- Theophrastus
|
|
%
|
|
Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
|
|
%
|
|
Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
|
|
%
|
|
Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
|
|
%
|
|
Time to take stock.
|
|
Go home with some office supplies.
|
|
%
|
|
Time washes clean
|
|
Love's wounds unseen.
|
|
That's what someone told me;
|
|
But I don't know what it means.
|
|
-- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
|
|
%
|
|
Time will end all my troubles,
|
|
but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
|
|
%
|
|
Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
|
|
-- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)
|
|
%
|
|
timesharing, n:
|
|
An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
|
|
%
|
|
Timing must be perfect now.
|
|
Two-timing must be better than perfect.
|
|
%
|
|
Tip of the Day:
|
|
Never fry bacon in the nude.
|
|
%
|
|
Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
|
|
-- J. LeBoutillier
|
|
%
|
|
Tip the world over on its side and
|
|
everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
|
|
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
|
|
%
|
|
TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
|
|
Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
|
|
There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
|
|
Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
|
|
they would ordinarily.
|
|
There is no music in space.
|
|
People will pay to watch people make sounds.
|
|
Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
|
|
%
|
|
TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
|
|
force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
|
|
the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
|
|
to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
|
|
recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
|
|
Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
|
|
"Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
|
|
never been easier."
|
|
Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
|
|
it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
|
|
components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
|
|
work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
|
|
magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
|
|
much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
|
|
But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
|
|
Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
|
|
Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
|
|
Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
|
|
1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
|
|
available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
|
|
%
|
|
Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
|
|
%
|
|
'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
|
|
is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
|
|
stopping at red lights are both optional.
|
|
-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
|
|
%
|
|
To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
|
|
above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
|
|
to spend a few days there.
|
|
-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
|
|
%
|
|
To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
|
|
in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
|
|
-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
|
|
%
|
|
To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
|
|
in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
|
|
only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
|
|
Swedes speak better English."
|
|
-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
|
|
%
|
|
To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
|
|
a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
|
|
thousand.
|
|
-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
|
|
%
|
|
To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
|
|
To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
|
|
oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
|
|
-- Epictetus
|
|
%
|
|
To add insult to injury.
|
|
-- Phaedrus
|
|
%
|
|
To any truly impartial person, it would
|
|
be obvious that I am always right.
|
|
%
|
|
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
|
|
-- Elbert Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
|
|
-- Shelley
|
|
%
|
|
To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
|
|
should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
|
|
-- Thackeray
|
|
%
|
|
To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
|
|
than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
|
|
%
|
|
To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
|
|
Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
|
|
-- Confucius
|
|
%
|
|
To be great is to be misunderstood.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
|
|
Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
|
|
fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
|
|
It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
|
|
in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
|
|
weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
|
|
be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
|
|
a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
|
|
and not be happy.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
|
|
%
|
|
To be is to be related.
|
|
-- C.J. Keyser.
|
|
%
|
|
To be is to do.
|
|
-- I. Kant
|
|
To do is to be.
|
|
-- A. Sartre
|
|
Do be a Do Bee!
|
|
-- Miss Connie, Romper Room
|
|
Do be do be do!
|
|
-- F. Sinatra
|
|
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
|
|
-- F. Flintstone
|
|
%
|
|
To be loved is very demoralizing.
|
|
-- Katharine Hepburn
|
|
%
|
|
to be nobody but yourself in a world
|
|
which is doing its best night and day
|
|
to make you like everybody else
|
|
means to fight the hardest battle
|
|
any human being can fight and
|
|
never stop fighting.
|
|
-- e.e. cummings
|
|
%
|
|
To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
|
|
night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
|
|
battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
|
|
-- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
|
|
%
|
|
To be or not to be.
|
|
-- Shakespeare
|
|
To do is to be.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
To be is to do.
|
|
-- Sartre
|
|
Do be do be do.
|
|
-- Sinatra
|
|
%
|
|
To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
|
|
%
|
|
To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
|
|
but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
|
|
-- Lionel Strachey
|
|
%
|
|
To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
|
|
-- Golda Meir
|
|
%
|
|
To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
|
|
as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
|
|
%
|
|
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
|
|
and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
|
|
%
|
|
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
|
|
%
|
|
To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
|
|
%
|
|
To be wise, the only thing you really need
|
|
to know is when to say "I don't know."
|
|
%
|
|
To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
|
|
you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
%
|
|
To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
|
|
To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
|
|
To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
|
|
To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
|
|
To write those routines
|
|
To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
|
|
To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
|
|
To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
|
|
To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
|
|
To this glorious quest,
|
|
And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
|
|
That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
|
|
destined to lose,
|
|
Still strove with his last allocation
|
|
To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
|
|
-- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
|
|
%
|
|
To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
|
|
-- AT&T
|
|
%
|
|
To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
|
|
may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
|
|
-- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
|
|
%
|
|
To craunch a marmoset.
|
|
-- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
|
|
%
|
|
To criticize the incompetent is easy;
|
|
it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
|
|
%
|
|
To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
|
|
-- Senator Edmund Muskie
|
|
%
|
|
To do nothing is to be nothing.
|
|
%
|
|
To do two things at once is to do neither.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
|
|
convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
|
|
-- H. Poincare
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human -- but it feels divine.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
|
|
before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
|
|
-- MIT Assassination Club
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human, to forgive unusual.
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human, to purr feline.
|
|
To err is human, two curs canine.
|
|
To err is human, to moo bovine.
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
|
|
-- Benjamin Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human.
|
|
To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
|
|
%
|
|
To err is human,
|
|
To purr feline.
|
|
-- Robert Byrne
|
|
%
|
|
To err is humor.
|
|
%
|
|
To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
|
|
A time to be born, and a time to die;
|
|
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
|
|
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
|
|
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
|
|
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
|
|
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
|
|
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
|
|
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
|
|
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
|
|
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
|
|
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
|
|
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
|
|
A time to love, and a time to hate;
|
|
A time of war, and a time of peace.
|
|
Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
|
|
%
|
|
To fear love is to fear life, and those
|
|
who fear life are already three parts dead.
|
|
-- Bertrand Russell
|
|
%
|
|
To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
|
|
-- Norman Douglas
|
|
%
|
|
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
|
|
-- Benjamin Franklin
|
|
%
|
|
To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
|
|
%
|
|
To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
|
|
To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
|
|
%
|
|
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
|
|
persons, two of them absent.
|
|
%
|
|
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
|
|
%
|
|
To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
To have died once is enough.
|
|
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
|
|
%
|
|
To hell with the Prime Directive;
|
|
Let's KILL something!
|
|
%
|
|
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
|
|
-- Thomas Edison
|
|
%
|
|
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
|
|
-- Robert Heller
|
|
%
|
|
To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
|
|
-- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
|
|
%
|
|
To keep your friends treat them kindly;
|
|
to kill them, treat them often.
|
|
%
|
|
To know Edina is to reject it.
|
|
-- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
|
|
%
|
|
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
|
|
%
|
|
To lead people, you must follow behind.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
To listen to some devout people,
|
|
one would imagine that God never laughs.
|
|
-- Sri Aurobindo
|
|
%
|
|
To love is good, love being difficult.
|
|
%
|
|
To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
|
|
%
|
|
To make tax forms true they should
|
|
read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
|
|
%
|
|
To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
|
|
-- St. Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
|
|
where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
|
|
circus and a clown killed my dad.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
|
|
bitters. Shake.
|
|
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
|
|
%
|
|
To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
|
|
-- 19th century toast
|
|
%
|
|
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
|
|
%
|
|
To restore a sense of reality, I think
|
|
Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
|
|
-- Jack Paar
|
|
%
|
|
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
|
|
%
|
|
To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
|
|
but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
|
|
micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
|
|
-- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
|
|
%
|
|
To say you got a vote of confidence
|
|
would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
|
|
-- Andrew Young
|
|
%
|
|
To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
|
|
%
|
|
To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
|
|
and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
|
|
agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
|
|
There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
|
|
it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
|
|
tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
|
|
mind over matter; quite.
|
|
-- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
|
|
%
|
|
To see you is to sympathize.
|
|
%
|
|
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
|
|
the job will take the longest and cost the most.
|
|
%
|
|
To stand and be still,
|
|
At the Birkenhead drill,
|
|
Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
|
|
-- Rudyard Kipling
|
|
%
|
|
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
|
|
of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
|
|
%
|
|
To stay youthful, stay useful.
|
|
%
|
|
To teach is to learn.
|
|
%
|
|
To teach is to learn twice.
|
|
-- Joseph Joubert
|
|
%
|
|
To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
|
|
%
|
|
To Theodore Roosevelt:
|
|
You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
|
|
The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
|
|
you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
|
|
must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
|
|
Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
|
|
Lord of the Riff
|
|
Sultan to the Berbers
|
|
Last of the Barbary Pirates
|
|
%
|
|
To thine own self be true.
|
|
(If not that, at least make some money.)
|
|
%
|
|
To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
|
|
madness.
|
|
-- Eugene Ionesco
|
|
%
|
|
To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
|
|
system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
|
|
inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
|
|
precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
|
|
uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
|
|
well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
|
|
of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
|
|
secure ecological niche.
|
|
-- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
|
|
%
|
|
TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
|
|
|
|
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
|
|
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
|
|
may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
|
|
Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
|
|
to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
|
|
destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
|
|
or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your
|
|
receiving said benefit.
|
|
I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
|
|
yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
|
|
as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
|
|
in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
|
|
Amen.
|
|
-- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
|
|
%
|
|
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
|
|
%
|
|
To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
|
|
he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
|
|
%
|
|
To use violence is to already be defeated.
|
|
-- Chinese proverb
|
|
%
|
|
To whom the mornings are like nights,
|
|
What must the midnights be!
|
|
-- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
|
|
%
|
|
To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
|
|
strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
|
|
Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
|
|
and take by force a satisfying mesh.
|
|
Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
|
|
You are the master here, and they the slaves.
|
|
Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
|
|
and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
|
|
A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
|
|
What use are words that drive not to the heart?
|
|
A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
|
|
and choose more docile words to take its part.
|
|
A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
|
|
by making love directly to the brain.
|
|
%
|
|
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
Tobacco is a filthy weed,
|
|
That from the devil does proceed;
|
|
It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
|
|
And makes a chimney of your nose.
|
|
-- B. Waterhouse
|
|
%
|
|
TODAY:
|
|
A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
|
|
%
|
|
Today is a good day for information-gathering.
|
|
Read someone else's mail file.
|
|
%
|
|
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
|
|
%
|
|
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
|
|
%
|
|
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
|
|
%
|
|
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
|
|
%
|
|
Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
|
|
%
|
|
Today is the last day of your life so far.
|
|
%
|
|
Today is what happened to yesterday.
|
|
%
|
|
Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
|
|
cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
|
|
boarder.
|
|
%
|
|
Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
|
|
%
|
|
Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
|
|
cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
|
|
spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
|
|
-- Bob & Ray
|
|
%
|
|
Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
|
|
-- H.S. Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
|
|
%
|
|
toilet toupee, n:
|
|
Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
|
|
creating endless annoyance to male users.
|
|
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|
|
%
|
|
Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
%
|
|
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
|
|
but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
|
|
%
|
|
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
|
|
%
|
|
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
|
|
%
|
|
Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
|
|
-- DEC
|
|
%
|
|
Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
|
|
%
|
|
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
|
|
Don't forget to leave a tip.
|
|
%
|
|
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
|
|
%
|
|
Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
|
|
If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
|
|
%
|
|
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
|
|
driving cabs and cutting hair.
|
|
-- George Burns
|
|
%
|
|
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
|
|
real fast and freak everybody out.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
Too clever is dumb.
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
%
|
|
Too cool to calypso,
|
|
Too tough to tango,
|
|
Too weird to watusi
|
|
-- The Only Ones
|
|
%
|
|
Too Late
|
|
A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
|
|
the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
|
|
the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
|
|
the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
|
|
-- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
|
|
%
|
|
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
|
|
They seem more afraid of life than death.
|
|
-- James F. Byrnes
|
|
%
|
|
Too much is just enough.
|
|
-- Mark Twain, on whiskey
|
|
%
|
|
Too much is not enough.
|
|
%
|
|
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
|
|
anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
|
|
in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
|
|
-- Instrument News
|
|
[Once is too often. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Too ripped. Gotta go.
|
|
%
|
|
Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
|
|
%
|
|
Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
|
|
|
|
10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
|
|
9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
|
|
8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
|
|
#pragma is for.
|
|
7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
|
|
hard to write.
|
|
6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
|
|
5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
|
|
4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
|
|
3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
|
|
2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
|
|
1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
|
|
%
|
|
Topologists are just plane folks.
|
|
Pilots are just plane folks.
|
|
Carpenters are just plane folks.
|
|
Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
|
|
Musicians are just playin' folks.
|
|
Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
|
|
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
|
|
%
|
|
Torque is cheap.
|
|
%
|
|
Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
|
|
%
|
|
TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
|
|
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
|
|
%
|
|
Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
|
|
-- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
|
|
%
|
|
Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
|
|
get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
|
|
personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
|
|
-- A. Gide
|
|
%
|
|
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
|
|
-- David Letterman
|
|
%
|
|
TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
|
|
%
|
|
TRANSFER:
|
|
A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
|
|
%
|
|
TRANSPARENT:
|
|
Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
|
|
"It's there, but you can't see it"
|
|
-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
|
|
|
|
VIRTUAL:
|
|
Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
|
|
"I can see it, but it's not there."
|
|
-- Lady Macbeth.
|
|
%
|
|
TRANSVESTITE:
|
|
Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
|
|
%
|
|
Trap full -- please empty.
|
|
%
|
|
TRAVEL:
|
|
Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
|
|
%
|
|
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
|
|
%
|
|
Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
|
|
-- Han Solo
|
|
%
|
|
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
|
|
"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
|
|
"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
|
|
to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
|
|
by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
|
|
for a short spell?"
|
|
%
|
|
Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
|
|
-- Publilius Syrus
|
|
%
|
|
Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
|
|
-- Charles DeGaulle
|
|
%
|
|
Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
|
|
-- Michelangelo
|
|
%
|
|
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
|
|
%
|
|
Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
|
|
%
|
|
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
|
|
next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
|
|
a brand new series of three.
|
|
%
|
|
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are
|
|
beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
|
|
%
|
|
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
|
|
%
|
|
True happiness will be found only in true love.
|
|
%
|
|
True leadership is the art of changing
|
|
a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
|
|
-- Virginia Allan
|
|
%
|
|
True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
|
|
personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
|
|
-- David Mamet
|
|
%
|
|
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
|
|
-- Henrik Tikkanen
|
|
%
|
|
Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
|
|
-- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
|
|
%
|
|
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
|
|
-- Arabian proverb
|
|
%
|
|
TRUST ME:
|
|
Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
|
|
%
|
|
TRUST ME:
|
|
Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
|
|
%
|
|
Trust your husband, adore your husband,
|
|
and get as much as you can in your own name.
|
|
-- Joan Rivers
|
|
%
|
|
Truth can wait; he's used to it.
|
|
%
|
|
Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
|
|
-- Albert Schweitzer
|
|
%
|
|
Truth is free, but information costs.
|
|
%
|
|
Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
|
|
%
|
|
"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
|
|
%
|
|
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
|
|
of him that brought her birth.
|
|
-- Milton
|
|
%
|
|
Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
|
|
%
|
|
TRUTHFUL:
|
|
Dumb and illiterate.
|
|
%
|
|
try again
|
|
%
|
|
Try not to have a good time ...
|
|
This is supposed to be educational.
|
|
-- Charles Schulz
|
|
%
|
|
Try not.
|
|
Do.
|
|
Or do not.
|
|
There is no try.
|
|
%
|
|
Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
|
|
%
|
|
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
|
|
%
|
|
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
|
|
%
|
|
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
|
|
%
|
|
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
|
|
it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
|
|
tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
|
|
novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
|
|
the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
|
|
-- Amrom Katz
|
|
%
|
|
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
|
|
%
|
|
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
|
|
%
|
|
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
|
|
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
|
|
%
|
|
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
|
|
%
|
|
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
|
|
which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
|
|
%
|
|
Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
|
|
-- Alan Watts
|
|
%
|
|
Trying to get an education here is like
|
|
trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
|
|
%
|
|
T-shirt:
|
|
Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
|
|
%
|
|
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
|
|
%
|
|
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
|
|
%
|
|
Turn on, tune in, and take over.
|
|
-- Tim Leary
|
|
%
|
|
Turn the other cheek.
|
|
-- Jesus Christ
|
|
%
|
|
Turnaucka's Law:
|
|
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
|
|
electrical cord.
|
|
%
|
|
Tussman's Law:
|
|
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
|
|
%
|
|
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
|
|
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
|
|
%
|
|
'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
|
|
and I never even had the decency to thank her.
|
|
-- R.B. Gossling
|
|
%
|
|
"Twas bergen and the eirie road
|
|
Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
|
|
All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
|
|
And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
|
|
Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
|
|
He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
|
|
Long time the folsom foe he sought
|
|
Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
|
|
And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
|
|
Came whippany through the englewood,
|
|
One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
|
|
and through
|
|
The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
|
|
He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
|
|
He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
|
|
He caldwell in his joy.
|
|
Did mahwah into patterson:
|
|
All jersey were the ocean groves,
|
|
And the red bank bayonne.
|
|
-- Paul Kieffer
|
|
%
|
|
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood
|
|
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
|
|
All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
|
|
And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came!
|
|
|
|
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two!
|
|
The jaws that bite, and through and through
|
|
the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.
|
|
Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head,
|
|
And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back.
|
|
|
|
He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
|
|
Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
|
|
So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
|
|
And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy.
|
|
|
|
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
|
|
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
|
|
All mimsy were the borogroves
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
|
|
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
|
|
All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
|
|
And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
|
|
Beware the Jubjub bird,
|
|
He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
|
|
Long time the manxome foe he sought.
|
|
So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
|
|
And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
|
|
Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
|
|
One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
|
|
through
|
|
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
|
|
He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
|
|
And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
|
|
He chortled in his joy.
|
|
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
|
|
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
|
|
All mimsy were the borogroves
|
|
And the mome raths outgrabe.
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
|
|
%
|
|
'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
|
|
Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
|
|
All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
|
|
By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
|
|
Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
|
|
He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
|
|
Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
|
|
Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
|
|
And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
|
|
Came waffling with the truth too good,
|
|
Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
|
|
and through
|
|
The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
|
|
It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
|
|
He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
|
|
He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
|
|
'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
|
|
Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
|
|
All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
|
|
And mammon's wrath them bash!
|
|
-- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
|
|
%
|
|
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
|
|
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
|
|
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
|
|
And Cory raths outgrave.
|
|
|
|
"Beware the software rot, my son!
|
|
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
|
|
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
|
|
The frumious system crash!"
|
|
%
|
|
'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
|
|
Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
|
|
So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
|
|
To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
|
|
|
|
The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
|
|
Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
|
|
Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
|
|
On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
|
|
|
|
She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
|
|
Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
|
|
As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
|
|
And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
|
|
-- Midnight On The Ocean
|
|
%
|
|
'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
|
|
When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
|
|
Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
|
|
A satellite spotted him making his way.
|
|
The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
|
|
Was ready for action, and started to fire!
|
|
The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
|
|
Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
|
|
I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
|
|
When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
|
|
I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
|
|
St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
|
|
But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
|
|
A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
|
|
Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
|
|
Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
|
|
So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
|
|
The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
|
|
Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
|
|
'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
|
|
It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
|
|
If the crazy contraption would work very well.
|
|
So after a trillion or two had been spent
|
|
The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
|
|
So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
|
|
There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
|
|
%
|
|
Twenty two thousand days.
|
|
Twenty two thousand days.
|
|
It's not a lot.
|
|
It's all you've got.
|
|
Twenty two thousand days.
|
|
-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
|
|
%
|
|
Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
|
|
in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
|
|
was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
|
|
fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
|
|
Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
|
|
"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
|
|
"Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
|
|
Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
|
|
collision course with that ship.
|
|
The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
|
|
a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
|
|
Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
|
|
In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
|
|
degrees!"
|
|
"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
|
|
course 20 degrees."
|
|
By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
|
|
battleship, change course 20 degrees."
|
|
Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
|
|
We changed course.
|
|
-- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
|
|
%
|
|
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
|
|
-- Howard Kandel
|
|
%
|
|
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
|
|
%
|
|
Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
|
|
penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
|
|
"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
|
|
owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
|
|
up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
|
|
away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
|
|
the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
|
|
the movies!"
|
|
%
|
|
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
|
|
barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
|
|
"One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
|
|
knows when to stop."
|
|
%
|
|
Two heads are better than one.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
Two heads are more numerous than one.
|
|
%
|
|
Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
|
|
performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
|
|
British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
|
|
Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
|
|
her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
|
|
a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
|
|
entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
|
|
and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
|
|
search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
|
|
incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
|
|
became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
|
|
%
|
|
Two is company, three is an orgy.
|
|
%
|
|
Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
|
|
%
|
|
Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
|
|
canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
|
|
call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
|
|
end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
|
|
So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
|
|
are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
|
|
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
|
|
You're lost!"
|
|
The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
|
|
Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
|
|
"For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
|
|
he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
|
|
%
|
|
Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
|
|
"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
|
|
"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
|
|
trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
|
|
his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
|
|
the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
|
|
and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
|
|
did it and must pay three silver pieces."
|
|
%
|
|
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
|
|
%
|
|
Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
|
|
with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
|
|
toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
|
|
"Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
|
|
at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
|
|
dry side.
|
|
"So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
|
|
"What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
|
|
%
|
|
Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
|
|
%
|
|
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
|
|
%
|
|
Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
|
|
%
|
|
Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
|
|
the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
|
|
"No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
|
|
%
|
|
Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
|
|
I forget the second.
|
|
%
|
|
Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
|
|
orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
|
|
and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
|
|
they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
|
|
toasts him, "Skoal!"
|
|
The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
|
|
here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
|
|
%
|
|
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
|
|
-- Kohn
|
|
%
|
|
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
|
|
-- Thomas Szasz
|
|
%
|
|
Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
|
|
In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
|
|
What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
|
|
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
|
|
|
|
Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
|
|
The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
|
|
On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
|
|
What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
|
|
|
|
And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
|
|
Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
|
|
And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
|
|
What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
|
|
|
|
Could fetch it from the furnace deep
|
|
And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
|
|
In the well of sanguine woe?
|
|
In what clay & in what mould
|
|
Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
|
|
-- William Blake, "The Tyger"
|
|
%
|
|
Type louder, please.
|
|
%
|
|
U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
|
|
Run right up and rub its horn.
|
|
Look at all those points you're losing!
|
|
UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
|
|
-- The Roguelet's ABC
|
|
%
|
|
Udall's Fourth Law:
|
|
Any change or reform you make
|
|
is going to have consequences you don't like.
|
|
%
|
|
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
|
|
%
|
|
Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
|
|
straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
|
|
Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
|
|
-- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
|
|
%
|
|
Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
|
|
Sorry for the confusion.
|
|
-- Sun Microsystems
|
|
%
|
|
Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
|
|
woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
|
|
leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
|
|
coughing and drops dead.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
|
|
%
|
|
Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?
|
|
It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
|
|
%
|
|
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
|
|
Never use your thumb for a rule.
|
|
You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
|
|
%
|
|
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
|
|
ordinance under which you can be booked.
|
|
-- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
|
|
%
|
|
Under capitalism, man exploits man.
|
|
Under communism, it's just the opposite.
|
|
-- J.K. Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
Under deadline pressure for the next week.
|
|
If you want something, it can wait.
|
|
Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
|
|
%
|
|
Under every stone lurks a politician.
|
|
-- Aristophanes
|
|
%
|
|
Under the wide an starry sky,
|
|
Dig my grave and let me lie,
|
|
Glad did I live and gladly die,
|
|
And laid me down with a will,
|
|
And this be the verse that you grave for me,
|
|
Here he lies where he longed to be,
|
|
Home is the sailor home from the sea,
|
|
And the hunter home from the hill.
|
|
-- R. Kipling
|
|
%
|
|
Under the wide and heavy VAX
|
|
Dig my grave and let me relax
|
|
Long have I lived, and many my hacks
|
|
And I lay me down with a will.
|
|
These be the words that tell the way:
|
|
"Here he lies who piped 64K,
|
|
Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
|
|
And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
|
|
%
|
|
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
|
|
Superiority is recessive.
|
|
%
|
|
understand, v:
|
|
To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
|
|
you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
|
|
basis of your own internal model instead.
|
|
%
|
|
Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
|
|
in relation to a bigger problem.
|
|
-- P.D. Ouspensky
|
|
%
|
|
Unfair animal names:
|
|
|
|
-- tsetse fly -- bullhead
|
|
-- booby -- duck-billed platypus
|
|
-- sapsucker -- Clarence
|
|
-- Gary Larson
|
|
%
|
|
UNFAIR COMPETITION:
|
|
Selling cheaper than we do.
|
|
%
|
|
Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
|
|
friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
|
|
throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
|
|
slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
|
|
-- Jon Bentley
|
|
%
|
|
Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht
|
|
%
|
|
UNION:
|
|
A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
|
|
%
|
|
United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
|
|
season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
|
|
forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
|
|
every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
|
|
low over the world.
|
|
-- Isaac Asimov
|
|
%
|
|
UNIVERSE:
|
|
The problem.
|
|
%
|
|
universe, n:
|
|
The problem.
|
|
%
|
|
Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
|
|
in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
|
|
%
|
|
UNIVERSITY:
|
|
Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
|
|
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
|
|
you how to fix it, and...
|
|
|
|
[Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
|
|
the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
|
|
-- Henry Kissinger
|
|
%
|
|
UNIX enhancements aren't.
|
|
%
|
|
Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
|
|
of more feet, just to be sure.
|
|
-- Eric Allman
|
|
|
|
... We make rope.
|
|
-- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory.
|
|
%
|
|
Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
|
|
hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
|
|
but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
|
|
People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
|
|
world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
|
|
-- E. Post
|
|
"Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
|
|
%
|
|
Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
|
|
-- Donn Seeley
|
|
%
|
|
UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
|
|
lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
|
|
-- Michael Jay Tucker
|
|
%
|
|
UNIX is many things to many people,
|
|
but it's never been everything to anybody.
|
|
%
|
|
Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
|
|
-- Berry Kercheval
|
|
%
|
|
Unix, n:
|
|
A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
|
|
impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
|
|
with the workstation harem.
|
|
%
|
|
unix soit qui mal y pense
|
|
%
|
|
UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
|
|
would also stop you from doing clever things.
|
|
-- Doug Gwyn
|
|
%
|
|
Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
|
|
%
|
|
Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
|
|
between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
|
|
and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
|
|
-- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
|
|
%
|
|
Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
|
|
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
|
|
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
|
|
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
|
|
time waste me.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare
|
|
%
|
|
Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
|
|
-- E.E. Cummings
|
|
%
|
|
Unnamed Law:
|
|
If it happens, it must be possible.
|
|
%
|
|
Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
|
|
unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
|
|
-- Edward Gibbon
|
|
%
|
|
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
|
|
pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken
|
|
%
|
|
Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
|
|
-- Richard Amour
|
|
%
|
|
UNTOLD WEALTH:
|
|
What you left out on April 15th.
|
|
%
|
|
Up against the net, redneck mother,
|
|
Mother who has raised your son so well;
|
|
He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
|
|
Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
|
|
%
|
|
Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
|
|
or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
|
|
noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
|
|
-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
|
|
%
|
|
Use a pun, go to jail.
|
|
%
|
|
Use an accordion. Go to jail.
|
|
-- KFOG, San Francisco
|
|
%
|
|
Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
|
|
if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
|
|
-- Henry Van Dyke
|
|
%
|
|
USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
|
|
more labor and less oratory.
|
|
-- Elizabeth Haley
|
|
%
|
|
USER:
|
|
A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
|
|
%
|
|
User hostile.
|
|
%
|
|
user, n:
|
|
The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
|
|
|
|
[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
|
|
when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
|
|
-- S.C. Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
|
|
-- Tom Robbins
|
|
%
|
|
/usr/news/gotcha
|
|
%
|
|
Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
|
|
-- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
|
|
%
|
|
VACATION:
|
|
A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
|
|
it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
|
|
life-style to recuperate.
|
|
%
|
|
Van Roy's Law:
|
|
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
|
|
%
|
|
Van Roy's Law:
|
|
Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
|
|
|
|
Van Roy's Truism:
|
|
Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
|
|
%
|
|
Variables don't; constants aren't.
|
|
%
|
|
Vax Vobiscum
|
|
%
|
|
Vegetables are what food eats.
|
|
Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
|
|
Fish are fast moving vegetables.
|
|
Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
|
|
-- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
|
|
%
|
|
Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
|
|
%
|
|
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
|
|
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
|
|
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
|
|
%
|
|
Veni, Vidi, VISA:
|
|
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
|
|
%
|
|
Verba volant, scripta manent!
|
|
%
|
|
Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
|
|
-- E.F. Benson
|
|
%
|
|
Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
|
|
reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
|
|
thirty-five.
|
|
-- Joel Hildebrand
|
|
%
|
|
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
|
|
%
|
|
Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
|
|
infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
|
|
could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
|
|
somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
|
|
ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
|
|
quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
|
|
lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
|
|
outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
|
|
little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
|
|
for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
|
|
screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
|
|
is presumably working on it.
|
|
%
|
|
Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
|
|
at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
|
|
-- Herodotus
|
|
%
|
|
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
|
|
%
|
|
VI:
|
|
A hungry dog hunts best.
|
|
A hungrier dog hunts even better.
|
|
VII:
|
|
Decreased business base increases overhead.
|
|
So does increased business base.
|
|
VIII:
|
|
The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
|
|
is fifth grade arithmetic.
|
|
IX:
|
|
Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
|
|
possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
|
|
X:
|
|
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
|
|
People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
Victory uber allies!
|
|
%
|
|
Viking, n:
|
|
1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
|
|
entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
|
|
business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
|
|
2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
|
|
in the 9th century.
|
|
|
|
Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
|
|
only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
|
|
property.
|
|
%
|
|
Vini, vidi, vici.
|
|
[I came, I saw, I conquered].
|
|
-- Gaius Julius Caesar
|
|
%
|
|
"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
|
|
violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
|
|
ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
|
|
issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
|
|
%
|
|
Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
|
|
%
|
|
Violence is molding.
|
|
%
|
|
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
|
|
-- Salvador Hardin
|
|
%
|
|
Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
|
|
there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
|
|
frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
|
|
weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
|
|
impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
|
|
shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
|
|
-- Tom Robbins
|
|
%
|
|
VIRGINIA:
|
|
A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
|
|
baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
|
|
%
|
|
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
|
|
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
|
|
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
|
|
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
|
|
%
|
|
VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
|
|
Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
|
|
to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
|
|
morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
|
|
wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
|
|
that old underwear you own.
|
|
%
|
|
Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
|
|
only the willingness to make it when necessary.
|
|
-- Frederick Dunn
|
|
%
|
|
Virtue is its own punishment.
|
|
-- Denniston
|
|
|
|
Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
|
|
-- Aneurin Bevan
|
|
%
|
|
Virtue is not left to stand alone.
|
|
He who practices it will have neighbors.
|
|
-- Confucius
|
|
%
|
|
Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
|
|
-- La Rochefoucauld
|
|
%
|
|
Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
|
|
%
|
|
Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
|
|
%
|
|
Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
|
|
-- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
|
|
%
|
|
VMS, n:
|
|
The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
|
|
%
|
|
VMS version 2.0 ==>
|
|
%
|
|
Voicless it cries,
|
|
Wingless flutters,
|
|
Toothless bites,
|
|
Mouthless mutters.
|
|
%
|
|
VOLCANO:
|
|
A mountain with hiccups.
|
|
%
|
|
Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
|
|
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
|
|
And to him who's scientific
|
|
There is nothing that's terrific
|
|
In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
|
|
-- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
|
|
%
|
|
Volley Theory:
|
|
It is better to have lobbed and lost
|
|
than never to have lobbed at all.
|
|
%
|
|
Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
|
|
supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
|
|
the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
|
|
how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
|
|
information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
|
|
Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
|
|
%
|
|
Vote anarchist.
|
|
%
|
|
Vote early and vote often.
|
|
-- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
|
|
campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
|
|
%
|
|
VUJA DE:
|
|
The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
|
|
%
|
|
Wad some power the giftie gie us
|
|
To see oursels as others see us.
|
|
-- R. Browning
|
|
%
|
|
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
|
|
-- Pericles
|
|
%
|
|
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
|
|
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
|
|
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
|
|
(Waiter exits, returns)
|
|
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
|
|
%
|
|
Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
|
|
Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
|
|
Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
|
|
Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
|
|
|
|
Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
|
|
Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
|
|
Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
|
|
Make our country well again, respected by the world.
|
|
|
|
Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
|
|
Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
|
|
Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
|
|
Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
|
|
-- Pansy Myers Schroeder
|
|
%
|
|
Wake up and smell the coffee.
|
|
-- Ann Landers
|
|
%
|
|
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
|
|
a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
|
|
%
|
|
Walk softly and carry a big stick.
|
|
-- Theodore Roosevelt
|
|
%
|
|
Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
|
|
-- Jack Kerouac
|
|
%
|
|
Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
|
|
Garp: Gradual school?
|
|
Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
|
|
gradual school.
|
|
Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
|
|
find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
|
|
-- The World According To Garp
|
|
%
|
|
Walters' Rule:
|
|
All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
|
|
the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
|
|
on a plane that left Gate 1.
|
|
%
|
|
Wanna buy a duck?
|
|
%
|
|
Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
|
|
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
|
|
But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
|
|
When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
|
|
black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
|
|
|
|
Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
|
|
The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
|
|
They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
|
|
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
|
|
swimmin' pools; movie stars.
|
|
%
|
|
War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
|
|
%
|
|
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
|
|
-- Charles Edward Montague
|
|
%
|
|
War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
|
|
%
|
|
War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
|
|
-- Desiderius Erasmus
|
|
%
|
|
War is like love, it always finds a way.
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
|
|
%
|
|
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
|
|
-- Clemenceau
|
|
%
|
|
War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
|
|
-- Anacreon
|
|
%
|
|
WARNING:
|
|
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
|
|
mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
|
|
of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
|
|
of your favorite war.
|
|
%
|
|
WARNING!
|
|
This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
|
|
A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
|
|
user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
|
|
to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
|
|
to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
|
|
aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
|
|
entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
|
|
it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
|
|
things to the terminal.
|
|
%
|
|
Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
|
|
Survivors will be shot again.
|
|
%
|
|
WARNING!!!
|
|
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
|
|
|
|
A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
|
|
operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
|
|
machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
|
|
to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
|
|
only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
|
|
may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
|
|
and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
|
|
|
|
See also: flog(1), tm(1)
|
|
%
|
|
Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
|
|
In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
|
|
There was a time they could cry over books,
|
|
But time has set its maggot on their track.
|
|
Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
|
|
What's never known is safest in this life.
|
|
Under the skysigns they who have no arms
|
|
Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
|
|
Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
|
|
-- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
|
|
%
|
|
Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810.
|
|
%
|
|
Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
|
|
%
|
|
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
|
|
-- John F. Kennedy
|
|
%
|
|
[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
|
|
the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
|
|
-- Ada Louise Huxtable
|
|
%
|
|
Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
|
|
knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
|
|
%
|
|
Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
|
|
-- Euripides
|
|
%
|
|
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
|
|
%
|
|
Wasting time is an important part of living.
|
|
%
|
|
Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
|
|
%
|
|
Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
|
|
-- Han Solo
|
|
%
|
|
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Watership Down:
|
|
You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
|
|
%
|
|
Watson's Law:
|
|
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
|
|
number and significance of any persons watching it.
|
|
%
|
|
WE:
|
|
The single most important word in the world.
|
|
%
|
|
We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
|
|
when it's necessary to compromise.
|
|
-- Larry Wall
|
|
%
|
|
We all declare for liberty, but in using the
|
|
same word we do not all mean the same thing.
|
|
-- A. Lincoln
|
|
%
|
|
We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
|
|
%
|
|
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
|
|
%
|
|
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
|
|
%
|
|
We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
|
|
-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
|
|
%
|
|
We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
|
|
-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
|
|
%
|
|
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
|
|
whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
|
|
is that it is not crazy enough.
|
|
-- Niels Bohr
|
|
%
|
|
We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
|
|
before we are fit to participate in society.
|
|
-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
|
|
Correct Behaviour"
|
|
%
|
|
We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
|
|
%
|
|
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
|
|
-- Samuel Beckett
|
|
%
|
|
We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
|
|
%
|
|
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
|
|
-- A. Schweitzer
|
|
%
|
|
We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
|
|
-- Winston Churchill
|
|
%
|
|
We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
|
|
-- Ray Bradbury
|
|
%
|
|
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
|
|
-- Whole Earth Catalog
|
|
%
|
|
We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities.
|
|
-- Pogo
|
|
%
|
|
We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
|
|
-- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
|
|
%
|
|
We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
|
|
own facts.
|
|
-- Patrick Moynihan
|
|
%
|
|
We are each only one drop in a great
|
|
ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
|
|
%
|
|
We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
|
|
%
|
|
We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
|
|
dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
|
|
-- J.Hoover
|
|
%
|
|
We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
|
|
socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
|
|
thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
|
|
-- Fidel Castro
|
|
%
|
|
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
|
|
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
|
|
%
|
|
We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
|
|
Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
|
|
%
|
|
We are not a clone.
|
|
%
|
|
We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
|
|
-- John Fisher
|
|
%
|
|
We are not alone.
|
|
%
|
|
We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
|
|
rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
|
|
-- Victor Hugo
|
|
%
|
|
We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
|
|
develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
|
|
Manual.
|
|
-- Andrew Hume
|
|
%
|
|
We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
|
|
%
|
|
We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
|
|
-- Jonathon Swift
|
|
%
|
|
We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
|
|
the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
|
|
|
|
This is a recording.
|
|
%
|
|
We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
|
|
share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
|
|
our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
|
|
leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
|
|
the substance that cast them.
|
|
%
|
|
We are the people our parents warned us about.
|
|
%
|
|
We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
|
|
to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
|
|
-- GI in Vietnam, 1970
|
|
%
|
|
We are what we are.
|
|
%
|
|
We are what we pretend to be.
|
|
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
|
|
%
|
|
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
|
|
%
|
|
We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
|
|
-- Yates
|
|
%
|
|
We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
|
|
technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
|
|
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
|
|
%
|
|
We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
|
|
-- Sir Francis Bacon
|
|
%
|
|
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
|
|
-- Calvin Coolidge
|
|
%
|
|
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
|
|
feet and go skating.
|
|
-- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
|
|
%
|
|
We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
|
|
take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
|
|
forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
|
|
into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
|
|
beautiful Universe, Our home.
|
|
-- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
|
|
%
|
|
We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
|
|
-- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
|
|
%
|
|
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
|
|
%
|
|
We don't care how they do it in New York.
|
|
%
|
|
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
|
|
-- James Watt, noted theologian
|
|
%
|
|
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
|
|
%
|
|
We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
|
|
%
|
|
We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
|
|
that it wasn't a fish.
|
|
-- Marshall McLuhan
|
|
%
|
|
We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
|
|
-- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
|
|
%
|
|
We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
|
|
-- Pink Floyd
|
|
%
|
|
We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
|
|
We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
|
|
No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
|
|
Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
|
|
Chorus: (Chorus)
|
|
Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
|
|
|
|
We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
|
|
We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
|
|
No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
|
|
Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
|
|
(Chorus) (Chorus)
|
|
-- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
|
|
%
|
|
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
|
|
%
|
|
We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
|
|
-- Walter Summers
|
|
%
|
|
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
|
|
understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
|
|
%
|
|
We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
|
|
Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
|
|
visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
|
|
hammer.
|
|
-- Charles Darwin
|
|
%
|
|
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
|
|
-- La Rochefoucauld
|
|
%
|
|
We gotta get out of this place,
|
|
If it's the last thing we ever do.
|
|
-- The Animals
|
|
%
|
|
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
|
|
%
|
|
We have art that we do not die of the truth.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
|
|
%
|
|
We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
|
|
levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
|
|
almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
|
|
men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
|
|
Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
|
|
is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
|
|
creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
|
|
redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
|
|
-- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
|
|
%
|
|
We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
|
|
-- Carl Sagan
|
|
%
|
|
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
|
|
-- Walt Kelly
|
|
%
|
|
We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
|
|
than from the machinations of the wicked.
|
|
%
|
|
We have no scorched earth policy.
|
|
We have a policy of scorched Communists.
|
|
-- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
|
|
%
|
|
We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
|
|
our children.
|
|
%
|
|
We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
|
|
-- Margaret Mead
|
|
%
|
|
We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
|
|
-- John Berryman
|
|
%
|
|
We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
|
|
%
|
|
We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official
|
|
name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You
|
|
may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another
|
|
setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION".
|
|
Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a)
|
|
your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
|
|
process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
|
|
of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your
|
|
mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that
|
|
would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the
|
|
police would find you.
|
|
You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
|
|
%
|
|
"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
|
|
star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
|
|
|
|
[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
|
|
were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
|
|
character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
|
|
after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
|
|
acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
|
|
letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
|
|
looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
|
|
that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
|
|
should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
|
|
source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
|
|
instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
|
|
publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
|
|
to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
|
|
was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
|
|
temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
|
|
-- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
|
|
%
|
|
We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
|
|
-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
|
|
%
|
|
We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
|
|
to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
|
|
Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
|
|
to crave knowledge.
|
|
-- George Will
|
|
%
|
|
We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
|
|
of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
|
|
the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
|
|
know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
|
|
which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
|
|
about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
|
|
his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
|
|
hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
|
|
pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
|
|
by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
|
|
feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
|
|
-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
|
|
%
|
|
We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
|
|
-- Eric Hoffer
|
|
%
|
|
We love our little Johnny
|
|
He's the best little boy in all the world
|
|
And we wouldn't trade him for anything
|
|
That's how much we love him.
|
|
No, we couldn't live without him
|
|
So that's why, since he died,
|
|
We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
|
|
He's so good, so well-behaved,
|
|
Even better than before;
|
|
Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
|
|
Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
|
|
Never miss our little Johnny,
|
|
He'll never grow up and leave us
|
|
That's why we love him like we do.
|
|
-- Mr. Mincemeat
|
|
%
|
|
"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
|
|
free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
|
|
show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
|
|
our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
|
|
-- Cameron Hawley
|
|
%
|
|
We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
|
|
than malnutrition.
|
|
-- Alex Comfort
|
|
%
|
|
We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
|
|
intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
|
|
think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
|
|
best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
|
|
the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
|
|
and speak English.
|
|
-- Alan M. Turing
|
|
%
|
|
We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
|
|
their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
|
|
their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
|
|
Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
|
|
nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
|
|
themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
|
|
proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
|
|
we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
|
|
Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
|
|
internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
|
|
of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
|
|
accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
|
|
earth.
|
|
-- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
|
|
%
|
|
We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
|
|
popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
|
|
under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
|
|
of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
|
|
filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
|
|
-- Nolo News, summer 1989
|
|
%
|
|
We may not return the affection of those who like us,
|
|
but we always respect their good judgement.
|
|
%
|
|
...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
|
|
by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
|
|
I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
|
|
brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
|
|
an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
|
|
functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
|
|
uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
|
|
of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
|
|
-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
|
|
%
|
|
We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
|
|
of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
|
|
-- Saul Alinsky
|
|
%
|
|
We must die because we have known them.
|
|
-- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
|
|
%
|
|
We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
|
|
condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
|
|
the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
|
|
chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
|
|
for chess.
|
|
-- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
|
|
(of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
|
|
of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
|
|
"Stalin," published London, 1939
|
|
%
|
|
...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
|
|
we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
|
|
in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
|
|
the past.
|
|
-- Joseph Wood Krutch
|
|
%
|
|
We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
|
|
the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
|
|
is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
|
|
-- Walter Lippmann
|
|
%
|
|
We must remember the First Amendment which
|
|
protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
|
|
-- F.G. Withington
|
|
%
|
|
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
|
|
the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
|
|
children smart.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
|
|
%
|
|
We only acknowledge small faults in order
|
|
to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
|
|
-- LaRouchefoucauld
|
|
%
|
|
We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
|
|
originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
|
|
forgotten its source.
|
|
-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
|
|
%
|
|
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
|
|
rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
|
|
%
|
|
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
|
|
%
|
|
We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
|
|
content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
|
|
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
|
|
%
|
|
We read to say that we have read.
|
|
%
|
|
We really don't have any enemies.
|
|
It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
|
|
%
|
|
We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
|
|
-- Thucydides
|
|
%
|
|
We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
|
|
-- Jean de la Bruyere
|
|
%
|
|
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
|
|
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
|
|
stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
|
|
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
|
|
born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
|
|
out and shot.
|
|
-- Strange de Jim
|
|
%
|
|
We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
|
|
taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
|
|
themselves.
|
|
-- John Locke
|
|
%
|
|
We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
|
|
Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
|
|
-- Dennis Miller
|
|
%
|
|
We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
|
|
-- S.I. Hayakawa
|
|
%
|
|
We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
|
|
remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
|
|
the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
|
|
the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
|
|
states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
|
|
These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
|
|
want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
|
|
they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
|
|
who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
|
|
-- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
|
|
%
|
|
We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
|
|
We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
|
|
that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
|
|
%
|
|
We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
|
|
ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
|
|
preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
|
|
and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
|
|
of America.
|
|
%
|
|
We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
|
|
size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
|
|
fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
|
|
are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
|
|
|
|
EUPHEMISM REALITY
|
|
------------------- -------------------------
|
|
Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
|
|
Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
|
|
Moody Manic-depressive
|
|
Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
|
|
Poet Boring manic-depressive
|
|
Sultry/Sensual Easy
|
|
Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
|
|
Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
|
|
Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
|
|
Very human Quasimodo's best friend
|
|
Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
|
|
Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
|
|
Flexible Desperate
|
|
Aging child Self-centered adult
|
|
Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
|
|
Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
|
|
%
|
|
We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
|
|
size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
|
|
fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
|
|
are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
|
|
|
|
EUPHEMISM REALITY
|
|
------------------- -------------------------
|
|
Independent thinker Crazy
|
|
High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
|
|
Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
|
|
Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
|
|
Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
|
|
Cuddly Overweight
|
|
Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
|
|
Big and beautiful Really Fat
|
|
Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
|
|
Svelte/Slender Anorexic
|
|
Dynamic Pushy
|
|
Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
|
|
Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
|
|
Demanding Will make your life a living hell
|
|
Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
|
|
%
|
|
We totally deny the allegations, and
|
|
we're trying to identify the allegators.
|
|
%
|
|
We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
|
|
There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
|
|
borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
|
|
-- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
|
|
%
|
|
[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
|
|
-- R.W. Hamming
|
|
%
|
|
We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
|
|
depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
|
|
-- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
|
|
%
|
|
We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
|
|
[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
|
|
behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
|
|
but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
|
|
next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
|
|
a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
|
|
The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
|
|
to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
|
|
-- Satchel Paige
|
|
%
|
|
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
|
|
were married for four and a half years.
|
|
-- Nick Faldo
|
|
%
|
|
We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
|
|
%
|
|
We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
|
|
If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
|
|
-- Crazy Jimmy
|
|
%
|
|
We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
|
|
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
|
|
French restaurant. [...]
|
|
I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
|
|
white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
|
|
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
|
|
bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
|
|
rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
|
|
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
|
|
"Stop the car," the girl said.
|
|
There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
|
|
woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
|
|
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
|
|
"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
|
|
belle's for thee."
|
|
The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
|
|
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
|
|
onto my granola and faced a new day.
|
|
-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
|
|
Competition
|
|
%
|
|
We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
|
|
tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
|
|
extinction.
|
|
-- S.J. Gould
|
|
%
|
|
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
|
|
one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
|
|
%
|
|
we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
|
|
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
|
|
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
|
|
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
|
|
in the end a summer with wild winds &
|
|
new friends will be.
|
|
%
|
|
We wish you a Hare Krishna
|
|
We wish you a Hare Krishna
|
|
We wish you a Hare Krishna
|
|
And a Sun Myung Moon!
|
|
-- Maxwell Smart
|
|
%
|
|
WEAPON:
|
|
An index of the lack of development of a culture.
|
|
%
|
|
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
Wedding, n:
|
|
A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
|
|
undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
|
|
supportable.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
|
|
%
|
|
Weed's Axiom:
|
|
Never ask two questions in a business letter.
|
|
The reply will discuss the one in which you are
|
|
least interested and say nothing about the other.
|
|
%
|
|
Weekend, where are you?
|
|
%
|
|
Weiler's Law:
|
|
Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work.
|
|
%
|
|
Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
|
|
rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
|
|
was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
|
|
question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
|
|
|
|
Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
|
|
-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
|
|
%
|
|
Weinberg's First Law:
|
|
Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
|
|
%
|
|
Weinberg's Principle:
|
|
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
|
|
on to the grand fallacy.
|
|
%
|
|
Weinberg's Second Law:
|
|
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
|
|
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
|
|
%
|
|
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
|
|
There are no answers, only cross references.
|
|
%
|
|
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
|
|
He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
|
|
-- Dean McLaughlin.
|
|
%
|
|
Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
|
|
|
|
D G G O
|
|
|
|
O Y A N
|
|
|
|
A D B T
|
|
|
|
K I S P
|
|
Enter words:
|
|
>
|
|
%
|
|
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
|
|
The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
|
|
-- Garrison Keillor
|
|
%
|
|
Welcome to the Zoo!
|
|
%
|
|
Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
|
|
use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
|
|
demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
|
|
sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
|
|
can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
|
|
the reader! For example, the sentence
|
|
|
|
Jane went to the store to buy bread
|
|
|
|
should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
|
|
sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
|
|
cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
|
|
Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
|
|
of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
|
|
my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
|
|
Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
|
|
standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
|
|
%
|
|
Welcome to Utah.
|
|
If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
|
|
%
|
|
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
|
|
that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
|
|
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
|
|
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
|
|
women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
|
|
*thousands* of words to say it.
|
|
Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
|
|
Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
|
|
Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
|
|
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
|
|
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
|
|
major world power.
|
|
I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
|
|
the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
|
|
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
|
|
Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
|
|
|
|
* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
|
|
nature and will kill you.
|
|
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
|
|
night. Live, on the Death label.
|
|
-- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
|
|
%
|
|
Well begun is half done.
|
|
-- Aristotle
|
|
%
|
|
We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
|
|
%
|
|
Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
|
|
%
|
|
Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
|
|
-- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
|
|
Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
|
|
Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
|
|
at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
|
|
per hour, December 7, 1941.
|
|
%
|
|
Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
|
|
Might as well have put it down the drain.
|
|
Fancy giving money to the Government!
|
|
Nobody will see the stuff again.
|
|
Well, they've no idea what money's for --
|
|
Ten to one they'll start another war.
|
|
I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
|
|
Fancy giving money to the Government!
|
|
-- A.P. Herbert
|
|
%
|
|
We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
|
|
%
|
|
Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
|
|
to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
|
|
-- Laurie Anderson
|
|
%
|
|
Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot
|
|
of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or
|
|
mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be
|
|
reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984
|
|
Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months
|
|
going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable,
|
|
such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the
|
|
Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public
|
|
is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who
|
|
ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he
|
|
can get through the entire show without answering a single question.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
|
|
The headline screamed that I was still alive,
|
|
I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
|
|
I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
|
|
In a little cantina that the boys had found,
|
|
I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
|
|
When along came a senorita,
|
|
She looked so good that I had to meet her,
|
|
I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
|
|
When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
|
|
And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
|
|
Grow some funk of your own.
|
|
We no like to with the gringo fight,
|
|
But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
|
|
...
|
|
Take my advice, take the next flight,
|
|
And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
|
|
-- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
|
|
%
|
|
Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
|
|
back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
|
|
or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
|
|
they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
|
|
-- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
|
|
%
|
|
Well, if you can't believe what you read
|
|
in a comic book, what *can* you believe?
|
|
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
|
|
%
|
|
Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
|
|
-- James Thurber
|
|
%
|
|
Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
|
|
rights.
|
|
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
|
|
%
|
|
Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
|
|
%
|
|
We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
|
|
%
|
|
WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
|
|
By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
|
|
assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
|
|
%
|
|
Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
|
|
And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
|
|
Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
|
|
Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
|
|
But the meanest thing that he ever did,
|
|
Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
|
|
...
|
|
But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
|
|
I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
|
|
And kill the man that give me that awful name.
|
|
It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
|
|
I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
|
|
Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
|
|
At an old saloon on a street of mud,
|
|
Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
|
|
Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
|
|
...
|
|
Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
|
|
From a worn-out picture that my Mother had,
|
|
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
|
|
-- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
|
|
%
|
|
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
|
|
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
|
|
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
|
|
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
|
|
|
|
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
|
|
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
|
|
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
|
|
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
|
|
|
|
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
|
|
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
|
|
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
|
|
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
|
|
-- Core Dumped Blues
|
|
%
|
|
We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
|
|
%
|
|
Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
|
|
And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
|
|
But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
|
|
And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
|
|
%
|
|
Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
|
|
%
|
|
Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
|
|
-- Joe E. Lewis
|
|
%
|
|
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
|
|
we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
Well, we'll really have a party,
|
|
but we've gotta post a guard outside.
|
|
-- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
|
|
%
|
|
"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
|
|
poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
|
|
and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
|
|
-- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
|
|
%
|
|
Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
|
|
And we're loved everywhere we go.
|
|
We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
|
|
At ten thousand dollars a show.
|
|
We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
|
|
But the thrill we've never known,
|
|
Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
|
|
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
|
|
|
|
I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
|
|
Who embroiders on my jeans.
|
|
I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
|
|
Drivin' my limousine.
|
|
Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
|
|
But our minds won't be really be blown;
|
|
Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
|
|
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
|
|
|
|
We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
|
|
Who'll do anything we say.
|
|
We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
|
|
We got all the friends that money can buy,
|
|
So we never have to be alone.
|
|
And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
|
|
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
|
|
-- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
|
|
[As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
|
|
higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
|
|
%
|
|
Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
|
|
-- Buckaroo Banzai
|
|
%
|
|
WELL-ADJUSTED:
|
|
The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
|
|
%
|
|
We
|
|
own
|
|
this land.
|
|
|
|
I don't spend
|
|
any time
|
|
on this land.
|
|
|
|
This
|
|
is a tiny
|
|
little piece
|
|
|
|
of my
|
|
business
|
|
interests.
|
|
|
|
It's like
|
|
a grain
|
|
of sand.
|
|
-- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
|
|
recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
|
|
From SPY Magazine, November 1992
|
|
%
|
|
We're all in this alone.
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
|
|
people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
|
|
Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
|
|
and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
|
|
it's not going to do anything for you.
|
|
-- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
|
|
%
|
|
We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
|
|
things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
|
|
and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
|
|
-- Waldo D.R. Dobbs
|
|
%
|
|
We're happy little Vegemites,
|
|
As bright as bright can be.
|
|
We all all enjoy our Vegemite
|
|
For breakfast, lunch and tea.
|
|
%
|
|
Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
|
|
formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
|
|
shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
|
|
a grin.
|
|
-- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
|
|
%
|
|
We're Knights of the Round Table
|
|
We dance whene'er we're able
|
|
We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
|
|
With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
|
|
We dine well here in Camelot But many times
|
|
We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
|
|
That are quite unsingable
|
|
In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
|
|
Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
|
|
Between our quests
|
|
We sequin vests
|
|
And impersonate Clark Gable
|
|
It's a busy life in Camelot.
|
|
I have to push the pram a lot.
|
|
-- Monty Python
|
|
%
|
|
We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
|
|
-- D.W. Robertson.
|
|
%
|
|
We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
|
|
but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
|
|
then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
|
|
-- Ensign Flandry
|
|
%
|
|
"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
|
|
weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
|
|
the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
|
|
unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
|
|
responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
|
|
desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
|
|
learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
|
|
short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
|
|
-- Don Juan
|
|
%
|
|
We're only in it for the volume.
|
|
-- Black Sabbath
|
|
%
|
|
Were there no women, men might live like gods.
|
|
-- Thomas Dekker
|
|
%
|
|
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
|
|
%
|
|
Westheimer's Discovery:
|
|
A couple of months in the laboratory can
|
|
frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
|
|
%
|
|
Wethern's Law:
|
|
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
|
|
%
|
|
We've tried each spinning space mote
|
|
And reckoned its true worth:
|
|
Take us back again to the homes of men
|
|
On the cool, green hills of Earth.
|
|
|
|
The arching sky is calling
|
|
Spacemen back to their trade.
|
|
All hands! Standby! Free falling!
|
|
And the lights below us fade.
|
|
Out ride the sons of Terra,
|
|
Far drives the thundering jet,
|
|
Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
|
|
Out, far, and onward yet--
|
|
|
|
We pray for one last landing
|
|
On the globe that gave us birth;
|
|
Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
|
|
And the cool, green hills of Earth.
|
|
-- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
|
|
%
|
|
Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
|
|
%
|
|
What!? Me worry?
|
|
-- A.E. Newman
|
|
%
|
|
What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
|
|
by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
|
|
Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
|
|
-- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
|
|
%
|
|
What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
|
|
understand what a misfortune it is.
|
|
-- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
|
|
%
|
|
What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
|
|
-- WOP, "War Games"
|
|
%
|
|
What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
|
|
-- Christopher Fry
|
|
%
|
|
What an artist dies with me!
|
|
-- Nero
|
|
%
|
|
What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
|
|
back of a cheque.
|
|
-- Brendan Francis
|
|
%
|
|
What awful irony is this?
|
|
We are as gods, but know it not.
|
|
%
|
|
What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
|
|
%
|
|
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
|
|
%
|
|
What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
|
|
Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
|
|
You and I know that a burden and a cross,
|
|
Can only be carried on one man's back.
|
|
-- Louden Wainwright III
|
|
%
|
|
What did you bring that book I didn't want
|
|
to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
|
|
%
|
|
What did you do when the ship sank?
|
|
I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
|
|
%
|
|
What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
|
|
is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
|
|
that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
|
|
the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
|
|
live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
|
|
others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
|
|
%
|
|
What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
|
|
-- Jerry Lester
|
|
%
|
|
What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
|
|
Not enough sand.
|
|
%
|
|
What does education often do?
|
|
It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
|
|
-- Henry David Thoreau
|
|
%
|
|
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
|
|
%
|
|
What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
|
|
win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
|
|
In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
|
|
that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
|
|
simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
|
|
base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
|
|
a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
|
|
activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
|
|
the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
|
|
and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
|
|
words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
|
|
Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
|
|
conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
|
|
Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
|
|
and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
|
|
-- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
|
|
%
|
|
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
What ever happened to happily ever after?
|
|
%
|
|
What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
|
|
-- Roger von Oech
|
|
%
|
|
What foods these morsels be!
|
|
%
|
|
What fools these morals be!
|
|
%
|
|
What fools these mortals be.
|
|
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
|
|
%
|
|
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
|
|
%
|
|
What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
|
|
where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
|
|
%
|
|
What good is a ticket to the good life,
|
|
if you can't find the entrance?
|
|
%
|
|
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
|
|
-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
|
|
%
|
|
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
|
|
in his footsteps?
|
|
%
|
|
What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
|
|
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
|
|
%
|
|
What happened last night can happen again.
|
|
%
|
|
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
|
|
involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
|
|
be pretty bad.
|
|
-- Dave Barry
|
|
%
|
|
What happens to a dream deferred?
|
|
Does it dry up
|
|
Like a raisin in the sun?
|
|
Or fester like a sore --
|
|
And then run?
|
|
Does it stink like rotten meat?
|
|
Or crust and sugar over --
|
|
Like a syrupy sweet?
|
|
|
|
Maybe it just sags
|
|
Like a heavy load.
|
|
|
|
Or does it explode?
|
|
-- Langston Hughes
|
|
%
|
|
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
|
|
%
|
|
What has roots as nobody sees,
|
|
Is taller than trees,
|
|
Up, up it goes,
|
|
And yet never grows?
|
|
%
|
|
What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
|
|
broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
|
|
is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
|
|
-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
|
|
%
|
|
What I tell you three times is true.
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
|
|
%
|
|
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
|
|
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
|
|
%
|
|
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
|
|
Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
|
|
%
|
|
What if there had been room at the inn?
|
|
-- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
|
|
%
|
|
What is a magician but a practising theorist?
|
|
-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
|
|
%
|
|
What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
|
|
-- J.M. Barrie
|
|
%
|
|
What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
|
|
them puke.
|
|
-- Steve Martin
|
|
%
|
|
What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
|
|
-- Titus Lucretius Carus
|
|
%
|
|
What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
|
|
will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
|
|
weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
|
|
but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
|
|
our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
|
|
What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
|
|
all the weak: Christianity.
|
|
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
|
|
enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
|
|
out of him.
|
|
-- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
|
|
%
|
|
What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
|
|
an accomplice.
|
|
-- Charles Baudelaire
|
|
%
|
|
What is love but a second-hand emotion?
|
|
-- Tina Turner
|
|
%
|
|
What is mind? No matter.
|
|
What is matter? Never mind.
|
|
-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
|
|
%
|
|
What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
|
|
-- William Blake
|
|
%
|
|
What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
|
|
-- Will Harvey
|
|
%
|
|
What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
|
|
%
|
|
What is status?
|
|
Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
|
|
|
|
Uh, no...
|
|
Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
|
|
problem with him.
|
|
|
|
Uh, that still ain't right...
|
|
STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
|
|
and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
|
|
minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
|
|
%
|
|
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
|
|
It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
|
|
establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
|
|
%
|
|
What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?
|
|
-- Bertold Brecht
|
|
%
|
|
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
|
|
%
|
|
What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
|
|
if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
|
|
-- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
|
|
from outside Sinanju named Remo.
|
|
%
|
|
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
|
|
of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
|
|
is the first law of nature.
|
|
-- Voltaire
|
|
%
|
|
What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
|
|
to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
|
|
may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
|
|
simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
|
|
big thumping lie that will then be believed.
|
|
-- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
|
|
British civilian morale, 1939
|
|
%
|
|
What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
|
|
which is the exact opposite.
|
|
-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928
|
|
%
|
|
What is wanted is not the will-to-believe,
|
|
but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite.
|
|
-- Bertrand Russell
|
|
%
|
|
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
|
|
%
|
|
What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
|
|
goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
|
|
-- Jack Kerouac
|
|
%
|
|
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler
|
|
%
|
|
What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
|
|
is that there's nothing to compare it with.
|
|
%
|
|
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
|
|
is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
|
|
%
|
|
What makes you think graduate school
|
|
is supposed to be satisfying?
|
|
-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
|
|
%
|
|
What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
|
|
%
|
|
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
|
|
is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
|
|
%
|
|
What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
|
|
A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
|
|
-- Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
What on earth would a man do with himself
|
|
if something did not stand in his way?
|
|
-- H.G. Wells
|
|
%
|
|
What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
|
|
-- John Lilly
|
|
%
|
|
What one fool can do, another can.
|
|
-- Ancient Simian Proverb
|
|
%
|
|
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
|
|
%
|
|
What pains others pleasures me,
|
|
At home am I in Lisp or C;
|
|
There i couch in ecstasy,
|
|
'Til debugger's poke i flee,
|
|
Into kernel memory.
|
|
In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
|
|
Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
|
|
%
|
|
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
|
|
-- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
|
|
%
|
|
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
|
|
more than man's transparency.
|
|
-- George Nathan
|
|
%
|
|
What passes for woman's intuition
|
|
is often nothing more than man's transparency.
|
|
%
|
|
What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
|
|
It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
|
|
and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
|
|
and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
|
|
women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
|
|
mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
|
|
and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
|
|
-- Susan Gordon
|
|
%
|
|
What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
|
|
of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
|
|
were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
|
|
impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
|
|
enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
|
|
till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
|
|
look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
|
|
the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
|
|
discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
|
|
their grasp before they were five years old.
|
|
-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
|
|
%
|
|
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
|
|
-- U.K. LeGuin
|
|
%
|
|
What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
|
|
-- J.D. Farley
|
|
%
|
|
What segment's this, that, laid to rest
|
|
On FHA0, is sleeping?
|
|
What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
|
|
While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
|
|
Dump, dump it and type it out,
|
|
The file, the highseg of login.
|
|
Why lies it here, on public disk
|
|
And why is it now unprotected?
|
|
A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
|
|
And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
|
|
Dump, dump it and type it out,
|
|
The file, the highseg of login.
|
|
-- to Greensleeves
|
|
%
|
|
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
|
|
%
|
|
What soon grows old? Gratitude.
|
|
-- Aristotle
|
|
%
|
|
What, still alive at twenty-two,
|
|
A clean upstanding chap like you?
|
|
Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
|
|
Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
|
|
Like enough, you won't be glad,
|
|
When they come to hang you, lad:
|
|
But bacon's not the only thing
|
|
That's cured by hanging from a string.
|
|
So, when the spilt ink of the night
|
|
Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
|
|
Lads whose job is still to do
|
|
Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
|
|
-- Hugh Kingsmill
|
|
%
|
|
What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
|
|
around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
|
|
-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
|
|
%
|
|
What the hell is it good for?
|
|
-- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
|
|
Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
|
|
microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
|
|
%
|
|
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
|
|
%
|
|
What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
|
|
-- Nikita Khruschev
|
|
%
|
|
What they said:
|
|
What they meant:
|
|
|
|
"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
|
|
(Yes, that about sums it up.)
|
|
"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
|
|
(And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
|
|
"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
|
|
(What a screw-up.)
|
|
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
|
|
(I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
|
|
"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
|
|
a long way with his skills."
|
|
(We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
|
|
"You won't find many people like her."
|
|
(In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
|
|
"I cannot recommend him too highly."
|
|
(However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
|
|
felony in my presence.)
|
|
%
|
|
What they said:
|
|
What they meant:
|
|
|
|
"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
|
|
of him as I do."
|
|
(Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
|
|
"Her input was always critical."
|
|
(She never had a good word to say.)
|
|
"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
|
|
(And it's nonexistent.)
|
|
"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
|
|
already has so many outstanding members."
|
|
(Unless you already have a moron.)
|
|
"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
|
|
one unbelievable result after another."
|
|
(And we didn't believe them, either.)
|
|
"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
|
|
(In fact, to life in general...)
|
|
%
|
|
What they said:
|
|
What they meant:
|
|
|
|
"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
|
|
(We certainly never succeeded.)
|
|
There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
|
|
(Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
|
|
"Success will never spoil him."
|
|
(Well, at least not MUCH more.)
|
|
"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
|
|
(And such a sigh of relief.)
|
|
"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
|
|
in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
|
|
(And his IQ, as well.)
|
|
"He should go far."
|
|
(The farther the better.)
|
|
"He will take full advantage of his staff."
|
|
(He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
|
|
%
|
|
What they say: What they mean:
|
|
|
|
A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
|
|
Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
|
|
Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
|
|
to unforseen difficulties
|
|
Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
|
|
Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
|
|
assured grateful for anything at all.
|
|
Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
|
|
Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
|
|
The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
|
|
to say something.
|
|
The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
|
|
We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
|
|
approach kicking it around.
|
|
A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
|
|
we're moving.
|
|
Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
|
|
inconclusive
|
|
Modifications are underway We're starting over.
|
|
%
|
|
What they say: What they mean:
|
|
|
|
New Different colors from previous version.
|
|
All New Not compatible with previous version.
|
|
Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
|
|
Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
|
|
Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
|
|
Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
|
|
Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
|
|
Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
|
|
Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
|
|
Years of Development Finally got one to work.
|
|
Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
|
|
Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
|
|
Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
|
|
No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
|
|
Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
|
|
Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
|
|
Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
|
|
Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
|
|
%
|
|
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
|
|
%
|
|
What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
|
|
%
|
|
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
|
|
%
|
|
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
|
|
%
|
|
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
|
|
%
|
|
What time is it?
|
|
I don't know, it keeps changing.
|
|
%
|
|
What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
|
|
but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
What we Are is God's give to us.
|
|
What we Become is our gift to God.
|
|
%
|
|
What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
|
|
-- Wittgenstein
|
|
%
|
|
What we do not understand we do not possess.
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
What we need is either less corruption,
|
|
or more chance to participate in it.
|
|
%
|
|
What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
|
|
-- John Lubbock
|
|
%
|
|
What we wish, that we readily believe.
|
|
-- Demosthenes
|
|
%
|
|
What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
|
|
%
|
|
What you don't know won't help you much either.
|
|
-- D. Bennett
|
|
%
|
|
What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
|
|
your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
|
|
your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
|
|
powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
|
|
with as you will.
|
|
-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
|
|
%
|
|
What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
|
|
something to occur to you.
|
|
-- Robert Frost
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to AST's.]
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever became of eternal truth?
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
|
|
cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
|
|
nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
|
|
shredding hundred dollar bills."
|
|
-- Herb Caen
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
|
|
never succeed.
|
|
-- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
|
|
performance.
|
|
-- Helen Lawrenson
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever happened to the good old days
|
|
when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
|
|
Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
|
|
-- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
|
|
-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
|
|
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
|
|
as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
|
|
-- Charlotte Whitton
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
|
|
you do it.
|
|
-- Gandhi
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
|
|
other people.
|
|
-- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
|
|
%
|
|
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
|
|
%
|
|
What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
|
|
-- Robert Altman
|
|
%
|
|
What's all this bru-ha-ha?
|
|
%
|
|
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
What's done to children, they will do to society.
|
|
%
|
|
What's page one, a preemptive strike?
|
|
-- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
|
|
%
|
|
What's so funny?
|
|
%
|
|
What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
|
|
with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
What's the ugliest part of your body?
|
|
What's the ugliest part of your body?
|
|
Some say your nose,
|
|
Some say your toes,
|
|
But I think it's your mind.
|
|
-- Frank Zappa, 1965
|
|
%
|
|
What's this stuff about people being "released on their
|
|
own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
|
|
%
|
|
When a Banker jumps out of a window,
|
|
jump after him -- that's where the money is.
|
|
-- Robespierre
|
|
%
|
|
When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
|
|
%
|
|
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
|
|
%
|
|
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
|
|
the principle of the thing," it's the money.
|
|
-- Kim Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
When a girl can read the handwriting on
|
|
the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
|
|
%
|
|
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
|
|
inattentions of one.
|
|
-- Helen Rowland
|
|
%
|
|
When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
|
|
the first lion thinks the last a bore.
|
|
-- G.B. Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
When a lot of remedies are suggested for
|
|
a disease, that means it can't be cured.
|
|
-- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
|
|
%
|
|
When a man assumes a public trust, he
|
|
should consider himself as public property.
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
%
|
|
When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
|
|
it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
|
|
But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
|
|
hour. That's relativity.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein
|
|
%
|
|
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
|
|
keep her.
|
|
-- Sacha Guitry
|
|
%
|
|
When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
|
|
ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
|
|
with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
|
|
liar who has broken his promises.
|
|
-- Franklin Adams
|
|
%
|
|
When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
|
|
%
|
|
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
|
|
far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
|
|
is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
|
|
-- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
|
|
%
|
|
When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
|
|
the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
|
|
relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
|
|
-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
|
|
%
|
|
When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
|
|
first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
|
|
-- Donnay
|
|
%
|
|
When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
|
|
When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
|
|
-- Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
|
|
yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
|
|
|
|
Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
|
|
out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
|
|
by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
|
|
to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
|
|
that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
|
|
looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
|
|
poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
|
|
him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
|
|
death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
|
|
story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
|
|
the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of
|
|
paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
|
|
-- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
|
|
%
|
|
When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
|
|
interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
|
|
honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
|
|
-- The Grab Bag
|
|
%
|
|
When all else fails, EAT!!!
|
|
%
|
|
When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
|
|
the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
|
|
knob.
|
|
-- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
|
|
%
|
|
When all else fails, read the instructions.
|
|
%
|
|
When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
|
|
%
|
|
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
|
|
%
|
|
When among apes, one must play the ape.
|
|
%
|
|
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
|
|
-- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell
|
|
%
|
|
When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
|
|
-- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
|
|
%
|
|
When asked the definition of "pi":
|
|
The Mathematician:
|
|
Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
|
|
circumference of a circle and its diameter.
|
|
The Physicist:
|
|
Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
|
|
The Engineer:
|
|
Pi is about 3.
|
|
%
|
|
When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
|
|
%
|
|
When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
|
|
-- Brian Aldiss
|
|
%
|
|
When choosing between two evils, I always
|
|
like to take the one I've never tried before.
|
|
-- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
|
|
%
|
|
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
|
|
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
|
|
handle this?"
|
|
%
|
|
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
|
|
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
|
|
%
|
|
When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
|
|
%
|
|
When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
|
|
was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
|
|
never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
|
|
declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
|
|
that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
|
|
consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
|
|
-- Josef Goebbels
|
|
%
|
|
When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
|
|
%
|
|
When does later become never?
|
|
%
|
|
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
|
|
Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
|
|
%
|
|
When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
|
|
-- Gen. C. Abrams
|
|
%
|
|
When forecasting, give them a number
|
|
or give them a date, but never both.
|
|
%
|
|
When God endowed human beings with brains,
|
|
He did not intend to guarantee them.
|
|
%
|
|
When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
|
|
why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
|
|
-- DeGourmont
|
|
%
|
|
When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
|
|
inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
|
|
blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
|
|
screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
|
|
stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
|
|
himself to destruction.
|
|
-- George Plimpton
|
|
%
|
|
When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
|
|
to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
|
|
-- Brendan Behan
|
|
%
|
|
When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
|
|
He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
|
|
-- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
|
|
%
|
|
when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
|
|
in my sleep.
|
|
like my grandfather.
|
|
|
|
not screaming,
|
|
like the passengers in his car...
|
|
%
|
|
When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
|
|
loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
|
|
barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
|
|
drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
|
|
As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
|
|
onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
|
|
the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
|
|
%
|
|
When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
|
|
and a willingness to compromise.
|
|
-- Weber cartoon caption
|
|
%
|
|
When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great
|
|
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
|
|
if i'm leaving.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
|
|
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
When I grow up, I want to be an honest
|
|
lawyer so things like that can't happen.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
|
|
%
|
|
When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
|
|
shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
|
|
what you like now."
|
|
-- Tolstoy
|
|
%
|
|
When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
|
|
for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
|
|
%
|
|
When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
|
|
%
|
|
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
|
|
myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
|
|
%
|
|
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
|
|
to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
|
|
-- Franklyn Ajaye
|
|
%
|
|
When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
|
|
I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
|
|
to be seen again.
|
|
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
|
|
%
|
|
When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
|
|
it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
|
|
-- Al Capone
|
|
%
|
|
When I think about myself,
|
|
I almost laugh myself to death,
|
|
My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
|
|
A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
|
|
A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
|
|
I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
|
|
When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
|
|
I laugh until my stomach ache,
|
|
When I think about myself.
|
|
My folks can make me split my side,
|
|
I laughed so hard I nearly died,
|
|
The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
|
|
They grow the fruit,
|
|
But eat the rind,
|
|
I laugh until I start to crying,
|
|
When I think about my folks.
|
|
-- Maya Angelou
|
|
%
|
|
When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
|
|
By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
|
|
%
|
|
When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
|
|
Now I'm beginning to believe it.
|
|
-- Clarence Darrow
|
|
%
|
|
When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
|
|
I was an only child... eventually.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
|
|
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
|
|
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
|
|
-- Jack Handey
|
|
%
|
|
When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard.
|
|
I was an only child... eventually.
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
|
|
woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
|
|
-- Robert Schuman
|
|
%
|
|
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
|
|
I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
|
|
|
|
I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
|
|
picture that came with the wallet he bought.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
|
|
say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
|
|
%
|
|
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
|
|
I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
|
|
-- Woody Allen
|
|
%
|
|
When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
|
|
-- Rodney Dangerfield
|
|
%
|
|
When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
|
|
of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
|
|
seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
|
|
always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
|
|
would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
|
|
organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
|
|
The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
|
|
to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
|
|
together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
|
|
-- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
|
|
%
|
|
When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
|
|
had to take drugs and go to concerts.
|
|
-- Steven Pearl
|
|
%
|
|
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
|
|
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
|
|
remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
|
|
pieces like this but we all have to do it.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
|
|
slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
When I works, I works hard.
|
|
When I sits, I sits easy.
|
|
And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
|
|
%
|
|
When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
|
|
the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
|
|
the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
|
|
comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
|
|
he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
|
|
questions like a senator.
|
|
-- Muhammad Ali
|
|
%
|
|
When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
When in charge ponder,
|
|
When in doubt mumble,
|
|
When in trouble delegate.
|
|
%
|
|
When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
|
|
to apologize than to get permission.
|
|
-- Grace Murray Hopper
|
|
%
|
|
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
|
|
%
|
|
When in doubt, follow your heart.
|
|
%
|
|
When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
|
|
-- Raymond Chandler
|
|
%
|
|
When in doubt, lead trump.
|
|
%
|
|
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
|
|
-- James H. Boren
|
|
%
|
|
When in doubt, tell the truth.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
When in doubt, use brute force.
|
|
-- Ken Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
|
|
-- St. Ambrose
|
|
%
|
|
When in this world the headlines read
|
|
Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
|
|
Who rob and steal from those who need
|
|
The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
|
|
Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
|
|
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
|
|
Fighting all who rob or plunder
|
|
Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
|
|
Underdog
|
|
UNDERDOG!
|
|
%
|
|
When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
|
|
%
|
|
When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
|
|
half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
|
|
%
|
|
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
|
|
%
|
|
When it is not necessary to make a decision,
|
|
it is necessary not to make a decision.
|
|
%
|
|
When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
|
|
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
|
|
%
|
|
When license fees are too high,
|
|
users do things by hand.
|
|
When the management is too intrusive,
|
|
users lose their spirit.
|
|
|
|
Hack for the user's benefit.
|
|
Trust them; leave them alone.
|
|
%
|
|
When love is gone, there's always justice.
|
|
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
|
|
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
|
|
Hi, Mom!
|
|
-- Laurie Anderson
|
|
%
|
|
When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
|
|
will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
|
|
%
|
|
When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When
|
|
accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to
|
|
be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll
|
|
in.
|
|
|
|
Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
|
|
|
|
When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants
|
|
make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When
|
|
senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be
|
|
solved.
|
|
|
|
Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
|
|
%
|
|
When Marriage is Outlawed,
|
|
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
|
|
%
|
|
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
|
|
-- Calvin Coolidge
|
|
%
|
|
When my brain begins to reel from my
|
|
literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
|
|
-- Ignatius Reilly
|
|
%
|
|
When my fist clenches crack it open,
|
|
Before I use it and lose my cool.
|
|
When I smile tell me some bad news,
|
|
Before I laugh and act like a fool.
|
|
|
|
And if I swallow anything evil,
|
|
Put you finger down my throat.
|
|
And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
|
|
Keep me warm let me wear your coat
|
|
|
|
No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
|
|
to be the sad man.
|
|
Behind blue eyes.
|
|
No one knows what its like to be hated,
|
|
to be fated,
|
|
To telling only lies.
|
|
-- The Who
|
|
%
|
|
When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
|
|
at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
|
|
think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
|
|
wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
|
|
become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
|
|
Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
|
|
was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
|
|
women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
|
|
a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
|
|
most unlikely of situations.
|
|
-- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
|
|
%
|
|
When neither their poverty nor their honor is
|
|
touched, the majority of men live content.
|
|
-- Niccolo Machiavelli
|
|
%
|
|
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
|
|
%
|
|
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
|
|
-- Dylan Thomas
|
|
%
|
|
When one knows women one pities men,
|
|
but when one studies men, one excuses women.
|
|
-- Horne Tooke
|
|
%
|
|
When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
|
|
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
|
|
she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
|
|
it less and less."
|
|
-- Louise Andrews Kent
|
|
%
|
|
When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
|
|
The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
|
|
And Oxygen still had none
|
|
Then Oxygen scored a single goal
|
|
And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
|
|
Called because of rain.
|
|
%
|
|
When people have trouble communicating,
|
|
the least they can do is to shut up.
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer
|
|
%
|
|
When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
|
|
%
|
|
When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
|
|
%
|
|
When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
|
|
newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
|
|
was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
|
|
|
|
Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
|
|
papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
|
|
favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
|
|
"But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
|
|
not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
|
|
President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
|
|
how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
|
|
Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
|
|
%
|
|
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
|
|
every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
|
|
is away and you get twice as much done.
|
|
-- Daniel B. Luten
|
|
%
|
|
When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
|
|
-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
|
|
%
|
|
When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
|
|
big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
|
|
%
|
|
When some people discover the truth, they just
|
|
can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
|
|
%
|
|
When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
|
|
Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
|
|
Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
|
|
U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
|
|
They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
|
|
But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
|
|
|
|
For might makes right, Members of the corps
|
|
And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
|
|
They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
|
|
peaceful means.
|
|
All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
|
|
Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
|
|
We only want the world to know
|
|
That we support the status quo;
|
|
They love us everywhere we go,
|
|
So when in doubt, send the Marines!
|
|
-- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
|
|
%
|
|
When someone says "I want a programming language in
|
|
which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
|
|
-- Alan Perlis
|
|
%
|
|
When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
|
|
-- S. Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
|
|
%
|
|
When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
|
|
of asterisked sentences:
|
|
|
|
It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
|
|
And costs less than $1,300.**
|
|
|
|
In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
|
|
|
|
* Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
|
|
this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
|
|
pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
|
|
will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
|
|
might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
|
|
|
|
** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
|
|
you really want to. Or less.
|
|
-- Forbes
|
|
%
|
|
When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
|
|
-- Turkish proverb
|
|
%
|
|
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
|
|
-- Chinese proverb
|
|
%
|
|
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
|
|
talking about themselves.
|
|
%
|
|
When the candles are out all women are fair.
|
|
-- Plutarch
|
|
%
|
|
When the cup is full, carry it level.
|
|
%
|
|
When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
|
|
-- Billy Sunday
|
|
%
|
|
When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
|
|
muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
|
|
%
|
|
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
|
|
-- Lynch
|
|
%
|
|
When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
|
|
%
|
|
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
|
|
%
|
|
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
|
|
-- Hunter S. Thompson
|
|
%
|
|
When the government bureau's remedies do not match
|
|
your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
|
|
%
|
|
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify
|
|
the problem, not the remedy.
|
|
%
|
|
When the Guru administers, the users
|
|
are hardly aware that he exists.
|
|
Next best is a sysop who is loved.
|
|
Next, one who is feared.
|
|
And worst, one who is despised.
|
|
|
|
If you don't trust the users,
|
|
you make them untrustworthy.
|
|
|
|
The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
|
|
When his work is done,
|
|
the users say, "Amazing:
|
|
we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
|
|
%
|
|
When the leaders speak of peace
|
|
The common folk know
|
|
That war is coming
|
|
When the leaders curse war
|
|
The mobilization order is already written out.
|
|
|
|
Every day, to earn my daily bread
|
|
I go to the market where lies are bought
|
|
Hopefully
|
|
I take my place among the sellers.
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
|
|
%
|
|
When the lights are out, all women are fair.
|
|
-- Plutarch
|
|
%
|
|
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
|
|
the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
|
|
nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.
|
|
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
|
|
%
|
|
When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
|
|
like a nail.
|
|
%
|
|
When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
When the revolution comes, count your change.
|
|
%
|
|
When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
|
|
if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
|
|
he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
|
|
right."
|
|
"Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
|
|
the wrong joke."
|
|
%
|
|
When the sun shineth, make hay.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
|
|
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
|
|
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were
|
|
set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as
|
|
bodies of a lower grade...
|
|
-- Stanislaw Lem
|
|
%
|
|
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
|
|
he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
|
|
seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
|
|
"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
|
|
stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
|
|
several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
|
|
The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
|
|
what's your name?"
|
|
"Samuel," he mumbled.
|
|
"And where're you from, Sam?"
|
|
"The balcony."
|
|
%
|
|
When the wind is great, bow before it;
|
|
when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
|
|
%
|
|
When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
|
|
is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
|
|
-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
|
|
%
|
|
When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
|
|
-- Honore de Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
When things go well, expect something to
|
|
explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
|
|
%
|
|
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
|
|
most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
|
|
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
|
|
continuously until death do them part.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
When users see one GUI as beautiful,
|
|
other user interfaces become ugly.
|
|
When users see some programs as winners,
|
|
other programs become lossage.
|
|
|
|
Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
|
|
High level and assembler depend on each other.
|
|
Double and float cast to each other.
|
|
High-endian and low-endian define each other.
|
|
While and until follow each other.
|
|
|
|
Therefore the Guru
|
|
programs without doing anything
|
|
and teaches without saying anything.
|
|
Warnings arise and he lets them come;
|
|
processes are swapped and he lets them go.
|
|
He has but doesn't possess,
|
|
acts but doesn't expect.
|
|
When his work is done, he deletes it.
|
|
That is why it lasts forever.
|
|
%
|
|
When we are planning for posterity,
|
|
we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
|
|
-- Thomas Paine
|
|
%
|
|
When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
|
|
anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
|
|
two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
|
|
history of war have so few been led by so many.
|
|
-- General James Gavin
|
|
%
|
|
When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
|
|
%
|
|
When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be
|
|
as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed.
|
|
%
|
|
When we write programs that "learn",
|
|
it turns out we do and they don't.
|
|
%
|
|
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
|
|
-- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
|
|
%
|
|
When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
|
|
when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
|
|
even our virtues.
|
|
-- Honore de Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
|
|
-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
|
|
%
|
|
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
|
|
of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
|
|
proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
|
|
goal.
|
|
-- Amrom Katz
|
|
%
|
|
When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
|
|
when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
|
|
-- St. Ambrose
|
|
%
|
|
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
|
|
%
|
|
When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
|
|
%
|
|
When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
|
|
something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
|
|
your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
|
|
the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
|
|
vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
|
|
eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
|
|
narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
|
|
will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
|
|
But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
|
|
from, to torture and unsettle us?
|
|
-- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
|
|
%
|
|
When you become used to never being alone,
|
|
you may consider yourself Americanized.
|
|
%
|
|
When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
|
|
%
|
|
When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
|
|
-- Brooke Shields
|
|
%
|
|
When you dig another out of trouble,
|
|
you've got a place to bury your own.
|
|
%
|
|
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
|
|
%
|
|
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
|
|
%
|
|
When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger,
|
|
When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
|
|
There is one thing you should learn,
|
|
When there is no one else to turn to,
|
|
Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
|
|
Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
|
|
%
|
|
When you find yourself in danger,
|
|
When you're threatened by a stranger,
|
|
When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
|
|
|
|
There is one thing you should learn,
|
|
When there is no one else to turn to,
|
|
Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
|
|
Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
|
|
%
|
|
When you find yourself in danger,
|
|
When you're threatened by a stranger,
|
|
When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
|
|
There is one thing you should learn,
|
|
When there is no one else to turn to,
|
|
Caaaaaall for Super Chicken.
|
|
%
|
|
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
|
|
And the world makes you king for a day,
|
|
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
|
|
And see what that man has to say.
|
|
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
|
|
Whose judgement upon you must pass;
|
|
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
|
|
Is the one staring back from the glass.
|
|
Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
|
|
And call you a wonderful guy,
|
|
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
|
|
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
|
|
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
|
|
For he's with you clear up to the end,
|
|
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
|
|
If the man in the glass is your friend.
|
|
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
|
|
And get pats on the back as you pass,
|
|
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
|
|
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
|
|
%
|
|
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
|
|
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
|
|
-- Norm Crosby
|
|
%
|
|
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
|
|
%
|
|
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
|
|
remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
|
|
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
|
|
%
|
|
When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
|
|
clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
|
|
answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
|
|
acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
|
|
-- R.A. Lafferty
|
|
%
|
|
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
|
|
-- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war
|
|
%
|
|
When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
|
|
moves the ground from beneath your feet.
|
|
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
|
|
%
|
|
When you live in a sick society,
|
|
just about everything you do is wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
When you make your mark in the world,
|
|
watch out for guys with erasers.
|
|
-- The Wall Street Journal
|
|
%
|
|
When you meet a master swordsman,
|
|
show him your sword.
|
|
When you meet a man who is not a poet,
|
|
do not show him your poem.
|
|
-- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
|
|
%
|
|
When you overesteem great hackers,
|
|
more users become cretins.
|
|
When you develop encryption,
|
|
more users become crackers.
|
|
|
|
The Guru leads
|
|
by emptying user's minds
|
|
and increasing their quotas,
|
|
by weakening their ambition
|
|
and toughening their resolve.
|
|
When users lack knowledge and desire,
|
|
management will not try to interfere.
|
|
|
|
Practice not-looping,
|
|
and everything will fall into place.
|
|
%
|
|
When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
|
|
you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
|
|
-- Otto von Bismarck
|
|
%
|
|
When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
|
|
when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
|
|
%
|
|
When you try to make an impression, the
|
|
chances are that is the impression you will make.
|
|
%
|
|
When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
|
|
%
|
|
When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
|
|
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
|
|
%
|
|
When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
|
|
They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
|
|
-- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
|
|
%
|
|
When your memory goes, forget it!
|
|
%
|
|
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
|
|
-- Henry J. Kaiser
|
|
%
|
|
When you're a Yup
|
|
You're a Yup all the way
|
|
From your first slice of Brie
|
|
To your last Cabernet.
|
|
|
|
When you're a Yup
|
|
You're not just a dreamer
|
|
You're making things happen
|
|
You're driving a Beamer.
|
|
%
|
|
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
|
|
Wretched, bored, dejected, only
|
|
Here's the rub, my darling dear,
|
|
I feel the same when you are hear.
|
|
-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
|
|
%
|
|
When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
|
|
-- David Pryce-Jones
|
|
%
|
|
When you're dining out and you suspect
|
|
something's wrong, you're probably right.
|
|
%
|
|
When you're down and out, lift up your
|
|
voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
|
|
%
|
|
When you're in command, command.
|
|
-- Admiral Nimitz
|
|
%
|
|
When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
|
|
you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
|
|
of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
|
|
-- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
|
|
%
|
|
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
|
|
%
|
|
When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
|
|
%
|
|
WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
|
|
your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever a system becomes completely defined,
|
|
some damn fool discovers something which either
|
|
abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
|
|
%
|
|
WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
|
|
laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
|
|
to become a parrot or something.
|
|
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
|
|
-- Dave Parnas
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
|
|
to spend their weekends with?
|
|
-- Rita Rudner
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
|
|
a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
|
|
-- A. Lincoln
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
|
|
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
|
|
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
|
|
-- Jack Handey
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
|
|
We people on the pavement looked at him:
|
|
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
|
|
Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
|
|
And he was always quietly arrayed,
|
|
And he was always human when he talked;
|
|
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
|
|
"Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
|
|
And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
|
|
And admirably schooled in every grace:
|
|
In fine, we thought that he was everything
|
|
To make us wish that we were in his place.
|
|
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
|
|
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
|
|
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
|
|
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
|
|
-- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
|
|
you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that
|
|
is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges
|
|
on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Whenever you find that you are on the
|
|
side of the majority, it is time to reform.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
|
|
weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
|
|
and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
|
|
-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
|
|
%
|
|
Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
|
|
%
|
|
Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
|
|
%
|
|
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
|
|
Oh, dear, where can the matter be
|
|
When it's converted to energy?
|
|
There is a slight loss of parity.
|
|
Johnny's so long at the fair.
|
|
%
|
|
Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
|
|
-- Karl Kraus
|
|
%
|
|
Where do you go to get anorexia?
|
|
-- Shelley Winters
|
|
%
|
|
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
|
|
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
|
|
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
|
|
%
|
|
Where is John Carson now that we need him?
|
|
-- RLG
|
|
%
|
|
Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
|
|
examine the laws of heat.
|
|
-- Christopher Morley
|
|
%
|
|
Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
|
|
Why did you leave me here all alone?
|
|
I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
|
|
You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
|
|
|
|
Gloom, despair and agony on me.
|
|
Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
|
|
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
|
|
Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
|
|
-- Hee Haw
|
|
%
|
|
Where, oh where, are you tonight?
|
|
Why did you leave me here all alone?
|
|
I searched the world over,
|
|
And I thought I'd found true love,
|
|
You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone!
|
|
-- Hee Haw
|
|
%
|
|
Where the hell is Wall Drug?
|
|
%
|
|
Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
|
|
%
|
|
Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
|
|
in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
|
|
%
|
|
Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
Where there's a whip there's a way.
|
|
%
|
|
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
|
|
%
|
|
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
|
|
%
|
|
Where will it all end?
|
|
Probably somewhere near where it all began.
|
|
%
|
|
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
|
|
-- Rufus Miles, HEW
|
|
%
|
|
Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
|
|
-- Wittgenstein
|
|
%
|
|
Where's the man could ease a heart
|
|
Like a satin gown?
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
|
|
%
|
|
...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
|
|
spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
|
|
-- Richard Shelton
|
|
%
|
|
Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
|
|
Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
|
|
Go on, do not rest.
|
|
-- An old Gujarati hymn
|
|
%
|
|
Whether you can hear it or not,
|
|
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
|
|
%
|
|
Which would you rather have, a bursting
|
|
planet or an earthquake here and there?
|
|
-- John Joseph Lynch
|
|
%
|
|
While anyone can admit to themselves they were
|
|
wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
|
|
%
|
|
While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
|
|
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
|
|
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
|
|
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
|
|
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
|
|
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
|
|
-- Robert Burns,
|
|
Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792
|
|
%
|
|
While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
|
|
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
|
|
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
|
|
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
|
|
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
|
|
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
|
|
-- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792
|
|
%
|
|
While having never invented a sin,
|
|
I'm trying to perfect several.
|
|
%
|
|
While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
|
|
Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
|
|
began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
|
|
lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
|
|
define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
|
|
a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
|
|
-- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
|
|
%
|
|
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
|
|
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
|
|
-- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to hardware interrupts.]
|
|
|
|
And now I see with eye serene
|
|
The very pulse of the machine.
|
|
-- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
|
|
|
|
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
|
|
referring to software interrupts.]
|
|
%
|
|
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
|
|
lets you choose your own form of misery.
|
|
%
|
|
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
|
|
%
|
|
While most peoples' opinions change,
|
|
the conviction of their correctness never does.
|
|
%
|
|
While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
|
|
held a gun to his head.
|
|
"Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
|
|
The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
|
|
as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
|
|
"Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
|
|
Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
|
|
his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
|
|
%
|
|
While there's life, there's hope.
|
|
-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
|
|
%
|
|
While walking down a crowded
|
|
City street the other day,
|
|
I heard a little urchin
|
|
To a comrade turn and say,
|
|
"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
|
|
I'd be happy as a clam
|
|
If only I was de feller dat
|
|
Me mudder t'inks I am.
|
|
|
|
"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
|
|
An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
|
|
Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
|
|
Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
|
|
Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
|
|
How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
|
|
If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
|
|
Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
|
|
-- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
|
|
%
|
|
While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
|
|
-- Dean Rusk
|
|
%
|
|
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
|
|
still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
|
|
%
|
|
While you recently had your problems on the run,
|
|
they've regrouped and are making another attack.
|
|
%
|
|
While your friend holds you affectionately by both
|
|
your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.
|
|
%
|
|
Whip it, whip it good!
|
|
%
|
|
Whistler's Law:
|
|
You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
|
|
%
|
|
Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
|
|
%
|
|
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
|
|
%
|
|
White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
|
|
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
|
|
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
|
|
%
|
|
Whitehead's Law:
|
|
The obvious answer is always overlooked.
|
|
%
|
|
White's Statement:
|
|
Don't lose heart!
|
|
|
|
Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
|
|
...they might want to cut it out...
|
|
|
|
Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
|
|
...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
|
|
%
|
|
Who are you?
|
|
%
|
|
Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
|
|
-- Nathan Pusey
|
|
%
|
|
Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
|
|
our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
|
|
%
|
|
Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
|
|
-- Hattie McDaniel
|
|
%
|
|
Who does not love wine, women, and song,
|
|
Remains a fool his whole life long.
|
|
-- Johann Heinrich Voss
|
|
%
|
|
Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
|
|
-- Lao Tsu
|
|
%
|
|
Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
|
|
-- Thomas Tusser
|
|
%
|
|
Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
|
|
%
|
|
Who is John Galt?
|
|
%
|
|
Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
|
|
%
|
|
Who loves me will also love my dog.
|
|
-- John Donne
|
|
%
|
|
Who loves not wisely but too well
|
|
Will look on Helen's face in hell,
|
|
But he whose love is thin and wise
|
|
Will view John Knox in Paradise.
|
|
-- Dorothy Parker
|
|
%
|
|
Who made the world I cannot tell;
|
|
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
|
|
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
|
|
I never soiled with such a deed.
|
|
-- A.E. Housman
|
|
%
|
|
Who needs companionship when you
|
|
can sit alone in your room and drink?
|
|
%
|
|
Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
|
|
No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
|
|
%
|
|
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
|
|
-- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
|
|
%
|
|
Who to himself is law no law doth need,
|
|
offends no law, and is a king indeed.
|
|
-- George Chapman
|
|
%
|
|
Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
|
|
%
|
|
Who was that masked man?
|
|
%
|
|
Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
|
|
%
|
|
"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
|
|
It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
|
|
%
|
|
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
|
|
become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
|
|
into you.
|
|
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
|
|
become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also
|
|
looks into you.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
|
|
-- Groucho Marx
|
|
%
|
|
Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
|
|
pure in heart can make a good soup.
|
|
-- Ludwig Van Beethoven
|
|
%
|
|
Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
|
|
%
|
|
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
|
|
%
|
|
Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
|
|
-- Bernard Levin
|
|
%
|
|
Who's on first?
|
|
%
|
|
Who's scruffy-looking?
|
|
-- Han Solo
|
|
%
|
|
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
|
|
Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
|
|
%
|
|
Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
|
|
-- Paul Simon
|
|
%
|
|
Why are programmers non-productive?
|
|
Because their time is wasted in meetings.
|
|
|
|
Why are programmers rebellious?
|
|
Because the management interferes too much.
|
|
|
|
Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
|
|
Because they are burnt out.
|
|
|
|
Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
|
|
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
|
|
%
|
|
Why are you so hard to ignore?
|
|
%
|
|
Why are you watching
|
|
The washing machine?
|
|
I love entertainment
|
|
So long as it's clean.
|
|
|
|
Professor Doberman:
|
|
While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
|
|
pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
|
|
improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
|
|
experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
|
|
must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
|
|
fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
|
|
receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
|
|
been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
|
|
meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
|
|
suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
|
|
implications.
|
|
%
|
|
Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
|
|
-- Erik Satie
|
|
%
|
|
Why be a man when you can be a success?
|
|
-- Bertolt Brecht
|
|
%
|
|
Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
|
|
%
|
|
Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
|
|
%
|
|
Why be difficult, when, with just a
|
|
little more effort, you can be impossible?
|
|
%
|
|
Why bother building anymore nuclear
|
|
warheads until we use the ones we have?
|
|
%
|
|
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
|
|
movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
|
|
%
|
|
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
|
|
What's the Latin for office automation?
|
|
%
|
|
Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
|
|
meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
|
|
doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
|
|
corner."
|
|
%
|
|
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
|
|
'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
|
|
%
|
|
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
|
|
It's quite uncanny.
|
|
%
|
|
Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
|
|
%
|
|
Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
|
|
%
|
|
Why do we want intelligent terminals
|
|
when there are so many stupid users?
|
|
%
|
|
Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
|
|
-- Carl Sandburg
|
|
%
|
|
Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
|
|
%
|
|
Why does man kill? He kills for food.
|
|
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
|
|
%
|
|
Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
|
|
-- Jimmy Durante
|
|
%
|
|
Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
|
|
We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
|
|
we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
|
|
pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
|
|
pay the fiddler.
|
|
-- The Best of Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
|
|
-- Alan Shepard, the first American in space
|
|
%
|
|
Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
|
|
kissed her cow.
|
|
-- Rabelais
|
|
%
|
|
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
|
|
|
|
I'd LOVE to, but...
|
|
-- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
|
|
-- None of my socks match.
|
|
-- I'm having all my plants neutered.
|
|
-- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
|
|
-- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
|
|
-- I'm touring China with a wok band.
|
|
-- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
|
|
-- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
|
|
named Basil Metabolism.
|
|
-- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
|
|
-- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
|
|
-- I prefer to remain an enigma.
|
|
-- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
|
|
-- I feel a song coming on.
|
|
%
|
|
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
|
|
|
|
I'd LOVE to, but...
|
|
-- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
|
|
-- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
|
|
-- I'm trying to be less popular.
|
|
-- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
|
|
-- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
|
|
-- My subconscious says no.
|
|
-- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
|
|
can't seem to put it down.
|
|
-- My favorite commercial is on TV.
|
|
-- I have to study for my blood test.
|
|
-- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
|
|
-- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
|
|
-- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
|
|
%
|
|
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
|
|
|
|
I'd LOVE to, but...
|
|
-- I have to floss my cat.
|
|
-- I've dedicated my life to linguine.
|
|
-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
|
|
-- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
|
|
-- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
|
|
-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
|
|
-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
|
|
-- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
|
|
-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
|
|
-- I have some really hard words to look up.
|
|
%
|
|
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
|
|
|
|
I'd LOVE to, but...
|
|
-- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
|
|
-- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
|
|
-- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
|
|
-- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
|
|
-- I have to fulfill my potential.
|
|
-- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
|
|
-- It's too close to the turn of the century.
|
|
-- I have to bleach my hare.
|
|
-- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
|
|
-- I left my body in my other clothes.
|
|
%
|
|
Why I Can't Go Out With You:
|
|
|
|
I'd LOVE to, but...
|
|
-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
|
|
-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
|
|
-- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
|
|
-- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
|
|
-- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
|
|
-- I'm building a plant from a kit.
|
|
-- There's a disturbance in the Force.
|
|
-- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
|
|
-- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
|
|
-- My crayons all melted together.
|
|
%
|
|
Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
|
|
%
|
|
Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
|
|
%
|
|
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
|
|
It is because we are not the person involved.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
%
|
|
Why isn't there some cheap and easy
|
|
way to prove how much she means to me?
|
|
%
|
|
Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
|
|
are another's.
|
|
-- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
|
|
%
|
|
Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
|
|
not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
|
|
Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
|
|
do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
|
|
me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
|
|
I can't think why not.
|
|
-- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
|
|
"The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
|
|
%
|
|
Why not go out on a limb?
|
|
Isn't that where the fruit is?
|
|
%
|
|
Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
|
|
fresh one for a quarter of the price?
|
|
%
|
|
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
|
|
wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
|
|
unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
|
|
not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
|
|
beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
|
|
incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
|
|
into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
|
|
needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
|
|
origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
|
|
we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
|
|
parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
|
|
eternity for his faithlessness.
|
|
-- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
|
|
Fortnightly Review, 1876
|
|
%
|
|
Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
|
|
-- Tom Ryan
|
|
%
|
|
Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
|
|
%
|
|
Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
|
|
-- The Tasmanian Devil
|
|
%
|
|
Wiker's Law:
|
|
Government expands to absorb all
|
|
available revenue and then some.
|
|
%
|
|
Wilcox's Law:
|
|
A pat on the back is only a few
|
|
centimeters from a kick in the pants.
|
|
%
|
|
Will Rogers never met you.
|
|
%
|
|
Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
|
|
That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
|
|
%
|
|
Will your long-winded speeches never end?
|
|
What ails you that you keep on arguing?
|
|
-- Job 16:3
|
|
%
|
|
William Safire's Rules for Writers:
|
|
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice
|
|
should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form.
|
|
Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if
|
|
you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a
|
|
great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A
|
|
writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence
|
|
with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word
|
|
to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place
|
|
pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10
|
|
or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling
|
|
participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a
|
|
sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid
|
|
mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone
|
|
should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
|
|
their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always
|
|
follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;
|
|
seek viable alternatives.
|
|
%
|
|
Williams and Holland's Law:
|
|
If enough data is collected,
|
|
anything may be proven by statistical methods.
|
|
%
|
|
Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
|
|
See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
|
|
Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
|
|
Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
|
|
|
|
Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
|
|
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
|
|
Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
|
|
Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
|
|
|
|
William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
|
|
Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
|
|
Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
|
|
"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
|
|
-- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
|
|
%
|
|
Wilner's Observation:
|
|
All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
|
|
%
|
|
Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
|
|
-- Vince Lombardi
|
|
%
|
|
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
|
|
%
|
|
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
|
|
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
|
|
head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
|
|
-- Robert Byrne
|
|
%
|
|
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
|
|
as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
|
|
%
|
|
[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
|
|
hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
|
|
-- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
|
|
%
|
|
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
|
|
-- J. Winter Smith
|
|
%
|
|
Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
|
|
%
|
|
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
|
|
-- Frank Tyger
|
|
%
|
|
WIT:
|
|
The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
|
|
by leaving it out.
|
|
%
|
|
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
|
|
%
|
|
With all the fancy scientists in the world,
|
|
why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
|
|
%
|
|
With all the talent around, it's sort of
|
|
amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
|
|
-- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
|
|
%
|
|
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
|
|
%
|
|
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
|
|
they make a law it's a joke.
|
|
-- W. Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
|
|
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
|
|
and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
|
|
is no such thing as progress.
|
|
-- Ransom K. Ferm
|
|
%
|
|
With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
|
|
she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
|
|
-- Tolstoy
|
|
%
|
|
With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
|
|
%
|
|
With reasonable men I will reason;
|
|
with humane men I will plead;
|
|
but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
|
|
-- William Lloyd Garrison
|
|
%
|
|
With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
|
|
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
|
|
party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
|
|
eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
|
|
parties.
|
|
"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
|
|
strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
|
|
your G.P.A.?"
|
|
Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
|
|
the city and forty on the highway."
|
|
%
|
|
With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was
|
|
celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus
|
|
party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and
|
|
eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
|
|
parties.
|
|
"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
|
|
strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
|
|
you G.P.A.?"
|
|
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least
|
|
twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!"
|
|
%
|
|
With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
|
|
it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
|
|
close. Like catching snakes.
|
|
-- Marlon Brando
|
|
%
|
|
Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
|
|
%
|
|
Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
|
|
community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
|
|
keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
|
|
Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
|
|
we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
|
|
I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
|
|
them again -- and this time we'd use it.
|
|
-- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
|
|
White House's National Security Council, Washington
|
|
Post, 21 March, 1982
|
|
%
|
|
Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
|
|
-- Alfred North Whitehead
|
|
%
|
|
Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
|
|
way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
|
|
indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
|
|
important to him than his table or his white robe.
|
|
-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
|
|
%
|
|
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
|
|
%
|
|
Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
|
|
%
|
|
Without love intelligence is dangerous;
|
|
without intelligence love is not enough.
|
|
-- Ashley Montagu
|
|
%
|
|
With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
|
|
-- Pink Floyd
|
|
%
|
|
Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
|
|
Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
|
|
The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
|
|
-- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
|
|
%
|
|
Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
|
|
bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
|
|
Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
|
|
%
|
|
WOLF:
|
|
A man who knows all the ankles.
|
|
%
|
|
WOMAN:
|
|
An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
|
|
having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
|
|
-- Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
|
|
Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
|
|
%
|
|
Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
|
|
want to own one.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
|
|
-- Dumas
|
|
%
|
|
Woman is generally so bad that the difference
|
|
between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
|
|
-- Tolstoy
|
|
%
|
|
Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
|
|
Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
|
|
I shall be sober in the morning.
|
|
%
|
|
Woman was God's second mistake.
|
|
-- Nietzsche
|
|
%
|
|
Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
|
|
out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
|
|
equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
|
|
that he might love her.
|
|
-- Henry
|
|
%
|
|
Woman would be more charming if one could
|
|
fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
|
|
-- DeGourmont
|
|
%
|
|
Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
|
|
-- Cervantes
|
|
%
|
|
Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
|
|
they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
|
|
-- Warren Beatty
|
|
%
|
|
Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
|
|
once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
|
|
marriage certificates, and defy you.
|
|
-- Jerrold
|
|
%
|
|
Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
|
|
from charity, or revenge?
|
|
-- Gustave Vapereau
|
|
%
|
|
Women are just like men, only different.
|
|
%
|
|
Women are like elephants to me: I like to
|
|
look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
|
|
-- Herold
|
|
%
|
|
Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
|
|
-- Napoleon
|
|
%
|
|
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
|
|
-- Stephens
|
|
%
|
|
Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
|
|
-- Pogo
|
|
%
|
|
Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
|
|
but it takes more of them to do it.
|
|
%
|
|
Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
|
|
categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
|
|
-- Ann Landers
|
|
%
|
|
Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
|
|
as good as any other.
|
|
-- Philippe De Remi
|
|
%
|
|
Women give themselves to God when the
|
|
Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
|
|
-- Arnould
|
|
%
|
|
Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
|
|
but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
|
|
-- Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
|
|
crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
|
|
-- Ansey
|
|
%
|
|
Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
|
|
In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
|
|
original earth clinging to the roots.
|
|
-- Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
|
|
than men who reason with the head.
|
|
-- DeLescure
|
|
%
|
|
Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
|
|
but never a man who misses one.
|
|
-- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
|
|
%
|
|
Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
|
|
us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
|
|
-- Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
|
|
them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
|
|
than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
|
|
-- Mort Sahl
|
|
%
|
|
Women waste men's lives and think they have
|
|
indemnified them by a few gracious words.
|
|
-- Honore de Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
Women, when they are not in love, have all
|
|
the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
|
|
-- Honore de Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
|
|
always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
|
|
-- Honore de Balzac
|
|
%
|
|
Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
|
|
%
|
|
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
|
|
%
|
|
Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
|
|
not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
|
|
graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
|
|
-- Amiel
|
|
%
|
|
Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
|
|
%
|
|
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
|
|
-- Cornelia Otis Skinner
|
|
%
|
|
Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
|
|
and philosophy begins in wonder.
|
|
Socrates, quoting Plato
|
|
%
|
|
Wonderful day.
|
|
Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
|
|
%
|
|
Woodward's Law:
|
|
A theory is better than its explanation.
|
|
%
|
|
Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
|
|
Let's just cut to the happy ending.
|
|
-- Cheers, Airport V
|
|
|
|
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
|
|
Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
|
|
-- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
|
|
|
|
Sam: Beer, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
|
|
-- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
|
|
%
|
|
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
|
|
Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
|
|
-- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
|
|
|
|
Sam: What are you up to Norm?
|
|
Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
|
|
-- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
|
|
|
|
Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
|
|
Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
|
|
-- Cheers, Loverboyd
|
|
%
|
|
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
|
|
Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
|
|
-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
|
|
|
|
Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
|
|
swallowed the canary.
|
|
Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
|
|
-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
|
|
|
|
Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
|
|
-- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
|
|
%
|
|
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
|
|
Norm: The warranty on my liver.
|
|
-- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
|
|
|
|
Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
|
|
Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
|
|
-- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
|
|
|
|
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
|
|
-- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
|
|
%
|
|
Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: Poor.
|
|
Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
|
|
Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
|
|
-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
|
|
|
|
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
|
|
Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
|
|
-- Cheers, The Proposal
|
|
|
|
Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
|
|
Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
|
|
-- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
|
|
%
|
|
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
|
|
-- Cheers, Paint Your Office
|
|
|
|
Sam: How's life treating you?
|
|
Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
|
|
-- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
|
|
|
|
Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
|
|
Woody: For a beer?
|
|
Norm: No, for stupid questions.
|
|
-- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
|
|
%
|
|
Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
|
|
-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
|
|
|
|
Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
|
|
Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
|
|
-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
|
|
|
|
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
|
|
Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
|
|
Eh, make that one-thirty.
|
|
-- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
|
|
%
|
|
Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
|
|
People would rather live with a problem they cannot
|
|
solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
|
|
%
|
|
Words are the voice of the heart.
|
|
%
|
|
Words can never express what words can never express.
|
|
%
|
|
Words have a longer life than deeds.
|
|
-- Pindar
|
|
%
|
|
Words must be weighed, not counted.
|
|
%
|
|
WORK:
|
|
The blessed respite from screaming kids and
|
|
soap operas for which you actually get paid.
|
|
%
|
|
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
|
|
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Work continues in this area.
|
|
-- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
|
|
%
|
|
Work expands to fill the time available.
|
|
-- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
|
|
%
|
|
Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
|
|
the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
|
|
to do so.
|
|
-- Bertrand Russell
|
|
%
|
|
Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
|
|
-- Schulz
|
|
%
|
|
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
|
|
-- Mike Romanoff
|
|
%
|
|
Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
|
|
a handshake, and have fun.
|
|
-- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
|
|
shortly before dying at the age of 86.
|
|
%
|
|
Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
|
|
%
|
|
Work without a vision is slavery,
|
|
Vision without work is a pipe dream,
|
|
But vision with work is the hope of the world.
|
|
%
|
|
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
|
|
a valentine.
|
|
-- Christopher Plummer
|
|
%
|
|
World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
|
|
since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
|
|
thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
|
|
-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
|
|
together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
|
|
error in the world."
|
|
-- Sydney Harris
|
|
%
|
|
Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
|
|
It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
|
|
%
|
|
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
|
|
August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
|
|
-- Steve Rubenstein
|
|
%
|
|
Worst Month of the Year:
|
|
February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
|
|
you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
|
|
don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
|
|
-- Steve Rubenstein
|
|
%
|
|
Worst Vegetable of the Year:
|
|
Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
|
|
-- Steve Rubenstein
|
|
%
|
|
Worth seeing?
|
|
Yes, but not worth going to see.
|
|
%
|
|
Worthless.
|
|
-- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
|
|
(Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
|
|
Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
|
|
"analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
|
|
15, 1842.
|
|
%
|
|
WOTD:
|
|
|
|
`
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
|
|
-- Princess Leia Organa
|
|
%
|
|
Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
|
|
-- Alfieri
|
|
%
|
|
Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
|
|
%
|
|
Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
|
|
%
|
|
Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
|
|
%
|
|
Would you like to be tried in court by people
|
|
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?
|
|
%
|
|
Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
|
|
%
|
|
Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
|
|
stuff....
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
|
|
testimony, 1947
|
|
%
|
|
Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
|
|
-- George Carlin
|
|
%
|
|
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
|
|
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
|
|
a turn-on?
|
|
-- "Broadcast News"
|
|
%
|
|
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
|
|
-- Mark Twain
|
|
%
|
|
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
|
|
-- Anonymous
|
|
%
|
|
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
|
|
%
|
|
WRITE-PROTECT TAB:
|
|
A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
|
|
left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
|
|
message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs
|
|
the momentary inconvenience.
|
|
-- Robb Russon
|
|
%
|
|
write-protect tab, n:
|
|
A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
|
|
by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
|
|
once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
|
|
inconvenience.
|
|
-- Robb Russon
|
|
%
|
|
Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
|
|
witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
|
|
from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
|
|
Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
|
|
and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
|
|
make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
|
|
century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
|
|
Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
|
|
PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
|
|
holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
|
|
is itself the one hope for salvation.
|
|
-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
|
|
%
|
|
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
|
|
%
|
|
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
|
|
paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
|
|
-- Gene Fowler
|
|
%
|
|
Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
|
|
-- J.P. Donleavy
|
|
%
|
|
Writing software is more fun than working.
|
|
%
|
|
WRONG!
|
|
%
|
|
WYSIWYG:
|
|
What You See Is What You Get.
|
|
%
|
|
X windows:
|
|
Accept any substitute.
|
|
If it's broke, don't fix it.
|
|
If it ain't broke, fix it.
|
|
Form follows malfunction.
|
|
The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
|
|
The trailing edge of software technology.
|
|
Armageddon never looked so good.
|
|
Japan's secret weapon.
|
|
You'll envy the dead.
|
|
Making the world safe for competing window systems.
|
|
Let it get in YOUR way.
|
|
The problem for your problem.
|
|
If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
|
|
It could be worse, but it'll take time.
|
|
Simplicity made complex.
|
|
The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
|
|
Flakey and built to stay that way.
|
|
|
|
One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
|
|
X windows.
|
|
%
|
|
X windows:
|
|
It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
|
|
The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
|
|
Built to take on the world... and lose!
|
|
Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
|
|
Power tools for Power Fools.
|
|
Putting new limits on productivity.
|
|
The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
|
|
Design by counterexample.
|
|
A new level of software disintegration.
|
|
No hardware is safe.
|
|
Do your time.
|
|
Rationalization, not realization.
|
|
Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
|
|
Gratuitous incompatibility.
|
|
Your mother.
|
|
THE user interference management system.
|
|
You can't argue with failure.
|
|
You haven't died 'til you've used it.
|
|
|
|
The environment of today... tomorrow!
|
|
X windows.
|
|
%
|
|
X windows:
|
|
Something you can be ashamed of.
|
|
30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
|
|
The first fully modular software disaster.
|
|
Rome was destroyed in a day.
|
|
Warn your friends about it.
|
|
Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
|
|
An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
|
|
Don't wait for the movie.
|
|
Never use it after a big meal.
|
|
Need we say less?
|
|
Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
|
|
It'll make your day.
|
|
Don't get frustrated without it.
|
|
Power tools for power losers.
|
|
A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
|
|
Never had it. Never will.
|
|
The software with no visible means of support.
|
|
More than just a generation behind.
|
|
|
|
Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
|
|
X windows.
|
|
%
|
|
X windows:
|
|
The ultimate bottleneck.
|
|
Flawed beyond belief.
|
|
The only thing you have to fear.
|
|
Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
|
|
On autopilot to oblivion.
|
|
The joke that kills.
|
|
A disgrace you can be proud of.
|
|
A mistake carried out to perfection.
|
|
Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
|
|
To err is X windows.
|
|
Ignorance is our most important resource.
|
|
Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
|
|
Built to fall apart.
|
|
Nullifying centuries of progress.
|
|
Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
|
|
The last thing you need.
|
|
The defacto substandard.
|
|
|
|
Elevating brain damage to an art form.
|
|
X windows.
|
|
%
|
|
X windows:
|
|
We will dump no core before its time.
|
|
One good crash deserves another.
|
|
A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
|
|
We make excuses.
|
|
It didn't even look good on paper.
|
|
You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
|
|
A new concept in abuser interfaces.
|
|
How can something get so bad, so quickly?
|
|
It could happen to you.
|
|
The art of incompetence.
|
|
You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
|
|
When uselessness just isn't enough.
|
|
More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
|
|
When you can't afford to be right.
|
|
And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
|
|
|
|
If it works, it isn't X windows.
|
|
%
|
|
X windows:
|
|
You'd better sit down.
|
|
Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
|
|
Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
|
|
Live the nightmare.
|
|
Our bugs run faster.
|
|
When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
|
|
There ARE no rules.
|
|
You'll wish we were kidding.
|
|
Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
|
|
Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
|
|
There's got to be a better way.
|
|
The next best thing to keypunching.
|
|
Leave the thrashing to us.
|
|
We wrote the book on core dumps.
|
|
Even your dog won't like it.
|
|
More than enough rope.
|
|
Garbage at your fingertips.
|
|
|
|
Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
|
|
X windows.
|
|
%
|
|
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
|
|
%
|
|
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
|
|
%
|
|
XEROX never does anything original.
|
|
%
|
|
XI:
|
|
If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
|
|
get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
|
|
times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
|
|
the managers would fly off.
|
|
XII:
|
|
It costs a lot to build bad products.
|
|
XIII:
|
|
There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
|
|
There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
|
|
intermingle the two.
|
|
XIV:
|
|
After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
|
|
be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
|
|
of every airplane's weight.
|
|
XV:
|
|
The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
|
|
and two-thirds of the problems.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
XLI:
|
|
The more one produces, the less one gets.
|
|
XLII:
|
|
Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
|
|
XLIII:
|
|
Hardware works best when it matters the least.
|
|
XLIV:
|
|
Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
|
|
direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
|
|
additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
|
|
XLV:
|
|
One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
|
|
unexpected should have been expected.
|
|
XLVI:
|
|
A billion saved is a billion earned.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
XLVII:
|
|
Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
|
|
third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
|
|
XLVIII:
|
|
The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
|
|
less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
|
|
Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
|
|
until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
|
|
XLIX:
|
|
Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
|
|
L:
|
|
The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
|
|
chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
|
|
as long as the official's who created it.
|
|
LI:
|
|
By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
|
|
government workers than there are workers.
|
|
LII:
|
|
People working in the private sector should try to save money.
|
|
There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
|
|
they leave to the imagination is the plot.
|
|
%
|
|
XVI:
|
|
In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
|
|
aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
|
|
Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
|
|
made available to the Marines for the extra day.
|
|
XVII:
|
|
Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
|
|
and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
|
|
XVIII:
|
|
It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
|
|
to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
|
|
ten degradation accomplished.
|
|
XIX:
|
|
Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
|
|
be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
|
|
XX:
|
|
In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
|
|
approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
|
|
administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
XXI:
|
|
It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
|
|
XXII:
|
|
If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
|
|
not selling advice.
|
|
XXIII:
|
|
Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
|
|
currently estimated.
|
|
XXIV:
|
|
The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
|
|
established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
|
|
costly action known to man.
|
|
XXV:
|
|
A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
|
|
or a new canvas to an artist.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
XXVI:
|
|
If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
|
|
other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
|
|
XXVII:
|
|
Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
|
|
XXVIII:
|
|
It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
|
|
XXIX:
|
|
Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
|
|
jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
|
|
hang on about half a decade.
|
|
XXX:
|
|
By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
|
|
the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
XXXI:
|
|
The optimum committee has no members.
|
|
XXXII:
|
|
Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
|
|
turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
|
|
XXXIII:
|
|
Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
|
|
XXXIV:
|
|
The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
|
|
is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
|
|
randomly.
|
|
XXXV:
|
|
The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
|
|
the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
|
|
the data authenticity.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
XXXVI:
|
|
The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
|
|
contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
|
|
proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
|
|
at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
|
|
XXXVII:
|
|
Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
|
|
The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
|
|
XXXVIII:
|
|
The early bird gets the worm.
|
|
The early worm ... gets eaten.
|
|
XXXIX:
|
|
Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
|
|
the year -- in either direction.
|
|
XL:
|
|
Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
|
|
-- Norman Augustine
|
|
%
|
|
Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
|
|
%
|
|
Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
|
|
goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
|
|
their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
|
|
unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
|
|
doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
|
|
-- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
|
|
%
|
|
Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
|
|
rays and became a tangent ?
|
|
%
|
|
Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
|
|
-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
|
|
%
|
|
Yea from the table of my memory
|
|
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
|
|
-- Hamlet
|
|
%
|
|
Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
|
|
%
|
|
Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
|
|
a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
|
|
%
|
|
Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
|
|
the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
|
|
a private eye.
|
|
-- Calvin
|
|
%
|
|
Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
|
|
but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
|
|
%
|
|
YEAR:
|
|
A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
|
|
%
|
|
Year Name James Bond Book
|
|
---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
|
|
50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
|
|
1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
|
|
1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
|
|
1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
|
|
1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
|
|
1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
|
|
1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
|
|
1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
|
|
1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
|
|
1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
|
|
1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
|
|
1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
|
|
1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
|
|
1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
|
|
1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
|
|
1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
|
|
1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
|
|
1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
|
|
* -- Not a Broccoli production.
|
|
%
|
|
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
|
|
%
|
|
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
|
|
%
|
|
Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
|
|
L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
|
|
-- Rita Rudner
|
|
%
|
|
Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
|
|
And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
|
|
Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
|
|
But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
|
|
Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
|
|
I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
|
|
-- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
|
|
%
|
|
Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
|
|
the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
|
|
%
|
|
Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
|
|
that order.
|
|
-- Jeffrey Honig
|
|
%
|
|
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
|
|
Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
|
|
Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
|
|
-- Snoopy
|
|
%
|
|
Yesterday upon the stair
|
|
I met a man who wasn't there.
|
|
He wasn't there again today --
|
|
I think he's from the CIA.
|
|
%
|
|
Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
|
|
astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
|
|
I'm not respectable.
|
|
-- Ruthven Campbell Todd
|
|
%
|
|
Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
|
|
feet.
|
|
-- John Cheever
|
|
%
|
|
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
|
|
%
|
|
YINKEL:
|
|
A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
|
|
hoping no one will notice.
|
|
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
|
|
%
|
|
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
|
|
%
|
|
You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
|
|
spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
|
|
%
|
|
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
|
|
%
|
|
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
|
|
%
|
|
You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
|
|
use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
|
|
the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
|
|
moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
|
|
%
|
|
You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
|
|
-- Philip Whalen
|
|
%
|
|
You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
|
|
-- Sherlock Holmes
|
|
%
|
|
You are always busy.
|
|
%
|
|
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
|
|
%
|
|
You are an insult to my intelligence!
|
|
I demand that you log off immediately.
|
|
%
|
|
You are as I am with You.
|
|
%
|
|
You are capable of planning your future.
|
|
%
|
|
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
|
|
%
|
|
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
|
|
%
|
|
You are destined to become the commandant of the
|
|
fighting men of the department of transportation.
|
|
%
|
|
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
|
|
%
|
|
You are fairminded, just and loving.
|
|
%
|
|
You are false data.
|
|
%
|
|
You are farsighted, a good planner,
|
|
an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
|
|
%
|
|
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
|
|
%
|
|
You are going to have a new love affair.
|
|
%
|
|
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
|
|
%
|
|
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
|
|
%
|
|
You are in the hall of the mountain king.
|
|
%
|
|
You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
|
|
%
|
|
You are loved by the multitudes.
|
|
Have you been to the clinic lately?
|
|
%
|
|
You are magnetic in your bearing.
|
|
%
|
|
You are never given a wish without also being given the
|
|
power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
|
|
-- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
|
|
the Advanced Soul"
|
|
%
|
|
You are not a fool just because you have done
|
|
something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
|
|
%
|
|
You are not dead yet.
|
|
But watch for further reports.
|
|
%
|
|
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
|
|
forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
|
|
avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce
|
|
%
|
|
You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
|
|
Please set your clocks back 200 years.
|
|
%
|
|
You are number 6! Who is number one?
|
|
%
|
|
"You are old, father William," the young man said,
|
|
"And your hair has become very white;
|
|
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
|
|
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
|
|
|
|
"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
|
|
"I feared it might injure the brain;
|
|
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
|
|
Why, I do it again and again."
|
|
|
|
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
|
|
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
|
|
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
|
|
Pray what is the reason of that?"
|
|
|
|
"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
|
|
"I kept all my limbs very supple
|
|
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
|
|
Allow me to sell you a couple?"
|
|
%
|
|
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
|
|
For anything tougher than suet;
|
|
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
|
|
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
|
|
|
|
"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
|
|
And argued each case with my wife;
|
|
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
|
|
Has lasted the rest of my life."
|
|
|
|
"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
|
|
That your eye was as steady as ever;
|
|
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
|
|
What made you so awfully clever?"
|
|
|
|
"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
|
|
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
|
|
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
|
|
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
|
|
%
|
|
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
|
|
%
|
|
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
|
|
Therefore you have few friends.
|
|
%
|
|
You are sick, twisted and perverted.
|
|
I like that in a person.
|
|
%
|
|
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
|
|
%
|
|
"You are *so* lovely."
|
|
"Yes."
|
|
"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
|
|
%
|
|
You are standing on my toes.
|
|
%
|
|
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
|
|
%
|
|
You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
|
|
points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
|
|
attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
|
|
chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
|
|
gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
|
|
rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
|
|
trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
|
|
vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
|
|
long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
|
|
dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
|
|
head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
|
|
are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
|
|
transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
|
|
to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
|
|
|
|
You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
|
|
That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
|
|
To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
|
|
%
|
|
You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
|
|
but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
|
|
%
|
|
You ask what a nice girl will do?
|
|
She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
|
|
-- Marcus Valerius Martialis
|
|
%
|
|
You attempt things that you do not even plan
|
|
because of your extreme stupidity.
|
|
%
|
|
You auto buy now.
|
|
%
|
|
"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
|
|
"Sure. Whaddya got?"
|
|
-- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
|
|
%
|
|
You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
|
|
%
|
|
You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
|
|
peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
|
|
municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
|
|
courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
|
|
supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
|
|
reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
|
|
between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
|
|
than a twenty-dollar bill.
|
|
-- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
|
|
%
|
|
You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
|
|
-- Tim Leary
|
|
%
|
|
You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
|
|
%
|
|
You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
|
|
They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
|
|
%
|
|
You can be replaced by this computer.
|
|
%
|
|
You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
|
|
-- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
|
|
%
|
|
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
|
|
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
|
|
-- Hepler, CS, University of Washington
|
|
%
|
|
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
|
|
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
|
|
-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
|
|
%
|
|
You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
|
|
know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
|
|
they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
|
|
they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
|
|
-- Quentin Genter
|
|
%
|
|
You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
|
|
-- Boris Yeltsin
|
|
%
|
|
You can cage a swallow, can't you,
|
|
but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
|
|
Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
|
|
finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
|
|
A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
|
|
-- The Palindromist
|
|
%
|
|
You can create your own opportunities this week.
|
|
Blackmail a senior executive.
|
|
%
|
|
You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
|
|
-- Janis Joplin
|
|
%
|
|
You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
|
|
Why do you find that funny?
|
|
-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
|
|
%
|
|
You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
|
|
Why do you find that funny?
|
|
-- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington
|
|
%
|
|
You can do very well in speculation where
|
|
land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
|
|
%
|
|
You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
|
|
%
|
|
You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
|
|
and the budget is big enough.
|
|
-- Joseph E. Levine
|
|
%
|
|
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
|
|
of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
|
|
%
|
|
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
|
|
and all of the people some of the time,
|
|
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
|
|
%
|
|
You can fool some of the people some of the time,
|
|
and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
|
|
%
|
|
You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
|
|
%
|
|
You can get everything in life you want,
|
|
if you will help enough other people get what they want.
|
|
%
|
|
You can get much further with a kind word and a
|
|
gun than you can with a kind word alone.
|
|
-- Al Capone
|
|
[Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
|
|
%
|
|
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
|
|
%
|
|
You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
|
|
You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
|
|
|
|
(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
|
|
Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
|
|
|
|
You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
|
|
You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
|
|
(chorus)
|
|
|
|
You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
|
|
You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
|
|
(chorus)
|
|
%
|
|
You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
|
|
if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
|
|
your dog.
|
|
-- foolin' around
|
|
%
|
|
You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
|
|
Don't ever count on having both at once.
|
|
-- Lazarus Long
|
|
%
|
|
You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
|
|
-- Joe Valachi
|
|
%
|
|
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
|
|
get him to float on his back, you've got something.
|
|
%
|
|
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
|
|
for instance.
|
|
-- Franklin P. Jones
|
|
%
|
|
You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular.
|
|
%
|
|
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
|
|
%
|
|
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting
|
|
his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.
|
|
%
|
|
You can move the world with an idea,
|
|
but you have to think of it first.
|
|
%
|
|
You can never do just one thing.
|
|
-- Hardin
|
|
%
|
|
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
|
|
%
|
|
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
|
|
%
|
|
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
|
|
-- Jeannette Rankin
|
|
%
|
|
You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
|
|
-- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
|
|
|
|
What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
|
|
-- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
|
|
|
|
You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
|
|
-- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
|
|
%
|
|
You can now buy more gates with less
|
|
specifications than at any other time in history.
|
|
-- Kenneth Parker
|
|
%
|
|
You can observe a lot just by watching.
|
|
-- Yogi Berra
|
|
%
|
|
You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
|
|
%
|
|
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
|
|
decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
|
|
over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
|
|
-- F. Allen
|
|
%
|
|
You can tell how far we have to go,
|
|
when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
|
|
-- Steven Feiner
|
|
%
|
|
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
|
|
-- Norman Douglas
|
|
%
|
|
You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
|
|
-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
|
|
%
|
|
You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
|
|
I've got to have thirty minutes!
|
|
%
|
|
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
|
|
%
|
|
You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
|
|
But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
|
|
-- Nathalia Crane
|
|
%
|
|
You cannot have a science without measurement.
|
|
-- R. W. Hamming
|
|
%
|
|
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
|
|
%
|
|
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
|
|
%
|
|
You cannot see the wood for the trees.
|
|
-- John Heywood
|
|
%
|
|
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
|
|
-- Indira Gandhi
|
|
%
|
|
You cannot use your friends and have them too.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't cheat an honest man, never give
|
|
a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
|
|
-- W.C. Fields
|
|
%
|
|
You can't cheat the phone company.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon, 1952
|
|
%
|
|
You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
|
|
-- Peter Frampton
|
|
%
|
|
You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
|
|
-- H.H. Munro
|
|
%
|
|
"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
|
|
Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
|
|
she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
|
|
children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
|
|
-- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
|
|
%
|
|
You can't fall off the floor.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't get there from here.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
|
|
-- Steven Wright
|
|
%
|
|
You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
|
|
-- Ayn Rand
|
|
%
|
|
You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
|
|
only sooner than she thought you would.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
|
|
is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
|
|
-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
|
|
%
|
|
You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
|
|
-- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
|
|
%
|
|
You can't push on a string.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't run away forever,
|
|
But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
|
|
-- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
|
|
%
|
|
You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
|
|
new way.
|
|
-- Will Rogers
|
|
%
|
|
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
|
|
You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
|
|
-- Lauren Bacall
|
|
%
|
|
You can't take damsel here now.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't take it with you --
|
|
especially when crossing a state line.
|
|
%
|
|
You can't teach people to be lazy --
|
|
either they have it, or they don't.
|
|
-- Dagwood Bumstead
|
|
%
|
|
You can't underestimate the power of fear.
|
|
-- Tricia Nixon Cox
|
|
%
|
|
You climb to reach the summit, but once
|
|
there, discover that all roads lead down.
|
|
-- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
|
|
%
|
|
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
|
|
didn't need the first and last month in advance.
|
|
%
|
|
You could live a better life, if you
|
|
had a better mind and a better body.
|
|
%
|
|
You couldn't even prove the White House
|
|
staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
|
|
-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
|
|
%
|
|
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
|
|
%
|
|
You dialed 5483.
|
|
%
|
|
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
|
|
%
|
|
You do not have mail.
|
|
%
|
|
You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
|
|
%
|
|
You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
|
|
if you're not planning on coming back down.
|
|
-- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
|
|
%
|
|
You don't have to explain something you never said.
|
|
-- Calvin Coolidge
|
|
%
|
|
You don't have to know how the computer
|
|
works, just how to work the computer.
|
|
%
|
|
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
|
|
-- J.D. Salinger
|
|
%
|
|
You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
|
|
-- Guindon
|
|
%
|
|
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
|
|
reason to eat with knitting needles.
|
|
-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
|
|
%
|
|
You enjoy the company of other people.
|
|
%
|
|
You feel a whole lot more like you do
|
|
now than you did when you used to.
|
|
%
|
|
You fill a much-needed gap.
|
|
%
|
|
You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
|
|
what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
|
|
-- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
|
|
%
|
|
You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for
|
|
an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey?
|
|
-- Brillat-Savarin
|
|
%
|
|
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
|
|
%
|
|
You get what you pay for.
|
|
-- Gabriel Biel
|
|
%
|
|
You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
|
|
from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
|
|
-- Goethe
|
|
%
|
|
You go down to the pickup station,
|
|
craving warmth and beauty;
|
|
You settle for less than fascination --
|
|
a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
|
|
And the closing lights strip off the shadows
|
|
on this strange new flesh you've found --
|
|
Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
|
|
you hurry to the blackness
|
|
and the blankets to lay down an impression
|
|
and your loneliness.
|
|
-- Joni Mitchell
|
|
%
|
|
You got to be very careful if you don't know
|
|
where you're going, because you might not get there.
|
|
-- Yogi Berra
|
|
%
|
|
You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
|
|
And you know it don't come easy ...
|
|
I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
|
|
And you know it don't come easy ...
|
|
%
|
|
You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
|
|
Now it's our turn.
|
|
-- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
|
|
%
|
|
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
|
|
%
|
|
You had mail.
|
|
Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
|
|
%
|
|
You had some happiness once,
|
|
but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
|
|
%
|
|
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
|
|
%
|
|
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
|
|
%
|
|
You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
|
|
%
|
|
You have a message from the operator.
|
|
%
|
|
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
|
|
A pity that it's totally undeserved.
|
|
%
|
|
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
|
|
%
|
|
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
|
|
%
|
|
You have a strong desire for a home
|
|
and your family interests come first.
|
|
%
|
|
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
|
|
%
|
|
You have a truly strong individuality.
|
|
%
|
|
You have a will that can be influenced
|
|
by all with whom you come in contact.
|
|
%
|
|
You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
|
|
-- Lois Platford
|
|
%
|
|
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
|
|
a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
|
|
-- Aristophanes
|
|
%
|
|
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
|
|
%
|
|
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
|
|
%
|
|
You have an unusual equipment for success.
|
|
Be sure to use it properly.
|
|
%
|
|
You have an unusual understanding of
|
|
the problems of human relationships.
|
|
%
|
|
You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
|
|
-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
|
|
%
|
|
You have been selected for a secret mission.
|
|
%
|
|
You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
|
|
%
|
|
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
|
|
%
|
|
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
|
|
%
|
|
You have mail.
|
|
%
|
|
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
|
|
%
|
|
You have no real enemies.
|
|
%
|
|
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
|
|
-- John Viscount Morley
|
|
%
|
|
You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
|
|
and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
|
|
%
|
|
You have taken yourself too seriously.
|
|
%
|
|
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
|
|
You'll learn a lot today.
|
|
%
|
|
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
|
|
%
|
|
You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
|
|
If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
|
|
-- Lewis Carroll
|
|
%
|
|
You humans are all alike.
|
|
%
|
|
You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
|
|
at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
|
|
simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
|
|
%
|
|
You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
|
|
-- Dylan Thomas
|
|
%
|
|
You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
|
|
-- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
|
|
%
|
|
You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
|
|
-- Superchicken
|
|
%
|
|
You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
|
|
you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
|
|
and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
|
|
%
|
|
You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
|
|
-- Maharbal
|
|
%
|
|
You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
|
|
start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
|
|
-- Dean Webber
|
|
%
|
|
You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
|
|
-- Garfield
|
|
%
|
|
You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
|
|
You're not a kid at thirty-three,
|
|
You play around you lose your wife,
|
|
You play too long, you lose your life.
|
|
Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
|
|
Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
|
|
%
|
|
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
|
|
are now extinct.
|
|
-- M. Somerset Maugham
|
|
%
|
|
You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
|
|
almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
|
|
like that all the time.
|
|
-- Stephen Wright
|
|
%
|
|
You know, the difference between this company and
|
|
the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
|
|
%
|
|
You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
|
|
on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
|
|
-- Richard Nixon
|
|
%
|
|
You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
|
|
and I had my hands about it.
|
|
-- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
|
|
%
|
|
You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
|
|
is revenge.
|
|
-- Peter Beard
|
|
%
|
|
You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
|
|
next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
|
|
him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
|
|
meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
|
|
-- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
|
|
%%
|
|
I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
|
|
highly trained certified public accountants.
|
|
-- Elvis Presley
|
|
%
|
|
You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
|
|
-- E.A. Gilliam
|
|
%
|
|
You know your apartment is small...
|
|
when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
|
|
you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
|
|
you have to go outside to change your mind.
|
|
you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
|
|
%
|
|
You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
|
|
daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
|
|
mother is allowed to take.
|
|
%
|
|
You know you're in a small town when...
|
|
You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
|
|
You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
|
|
merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
|
|
Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
|
|
You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
|
|
You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
|
|
You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
|
|
%
|
|
You know you're in trouble when...
|
|
1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
|
|
2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
|
|
3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
|
|
out of the city.
|
|
4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
|
|
5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
|
|
remember that you don't have a waterbed.
|
|
6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
|
|
%
|
|
You know you're in trouble when...
|
|
1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
|
|
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
|
|
2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
|
|
and there aren't any.
|
|
3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
|
|
4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
|
|
5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
|
|
6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
|
|
%
|
|
You know you're in trouble when...
|
|
(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
|
|
her own business.
|
|
(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
|
|
(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
|
|
(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
|
|
(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
|
|
(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
|
|
flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
|
|
(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
|
|
%
|
|
You know you're in trouble when...
|
|
(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
|
|
skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
|
|
(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
|
|
(3) Your income tax check bounces.
|
|
(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
|
|
(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
|
|
(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
|
|
after you bought a waterbed.
|
|
(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
|
|
clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
|
|
for your spouse.
|
|
%
|
|
You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
|
|
when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
|
|
make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
|
|
chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
|
|
%
|
|
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
|
|
%
|
|
You learn to write as if to someone else
|
|
because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
|
|
%
|
|
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
|
|
%
|
|
You lived with a man who wore white belts?
|
|
Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
|
|
-- Remington Steele
|
|
%
|
|
You look tired.
|
|
%
|
|
You love peace.
|
|
%
|
|
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
|
|
%
|
|
You may already be a loser.
|
|
-- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
|
|
%
|
|
You may be gone tomorrow, but that
|
|
doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
|
|
%
|
|
You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
|
|
but you're infinitely larger than others.
|
|
%
|
|
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
|
|
%
|
|
You may be right, I may be crazy,
|
|
But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
|
|
-- Billy Joel
|
|
%
|
|
You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
|
|
That a young man married is a young man marred.
|
|
-- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
|
|
%
|
|
You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
|
|
%
|
|
You may have heard that a dean is
|
|
to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
|
|
-- Alfred Kahn
|
|
%
|
|
You may my glories and my state dispose,
|
|
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
|
|
%
|
|
You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
|
|
you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
|
|
%
|
|
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
|
|
be sold.
|
|
%
|
|
You mean you didn't *know* she was off
|
|
making lots of little phone companies?
|
|
%
|
|
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
|
|
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
|
|
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
|
|
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
|
|
%
|
|
You might have mail.
|
|
%
|
|
You must dine in our cafeteria.
|
|
You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
|
|
%
|
|
You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
|
|
and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
|
|
and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
|
|
bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
|
|
paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
|
|
cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
|
|
gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
|
|
prosecution for perjury and fraud.
|
|
-- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
|
|
%
|
|
You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
|
|
to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
|
|
are merely deputies of that one.
|
|
-- Nero Wolfe
|
|
%
|
|
You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
|
|
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
|
|
%
|
|
You need more time; and you probably always will.
|
|
%
|
|
You need no longer worry about the future.
|
|
This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
|
|
%
|
|
You need not worry about your future.
|
|
%
|
|
You never gain something but that you lose something.
|
|
-- Thoreau
|
|
%
|
|
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
|
|
%
|
|
You never go anywhere without your soul.
|
|
%
|
|
You never have to change anything you
|
|
got up in the middle of the night to write.
|
|
-- Saul Bellow
|
|
%
|
|
You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will
|
|
tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching
|
|
these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show
|
|
advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for,
|
|
even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants
|
|
Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better
|
|
get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's
|
|
antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies
|
|
until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the
|
|
right gift.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
|
|
%
|
|
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
|
|
%
|
|
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
|
|
-- William Blake
|
|
%
|
|
You never learned anything by doing it right.
|
|
%
|
|
You never realize how many friends you
|
|
have until you rent a house at the beach.
|
|
%
|
|
You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
|
|
got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
|
|
"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
|
|
with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
|
|
guys were getting stoned!
|
|
-- Johnny Carson
|
|
%
|
|
You now have Asian Flu.
|
|
%
|
|
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
|
|
%
|
|
You plan things that you do not even
|
|
attempt because of your extreme caution.
|
|
%
|
|
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
|
|
%
|
|
You prefer the company of the opposite
|
|
sex, but are well liked by your own.
|
|
%
|
|
You probably wouldn't worry about what people
|
|
think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
|
|
-- Olin Miller
|
|
%
|
|
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
|
|
%
|
|
You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
|
|
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
|
|
%
|
|
You say potatoe,
|
|
And I say potato.
|
|
You say tomatoe,
|
|
And I say tomato.
|
|
Potatoe, potato,
|
|
Tomatoe, tomato.
|
|
Let's go be the Vice President...
|
|
%
|
|
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
|
|
%
|
|
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
|
|
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
|
|
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
|
|
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
|
|
alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
|
|
Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
|
|
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
|
|
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
|
|
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
|
|
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
|
|
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
|
|
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
|
|
the useful ones.
|
|
-- Sherlock Holmes
|
|
%
|
|
You see things; and you say "Why?"
|
|
But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
|
|
[No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
|
|
his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
|
|
understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
|
|
signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
|
|
there is no cat.
|
|
-- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
|
|
%
|
|
You seek to shield those you love
|
|
and you like the role of the provider.
|
|
%
|
|
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
|
|
%
|
|
You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
|
|
-- Joseph Conrad
|
|
%
|
|
You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
|
|
%
|
|
You should go home.
|
|
%
|
|
You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
|
|
incest and folk-dancing.
|
|
-- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
|
|
%
|
|
You should never bet against anything in science at
|
|
odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one.
|
|
-- E. Rutherford
|
|
%
|
|
You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
|
|
because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
|
|
-- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
|
|
%
|
|
You should never wear your best trousers
|
|
when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
|
|
-- Henrik Ibsen
|
|
%
|
|
You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
|
|
-- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
|
|
%
|
|
You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
|
|
your feet in it and swish them around a little.
|
|
-- Guindon
|
|
%
|
|
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
|
|
%
|
|
You teach best what you most need to learn.
|
|
%
|
|
YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
|
|
|
|
Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
|
|
a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
|
|
important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
|
|
|
|
Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
|
|
to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
|
|
make really big Zorkmids."
|
|
|
|
MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
|
|
you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
|
|
|
|
SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
|
|
%
|
|
You tread upon my patience.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
|
|
%
|
|
You two ought to be more careful--
|
|
your love could drag on for years and years.
|
|
%
|
|
You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
|
|
Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
|
|
-- W.G.
|
|
%
|
|
You will always find something in the last place you look.
|
|
%
|
|
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
|
|
%
|
|
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
|
|
%
|
|
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be advanced socially,
|
|
without any special effort on your part.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be aided greatly by a person
|
|
whom you thought to be unimportant.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be awarded some great honor.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be dead within a year.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be divorced within a year.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be honored for contributing
|
|
your time and skill to a worthy cause.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be imprisoned for contributing
|
|
your time and skill to a bank robbery.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be married within a year.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be run over by a beer truck.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be run over by a bus.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be successful in love.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be surrounded by luxury.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
|
|
%
|
|
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
|
|
%
|
|
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
|
|
%
|
|
You will contract a rare disease.
|
|
%
|
|
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
|
|
%
|
|
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
|
|
%
|
|
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
|
|
%
|
|
You will find me drinking gin
|
|
In the lowest kind of inn,
|
|
Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
|
|
-- G.K. Chesterton
|
|
%
|
|
You will forget that you ever knew me.
|
|
%
|
|
You will gain money by a fattening action.
|
|
%
|
|
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
|
|
%
|
|
You will gain money by an illegal action.
|
|
%
|
|
You will gain money by an immoral action.
|
|
%
|
|
You will get what you deserve.
|
|
%
|
|
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
|
|
%
|
|
You will have a head crash on your private pack.
|
|
%
|
|
You will have a long and boring life.
|
|
%
|
|
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
|
|
%
|
|
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
|
|
%
|
|
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
|
|
%
|
|
You will have long and healthy life.
|
|
%
|
|
You will have many recoverable tape errors.
|
|
%
|
|
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
|
|
%
|
|
You will inherit millions of dollars.
|
|
%
|
|
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
|
|
%
|
|
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
|
|
%
|
|
You will live to see your grandchildren.
|
|
%
|
|
You will lose an important disk file.
|
|
%
|
|
You will lose an important tape file.
|
|
%
|
|
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
|
|
%
|
|
You will never amount to much.
|
|
-- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
|
|
%
|
|
You will never know hunger.
|
|
%
|
|
You will not be elected to public office this year.
|
|
%
|
|
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
|
|
%
|
|
You will outgrow your usefulness.
|
|
%
|
|
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
|
|
%
|
|
You will pass away very quickly.
|
|
%
|
|
You will pay for your sins.
|
|
If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
|
|
%
|
|
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
|
|
%
|
|
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
|
|
%
|
|
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
|
|
%
|
|
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
|
|
%
|
|
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
|
|
%
|
|
You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty
|
|
family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley
|
|
had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
|
|
-- Sherlock Holmes
|
|
%
|
|
You will soon forget this.
|
|
%
|
|
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
|
|
%
|
|
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
|
|
%
|
|
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
|
|
but only because your brakes are defective.
|
|
%
|
|
You will triumph over your enemy.
|
|
%
|
|
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
|
|
%
|
|
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
|
|
%
|
|
You will wish you hadn't.
|
|
%
|
|
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
|
|
-- Frank Hubbard
|
|
%
|
|
You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
|
|
%
|
|
You worry too much about your job.
|
|
Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
|
|
%
|
|
"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
|
|
of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
|
|
Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
|
|
Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
|
|
give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
|
|
momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
|
|
yourself in this way."
|
|
-- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
|
|
%
|
|
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
|
|
%
|
|
You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
|
|
be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
|
|
-- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
|
|
%
|
|
You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
|
|
-- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
|
|
%
|
|
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
|
|
%
|
|
You'll always be,
|
|
What you always were,
|
|
Which has nothing to do with,
|
|
All to do, with her.
|
|
-- Company
|
|
%
|
|
You'll be called to a post requiring
|
|
ability in handling groups of people.
|
|
%
|
|
You'll be sorry...
|
|
%
|
|
You'll feel devilish tonight.
|
|
Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
|
|
%
|
|
You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
|
|
%
|
|
You'll never be the man your mother was!
|
|
%
|
|
You'll never see all the places, or read all the
|
|
books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
|
|
%
|
|
You'll wish that you had done some of the
|
|
hard things when they were easier to do.
|
|
%
|
|
Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
|
|
counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
|
|
experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
|
|
them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
|
|
of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
|
|
have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
|
|
actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
|
|
to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
|
|
principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
|
|
which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
|
|
not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
|
|
nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
|
|
repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
|
|
content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
|
|
compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
|
|
the defects of both.
|
|
-- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
|
|
%
|
|
Young men, hear an old man to whom
|
|
old men hearkened when he was young.
|
|
-- Augustus Caesar
|
|
%
|
|
Young men think old men are fools;
|
|
but old men know young men are fools.
|
|
-- George Chapman
|
|
%
|
|
Your aim is high and to the right.
|
|
%
|
|
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
|
|
%
|
|
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
|
|
Don't believe a thing he tells you.
|
|
%
|
|
Your best consolation is the hope that the things
|
|
you failed to get weren't really worth having.
|
|
%
|
|
Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
|
|
%
|
|
Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
|
|
%
|
|
Your business will assume vast proportions.
|
|
%
|
|
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
|
|
%
|
|
Your code should be more efficient!
|
|
%
|
|
Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
|
|
%
|
|
Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
|
|
%
|
|
Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
|
|
...Here's How You Can Tell
|
|
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
|
|
can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
|
|
listed 10 signs to watch for:
|
|
#3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
|
|
earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
|
|
jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
|
|
#6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
|
|
fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
|
|
#8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
|
|
discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
|
|
#10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
|
|
high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
|
|
a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
|
|
The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
|
|
all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
|
|
-- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
|
|
|
|
[I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
|
|
%
|
|
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
|
|
%
|
|
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
|
|
dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
|
|
attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
|
|
minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
|
|
Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
|
|
medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
|
|
25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
|
|
seconds if we felt like it.
|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
|
|
%
|
|
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
|
|
%
|
|
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
|
|
%
|
|
Your fault - core dumped
|
|
%
|
|
Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
|
|
EOF
|
|
%
|
|
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
|
|
%
|
|
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
|
|
by Miss Fortune
|
|
|
|
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
|
|
You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
|
|
type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
|
|
Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
|
|
California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
|
|
|
|
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
|
|
Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
|
|
fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
|
|
bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
|
|
other discover your good qualities without your help.
|
|
%
|
|
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
|
|
by Miss Fortune
|
|
|
|
ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
|
|
Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be
|
|
sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
|
|
and you will live all the days of your life.
|
|
|
|
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
|
|
You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
|
|
in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
|
|
brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
|
|
miss two car payments.
|
|
|
|
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
|
|
You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
|
|
common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
|
|
at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
|
|
Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
|
|
you meet in court.
|
|
%
|
|
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
|
|
by Miss Fortune
|
|
|
|
CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
|
|
You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
|
|
you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
|
|
in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
|
|
to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
|
|
|
|
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
|
|
You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
|
|
heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
|
|
in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
|
|
shop.
|
|
|
|
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
|
|
Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
|
|
affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
|
|
is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
|
|
career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
|
|
than people who work standing up.
|
|
%
|
|
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
|
|
meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
|
|
-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
|
|
%
|
|
Your goose is cooked.
|
|
(Your current chick is burned up too!)
|
|
%
|
|
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
|
|
%
|
|
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
|
|
%
|
|
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
|
|
%
|
|
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
|
|
%
|
|
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
|
|
%
|
|
Your love life will be... interesting.
|
|
%
|
|
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
|
|
%
|
|
Your lucky color has faded.
|
|
%
|
|
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
|
|
%
|
|
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
|
|
Watch for it everywhere.
|
|
%
|
|
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
|
|
original and the part that is original is not good.
|
|
-- Samuel Johnson
|
|
%
|
|
Your mind is the part of you that says,
|
|
"Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
|
|
... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
|
|
"Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
|
|
-- Steven and Ondrea Levine
|
|
%
|
|
Your mind understands what you have been
|
|
taught; your heart, what is true.
|
|
%
|
|
Your mode of life will be changed for
|
|
the better because of good news soon.
|
|
%
|
|
Your mode of life will be changed for
|
|
the better because of new developments.
|
|
%
|
|
Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
|
|
%
|
|
Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
|
|
%
|
|
Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
|
|
Face like ice, a little bit colder
|
|
She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
|
|
You learned in school"
|
|
But I don't really see
|
|
Why can't we go on as three?
|
|
-- David Crosby, "Triad"
|
|
%
|
|
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
|
|
may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
|
|
%
|
|
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
|
|
%
|
|
Your object is to save the world,
|
|
while still leading a pleasant life.
|
|
%
|
|
Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
|
|
true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
|
|
mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
|
|
Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
|
|
are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
|
|
change.
|
|
-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
|
|
%
|
|
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
|
|
%
|
|
Your password is pitifully obvious.
|
|
%
|
|
Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
|
|
%
|
|
Your present plans will be successful.
|
|
%
|
|
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
|
|
%
|
|
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
|
|
%
|
|
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
|
|
need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
|
|
picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
|
|
the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
|
|
success.
|
|
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
|
|
%
|
|
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
|
|
%
|
|
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
|
|
%
|
|
Your step will soil many countries.
|
|
%
|
|
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
|
|
%
|
|
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
|
|
%
|
|
Your temporary financial embarrassment will
|
|
be relieved in a surprising manner.
|
|
%
|
|
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
|
|
%
|
|
Your wig steers the gig.
|
|
-- Lord Buckley
|
|
%
|
|
Your wise men don't know how it feels
|
|
To be thick as a brick.
|
|
-- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
|
|
%
|
|
Your worship is your furnaces
|
|
which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
|
|
have molten bowels; your vision is
|
|
machines for making more machines.
|
|
-- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
|
|
%
|
|
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
|
|
%
|
|
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
|
|
-- Jim Samuels to a heckler
|
|
|
|
Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
|
|
-- Steve Martin to a heckler
|
|
|
|
When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
|
|
-- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
|
|
%
|
|
You're all clear now, kid.
|
|
Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
|
|
-- Han Solo
|
|
%
|
|
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
|
|
%
|
|
You're already carrying the sphere!
|
|
%
|
|
You're always thinking you're gonna be
|
|
the one that makes 'em act different.
|
|
-- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
|
|
%
|
|
You're at the end of the road again.
|
|
%
|
|
You're at Witt's End.
|
|
%
|
|
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
|
|
%
|
|
You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
|
|
%
|
|
You're definitely on their list.
|
|
The question to ask next is what list it is.
|
|
%
|
|
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
|
|
-- Eldridge Cleaver
|
|
%
|
|
You're growing out of some of your problems,
|
|
but there are others that you're growing into.
|
|
%
|
|
"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
|
|
except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
|
|
-- Swamp Thing
|
|
%
|
|
You're never too old to become younger.
|
|
-- Mae West
|
|
%
|
|
You're not Dave. Who are you?
|
|
%
|
|
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
|
|
-- Dean Martin
|
|
%
|
|
Your reasoning is excellent -- it's
|
|
only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
|
|
%
|
|
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
|
|
%
|
|
You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
|
|
%
|
|
You're working under a slight handicap.
|
|
You happen to be human.
|
|
%
|
|
Yours is not to reason why,
|
|
Just to Sail Away.
|
|
And when you find you have to throw
|
|
Your Legacy away;
|
|
Remember life as was it is,
|
|
And is as it were;
|
|
Chasing sounds across the galaxy
|
|
'Till silence is but a blur.
|
|
-- QYX.
|
|
%
|
|
Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
|
|
%
|
|
Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
|
|
courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
|
|
-- Robert F. Kennedy
|
|
%
|
|
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
|
|
%
|
|
Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
|
|
-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
|
|
%
|
|
Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
|
|
-- Dorothy Fuldheim
|
|
%
|
|
Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
%
|
|
Youth is the trustee of posterity.
|
|
%
|
|
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
|
|
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
|
|
%
|
|
You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
|
|
-- Eugene Ionesco
|
|
%
|
|
You've been Berkeley'ed!
|
|
%
|
|
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
|
|
%
|
|
You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
|
|
and now you're telling me just to be myself?
|
|
-- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
|
|
%
|
|
You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
|
|
%
|
|
"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
|
|
to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
|
|
-- Zippy the Pinhead
|
|
%
|
|
YO-YO:
|
|
Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
|
|
(see also Computer).
|
|
%
|
|
Zall's Laws:
|
|
1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
|
|
will be wrong.
|
|
2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
|
|
door you're on.
|
|
%
|
|
zeal, n:
|
|
Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
|
|
%
|
|
ZERO DEFECTS:
|
|
The result of shutting down a production line.
|
|
%
|
|
Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
|
|
-- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
|
|
%
|
|
Zeus gave Leda the bird.
|
|
%
|
|
Zisla's Law:
|
|
If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
|
|
%
|
|
Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
|
|
since I first called my brother's father dad.
|
|
-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
|
|
%
|
|
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
|
|
People are always available for work in the past tense.
|
|
%
|
|
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.
|
|
-- Henry Ford
|
|
%
|
|
The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
|
|
-- Henry Ford
|
|
%
|
|
Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason
|
|
so few engage in it.
|
|
-- Henry Ford
|
|
%
|
|
It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our
|
|
banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would
|
|
be a revolution before tomorrow morning.
|
|
-- Henry Ford
|
|
%
|
|
A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.
|
|
-- Henry Ford
|
|
%
|
|
We try to pay a man what he is worth and we are not inclined to
|
|
keep a man who is not worth more than the minimum wage.
|
|
-- Henry Ford
|
|
%
|
|
If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.
|
|
-- Henry Ford
|
|
%
|
|
A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he
|
|
can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my
|
|
emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.
|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
|
%
|
|
|